Finding peace in a chaotic world of 24/7, hustle culture, always on the treadmill, political instability, and destination syndrome can be challenging.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, compassion, gentleness, humility, authenticity, and self-control are universally appreciated qualities beyond approach.

These qualities are valued because they contribute positively to interpersonal relationships and society. They foster environments where understanding, cooperation, and harmony are more likely to flourish. Cultivating these traits can lead to a more peaceful and productive coexistence, and indeed, there are no laws against such virtues because they universally promote social good. They transcend cultural and legal boundaries, highlighting a shared human aspiration towards a kinder and more compassionate society.

What is Peace

Peace is a state of harmony, calmness, and the absence of conflict—both externally in the world and internally within oneself. Finding peace in a chaotic world can mean different things in various contexts:

Personal Peace – A sense of inner tranquility, contentment, and freedom from stress or anxiety by creating boundaries.

Social Peace – The absence of conflict or violence in relationships, communities, or societies.

Global Peace – The absence of war and conflict between nations, promoting cooperation, justice, and mutual respect.

Spiritual Peace – A deep sense of fulfillment, connection, and alignment with one’s beliefs or purpose.

Finding peace in a chaotic world comes from understanding, acceptance, and the ability to navigate challenges with wisdom rather than hostility. Consider how wisdom can help us find peace in a chaotic world. I have listed a lot of soul-searching questions. If you want to find peace answer them truthfully.

Personal Peace

Personal peace is an inner state of calm, balance, and contentment, regardless of external circumstances. It means being free from excessive stress, fear, or internal conflict and feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually grounded.

Self-Acceptance – Have you accepted yourself including your strengths and flaws? Are you always comparing yourself to others? Are you always looking at social media and realizing your life does not match those of influencers? Are you leading an authentic life?

Emotional Stability – What would your friends, family, and co-workers say regarding your emotions? Are you emotionally intelligent? Is anger, bitterness, resentment, or anxiety controlling your emotions?

Mindfulness and Presence: Are you living in the moment and grateful, or are you focusing on the past and worrying about the future?

Forgiveness – Forgiveness has to be a key part of achieving peace. Letting go of grudges and resentments lightens your emotional burden.

Purpose & Meaning – Define your why. Align everything you do with your values and purpose in life.

Healthy Boundaries – Protect yourself and your mental and emotional well-being from negativity and toxic influences.

Finding peace in a chaotic world does not mean avoiding challenges but rather handling them with clarity and resilience. It’s a journey, not a destination.

Social Peace

Finding social peace in chaotic times requires continuous effort from individuals, communities, and governments. It starts with personal peace but extends to how we interact with others. I am going to focus on the effort of the individual.

Respect & Tolerance – Do you respect and tolerate those who think and act differently from you? Do you treat them with dignity? Do your social media posts reflect love, grace, and mercy?

Justice & Fairness – Do your actions reflect and ensure equality, human rights, and social justice for all? Are you honest and transparent even if it is inconvenient? Are you treating everyone equally irrespective of race, gender, religion, or social status?

Conflict Resolution – Deal with disputes through dialogue, negotiation, or mediation instead of violence. Come with an open mind. Listen to understand rather than speak. Find common ground for understanding. Define the problem, look at options, and see if a compromise is possible. The most important factor is that you have to be patient and practice empathy and self-control.

Global Peace

Global peace is a state of harmony among nations and people in which conflicts are resolved through diplomacy and cooperation rather than violence or war.

As individuals, we do have a role to play by voting. We need to protect freedom, equality, and dignity for all people and focus on respecting diverse beliefs, traditions, and ways of life.

Global peace is not just the absence of war; it is the presence of justice, opportunity, and mutual respect.

Spiritual Peace

Spiritual peace is a deep sense of inner harmony, fulfillment, and connection with something greater than oneself. It goes beyond external circumstances and is rooted in faith, purpose, and a sense of belonging in the universe.

Inner Calm & Tranquility – Are you at peace regardless of life’s challenges?  Peace does not mean the absence of struggles but having God’s presence in the midst of them. Philippians 4:6-7 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Connection with a Higher Power – Do you find strength and guidance through faith or spirituality? Shalom is more than just the absence of conflict; it represents completeness, wholeness, and harmony. The Talmud says that peace is so important that even truth can be set aside to preserve it (Yevamot 65b).

Purpose & Meaning – Do you know your role in life and feel aligned with a greater purpose? The Upanishads suggest that true peace is achieved when individuals align themselves with the universal order (Rta).

Gratitude & Contentment – Are you appreciating life and finding joy in the present moment? Gratitude transcends cultures, religions, and philosophies, making it a universal spiritual quality.

