#mentalhealth Archives - Four Columns of a Balanced Life

People Pleaser

admin — Tue, 12 Nov 2024 16:55:29 +0000

A people pleaser goes out of their way to make others happy to gain approval and acceptance. People pleasers often prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, sometimes to the detriment of their well-being. They may strongly desire to be liked, accepted, or validated by those around them and go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disagreement. People pleasers take being considerate and accommodating to an extreme at the expense of their own needs and boundaries and find it difficult to say no.

Lunch With a Friend

Recently, I had lunch with a friend whom I have known for a long time. His marriage had failed, his career was going nowhere, and he was renting a basement apartment. He thought he should have been further ahead in life, considering he was attending church.

I told him that the church he was attending had a culture of control and manipulation that fostered people-pleasing behaviors. Members were pressured to conform to strict expectations or behave in ways that reflected the leader’s authority or the group’s dogma, which can stifle individuality. This environment can lead to people-pleasing tendencies, where members feel compelled to seek approval or avoid disapproval from leaders and fellow members to maintain their standing within the group.

My friend was anxious and resentful of the past. His low self-esteem, fear of hurting others, pretending to agree with everything at the church, wanting everyone to like him, difficulty saying no, and craving praise led him to this path. He felt taken advantage of and did not know boundaries.

I had to remind my friend that, in all the time I’ve known him, he was a people pleaser. A healthy religious community typically encourages members to grow in their faith and make personal choices based on individual conviction, with leaders supporting rather than controlling them. His church overtly pushed for uniformity and obedience over personal growth, making people-pleasing a survival mechanism in that setting.

the key dangers associated with people-pleasing

Loss of Identity: Over lunch, we talked about how he was aligning with others’ wishes which led to him losing touch with his opinions, desires, and values. Over time, it became difficult to identify what he genuinely wanted, weakening his sense of self.

Burnout and Resentment: My friend often took on more than he could handle, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion.

Poor Boundaries: People-pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries, making it difficult to say ‘no.’ My friend became susceptible to others taking advantage, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Increased Stress and Anxiety: My insecure friend worried about others’ opinions or fear of conflict, creating a constant background of stress.

Sacrificed Goals and Dreams: People-pleasers may sideline their ambitions and dreams, deferring what truly matters to them when focusing on others. My friend never completed his education. It led to feelings of regret and unfulfillment over time.

Damaged Relationships: Ironically, people-pleasing can harm relationships. When people suppress their own needs and feelings to avoid conflict, they might build up resentment or frustration that later comes out unexpectedly, potentially damaging their relationships.

Declining Mental Health: The emotional toll of people-pleasing can increase feelings of low self-worth, depression, and chronic dissatisfaction. Self-neglect leads to a lack of personal fulfillment, which can worsen mental well-being over time.

If the church, which is supposed to be a safe place, without judgment or accusation can lead to people pleasing, what about our families, workplaces, and marriages?

Common Characteristics of Family People-Pleasers

People-pleasing tendencies in families stem from a desire for acceptance, conflict avoidance, or early family dynamics where children learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own. While trying to keep peace and harmony, these individuals might take on excessive responsibilities, and suppress their opinions, and needs. This tendency often stems from feeling that their worth is tied to how much they can give or support others.

People-pleasers avoid family conflicts, believing that voicing their needs or opinions might lead to discord. They’re quick to anticipate and fulfill others’ needs, often placing others’ comfort and happiness above their own. Many family people-pleasers find it difficult to say no to their loved ones, leading to an overwhelming schedule and stress. They often seek validation through acts of service or sacrifice, as this may be the only way they believe they’ll be accepted or loved.

In the long term, people-pleasers may feel resentment, burnout, or emotional exhaustion. They might feel that their needs are invisible, or that they’re only valued for what they can do for others.

Origins of People-Pleasing in Families

Parental Expectations: If parents are demanding or conditional with love and approval, a child feels that they must “earn” love by pleasing others.

Conflict-Prone Environments: Children from high-conflict or emotionally turbulent households might develop people-pleasing to avoid triggering conflicts.

Family Role Assignments: Certain members are expected to play specific roles such as being responsible or the peacemaker, and think they must continue in that role to feel accepted.

Cultural or Social Conditioning: Some cultures emphasize family loyalty and harmony, which can reinforce people-pleasing behaviors.

Significant impact on marriage

People-pleasing can have a significant impact on marriages, often introducing stress, imbalance, and resentment.

Loss of Authenticity: When one partner constantly aims to please, they suppress their needs, preferences, and true opinions. This can lead to a loss of authenticity and prevent genuine emotional intimacy.

Resentment and Frustration: The people-pleasing partner often feels unappreciated or even taken for granted.

Imbalance in Responsibility: People-pleasers take on too many responsibilities, often to maintain harmony or avoid conflict.

Avoidance of Conflict: Avoiding discussions on finances, boundaries, or personal needs only postpones the inevitable and can result in misunderstandings or blowups.

Neglect of Personal Growth: When someone is focused on meeting another’s needs, they often neglect their personal growth and goals. This can hinder their development and lead to a sense of unfulfillment, which can affect how they feel about the marriage overall.

Erosion of Trust: Authenticity and transparency are key to trust. If a people-pleaser says things to keep the peace rather than being honest, it can erode trust. The other partner may sense that they’re not being fully transparent, leading to doubts about their commitment or sincerity.

Healthy marriages require clear boundaries, honest communication, and a balance of giving and receiving. Addressing people-pleasing tendencies can improve marital dynamics, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.

People pleasing at work

People-pleasers prioritize pleasing others and seek approval, and can display certain strengths and weaknesses in the business world.

Strengths:

Good interpersonal skills: People-pleasers are often skilled at building relationships, maintaining a positive atmosphere, and creating a harmonious work environment.

Team collaboration: They are usually team players who strive to create a cooperative and supportive atmosphere.

Customer relations: In client-facing roles, people-pleasers may excel in customer service and relationship-building due to their desire to meet others’ needs and expectations.

Weaknesses:

Difficulty saying no: One of the main challenges for people-pleasers is the tendency to struggle with saying no, which can lead to overcommitment and burnout.

Conflict avoidance: People-pleasers may avoid conflict to maintain harmony, however, constructive conflict can be necessary for innovation and problem-solving.

Decision-making challenges: The fear of disappointing others might hinder their ability to make tough decisions.

Overcoming people-pleasing behavior

I had to remind my friend that he could build healthier boundaries and a stronger sense of self.

Recognize Your Triggers: Is it a particular situation, person, or environment? Being mindful of these triggers helps you understand the root cause of your people-pleasing habits.

Challenge Negative Beliefs: People-pleasing often stems from a need for validation or a fear of rejection. Identify negative beliefs, such as “If I don’t help, they won’t like me,” and question their accuracy.

Practice Saying “No”: Start small by saying “no” to requests or invitations that aren’t important to you.

Set Clear Boundaries: Define and communicate what behaviors are acceptable.

Focus on Self-Worth: Remember that your worth doesn’t depend on others’ opinions.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build relationships with people who respect your boundaries and encourage you to be authentic.

