My wife has cancer.

The reality hit. How was I going to navigate this situation?

Cancer is the most frightening word in the English language in my personal opinion.

In 2016, I lost one of my best and closest friends to cancer. Bill Mclean sat opposite me for 16 years on the trading desk.

Debbie was diagnosed in January 2020.

I will never forget driving her to the first appointment with the surgeon. The nurse came in and told Debbie she had cancer.

I underestimated cancer. I underestimated chemotherapy and radiation. I underestimated the emotional, mental, psychological, physical, spiritual, and financial costs of cancer.

A cousin had warned me that the toll is tougher on the caregiver. I underestimated that and asked for help.

During cancer, the patient sees the surgeon, chemo oncologist, radiation oncologist, and various nurses. After radiation treatment then the interdisciplinary team of physiotherapists, kinesiologists, counselors, psychotherapists, and occupational therapists become part of the patient’s recovery.

Welcome to my series on cancer. I am doing this series not only to benefit women but also I personally believe it will be cathartic for me. I want to write about how to become a better caretaker, how to communicate with cancer patients, how to eat better, stories of hope, patience, resilience, and gratitude.

My first interview in this series was with Dr. Reyzan Shali MD, the author of Teaming up Against Cancer: Powerful Ways to Beat the Odds and Take Your Life Back. I talked to  Satmeen who is an occupational therapist with Lifemark Physiotherapy.

I talk to Adam Birr who lost his wife to cancer. In my sales and writing career, I have interviewed thousands. This interview is one of the most moving yet uplifting interviews I have done.

I have learned so much from Adam. Through grief, he has stayed strong. He has stayed positive and I love his saying ‘God is good’. Check out his blog, I am sure you will be inspired.

Adam, I have to be honest with you. A part of me does not want to do this interview because I feel guilty. A part of me was hurting. But I truly believe that I need to comfort the caretakers and make a difference in the lives of those going through cancer. Tell my audience a little about you?

I am 48 and from the south of England, but for the last 21 years, I have lived in Scotland.  I have four wonderful children aged 9 to 16.  Three boys and a girl.  I am Software Engineer and graduated from Imperial College, University of London, but I also have spent time working as a full-time church minister. It was during this time, while in the full-time ministry, in 2001 I married a beautiful Scottish woman.  We moved to Scotland and in 2016 at the age of 42 was diagnosed with breast cancer at stage 2a.  About a year later, it returned and was at stage 4.  After three and half years the illness took her life. I currently live in a town called Paisley, part of greater Glasgow, which is famous for producing the famous Paisley pattern material.  I am an active Christian and enjoy spending time in the Scottish countryside.

I periodically write articles in two blogs I have published.  One about various thoughts on my relationship with God and what I am learning. The other is about being the widower to a wife who died of cancer.

My wife is Scottish. I noticed a lump in December 2020. I told her to go and check it out. She was scared. Her own mother had died at 38 of Ovarian cancer. However, between ultrasound, MRI, and all the tests, the call came. The other side said ‘bring someone with you’. I knew then that she was positive. Walk me through your process?

In the first quarter of 2016, my wife didn’t know if she had something or not.  She put off getting checked out.  At one point she phoned the doctor’s surgery to make an appointment, but she called in the afternoon.  The doctor she spoke to was a little short in his speech and tone with her and asked her if it was a life or death situation, she said ‘no’ and put the phone down.  A few weeks later, she had pain in her breast, I told her that she needed to make an appointment for the next day.  She did and this time was seen by a GP who used to be a breast surgeon.  She felt something abnormal and referred her to the breast clinic at a local hospital.

I was a little scared.  Before the appointment, we walked around the hospital praying.  In the initial consultation, the doctor went through a bunch of questions covering symptoms and family history.  Almost all the answers to the questions were negative.  I started to feel more relaxed.  Maybe this was a cyst or something similar.  I waited as my wife had a mammogram, at this point, I wasn’t too concerned.  This was routine I told myself.  Lots of people have scares.  I started to enjoy reading my book.  The next appointment that day was the ultrasound.  I looked at her on the bed of the consultation room.  I loved her.  She was gorgeous.  She was really attractive.  The ultrasound doctor came in and said that the mammogram has shown something, but it wasn’t a cyst.  I recall that feeling of the blood draining from my face and down my body.  “What else could it be?” I just kept asking myself in my head.  The only answer I could come up with was cancer. Now I was really scared.  I started going into shock.  What was going to happen to my wife? I didn’t want her to change.  She was so lovely.  They took biopsies there and then.  I remember my wife finding that quite sore.  We then sat back in the clinic waiting room.  It was terrifying.  Previously the clinic waiting room was full of people.  Now, there were just us and another couple.  No one spoke.  I couldn’t read my book anymore.  I was just very scared.

