Living a life beyond fears is a powerful and transformative journey that involves both self-reflection and intentional action.

It is critical to identify and acknowledge the specific fears that hold you back.  Explore the origins of your fears and understand how they may be rooted in past experiences or limiting beliefs. Embrace the reality of your fears without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means acknowledging your feelings without letting them control you. Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that contribute to your fears. Develop and repeat positive statements that counteract your fears.

Take small, incremental steps to confront your fears rather than trying to overcome them all at once.  Enlist the help of friends, family, or a therapist to provide encouragement and guidance as you face your fears. Instead of viewing failures as roadblocks, see them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Remember that overcoming fear is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to seek professional help if needed. A therapist or counselor can offer guidance and support as you work towards living a life beyond fear.

Cindy Moore is a unique blogger and has a unique take on life. She focuses on living life beyond fears, limitations, and her comfort zone and embraces a sense of wonderment and adventure. She recently started a healing journey. She changed her diet and has become healthy. Cindy shares some amazing experiences and her path to living a fulfilled life.

Cindy, help me understand what it means when you say you are a woman on a journey and living life beyond fears?

I spent most of my life living in fear, playing it safe, and staying well within my comfort zone. Two deaths, close together, helped me to realize that I no longer wanted to spend another moment of my life living in fear and playing it safe. My journey began as an inner one with facing my fears. My decision to move beyond my comfort zone launched a year of trying a new experience every day. My blogging journey began simultaneously as a way to chronicle those new experiences.

You talk a lot about enchantment, surrender, and inspiration. Break it down for me?

After moving beyond my comfort zone, by trying new experiences, my whole life opened up. I recognized that life is meant to be experienced as a magical or enchanted journey and that the Divine offers help and guidance for that journey. I see life differently than I used to and I see signs and wonders everywhere that delight me and encourage me to keep going. Every day I have ongoing conversations with the Divine that lead me to new people, opportunities, and yes, experiences. Surrender involves letting go of the familiar and allowing myself to be carried, in the “Flow of Life”, to those new people, opportunities, and experiences. It involves trust and builds a sense of adventure. I know I’ve moved out of the flow of life when I feel resistance to an opportunity or experience.

Please explain what it means to live beyond fears, limitations, and comfort zone?

Living Beyond, for me, means to move past those fears, limitations, and comfort zones by trusting that the journey meant for me is for my greatest and highest good and also for the good of others in my life. Fear shuts me down and stops me from moving forward. Living Beyond opens me up to possibilities and expands my thinking and perspective so that I can see life in a bigger way. As fresh opportunities arrive, I say “yes”, which moves me beyond my comfort zone as I try new things. Limitations are old ways of thinking and doing things. Going Beyond means I’m willing to open to new ways of thinking and doing things. Comfort zones keep us safe and also keep us from trying something that feels scary or uncomfortable. I believe in living beyond fears.

Give me some examples of embracing a sense of wonderment and adventure?

Embracing wonderment and adventure means living with a higher awareness of all that is going on in my life and seeing the connectedness of all things. Two years ago, I played a game that I created, in which I wrote 30 different activities on slips of paper and dropped them into a jar. Each day I drew out an activity and did it. What I quickly realized was that the activities, drawn at random, perfectly matched the amount of time I had each day or, amazingly, the weather. I only had two rainy day activities in the jar. I drew both of them on the only two rainy days I had during the month. What are the odds of that? That’s wonderment and that’s trust. It’s also the Divine at work in my life. When I asked the Divine, in amazement, “Do you want to play with me?”, the answer I received back was “Do you want to play with ME?” My answer was YES and my life hasn’t been the same since.

What is the main reason for your blog and what are you trying to achieve?

The purpose of Cindy Goes Beyond is to help readers realize that life can be lived at the edges…of comfort zones, limitations and fears. We can live BIG lives and experience joy, wonderment, and enchantment if we develop higher awareness. I share posts around nature, gardening, travel, and the inner journey…all with the intention of helping others to see what an enchanted life looks like.

Talk to me about some challenges you have been through and how you dealt with it and are thriving?

I grew up very fearful of many things. However, my primary fear was to live as the person I was created to be. I am an intuitive and yet I feared my abilities and tried to separate that “weird” part of me from my “normal” self. That didn’t work. It only shut down my creative side. Moving past my fears and accepting myself exactly as I am opened the door to my creative side again. And I moved beyond my fears by facing them and sitting with them and exploring my intuitive side. As I learned more about who I am and what I can do, the fears subsided.

Give yourself some advice when you were 16, 26, and 36?

Age 16: Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Spend your teen years getting to know yourself. And don’t be so concerned about what other people think. Be you, without hiding, without pretending to be someone else, just so people will feel comfortable around you. You are afraid because you don’t understand who you are.

Age 26: Enjoy these years with your young family. Encourage your son and daughters to be fully who they are, by showing them who you are. They will follow your example. Continue to invest in yourself by doing the things that bring you joy.

Age 36: This is your time to shine, as a woman. Banish any lingering fears and self-doubts and pursue the life you want. Know fully what your purpose in life is and don’t let anything get in your way as you live from that place of intentional being.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Empowerment for women starts with complete acceptance of who we are. It’s an inner journey that manifests as an outer journey. We must learn to parent ourselves, if we had bad parents, and love ourselves deeply and fully if our spouses/lovers have not done that for us. We cannot look to others to do these things for us. We set ourselves free, and the people in our lives free, when we do not need acceptance and love to come from outside ourselves. Once we are free, we can help to free others to live extraordinary lives.

Give my female audience three pieces of advice?

Accept yourself completely. The journey to self-love begins with self-acceptance. Love yourself fully by embracing who you are and then really live from that space. Be you…and find the things that you enjoy doing. That is your passion.

Pursue your passion. Share your passion with others as you journey and you will make a difference in the lives of others.

How important are food, faith, finance, and family to you? How do you find a balance and prioritize among them?

They are all connected. The food we eat provides the building blocks for our bodies. The foods we choose can nourish and heal…or they can slowly poison us to death by fostering disease. I embraced a plant-based lifestyle three years ago, to heal my body of various ailments. There is no turning back for me. I am healthier than I have ever been and living life beyond fears has helped.

A second blog, Journey With Healthy Me was born from that decision to take charge of my health and help others do the same. I’ve discovered that as I healed, my desire increased to help others heal, and then even further out, I developed a deep desire to heal the planet as well. Faith is extremely important to me. I believe God, or the Divine, guides me daily. I listen through prayer and meditation but I also receive through songs, random conversations, signs, and intuition. Finances, or money, comes as we connect with who we are and do that which we are created to do. My family is my legacy. My children and grandchildren learn by my example and through our conversations. It is important for me to live a joy-filled, enchanted life so that they have “permission” to do the same.

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Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

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Stuck means you are in a situation that is unfortunate that you cannot get out of. Unstuck is the process and framework of getting out of that unfortunate situation.

