Divorce mediation involves a good-faith negotiation between two parties and an experienced mediator who assists them in reaching an agreement during a fair process. If two spouses cannot agree on issues concerning their divorce or separation, a mediator can help them resolve these matters out of court. I recommend divorce mediation as it is private, better preserves people’s autonomy, and costs a tenth of an average court process.

The mediator is a neutral third party who can be the catalyst to resolving conflict by managing conversations on how clients will share parenting time, around support payments, and property division. The mediator does not take sides, give legal advice, or make decisions for their clients.

Divorce mediation is a powerful and transformative approach to conflict resolution. Empowerment is cognitive and helps the two individuals see alternatives and choices. Empowerment is awareness. Empowerment is all about keeping a distance from the negative actions, beliefs, and embracing positive choices towards fulfilled living.

Empowerment is also accepting the changes in our relationships, emotions, and not being scared of fear or judgment.

Richard Brydson is a Family Mediator and the Owner at Aligned Choices Mediation in Ontario, Canada. In his work as a Family Mediator, he assists couples to formalize the end of their relationship without the need for financially and emotionally costly court proceedings. I talk to Richard about mediation and the advantages of using a mediator in the conversation below.

RICHARD WELCOME TO FOUR COLUMNS.  TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR JOURNEY TO BECOMING A MEDIATOR? WHY YOU CHOSE IT?

My journey to becoming a family mediator was a natural outgrowth from my previous line of work in the healthcare industry. I was a privately employed caregiver in two different long-term care facilities. My primary role as a companion to my senior clients, however, there were many opportunities to advocate for them with staff because they were often unable to speak for themselves due to dementia factors, as well as, cognitive delays or speech difficulties.

During one two-week period, I took four opportunities to seek changes for my clients that would elevate their experience and quality of life. After the wide range of experiences my advocacy produced, I knew I needed to balance how I supported the rights of the vulnerable people I cared for while preserving the collegial and friendly relationships I had within the facilities. 

Learning about conflict resolution helped me to begin softening the activist spirit in me, and especially how to ‘separate the person from the problem’. Showing up with kindness in situations of adversity is no longer difficult for me, and I model the temperament and responsiveness as a mediator that enlivens the participatory spirit in others.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE QUALITIES THAT YOU BRING TO THE TABLE THAT MOTIVATE PEOPLE TO CHOOSE YOU?

I have received feedback from clients that I show genuine empathy while validating their experience. I often recognize the deep desires, sorrows, or sense of injustice during the first conversation, and use a reflective storytelling technique to imprint on them that they are being heard. 

All the cases that I have done since starting my practice involve creating a safe container for my clients to experience their emotions as needed. I have not had any high conflict clients thus far in my practice, but am confident that my ability to maintain a safe environment will include capturing and redirecting strong emotions that could destabilize the process.

I always do my best to impart the strength and skills my clients need to maintain their agreements after the mediation is completed. I see it as a sign of their stability and my success when they do not need me after we have finished the process. 

I HAVE SPENT A MAJOR PART OF MY CAREER IN FINANCIAL SERVICES AND HAVE SEEN COUNTLESS DIVORCES. I ALWAYS TOLD THE COUPLE TO GO TO MEDIATION. WALK ME THROUGH THE ADVANTAGES OF CHOOSING A MEDIATOR?

To keep it simple I have a brief list of the advantages. They are:

Transparency – You will be present while all the issues are negotiated. If you were to hire lawyers to negotiate for you they would do it without you there.

Privacy – All of my mediations are “closed” processes. This means they are strictly confidential except when the safety of a child is in question. If you choose to fight it out in court, the proceedings become part of the public record.

Better for children – Mediation seeks to reduce conflict and support the shared long-term goals of both parents and their children. A litigation-focused lawyer may not mind that you are understandably unable to stop yourself from bringing the emotions of the ongoing court battle home to your kids. 

Less expensive than negotiation and litigation – Fees for mediation are mostly shared between the clients, and run on average at $1,250 per person for a couple who agree on most issues. In contrast, the hours would be similar for a lawyer to negotiate but there are no shared fees. Litigation can easily be 10 times the average cost of mediation or more.