We went into the same consultation room that we went into initially.  This time a breast cancer support nurse followed us in.  The results of the biopsy were back.  It was cancer.  I didn’t know what to do.  I just stared at my wife.  She took the news like she had been told that the bus was late.  “Oh really”, she said in a disappointed tone.  No tears.  I could have cried so easily.  But as her husband, I didn’t want Kirstie to feel like she had to emotionally support me.  I held back the tears, they were there, but they didn’t come out.

In the days afterward,  I remember receiving a message from a biblical teacher friend of mine.  He has lost his wife a few years earlier.  He just said, “God is good”.  Because it came from him, his words carried so much weight.  His words are also true.  God is good, all the time.  The bigger picture is good.  In the end, it didn’t go the way we prayed and hoped, but the bigger picture is still very good.

I will never forget the day of the surgery. I had just got a new job and a friend took her to the hospital. I came home to a foot of snow outside my home and my daughter had gone to a teen event. It was a cold dark lonely night. Can you relate?

My wife had surgery twice.  Once to remove a breast and once to for a total hip replacement as cancer had spread to her femur.  The first surgery I found was the most difficult.  I dropped her off at the hospital and then spent the morning with my four-year-old son.  We went to a giant indoor soft play arena.  I was crawling through tunnels and sliding down slides.  It took my mind off what was about to happen to my wife.  Just after lunch, I dropped him off at nursery.  I didn’t know what to do.  I drove to my work car park and sat in the car.  I found it very difficult to think of my wife going through surgery and having a body part removed.

A friend had sent me some scriptures, so I read them and I prayed.  Including this one: Isaiah 43:5-7

“Do not fear, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, And gather you from the west. “I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ And to the south, ‘Do not hold them back ‘ Bring My sons from afar And My daughters from the ends of the earth, Everyone who is called by My name, And whom I have created for My glory, Whom I have formed, even whom I have made.”

It was a difficult afternoon.  However, I wasn’t doing anything.  It was my wife who I really felt for.

I picked the children up and went home.  To be honest, I wasn’t the best husband at that time when it came to housework, but now it needed to change.  I had to repent.  I did repent and over the coming years, I would repent more.  I learned how to use the washing machine.  I made sure that the house remained tidy.  Getting all the children in bed each night felt like such a victory.

Eight weeks of chemo turned to 8 months and then COVID. I literally saw my wife go from a healthy person to a bald concentration camp survivor. It breaks you. Debbie asked why? I asked what now? Help me understand your mindset?

That must have been very hard for you.  My story is slightly different.

After her initial tumor was removed, it was sent away for a genetic test called the Oncotype dx test.  The results give a perceived 1% percent of the benefit of chemotherapy over not having it.  She really wanted to avoid chemotherapy.  As the perceived benefit was so small, she chose not to have the chemotherapy.  But within a year, cancer had returned.  Should she have had the chemo?  We don’t know.  It is possible to get really messed up contemplating the what-ifs because they don’t go anywhere.  It is best to leave it all in the hands of God and say the best choice was made at the time given the information that was available to my wife and the doctors.

She didn’t have traditional chemotherapy initially after she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  She was given a targeted drug called Palbociclib.  This was to slow the progression of cancer.  She got about nine months from this drug.  They then gave her a number of other drugs before they gave her chemotherapy.  During this time, she didn’t lose her hair.  Although she had lost a breast and had a large scar down her leg from the hip replacement, she still looked stunning.  To me, she defined beauty.  I knew this time wouldn’t last, so I treasured every day with her during this time.  We lived between scan appointments.  All life happened between these appointments every three months.  Very little could be planned outside of these windows.  Holidays abroad were taken at a week’s notice.

This was still a very emotional time.  I would often cry on the way to work, walking from the railway station to the office.  I would get the office door, pull myself together and start work without anyone knowing the emotions felt a few moments before.

Eventually, the time for chemo came.  It did work.  It did shrink the tumors for about six months.  But she did lose her hair and the steroids also had some unwelcome side effects too.  She now looked like a cancer patient.  This was a difficult time.  It now felt very real.  The steroids would give her huge amounts of energy for a day or two, but when it had worn off, she was pretty much floored through lack of energy due to the chemo.  In spite of this, we still had some great times in our marriage.  I feel this was a time when I lost a lot of who my wife was, yet we still had so much in our marriage to be grateful for.  She was a very stoic and determined woman.  I admired her so much.