Seek Professional Help if Needed: Talking with a therapist or counselor can provide deeper insights and strategies for overcoming the issue.

Remember, being kind and helping others is a strength, but not when it consistently undermines your needs. Building a balanced approach to helping others while caring for yourself will ultimately make you more effective and fulfilled.

The post People Pleaser appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Live a Life Beyond Fears

admin — Wed, 13 Dec 2023 13:58:38 +0000

Living a life beyond fears is a powerful and transformative journey that involves both self-reflection and intentional action.

It is critical to identify and acknowledge the specific fears that hold you back. Explore the origins of your fears and understand how they may be rooted in past experiences or limiting beliefs. Embrace the reality of your fears without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means acknowledging your feelings without letting them control you. Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that contribute to your fears. Develop and repeat positive statements that counteract your fears.

Take small, incremental steps to confront your fears rather than trying to overcome them all at once. Enlist the help of friends, family, or a therapist to provide encouragement and guidance as you face your fears. Instead of viewing failures as roadblocks, see them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Remember that overcoming fear is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to seek professional help if needed. A therapist or counselor can offer guidance and support as you work towards living a life beyond fear.

Cindy Moore is a unique blogger and has a unique take on life. She focuses on living life beyond fears, limitations, and her comfort zone and embraces a sense of wonderment and adventure. She recently started a healing journey. She changed her diet and has become healthy. Cindy shares some amazing experiences and her path to living a fulfilled life.

Cindy, help me understand what it means when you say you are a woman on a journey and living life beyond fears?

I spent most of my life living in fear, playing it safe, and staying well within my comfort zone. Two deaths, close together, helped me to realize that I no longer wanted to spend another moment of my life living in fear and playing it safe. My journey began as an inner one with facing my fears. My decision to move beyond my comfort zone launched a year of trying a new experience every day. My blogging journey began simultaneously as a way to chronicle those new experiences.

You talk a lot about enchantment, surrender, and inspiration. Break it down for me?

After moving beyond my comfort zone, by trying new experiences, my whole life opened up. I recognized that life is meant to be experienced as a magical or enchanted journey and that the Divine offers help and guidance for that journey. I see life differently than I used to and I see signs and wonders everywhere that delight me and encourage me to keep going. Every day I have ongoing conversations with the Divine that lead me to new people, opportunities, and yes, experiences. Surrender involves letting go of the familiar and allowing myself to be carried, in the “Flow of Life”, to those new people, opportunities, and experiences. It involves trust and builds a sense of adventure. I know I’ve moved out of the flow of life when I feel resistance to an opportunity or experience.

Please explain what it means to live beyond fears, limitations, and comfort zone?

Living Beyond, for me, means to move past those fears, limitations, and comfort zones by trusting that the journey meant for me is for my greatest and highest good and also for the good of others in my life. Fear shuts me down and stops me from moving forward. Living Beyond opens me up to possibilities and expands my thinking and perspective so that I can see life in a bigger way. As fresh opportunities arrive, I say “yes”, which moves me beyond my comfort zone as I try new things. Limitations are old ways of thinking and doing things. Going Beyond means I’m willing to open to new ways of thinking and doing things. Comfort zones keep us safe and also keep us from trying something that feels scary or uncomfortable. I believe in living beyond fears.

Give me some examples of embracing a sense of wonderment and adventure?

Embracing wonderment and adventure means living with a higher awareness of all that is going on in my life and seeing the connectedness of all things. Two years ago, I played a game that I created, in which I wrote 30 different activities on slips of paper and dropped them into a jar. Each day I drew out an activity and did it. What I quickly realized was that the activities, drawn at random, perfectly matched the amount of time I had each day or, amazingly, the weather. I only had two rainy day activities in the jar. I drew both of them on the only two rainy days I had during the month. What are the odds of that? That’s wonderment and that’s trust. It’s also the Divine at work in my life. When I asked the Divine, in amazement, “Do you want to play with me?”, the answer I received back was “Do you want to play with ME?” My answer was YES and my life hasn’t been the same since.

What is the main reason for your blog and what are you trying to achieve?

The purpose of Cindy Goes Beyond is to help readers realize that life can be lived at the edges…of comfort zones, limitations and fears. We can live BIG lives and experience joy, wonderment, and enchantment if we develop higher awareness. I share posts around nature, gardening, travel, and the inner journey…all with the intention of helping others to see what an enchanted life looks like.

Talk to me about some challenges you have been through and how you dealt with it and are thriving?

I grew up very fearful of many things. However, my primary fear was to live as the person I was created to be. I am an intuitive and yet I feared my abilities and tried to separate that “weird” part of me from my “normal” self. That didn’t work. It only shut down my creative side. Moving past my fears and accepting myself exactly as I am opened the door to my creative side again. And I moved beyond my fears by facing them and sitting with them and exploring my intuitive side. As I learned more about who I am and what I can do, the fears subsided.

Give yourself some advice when you were 16, 26, and 36?

Age 16: Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Spend your teen years getting to know yourself. And don’t be so concerned about what other people think. Be you, without hiding, without pretending to be someone else, just so people will feel comfortable around you. You are afraid because you don’t understand who you are.

Age 26: Enjoy these years with your young family. Encourage your son and daughters to be fully who they are, by showing them who you are. They will follow your example. Continue to invest in yourself by doing the things that bring you joy.

Age 36: This is your time to shine, as a woman. Banish any lingering fears and self-doubts and pursue the life you want. Know fully what your purpose in life is and don’t let anything get in your way as you live from that place of intentional being.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Empowerment for women starts with complete acceptance of who we are. It’s an inner journey that manifests as an outer journey. We must learn to parent ourselves, if we had bad parents, and love ourselves deeply and fully if our spouses/lovers have not done that for us. We cannot look to others to do these things for us. We set ourselves free, and the people in our lives free, when we do not need acceptance and love to come from outside ourselves. Once we are free, we can help to free others to live extraordinary lives.

Give my female audience three pieces of advice?

Accept yourself completely. The journey to self-love begins with self-acceptance. Love yourself fully by embracing who you are and then really live from that space. Be you…and find the things that you enjoy doing. That is your passion.

Pursue your passion. Share your passion with others as you journey and you will make a difference in the lives of others.

How important are food, faith, finance, and family to you? How do you find a balance and prioritize among them?

They are all connected. The food we eat provides the building blocks for our bodies. The foods we choose can nourish and heal…or they can slowly poison us to death by fostering disease. I embraced a plant-based lifestyle three years ago, to heal my body of various ailments. There is no turning back for me. I am healthier than I have ever been and living life beyond fears has helped.

A second blog, Journey With Healthy Me was born from that decision to take charge of my health and help others do the same. I’ve discovered that as I healed, my desire increased to help others heal, and then even further out, I developed a deep desire to heal the planet as well. Faith is extremely important to me. I believe God, or the Divine, guides me daily. I listen through prayer and meditation but I also receive through songs, random conversations, signs, and intuition. Finances, or money, comes as we connect with who we are and do that which we are created to do. My family is my legacy. My children and grandchildren learn by my example and through our conversations. It is important for me to live a joy-filled, enchanted life so that they have “permission” to do the same.

