Why is communication in marriage important?

In order for a marriage to be sustainable, there needs to be love, honesty, commitment, and many other things. However, to develop that bond, there needs to be efficient communication in marriage between the couple. The truth is that if there is no communication between you and your partner, it basically means a lack of interest in each other. It creates misunderstanding and ambiguity. However, if you are open with your spouse about what you are going through and are open to feedback, then the result is respect, honesty, and trust.

I am fascinated by marriage. I have written about it. I have also interviewed pastors, authors, and psychologists who specialize in marriage.

I recently got invited to a marriage class on communication presented by David Jung. David has provided leadership for various non-profit organizations for over 25 years. He has a degree in Philosophy, a diploma in Counselling, a Master of Arts in Christian Counselling, as well as certifications in Conflict Resolution and Mediation.

I have written down my 10 key takeaways from his presentation and also added from my own experience.

Become Aware of  How VUCA Impacts Communication in Marriage

David Jung starts by talking about VUCA. The post-Covid world is volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous.

Marriage is now part of the VUCA framework. From my own experience, I have seen more close friends get divorced and some have remarried. There is so much uncertainty as marriages now involve prenuptial agreements with accountants, lawyers, and wedding planners getting involved. The very definition of marriage is under attack, creating ambiguity and complexity.

Know the Major Causes of Conflict in Marriage

The major issues in marriage that create conflict, hurt, and lack of forgiveness are family relationship dynamics, money, sex & intimacy, mismatched and unrealistic expectations, inadequate attention, jealousy and infidelity,  chores and responsibilities, control, not being appreciated, talking with an ex or about an ex, being possessive, who puts more into the relationship, clothes, goals, religion, and discipline.

Psychologists and academics agree that communication is the key element of a fulfilling marriage. However, why is so elusive? Why do couples struggle with communicating about so many issues?

Differentiate Between Facts, Fiction, and Opinion

The truth is small issues become big and can lead to friction, arguments, and then a lack of passion and affection in the marriage. So the anatomy of your conversation is based on your facts and how you view the world and then that forms your beliefs and values. We think our facts are more accurate, more important, and better than someone else’s because we are seeing them from our lens. Have you ever thought that your ‘facts’ could just be an opinion? Take five dots and put them on diagram 1 and then take five dots and put them on diagram 2. You could make a star out of one and a triangle with the other just by connecting them. So we need to know the whole picture.

Pay Attention to Different Points of View: Listen, Engage and Solve the Problem

In communication, it is important to look at points of view. What has four letters. Sometimes has nine. Never has five. What do you think?

If you look at what has four letters is a statement and not a question. The word ‘what’ has four letters ‘sometimes’ nine and ‘never’ has five letters. So it is important to look at the context. Saying to your partner ‘you never listen to me, I do not feel loved’. Now we have different points of view which do not align and these are the common three responses that take place between the couple:

We Fight -> We Argue, We Debate -> How about if were just to listen to our partner. How about asking ‘What did you mean by that?’

Flight (we take off from the room, shut ourselves, yell) -> Retreat, Close off -> How about engaging with the partner

Freeze -> Go Blank, Feel Numb -> How about listening, engaging, and solving the problem.

As a couple, look into what is your typical response. How about if one partner says to another let us spend some time. They go to Costco and spend three hours shopping and then they go home and the second partner play games on the video. This sets off the other partner as she wanted to spend some time on a date and not go shopping at Costco.

Focus on the Problem and Not Your Partner

Focus on emotional intelligence and become aware of your own emotions, and how to manage and use the information to guide your conversations. The lack of emotional intelligence will negate any strategies and tools you use. If your partner always comes late to events, lateness is the problem and not your partner.

Create Emotionally, and Physical Safety and Move From Assumption to Curiosity

Challenge your own assumptions…Be curious about why you want to spend time with me? Do not assume what they mean? Move from assumption to curiosity. Say something like:

‘I am curious…can you help me understand?’

‘I have noticed…can you help me understand?’

‘I would like to talk about…with you, but first I want to understand your point of view.’

‘I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about…I really want to hear your thoughts about this and share my perspective as well.’

Become Aware Of Positions and Interests

If a couple wants to go out for dinner. One wants to go for Italian and the other wants to go for Chinese. Now both are on top of the mountain with their positions. How about finding common interest or common ground. Both want to eat, both want to spend time together and both want to spend money. How about doing a take-out from the two different restaurants and then going to a park and having the meal together. By finding a common ground you are solving the position.

Look at the common interest of fairness, respect, safety, efficiency, growth, justice, happiness, autonomy, honesty, and loyalty. Ask why your partner wants to go for Chinese or Italian. What is so important about the restaurant?