I clung to gratitude, hope, and faith. I faltered and failed many times. For me, the tire had burst on the highway of Christianity. What was going through your mind?

When my wife was first diagnosed, I remember being really attached to the song Forever, by Chris Tomlin.  The lyrics include the lines:

Forever, God is faithful

Forever, God is strong

Forever, God is with us

Forever

From the rising to the setting sun

His love endures forever

And by the grace of God, we will carry on

His love endures forever

It was a reminder of the greatness of God.  The eternal nature of God and that there is an awesome bigger picture.  I could only get through by being focused on the bigger picture of heaven.

This attitude helped when my wife was diagnosed with secondary cancer a few months later.  The secondary diagnosis was probably the hardest day of my life.  The breast support nurse who was normally so upbeat was just down.  Previously she was always so positive in previous meetings.  This time, the news was dire, there was no positive spin.  The ultrasound doctor we had seen before had a look of terror on her face.  I and my wife were the most positive person around the clinic.  We certainly took our strength from God during that appointment.

I have learned a lot about care, how to communicate, and compassion. Share with me what you have learned through this process?

I learned to be a husband.  I learned what it means when Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).  I don’t think I was a bad husband before cancer and I certainly loved my wife dearly.  But on reflection, I was too selfish.  Too much focus on getting my own needs met and not enough thinking about the needs of my wife.  Cancer changed this.  I did a lot of self-reflection and tried to change and be the person I needed to be for my wife.  Each time I thought I had arrived, there would be another scan result and normal would be defined again causing me to re-evaluate things again and dig deeper in repenting of my selfishness and learning new ways to love my wife.

Congrats on being a dating man. Was it tough to put your hand back on to the dating scene?

Thank you! Dating and getting remarried was something that my wife and I would often speak about after she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  Generally, these conversations were initiated by my wife.  We both found these conversations hard, to begin with, but as time went on the more it became a natural progression.  My wife would at the end start to offer names to me of potential people I could date.

The thing I was most apprehensive about was the insecurities of falling in love again.  All the self-doubt and wondering if had said the wrong thing or had my words misconstrued.

I married my wife because I greatly admired her faith and the love she showed towards me.  I married my best friend.  My biggest fan and my heroine.

A few months after my wife passed, I decided I would start to build some new friendships with spiritually-minded single women, none of whom I knew while my wife was still alive.  Initially, this wasn’t about dating, I just wanted to get to know some people with whom I could become friends.  I became good friends with one woman in particular and we started to go on virtual dates over zoom and I eventually asked her if should come from the USA to visit me in Scotland.  A lot of the insecurities I was fearful of didn’t materialize.  I think mainly because we focused on being each other’s friends and had initially built our friendship together with God at the center through praying together and sharing the bible with each other.  We surrender our relationship before God and ask him to open doors that should be closed if our relationship is one that is approved of or close doors which should be open if our relationship is not God’s will.

Give advice to all those Christians who are dealing with cancer or have family and friends dealing with it?

Life is fragile, but the truth is that it is fragile for everyone, but most of the time we ignore this fact.  Celebrate life.  Wake up each morning and decided to be joyful.  Today is a great day (Lamentations 3:22-23).  God is good.  For the majority of her life with stage 4 cancer, my wife had the attitude of “I’m not dead yet”.  Yes, there was pain. Yes, life was limited and she couldn’t do all she did before.  But she still enjoyed life and took every day as a blessing.  Who was I to argue with this?  It was a great way to live.

My advice would be to always remember the bigger picture, even in challenging times.  God is good.  Look up and see God rather than the challenge.  Tell those around you how much you love them and tell them often – one day you might not be able to tell them, so tell them today and every day, and show them in all the ways you know-how.

I hope all this has been helpful.

The post My Wife Has Cancer appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Cancer is the most frightening word in the English language in my personal opinion.

In 2016, I lost one of my best and closest friends to cancer. Bill Mclean sat opposite me for 16 years on the trading desk. In 2018, one of my best friends from university passed away. I was looking forward to 2019.

Debbie showed symptoms of cancer in November 2019. She was diagnosed in January 2020.

I will never forget driving her to the first appointment with the surgeon. The nurse came in and told Debbie she had cancer.