Compassion & Love – Are you embracing kindness and seeing others with understanding and empathy? Islam recognizes diversity and encourages peaceful coexistence: “O mankind, We have created you from a male and a female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another.” (Quran 49:13).

Peace is essential for a society to thrive because it fosters stability, prosperity, and overall well-being.

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Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, compassion, gentleness, humility, authenticity, and self-control are universally appreciated qualities beyond approach.

These qualities are valued because they contribute positively to interpersonal relationships and society. They foster environments where understanding, cooperation, and harmony are more likely to flourish. Cultivating these traits can lead to a more peaceful and productive coexistence, and indeed, there are no laws against such virtues because they universally promote social good. They transcend cultural and legal boundaries, highlighting a shared human aspiration towards a kinder and more compassionate society.

Over the next few weeks, I will focus on these universal qualities and see how they can empower us to be better human beings.

Quotes about Joy

Joy is not in things; it is in us. —Richard Wagner

Some give with joy, and that joy is their reward. —Khalil Gibran

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things are. —Marianne Williamson

What is Joy

It is a positive emotional state characterized by happiness, contentment, and fulfillment. It is considered one of the most profound and uplifting emotions humans can experience. It can arise from various sources such as achieving a personal goal, experiencing something beautiful or amusing, connecting deeply with others, or even internal reflections and achievements.

Unlike fleeting pleasures, joy often has a more enduring and deeply satisfying quality. It can also be contagious, enhancing the well-being of others around the joyful individual. In psychological terms, experiencing joy can have numerous benefits, including reducing stress, improving immune function, and enhancing overall life satisfaction.

Difference Between Joy and Happiness

Happiness and joy are positive emotions that contribute to our overall well-being but often differ in their sources, duration, and depth.

Happiness is generally considered a broader, more enduring state often linked to circumstances, external factors, and achieving personal or societal goals. It can result from experiencing regular positive emotions, maintaining satisfying relationships, and personal fulfillment. Happiness is often described in the context of life satisfaction, feeling good, and having one’s desires met.

Joy is usually described as a more intense, but often brief, burst of emotion prompted by an exceptionally positive event or experience.  It can be felt during moments of achievement, spiritual experiences, or while engaging in activities that deeply fulfill. It is associated with a sense of profound gratitude or connection, sometimes to a degree that transcends personal circumstances.

In essence, while happiness can be understood as a more consistent state or an overarching quality of life, joy is more about sudden, intense peaks of positive emotion. It can be a component of happiness, but it can also arise independently of one’s general state of happiness.

Why is Joy Important

Joy is a profound aspect of human experience that plays several crucial roles in our lives. It helps to counterbalance the stress and challenges of everyday life. Experiencing moments of happiness or joy can provide a necessary break from the negative emotions that can otherwise overwhelm us. It has been linked to various physical health benefits. These include reduced stress hormones, lower blood pressure, improved immune function, and potentially even longer lifespan.

Joyful states promote relaxation and can help mitigate the effects of stress on the body.  These social connections are vital for emotional support and can provide a sense of belonging and community. Joy contributes positively to mental health by enhancing resilience. It enables people to recover more quickly from setbacks and reduces the risk of conditions such as depression and anxiety.

It enriches life’s experiences, providing immediate pleasures and long-term benefits to our well-being. This makes cultivating it an important endeavor in one’s life journey.

How to use it to impact the community around you

Joy not only enhances our own lives but can also profoundly impact others and the broader community.

It is contagious. Maintaining a joyful demeanor can lift the spirits of those around you. This positive energy can increase morale and motivation, encouraging others to act kindly and compassionately.

Joyful interactions create bonds between people. Sharing your happiness encourages social connections and builds empathetic and supportive communities. These networks can become platforms for collective action on social issues.

Being joyful even in challenging times can inspire resilience in others. Your example can teach people that despite difficulties, finding moments of happiness can provide the strength needed to persevere and overcome obstacles.

Art and culture are powerful expressions of joy that can raise awareness, change perspectives, and inspire action. Through music, painting, writing, or dancing, creating art that expresses joy can touch hearts and mobilize change.

The connection between joy and spirituality

Joy and spirituality are deeply intertwined, with each element enriching the other.

Spirituality is a direct source of joy. Spiritual practices and beliefs can provide a sense of purpose, connection, and understanding that contributes to well-being and happiness. Whether meditation, prayer, rituals, or community worship, these practices can elevate one’s mood and bring about a joyful state of being.

Spirituality often offers tools and perspectives that help individuals cope with life’s challenges. Spiritual beliefs can provide comfort, hope, and stability when facing difficulties. This resilience contributes to a sustained sense of joy, even in less-than-joyful circumstances, by offering a broader perspective on life’s ups and downs.

