Why is communication in marriage important?

In order for a marriage to be sustainable, there needs to be love, honesty, commitment, and many other things. However, to develop that bond, there needs to be efficient communication in marriage between the couple. The truth is that if there is no communication between you and your partner, it basically means a lack of interest in each other. It creates misunderstanding and ambiguity. However, if you are open with your spouse about what you are going through and are open to feedback, then the result is respect, honesty, and trust.

I am fascinated by marriage. I have written about it. I have also interviewed pastors, authors, and psychologists who specialize in marriage.

I recently got invited to a marriage class on communication presented by David Jung. David has provided leadership for various non-profit organizations for over 25 years. He has a degree in Philosophy, a diploma in Counselling, a Master of Arts in Christian Counselling, as well as certifications in Conflict Resolution and Mediation.

I have written down my 10 key takeaways from his presentation and also added from my own experience.

Become Aware of  How VUCA Impacts Communication in Marriage

David Jung starts by talking about VUCA. The post-Covid world is volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous.

Marriage is now part of the VUCA framework. From my own experience, I have seen more close friends get divorced and some have remarried. There is so much uncertainty as marriages now involve prenuptial agreements with accountants, lawyers, and wedding planners getting involved. The very definition of marriage is under attack, creating ambiguity and complexity.

Know the Major Causes of Conflict in Marriage

The major issues in marriage that create conflict, hurt, and lack of forgiveness are family relationship dynamics, money, sex & intimacy, mismatched and unrealistic expectations, inadequate attention, jealousy and infidelity,  chores and responsibilities, control, not being appreciated, talking with an ex or about an ex, being possessive, who puts more into the relationship, clothes, goals, religion, and discipline.

Psychologists and academics agree that communication is the key element of a fulfilling marriage. However, why is so elusive? Why do couples struggle with communicating about so many issues?

Differentiate Between Facts, Fiction, and Opinion

The truth is small issues become big and can lead to friction, arguments, and then a lack of passion and affection in the marriage. So the anatomy of your conversation is based on your facts and how you view the world and then that forms your beliefs and values. We think our facts are more accurate, more important, and better than someone else’s because we are seeing them from our lens. Have you ever thought that your ‘facts’ could just be an opinion? Take five dots and put them on diagram 1 and then take five dots and put them on diagram 2. You could make a star out of one and a triangle with the other just by connecting them. So we need to know the whole picture.

Pay Attention to Different Points of View: Listen, Engage and Solve the Problem

In communication, it is important to look at points of view. What has four letters. Sometimes has nine. Never has five. What do you think?

If you look at what has four letters is a statement and not a question. The word ‘what’ has four letters ‘sometimes’ nine and ‘never’ has five letters. So it is important to look at the context. Saying to your partner ‘you never listen to me, I do not feel loved’. Now we have different points of view which do not align and these are the common three responses that take place between the couple:

We Fight -> We Argue, We Debate -> How about if were just to listen to our partner. How about asking ‘What did you mean by that?’

Flight (we take off from the room, shut ourselves, yell) -> Retreat, Close off -> How about engaging with the partner

Freeze -> Go Blank, Feel Numb -> How about listening, engaging, and solving the problem.

As a couple, look into what is your typical response. How about if one partner says to another let us spend some time. They go to Costco and spend three hours shopping and then they go home and the second partner play games on the video. This sets off the other partner as she wanted to spend some time on a date and not go shopping at Costco.

Focus on the Problem and Not Your Partner

Focus on emotional intelligence and become aware of your own emotions, and how to manage and use the information to guide your conversations. The lack of emotional intelligence will negate any strategies and tools you use. If your partner always comes late to events, lateness is the problem and not your partner.

Create Emotionally, and Physical Safety and Move From Assumption to Curiosity

Challenge your own assumptions…Be curious about why you want to spend time with me? Do not assume what they mean? Move from assumption to curiosity. Say something like:

‘I am curious…can you help me understand?’

‘I have noticed…can you help me understand?’

‘I would like to talk about…with you, but first I want to understand your point of view.’

‘I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about…I really want to hear your thoughts about this and share my perspective as well.’