Sharpen Your Listening Skills

For efficient communication in marriage, listening is the key. Focus on your partner and listen to what they are saying. If not, your partner will get frustrated and you will misunderstand the message. Listening is just not hearing the message but you need to put mental focus and physical effort into it. Look at the body language and tone of your partner. Get a total comprehension of your partner’s point of view. Encourage your partner to communicate in an open way.

Care About Your Partner

The goal of communication in marriage is to make the relationship stronger and the bond tighter. Focus on why your partner feels a certain way. Be sensitive to the feeling of your partner.

Even in Boxing, Hitting Below the Belt is Not Allowed

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are powerful weapons that can inspire or destroy someone. You have a choice to either encourage or break your spouse. Communication in marriage is a discipline of love. Your tongue is a spiritual thermometer. You need to step out of your own frame of reference and it is an ego-emptying activity. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman help us to be careful with our words ‘I am to sow words like seeds to bring a harvest of fruit…We must choose our words as if we were choosing an instrument of life or death.’ Please use your words to build up your partner.

Even after 24 years of marriage, I have to grow in every area mentioned above. Here is what I recommend for you. GET HELP if you are feeling that there is a lack of communication in your marriage. Go get marriage counseling. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member. An objective view from a counselor or a different perspective is what you need.

The post 10 Keys to Successful Communication in Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Welcome to my series on practical faith. We eat food daily, so we understand food. We have a brother, sister, mother, father, son, or daughter, so we comprehend family. We use money daily, so we know its power. But faith… What is it? For some people, it could be Jesus, Chris Tomlin, Louis Hay, David Crowder,  John Demartini, or Esther Hicks. For others, it could be a get-rich scheme, the secret to success, or a method to manifest abundance.

Over the last 18 months, I have interviewed people from the Hindu, Parsi, Sikh, Mindfulness, Living Arts, Sahaja Yoga, and various denominations of Christianity.

I want to delve into the practical aspects of having faith. Debbie has been fighting cancer for the last seven months. Karen drove in the worst storm, gave up her shift to drive Debbie to her surgery, and stayed with her the whole day. Alison drove 40 minutes to pick Debbie from the hospital. Karen and Alison do not follow any faith. However, the community has rallied around us. Over the last three months, Carolyn created a meal train for us; people are giving us gift certificates, someone is paying for my fence to be repaired, and so on. These people are putting their faith into practice.

Lori Beth runs a faith-based blog to encourage your daily life. She covers diverse topics concerning her faith. I ask her real, deep questions as to how faith can be put to practice, God’s power, building faith, and feelings are not facts.

Lori, please talk to me about what faith is. I find faith is easy to preach, even easier to write and read about. Living it day in and day out and practicing peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, generosity, forgiveness, compassion, and serving others. That is when the rubber hits the road. Please comment?

Faith means having a belief in something that you cannot necessarily see at the moment. The Bible says that “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1.

Faith is easy to preach and write about. The real test comes in living it out. I think when someone truly yields their life to God and relies on the Holy Spirit, it makes living this out possible. I consider myself to be someone who has a strong faith in God, yet this does not mean I am perfect. I have my days where I feel I’m on a mountaintop, obeying God, serving others, and showing love. But then there are days I find myself getting impatient, acting in the flesh, disobeying God’s instructions, etc. And I believe this is just part of being human and battling with the sinful nature. When these things happen, I am convicted to get on my knees and ask for forgiveness and lean on God’s help to overcome. I think having faith in God is what keeps me going and it helps me- to not give up on God, and not give up on myself. It is possible to live a life of victory in faith when you consistently go to your source (God) no matter what. For example, if I have to forgive someone who hurt me deeply, I cannot do this on my own strength. But when I go to God and say “Lord, help me see this person how you see them. Help me to let this go and cast this onto you. I cannot handle this but you can,” there is a power in doing that and then I am able to show forgiveness. This does not mean it is easy. This does not mean it is instant either. But it means it is possible. I have to rely on God and my faith in Him more than relying on my own feelings. 

Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Faith does not always protect us. Talk to me about this statement because sometimes we get confused?

Bad things happen to everyone no matter what. Because we live in a broken world, even Christians will face hardships and suffering. 

I think it’s important to know that as Christians, sometimes a lot of bad happens to us because we are being attacked by the enemy. God can certainly deliver us from these attacks and/or show us how to overcome the attacks and fight through them. What I love is the phrase “You take what the enemy meant for evil and you turn it for good”. We see Joseph say this in the book of Genesis. 

It is important to understand as I stated before that a lot of bad happens due to living in a broken world. When Adam and Eve sinned, sin entered the earth. This left us all open and vulnerable to an imperfect place to live in. So we are not immune to sickness and pain. Bad happens as well because sometimes God is testing our faith. If we never faced hardships, our faith would not grow. We would have no reason to cling to God and focus on him if we lived in perfect earth. I think a lot of times we face tribulations because God wants to humble us, prune us/ cleanse us, and mature us. 