The synonyms for stuck include: frozen, jammed, lodged, set, tight, wedged, and snug. There are certain words attached to stuck: bonded, cemented, glued, embedded, entrenched, immovable, and unyielding. You see where I am going.

It is a new year. We do not have to be stuck to old ideas, concepts, ways of doing things, and mindsets. These are literally harming you.

Getting unstuck is the answer. Become intentional and find ways and solutions to barriers that are holding you back.

I talk to Cheryl Patterson who holds a B.A. in Psychology from the University of Waterloo, in addition to an applied background in both counseling and business.

Her passion to help others led her from the daunting anticipation of doing it from a desk to being able to have more freedom and more of an impact as a freelance writer and magazine columnist for more than twenty years. She has inspired thousands of people with her health and well-being articles and columns in national and international magazines and continues to do so in her own publication.

Cheryl also continues to inspire people internationally with her podcast and book.

Cheryl shares her most vulnerable feelings and experiences in this interview.

Cheryl, welcome to FourColumns. I find writing cathartic. What drew you to writing?

Writing has always been a passion for me, originally as a way to express myself as a child, and later to also teach what I learn. I used to carry a book around with me in my 20’s to jot down ideas as I thought of them. I think one of my first ideas that randomly came to mind was about the stepping stones of life, and how our experiences were a step leading us to the next one.

I’ve also always wanted to help people. At first, I thought I wanted to do it through counseling, and got my B.A. in Psychology and counseling diploma. However, I realized that I could have just as much (if not more) impact through writing.

We all get stuck in life. Marriage with no romance or life, dead-end job, cynical family, toxic friends, and emotionally burned. How does your podcast deal with and talk about these issues?

The podcast, Unstuck: Stay Busy or Get Real, deals with all of these issues because they all come from core areas that we can pay attention to and begin to modify in simple ways in order to progress forward.

For instance, our self-worth can impact all of these areas we can get stuck in. If you’re struggling with low self-worth, how do you attract people in your life that will treat you like you deserve to be treated, or strive for the job you really want?

Once you realize some of the areas keeping you stuck, you can begin to make changes to improve them. The podcast provides insight into areas that can impact your personal or professional success and provides suggestions for actions that can help you get unstuck and move forward. This can be general life challenges, or ones that seem to come out of know where, or even periodically, like the holidays – a difficult time for a lot of people.

Do not get me started about the holidays. We create the perfect cards, the perfect ads on TV, the perfect romance, the perfect snowfall. Talk about this pressure and how to deal with it?

Like most stressful experiences, once you realize it’s taking its toll, then you can begin tweaking things to create improvements for the better.

Sometimes we do these holiday things in the guise of happiness, but if it’s not making you happy, take some time to think about why. Make a list of what’s making you happy, and what’s not. Share some of the responsibilities that someone else might not mind doing so that you can do more of what you enjoy. Pay attention to your wants and needs and make sure there’s a balance between this and what you do for others, and focus more on meaning and fulfillment rather than perfection.

For those who are alone or struggling because of loss around this time of year, creating change is your friend. Doing the same things will get you the same results, and feelings… Plan ahead for a different experience. Create new routines and traditions in support of feeling better. For instance, instead of mourning someone, honor them instead. Bake or cook something they used to (or used to like) as a special gesture to them. The ideas are endless. Just make it special and positive to create a new experience moving forward. I’ve been here and this is what helped me.

As I get older, my friends, career, family, and direction are all aligned with my goals and value. I also had to dig deep and see where I get my identity from. I was stuck in certain areas of how I thought. If we do not deal with it we get worried, stressed, ashamed, and feel unwanted. You deal with these issues in the book. Walk me through it?

Put simply, to be happy in life, in any area, we have to be real with ourselves, regarding what needs are being met from all of these areas you mentioned (relationships, career, goals, etc.), and which ones aren’t, and this comes from within.

It can be easy to blame the outside world regarding why things aren’t working, but this just keeps us stuck. It’s important to pay attention to things like how you’re feeling, what’s nagging at you, possible triggers, and possible things about yourself that may be holding you back.

Any struggle you experience is tied to your emotions (your subconscious), which inhibits your progress. We want to stay safe, even without realizing it, and even if it means we’re in pain or struggle because it’s what’s familiar and easy. To get unstuck, and get to where you want to go or to be the person you desire to be, means you have to be honest with yourself.

Do you have hidden shame, feel poorly about yourself (in spite of the brave front you present to the world), engage in the same scenarios over and over? This is all potential learning, letting you know that you have an opportunity for growth that can get you closer to your ideal self and experiences.

The more we learn about ourselves, our struggles and patterns, and why they’re there, the more we can live more in alignment with a happier and more fulfilling life. It opens us up to healthier relationships, achieves our goals, and makes living a more fulfilled life attainable.

The alternative is to keep things the same – to stay in emotional turmoil (i.e. shame, guilt, fear, worry, doubt, feeling poorly about yourself, etc.) – which will result in the same chaotic outcomes, and lead to poor health. You can’t be stressed and healthy simultaneously because your immune system is suppressed and your body is fighting a toxic chemical cocktail in this state.

My book, The Little Black Book For Getting Unstuck, provides some quick, simple, and straightforward ways that you can get unstuck, and live more in alignment with your ideal self and life. And I don’t just tell, I put myself out there too, and get vulnerable, and share some of my own obstacles that I’ve had to overcome in my life since childhood. Not pretty, but necessary.

Many of my readers are stuck. Give them hope for 2022?

I came from an unstable family, with parents that had no idea about how to deal with conflict, other than alcohol, violence, chaos, and breakups. Most of my childhood was spent in and out of foster care. Fortunately, I was one of the fortunate ones because of some of the people I met that helped me feel loved and worthy enough to require more from myself than to become the negative things I saw.

Thankfully, I’ve also always had a mind of my own, and although my past created many obstacles for me to overcome, such as low self-worth (something that took me a lifetime to realize was even an issue), shame, fear, doubt, I pushed through. If I ran into situations I wanted to overcome, I learned about how to improve them, and I still do. I’ve been passionate about putting every lesson, tool, story, or experience into practice to become the person I want to be, living the life I want to live. It hasn’t always been easy for me, but perseverance and learning have been everything. Learning really has been powerful for me because it enables growth and success.

If I could give you one tip for 2022, it would be to carve out 10-15 minutes a day to learn something that will improve your situation. The most impactful learning will be about yourself, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as learning about a few practices you can add to your day to help you stay accountable for whatever goal you’re striving for, or to help you maintain self-confidence in an area you’re struggling with or ways to feel better. Think about an area that you’re struggling with and start from there. And never give up.