I underestimated cancer. I underestimated chemotherapy and radiation. I underestimated the emotional, mental, psychological, physical, spiritual, and financial costs of cancer.

A cousin had warned me that the toll is tougher on the caregiver. I underestimated that and asked for help.

After a 16 month battle, Debbie is in remission.

Welcome to my series on cancer. I am doing this series not only to benefit women but also I personally believe it will be cathartic for me. I want to write about how to become a better caretaker, how to communicate with cancer patients, how to eat better, stories of hope, patience, resilience, and gratitude.

I want to start this series by interviewing Dr. Reyzan Shali MD, the author of Teaming up Against Cancer: Powerful Ways to Beat the Odds and Take Your Life Back.

Dr. Reyzan Shali is on a mission to help as many cancer patients and their loved ones as possible. As a primary care physician board-certified in internal medicine, she has made strong connections with thousands of patients over the years. She feels a particular affinity with her oncology patients, especially because of her unique background that put her on the path toward cancer care.

Dr. Shali’s journey began many years ago when she lost her father to cancer. That devastating event led to her lifelong goal of helping as many families and individuals as she can to improve their odds against this illness. Born in Iraq, Dr. Shali has maintained a steady refusal to live a life defined by a society that minimizes women, which has helped her challenge boundaries along the way.

That journey led her to a successful practice in Southern California, where many of her patients have become friends. In connecting with people by speaking from her heart, the idea of this book was born. Her mother was also struck by cancer, which has increased Dr. Shali’s determination to pursue her mission all the more.

Dr. Shali is a member of the American Medical Association (AMA) and the American College of Physicians (ACP). She writes articles for local newspapers and magazines and has been featured in The North County Times.

She lives in Carlsbad, California, with her husband, Rastgo, and their two sons, Kawan and Kurdo.

Dr. Shali, thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to be on Four Columns. I want to get to the point. In North America, do we have an unhealthy relationship with food? 

I like how the word “relationship” was used. Yes, I think that in North America, we do have an unhealthy relationship with food. Let me explain why.

First off, I think that many Americans, in general, don’t fully understand the magical relationship between the human body and plants. I remember when I first came to the U.S. from Iraq, I was surprised by all the food options that weren’t plant-based! I saw isles and isles of processed foods and fast food establishments on almost every corner. I think that culturally, there is less emphasis on plant-based foods and more of a focus on food that is fast, convenient, and easy to make. Plants have what are called phytochemicals which have phenomenal health benefits. Science suggests that we should have five servings of fruits and vegetables a day. However, only about one out of ten Americans consume the recommended amount daily.

The connection between human health and plants is very magical. It is the complex interaction between these phytochemicals, in their natural state, that shape the very protective properties plants have for human health. So taking a pill, as a dietary supplement, is simply not the same. 

I think we need a cultural shift where we change our relationship with food from what is fast to what is best for our bodies. There are many people, including myself, who are trying to help administer this type of cultural lifestyle, but it is not easy.

Talk to me about how we can start having a healthier approach to food starting at home?

One of the best things you can do is prioritize time to make food. Making your meals at home instead of relying on fast food will put you more in control of the type of food you eat. The reality is that we get tired and don’t have the time, so by default we revert to the easier option which means swinging by the closest fast food joint or using a food delivery service app. One simple tip to healthier eating is to make nutritious meals a priority. But, it does take a little planning because you need to have the right ingredients in your fridge. Good at-home cooking starts with what you put in your shopping cart. Oftentimes I will help people understand what to shop for as a first step in cooking healthy meals at home. In fact, I have made a shopping list that is available to download on my website. 

Another tip is to not watch TV during dinner. I have nothing against TV, but in my family, growing up in Iraq, dinner was always a time for the family to get together and learn about each others’ day. With eight brothers and sisters, we had a lot to talk about. Regardless of the size of your family, looking at dinner as a TV and device-free time will help make the process of eating less rushed, and more of an experience.

You run a successful practice, you’re an author, a mother, and a spokesperson for cancer. Walk me down your authentic approach in all of these roles? 

For me, life is about taking care of others. It’s why I became a doctor, why I love being a mother, and it’s why I wrote my book about fighting cancer. With my tendencies to help others, I realized that I often forget to take care of myself. Over time, if I neglect self-care, I find myself getting into a negative pattern of thinking. I am aware of this and I have a few tangible steps I take to limit my negativity, or at least prevent it from taking over my mind or my life. In order to juggle my multiple roles, and still make sure that I have time to take care of myself, I do the following:

• Celebrate smaller goals. I want to celebrate every time I manage to interrupt the cycle of self-sabotage, even if it only lasts a couple of seconds.
• Disengage from negative thoughts and replace them with happy thoughts.
• Choose kinder words to say to me that are first and foremost respectful.