What is the difference between North American Christianity and individualism and the real Christianity of embracing suffering, being humble, and turning the other cheek?

Sometimes North American Christianity can be very self-focused. We may not say it aloud, but sometimes we act and believe as if God was the one created in order to make us happy. We like being comfortable and in control of our lives. We often forget that we are the creation. We exist for Him, not the other way around. We exist to worship Him, have fellowship with Him, and glorify Him with our lives. Sometimes that includes a lot of suffering. We can’t think suffering is a terrible thing, because truthfully suffering is what purifies us and draws us closer to God than ever before. To endure suffering for God is something that is honorable. I think North American Christianity gets mad at God for allowing suffering. While real Christianity understands that this world is not our home, so we will have to endure a lot of pain on this earth. The solution is not to run from it but find God in the midst of it. He is very present in our pain. The Christians in the book of Acts endured countless amounts of suffering, especially Paul. He was beaten, flogged, jailed, ridiculed, and killed. This was a man who loved God more than anything and look at what he had to endure. The disciples who walked with Jesus on this earth were also killed for their faith. But they were able to spread the gospel message and that is what mattered. Sometimes we as Christians can be very worldly in our thinking patterns and in what we expect from God. But when we decide to truly study the Scriptures, our minds can be renewed and we can be set free as we find what it truly means to be a Christian. 

The older I get I realize I need to become intentional to have health, friendships, relationships, and everything else. The old adage just pray about it, trust, and read your bible does not cut it anymore. Help me understand this better?

Praying about situations, reading the Bible, and trusting God are the first steps to anything important. These are the foundations of the faith. In order to have health, praying about it is a place to start. Then, you take action. This could mean exercise, cutting things out of your regular diet, being disciplined to say no to sugar, etc. 

The same goes for friendships and relationships. I pray a lot about those things. The Word shows us how to be a good friend and how to truly show love in our relationships. Then putting our faith and what we have learned in the Word into action is important. It’s not enough to just know the right thing, it’s about putting it into practice. I have prayed a lot about purposeful friendships. I find that God always brings someone into my life when I pray for it to happen. Now, this does not mean I sit at home and a new friend just comes to my door of course. It means maybe I seek someone out at church, I join a new small group or ministry, or volunteer somewhere and start seeking out friends. So the action steps are important but praying that God leads is always the right place to start. 

Instagram is the land of selfies and the likes. Is that good for us? Should we really judge our worth with likes?

Instagram can be very damaging if we are not careful about guarding our hearts against pride. I think sometimes we incorrectly believe we are somehow more important when people pay attention to us on social media. If we struggle with insecurity, we may be using those likes as fake validation. When really, it’s a silly thing to do. Our worth is not found in likes, but it’s found in Jesus Christ. Jesus died and shed His blood for each one of us. He sees us as worthy. His thoughts of us need to matter more than anyone else’s. His approval is what matters, not the approval of man. So I would say it’s kind of dangerous to judge our worth in social media. Social media can never deliver us from insecurity, only a relationship with Jesus and knowing our true identity can do that. 

I love your article concerning the single woman. Talk about your own experience through that whole process?

Although I am currently married (just a few months in, I’m a newlywed), being single was one of the things that I struggled with a lot. I write about it in hopes to encourage others with my story. 

When I was single, I had a season where I was content with that. I became very close to God and learned how to love Him above all things. I allowed Him to fill my voids, just by prayer, spending time in worship, and focusing on Him. There was a point where I truly did not want to date anyone because all I wanted was more of God and I did not want any distractions. 

Then eventually, that faded as I got really caught up in my feelings. I got caught up in looking at everyone else’s lives. I especially got caught up at my age. People would ask me why I wasn’t married yet and that began to bother me. I felt pressure from those around me, and I also started to feel lonely and began to dwell on that loneliness. So I started compromising, lowering my standards and started dating just because I did not want to be alone anymore. I did not try to necessarily date Christian men, but men who seemed decent and would give me attention. After a few breakups, I found myself very broken. I realized I was forcing relationships out of loneliness. None of the men I dated were truly anything that I knew God wanted for me. I had always envisioned myself with a strong man of God, with someone who could lead me, pray with me, and seek the Lord with me. I dated men who weren’t sure if they even believed in God and some that did but just did not seem to fit well with me. 

Eventually, I had to lay down those relationships. I felt very rejected during this time and I had to come to the conclusion none of them could truly give me the love my heart needed. I was very desperate for a man more than God, and that mentality had to change. 