I have a morning ritual that starts with things that keep me feeling peaceful and happy (an open vs. closed state for achieving daily tasks/goals), even on those days, it feels challenging. Meditation, journaling (including gratitude), and learning are three staples that are as important as brushing my teeth. Think about a little ritual you can create for yourself to set the pace for your day, inspire and keep you feeling balanced, and act as a buffer and a preventative for those days you feel off.

The post Getting Unstuck: How To Become Happier appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Gardening has taught me so many lessons in life.

I want to give you some quotes from famous people regarding gardening:

I think the true gardener, the older he grows, should more and more develop a humble, grateful and uncertain spirit. – Reginald Farrer

A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all, it teaches entire trust. – Gertrude Jekyll

A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. – Greek proverb

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. – May Sarton

Introduction

We are one week into fall. As a result, the weather is changing. It is getting darker earlier. The leaves are changing color. In conclusion, it is time to start pruning the garden.

I have been a city boy for most of my life. Therefore, buying a home with a garden was an experience in itself.

We moved in the summer when the flowers and everything in the garden was blooming. However, little did I realize the work involved in maintaining it.

The first year I noticed the grass on my lawn going brown. A neighbor told me he sensed it would be white grubs.  Grubs are larvae of beetles and attack the roots of turfgrass.

Since the home was barely new, the builder had put the sod on the original mud rather than a thick layer of topsoil. As I drove around the hood, the best grass was that which was growing on a thick layer of topsoil.

I took the easy route. I went to a construction site. They were offering free topsoil. It was a weed-infested. Guess what no grass showed up but weeds.

Last year I ordered a whole truck of topsoil. I ordered the best grass seeds. For three weeks in September, I mixed the seed and the topsoil. The lawn looks the best in years.

Lessons learned

We need to build our lives on a solid base. Character is important. Discipline will take us through the hard times.

To have a great garden you must have patience, a nurturing spirit, and a willingness to sweat. Nature provides the sun we provide the water, fertilizer, and hard work. To have a career or to excel in anything, you have to work hard.

To see a small seed become a sprout, a plant, and then a tree that gives fruits and flowers is so encouraging. In the same way to see your project, your kids, or a friendship blossom into something is going to be encouraging.

The garden will go through a cycle. Life has its trials and tribulations. There will be things beyond our control. Mother Nature is a formidable foe when she wishes to be. Drought, wind, insects are some of the challenges. Better to approach an uncertain world with an open mind. Stay flexible.

In the backyard, we had a big sumac tree. What was the couple thinking planting in the backyard? I found out the hard way. About 20 feet away from the tree, shoots started coming. It was destroying my grass. Sumac is an aggressive plant and can take over a garden. It took me a whole month to cut the tree and its roots. Keep aggressive, toxic, and nosy people at a distance.

I love perennials. They show up every year. Make sure you have friends like that. As Debbie battled cancer it was the loyal friends who showed up.

Annuals are planted every year. They look beautiful for a reason and for a specific season. Sometimes, we have people like that in our lives only for a short time, for a season, and for a reason.

The garden hose has many choices; focused, mist, spray. We need to encourage a million times, love a billion times, and rebuke but rarely.

Pruning is very important for the plants and at the right time. When we focus on the simple and the practical, life turns around. We embrace change and allow our lives and hearts to grow. Change is a constant factor in our lives.

Flowers and plants that grow in the desert and in a milder climate cannot be grown here. Different soils, ph. levels, weather patterns all have an impact. All our five fingers are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on those and have fun. Comparing yourself to someone else will lead to disaster. Accept the fact the world is unfair and monetize skills differently.

I do not grow fruits or vegetables. My mother-in-law grows them. Potatoes and carrots teach what you do not see matters. Pass on the glitz, glamour, volatility, and the unpredictable in your life.

The result of the garden is the choices you make. People can be flowers in your garden or weeds. Pluck the weeds to let everything grow.

You need a bunch of garden tools. Axes, carts, cords, fork, footwear, hoes, rake, spades, shovel, trellis are some of the tools to be efficient. Education along with practical sense, humility, gentleness, kindness, patience, unconditional love, and emotional intelligence goes a long way in being successful in real life and in the workplace.

We can never be experts in every field. Ask for advice read books. Learn from other people’s mistakes. Go ahead and blossom where you are planted.

These are some of the life lessons I have learned from gardening.

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Ricardo Lopes is an award-winning author, speaker, trainer, and coach at Advanced Leadership. Advanced Leadership is a creative and enthusiastic group that’s passionate about empowering businesses, and the people in them, to meet with greater success. It lends expertise and support in communications, training, employee engagement, and performance. In essence, it helps organizations, and the people in them, better communicate, collaborate, and generate extraordinary results, both within the organization and with their customers.  Ricardo has held several communications, training and development, and national sales development roles generating perennial record sales performances over multiple decades. Ricardo has coaching, speaking, and training accreditation from The John C. Maxwell Team and licensed access to its training materials. John C. Maxwell is a many time over best-selling author and is recognized internationally as one of the world’s top leadership and management development experts. Ricardo talks about coaching and how it helps improve performance.

Ricardo please tell me a little about you?

I’m a coach, speaker, and trainer at Advanced Leadership. We’re a learning and performance company that empowers organizations and the people in them, to better communicate, collaborate, and generate extraordinary results – with their peers, customers, and the teams they’re privileged to lead.  I’ve worked for almost 30 years in the business and corporate worlds, contributing in several roles such as a national business development coach and communications specialist more recently, and as a sales manager, sales officer trainer, and communication consultant, etc. prior to that.

How do you help executives increase their unique value proposition?

I work with individuals to identify the strengths that make them unique and help them play to them.  No one does you as well as you do you.  When you contribute to areas of strength, results come more naturally to you and you can accomplish far more in that area than someone who’s struggling or not engaged in the task at hand. The trick is to challenge yourself continually, by applying those strengths to new challenges, to ensure you keep growing.  

How important is it for an executive to communicate effectively?

I can’t think of anything MORE important.  But let’s be clear about something, according to the Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication, words only make up 7% of any message. Voice tonality and body language contribute 38% and 55%, respectively, to the intended meaning of a message.  This is why you can watch two people relay the same request with great variation in how people respond.  There are a number of leadership skills that executives need to develop to better influence, inspire, and generate results.  These are the soft skills that are mandatory and are very accurate predictors of how far any leader will go. No one cares how smart you are, the question is, do you have the leadership skills to influence, inspire, and generate results with a group of uniquely skilled individuals around you?

Is it important to get a little deeper when networking or should we just get the business card?

Less is more.  Meet with fewer people, get to know them, and build trust.  We do business with and create business opportunities for, people we know, like, and trust.  You can have the greatest skills or widget to sell, but if you fail to develop that connection, your business card will meet with someone’s wastepaper basket.  I might be showing my age but I love business cards.  I think they say something about a person.  I like to write two or three things that make that person unique right on the card when I get home and save them. You can only discover that information after investing some time with them. I organize them by groups of people I affiliate with and like to flip through them before I attend an event.  Even with the best of intentions, it’s hard to remember every detail when you meet so many people.  It takes a little bit of effort to flip through these mini cue cards, but the reward is seeing the smile of appreciation on that person’s face when you’ve remembered them and made them feel special.