Spirituality often encourages the pursuit of inner peace and contentment that is not dependent on external circumstances. This inner serenity is a crucial aspect of joy that is more steady and enduring than the fleeting happiness derived from material or superficial sources.

Spiritual paths often emphasize personal growth and transformation. Becoming more self-aware and developing virtues such as compassion, patience, and gratitude can lead to profound joy. This is often described as a deeper, more fulfilling type of happiness compared to more superficial pleasures.

Joy from a Biblical perspective

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New beginnings are what we need sometimes in our lives. It is time to identify your true priorities. It is time to focus on what is authentic, true, and real. A new beginning means different things to different people. For me personally, next month means moving to a new city, committing myself to love my wife and daughter unconditionally daily, focusing on spiritual discipline, writing, taking care of my emotional, mental and physical health, and making a difference in the community I live in.

It can be tough growing up when your father is someone who is rich, famous, and powerful. Sometimes the challenge can be living up to expectations. Other times the burden the last name carries. I sit down with Debbie, who I worked with to find out a little about her life.

Debbie, it is great catching up with you. What have you been up to? 

Hi Jerry, nice catching up with you as well, it’s been a while.

I have been up to quite a bit since we last saw each other. I now live near Kingston in the 1000 islands and own my own gift/clothing and art boutique.

Your dad was a famous entrepreneur in Canada. Was there any pressure growing up or following in his footsteps?

I felt no pressure to follow in my Dad’s footsteps. I had no intention of being in the same business, but that’s where I ended up in the investment business. I loved it, and stayed in the business for 25 years, it was exciting, challenging, and a lot of fun.

I have known you for two decades. How has Debbie changed over that time?

I left the business in 2016 and moved to the 1000 islands where I opened up my boutique in Kingston, so my life is completely different than where I thought I would be now. I live outside a small town in a rural area not a big city anymore. My career is still very challenging but this new venture is much more creative.

No more long commutes or living in a condo. I am now surrounded by nature.

You are a Torontonian. The real blue blood 416. Talk to me about this wonderful city?

I was definitely a true-blue blood 416 Toronto girl born and raised; I never would have imagined leaving my city. But as the city grew by leaps and bounds and I got older I wanted to live a quieter life.

I will always love the Toronto I grew up in but things change that’s part of life.

Give yourself some advice at 15 and 25?

Hmmm, advice.

At 15- I would tell myself to relax don’t worry so much You have nothing to prove to anyone except to yourself.

At 25- slow down a bit and take in the moments.

Would you prefer a sensitive male who can cook or a handyman who cannot connect with you emotionally?

Lol, I am now married 10 years (wow how time flies) he’s sensitive and definitely cooks he used to be a chef. Not bad at being handy either so I feel pretty lucky.

I am glad my dating days are over. I had a lot of fun and great meaningful relationships but when you settle down it’s easier to focus on other areas of your life for me it is anyway.

How is the dating life in Toronto?

Toronto is a great city for restaurants, shopping, art, and live entertainment. It is definitely a great place to be young and dating.

I want to know something challenging you have been through. How did you deal with it?

The sudden death of my mother and a few short years later the sudden death of my father. Those experiences changed me forever, as it does for most people. I researched and even wrote a small book on grief to help myself get thru the loss in as healthy a way as possible.

Going through that is what led me to this different life today. I needed new challenges and needed to connect with nature, art, and simpler things.

What does women empowerment mean to you? Is it a buzz word or are things moving in the right direction?

I think women have been empowered for a long time, certainly where I grew up. I could do and be anything I set my mind to. I have never felt held back at any time, there can be difficult people at times who try to hold you back but that will always be the case just move on.

Hopefully, all women in the world will feel this freedom to live the life of their choosing one day.

Finally, I want to know some of your favorite stuff?

Favorite City: Banff

Favorite Book: Kite Runner

Favorite Actor: Robin Williams

Brad Pitt or Leonardo de Caprio: Sam Elliot please lol

Favorite Meal: Spaghetti

Favorite Wine: Chianti

The idea of a romantic date: Country house, dinner, and wine by the fire, the storm outside

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Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

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Do you feel you have to be perfect? Perfect on the job,  perfect with friends, perfect with family, and perfect in general.  Are you on the treadmill of life, trying to be perfect? If you are in performance mode, then you need to stop trying to be perfect. You need to get off the treadmill. Take some time off. Smell the roses. Go for a vacation. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Meditate, pray, or change your routine. You are hurting yourself by chasing perfection, having unrealistic expectations, and being in performance mode.