Control over the final plan – Even though the plan needs to be what you and your former spouse agree to, you have more control than in a court as there are more options available to mediators for resolving matters. Judges will have to follow the law precisely and you may be left with an agreement that you are very unhappy with.

AS A MEDIATOR DO YOU WORK WITH LAWYERS?

Yes, I do work closely with family lawyers, most often at the end of a mediation process. As part of any mediation, the discussions I have with clients are structured to allow them to make a safe and sustainable co-parenting plan for their children’s future. Before signing a binding Separation Agreement both clients need to receive independent legal advice because as a mediator I don’t offer clients advice during mediation. 

This is in order to maintain my neutrality for one, but it also allows me to focus my energy where it would be most helpful. My work with clients is often complete after I release a memorandum detailing our discussions, they will each consult with a lawyer and I can be involved with their council in order to finalize the document.

IN MEDIATION IS THERE A GIVE AND TAKE?

By this question I think you are asking if there is a need for people to be generous, let go and compromise. The simple answer is yes. My experience so far in my practice is that when clients are able to have what they really care about validated by their former spouse they are usually more willing to find a middle ground on issues where an impasse has divided them. 

I am always on the lookout for opportunities to expand the conversation and broaden my clients’ awareness so that they can acknowledge the reality of their spouse’s needs or values without having to agree with their truth.

DIVORCE CAN BE A NEGATIVE BUT IT CAN ALSO BE A POSITIVE. HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE POSITIVES?

To answer this question I will draw on the stories from my clients and friends who have been through divorce and align it with the positives that can come out of our most painful life experiences. Whether you are into, or new to, the life expansion possibilities of self-inquiry and meditative practices I think there will be takeaways in the following paragraphs.

Living a healthy life as an individual is not possible without other people, nor can you participate positively and sustainably without caring for yourself. This is obvious enough but the angle I want to talk about involves learning to draw flexible boundaries in your intimate relationships to both prevent and reduce the intensity of the conflict.  

Balancing the needs for autonomy and connection is no easy task, and there are many to choose from but these two perspective shifts come to mind as the most important to creating a positive legacy for your future relationships after divorce.

The first has to do with exploring where your care and concern for your spouse started to break down during a conflict. If you found yourself asking for something over and over again during your marriage I would invite the keen observer to be honest with themselves and ask if they were practicing what they were asking for. If this is an automatic, “yes, of course”, slow down your thinking and find out what makes you so certain. 

If you found the way you spoke or acted didn’t match your expectations of your former spouse I would invite you to explore the many meanings underneath. This way the next time one of your boundaries is crossed you have the opportunity to emphasize your needs while communicating with care and understanding.

The second involves verbalizing how someone could reliably show care in a way that matters to you. This point is crucial because it could be that you have never consciously thought about how a universal need like empathy or respect can be demonstrated by your partner. Further questions could be, Is there only one way to show care? Can another’s way of expressing closeness be admitted into our understanding? The truth is we can be us, and they can be them. Perhaps as a result of knowing this about yourself, you will be able to let your partner give in their natural way, and that if they receive recognition for their way of caring, they will then freely act and reciprocate in the ways you value deep down.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS A COUPLE NEEDS TO FOCUS ON DURING THE DIVORCE SO THAT ALL PARTIES THRIVE?

Trying to move through the mediation and then on with their life with the emphasis firmly on action. 

There are few experiences in life as hard as coming to the point of accepting and asking for help with separation. What often comes next is the very understandable desire is for it to be done and over with a quickly as possible

My goal with clients from the very first conversation is to blend and balance their needs to have a speedy resolution with a sustainable plan that will not have them overstretched or unprepared to handle the adjustments to their lives brought on by the co-parenting agreement. Helping clients push through the tough topics and learn ways to manage stress as co-parents are indispensable tools to allow people to thrive.

There is no more beneficial focus that helps people thrive after a divorce than finding out and incorporating the voice of their child or children in the process. When parents are unsure about or just disagree about what these best interests are I may suggest they each ask for their views. Two primary conditions need to be met for this to help the parents: One is that the child is at least 8 years old about their views, remember that “kids get a voice, but not a choice”. Two is that the parents need to agree on how much weight to give their child’s voice in the decision making.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT WOMEN CAN DO AFTER A DIVORCE TO THRIVE?