I started to do a few things to change. I fasted and prayed. I joined a group of young women my age in a bible study and we met weekly, discussing topics that were important to us and strengthened our faith.  I got a life coach who walked me through the reasoning behind my decisions. She encouraged me to wait on a godly man and not lower my standards. I resolved that the next man I would give a chance to would have to meet those standards of being a strong believer and that I could truly see a future with him. 

At this point, I was 30 years old. I was seeking a lot of new things in my life, such as a new job and a new location. I was praying and fasting for God to open those doors. I also began to pray and fast specifically for a godly husband. That year, God opened the door for me to move, get a new job, and eventually meet a great godly man in my new location who would become my husband. I love my husband and one of the best things about Him is his strong faith in God. He pushes me closer to God and does not try to take God’s place in my life. That is exactly what I wanted. So, I’m very glad I did not settle many years ago out of loneliness and out of the pressure from others to hurry up and be with someone. It takes a strong person to hold up their standards and not lower them. 

I am really a loyal person and sometimes wanted my friends from kindergarten to still be close. However, some relationships are there for a reason and for a season so no use chasing those relationships. What is your opinion on that?

It’s hard to accept that some friends really only come for a season. When we move to another area, another church, another job, we make new friends and it can be hard to keep in touch with old ones. That does not mean it’s impossible of course, I still have friends in different locations. But when you reach out to someone and they don’t respond, or it seems you are just drifting away and keeping in touch seems more forced than something natural, it might be a sign it was a seasonal friendship. And it’s okay to accept that and move on. It’s not a good idea to chase people unless the Holy Spirit is putting on your heart that you really need to remain connected to that person. This is possible. Sometimes hurdles present themselves but if God is putting in your heart that you should not cut that connection then you should listen. 

You are one of the few female bloggers that have written about sexual purity. It has always been part of the male domain. Talk about the harm that kind of lifestyle can lead us?

There is a lot of harm that comes from sexual sin. I think one of the most important truths to recognize is that if you are in sexual sin, this hinders your intimacy with God. It’s very hard to be close to God if you are living that lifestyle because you are compromising by disobeying His Word. You are sinning against your own body and not valuing yourself. God’s will is that we all draw near to him, be satisfied with him, and live an abundant life of victory. But when you are in sexual sin, you are very distracted. I’ve heard the phrase, “How can you cast out a demon you are sleeping with?” And I believe that is a powerful statement.  As Christians, we have to be focused on doing the will of God for our lives and having a close relationship with God. Our vision can become clouded when we are in sexual sin. This sin can keep us bound to people who God never intended to be in our lives. It also causes a lot of emotional pain. Women, in particular, become very clingy to men they are sexual with. Then when that man breaks their heart, they are left with so much pain that is hard to overcome. Sex bonds you to a person through the hormone called oxytocin. This hormone is released during sex. Because of this, it is not easy to forget someone you are with. Then in the future, you might bring all that baggage into a marriage. Also, women are usually longing for security in a relationship and think that if they have sex with the man maybe he will stay around forever. But if we give ourselves away so easily, and that man has no reason to stay committed, he can use you and move on while you are left chasing him. I have experienced the pain of sexual sin in the sense that I felt a lot of guilt, shame, and I felt a wall in my relationship with God. It took me many years to overcome it and finally feel strong again. The most damaging effect it had on me was the wedge it created between me and the Lord, and it stunted my growth. This left me feeling very broken. So I talk about sexual purity because this is an issue that must be spoken about among women. We can avoid a lot of pain and brokenness when we save ourselves and resolve to live a life of purity. It is possible with God’s help and leaning on Him. 

I truly believe more harm has been done in this world through insecurity. You talk a lot about it.  Walk me through that maze of insecurity?

Oh yes, insecurity is one of the most damaging things that humans deal with. I think it’s very common. I have dealt with many insecurities stemming from childhood. I had thoughts that told me I was less than others, that I was ugly, and I was not worth much. Some of it derived from growing up in a home with a lot of conflicts. Some of it came from constant comparison towards those around me. I believe the devil has tried to use that against me to kill my confidence. He does this to many others as well. When we are insecure, we are constantly unsure of ourselves. We are not firm in our decisions, we have a hard time speaking up about things, and have difficulty connecting with others. It can keep us from doing the will of God in our lives. If we feel we aren’t good enough for a certain position or ministry, that is stemming from a place of insecurity. Many people know they are gifted but are afraid to use their gifts because of insecurity. Insecurity can also keep a girl in a bad relationship and chasing boys that are no good because she does not know her worth. In one season of my life, I was that girl. God helped me overcome insecurity by going to a retreat when I was younger. I also learned to speak the Word of God aloud and believe it. At one point in my life, I decided to fast, pray, and read books about my identity in Christ and godly confidence. 