Become Aware Of Positions and Interests

If a couple wants to go out for dinner. One wants to go for Italian and the other wants to go for Chinese. Now both are on top of the mountain with their positions. How about finding common interest or common ground. Both want to eat, both want to spend time together and both want to spend money. How about doing a take-out from the two different restaurants and then going to a park and having the meal together. By finding a common ground you are solving the position.

Look at the common interest of fairness, respect, safety, efficiency, growth, justice, happiness, autonomy, honesty, and loyalty. Ask why your partner wants to go for Chinese or Italian. What is so important about the restaurant?

Sharpen Your Listening Skills

For efficient communication in marriage, listening is the key. Focus on your partner and listen to what they are saying. If not, your partner will get frustrated and you will misunderstand the message. Listening is just not hearing the message but you need to put mental focus and physical effort into it. Look at the body language and tone of your partner. Get a total comprehension of your partner’s point of view. Encourage your partner to communicate in an open way.

Care About Your Partner

The goal of communication in marriage is to make the relationship stronger and the bond tighter. Focus on why your partner feels a certain way. Be sensitive to the feeling of your partner.

Even in Boxing, Hitting Below the Belt is Not Allowed

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are powerful weapons that can inspire or destroy someone. You have a choice to either encourage or break your spouse. Communication in marriage is a discipline of love. Your tongue is a spiritual thermometer. You need to step out of your own frame of reference and it is an ego-emptying activity. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman help us to be careful with our words ‘I am to sow words like seeds to bring a harvest of fruit…We must choose our words as if we were choosing an instrument of life or death.’ Please use your words to build up your partner.

Even after 24 years of marriage, I have to grow in every area mentioned above. Here is what I recommend for you. GET HELP if you are feeling that there is a lack of communication in your marriage. Go get marriage counseling. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member. An objective view from a counselor or a different perspective is what you need.

The post 10 Keys to Successful Communication in Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I’m thrilled to welcome Chris Vacher to today’s conversation. With over 20 years of experience serving in leadership roles—including Executive Pastor and church consultant—Chris brings a unique blend of strategic insight and coaching expertise to the table.

He’s the founder of Chris Vacher Leadership Solutions, through which he empowers mission-driven teams to move from confusion to clarity and confidence using his proven “Team360” methodology—holistic leadership coaching, performance assessment, and transformative team workshops

Chris tell my global audience a little about you.

I know your blog audience is global so it’s probably important to say I’m Canadian! Sonya and I have been married 15 years, we have 4 kids and live just east of Toronto. Since 2005 I’ve worked full-time in churches involved in everything on the creative side and also leadership. I’m currently pursuing my Master’s in Leadership and I’m a huge fan of coffee! 

Explain what is a worship pastor and what is your role in that.

So, anyone who is a pastor is responsible for shepherding people as part of a local church congregation. Worship pastors do that mostly through what happens in the worship services – the music, prayers, communion, readings, and the design of the service itself. I became a Christian in high school and because I was very musical, I got involved in leading worship right away, not knowing it would be a huge focus of my life for the next 20 years. 

How important is music in the service?

How important is food to a meal? Music is this amazing shared human experience that crosses cultures, generations, geography and every other thing that divides us. Every person is not necessarily musical but every person is impacted by music. And since the beginning of time music has been part of religious services. The Bible also reminds us that music is part of the eternal worship service happening in heaven!

The musical part of our worship service helps us focus on God, helps build our faith, helps encourage people around us, and reminds us that we’re part of a larger community than my own isolated experience. 

We have so many songs to choose from, why add new songs and songwriters?

Great question! Every song was once a new song that was written out of that time’s unique celebrations and challenges. So why not today? God is always at work in new and fresh ways so let’s write songs that help to tell that story. (By the way, God also works in faithful and consistent ways which is why we continue to sing songs from previous generations.

Another big reason is that we can’t help it! People are created in the image of a God who creates.. we carry with us this creative spirit as part of our identity. God created out of nothing but we get to take words, notes, rhythm, and patterns and create songs that have never existed before. The songwriters that I work with at Sanctus are some of the most creative people I’ve ever met who have decided to dedicate this creative work we’re doing to God.

Tell me about your own music, creativity, mindset, and your experience in creative leadership.

Both of my parents were music teachers so music has always been a significant part of my life. Piano lessons, a huge record collection, trips to the symphony with my mom and so many more examples I could tell you. When I was 12 or 13, we started to realize that there was some musical ability that could really become the focus of my life if I was passionate about it and dedicated to the craft. Music has opened so many doors in my life from friendships to education to travel and so much more.

