Resilience is how well people deal with and bounce back from the challenges of life. Resilience is the process of adjusting positively as you face challenges, tragedy, adversity, threats, and major sources of stress like job loss, divorce, financial issues, health problems, workplace discrimination, or the current COVID crisis. Resilience is not only about bouncing back, but also about learning and growing from the experience. The challenges are difficult and painful, but one needs to be aware of what they can control. Resilience helps you walk through the challenging times in your life and empowers you.

Resilience does not mean you will not face challenges in your life. The truth is that some of the most resilient people have faced and gone through the most challenging things a person can face. Resilience can be learned and involves developing actions, behaviors, and thoughts that help you bounce back from traumatic events in your life.

The Three  Aspects of Resilience

Susan Kobasa, a leading psychologist, talks about the three aspects of resilience. The first is the challenge. When you are facing difficulties in your life, you have to see it as a challenge and not as an event that will paralyze you. The difficulty has to be viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow, and not negatively. The second is that you have to be committed to your goals, values, ethos, friendships, relationships, and beliefs, and find a reason to get up in the morning. The third part is to focus on what you can control. When you focus on what you can control and let go, you feel confident and empowered. If you focus on what you cannot control, it will make you feel powerless.

Where is My GPS?

Life on planet Earth does not come with a GPS. However, the challenges and the traumatic events of life on Earth can impact us negatively. These events bring up a variety of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and uncertainty. Debbie has been battling cancer for six months. Last week I got a text that someone I have known my whole life committed suicide. I have been asked a lot about how I manage to stay resilient. Here are my eleven secrets to staying resilient. I have included quotes from strong women who have been resilient in their lives.

Find a purpose and a deeper meaning

Grief and resilience live together – Michelle Obama, Becoming

One of my best friends committed suicide two years after high school. In the last few years, I have lost one of my closest friends from university and another from the business world. Last week, someone from my youth group committed suicide. As we come across a tragedy or a crisis in our personal lives we have to find a sense of purpose. I started a blog, got more involved in volunteering, more introspective, and started aligning all my activities with my goals and values.

As Debbie fights cancer, I am learning to become more compassionate, understanding, kind, and gentle.

Be Positive about your capabilities

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it – Maya Angelo

When Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was handling it the best. She was just confident. I learned from her that we have to be confident about our capabilities on how to handle this event in our family. I had to focus on what we call a SWOT analysis in the business world. However, I had to focus on my strengths and keep the positive tape in my brain going.

Friendships are important

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance – Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

I would not have made it through the present crisis without close friends. I continue to stay connected with friends and cousins to share my feelings about what I am going through. This support does wonders for our emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and psychological health.

It is important to also connect with people who are understanding, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, and who validate what you are going through. I have spoken to many people whose spouses have gone through cancer. It helps what you are feeling is natural. Sometimes there is a natural tendency to isolate ourselves. It is important to connect with people.

The only constant in life is change

Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive – Jean Chatzky

When I was doing my MBA and as we studied about companies that survived and those that perished the only difference was the survivors adapted to change. We have to constantly adapt to our surroundings. Stick to your values and core concepts but we have to adapt. Those that are flexible and embrace the changes thrive in the long run. I had to adapt my lifestyle and my attitude about being a spouse of a cancer patient.

Be Confident 

Like tiny seeds with potent power to push through tough ground and become mighty trees, we hold innate reserves of unimaginable strength. We are resilient – Catherine DeVrye, The Gift of Nature

When we are going through challenging times, it is tough to be confident in the tunnel. However, you have to cling to hope and focus on staying positive. Positive thinking does not mean you ignore the problem or the challenges you are facing. It means that the stumbling blocks are temporary and we need to focus on our capabilities to handle the challenge. I am confident that after chemo and radiation Debbie will make it through the end of November.

Self-care

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow – Mary Anne Radmacher

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You need to eat healthy food, get sleep, rest, build new skills, and even seek counseling.

Focus on solutions, not problems

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it – Helen Keller

No matter what we are going through, focus on solutions. Do not ask why me but what now. There are times when there is no solution. However, you have to try to take baby steps to make your situation less stressful.