How important is it for an executive to have balance in their lives?

Very Important. Balance brings a diversity of experience and thought that makes you more valuable to the organization. Balance makes sure you have the energy to endure the crunch. Balance ensures you are clear about your ‘why’.  When you clearly identify what you value outside of work, and allow yourself to participate in those activities or the lives of others, they become inspirations.  They help you find the last bit of gas in the tank that you need, to do what you must, in order to provide the means to continue to enjoy those moments outside of work.

You were in financial services for more than two decades give me some personal advice on finance?

First save, save, save.  Deduct right off your paycheck and learn to live within what’s left.

Second, there’s a great little button on most income tax software, “How much can I borrow such that my tax refund will pay off the loan”.  Now take your refund and pay off the loan you just took to grow your savings.  Let’s say you borrowed five grand and deposited it to your RRSP savings, now you have five grand plus all the growth it’s going to generate between now and the day in retirement when you take it out. All this, for what it cost you in nominal interest charges incurred from the day you borrowed and the day your tax refund was applied against the loan.

How is your coaching unique and helps executives feeling more empowered?

I love that word! If I could describe what we do in three words, it would be “Authentically you, empowered”. I would say my approach to coaching draws a clear line between coaching and mentoring.  They are not one and the same.  It’s troubling to watch pairings of individuals where the expectation is that a poor millennial is supposed to somehow follow, and start emulating, a decorated baby boomer or GenX for example.  I’ve met with success in leadership positions driving sales etc., but it would be a less productive coaching session if I tried to grow a mini-me.  What worked for me played to my strengths and worked in a time and place.  Even if I executed exactly as I did some years ago, the dynamics and circumstances could have changed and hence the same approach, by the same person, executed the same way, isn’t guaranteed to work.  I encourage clients to identify their strengths and play to them, this generates small and large wins that build confidence and momentum.

One other unique aspect I would say is addressing belief paradigms and the battle between the conscious and unconscious mind.  The unconscious is supposed to protect us and keep us safe from the unknown or re-experiencing something that put us in harm’s way.  Sometimes, those belief paradigms serve us well, other times they’re holding us back, and we need someone outside our head to encourage us to push past them. Once we’ve pushed past them and succeed, our subconscious accepts a new normal and will no longer generate the very real physical manifestation of pain, anxiety, etc. in its attempts to discourage us from going for it!

What other value do you bring to help authentically empower others?

I like to describe our company as a passionate and enthusiastic bunch who enjoy empowering organizations and the people in them, to meet with greater success.  How we help, is by lending support and expertise in four key areas; communications, training, employee engagement, and performance.  What we do essentially is to help organizations and the people in them better communicate, collaborate, and generate extraordinary results, both within the organization and with their customers.  As an example, to kick off the new year in 2019, we’re doing training for entrepreneurs and small business that is open to the general public.  We’re helping them craft messages to effectively promote their business in public and close the sale while building their confidence. Many wonderful people are great artisans, service people, or craftspeople, but they are not salespeople and may never be. When you get big enough, you can pass on promoting your business in public and closing the sale of your widget or book to someone else. Until then, you need to get it done yourself, or risk being one of 50% of businesses who fail within the first five years. Often, the failure has nothing to do with the service or product they provide, the challenge is their inability to sell it.  It’s also heart-wrenching to meet a perennial networker whose own inner circle is hard-pressed to describe what that person does!  Even with the best intentions, their inner circle doesn’t know how to promote their fellow networker because they don’t have clear messaging regarding just what they do or sell.  Our event will empower these folks to conquer their fear of public speaking, promote their business and close the sale. Together we’ll craft engaging value propositions, elevator speeches, and on stage / public presentations in a 3-day over 4-weeks experiential learning workshop.

How do you balance food, faith, finance, and family in the 21st century?

Balance to me means you acknowledge the importance of different aspects of a full, and well-functioning life.  That involves setting goals and executing them in each area.  Food is your body’s enricher.  Garbage in, garbage out. Plan and do the work to eat well.  Faith, if you’re blessed with it, will help you better appreciate you’re a spiritual being having a human experience, not the other way around.  That said, take care of your body such that you have a place to carry your inner being, while having the strength and wellness to do, and experience, all that you can on this journey.  Finance is an enabler; it’s not the most important thing in one’s life, but it’s right up there next to oxygen! Family love you, often unconditionally.  It’s hard to find a stronger set of raving fans.  Schedule time together, even if it’s the most mundane “I drive you to x event”, and “mom drives you to y event”.  Put down the smartphone and talk to each other, be present.  Schedule couple time/family time with as much commitment as you would the most important thing you have to do because it is.

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Do you feel you have to be perfect? Perfect on the job,  perfect with friends, perfect with family, and perfect in general.  Are you on the treadmill of life, trying to be perfect? If you are in performance mode, then you need to stop trying to be perfect. You need to get off the treadmill. Take some time off. Smell the roses. Go for a vacation. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Meditate, pray, or change your routine. You are hurting yourself by chasing perfection, having unrealistic expectations, and being in performance mode.

You need to love yourself more. You need to accept yourself. You also need to forgive and practice gratitude. Let go of trying to be perfect.

Forget social media, forget comparing yourself to someone else, and forget living in someone else’s shadow. Be real, vulnerable, and lead an authentic life. A life that is aligned with your goals and values. Perfection, unrealistic expectations, not dealing with issues, and not taking responsibility are all toxins destroying your life.

I respect Selena. She has figured out a lot of stuff at an early age. She blogs about women’s empowerment but also lives it daily. We talk about women’s empowerment, careers, and of course, dating.

Hi Selena, welcome, and tell me something about you?

Hi, thanks for having me! I am a 24-year-old marketing manager at a small marketing firm currently, but my goal is to make empowering women my full-time career, whether that is through life coaching or through my motivational blog that I started a little over a year ago. Writing is my passion, along with helping women realize their full potential and I seek to do that not only in my professional endeavors but in my personal relationships as well.

Talk to me about your job in marketing? What do you like about marketing?

My company markets mainly for technology staffing firms. In my role, I write industry-related blogs, both for clients and for us, I curate and design their social media content, and also write and design their websites. I love the creative aspect of marketing, and it is a field in which things are always changing, so it never gets boring! There is always so much to learn. Marketing also has allowed me to expand my writing abilities as I have had to learn to adapt to writing for various brands and therefore various tones, industries, and topics.

Help me understand how dating has changed for you in the 21st century? I like the fact that you talk about taking responsibility for it?

