Becky Aste has made me look at marriage from the perspective of trauma.

This month I will complete 22 years of marriage. I am fascinated by marriage.

I have looked at communication in marriage, and have interviewed authors, psychotherapists, pastors, and people in general about marriage.

Four Columns believes in having a holistic approach to marriage.

Becky Aste is a trauma-informed marriage coach, CEO of I Do Breakthrough, and the host of Your Breakthrough Blueprint Podcast. Her podcast is ranked in the top 10% of podcasts globally.

A friend of mine was being interviewed on her podcast and she posted it on Facebook. I listened to it and was mesmerized. I listened to a couple of her podcasts and I was like Becky is on to something. I reached out to her and she answered right away. She sent me the answers to the interview in less than a week.

This interview has made me look at my own traumas and how it has changed me. Go on Becky Aste’s podcast and listen to it. It will change you.

I have never heard of a trauma-informed marriage coach. Walk me through what it means.

I’m a marriage coach who has been through unique training to know how to understand and recognize the role of trauma in my clients’ healing journey – particularly how our bodies keep the score of the trauma we’ve survived and how to go into the body to move trauma OUT.

Talk to me about what trauma is and how it impacts us in our daily lives.

Trauma is anything that overwhelms our nervous systems’ ability to cope. Life-threatening events like an accident, house fires, assaults, wars, etc. are commonly referred to as “Big T traumas”. Think “Too big, too fast, too soon”. Experiences that threaten our core sense of love, belonging, and safety like infidelity, emotional neglect, and psychological or emotional abuse are often referred to as “Little t traumas”. Think “Death by a thousand paper cuts” or “The challenges suffered in silence”.

We all have physical, emotional, mental and psychological wounds. Help me understand why we need to be intentional in dealing with these wounds to lead an authentic, abundant, and empowered life.

Yes, unfortunately, none of us make it out of this life unscathed whether that be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or psychological wounds. Our body remembers and stores these wounds in the subconscious blueprint of our nervous system to protect us from any similar, harmful situations in the future. This is where we see our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses- our body signaling there is potential danger. This is the fantastic wisdom of our body – there to protect us. The problem arises when we get caught in these responses and can’t move back into a regulated state of homeostasis even after the danger has passed. Our system either gets stuck “On” (As seen in hyper-achieving, anxiety, and restlessness) or shut “off”. (Depression, adrenal fatigue, isolation). When we get stuck in this survival response, it can lead to blocks in our core relationships, interfere with our work & diminish our ability to live a life of joy, meaning, connection, and pleasure.

You talk a lot about somatic mindfulness on social media. I am aware of mindfulness but where does somatic play a role?

The word “Somatic” simply means pertaining to the body, especially in contrast to the mind. Mindfulness means living in the present moment. Essentially, it means being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment. Somatic mindfulness creates a mind-body integration where it has been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show. This kind of therapeutic work softens and reduces the hyper-vigilant threat response and hyper-arousal in the nervous system.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You are guilty of sin. You are guilty of this and that. Our religious, and educational landscape thrives on making us guilty. I want a way out. Help me.

Exactly. On a global scale, the human race is unconsciously breathing in the silent but deadly toxic fumes of shame and breathing it out on everyone around us. I truly believe the single source of all human suffering is a severed sense of love and belonging – exactly where shame makes its entrance as we are all doing our best to cope with our collective human suffering and then turning to self-blame for those coping cocktails of choice. The answer is radical self-compassion and self-acceptance. Learning to dissolve shame at the smallest.

I have traveled all over the world, and am open and curious. Do I have an advantage over someone who is close-minded and legalistic?

Curiosity is everything. It gives space to breathe again which gives space to live. Which is what healing is all about – learning to live again after surviving for so long. The foundational piece of the client journey I take any woman on is releasing the constricting energy of “muscling through it” and inviting her into the paradigm of a “Curious Explorer”. Instead of drawing black-and-white conclusions and making meaning of everything… she’s invited to look at life, self, and triggers through the lens of “Hmm, how interesting.” Those we may deem as “Closed-minded” and “Legalistic” I think can also be viewed as caught in their own survival patterns, caught in their own fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of dishonoring God. Fear of losing love and belonging if they don’t follow the rules …

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Out of the remaining fifty percent, only two percent are emotionally connected. These stats are alarming. What is going on?