The post Live a Life Beyond Fears appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Becky Aste: Trauma-Informed Marriage Coach

admin — Thu, 14 Sep 2023 13:57:21 +0000

Becky Aste has made me look at marriage from the perspective of trauma.

This month I will complete 22 years of marriage. I am fascinated by marriage.

I have looked at communication in marriage, and have interviewed authors, psychotherapists, pastors, and people in general about marriage.

Four Columns believes in having a holistic approach to marriage.

Becky Aste is a trauma-informed marriage coach, CEO of I Do Breakthrough, and the host of Your Breakthrough Blueprint Podcast. Her podcast is ranked in the top 10% of podcasts globally.

A friend of mine was being interviewed on her podcast and she posted it on Facebook. I listened to it and was mesmerized. I listened to a couple of her podcasts and I was like Becky is on to something. I reached out to her and she answered right away. She sent me the answers to the interview in less than a week.

This interview has made me look at my own traumas and how it has changed me. Go on Becky Aste’s podcast and listen to it. It will change you.

I have never heard of a trauma-informed marriage coach. Walk me through what it means.

I’m a marriage coach who has been through unique training to know how to understand and recognize the role of trauma in my clients’ healing journey – particularly how our bodies keep the score of the trauma we’ve survived and how to go into the body to move trauma OUT.

Talk to me about what trauma is and how it impacts us in our daily lives.

Trauma is anything that overwhelms our nervous systems’ ability to cope. Life-threatening events like an accident, house fires, assaults, wars, etc. are commonly referred to as “Big T traumas”. Think “Too big, too fast, too soon”. Experiences that threaten our core sense of love, belonging, and safety like infidelity, emotional neglect, and psychological or emotional abuse are often referred to as “Little t traumas”. Think “Death by a thousand paper cuts” or “The challenges suffered in silence”.

We all have physical, emotional, mental and psychological wounds. Help me understand why we need to be intentional in dealing with these wounds to lead an authentic, abundant, and empowered life.

Yes, unfortunately, none of us make it out of this life unscathed whether that be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or psychological wounds. Our body remembers and stores these wounds in the subconscious blueprint of our nervous system to protect us from any similar, harmful situations in the future. This is where we see our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses- our body signaling there is potential danger. This is the fantastic wisdom of our body – there to protect us. The problem arises when we get caught in these responses and can’t move back into a regulated state of homeostasis even after the danger has passed. Our system either gets stuck “On” (As seen in hyper-achieving, anxiety, and restlessness) or shut “off”. (Depression, adrenal fatigue, isolation). When we get stuck in this survival response, it can lead to blocks in our core relationships, interfere with our work & diminish our ability to live a life of joy, meaning, connection, and pleasure.

You talk a lot about somatic mindfulness on social media. I am aware of mindfulness but where does somatic play a role?

The word “Somatic” simply means pertaining to the body, especially in contrast to the mind. Mindfulness means living in the present moment. Essentially, it means being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment. Somatic mindfulness creates a mind-body integration where it has been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show. This kind of therapeutic work softens and reduces the hyper-vigilant threat response and hyper-arousal in the nervous system.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You are guilty of sin. You are guilty of this and that. Our religious, and educational landscape thrives on making us guilty. I want a way out. Help me.

Exactly. On a global scale, the human race is unconsciously breathing in the silent but deadly toxic fumes of shame and breathing it out on everyone around us. I truly believe the single source of all human suffering is a severed sense of love and belonging – exactly where shame makes its entrance as we are all doing our best to cope with our collective human suffering and then turning to self-blame for those coping cocktails of choice. The answer is radical self-compassion and self-acceptance. Learning to dissolve shame at the smallest.

I have traveled all over the world, and am open and curious. Do I have an advantage over someone who is close-minded and legalistic?

Curiosity is everything. It gives space to breathe again which gives space to live. Which is what healing is all about – learning to live again after surviving for so long. The foundational piece of the client journey I take any woman on is releasing the constricting energy of “muscling through it” and inviting her into the paradigm of a “Curious Explorer”. Instead of drawing black-and-white conclusions and making meaning of everything… she’s invited to look at life, self, and triggers through the lens of “Hmm, how interesting.” Those we may deem as “Closed-minded” and “Legalistic” I think can also be viewed as caught in their own survival patterns, caught in their own fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of dishonoring God. Fear of losing love and belonging if they don’t follow the rules …

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Out of the remaining fifty percent, only two percent are emotionally connected. These stats are alarming. What is going on?

The mainstream modalities for healing a marriage are: “Go see a therapist. Go to couples counseling. Read this book. Listen to this podcast. Check out this Instagram page. Read this article…” and the list goes on. None of these are bad, but when you understand how our nervous system works it’s a real eye-opener into why all of these fall short, leaving couples emotionally disconnected at best- or worst-case scenario, divorced when they both actually wanted the marriage to work but didn’t know how to repair. If there’s nothing else people remember from this entire article I want them to remember this: We all have a giant nerve running from the base of our skull to the bottom of our spine known as the “Vagus Nerve”. Think of it like the super highway of information sending chemical messages from our brain to our body, body to our brain. Get this … only 20% of these messages travel from our brain to our body. But 80% travel from our BODY to our brain. All that to say, all the most popular avenues we’ve taken for decades to save our marriages have only been tapping into that 20%. So, it’s no wonder we all feel like salmon swimming upstream and the divorce rate just keeps skyrocketing. When we learn to work WITH the 80%, get INTO the body to move trauma OUT – this is where we see miracles happen. I get to witness it every single day in my community, women not only recovering but redesigning the marriage of their dreams after the brink of divorce, after betrayal, after abuse, abandonment, separation, etc.

Betrayal…….in friendships, relationships, business, and marriages can have a devastating impact on us. You talk about healing our nervous system. Help me understand this process.

Betrayal’s impacts on the nervous system can be absolutely devastating. Symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares and impaired sleeping, depression, anxiety, brain fog, dropping things, distrust, dissociation, are common. Betrayed partners often feel as if their reality has been shaken to its core. Repairing the nervous system is absolutely key here – for that person to learn how to move back into regulation, safety, and self-trust. Releasing stuck energy and learning to “ground” can serve as the most helpful initial baby steps in this process of repair. Releasing stuck energy can look like shaking (I know sounds crazy, but it’s actually very natural – we’re just conditioned not to do it. Animals, after facing something life-threatening or scary will literally shake as a way to release cortisol, adrenaline, and trauma from the body.) Another release is what I like to call “Sacred Rage”. When you’ve been betrayed you might feel like you want to scream at the top of your lungs, hurt the one who betrayed you, punch that person in the face, etc. – these can be terrifying feelings to feel but there is a healthy way to release all of this instead of locking it inside. Some clients have created a safe, private space to take a baseball bat or gold club and just whacked the crap out of some intimate objects, punch a pillow or lock themselves in their car while they blast some music and scream at the top of their lungs. Grounding techniques- you can google that and find a million but it’s everything from walking barefoot on the earth to cold plunges to breathing techniques to tapping into your 5 senses. These grounding tools help move you from that activated fight/flight/freeze response back into safety and rest.