I think the inception of social media played a significant role in shifting how people date today. We are constantly flooded with options on various dating apps, and consume massive amounts of content on social media sites daily. Instant gratification has become the expectation, and men especially use these dating apps to their advantage as they rack up their roster so they always have someone on standby.

However, on the other hand, we as women tend to enable this behavior because it seems that this is how the majority of men behave (even if this isn’t necessarily the case), so we’ve gotten used to getting ghosted, getting played, etc. We, as women, need to take control of the narrative and not stand for behavior that doesn’t align with our values and how we want to be treated. This also isn’t to say that all men are bad and all women are good, but in my experience, women tend to be more vocal about their distaste for dating these days.

I get so caught up in planning that I forget to be in the present. As I focus on being in the present moment my life has changed…pls. comment?

I think many of us are always looking ahead to what’s coming next that it is very rare we stop and look around at what we have in the present moment. I think this takes practice to slow yourself down and be appreciative of how far you’ve come up to this point and realize that if you don’t enjoy the present, you’ll miss your whole life. I’m still working on this myself, but it is not surprising to me that your life has changed after being able to do this. As humans, I think we are always striving for more – with parental, societal, professional, and peer pressures, we feel as though we always have to be on the go, working our butts off to get to the next milestone in our lives. But, as I said, we’ll miss out if we’re always focusing on what’s coming next.

I have been mentoring people since grade 8 when I became a prefect. Over the years I have been a big brother and mentored many men in the corporate world. I talk to them about getting to know themselves and where their identity comes from and being authentic. Walk me through your own process?

That’s amazing! It takes a special kind of person to want to help others, so I applaud you for choosing to mentor. I personally have never technically mentored anyone, but I really want to get into that space. I am the friend that many of my friends come to for advice or just to vent, and there is nothing more rewarding for me than to help them through their struggles, and remind them how loved they are. I try to do the same in my blog and offer advice on various topics from how to stop being a people pleaser to how to get over the guy you never technically dated. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles and that there are resources that are available to help them heal from past traumas, and figure out who they are and who they want to become. I try to offer a safe space to do that for anyone who needs an ear to listen.

Help me understand what women empowerment means to you?

Women empowerment means helping women realize and unlock their full potential. It means saying, screw what society wants us to be, what do we want to be? It means spreading positivity, lifting each other up, and fighting for our rights. It means cultivating meaningful communities and helping each other live our most authentic, unapologetic lives.

On a personal note, one of the areas I have grown the most is being aware of my own mental health but also those around me. I have been in sales all my life and outgoing so I can overlook that. Why is mental health so important to the present generation?

Luckily for Gen-Z, I believe mental health is being discussed so much more, and the stigmas that were placed on going to therapy or seeking help are ending. This generation is so much more emotionally aware, and especially with social media, mental health is more important than ever. Kids are on these social media sites and are fed content of celebrities and peer’s lives that isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a kid in this day in age.

I think it is so important for parents, teachers, and even peers to talk about mental health and encourage open and honest conversations. Ask how your friends are doing! Encourage therapy! We all need to look out for one another.

Women are outperforming men all across universities in North America. I have worked in some of the best restaurants and so often on Thursdays and Fridays saw only women coming. They always say the same thing, young men are living in their parents’ basement playing video games and do not know how to go on a date or carry on a conversation. Is that true? What can be done about it?

I can only speak from my personal experience as well as what I’ve heard from my friends, and although there are many complaints that can be made about men, I have not experienced this. I have gone on many dates and although they may not be the right match for me, I’ve had a nice time 90% of the time and have always been able to have good conversations with them.

The ones I have dated have also all had jobs, but there are certainly men out there who do just stay living at home and maybe lack the drive needed to begin or advance their careers. I think the key here is just to remember that this is not all men, and we just need to keep looking for the ones who best fit our lifestyle and what we’re looking for – because hey, maybe some women like a guy who lives at home and plays video games!

I want to know something special about the city you live in? What is the food scene and why should we visit?

I live in Boston, MA – known for our sports teams for sure! As a foodie myself, there are some great spots in Boston. Depending on your taste, the North End is a must for Italian food. Especially the famous Mike’s Pastry for dessert! Boston is filled with a range of cuisine, so it’s sure to please any pallet.

Do you feel the pressure to always be perfect? Are the media and magazines putting that pressure on you?

I think as women, we always feel pressure to be perfect to some degree. It’s difficult to not compare yourself to the models on Instagram (even though they’re most likely photoshopped anyway), celebrities, or even just our peers. It has become ingrained in us that we need to look “pretty” to society’s standards, or we are somehow “less than”. But, I believe that as a society we are working to combat this narrative and encourage body diversity.

Besides physically, I think we as women feel the pressure to have everything together all the time. Our job, social life, family time, sleep, exercise schedule, nutrition, etc. have to all be on point 24/7. It’s exhausting! I think we need to take the pressure off ourselves and just start doing what makes us feel good and what works for us. Easier said than done, but hopefully, a goal that can be reached at some point.

I want to know how writing has helped you? I find it cathartic.

Writing has always been my form of therapy. Ever since I was little I would write fictional stories and poetry, and as I got older it turned into my travel blog when I studied abroad, and now my women’s empowerment blog. It has allowed me to express myself in a way that I haven’t been able to otherwise. It has also allowed me to form new connections and help people with topics that no one really wants to talk about. Writing will always be my number one passion, and I don’t see a day where I will ever stop, as it is what makes me who I am.

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I have a deep respect and admiration for a minister (evangelist, pastor, cleric, chaplain, missionary, priest, rector, preacher, Reverand). The job of a minister is tough and demanding. It can be satisfying from an intrinsic perspective. However, there are metrics to deal with. The modern-day minister has to be a CEO, CFO, COO, orator, shepherd, counselor all in one. The spotlight is always on the minister and their families. The profession is fraught with risks, temptations, challenges, difficulties, and burnout. How do you measure the transformation of the heart, the alteration of lives, and ministry effectiveness? The exercise of faith, hope, love, forgiveness, and having a healthy congregation is hard to compute. However, it is these very concepts that the minister is trying to move forward in the congregation.

I have had the privilege to interview David Adams, Senior Pastor at Stone Ridge fellowship on moving from success to significance, Joanna Lafleur from the TV show See Hear Love on communication, Jonathan Manafo from The Village Whitby on Christmas, Pastor Beth on prayer, Mark Strickland minister from the People Church on dating, Lorie Hartshorn from 700 Club Canada on faith, Chris Vacher minister on creative leadership and Gillianne Brisboise from the Church of Christ on love in action.

I am excited to interview Kevin Robbins, a senior minister from Milestone Ministries. I met Kevin more than 25 years ago when his father-in-law used to mentor me. I have always found Kevin to be a down-to-earth, humble, a great listener, and a man who loves his wife, daughters, and mother-in-law. Kevin does not let the past define him. He is focused on the future, making it a better place, creating value for other humans, and making a difference.  I had not seen him for more than a decade and then ran into him at a party. We talked in detail about getting help in different areas of life. Kevin is introspective and is always looking at how he can get better. I admire how he has pivoted his organization through the challenges of COVID-19.