The mainstream modalities for healing a marriage are: “Go see a therapist. Go to couples counseling. Read this book. Listen to this podcast. Check out this Instagram page. Read this article…” and the list goes on. None of these are bad, but when you understand how our nervous system works it’s a real eye-opener into why all of these fall short, leaving couples emotionally disconnected at best- or worst-case scenario, divorced when they both actually wanted the marriage to work but didn’t know how to repair. If there’s nothing else people remember from this entire article I want them to remember this: We all have a giant nerve running from the base of our skull to the bottom of our spine known as the “Vagus Nerve”. Think of it like the super highway of information sending chemical messages from our brain to our body, body to our brain. Get this … only 20% of these messages travel from our brain to our body. But 80% travel from our BODY to our brain. All that to say, all the most popular avenues we’ve taken for decades to save our marriages have only been tapping into that 20%. So, it’s no wonder we all feel like salmon swimming upstream and the divorce rate just keeps skyrocketing. When we learn to work WITH the 80%, get INTO the body to move trauma OUT – this is where we see miracles happen. I get to witness it every single day in my community, women not only recovering but redesigning the marriage of their dreams after the brink of divorce, after betrayal, after abuse, abandonment, separation, etc.

Betrayal…….in friendships, relationships, business, and marriages can have a devastating impact on us. You talk about healing our nervous system. Help me understand this process.

Betrayal’s impacts on the nervous system can be absolutely devastating. Symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares and impaired sleeping, depression, anxiety, brain fog, dropping things, distrust, dissociation, are common. Betrayed partners often feel as if their reality has been shaken to its core. Repairing the nervous system is absolutely key here – for that person to learn how to move back into regulation, safety, and self-trust. Releasing stuck energy and learning to “ground” can serve as the most helpful initial baby steps in this process of repair. Releasing stuck energy can look like shaking (I know sounds crazy, but it’s actually very natural – we’re just conditioned not to do it. Animals, after facing something life-threatening or scary will literally shake as a way to release cortisol, adrenaline, and trauma from the body.) Another release is what I like to call “Sacred Rage”. When you’ve been betrayed you might feel like you want to scream at the top of your lungs, hurt the one who betrayed you, punch that person in the face, etc. – these can be terrifying feelings to feel but there is a healthy way to release all of this instead of locking it inside. Some clients have created a safe, private space to take a baseball bat or gold club and just whacked the crap out of some intimate objects, punch a pillow or lock themselves in their car while they blast some music and scream at the top of their lungs. Grounding techniques- you can google that and find a million but it’s everything from walking barefoot on the earth to cold plunges to breathing techniques to tapping into your 5 senses. These grounding tools help move you from that activated fight/flight/freeze response back into safety and rest.

I want to know what it means to approach every area of our lives through abundance.

The first thing that comes to mind is going to sound cliche but it’s learning to practice authentic gratitude for whatever little you do have right here, right now. To live in abundance requires healing and rewiring from this scarcity of programming. Whether that is with money, marriage, time, health, etc. – but I’ll just use money as an example here. I tell my son all the time “Ollie, you want to know the trick to having more money? Be super grateful for the money that you have and more will come.” I never used to think like this. Money felt scarce my whole life. I knew how to make money but didn’t know how to keep it. I avoided the numbers in my bank account. I complained we didn’t have enough. I laughed and identified as broke. Then I went through a major money-healing journey where I rewired my nervous system from hustling out of hunger to receiving more and more with gratitude, learning how to steward it with integrity, and repairing intimacy in my own energetic relationship with money just like one would do in a marriage. It was one of the most downloaded podcast episodes I’ve done if you want to hear the full story here.

Identity and body posture. Come on Becky. Seriously. You have got me all self-conscious.

Ha! Body posture can tell us SO much about how we really view ourselves and how the world around us perceives us. Of course, with exceptions for those with debilitating health conditions that come from a purely physical root or circumstance. But in general, how we carry ourselves, how we sit, how we stand, how we walk – all of this comes from years of experiences molding the way our body holds us. For example, if we’re shrunken and concave in our body posture – we learned this from somewhere as a safer way to exist in the world. To not show too much of ourselves or our bodies because that could lead to pain. So, our body will wisely and instinctually curl inward to protect us from more pain. The signals this can send out to others, though – maybe that we are self-centered, unapproachable, lack confidence, etc. It can create barriers to reaching where we ultimately would love to be in our relationships, careers, parenting, social connections, etc.