God showed me where my insecurity was coming from and I had to deal with some past painful experiences. I would not say “I have arrived”, but the battle is not as intense as before. I stay in freedom by remembering the Word and prayer and casting down thoughts that don’t agree with God’s Word. God has taken me a long way. I have learned my worth is in Him and I definitely feel more secure in myself as an adult. 

Prayer and being silent have been practiced since the beginning of time. Talk to me about the advantages and how it helps us?

Prayer is so powerful. When we just sit with God in his presence, He is able to speak to us and shows us things. When we get quiet with Him, we are able to deal with things in our hearts that He can reveal to us. We are able to find the true peace and healing that we need. Whenever I am stressed, I recharge by having alone time with God in my room. I put on worship music, I talk to him, then just sit and listen. I find myself always feeling stronger and more focused after I do this.  I try to make this a more regular habit. I think for any Christian, prayer is like your oxygen. And alone time with God is necessary. If we don’t do it, we will certainly feel negative effects in our attitudes and our minds. 

We may never have all the answers. I am ok with it. Instead of why me I say what now. Walk me through this statement?

To get away from saying “Why me” and saying “What now”, is a really good thing to do. When we are stuck on “Why me?” we can get stuck in self-pity and bitterness. It can lead us to get angry with God and feel like our circumstances are unfair. But truthfully sometimes we will never know why some painful things happen to us. We have to make that decision to trust in God and ask Him how to get through it and move forward. God will always use our pain for good when we trust Him with it. God is faithful to work things out in our lives no matter how bad it looks like in the present moment. When we can release our “Why me?” to God, and instead ask God “What now?” this gives God the liberty to steer us in the right direction. God may be wanting to show you how to overcome the pain so that you can comfort others who are in the same pain. It’s often where you feel the most broken that you are able to minister to others. It’s often when you are going through the fire that God is molding you and making you more mature. It’s one thing to say we have faith, it’s another to hold onto that faith no matter what happens in our lives. I think God is pleased when we choose to trust Him no matter what. 

I’ve heard a story of a young wife who became a widow when her husband died unexpectedly. She now leads a ministry serving other young widows and telling them about how Jesus helps her with the pain. I heard a story of a young man whose wife died, and at first, he was broken. Of course, I am sure it still hurts. But God told him to use his energy to start a homeless ministry and he was able to bless those people in many ways. You just never know who you can help out of your brokenness, but have to trust God has a plan. 

The post Practical Faith appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Jackie, a very close and dear friend of mine is getting married in two weeks time. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I cannot make it to the wedding. Last week, we spoke for a while and I gave her some advice. I thought I might as well write about it.

Jackie, it is awesome to see you getting married. I know you have wanted this for a long time. You have moved cities, gone out of your comfort zone and have made this decision.

I am going to give you a few pieces of practical advice.

Intentional is not a word used in marriage terminology. I insist the day you get married, is to become intentional about having a great marriage.

Now is a great marriage made in Hollywood? Live happily ever after…a prolonged honeymoon phase.

Appreciate each other’s differences

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fence, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou

Men and women are different physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and their approach to life. Accept it, embrace it, and remember it daily. 2 +2 =4. 3 +1 = 4. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4. So, remember there are different ways of doing things.

Be grateful daily

“I love you’, ‘I’m here for you’, “I understand’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Thank you’, ‘I really appreciate all that you do’, ‘It’s so nice to see you’, ‘That was quite an accomplishment!'” — Gina Spielman

Being grateful is a choice, commitment, and determinant.

You have found a partner, a readymade family, someone who loves you and gets you. Become grateful.

Forgive often

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

“Forgiveness is a key element in healthy marriages. Forgiveness is the oil that lubricates a love relationship, and it’s the oil we need daily. Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it’s an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse in spite of his or her imperfections and irritations” David and Claudia Arp

He is coming into the marriage with a lot of irritations and imperfections. You will experience pain and suffering in marriage. Fumbling, lack of communication, disagreements happen even in a healthy relationship. Be intentional in forgiving.

No place for criticism or blame

“What you are facing is intended to strengthen your marriage, not destroy it.” – Jackie Bledsoe

FAULT = CRITICISM = BLAME = RESENTMENT = ANGER = FEAR = VICTIM THINKING = NO RESPONSIBILITY

Your partner is human with weaknesses. You need to focus on his strengths. Criticizing him will only bring him down.

Be patient

^“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Your marriage will become better as time passes by. Just be patient.

Take responsibility and stay connected

“One of the worst things a couple can do is live on their own little island. People who think of their marriage in terms of an isolationist mindset, do so at their own peril” – Mark Gungor

It is very easy to lose sight of one another as you lead busy lives. Everything is fighting for your attention. Children, computers, smartphones, work, various activities. You need to take responsibility to stay emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically connected.