You need to love yourself more. You need to accept yourself. You also need to forgive and practice gratitude. Let go of trying to be perfect.

Forget social media, forget comparing yourself to someone else, and forget living in someone else’s shadow. Be real, vulnerable, and lead an authentic life. A life that is aligned with your goals and values. Perfection, unrealistic expectations, not dealing with issues, and not taking responsibility are all toxins destroying your life.

I respect Selena. She has figured out a lot of stuff at an early age. She blogs about women’s empowerment but also lives it daily. We talk about women’s empowerment, careers, and of course, dating.

Hi Selena, welcome, and tell me something about you?

Hi, thanks for having me! I am a 24-year-old marketing manager at a small marketing firm currently, but my goal is to make empowering women my full-time career, whether that is through life coaching or through my motivational blog that I started a little over a year ago. Writing is my passion, along with helping women realize their full potential and I seek to do that not only in my professional endeavors but in my personal relationships as well.

Talk to me about your job in marketing? What do you like about marketing?

My company markets mainly for technology staffing firms. In my role, I write industry-related blogs, both for clients and for us, I curate and design their social media content, and also write and design their websites. I love the creative aspect of marketing, and it is a field in which things are always changing, so it never gets boring! There is always so much to learn. Marketing also has allowed me to expand my writing abilities as I have had to learn to adapt to writing for various brands and therefore various tones, industries, and topics.

Help me understand how dating has changed for you in the 21st century? I like the fact that you talk about taking responsibility for it?

I think the inception of social media played a significant role in shifting how people date today. We are constantly flooded with options on various dating apps, and consume massive amounts of content on social media sites daily. Instant gratification has become the expectation, and men especially use these dating apps to their advantage as they rack up their roster so they always have someone on standby.

However, on the other hand, we as women tend to enable this behavior because it seems that this is how the majority of men behave (even if this isn’t necessarily the case), so we’ve gotten used to getting ghosted, getting played, etc. We, as women, need to take control of the narrative and not stand for behavior that doesn’t align with our values and how we want to be treated. This also isn’t to say that all men are bad and all women are good, but in my experience, women tend to be more vocal about their distaste for dating these days.

I get so caught up in planning that I forget to be in the present. As I focus on being in the present moment my life has changed…pls. comment?

I think many of us are always looking ahead to what’s coming next that it is very rare we stop and look around at what we have in the present moment. I think this takes practice to slow yourself down and be appreciative of how far you’ve come up to this point and realize that if you don’t enjoy the present, you’ll miss your whole life. I’m still working on this myself, but it is not surprising to me that your life has changed after being able to do this. As humans, I think we are always striving for more – with parental, societal, professional, and peer pressures, we feel as though we always have to be on the go, working our butts off to get to the next milestone in our lives. But, as I said, we’ll miss out if we’re always focusing on what’s coming next.

I have been mentoring people since grade 8 when I became a prefect. Over the years I have been a big brother and mentored many men in the corporate world. I talk to them about getting to know themselves and where their identity comes from and being authentic. Walk me through your own process?

That’s amazing! It takes a special kind of person to want to help others, so I applaud you for choosing to mentor. I personally have never technically mentored anyone, but I really want to get into that space. I am the friend that many of my friends come to for advice or just to vent, and there is nothing more rewarding for me than to help them through their struggles, and remind them how loved they are. I try to do the same in my blog and offer advice on various topics from how to stop being a people pleaser to how to get over the guy you never technically dated. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles and that there are resources that are available to help them heal from past traumas, and figure out who they are and who they want to become. I try to offer a safe space to do that for anyone who needs an ear to listen.

Help me understand what women empowerment means to you?

Women empowerment means helping women realize and unlock their full potential. It means saying, screw what society wants us to be, what do we want to be? It means spreading positivity, lifting each other up, and fighting for our rights. It means cultivating meaningful communities and helping each other live our most authentic, unapologetic lives.

On a personal note, one of the areas I have grown the most is being aware of my own mental health but also those around me. I have been in sales all my life and outgoing so I can overlook that. Why is mental health so important to the present generation?

Luckily for Gen-Z, I believe mental health is being discussed so much more, and the stigmas that were placed on going to therapy or seeking help are ending. This generation is so much more emotionally aware, and especially with social media, mental health is more important than ever. Kids are on these social media sites and are fed content of celebrities and peer’s lives that isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a kid in this day in age.

I think it is so important for parents, teachers, and even peers to talk about mental health and encourage open and honest conversations. Ask how your friends are doing! Encourage therapy! We all need to look out for one another.

Women are outperforming men all across universities in North America. I have worked in some of the best restaurants and so often on Thursdays and Fridays saw only women coming. They always say the same thing, young men are living in their parents’ basement playing video games and do not know how to go on a date or carry on a conversation. Is that true? What can be done about it?