I want to know what it means to approach every area of our lives through abundance.

The first thing that comes to mind is going to sound cliche but it’s learning to practice authentic gratitude for whatever little you do have right here, right now. To live in abundance requires healing and rewiring from this scarcity of programming. Whether that is with money, marriage, time, health, etc. – but I’ll just use money as an example here. I tell my son all the time “Ollie, you want to know the trick to having more money? Be super grateful for the money that you have and more will come.” I never used to think like this. Money felt scarce my whole life. I knew how to make money but didn’t know how to keep it. I avoided the numbers in my bank account. I complained we didn’t have enough. I laughed and identified as broke. Then I went through a major money-healing journey where I rewired my nervous system from hustling out of hunger to receiving more and more with gratitude, learning how to steward it with integrity, and repairing intimacy in my own energetic relationship with money just like one would do in a marriage. It was one of the most downloaded podcast episodes I’ve done if you want to hear the full story here.

Identity and body posture. Come on Becky. Seriously. You have got me all self-conscious.

Ha! Body posture can tell us SO much about how we really view ourselves and how the world around us perceives us. Of course, with exceptions for those with debilitating health conditions that come from a purely physical root or circumstance. But in general, how we carry ourselves, how we sit, how we stand, how we walk – all of this comes from years of experiences molding the way our body holds us. For example, if we’re shrunken and concave in our body posture – we learned this from somewhere as a safer way to exist in the world. To not show too much of ourselves or our bodies because that could lead to pain. So, our body will wisely and instinctually curl inward to protect us from more pain. The signals this can send out to others, though – maybe that we are self-centered, unapproachable, lack confidence, etc. It can create barriers to reaching where we ultimately would love to be in our relationships, careers, parenting, social connections, etc.

Becky talk to me about one or two most challenging things you have been through in your life and how you overcame it.

The first was losing my Dad suddenly to a heart attack when he was only 57 years old – the day before my 18th birthday and my first week at college away from home. How I survived was two parts: One was diving head first into the church I was invited out to and finding comfort, meaning, and purpose in my faith through my world turning upside down. The second was through hyper-achieving. The last thing I remember my mom saying to me after telling me Daddy had died was, “But Becky you can’t quit school. You have to keep going. You have to make your Daddy proud”. So, cue the next 15 years of seeking perfection / high achievement in school, in harsh fitness regimens, in my career, etc. It helped me survive for a while but it eventually led to a nervous system collapse / psychological break because I was constantly running – I didn’t know how to feel safe unless I was doing, accomplishing, producing. Somatic work saved my life and finally, after 15 years of losing my Dad, taught me how to be still and to feel safe in that stillness. To actually embody satisfaction and self-worth outside of what I was producing / not producing. The second most challenging thing I’ve experienced in my life was infidelity. Having already taken an early blow with the abandonment of my father – this previous relationship I was in was with someone I trusted, who I loved, and who I thought loved me. This person struggled with a pornography addiction and it slowly but surely escalated to physical betrayal. When that line was crossed, I was gutted, distraught, fragmented, all the things. At first, I tried to survive this like I did everything else, through hyper-achieving. I tried therapy, books, podcasts, etc. – nothing ever fully healed this wound until I stumbled upon somatic work. It was the missing puzzle piece that took decades of latent information and brought it to life in my body, in my nervous system, and in my life.

The post Becky Aste: Trauma-Informed Marriage Coach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The Instinctive and Logical Stages of Grief

admin — Fri, 06 Jan 2023 18:22:31 +0000

The instinctive and logical stages of grief are a natural response to loss.

On a cold, frigid Monday in February 2018, I got a call from a close university friend asking me to have lunch with him. We decided to have lunch on Thursday. He died that same day. The most difficult day of my life was being at his funeral.

In 2016, my best and closest friend in the business world died of Cancer. In 2017, a high school friend died of a heart attack.

The instinctive and logical stages of grief took over me. I experienced a deep loss.

The definition of grief is the instinctive and normal physical, spiritual, social, intellectual, and emotional reaction to loss. I was crying, could not focus, felt tight in my throat, lacked an appetite, and became angry with my friend.

Freud was the trailblazer in researching the instinctive and logical stages of grief. I experience the five stages of loss as per Kubler-Ross. I was shocked, angry, bargained for the reason it happened, became sad, and took me a while to accept it. I had to learn from this experience.

John Bowlby posited the Attachment Theory, whereby humans develop relationships and bonds. Humans experience grief which is a natural, instinctive, and natural reaction to loss. It is critical to accept your natural response. You have to balance it or if you suppress it, it could result in anxiety, irritation, anger, resentment, bitterness, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I had to take the approach of William Worden. The best way to deal with grief is to accept it. I had to work through the pain. I had to accept the new reality and deal with the loss.

When you are in a dark hole, the easiest route is to numb the pain with drugs, food, work, and alcohol. It might work in the short term but is detrimental in the long run. If you do not deal with the instinctive and logical stages of grief, you will never come out of the dark hole.

Four Columns believes in being empowered and dealing with the instinctive and logical stages of grief. I strongly suggest that you give yourself time, it is a process, talk to friends and family, practice self-care, take part in activities that give you joy and pleasure, join a support group and finally get professional help.

Thomas Nolte is a Grief Recovery Specialist, driving all over North America, helping people deal with the instinctive and logical stages of grief. Thomas is real, and vulnerable and shares his own journey about grief.

Help me understand what grief is.

Thank you for asking, Jerry. Since, generally speaking, we mostly avoid the subject of grief and loss or consider it only in connection with losing a loved one, grief is often experienced, yet remains unrecognized. We experience grief and loss daily. Therefore, it is so helpful to know that that’s what is happening and how we can deal with grief. Let me share some definitions that make this clear. First off, grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind and is experienced in conflicting emotions that can be tough to deal with. The definition that works best for me is this one: every time I want something different, better, or more, I experience grief. This results in a sense of feeling “incomplete”, of having unfinished business, regrets, feeling depressed, bitter, or stressed. Once we know this and recognize grief in us and others, we no longer need to react with anger, fear or depression, nor want to fix something or someone, but will feel compassion and a sense of acceptance, and the event that causes grief does not need to disable us or define our choices or affect how we feel.

Walk me through your role as a grief recovery specialist.

As a grief recovery specialist, I teach about grief and loss and guide grievers to understand what it is, what myths surround grief, and how we act out trying to deal with it, and I educate others on how to live with grief in such a way that it does not burden us nor impact our relationships and our future negatively.

This is practically achieved by learning about and practicing a series of practical steps, identifying the losses in our lives, evaluating each relationship and learning to forgive where needed, accept responsibility for our own shortcomings and apologize where needed, and say “goodbye” to the pain in written form.