Balanced self-care: Thriving after divorce involves good self-care. The approach I say works best while getting started is a routine focused on both mind and body health.  

Take care of your body as much as possible. From balancing your diet to activities like yoga or Qi-gong, there are few practices like these that will not serve your wellness moving forward. I would make time for these activities every week, but be kind to yourself if you get busier at work or with family responsibilities and your routine is temporarily affected. 

A retreat or at least a trip: As it will likely be some time before long-distance travel becomes a safe and available option for most of us, in-home virtual retreats and long weekend getaways closer to home are alternatives to consider. If retreats are not your thing, I would encourage you to at least not plan out every minute of your getaway in advance. 

Giving can be no different from receiving: For those who are starting out without a strong support network a change that really helped me in the past was to volunteer my time to make others important for even a few hours a week. The shift in my perspective on the topic of giving came to me while caring for seniors in my previous career. Many of my clients had dementia and communication difficulties and I found that when I was fully there for them my devoted attention became something I recognized as a gift in itself.

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I have known Renee for a quarter-century. In 2017, while on a business trip to LA, Renee drove more than 2 hrs to have dinner with me. As we had a meal at Newport Beach, we just talked about everything we had been through in life. I caught up with her recently and she gets honest, real, and vulnerable.

Renee, good to catch up again. Please tell my audience something important about you?

Something ‘important’ about me? I guess it’s that even though I’ve experienced a lot of hardships: divorce after 25 years, having a daughter with some emotional needs, losing over a dozen friends to cancer in 25 years, being disappointed, and feeling betrayed by people you thought were friends, not finding love again (so far;) finances being very tight,  I still have a positive outlook on life and I’m still able to be joyful amidst less than great circumstances.

I have a 15-year-old daughter. You have raised four beauties. How has that experience been? What have been the challenges and what have you learned from motherhood?

In terms of raising four daughters: I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy! In fact, I joke that they’ve given me every grey hair on my head. They’re all wonderful women now, but I’m not going to lie, the teen years were hard. There was a lot of rebellion, especially around the time of our separation and divorce. We had times when they’d stay out all night and we wouldn’t know where they were! I’d be driving around at all hours of the night, while my ex slept unaware! But God is faithful, the two eldest have become disciples and I know the younger two are on their path.

I think the biggest lesson I learned is that, even though I tried hard to control everything, God is in control. I spent so much time worrying when I could have just prayed more and relied on God. So, my lesson would be: develop your faith, develop your prayer life, rely on God because he loves them more than you do anyway.

Motherhood is the hardest job you’ll ever have, but it’s also the most rewarding job.

Marriage has its challenges. What did you learn from your own and the aftermath of that process?

Marriage does have its challenges and in spite of my divorce, I love being married and desire it still. What I learned from the aftermath is that I think most women go into marriage thinking they can change their husband (and most husbands go in thinking their wives will never change:). But you can’t change anyone but yourself. It takes two people to have a marriage. I thought I could love enough for both of us, but it doesn’t work that way. I also realized I knew who my ex was when I married him and thought/hoped I could change him. I also feel it was a co-dependent relationship and I allowed the dysfunction to continue too long. If I ever remarry, I will make sure it’s a healthy relationship and know that we are independent individuals who are responsible for ourselves.

I know you were a model. How was that experience?

Ha! Well, I never thought I was model material, but my girlfriend convinced me to enter the Miss Michigan pageant with her and of course, I was terribly insecure. At that time (the late 70’s) it seemed all they wanted were blondes and I was very ethnic looking. But entering helped me in some ways and then I went on to do the auto shows and after I was married, I even did some print work. I found most of the models to be kind of shallow women obsessed with their looks and I always connected on a deeper, more intellectual level, so I didn’t feel comfortable in that environment anymore. I felt I wanted to try my hand at acting (because I was so dramatic:) but again, fell upon discrimination for my ethnicity. It was very different then than it is now. Now, they celebrate all ethnicities and even mixed races. But I feel God might have saved me from a worse fate, by not giving me success in that endeavor.

Give yourself some advice at 16, 26, 36 and 46?

The advice I’d give myself @16: “Don’t marry that guy”!

@26: “Enjoy this time and cherish the memories”.