I can only speak from my personal experience as well as what I’ve heard from my friends, and although there are many complaints that can be made about men, I have not experienced this. I have gone on many dates and although they may not be the right match for me, I’ve had a nice time 90% of the time and have always been able to have good conversations with them.

The ones I have dated have also all had jobs, but there are certainly men out there who do just stay living at home and maybe lack the drive needed to begin or advance their careers. I think the key here is just to remember that this is not all men, and we just need to keep looking for the ones who best fit our lifestyle and what we’re looking for – because hey, maybe some women like a guy who lives at home and plays video games!

I want to know something special about the city you live in? What is the food scene and why should we visit?

I live in Boston, MA – known for our sports teams for sure! As a foodie myself, there are some great spots in Boston. Depending on your taste, the North End is a must for Italian food. Especially the famous Mike’s Pastry for dessert! Boston is filled with a range of cuisine, so it’s sure to please any pallet.

Do you feel the pressure to always be perfect? Are the media and magazines putting that pressure on you?

I think as women, we always feel pressure to be perfect to some degree. It’s difficult to not compare yourself to the models on Instagram (even though they’re most likely photoshopped anyway), celebrities, or even just our peers. It has become ingrained in us that we need to look “pretty” to society’s standards, or we are somehow “less than”. But, I believe that as a society we are working to combat this narrative and encourage body diversity.

Besides physically, I think we as women feel the pressure to have everything together all the time. Our job, social life, family time, sleep, exercise schedule, nutrition, etc. have to all be on point 24/7. It’s exhausting! I think we need to take the pressure off ourselves and just start doing what makes us feel good and what works for us. Easier said than done, but hopefully, a goal that can be reached at some point.

I want to know how writing has helped you? I find it cathartic.

Writing has always been my form of therapy. Ever since I was little I would write fictional stories and poetry, and as I got older it turned into my travel blog when I studied abroad, and now my women’s empowerment blog. It has allowed me to express myself in a way that I haven’t been able to otherwise. It has also allowed me to form new connections and help people with topics that no one really wants to talk about. Writing will always be my number one passion, and I don’t see a day where I will ever stop, as it is what makes me who I am.

The post Selena Frongillo: The Pressure To Be Perfect appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I have a deep respect and admiration for a minister (evangelist, pastor, cleric, chaplain, missionary, priest, rector, preacher, Reverand). The job of a minister is tough and demanding. It can be satisfying from an intrinsic perspective. However, there are metrics to deal with. The modern-day minister has to be a CEO, CFO, COO, orator, shepherd, counselor all in one. The spotlight is always on the minister and their families. The profession is fraught with risks, temptations, challenges, difficulties, and burnout. How do you measure the transformation of the heart, the alteration of lives, and ministry effectiveness? The exercise of faith, hope, love, forgiveness, and having a healthy congregation is hard to compute. However, it is these very concepts that the minister is trying to move forward in the congregation.

I have had the privilege to interview David Adams, Senior Pastor at Stone Ridge fellowship on moving from success to significance, Joanna Lafleur from the TV show See Hear Love on communication, Jonathan Manafo from The Village Whitby on Christmas, Pastor Beth on prayer, Mark Strickland minister from the People Church on dating, Lorie Hartshorn from 700 Club Canada on faith, Chris Vacher minister on creative leadership and Gillianne Brisboise from the Church of Christ on love in action.

I am excited to interview Kevin Robbins, a senior minister from Milestone Ministries. I met Kevin more than 25 years ago when his father-in-law used to mentor me. I have always found Kevin to be a down-to-earth, humble, a great listener, and a man who loves his wife, daughters, and mother-in-law. Kevin does not let the past define him. He is focused on the future, making it a better place, creating value for other humans, and making a difference.  I had not seen him for more than a decade and then ran into him at a party. We talked in detail about getting help in different areas of life. Kevin is introspective and is always looking at how he can get better. I admire how he has pivoted his organization through the challenges of COVID-19.

Kevin is real and vulnerable in this interview. As a minister, a father, and a husband he has come out on the other side thriving. I am super encouraged by this interview and I hope you read it a couple of times and apply the golden nuggets to your life.

Kevin, an honor to have you on Four Columns. I want my audience to know a little about you?

Everyone has a launchpad in life that shapes who they are. Mine was growing up in rural northern Canada. We were a family of six that subsisted well below the poverty line. Living in a small log cabin with no water and electricity and my family was burdened by many internal and external stressors that included chronic unemployment, social marginalization, domestic disputes, alcoholism, and significant mental health issues.