I also speak at events to help participants to identify grief and learn how to respond, how to listen and what not to do or say, and not to fear the subject but become a “heart with ears”, willing to listen and share the moment with someone who is grieving.

Grief is something we learn to live with, not something we overcome. Am I right here?

You are right, Jerry. Grief is always experienced in a relationship, and yes, we don’t get “over” grief, forget what happened or what someone did or didn’t do, condone the hurt someone caused, nor have to go through “stages of grief” as often assumed incorrectly. We need to learn to say “goodbye” to the pain, not the relationship. We all grieve at times and that’s okay, normal, and healthy. With proper understanding and practice, we learn to identify grief, explore the conflicting feelings we have and “complete” what was left incomplete due to the loss event. After we process our losses in this way, we can live with them in a way that they do not impact future choices, nor do we have to carry our pain into the future.

Talk to me about people who never deal with their grief. What are some of the repercussions?

Not dealing with grief is like carrying a heavy load of rocks (I like to call them “rocks of grief”) in an imaginary backpack that weighs us down and gets heavier over time, limiting our ability to love God, love others, and ourselves. It can lead to outbursts of anger, living in fear of future losses and disappointments, and can make us bitter, rather than better. We end up building a wall around our hearts in fear of getting hurt again and can block out many blessings in life that God has in store for us. This will negatively impact all our relationships and our self-image.

Tell my audience about your own grieving process, and how you deal with grief.

I used to believe that I had to just deal with whatever loss or grief came my way, find a way through it, trust, pray and believe in a positive outcome. Or try to figure out what stage of grief I am in and how to get over it, often feeling at a loss and burdened even more with my failing efforts. I ended up often believing that I am just stressed and needed rest or a change, and as a result, I moved somewhere or started a new career, etc. Now I pause, listen and take the time to identify and validate what I feel. Accepting that what I feel is okay and important wasn’t always easy for me, nor encouraged by others, as emotions seem to get in the way of performing well or pleasing others. Now I allow the emotions I feel, recognize that what I feel is normal, that grief is normal and that rather than considering what is right or wrong, I now look for what I want different, better, or more. In this way my heart stays calm, I feel understood, and I have friends and family who will listen and accept me where I am, helping me sort out my emotions so that I can accept the conflicting emotions as normal until I work through them. The practical steps of dealing with grief and loss offered by the Grief Recovery Method work amazingly well, resulting in saying ‘goodbye” to the pain in a relationship, not the relationship itself.

You have had varied careers. Why become a grief recovery specialist?

God led me to this field after having to retire early due to severe medical issues. Having adopted 2 children and being offered training by a friend to help children grieve, I learned about the documented success of the “Grief Recovery Method” and experienced how well it works in our own family. I decided to become certified as a Specialist so I can share what I learned and experienced, and it has been very rewarding.

Thomas, does your own life experience help you to guide others through the grieving process?

Absolutely, Jerry. Though we can never really know what someone else feels or is going through, it helps to know grief firsthand and how to deal with it before helping others. At the age of 21 I started having difficulties walking, and at 28 had to give up my dream career of being a fighter pilot. Later my wife and I were unable to have children and went through years of pain and loss in her trying to get pregnant. We moved many times including from the US to Germany, Germany to Canada as well as many times in between, having to start over many times, even in new cultures. I lost both my parents recently, our beloved dog, and still experienced chronic pain and disabilities, despite being blessed to travel and share what I have learned.

Every human being experiences loss at some point in their life. I am a big believer in dealing with it but also learning, growing, and helping other people through that loss. Is this the correct approach?

Yes. I agree. Sharing with others what we learn, and experience can be very rewarding and also help us to grow in our understanding. I often suggest buying the “Grief Recovery Handbook” and start reading it. It is eye-opening and a great conversation starter and explains and guides through the practical steps to deal with grief and loss.

How do you take care of yourself after dealing with a tough situation?

I now allow myself to experience it, find someone safe to share what I am feeling, and process grief in a helpful way, having grace and compassion for myself. I can be the perpetual “fixer”. Knowing there is nothing to be “fixed” helps me relax and stay in the moment. I enjoy the outdoors, time to pray and read, time to exercise, and love deep conversations and heartfelt relationships where I can be open about my life, struggles, and fears and where I can listen to others share.

The post The Instinctive and Logical Stages of Grief appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Reflections on mental health and parenting

admin — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 05:00:29 +0000

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

– What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

– Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

– Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

– What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

– What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag.

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Self Care: Taking Care of Yourself

admin — Mon, 03 Jan 2022 05:00:24 +0000

What is self-care? Self-care is the intentional and concerned process of taking care of and improving your mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health with a balanced lifestyle. During this pandemic, it can be stressful and self-care is important. I strongly recommend that you eat well, sleep 8 hrs a day, maintain your social network, exercise, take care of your spiritual needs, have financial security and focus on the end of the tunnel.

Self-care is taking care of yourself and it is very important.

I have gone to the gym and eaten healthily for most of my life. I have taken care of my finances. These are examples of self-care. One area I was neglecting was my emotional self-care. I volunteered as a financial counselor, helped many friends go through a divorce and their own emotional challenges. I neglected boundaries and realized my gifts are not in the area of counseling and giving emotional support. I was burned out and it was impacting my marriage and parenting.

We can embrace busyness because that is the status symbol. We try to be busy so that we can feel important. I have learned to say NO to a lot of volunteer and other positions offered to me. I had to have a holistic approach to life.

The moment we align our goals, values, and ethos with our job, friends, charitable giving, and the various organizations that we are part of, cognitive dissonance disappears. We are happy. We live a purpose-driven life. Everything makes sense.

Over the next couple of weeks, this is what I want you to do. The job you have. Do you love it? Are you passionate about it? Does it work with your core competence and skillsets? The friends you have. Are they toxic? Do you hang out with them because of your own insecurity? Are they taking you to where you want to go in life? What about where you live, where you worship, and other organizations that you are part of?

I am asking you to take an inventory of where you are at. We get so caught up in financial net worth that we forget about our emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual worth? What is your identity?

It is 2022. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Josie D is the creator behind The Cheetah Buzz, a unique lifestyle blog on fashion, beauty, and travel. I catch up with her and talk about personal style, beauty trends, and self-care.

Josie, I am excited to talk to you about fashion, travel, and beauty. I want to know something about you?

Thank you so much for interviewing little ole’ me. I feel so humbled and blessed for this opportunity! One thing about me is that I was born in Accra, Ghana and I came to the United States when I was 6 ½ years old. I believe it will be about 22 years since I’ve been living in the States. I’m also a big fan of yellow cake and anything sweet!

I like The Cheetah Buzz. How did the name come about?

Thank you so much! During my freshman year of college, while I was chilling in my friend’s dorm room, her roommate busted in and told me I looked like a cheetah when I smiled lol. I thought it was really funny and it just stuck in my head. In 2017, when I started a portfolio of my pictures on Instagram, I named it The Cheetah Buzz and that snowballed over to the name of my blog!

I want to know how does one find our own personal style and not get caught following the crowd?