Creativity for me is expressed in many ways. I think solving an organizational challenge requires just as much creativity as writing a song. Creativity is more a recognition of who I am (and who you are!) and less about a specific skill set or special superpowers. I believe that everyone is creative. There really is no such thing as “creative.” Look at 3-year-olds. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old who is not creative? Of course not. Over time that side of who we are transforms and we lose some of that understanding.

By the way, this doesn’t mean that every person is an artist. Creativity and artistry are not the same things. An artist is someone who has given decades of their life to mastering a particular craft that requires an incredible amount of creative skill. Everyone is creative but not everyone is an artist.

Leadership has been an interesting journey for me, mostly because for a long time I thought that artists couldn’t be leaders. Not true, of course. Over the last 10 years, I’ve learned how to take my creative experience and my leadership ability and combine those. Of course, I’m still growing with that but I think I’ve got an interesting and unique history that allows me to speak to different groups of people in different ways. Leading more creative-minded people and helping more leadership-minded people think creatively bring me so much joy!

Give me three practical pieces of advice on how to be a great husband, an amazing father, and manage finances.

Great husband – Go away with your wife without kids twice a year. It doesn’t need to be fancy, and it never has been for us! Put those dates on the calendar and commit to being together, just the two of you, for even 48 hours. It makes a huge difference.

Amazing father – My kids are 13, 11, 10, and 8 so I have zero advice to give to parents of teenagers! For those of you with younger kids, as often as possible, eat meals together at the table.

Managing finances – Other than marry an accountant?? (Love you, Sonya!) When we got married, we decided that any purchase over $50 needed permission from the other one. We’ve stuck to that rule for 15 years and it’s served us pretty well so far. 

I know you are a foodie, it is your French genes. Tell me a little bit more about this passion.

My dad was born in France and I’ve been able to visit family there several times. I’m so grateful for that! I love cooking for people but the truth is that I love the time around the table more than I love the time in the kitchen. The magic of what happens when people are sitting together with good food, good wine, and good stories is so special. I love finding great restaurants but we also love having people we love around our table enjoying a great meal together.

I’m also a huge fan of discovering restaurants that are focused on serving great food to customers they care about. I’m not huge on chain restaurants so I’ll often hunt for a great place to go with friends to enjoy a really special meal together. 

Name three restaurants to have a romantic date in Durham.

My top 3:

KB in Whitby

Marwan’s Global Bistro in Port Perry

Chuuk in Pickering 

How important are wine, French fries, and vegetables with a steak? 

I mean you can’t have steak frites without the frites! Throw some roasted Brussels sprouts or spring peas or a cucumber and tomato salad beside that steak.. heaven! Who would possibly enjoy a great steak without some great veggies on the side?

Chris, you run a farm, are a father to four kids, husband, songwriter, producer, and executive pastor. I am tired of just writing it. Give me practical advice on how do you balance this. 

It would be an insult to farmers to say that we have a farm! But, yes, we have chickens and we’re looking to have bees again this year. We love having a bit of space out of town where we can enjoy a great time together as a family.

How do you balance? I’m not sure I’ve always done that well and I’m not sure the way people think of balance is actually possible. Focus is maybe a better word. I’m pretty focused on how I want to spend my time, how I want my family to grow, what I want to learn, and what kind of home we want to have. And I’m passionate about all of those things, too! So, when I make mistakes, I hope that people recognize it’s out of passion and focus rather than not caring.

But.. practical advice. I really believe God was on to something when He asked people to rest. I believe people can be more productive in six days than they can in seven, in the long term. Since 2012 I have practiced the weekly rhythm of the sabbath where I take a full 24 hours (usually Friday evening to Saturday evening) and step away from what would work. On that day I get to do the things I don’t normally get to do in the other six days. I get to enjoy time with the people I love. I get to wander around the yard with my kids. I get to nap! And I get to enjoy the reminder that God is with me and the work that He is doing in my life and in the world is much more significant than any work I could ever do on my own.

Work from rest, don’t rest from work.

Tell me a good pastor joke. 

I don’t think its real but it always gets a good laugh!

The post Creative Leadership appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.