Kevin is real and vulnerable in this interview. As a minister, a father, and a husband he has come out on the other side thriving. I am super encouraged by this interview and I hope you read it a couple of times and apply the golden nuggets to your life.

Kevin, an honor to have you on Four Columns. I want my audience to know a little about you?

Everyone has a launchpad in life that shapes who they are. Mine was growing up in rural northern Canada. We were a family of six that subsisted well below the poverty line. Living in a small log cabin with no water and electricity and my family was burdened by many internal and external stressors that included chronic unemployment, social marginalization, domestic disputes, alcoholism, and significant mental health issues.

This foundational stage of my life created a desire to find meaning and value for the remainder of my days and I’m blessed to be on a journey with the love of my life Lisa. We have two married daughters that have launched vibrant careers. I have become a church-planter and church-builder over the last 30 years, have lived in Los Angeles, Vancouver, Halifax, and Toronto received a Masters’s degree, become an author and motivational speaker that focuses on the best life everyone should be living.

You have been a minister for three decades. It is a tough, grueling job. What drew you to become a minister and what is your why?

Most people in church ministry will tell you that they felt “a calling” to the job and I suppose I am no different. But since that phrase is somewhat cliche, my specific answer would be to give. Early in my life, I decided the life that makes the most sense for me was to create value for others.

You have been married for three decades. I want to know the practical secrets of having a strong and vibrant marriage like yours?

Lisa and I love being married, in fact, other than our faith and the kids that came as a result of our marriage, love and our marriage is our most favorite thing in life!

In my opinion, having a strong and vibrant marriage is not hard at all. The secret is the priority. None of us need to be lectured about priorities, we all have a couple of things in life that are the most important to us proven by the amount of time, thought and effort we put into them. The hardest part of marriage is deciding if it will rank as your highest priority…if you are willing to prioritize, your commitment to each other gets a lot easier.

Before the pandemic of 2020, Lisa and I traveled and gave keynote lessons at marriage conferences around North America. When the world shut down, on the suggestion of some close friends we launched weekly episodes on YouTube called Marriage Monday. We were amazed at the hundreds and sometimes thousands of couples that joined the live stream and still do each week.

During the height of the lockdown, we wrote a book called Stay Home Marriage, How to Stay In Love Before, During and After a Global Pandemic. We kept the book short and fun, and it was a rewarding experience. We especially have enjoyed seeing how it has connected and resonated with couples around the world. The premise of the book is based on the simple idea that life, health, career, and legacy are enhanced when you make your marriage a priority. You can find out more about it and link to our videos at wildmarriage.com.

What are some of the secrets of living with three women? I live with two and sometimes or many times I have to keep my sarcastic humor to myself?

I’ve heard the urban legend that boys are easier to raise than girls because girls are too complex when they become teens. I don’t believe it, I’ve always thought “God knew what he was doing when he gave me daughters, not sons.”  For me, boys are just too loud, smelly, and end up breaking most of your most expensive stuff!

Seriously, there’s no doubt that eventually, the male and female worldviews come into conflict with one another when you live under one roof. If a man’s brain is a waffle and a woman’s brain is spaghetti (or whatever metaphor is most trendy right now) there are going to be a lot of opportunities for bumps within our interactions. Patience and communication are the lynchpins to keep everyone connected.

Lisa serves as an interpreter in our family, and she educates me as to why my very logical statements (IMO) don’t make sense to the girls, why my sarcasm isn’t actually funny but caustic to the women in the house, or why whenever I’m asked what I am feeling and I say, “I dunno, nothin’”, that is inconceivable to the women of my family!  I know my wife works equally hard explaining the intricacies of the male brain to my daughters because I often see them huddle to decipher and debrief after one of my family-famous pontifications about the way the world should be.

Fatherhood changed me forever. What did you learn from fatherhood?

I appreciate my father. I think about him often. He had a very difficult life. He suffered from severe mental health issues and when I was 13 years old, he died of suicide.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from fatherhood is that negative cycles can be broken. In fact, for the sake of my children, negative cycles must be broken. I have no patience for self-pity that manifests itself in fatherhood that pulls back from the spouse and kids only to get lost in the perpetual adolescence of work, sports, or hobbies that ultimately exclude family. To me, there are only two things more important than my children, my faith and their mother. Everything else, albeit fun, is way down the list of important.

Talk to me about how we can become better fathers, husbands, brothers, and just ethical men in our culture?

It’s my observation that every father, husband, and brother will eventually reach a crossroad moment to take a stand on principle or collapse into a character deficit. This becomes not only a defining moment personally, but it shapes your legacy impact on all who are connected to you. I think being a principled person is how to become “better”.

Most claim to have bed-rock principles, but few live it out. It is ironic that adults usually think the height of peer pressure happened in their teen years, but we all know it’s alive and thriving now…among C-suite corporates, marketing, sales, laborer’s and even in those of the church-attending crowd.  Worry about status, standing, and what others think and say about us will eventually gut our ethics and we soon find we’re moving the goalposts of what is and is not integrity.

Admittedly, taking a stand on principle can lead to a lonely place. It may result in devastating disappointment when even those you have considered allies and friends turn from you or worse, on you. I’ve seen many men decide it’s too much of a price to pay, but if you’re asking how you as a solitary participant in this life can exact ethical change, this is how you do it; demand integrity over the illusion of popularity.

I have a sticky note at my desk that I read often, “One of the truest test of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.” – Chinua Achebe

Faith is very important to you. Talk to me about the practical aspects of your faith. How can we use unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness in this world that is hurting?

Yes, faith is very important to me. I consider it first among my top three priorities of life. I’ve devoted my life in pursuit of understanding who God is and equally complex, who I am supposed to be (still working on that concept!). It has not always made for an easy journey, but faith continues to be my most treasured possession.

You mentioned love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness, I call these the Big 7. As humans, we are undeniably drawn to this list and we search for a safe place where we will be treated with such generosity. But offering the Big 7 consistently to others around us is usually quite difficult.

The word gospel in Greek is euangelion and it means simply “good news”. I believe this good news is summed up in the Big 7. At any given time there seems to be so much in this world that is out of control or getting worse, we can barely understand it all and we certainly can’t control it all, but at the very least, we can choose to drop in any of the Big 7 and good news makes an impact to any hurting place in this world.

I hear of some of my contemporary ministers deriding society, crying for the morality of days gone by and adding to theories that lend themselves to conspiracy. I don’t see it the same way. It is a historical fact that the euangelion always endures in every changing season. If things get dark, the good news will be light. When life becomes sorrowful, the good news will offer joy. When regret rules the day, the good news gives a new start.