One thing I always stress is figuring out what colors you like to see yourself in, from there, you can build and figure out what textures and fabrics to gravitate towards. My recent blog post about finding your personal style touches more about this topic. To stand out from the crowd, it’s also important to not follow trends as they come and go, but instead be comfortable in doing your own thing. Let people copy off of your style not you copy of off theirs. Be a trendsetter!

Give women some tips on how they can dress better?

One way to learn how to dress better is to download fashion apps like the Combyne app and the Closet Love app. These apps will help you create and style different outfits so you can see which shirts, jeans, shoes, and accessories pair well together. Once you do that, then you can implement some of those ideas into your own closet and see what pairs well together there. Another tip is to pick one accessory such as a pair of shoes or a silver necklace and create a look around that one item. You can turn this into a fun challenge!

My daughter is 16. What are some self-care drug store products she must own?

When I was 16, I wish I had the Clean & Clear Day & Night Face Wash 2 Pack to keep the pimples away. This product is both oil-free and hypoallergenic. Also, at this age, I was experimenting with lots of makeup, so the Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Wipes and the Lypsyl Lip Balm always came in handy. The wipes removed all of my makeup and the lip balm kept my lips super moisturized.

What are the beauty trends for 2021?

I’m not really sure what the beauty trends for 2021 will be as 2020 has been a stay at home look for a lot of people due to the lockdown. But what I’m hoping is less is more and loving the skin you’re in will be the beauty trend for women in 2021. Based on what I see on social media, fashion runways, and in music videos, it looks like lip glosses, defined eyebrows, colorful makeup, bejeweled eyes, and big lashes are staying strong; so maybe they might roll over into 2021.

Self-care, Self-love is not selfish. Please comment?

If something or outside forces are hurting your mental health and overall wellbeing, it’s definitely not selfish to put yourself first and treat yourself back to health. What good are you to others or to society if you don’t take good care of yourself or even love yourself? When you take care of yourself first, then you’ll be more productive in helping others, and that for sure is not selfish.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you and what is it not?

Women’s empowerment is uplifting and fixing another woman’s crown when you see it tilt. This can refer to a lot of things. When you see, hear or read that another woman is going through some hard times or is feeling weak, reach out and lend an ear to them and let her know that you got her back and you are there to listen.

Woman empowerment is speaking out on issues that are hurting or will cause a problem for other women in the community. Woman empowerment does not mean bringing other women down so you can make yourself feel better. It’s also not being envious of other woman’s achievements or successes just because you are not successful yourself. I like to be in the mindset of when one woman is successful at something, we (women as a whole) are all successful too.

Talk to me a little bit about Ghana. I want to know about its vibrant culture and food scene?

Ghana is a beautiful country. I recently traveled to my hometown of Accra, Ghana back in 2018. My sister and I stayed in a local city called Agbogba. The streets were filled with tons of cars, buses, taxis, and lots of vendors trying to sell people things. There were tons of palm trees nearby and the sand was like a beautiful dark, orange-brown color. The houses were big and beautifully made with their own personalities. People were always smiling and happy about life. It’s definitely a great place to retire lol.

The locals spoke a lot of different languages including Ga, Twi, Ewe, and English of course. I believe the food was the best part of Ghana. You had a wide variety of savory foods to choose from like fufu with palm nut stew, banku with okra stew and crab, jollof rice with lots of goat meat, and kenkey with shito and fried fish, among many others.

I was never a people pleaser. I sleep better. You talk a lot about how people-pleasing can be destructive. Walk me through how it can be harmful?

Lol lucky you! Yes, I have always been a people pleaser since I was little. I think it was just embedded in me to be that way as a child. I was always taught to follow orders and help people out whether I wanted to or not. If I didn’t and told someone no, the guilt I would feel almost made doing the thing for that person better than the feeling of telling them no.

As a people pleaser, it hurt my personal self-care because I always put others’ needs before my own which made me rely upon and put my trust in people. And then when people would disappoint me, the hurt cut through me more than anything — and that is the destructive part about it. Now as a recovering people pleaser, I know I cannot put my trust in others anymore and I cannot be afraid to say no especially if hinders my mental health or overall wellbeing.

I love the fact that you talk about positive affirmation. Share a little about that?

Positive affirmations are so powerful! When you recite positive affirmations, the words can shift your perspective on how you see yourself. Though your circumstances or surroundings may be poor, if you tell yourself I am rich every day, you will start to believe that and that can manifest into you finding ways to become rich or make you look at different parts of your life in a positive way and know that you are rich in other ways: you are rich in health, rich in life, and rich because you have a family that loves you and so forth. Positive affirmations can make a world of difference.

The post Self Care: Taking Care of Yourself appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Healing Emotional Wounds

admin — Sat, 18 Dec 2021 15:03:06 +0000

Emotional wounds are not the same as physical wounds.

My body is scarred with physical wounds. I played squash for 15 years. Every muscle, ligament, and bone was torn or sprained at some point. The family doctor and the physiotherapist told me to give it up and focus on swimming and walking. I have cuts, bruises, and gashes all over my body from years of being a boxer, playing soccer, and playing pranks. All the physical wounds have healed.

Emotional wounds, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Emotional wounds can result from watching a crime, bankruptcy, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, car accident, emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical abuse, death of a loved one, or any traumatic situation. The symptoms are a change in personality, lack of joy, lack of interest in life, loneliness, anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and anxiety.

You have to become intentional in healing these wounds by assessing them, cleaning them, stitching them, bandaging them and taking care of them, and being aware of trigger points.

I am super excited to present Lesa Henderson to my readers.

Lesa Henderson is a dynamic, candid, inspirational speaker, minister, author, and filmmaker.

Her transparency and straightforward approach coupled with prophetic insight place her in great demand for conferences and churches.

Her passion for Christ and desire to see wounded women restored and healed through the power and love of God comes across in her books, blogs, sermons, and teaching. It has also led her to minister healing for soul wounds & emotional trauma of women in prison, as well as to lead Women Warriors of God Conferences around the nation; where she and the Warrior’s team are seeing countless women set free both physically and emotionally.

Lesa and her husband, Ken are revivalists who pastor Salt Life Church on Merritt Island, FL, where they also lead Cornerstone Global Ministries & Media and are the founders of Cornerstone School of Supernatural Ministry.

Lesa, a pleasure to have you. There is so much I want to ask you. Let’s start by talking about Christmas. I am a big fan of focusing on His Presence rather than presents. How is Christmas relevant to us in the 21st Century?

I’m a big fan of focusing on that as well. We live in such a commercialized, material world that it’s easy to lose that focus and get caught up in the shopping, spending madness. This year we are celebrating Hannukah as well as Christmas, each night we light a candle we focus on inviting Christ – the light of the world to be a light in our home and lives. Whatever you celebrate, it’s relevant when you make the focus be on Christ. Especially now in this economy and the times we are living in. It’s actually more relevant than ever I believe as we approach His soon return.