Touch often

I would strongly encourage you to hold hands very often. All research points to the fact that when we touch each other, a stronger bond is created by releasing oxytocin.

Do not try to change him

“God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix him’ wife, God wants me to be a ‘love him’ wife.”- Lysa TerKeurst

Only a baby in dirty diapers likes change. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. A leopard does not change its spots. All you can do is change yourself. If you try to change your spouse’s personality, it is disrespectful, creates an emotional distance, he will feel unworthy and you will become emotionally exhausted.

He is not there to make you happy

Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments make up your love story. – Jennifer Smith

The best way to destroy your marriage is to have unrealistic expectations. He will meet all my needs, he is there to make me happy, and he will fill the void in my life.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Know the difference between cohabitation and marriage. You are not getting married so that you can get what you want but more about what you can give.

Date often

“When a couple spends time alone each week, their levels of happiness, positive communication….are more than three times higher than those who don’t spend that time together” – Dr. Greg Smalley

Date night is not about talking about kids, finances, or issues. It is about spending time and enjoying each other. Go on dates and have fun.

Communicate

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility – Leo Tolstoy

Always communicate with one another. You will develop a special language. It is a fun and productive process. You will minimize confusion and always be assured.

You are in it for life

The D-word does not exist in your marriage. You are in this for good. Work at it daily. Be intentional in everything you do and stay in touch.

Photo Credits: Samantha Gades on Unsplash, Oscar Ivan Esquivel Arteaga on Unsplash, Anna Utochkina on Unsplash, Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash, Ngọc Hằng on Unsplash, Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash, Elise St. Clair on Unsplash, Daniel Suarez Photography on Unsplash,  Adika Suhari on Unsplash, Ross Findon on Unsplash,  frank mckenna on Unsplash, Christin Hume on Unsplash

The post 12 Diamond Rules of Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Prayer is a form of communication or supplication directed toward a deity, higher power, or divine being. It is a practice that is often associated with religious or spiritual traditions and is found in various forms across different cultures and belief systems.

In prayer, individuals express their thoughts, feelings, gratitude, requests, or devotion to the object of their worship. Prayers can take many forms, including spoken words, silent thoughts, rituals, or written expressions. The content and purpose of prayers can vary widely, ranging from seeking guidance, expressing gratitude, asking for assistance, seeking forgiveness, or simply fostering a sense of connection with the divine.

Different religions and spiritual traditions have their specific practices and beliefs regarding prayer. In some traditions, prayer may involve specific rituals, gestures, or recitation of sacred texts. In others, it may be more personal and spontaneous. Overall, prayer serves as a means for individuals to connect with their spiritual beliefs, seek comfort, and find a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives.

I talked to Pastor Beth Graf about prayer.

Beth, a pleasure having you onboard. Please share with my audience a little about you?

I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for 26 years.  I’m a mom to two amazing teenagers. I’m a former E.C.E. and Kindergarten teacher. Currently, I’m the Ministry Health Pastor (part-time) at Sanctus Church and a certified Spiritual Life Coach in my private practice. The best part of my life is the incredible adventure of following Jesus Christ for 43 years!

This month you released The Truth About You: God’s Thoughts For You. What is it about? What is the main message? Why should we read it?

I’m thrilled to share that I have recently published a children’s book on Amazon called “The Truth About You: God’s Thoughts For You”. While it’s geared toward younger children, the book is full of “identity-shaping” truths for all ages.

Amazingly, all the words/concepts in this book come from Listening Prayer with my daughter and son when they were 4 to 10 years old.  After they would say their bedtime prayers, we would pause and listen to see what the Lord Jesus wanted to say to them in response. I recorded all the simple, profound truths that came to their child’s hearts. Two years ago, the Lord impressed upon me that He wanted other children to know these same truths, so He inspired me to create this book!

There is also a bonus section at the end for Parents/Caregivers to help their children hear from God for themselves. Children can easily hear from the Lord if they are shown how.

I know you were a pastor for prayer and now a ministry health pastor. I want to know what is prayer.

From my experience, prayer is an authentic, ongoing conversation with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. You speak with honor and transparency to God and He speaks lovingly and truthfully to you.

Your depth of knowing God depends on your choice. Let me explain – To know God the Father and the Holy Spirit intimately, you first must welcome a relationship with Jesus Christ, the Son of God. The reason for this is that Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross is the only thing that makes us perfect and holy again.  When we personally accept Jesus’ sacrifice and invite Him into our lives to lead us, God shifts from being outside of us to the inside of us. This internal dwelling of Jesus Christ is what can make our relationship and prayer life more profound and intimate with God. God is no longer, “the universe” or far away, we can know and experience Him profoundly within.