The good news of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness always win the day. It may take a while…but always wins. The only question is, will I give the Big 7 away to others?

Walk me through a typical day as a minister and what are the modern challenges that a minister faces today?

The typical day of a minister is atypical. My congregation has over a thousand active members, so it is not unusual for my day to begin with concise plans and appointments that suffer a slow death by way of interruption. I don’t say that with any resentment, it is just that anyone who wants to operate successfully in the business of people needs patience and a desire to bring value to others often over structured goals.

That said, a typical day usually begins early with reading, study, and prayer followed by connecting with those in the community who are in need. The business hours of the day often hold preparation for sermon series, lessons, and teaching classes, training interns, and mentoring younger ministers and staff. There is an administration team to attend to, worship teams, digital teams, and social media teams. The later part of the day usually allows the opportunity to meet with those requesting life direction and counseling. Of course, there is always the rhythm of church meetings like Sunday services, midweek meetings, weekly small group gatherings, board of directors meetings, elders and deacon meetings and the list goes on. Most days are physically and emotionally taxing, but I enjoy them. I have a dear uncle who every time he sees me is compelled to tell the same tongue-in-cheek joke, “Ministers have the best job in the world because they only work one hour a week on Sunday morning.” I politely laugh each time he says it, but I can assure you, it’s far from an accurate characterization.

In 2020 churches, like every other organization, have leaped into the digital world. Because of COVID-19, there was no “learning curve”, it was more like a “learning rock wall” …straight up and a lot of bruises when you fall! Most ministers I know are exhausted after more than a year trying to find, listen, help, encourage, laugh and cry with their members. Measurements for success in a church are arbitrary metrics, at least difficult to define on an excel spreadsheet.

No one knows for sure what “church” will look like on the other side of the pandemic, but I’m certain it will be different. Between you and me, I think that’s kind of exciting and I look forward to it!

Let’s talk food. What are some of your favorite haunts in Toronto?

I live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world and it offers a gastronomic celebration everyday…if you’re adventurous enough! Honestly, because I live in Toronto it feels like my favorite restaurant haunt changes weekly, but right now it is Drupatis, offering West Indian fare and my personal favorites are called Doubles, small pastry pockets filled with a chickpea filling. Way better than it sounds. You gotta try it!

2020 was a brutal year for me. There are many who are reading this who are hurting. As a minister talk to me about hope, persevering, overcoming evil with good, and staying focused?

There is no denying that 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have been difficult for everyone. The truth is, we don’t even know the entire story yet. I’m sure over the next decade researchers will give us statistics that reveal the massive challenges we all endured in the economy, education, politics, mental health, marriage, parenting, and our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Not to mention that we are literally living out an experiment in real-time regarding the impact of social media and screen-time usage. We are present-day over-comers if we know it or not.

This last year forced Lisa and me to deeply examine how we evaluate the world around us. It was getting too easy to become discouraged, despondent, cynical, and hopeless. So, we asked ourselves why and then we wrote the first chapter of our book and gave it the title “Porch Pirates and Other Thieves”. In short, it is an exploration of the importance of radical optimism and refusing to let life’s outward circumstances steal from the life you can be living.

Among the most encouraging ideas is that you play a role in changing the way you think, in fact, you must. It’s not just embracing a disconnected pollyanna view of your life or white-knuckling your way through the difficult times, but it is literally rewiring your brain through neuroplasticity.  Every single thought, whether positive or negative makes a lasting connection, so why not make the thoughts good?

As a minister I love the way our society’s ground-breaking brain research is matching some ancient Biblical advice, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

Whatever you do, never forget there’s a lot of good around you. Think about it.

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What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank.  Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses,  our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be.  This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment.   The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries.  Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker.  My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ.  With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?  

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes,  the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature.  Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear.  How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be.  How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience.  Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings.  The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?    

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices.  Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?    

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success.  Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us.  As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

February is Black History Month.

I talk to Zenovia Shaw, a game-changer in society with her love for her family, her people, and her country.

Zenovia, welcome to my series on Women With Wisdom. Please tell my audience something about you.

My name is Zenovia V. Shaw. I am a 56-year old woman who is passionate about life, family, and purpose. I live in Pickering, Ontario, and I have been married for 31 years. I am a mother and a grandmother.  I became a Christian 27 years ago and have not looked back.
I am self-employed as an esthetician. I love people, travel, gardening, and hosting gatherings…I am what you call a total extrovert!

Why is black history month important?

I believe history is history (from all backgrounds/nationalities) and should be integrated throughout the whole year and taught to everyone; however, I am grateful for the opportunity to have February as black history month.  There has been so much given to the world by black men and women, and their stories are not widely known by the majority of the population.  Great contributions, inventions, and examples of upstanding citizens.  Things I was never taught as a youth to help develop that great sense of pride in my heritage.  So much of what I saw and heard in society or in the media about black people was portrayed in a negative way.  Black history month provides an ‘open door’ for everyone to walk through to educate themselves in hopes of refreshing their views.

Let’s discuss marriage! Give my audience some advice on marriage, what to look for, the challenges, how to stick through the thick and thin?

Marriage is not to be entered into lightly!  Take more time to focus on the marriage than the wedding.  For the wedding, which lasts for a day, every detail is planned and rehearsed, but too often the preparation for the marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime, does not get the same level of attention.

Focus on what commitment looks like for a healthy relationship.  Have fun together, laugh, serve God and others together.  It is absolutely fine to say “I’m sorry” and “please forgive me”.  In the marriage relationship, mutual respect, trust, and consideration are paramount.  When disagreements occur, fight ‘clean and fair’.  Once words are spoken, they cannot be unspoken…words do hurt!  Another boundary to never cross is physical harm.

Once children enter the equation, the relationship changes as you focus less on each other and take on the responsibility to raise the children.  For us, life threw some curveballs our way, such as financial or health challenges, to test our mettle.  These challenges have all happened in our marriage.  My kidneys failed two years into our marriage.   Having gone through the stages of dialysis and organ transplantation 18 years ago, I am still going strong with the support of my husband, family, and friends.  It is only for the glory of God.  We as a family hung on to God’s word, prayer, promises, love, grace, and purpose.

We agreed as a couple that there will be no back doors in our marriage if we hold on to these principles.

How has motherhood and becoming a grandmother changed you? What were some of the challenges and what did you learn?

What a great responsibility!  I totally enjoyed every moment of raising our daughter and son, even though our daughter did not sleep through the night for the first 13 months of her life!  It was very exhausting, and I am still trying to catch up on sleep 30 years later.  However, with every stage of their lives (the joys, cuts, bruised knees, colds, chickenpox, hormones, mess-ups, victories, great achievements) I’ve learned to enjoy every minute and still continue to do so.  I understood that God entrusted them to me to enjoy and to teach and train them to know Him.