The world is hurting. COVID 19 has exacerbated the situation. You talk about giving your hurts, pains, and brokenness to God. Walk me through this process? Should I just read my Bible, trust God and pray about it?

Yes. It is that simple. And yet as simple as this is – we struggle doing it. Or at least I do. It’s much easier for me to worry, fret and lose sleep over the hurts and pains. But God really does want us to bring them to Him. And reading the Word is one of the key steps in the process for me. It reminds me of the truth – His Word is truth. It helps me to overcome the fear and lies I am believing. It reminds me of His faithfulness. In my prayer time, I’m very honest with God – He knows anyway, so for example I may say, “Father I’m feeling right now like you don’t hear me or care about ________, but I know that’s not true. Your word says ______, Help me to stand on that and trust you. Help my unbelief and rest in your promise and faithfulness.” I may have to do this repetitively until I find peace or the problem is solved.

As I get older, I am learning to embrace pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is hard but important. As I read your blog and book, listen to your sermons and teaching, your DNA is all about helping wounded women through the love of God. Where do the wounds come from and how does His love restore women?

Wounds come from many areas, childhood traumas, broken relationships, marriage, even church. But what I’ve found through ministering to thousands of women is that almost all wounds begin in our childhood. The enemy starts early with his attack on us and he knows if he can plant lies in our mind about who we are (our identity) or about what we believe about our heavenly father we will carry those lies with us into relationships and they will hinder our walk with God. But the Love of God is so powerful. When we have a full revelation of the Father’s love for us, of how much He really is a good, good father it changes us. It heals us. I do a teaching on how daddy wounds from our childhood affect our relationship with God and the ability to believe how deeply He loves us and accept that love.

Give my female audience practical tips on motherhood and being a wife?

First, know or learn your worth as a daughter of the king. This will translate to how you treat your children and husband and how you expect to be treated. Keep your relationship with God first, your husband next, and then your children. Give yourself grace. You’re not perfect and you’re not going to be. When you make mistakes with your children ( and you will) admit it to them and ask their forgiveness. This will not make you look small in their eyes – the contrary is true. Honor your husband. Honor and respect are very important to men. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Time spent with your husband and kids is far more important than the things you buy them or how clean your house is. I could go on and on…not from a seat of expertise but from one of failures and wisdom gained.

My daughter will be turning 18 very soon. She comes to you for dating advice. Help me understand what you will tell her and why? And please include dating advice for women in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

I would tell your daughter something I said earlier, “Know or discover your worth as a daughter of the King. Don’t date anyone who doesn’t also see that and treat you accordingly.” Don’t go looking for a date but let God bring Him to you. And here’s something I recommend to all women dating – get inner healing (healing for soul wounds or childhood trauma). This will help you make better decisions on who to date and will help prevent you from dating or marrying the same mistake in different skin over and over again. Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

You were the producer, executive producer, and director of Hope Has A Name. What is it about? Why should we watch it? And please give my audience hope for 2022?

Hope Has A Name is an award-winning documentary about women around the world bringing extraordinary hope in unlikely places. They are hidden heroes, not doing what they do not for a platform or platitudes but simply to bring hope to the hopeless through the love of God. There are some pretty amazing women including Heidi Baker featured in the film. And we are honored to have the endorsement of Lisa Bevere. Watch it and it will encourage you to stop making excuses and do something! It’s available on Amazon Prime and Tubi and many other outlets.

The Hope for 2022 is Jesus. His name is the hope of the nations. Jesus Is King. He is still on the throne and heaven has not been taken over by Hell. Our trust and confidence must remain in Him. No matter what is yet to come, He will take us through. He is a sure foundation.

Help me understand the premise of your book Someone To Trust. Is there really such a thing as romance? Or it was created in the liberal halls of Hollywood with unrealistic expectations?

Someone To Trust is a Christian Contemporary romance based around finding love and forgiveness after betrayal. The Heroine, Megan has been betrayed twice in her life, by the men she loved. She has been presented the opportunity to love again, but she first has to get past her mistrust of men, find forgiveness for them and herself. And, most importantly accept the love and grace of her Heavenly father offers. Someone To Trust is now available both in print and Kindle Unlimited.

I want to ask you about how do you balance being an author, filmmaker, wife, mother, speaking at conferences, and taking care of the women in your congregation?

Hah! Good question, when I figure that out, I’ll get back to you. Just kidding, sort of. It’s often a juggling event and I often end up dropping the ball. I have to really pray and seek guidance as to what my focus needs to be on the most in the season. It is also about stopping for the one. The one in front of you, I try to practice that. This enables me to help the women in my congregation who are needing my attention. Two things that help me balance is keeping my relationship and personal time with God a priority! If that is comprised, everything else is and I’m a mess. The second is keeping my family a priority above all the other endeavors. His grace is truly sufficient and I find His strength really is made perfect in my weakness.

The post Healing Emotional Wounds appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Healing Approach

admin — Sat, 10 Jul 2021 12:28:43 +0000

We all need healing.

Every human being you come across is hurting. We all have to face trauma, loneliness, abandonment, grief, loss, divorce, death, sadness, struggles, and the challenges of life. As a result, we all have stuff hidden in the closet. Those who deal with it come out ahead and experience healing. Those who keep it inside to fester and rot. The results are not very good.

Four Columns has spoken to Hannah Siller, Sara Felushko, Brenda, Valerie Fitzpatrick, Tara Lalonde, and various other professionals who talk about dealing with issues that afflict our lives.

We focus so much on our physical, spiritual, and financial health. However, we ignore our mental health. Thrive, empower yourself, and get help.

I talk to Mary Beth, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who talks about the ‘not good enough’ stuff in our lives that we stuff and never deal with it.

Mary Beth, a privilege to have a Licensed Professional Counselor at Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

Thank you for this opportunity! As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have also done my own work in therapy. It’s incredibly important for ALL therapists to have gone to therapy and worked on their own struggles because we ALL have them. For me, I struggled for years with depression, anxiety, and a lot of trauma I never dealt with from childhood. I thought that I would never be able to heal.

Fortunately, I was in a life-threatening car wreck that gave me a “real” reason, in the eyes of society and mine at the time, to go to therapy. I used the word “fortunately” because if not for my wreck, I probably wouldn’t have begun my own healing journey in therapy.

It forced me to look at all of my “stuff” that caused such pain throughout my entire life. I then learned that it was actually possible to heal, have a peaceful life and love myself. After that, I decided to go to graduate school while I was physically unable to work. My healing showed me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and that is to help others on their healing journeys.

I have heard about hiding stuff in the closet. I like your phrase about not good enough stuff. Tell me a little more?

As I begin my own healing journey, I realized that a lot of my emotional struggles were a result of never feeling good enough. As a psychotherapist, I began noticing the root of almost every client’s emotional pain came from that same “not good enough” feeling.

One day I was in a session with a client and the words, “you’re not good enough stuff” just fell out of my mouth. My client knew exactly what I was referring to. Now, I use that phrase with every client I work with and they immediately know what I am referring to.