One final thought, to grow in your prayer life requires making it part of your everyday life. Just like exercising your body or brushing your teeth, make it an intentional holy habit. For me now at this point in my life, it’s like I never hang up the phone on God, I’m communicating with Him and He is sharing with me constantly.

Many people treat God like a genie in a bottle and buy into the prosperity gospel. What should we know about prayer? Do we really need it in our daily lives?

When I was first following Jesus, prayer was all about asking God for what I wanted and for Him to help me with my plans. Now after years of following, surrendering to Him, and becoming more like Jesus, my prayers are often, “God, what do You want? Have Your Way. Your kingdom comes, Your will be done.”

I have tried to release God of all my expectations of Him and what I thought was the way He should answer and respond to my prayers. It just led to such disappointment. Yet, what would our world be like if God were obligated to fulfill the will of every human being? That would be disastrous! Thankfully, the LORD is obligated only to His will. So now when I pray, I ask the Lord what He wants regarding situations and people, listen for His answer, and then pray it back to Him. As a result, I see incredible and specific answers to my prayers.

Let’s be honest. Prayer is not natural. Give us some practical examples of how we can get better at it. How we can make it a habit?

We all seem to make time to brush our teeth, why? Because it’s important for our health and we value our smile.

In making prayer a habit, it’s so important to first realize that prayer is incredibly valuable! For some reason, God has chosen to work with humanity to see His will fulfilled on the earth. Prayers that aren’t prayed, won’t be answered by Him. I used to think that God didn’t really need my prayers and that He was just going to do whatever He wanted anyway. However, as I got to know Him and read the Bible, I realized that although He was Sovereign overall, God still decides to use our feeble prayers to usher in His will on the earth (Matthew 7:7).

Once I realized my prayers mattered, it was motivation to make it a habit.

I recommend the following on how to get better at prayer:

Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you how to pray.

Be intentionally aware of God’s presence in your everyday life.

Create a prayer rhythm in your schedule. Start simple with a short prayer time once a day. As you find it beneficial, increase the length of time or frequency. For me, I have an intentional prayer time in the morning, as I get ready, where I give God all that I’m facing that day and ask for His help. Before bed, I also get on my knees and unload all the stresses of my day on Him and pray whatever else the Holy Spirit brings to mind.

Make room for spontaneous prayer in your day. As stuff comes up, have an internal conversation with Him or out loud when you’re on your own.

When you don’t know what to say to God, pray for a Bible verse that resonates with you. The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13 is helpful. Writing/journaling prayers are powerful as well.

Help me understand as a pastor what women’s empowerment means to you.

It means fair opportunity, respect, and an equal voice at the table.

The more I read about Jesus, the more I am impressed. He was always surrounded by women. He cared for the prostitute, and the menstruating woman, and talked to them. This was unheard of in His time and culture. What can we learn from this and apply it to the 21st century?

I don’t fully understand why women have always seemed to be “less than” men – not taken as seriously, marginalized, objectified, covered/hidden, silenced, or poorer. We can truly learn from Jesus who honored women and gave them a voice and significant roles to play in His life story and mission. It was an ordinary teenage girl who was chosen as His earthly mother and a former prostitute who was first given the gospel to share with others that Jesus was alive from the dead.

Jesus empowered the marginalized, those that others would overlook or even reject. He loved them, taught them, and then entrusted them with His mission of sharing the good news of His salvation. Jesus had both male and female followers who were valued and called to fulfill His vision. We’re all in this together.

You have been married for a while and are a mother. Please give my audience three practical tips on being a mother and wife.

As a wife and mother:

Ask God to help you be unselfish and give you wisdom all the time.

Communicate honestly, respectfully, and kindly – treat your husband and kids the way you want to be treated.

Let go of control. There are seasons when children are young and need you to protect them but as they grow, give them space to breathe, discover, and take risks. Don’t feel the pressure to change your husband. Leave him and your kids in the trustworthy hands of God and be free of worrying over them.

Beth, we can read our Bible, trust God, and pray all we want. However, we have to be intentional in dealing with our issues, hurt, pain, anger, resentment, and other challenges. Give me some practical examples of how we can do this.

Forgive others – truly from your heart. When you forgive, it’s not that you are agreeing that what happened to you was right, it’s choosing to let the person off your hook and leave them on God’s hook. Un-forgiveness, bitterness, and resentment take up too much emotional energy. Let it go. You’ll find it so freeing not to keep track of every wrong that has ever happened to you. You’ll have more time to think of other things and feel more positive emotions – anger and bitterness are “joy-killers.”

Forgive God and yourself. In our brokenness, we can hold unforgiveness toward God in our heart for times He let us down and allowed things to happen to us that were painful. Release God of your expectations and forgive Him, it’s just a block in your relationship to Him if you don’t. The truth is He’s perfect, He can’t do anything wrong, it’s our pain that distorts our perception. You can’t be perfect, that’s why Jesus lived a perfect life for us and died for our imperfections, that we would be made right with our perfect Creator God. Let yourself go free of unrealistic expectations and ask for Jesus’ help moving forward.