Becky talk to me about one or two most challenging things you have been through in your life and how you overcame it.

The first was losing my Dad suddenly to a heart attack when he was only 57 years old – the day before my 18th birthday and my first week at college away from home. How I survived was two parts: One was diving head first into the church I was invited out to and finding comfort, meaning, and purpose in my faith through my world turning upside down. The second was through hyper-achieving. The last thing I remember my mom saying to me after telling me Daddy had died was, “But Becky you can’t quit school. You have to keep going. You have to make your Daddy proud”. So, cue the next 15 years of seeking perfection / high achievement in school, in harsh fitness regimens, in my career, etc. It helped me survive for a while but it eventually led to a nervous system collapse / psychological break because I was constantly running – I didn’t know how to feel safe unless I was doing, accomplishing, producing. Somatic work saved my life and finally, after 15 years of losing my Dad, taught me how to be still and to feel safe in that stillness. To actually embody satisfaction and self-worth outside of what I was producing / not producing. The second most challenging thing I’ve experienced in my life was infidelity. Having already taken an early blow with the abandonment of my father – this previous relationship I was in was with someone I trusted, who I loved, and who I thought loved me. This person struggled with a pornography addiction and it slowly but surely escalated to physical betrayal. When that line was crossed, I was gutted, distraught, fragmented, all the things. At first, I tried to survive this like I did everything else, through hyper-achieving. I tried therapy, books, podcasts, etc. – nothing ever fully healed this wound until I stumbled upon somatic work. It was the missing puzzle piece that took decades of latent information and brought it to life in my body, in my nervous system, and in my life.

The post Becky Aste: Trauma-Informed Marriage Coach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Updated for 2026: Modern ROCE traditions, outfits, gifts, etiquette & celebration ideas.

What is a ROCE Ceremony?

The Roce ceremony is a ritual of an Indian wedding.

I love Indian weddings. The reason is that no Indian wedding is similar. There are Punjabi, Hindu, South Indian, Goan, Gujarati, Parsi, and Mangalorean weddings. Each wedding has its own rich rituals embedded deeply in cultural traditions that have special connotations and spiritual meaning. The traditions are passed down from generation to generation to connect couples to their ancestry. Mangalorean Catholics celebrate the Roce ceremony as a crucial pre-wedding tradition to purify the bride and bless her as she enters married life.

The ROCE is a symbolic, joyful, and often messy ritual that combines deep-rooted religious and cultural customs with familial love.

ROCE Meaning in Catholic Tradition

I was recently invited to Meira Dholakia’s Roce ceremony. The Roce ceremony is the Mangalorean/Goan Catholic equivalent of the Hindu Mehendi (Henna) or the Haldi (Turmeric) ceremony. The Roce ceremony is the most crucial and paramount pre-wedding custom in the Mangalorean Catholic community. Roce means juice. The freshly squeezed coconut milk is the main part of the ceremony.

Why Families Celebrate ROCE

Why is coconut milk used and what is the significance? Goa and Karnataka lie on the coastline of India. Coconut is an intrinsic, requisite, and indispensable part of the community. Roce represents purity and immaculate just like the white coconut milk. Coconut milk is a gift from God. The Roce ceremony is to show the reverence for God and our belief and credence in him. Oil is also used to imitate the Biblical era as leaders and kings were anointed with oil. The oil is also applied to Meira to bless her and to present her purity and holy to her groom. The Roce ceremony is a notable and profound purification rite to prepare Meira as she starts a new life.

Traditional ROCE Ceremony Timeline

The Roce ceremony is conducted by a female elder of the family also called the yejman. She explains the details of the ceremony and its significance. Meira and the bridesmaids are seated. On their left are the bowls of coconut milk and oil. A scripture from the Bible is read.

ROCE Outfit Ideas for Women

Meira is wearing the kirgi. It is Sapphire’s wedding saree, wrapped around the waist with a plain cotton blouse.

ROCE Ceremony Prayers or Blessings

The women now start singing the voviyos. These are traditional wedding songs of the Mangalorean Christian community focusing on the ethics, goals, principles, values, and morals of the community, the respect for elders, and the deep belief and respect for God.