This foundational stage of my life created a desire to find meaning and value for the remainder of my days and I’m blessed to be on a journey with the love of my life Lisa. We have two married daughters that have launched vibrant careers. I have become a church-planter and church-builder over the last 30 years, have lived in Los Angeles, Vancouver, Halifax, and Toronto received a Masters’s degree, become an author and motivational speaker that focuses on the best life everyone should be living.

You have been a minister for three decades. It is a tough, grueling job. What drew you to become a minister and what is your why?

Most people in church ministry will tell you that they felt “a calling” to the job and I suppose I am no different. But since that phrase is somewhat cliche, my specific answer would be to give. Early in my life, I decided the life that makes the most sense for me was to create value for others.

You have been married for three decades. I want to know the practical secrets of having a strong and vibrant marriage like yours?

Lisa and I love being married, in fact, other than our faith and the kids that came as a result of our marriage, love and our marriage is our most favorite thing in life!

In my opinion, having a strong and vibrant marriage is not hard at all. The secret is the priority. None of us need to be lectured about priorities, we all have a couple of things in life that are the most important to us proven by the amount of time, thought and effort we put into them. The hardest part of marriage is deciding if it will rank as your highest priority…if you are willing to prioritize, your commitment to each other gets a lot easier.

Before the pandemic of 2020, Lisa and I traveled and gave keynote lessons at marriage conferences around North America. When the world shut down, on the suggestion of some close friends we launched weekly episodes on YouTube called Marriage Monday. We were amazed at the hundreds and sometimes thousands of couples that joined the live stream and still do each week.

During the height of the lockdown, we wrote a book called Stay Home Marriage, How to Stay In Love Before, During and After a Global Pandemic. We kept the book short and fun, and it was a rewarding experience. We especially have enjoyed seeing how it has connected and resonated with couples around the world. The premise of the book is based on the simple idea that life, health, career, and legacy are enhanced when you make your marriage a priority. You can find out more about it and link to our videos at wildmarriage.com.

What are some of the secrets of living with three women? I live with two and sometimes or many times I have to keep my sarcastic humor to myself?

I’ve heard the urban legend that boys are easier to raise than girls because girls are too complex when they become teens. I don’t believe it, I’ve always thought “God knew what he was doing when he gave me daughters, not sons.”  For me, boys are just too loud, smelly, and end up breaking most of your most expensive stuff!

Seriously, there’s no doubt that eventually, the male and female worldviews come into conflict with one another when you live under one roof. If a man’s brain is a waffle and a woman’s brain is spaghetti (or whatever metaphor is most trendy right now) there are going to be a lot of opportunities for bumps within our interactions. Patience and communication are the lynchpins to keep everyone connected.

Lisa serves as an interpreter in our family, and she educates me as to why my very logical statements (IMO) don’t make sense to the girls, why my sarcasm isn’t actually funny but caustic to the women in the house, or why whenever I’m asked what I am feeling and I say, “I dunno, nothin’”, that is inconceivable to the women of my family!  I know my wife works equally hard explaining the intricacies of the male brain to my daughters because I often see them huddle to decipher and debrief after one of my family-famous pontifications about the way the world should be.

Fatherhood changed me forever. What did you learn from fatherhood?

I appreciate my father. I think about him often. He had a very difficult life. He suffered from severe mental health issues and when I was 13 years old, he died of suicide.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from fatherhood is that negative cycles can be broken. In fact, for the sake of my children, negative cycles must be broken. I have no patience for self-pity that manifests itself in fatherhood that pulls back from the spouse and kids only to get lost in the perpetual adolescence of work, sports, or hobbies that ultimately exclude family. To me, there are only two things more important than my children, my faith and their mother. Everything else, albeit fun, is way down the list of important.

Talk to me about how we can become better fathers, husbands, brothers, and just ethical men in our culture?

It’s my observation that every father, husband, and brother will eventually reach a crossroad moment to take a stand on principle or collapse into a character deficit. This becomes not only a defining moment personally, but it shapes your legacy impact on all who are connected to you. I think being a principled person is how to become “better”.

Most claim to have bed-rock principles, but few live it out. It is ironic that adults usually think the height of peer pressure happened in their teen years, but we all know it’s alive and thriving now…among C-suite corporates, marketing, sales, laborer’s and even in those of the church-attending crowd.  Worry about status, standing, and what others think and say about us will eventually gut our ethics and we soon find we’re moving the goalposts of what is and is not integrity.

Admittedly, taking a stand on principle can lead to a lonely place. It may result in devastating disappointment when even those you have considered allies and friends turn from you or worse, on you. I’ve seen many men decide it’s too much of a price to pay, but if you’re asking how you as a solitary participant in this life can exact ethical change, this is how you do it; demand integrity over the illusion of popularity.