Now being a grandmother, the emotions of love, adoration, are heightened.   There are no words to describe what I feel for my grandchildren.  All I know is I want them to know how much I love them, how much God loves them and desires them to have a life to the full.

Please give yourself advice when you were 14, 24, and 34 yrs old?

Age 14

Focus on school more and not be concerned about other people’s opinions of you.  Don’t even think about boys!

Age 24

Ask my parents more questions about their lives and experiences.  Tell them I love them more.  Find more meaningful ways to express my love for them.

Give that real estate course another chance.

This is a good time to begin saving for retirement.

High five on choosing to date the man I am now married best friends with for 33 years.

Age 34

No one ever plans to suffer illness in life, but these things do happen.  Face your challenge head-on knowing it is happening for a reason and your experience will not be wasted.  You will be able to help others who will go through the same challenges.

I know faith is very important to you. Walk me through your own journey and what you are learning about it?

I believe full well that God put eternity on the hearts of man.  Realizing at an early age that the void that I felt in my life was not being filled with…the job, money, things, seeking love and acceptance from man, starting my own family unit.  I somehow knew God had to play a part in the true purpose of being.

I, therefore, embarked on my journey to find a deeper meaning for my existence.  I tried church hopping, to see which denomination was a fit.  I became envious of those who had a deep love for God.   I couldn’t understand why I didn’t (or couldn’t) develop that type of relationship.

Social media has given some of the shy types a voice and a presence to express themselves.  It has given those who like to encourage others a platform to reach as many as possible with words of inspiration, pictures of the world around us, greetings, etc. On the dark side, it has been used to hurt and diminish others.

To become a part of a community, I think the key is to become more outward.  Seek to make a difference in some small way.  Focus on giving more than taking.  Beware of the ‘what’s in it for me’ mentality.  I’ve found that these principles bring true joy and happiness.

Volunteering is a great way to become part of a community.

1. Serve your neighbors (help with snow removal, mow lawns, rake leaves) especially if they are elderly, widows, or special needs.
2. Visit seniors in nursing homes or retirement homes where loneliness is a real issue
3. Coach a team
4. Teach life skills at a local community center

Rapid-fire…

Favorite restaurant….Benihana Japanese restaurant

Favorite meal…stew chicken, baked macaroni and cheese, rice, salad

Favorite movie…Pride and Prejudice (with Colin Firth)

Famous person to have a meal with…President Obama

What would I ask:

Moses:  How were you feeling emotionally/physically that brought you to the point of disobedience when you struck the rock when you were directed to speak to it?

Jonah:  Why were you hesitant to go to Nineveh?

Paul:  When you were struck with blindness on the road to Damascus, what were your thoughts and fears?

Mary:  As you watched your son as a toddler, what was one thing he said or did that you stored up in your heart?

Sarah:  How did you feel when you were presented as a sister and not a wife by Abram?

The post Zenovia Shaw: The Definition of Wisdom appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Everything happens for a reason

I asked for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom, and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity, and God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience, and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for love, and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors, and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted; I received everything I needed.

My prayers have been answered

It was the summer of 98. I was madly in love with three girls (so I thought).

In other words, one was in Paris. The other two were in Montreal and Calgary.

As a result, I had flown to Paris for two weeks to see where I stood. I made two trips to Montreal. The girl in Calgary I had loved for more than a decade.

The much-dreaded letter came from Paris. All written in French. She was not sure where she stood. Strike one. Two more to go. The response from Montreal was she was not sure. Strike two.

In conclusion, the Calgary one was it. I mean she was half-Indian. In addition, the other half was the bohemian Hungarian. We would be a couple. She came to Toronto for Christmas. We spent some time. I met her family. I finally told her. She knew I had loved her for nearly a decade. She dated two friends of mine. She left for Calgary with the intention of packing up and moving back to Toronto.

About two days later, I got a call at midnight. She had spoken to a friend who was a friend of an old ex and did not think it was a good idea.

Dead in the water. Back to square one.  Almighty, so you are trying to teach me something. Half of my life I have spent in the oven. Come on… I need a break.

Lo and behold, I meet Debbie in 99. We were friends. I teased her a lot. Even I tried to set her up with someone.

Someone asked me if I would be open to her.

I mean I am brown. She is white. Boring white. Throw some Latina names around. Give me someone who I can romance. It is supposed to be like in the movies.

Jerry. You do not get it. The girl is right under you. All your life you are chasing trophy women.

OK, OK, OK, OK. One date. One date and that is it. I will try one date and get it done with it. That first date happened in Jan 2000.

A quick Swiss Chalet lunch. In addition, it will all be over. I even wanted to cancel it. One of her friends said she was looking forward to it.

On a cold January Sunday. We went to the Swiss Chalet on Finch, opposite the Humbold Centre. I made some small talk. Cracked some dumb jokes. I dropped her home.

Her friend called and said how it went. Whatever, no feelings on my side. By the way, do you know any Latina girls? Jerry, she loved the date. She loved how you opened the doors for her. She loved how you paid attention to her.

My jaws dropped. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just chasing the wrong women. Our next date was for Valentine’s Day. A little risky move. Let me take a nice Hamilton girl to a Pakistani restaurant. A small dinghy greasy place. Surely, she will know. Who takes someone for Valentine’s Day to a greasy Pakistani restaurant? Me of course. I am trying to send the message…not interested.

It was one of the best dates. We laughed. She just loved the food.

Debbie worked opposite me at a law firm. We got along. She laughed at my dumb jokes. She appreciated me. All my pedigree meant nothing to her. She just cared for me. She just put up with my private school, only kid, arrogant attitude.

We were opposites in everything. Opposites do attract.

One date led to another and in the summer of 2000, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Therefore, sparks need to happen. Heaven needs to separate. I was giving myself 6 months. The more I spent time with her; the more I realized this woman loved me unconditionally. In addition, there were no pretensions around her.

I called her on Christmas day. Her sister Dawn answered. This is Jerry on the other side. Your brother in law. Well, Dawn, Debbie is it. I just need to ask your dad’s permission.

In February of 2001, I took her parents to see the Wedding Planner. We had a good time. I called Doug later that week and asked him if I could marry his daughter.

Plans were to get a ring and do something extraordinary.

On the last Saturday of March, we drove to the Prince of Wales restaurant in Niagara on the Lake. After lunch, we went on a tour of Niagara in a helicopter. The pilot was told to just shut up and just let us talk. Thousands of feet above the falls, I posed the question. She said yes.

We came back to Toronto. Both of our families and her friends were waiting for dinner.

In September of 2001, we got married. We went to Portugal, Spain, and Morocco for our honeymoon.

Debbie has taught me gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. She has taught me to see the pleasure in simple things. She has made me humble, gentle, patient, and not let the small things bother me.

Jean our 22 year old daughter makes us a complete family.

I look forward to being married for the next 100 years.

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