Sapphire the mother of the bride is the first to apply the roce and oil on Meira. Sapphire makes a sign of the cross on Meira’s forehead. She also touches Meira’s ears with the oil to represent that she has a clear ear to listen to and understand her husband. Sapphire now takes the coconut milk and pours it on Meira’s head. Anuroop the father now blesses Meira.

Sapphire shares a few words of wisdom and invites the elders, family, and friends to bless the bride.

Finally, it is my turn to bless the bride. I am overwhelmed with emotions. When a daughter of a close friend gets married, you feel like your own daughter is getting married. All the cousins and friends have thrown enough oil and coconut milk over the girls. I am here to bless them. I bless her and wish her all the best.

Meira leaves along with the bridesmaids to go and have a shower. They come back and are ready to party.

I love the colors and vibrancy of the various clothes, the embroidery, and the gold lacing.

ROCE Food & Celebration Traditions

Now comes the favorite part. The buffet. Rice pilaf, black gram curry, chicken curry, vegetables, and naan. Did I mention desserts? I helped myself to a few desserts.

The Roce ceremony took place on a Sunday. The wedding reception was on Friday. There were many speeches. One sentence that Meira mentioned stood out to me. She said she wanted a destination wedding. She attended her cousin’s wedding in New Zealand and finally realized she wanted a wedding with all the customs and rituals.

I was so impressed with the Roce ceremony. I saw how close the family is. Family members came from New Zealand, U.S., and India.

In a fast post-modern world, it is important to maintain these traditions in our wedding ceremonies. They are symbolic enactment of important facets of married life. It gives the whole process meaning. It creates memories and has cultural significance. The cultural and religious symbolism is woven into the tapestry of our lives and we remain connected.

What happens during a ROCE ceremony?

A ROCE ceremony is a beautiful family and faith celebration where prayers, blessings, and traditional customs come together to honor a child’s spiritual journey. Families often gather at church for the religious portion and then continue the celebration with food, music, and time spent with loved ones. The ceremony reflects gratitude, community, and the importance of passing faith and traditions from one generation to the next.

What should you wear to a ROCE?

Most people wear modest and elegant clothing to a ROCE ceremony, similar to what you might choose for a baptism, communion, or church wedding. Women often wear dresses or traditional attire, while men typically wear dress shirts, suits, or smart casual clothing depending on the family’s customs. Soft colors, respectful styles, and comfortable shoes work best since celebrations may continue for several hours.

What gifts are appropriate for a ROCE?

Meaningful gifts are always appreciated for a ROCE celebration, especially items that reflect faith, family, and lasting memories. Popular choices include personalized keepsakes, religious jewelry, prayer books, photo frames, or financial gifts for the child’s future. Many guests also choose heartfelt cards with blessings and encouraging words that the family can treasure for years.

Is ROCE a Catholic tradition?

Yes, the ROCE ceremony is closely connected to Catholic traditions and is especially celebrated within Goan/Mangalorean Catholic communities. It represents an important milestone filled with faith, family unity, and cultural heritage. While customs may vary between families, the heart of the celebration remains centered on gratitude, blessings, and community.

How long does a ROCE ceremony last?

The church portion of a ROCE ceremony usually lasts between 30 minutes to an hour, depending on the parish and family traditions. Afterward, many families host a reception or gathering that can continue for several hours with meals, music, and celebration. The entire day often feels less like a formal event and more like a joyful family reunion wrapped in faith and tradition.

The post Roce Ceremony at an Indian Wedding appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

This will be my 25^th Valentine’s Day with my wife Debbie. I thought about writing a romantic poem or a nice quote about love and giving it to her. However, I want to share a few lessons I have learned from her in the last two decades. I want to be clear about something.  My wife is not perfect. She has her faults. There are times I have wanted to strangle my wife. Similarly, for any relationship to survive, you have to focus on the positive attributes of the other person.

Focus on the Positive

I am on a wing date on a bright sunny day in January 2000. We are at the Swiss Chalet. Oops… I forgot to explain what a wing date is. You must have heard about a wingman. To me, a wing date is where you have no interest in the person. You take her out because she will talk about it with other girls who you are interested in. I have zero interest in Debbie. I was thinking of setting her up with another friend of mine.