Let go of shame. It makes us hide from God and others. God made you to shine for Him! Ask Him to forgive you and He will.

Renounce lies you believed about yourself through pain and trauma – lies like I’m fat, I’m ugly, I don’t matter, I’m unworthy, What I have to say isn’t important, unlovable, I’m not good enough or I don’t measure up. Like shame, lies keep us from being all God wants us to be. DON’T HOLD BACK, SHINE!

Know the truth about God and who He really is according to Scripture and know the truth about you and how He sees you. Walking in these truths will set you free.

I know you went through a serious physical challenge a couple of years back. Walk me through how you dealt with it and came out thriving at the end of the tunnel?

When I was 27, I came to a place in my life where I wanted to experience God. I knew about Jesus but I didn’t really know Him – there’s a big difference. In desperation, I cried out to the Lord to encounter me. I wanted to know Him and He came to me. His peaceful presence overwhelmed me and as a result, I learned to love Him and His Word – the Bible. I also gained an intense desire to worship Him and put Him first and began to discern His personal thoughts for me and others.

When I was 41 years, I became very sick and started to lose weight for a whole year. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (bowel disease) and hospitalized in September 2012. I remember when the GI specialist said, “I think I’m going to upgrade your diagnosis to Crohn’s Colitis”. This was devastating because there is no known cure for Crohn’s disease. It felt like he had dropped 2 tonnes on me and that I’d been given a life sentence.

When he left the hospital room, I immediately cried out to God and this was the memorable dialogue that ensued.

Me: “Lord Jesus, I know that what You say is the truest reality! What do You want to tell me right now? I need Your voice.”

Jesus: “HEALED!” (I was astonished!)

Me: “Do You mean the ultimate healing in death?” (I frankly felt so awful and was in so much pain, I wanted to die).

Jesus: “No.”

Me: “Then when will You heal me, God?” (I wanted His healing yesterday).

Jesus: “Soon.”

Me: “Is that according to Your sense of time or my timeline?”

I never got an answer. But from that moment onward, I clung in faith to His word HEALED even though things didn’t initially change. One important thing I remember doing was not agreeing to the doctor’s diagnosis and owning it. I never said ”I have Crohn’s” or “My disease”, instead I would say, “I’ve been diagnosed with Crohn’s Colitis”. I took God’s word to me seriously and I wasn’t going to agree to anything less than HEALED.

Long story short, listening for His voice got me through such a dark time when I was stripped of everything. I couldn’t even mother my children and had to go stay with my parents for 2 months. I was broken so profoundly but I kept hearing God say to me that He would raise me up and that was the bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. I realized that HOPE is imperative. To not have hope is deathly. His voice was so reassuring and hopeful.

Prayer also helped. So many people at my church and my family were praying for me faithfully. I prayed constantly. On multiple occasions, I was blessed to have people visit and pray over me asking God to heal me. Praying against the enemy of my soul and breaking off his legal claim to me was incredibly beneficial too.

Dealing with my emotional pain, especially fear, was healing for me. Science has proven that our emotional brain is the lining of our digestive system and with Crohn’s Colitis affecting my whole digestive system, addressing my emotional baggage was essential.

But ultimately it was God. I remember the day in July 2015, I had spent a rare 5 days in a row alone with Him.  The Holy Spirit lead me in a deep healing experience and I was remarkably set free from a lot of fears in my life and even a spirit of fear. The LORD told me that because I had let Him deal with the root cause of the illness, I could go off Imuran, my medicine. This was very risky because the drug managed the Crohn’s Colitis. But I took a leap of faith and trusted God’s voice over anyone else. That was almost 4 years ago and I’m eating everything. I gain weight and I lose it when I want. I don’t have irritable bowels. I don’t have any further symptoms.

All I can do is praise the LORD and agree with Him – HEALED!!

To sum it up, learning to discern and obey the true voice of the Father, The Son (Jesus) and the Holy Spirit, eating well, exercise, dealing with emotional pain/fears, natural supplements/probiotics, medicine, healing prayer – God used all of it to restore me. 

Finally, how do you find balance and place priority in your own life with regard to food faith finance, and family?

I don’t always do this well. It’s tough. I was recently talking with someone and they didn’t like the word balance and it got me thinking. Sometimes there are seasons where you need to give more to your family, sometimes there are seasons when you need to give more to your faith and relationship with God and sometimes you need to focus more on your health.

I don’t know the answer to this, but I do know that the closer I am to God, the more the rest of my life/responsibilities are harmonized.

The post What is prayer? appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.