Join a group

She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails – Elizabeth Edwards

I have spoken to many men whose spouses have gone through cancer. When you talk to other people who have gone through similar circumstances it helps you. Join a group of people who are going through similar issues. Talk about it and get together. It will do miracles for you. It is good to talk and get things out. If you keep it inside, you end with a lot of psycho-somatic issues. 

Practice mindfulness

Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life – J.K. Rowling

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. I personally find breathing very helpful.

Focus on one goal

The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

As Debbie goes through cancer, we just take it one day at a time. There is a tendency to focus on the end and how it will all look once chemo and radiation are done.

Ask for help

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good – Elizabeth Edwards

I am bad at asking for help. My wife is even worse. However, I was challenged to ask for help. As I asked for help, I have a meal train for us and people driving Debbie for her chemo and other appointments.

The key takeaway from this post is that whenever you are going through a challenging time, in order to be resilient:

Do not listen to the news, it is all negative, look to other sources for empowerment and inspiration

It is ok to cry and express what you are going through

Go for a walk and connect with nature

Focus on your strengths and be confident

Have a real, deep and vulnerable conversation with a close friend or family member

Talk to someone who has gone through or going through similar challenges like you

Pray, meditate and connect with a higher power

Write what you are going through and feeling

Practice kindness towards others and to yourself

Music inspires and empowers you, listen to it

Breathe deeply

Take it one day and one hour at a time. Focus on the present.

The post Resilience & Stress Management appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I’m thrilled to welcome Chris Vacher to today’s conversation. With over 20 years of experience serving in leadership roles—including Executive Pastor and church consultant—Chris brings a unique blend of strategic insight and coaching expertise to the table.

He’s the founder of Chris Vacher Leadership Solutions, through which he empowers mission-driven teams to move from confusion to clarity and confidence using his proven “Team360” methodology—holistic leadership coaching, performance assessment, and transformative team workshops

Chris tell my global audience a little about you.

I know your blog audience is global so it’s probably important to say I’m Canadian! Sonya and I have been married 15 years, we have 4 kids and live just east of Toronto. Since 2005 I’ve worked full-time in churches involved in everything on the creative side and also leadership. I’m currently pursuing my Master’s in Leadership and I’m a huge fan of coffee! 

Explain what is a worship pastor and what is your role in that.

So, anyone who is a pastor is responsible for shepherding people as part of a local church congregation. Worship pastors do that mostly through what happens in the worship services – the music, prayers, communion, readings, and the design of the service itself. I became a Christian in high school and because I was very musical, I got involved in leading worship right away, not knowing it would be a huge focus of my life for the next 20 years. 

How important is music in the service?

How important is food to a meal? Music is this amazing shared human experience that crosses cultures, generations, geography and every other thing that divides us. Every person is not necessarily musical but every person is impacted by music. And since the beginning of time music has been part of religious services. The Bible also reminds us that music is part of the eternal worship service happening in heaven!

The musical part of our worship service helps us focus on God, helps build our faith, helps encourage people around us, and reminds us that we’re part of a larger community than my own isolated experience. 

We have so many songs to choose from, why add new songs and songwriters?

Great question! Every song was once a new song that was written out of that time’s unique celebrations and challenges. So why not today? God is always at work in new and fresh ways so let’s write songs that help to tell that story. (By the way, God also works in faithful and consistent ways which is why we continue to sing songs from previous generations.

Another big reason is that we can’t help it! People are created in the image of a God who creates.. we carry with us this creative spirit as part of our identity. God created out of nothing but we get to take words, notes, rhythm, and patterns and create songs that have never existed before. The songwriters that I work with at Sanctus are some of the most creative people I’ve ever met who have decided to dedicate this creative work we’re doing to God.

Tell me about your own music, creativity, mindset, and your experience in creative leadership.

Both of my parents were music teachers so music has always been a significant part of my life. Piano lessons, a huge record collection, trips to the symphony with my mom and so many more examples I could tell you. When I was 12 or 13, we started to realize that there was some musical ability that could really become the focus of my life if I was passionate about it and dedicated to the craft. Music has opened so many doors in my life from friendships to education to travel and so much more.