I have a sticky note at my desk that I read often, “One of the truest test of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.” – Chinua Achebe

Faith is very important to you. Talk to me about the practical aspects of your faith. How can we use unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness in this world that is hurting?

Yes, faith is very important to me. I consider it first among my top three priorities of life. I’ve devoted my life in pursuit of understanding who God is and equally complex, who I am supposed to be (still working on that concept!). It has not always made for an easy journey, but faith continues to be my most treasured possession.

You mentioned love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness, I call these the Big 7. As humans, we are undeniably drawn to this list and we search for a safe place where we will be treated with such generosity. But offering the Big 7 consistently to others around us is usually quite difficult.

The word gospel in Greek is euangelion and it means simply “good news”. I believe this good news is summed up in the Big 7. At any given time there seems to be so much in this world that is out of control or getting worse, we can barely understand it all and we certainly can’t control it all, but at the very least, we can choose to drop in any of the Big 7 and good news makes an impact to any hurting place in this world.

I hear of some of my contemporary ministers deriding society, crying for the morality of days gone by and adding to theories that lend themselves to conspiracy. I don’t see it the same way. It is a historical fact that the euangelion always endures in every changing season. If things get dark, the good news will be light. When life becomes sorrowful, the good news will offer joy. When regret rules the day, the good news gives a new start.

The good news of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness always win the day. It may take a while…but always wins. The only question is, will I give the Big 7 away to others?

Walk me through a typical day as a minister and what are the modern challenges that a minister faces today?

The typical day of a minister is atypical. My congregation has over a thousand active members, so it is not unusual for my day to begin with concise plans and appointments that suffer a slow death by way of interruption. I don’t say that with any resentment, it is just that anyone who wants to operate successfully in the business of people needs patience and a desire to bring value to others often over structured goals.

That said, a typical day usually begins early with reading, study, and prayer followed by connecting with those in the community who are in need. The business hours of the day often hold preparation for sermon series, lessons, and teaching classes, training interns, and mentoring younger ministers and staff. There is an administration team to attend to, worship teams, digital teams, and social media teams. The later part of the day usually allows the opportunity to meet with those requesting life direction and counseling. Of course, there is always the rhythm of church meetings like Sunday services, midweek meetings, weekly small group gatherings, board of directors meetings, elders and deacon meetings and the list goes on. Most days are physically and emotionally taxing, but I enjoy them. I have a dear uncle who every time he sees me is compelled to tell the same tongue-in-cheek joke, “Ministers have the best job in the world because they only work one hour a week on Sunday morning.” I politely laugh each time he says it, but I can assure you, it’s far from an accurate characterization.

In 2020 churches, like every other organization, have leaped into the digital world. Because of COVID-19, there was no “learning curve”, it was more like a “learning rock wall” …straight up and a lot of bruises when you fall! Most ministers I know are exhausted after more than a year trying to find, listen, help, encourage, laugh and cry with their members. Measurements for success in a church are arbitrary metrics, at least difficult to define on an excel spreadsheet.

No one knows for sure what “church” will look like on the other side of the pandemic, but I’m certain it will be different. Between you and me, I think that’s kind of exciting and I look forward to it!

Let’s talk food. What are some of your favorite haunts in Toronto?

I live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world and it offers a gastronomic celebration everyday…if you’re adventurous enough! Honestly, because I live in Toronto it feels like my favorite restaurant haunt changes weekly, but right now it is Drupatis, offering West Indian fare and my personal favorites are called Doubles, small pastry pockets filled with a chickpea filling. Way better than it sounds. You gotta try it!

2020 was a brutal year for me. There are many who are reading this who are hurting. As a minister talk to me about hope, persevering, overcoming evil with good, and staying focused?

There is no denying that 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have been difficult for everyone. The truth is, we don’t even know the entire story yet. I’m sure over the next decade researchers will give us statistics that reveal the massive challenges we all endured in the economy, education, politics, mental health, marriage, parenting, and our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Not to mention that we are literally living out an experiment in real-time regarding the impact of social media and screen-time usage. We are present-day over-comers if we know it or not.

This last year forced Lisa and me to deeply examine how we evaluate the world around us. It was getting too easy to become discouraged, despondent, cynical, and hopeless. So, we asked ourselves why and then we wrote the first chapter of our book and gave it the title “Porch Pirates and Other Thieves”. In short, it is an exploration of the importance of radical optimism and refusing to let life’s outward circumstances steal from the life you can be living.