Working on self-love is a key aspect when managing multiple roles and staying healthy. There is no one way to do it. But, I’m learning that in order to take care of my family, my patients, and support my community, I need to make sure I am taking care of myself too. 

In life, many people will question your goals and dreams. No matter who makes you feel unworthy, know that they can’t stop you from your greatness.

My wife fought a valiant battle with cancer for 16 months. I underestimated cancer, chemo, radiation, and the emotional, mental, psychological, physical, and financial toll that it takes. How much cancer is genetic, how much is our lifestyle?

Congratulations to both you and your wife for teaming up against her cancer. The processes for recovery and remission take physical, mental, and emotional tolls. When it comes to cancer, most people are surprised to learn that up to eighty percent of cancer can be prevented with a healthy diet and exercise! Part of my mission in life, and why I am so passionate about speaking on health, is to help people realize that they do have a lot of control over their general health.

The difficult thing about good health is that you can’t take a pill and instantly become healthy. Great health does not happen overnight. It is a lifestyle that comes with daily habits over years of time. That is why the sooner we take action to create healthy eating habits and incorporate regular exercise into our lives, the sooner we will see the benefits. It is not easy, but with practice and guidance, I truly believe we can all make the small changes that will make a big difference in our overall health and wellness. In addition, when we commit to healthy habits, it also helps to inspire those around us to be healthier too. An ancient Chinese proverb says that the best time to plant a tree was twenty-five years ago, and the second-best time is today. I genuinely believe that the same thing is true when it comes to planting the seeds of healthy habits. 

My cousin told me, “Jerry, it is tougher on the caregiver.” She was so right. I made sure that I took care of myself and I will be writing about that experience. Talk to me about self-care and how important it is? 

Taking care of yourself while taking care of others is often overlooked because we are so dedicated to taking care of loved ones who are sick. When it comes to self-care, I always turn to my favorite quote by Mark Twain, “The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up.” 

Caregivers often feel overextended, powerless, and even useless. When I see patients come in with their caregivers, sometimes the caregivers look more like they have spiraled into a catatonic state, with little to no expression on their face. 

What I learned was that cheering them up, acknowledging their hard work, and sharing a few kind words with them will create a dazzling smile on their face. Believe me. I’ve seen it multiple times and it works wonders!

What does women empowerment mean to you?

To me, empowering women is all about supporting women, and that takes on many forms. As a woman, I can say that I have had my fair share of self-doubt and lack of confidence. For me, women empowerment is about celebrating the women in our lives, encouraging women to achieve their personal and professional goals, and recognizing their successes along the way. It could be reminding them with gentle nudges to not stress so much and encouraging them to make time to see the importance of self-love. I love to talk with young women who want to become doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, and other professions in historically male-dominated fields, and listen to their stories. I encourage them to break through the glass ceilings they may bump their heads on. I encourage them to embrace and celebrate themselves. Too often, we forget to celebrate the small wins that are so important along the way. When we support women in our lives, we empower them to achieve their greatest potential.

Teaming up with Cancer is your book. What is it about? Why should we read it? Are we winning the battle with cancer?

My book is the conversation that I have with my patients and the conversation I want to have with every single person in the world. It’s about simple steps that we can all take to avoid cancer and it’s directed toward both patients and caregivers. Too often, it takes ourselves or a loved one getting cancer before we make small life changes that will help us live our healthiest lives. You should read this book so that you know what actions to take to reduce the chances of you or your loved ones getting cancer. I believe that understanding more about what causes cancer is the best way to fight it. At the moment, I don’t think we are winning the battle with cancer. We can do better. And knowledge is power.

Help me understand how faith, hope, and resilience have played a role in your life?

I owe so much to my parents, especially when it comes to learning what it means to be resilient. My parents came from very humble beginnings in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. Their hard work, dedication to myself and my siblings, and so much more is truly inspiring. They epitomize resilience. My strength, my values, and my resilience come from them. 

Now as a mother, my boys have become a source of inspiration for me. Watching them grow up makes me so proud. My parents gave me the tools to defy many odds and they always led by example. Therefore, I want to do the same for my boys. I want to instill in them a sense of self-worth and let them know that they can take on any challenge that life throws their way!

The post Fighting Cancer With Food appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.