Creativity for me is expressed in many ways. I think solving an organizational challenge requires just as much creativity as writing a song. Creativity is more a recognition of who I am (and who you are!) and less about a specific skill set or special superpowers. I believe that everyone is creative. There really is no such thing as “creative.” Look at 3-year-olds. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old who is not creative? Of course not. Over time that side of who we are transforms and we lose some of that understanding.

By the way, this doesn’t mean that every person is an artist. Creativity and artistry are not the same things. An artist is someone who has given decades of their life to mastering a particular craft that requires an incredible amount of creative skill. Everyone is creative but not everyone is an artist.

Leadership has been an interesting journey for me, mostly because for a long time I thought that artists couldn’t be leaders. Not true, of course. Over the last 10 years, I’ve learned how to take my creative experience and my leadership ability and combine those. Of course, I’m still growing with that but I think I’ve got an interesting and unique history that allows me to speak to different groups of people in different ways. Leading more creative-minded people and helping more leadership-minded people think creatively bring me so much joy!

Give me three practical pieces of advice on how to be a great husband, an amazing father, and manage finances.

Great husband – Go away with your wife without kids twice a year. It doesn’t need to be fancy, and it never has been for us! Put those dates on the calendar and commit to being together, just the two of you, for even 48 hours. It makes a huge difference.

Amazing father – My kids are 13, 11, 10, and 8 so I have zero advice to give to parents of teenagers! For those of you with younger kids, as often as possible, eat meals together at the table.

Managing finances – Other than marry an accountant?? (Love you, Sonya!) When we got married, we decided that any purchase over $50 needed permission from the other one. We’ve stuck to that rule for 15 years and it’s served us pretty well so far. 

I know you are a foodie, it is your French genes. Tell me a little bit more about this passion.

My dad was born in France and I’ve been able to visit family there several times. I’m so grateful for that! I love cooking for people but the truth is that I love the time around the table more than I love the time in the kitchen. The magic of what happens when people are sitting together with good food, good wine, and good stories is so special. I love finding great restaurants but we also love having people we love around our table enjoying a great meal together.

I’m also a huge fan of discovering restaurants that are focused on serving great food to customers they care about. I’m not huge on chain restaurants so I’ll often hunt for a great place to go with friends to enjoy a really special meal together. 

Name three restaurants to have a romantic date in Durham.

My top 3:

KB in Whitby

Marwan’s Global Bistro in Port Perry

Chuuk in Pickering 

How important are wine, French fries, and vegetables with a steak? 

I mean you can’t have steak frites without the frites! Throw some roasted Brussels sprouts or spring peas or a cucumber and tomato salad beside that steak.. heaven! Who would possibly enjoy a great steak without some great veggies on the side?

Chris, you run a farm, are a father to four kids, husband, songwriter, producer, and executive pastor. I am tired of just writing it. Give me practical advice on how do you balance this. 

It would be an insult to farmers to say that we have a farm! But, yes, we have chickens and we’re looking to have bees again this year. We love having a bit of space out of town where we can enjoy a great time together as a family.

How do you balance? I’m not sure I’ve always done that well and I’m not sure the way people think of balance is actually possible. Focus is maybe a better word. I’m pretty focused on how I want to spend my time, how I want my family to grow, what I want to learn, and what kind of home we want to have. And I’m passionate about all of those things, too! So, when I make mistakes, I hope that people recognize it’s out of passion and focus rather than not caring.

But.. practical advice. I really believe God was on to something when He asked people to rest. I believe people can be more productive in six days than they can in seven, in the long term. Since 2012 I have practiced the weekly rhythm of the sabbath where I take a full 24 hours (usually Friday evening to Saturday evening) and step away from what would work. On that day I get to do the things I don’t normally get to do in the other six days. I get to enjoy time with the people I love. I get to wander around the yard with my kids. I get to nap! And I get to enjoy the reminder that God is with me and the work that He is doing in my life and in the world is much more significant than any work I could ever do on my own.

Work from rest, don’t rest from work.

Tell me a good pastor joke. 

I don’t think its real but it always gets a good laugh!

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