Among the most encouraging ideas is that you play a role in changing the way you think, in fact, you must. It’s not just embracing a disconnected pollyanna view of your life or white-knuckling your way through the difficult times, but it is literally rewiring your brain through neuroplasticity.  Every single thought, whether positive or negative makes a lasting connection, so why not make the thoughts good?

As a minister I love the way our society’s ground-breaking brain research is matching some ancient Biblical advice, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

Whatever you do, never forget there’s a lot of good around you. Think about it.

The post Kevin Robbins: Minister Focusing on Radical Optimism appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank.  Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses,  our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be.  This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment.   The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries.  Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker.  My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ.  With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?  

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes,  the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature.  Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear.  How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be.  How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience.  Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings.  The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?    

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices.  Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?    

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success.  Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us.  As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Everything happens for a reason

I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.

My prayers have been answered.

It was the summer of 98. I was madly in love with three girls (so I thought).

In other words, one was in Paris. The other two were in Montreal and Calgary.

As a result, I had flown to Paris for two weeks to see where I stood. I made two trips to Montreal. The girl in Calgary I had loved for more than a decade.

The much-dreaded letter came from Paris. All written in French. She was not sure where she stood. Strike one. Two more to go. The response from Montreal was she was not sure. Strike two.

In conclusion, the Calgary one was it. I mean she was half-Indian. In addition, the other half was the bohemian Hungarian. We would be a couple. She came to Toronto for Christmas. We spent some time. I met her family. I finally told her. She knew I had loved her for nearly a decade. She dated two friends of mine. She left for Calgary with the intention of packing up and moving back to Toronto.

About two days later, I got a call at midnight. She had spoken to a friend who was a friend of an old ex and did not think it was a good idea.

Dead in the water. Back to square one.  Almighty, so you are trying to teach me something. Half of my life I have spent in the oven. Come on… I need a break.

Lo and behold, I meet Debbie in 99. We were friends. I teased her a lot. Even I tried to set her up with someone.

Someone asked me if I would be open to her.

I mean I am brown. She is white. Boring white. Throw some Latina names around. Give me someone who I can romance. It is supposed to be like in the movies.

Jerry. You do not get it. The girl is right under you. All your life you are chasing trophy women.

OK, OK, OK, OK. One date. One date and that is it. I will try one date and get it done with it. That first date happened in Jan 2000.

A quick Swiss Chalet lunch. In addition, it will all be over. I even wanted to cancel it. One of her friends said she was looking forward to it.

On a cold January Sunday. We went to the Swiss Chalet on Finch, opposite the Humbold Centre. I made some small talk. Cracked some dumb jokes. I dropped her home.

Her friend called and said how it went. Whatever, no feelings on my side. By the way, do you know any Latina girls? Jerry, she loved the date. She loved how you opened the doors for her. She loved how you paid attention to her.

My jaws dropped. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just chasing the wrong women. Our next date was for Valentine’s Day. A little risky move. Let me take a nice Hamilton girl to a Pakistani restaurant. A small dinghy greasy place. Surely, she will know. Who takes someone for Valentine’s Day to a greasy Pakistani restaurant? Me of course. I am trying to send the message…not interested.

It was one of the best dates. We laughed. She just loved the food.

Debbie worked opposite me at a law firm. We got along. She laughed at my dumb jokes. She appreciated me. All my pedigree meant nothing to her. She just cared for me. She just put up with my private school, only kid, arrogant attitude.

We were opposites in everything. Opposites do attract.

One date led to another and in the summer of 2000, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Therefore, sparks need to happen. Heaven needs to separate. I was giving myself 6 months. The more I spent time with her; the more I realized this woman loved me unconditionally. In addition, there were no pretensions around her.

I called her on Christmas day. Her sister Dawn answered. This is Jerry on the other side. Your brother in law. Well, Dawn, Debbie is it. I just need to ask your dad’s permission.

In February of 2001, I took her parents to see the Wedding Planner. We had a good time. I called Doug later that week and asked him if I could marry his daughter.

Plans were to get a ring and do something extraordinary.

On the last Saturday of March, we drove to the Prince of Wales restaurant in Niagara on the Lake. After lunch, we went on a tour of Niagara in a helicopter. The pilot was told to just shut up and just let us talk. Thousands of feet above the falls, I posed the question. She said yes.

We came back to Toronto. Both of our families and her friends were waiting for dinner.

In September of 2001, we got married. We went to Portugal, Spain, and Morocco for our honeymoon.

Debbie has taught me gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. She has taught me to see the pleasure in simple things. She has made me humble, gentle, patient, and not let the small things bother me.

Jean our 22 year old daughter makes us a complete family.

I look forward to being married for the next 100 years.

The post Everything Happens For a Reason appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.