@36: and a mom of three: “Don’t sweat the small stuff! The little things will take care of themselves”.

@46: this was when we separated after 23 years of marriage (it took two years to divorce), “You will survive! Just breath and believe”!

What does women empowerment mean to you?

Women empowerment to me means that a woman is able to do anything and everything she sets her heart and mind to. God created “both male and female in His image” and that we are equal in the eyes of the Lord. I believe, especially as a mother to four daughters, and as a divorced woman, that we need to empower ourselves to be independent and not have to depend on anyone for our survival.

How has faith helped you in life?

My faith has been the single one thing that has held me together in the last 25 years! Without it, I don’t think I’d be here! You hear about people committing suicide or overdosing or any other number of harmful methods trying to deal with pain, but God was the one that brought me through the storm. I know where the term “heartbreak” comes from because, at one point, it actually felt like my heart would break in two. It was a physical manifestation of the emotional pain I was feeling.

Your faith commands you to forgive. Has that been a difficult process for you?

Faith does command me to forgive but that’s challenging at times. I had a hard time forgiving my ex in the beginning because he had done this many times before and I felt if I forgave him again, I’d have to take him back and my heart just physically could not deal with that. Then I learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation! That freed me so much because I was able to forgive him, knowing that God would deal with him and I could remove myself from a harmful situation.

How do food, faith, finance, and family play a role in your life?

As mentioned, without faith, you have nothing. And of course, my family means everything to me aside from God. I’m a foodie and therefore maybe spend more on it than I should in which case, maybe I should put finances before food ;).

The post Renee: Positive Outlook on Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Few events in life can be as profound and challenging as a divorce. It is one of the most painful and emotional experiences. You get angry, lonely, anxious, bitter, and desperate. Your identity is at stake and it can shake the very foundation of your life.

You have to deal with a number of issues: financial, emotional, professional, parenting, health, and spiritual. This article will deal with only the financial aspect of a divorce.

Legally this is a life-changing event. It is in your best interest to separate emotional attachment from strategic decisions.

Mediation, arbitration, litigation, and the collaborative process are some of the legal choices available. You need to educate yourself and see which is the most beneficial to you.

Mediation is a safe process provided by a neutral third party to help resolve issues that arrive during the divorce. It saves you money compared to going to court. You participate in the resolution.

Arbitration is a procedure in which a dispute is resolved by the agreement of parties to a binding decision by one or more arbitrators.

Collaborative Divorce is a family law process. It helps couples work with their lawyers in order to avoid uncertain outcomes in court. It best meets the specific needs of both parties and their children without the underlying threat of contested litigation.

Litigation is a process where your lawyer represents you in court. A judge makes the final decision. This can become a long, expensive, and cumbersome process. You should choose a lawyer that specializes in family law, and make sure you have a written fee agreement.

Have realistic expectations. A divorce will affect your lifestyle. Prepare a budget for yourself. Write down all your income minus your expenses. Differentiate between wants and needs. Try to stay away from debt.

Check your credit report. If all your credit cards were in both names, cancel the cards and order new ones in your sole name. Inform the credit agencies about your divorce.

Inform your bank and close the joint accounts. Open an individual account.

A house will be a major asset that belongs to both of you. Calculate the total carrying and operating costs to see if you can afford it on one salary. If not then you need to consider selling the house.

Check for beneficiaries on TFSA, RRSP, RRIF, LIF, and Life Insurance policies. Life insurance policies have an option of revocable or irrevocable beneficiaries. Remember to have your will updated.

Have the pension appraised. Some plans are easier to value and contribute. Others have a vesting schedule, defined benefits, and defined contributions.

Would you rather have a forty thousand-dollar BMW or a forty thousand-dollar GIC when dividing assets?   If you look at it from a depreciation point of view then the GIC is a better asset.

In the eyes of the Canada Revenue Agency, not all assets are equal. So, consider all the tax issues. A spousal RRSP cashed within the first three years will become income for the contributor rather than the recipient.

Make sure you have adequate health coverage. A visit to the dentist without coverage is expensive.

A divorce can put your best-laid plans to ruin. Focus on the future and make some good financial decisions.

Photo Credits: Eric Ward Bill Oxford Melinda Gimpel

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