Debbie told her friends that I treated her well, opened the car door, and listened well. Hmmm…maybe she was exaggerating.

We humans have many faults. However, to have a long sustainable relationship on this planet, you have to focus on the positive attributes of the other person.

Be Open 

It is February 2000. My dating life is dead in the pond. Let me ask Debbie if she has any plans. She does not. For Valentine’s Day, we are in a greasy Indian restaurant in Islington and Albion. The owner and the waiter are more excited about the date than me. They have seen me come here as a single many times. You can see the look on their face that they are thinking this is a date. I realize this is the first time Debbie is trying Indian food. The washrooms were lousy, the table was not the greatest, and the food was spicy but I do get a card the next time I see her, thanking me for taking her out.

Express Gratitude

Over the next couple of months, we would go out once a month and Debbie always wrote me a note about what she liked on the date. It could be a joke, it could be the food, it could be the couple we hung out with.

This has been the biggest game-changer in my life. One of the first things I do daily is express my gratitude for being alive, living in a great country, doing the things I love, and having a wife and daughter.

Focus on What is Important

After we got engaged, we sit down and talked about our finances, some of our goals, and plans. Debbie tells me that the D-word does not exist in her vocabulary and her mother stayed at home. Similarly, Debbie wants to be a stay-at-home wife. I did struggle with this in the beginning, but I did realize the benefits of it, in the long run.

Life is short. Focus on what is important.

Keep Your Word

Once Debbie told me she wanted to stay at home, I did tell her that we would have to live within our means. In all our years of marriage, she has never really asked me for anything.

Remember in life, keep your word. Integrity is important.

Keep Emotions in Check

Debbie was a couple of months pregnant. After the appointment with the doctor, I was driving east on Finch Avenue. A car cut in front of me and was speeding. At Dufferin, the red lights came on. The car was in front of me. I got out of my car with a baseball bat and approached the driver. I gave him an earful about his driving. I felt all good as I walked back to my car. Debbie would be proud of me.

Debbie told me ‘Hon, I am a couple of months pregnant. The person in the car could have shot you, run you down, or hit you. You could be dead or injured. He could say you were attacking him. I would be left a widow’. Words of wisdom from my wife.

It hit me. Since then, no matter how someone has behaved on the road or in life, I have just bit my tongue counted to 10, and backed off.

Be Humble

It is Valentine’s Day in 2001. Debbie and I are officially dating. I am at a Valentine’s Day party in downtown with more than sixty couples.

The organizers come up with a game. All the couples will stand up. We have to have our backs against each other. The person on the mike asks a question. Only one person can raise their hand. If both raise their hands, you are out. It is all about how much we know each other. After every question, I raise my hand. Who has traveled more? Who has more taste in clothes? After about ten questions we are down to ten couples. I look around at the standing couples. Most of them are engaged.

The next question is about who spends more on clothes. I raise my hand. Eight couples are out. Now there are only two couples left. The next question is who is humbler? I keep my hand down. Debbie raises her hand. The other couple both raised their hands. We had won.

Debbie allowed me to shine that night. In life, pride, arrogance, and hubris lead to a downfall.

Do Not Keep a Record of Past Wrongs

For our honeymoon, we went to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco. In Seville, we did not have reservations for a hotel. After being in a cab for a while. I left Debbie in a spot until I could find a place. I found a nice hotel with a suite. However, I did not realize, it was more than an hour. I found her and she was in tears. She told me to never leave her alone like that ever again. In our 17 years of marriage, my wife has never brought up that episode ever again.

We are broken as humans. The people that love us the most, will hurt us the most. Do not keep a record of wrongs.

Serve

Debbie has gone out of her way to serve me. I will never forget, once she got up at 4 in the morning, and shoveled the driveway so I could leave at 6.30 am. She has gone out of her way to make sure everything was done so I could finish my MBA.

In life, when we serve, we are giving of ourselves to enrich the lives of other people.

Give Space

Debbie has always given me space to pursue my education, and hobbies, and hang out with other friends. This is healthy. In life, we need to give space to our friends, children, family, and spouse. I want to end by saying that Debbie is not a carpet. She voices her opinions when she needs to. She has helped me in many areas of my life where my blind spots were.

Please let me know what you have learned from your spouse.

The post 10 Lessons in 20 years that my wife has taught me appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.