To get a visual of what I mean with Not Good Enough Stuff, imagine a character opposite of Santa Claus. That character dumped a bag of all your fears, negative thoughts, sadness, shame, and repressed feelings down a chimney that then becomes forever attached to you. That bag is your Not Good Enough Stuff. We all have Not Good Enough Stuff and we can all learn how to heal it. That’s why my blog is called Not Good Enough Stuff.

Many of us carry hurts, scars, bruises, anger, resentment, and bitterness for years and never deal with it. Help me understand what that does to you when you do not deal with it vs dealing with it?

Yes, we sure do! When we don’t deal with any of that in a healthy way, our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff gets bigger and bigger. That spills over into every single aspect of our lives, resulting in depression, anxiety, difficulties in relationships, self-esteem and so much more.

It leaves us feeling like we are so screwed up or broken, but nobody is EVER broken. We simply get lost from our true soul identities and decided our emotional pain was our identity, but that is NEVER the case. Looking at that hurt allows us to return to who we truly are, removed from our bad experiences.

Why do we humans struggle so much with ‘am I good enough’. Is it the media? Is it social media? Why are we so insecure?

Ah! I love this question. One of the topics I often write about is this very question. Also, I love doing motivational speaking on this topic.

Not Good Enough Stuff comes from just about every aspect of our lives. For many people, it begins with our parents or caregivers.

Our parents and caregivers have their own Not Good Enough Stuff. If they don’t work to heal that, they unknowingly and often subconsciously put all of that on their children. That’s why we have so much generational trauma because nobody before us did any healing. So, we are actually carrying trauma and Not Good Enough Stuff from every generation that precedes us. Whew! That can be scary and sad to think about.

Jerry, you’re also correct in thinking that social media now plays a part in our Not Good Enough Stuff. We get lost in comparing ourselves to the perfect “sliver” of lives we see others posting. Also, society, culture, and religion often play a big part in adding to our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff.

Society, culture, and religion seem to have strayed from their roots of love and acceptance for many people. That results in us believing we are not good enough for society, culture, and religion. We are presented with an unattainable image of who we are “supposed” to be in life. That causes Not Good Enough Stuff. I have a blog post about this topic.

There is a constant battle between good and evil for our soul. I am fascinated by your take on it. Walk me through it?

I think every little, tiny, baby soul brought into this world is beautiful and good. So, then how do we end up with so many “evil” people? Those precious baby souls get piles of Not Good Enough Stuff dumped on them that eventually grow so large that they see no way of healing to get out of it. Those unhealed piles lead them to thrust their Not Good Enough Stuff on the world in hopes of making themselves feel good., even if that is done by hurting others.

Let’s take a look at Hitler. Everybody in the world will agree that he was evil. I’m not arguing with that. However, if you look at Hitler’s childhood you will see how his severe trauma created a pile of Not Good Enough Stuff so large that he was desperate to feel the power and get the attention that severely lacked for him. Very few people are ever taught how to get healthy attention. We can include Hitler in that group.

Hitler found a way to get a tremendous amount of attention in one of history’s most notoriously negative and evil ways. His enormous pile of Not Good Enough Stuff was thrust upon Jewish people in order to make him feel powerful.

Please understand that I am not dismissing the insane amount of pain he inflicted upon so many. I am just giving you an extreme example of how I believe Not Good Enough Stuff can create more evil than we could ever imagine. I’m not forgiving Hitler by any means. However, I do have sadness for the little baby soul of Hitler that existed before it turned into one of the biggest evil souls the world has ever seen.

I love peace and joy. Talk to me about how we can achieve it?

Yes, peace and joy. Those two words, in addition to self-love, are lacking for so many people. I know that I lacked all of that for the majority of my life. Attaining those seemed impossible until I began my own healing work. As cheesy and cliché as it may seem, self-love is the only way to achieve true peace and joy.

For me, the way I achieved peace and joy and the way my clients learn to do so, is accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like and probably beat yourself up over. An example of this is how I used to be so ashamed of my temper and anger outbursts.

Now, when it was extreme I didn’t consciously have shame because I thought people deserved what I dumped on them. After sludging through my healing journey, I realized that nobody, including myself, deserved the wrath of my anger.

I began exploring that there might be a positive side to my temper and anger outbursts. Passion! I realized that my temper had benefited me in some ways because it showed me what I was passionate about in life.

For example, when somebody treated me or somebody else poorly, I lashed out in very grand and unhealthy ways. Eventually, I was able to see that my anger was simply my passion. Everybody deserves to be treated well, but that didn’t happen in my childhood as it should have. So, I thought I had to fight for myself and others to get it.

Stepping back from that anger, I realized that my passion protected me when I didn’t know-how. So, I have gratitude for that misguided passion. Now, I can love and accept that “temper’ that can flare up instead of being ashamed of it. Also, I can let go of the hatred I had for it because it was important in my growth and healing journey.

I am a big believer in practicing patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness. Do we have anything in common?

We sure do! I could write a book on each one of those you mentioned, but I’ll try to be much briefer than a book. Also, I am available for motivational speaking on this topic.

I think the reason so many people struggle with each of those is that it was probably absent from their lives when they needed it. We all deserve to receive all of those you mentioned, but it is so hard to do when you are sitting in the midst of your Not Good Enough Stuff.

I want to make sure I mention the most important part of those qualities AND the hardest, which is having those important qualities towards ourselves. When I work with my clients we start this kind of work by exploring and healing the inner child.

I am currently working on blog posts about how to do that. So, if anybody is interested in learning how to heal his/her inner child, they can subscribe to my blog to get those posts emailed to them when they are published.

I’d be lying if I said that I’m always able to offer those qualities to others. There are certainly times where my temper flares and those beautiful qualities I worked so hard to have, go flying out the window.

After I process what happened, I can then look back and see that the true soul of the person who hurt me is lacking patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness for themselves. They have their Not Good Enough Stuff they haven’t healed AND they deserve to heal, even if they hurt me.

To come and see you, we have to accept we are broken and need healing. It is a process. Some of these are deep. Tell me more?

I don’t ever use the word “broken” because most people’s pain stems from childhood. However, my clients usually begin their first session telling me they are broken. Once we began looking at their pain and see that it began in childhood, I ask them if they would tell a little child that he or she was broken. Of course, they answer with a big, fat “no.”

So, then I explain that their pain is from their inner child who needed love but was never broken. Keep in mind that most people struggle with acknowledging that their pain came from childhood. I hear clients all the time say they had a “good childhood.”

Emotional trauma looks much different to a child than it does to an adult. For adults, trauma is a violent experience, loss, and other “major” life-changing events. For a child who doesn’t yet have adult brain development, something that seems as simple as being called, “lazy” or “clumsy” several times can have the same impact as a “major” life-changing event that an adult experiences.

I find women are more relational. They get together, they talk about their issues. Men do not and become an island. I personally find women do a lot better after the age of 45 than men?

I think you are correct for the most part. However, when women get together to “vent” to their friends, there is often so much that they hide even from their best friends because of shame and fear of not being understood.

That is the same reason that men become an island. Society and most cultures teach men that they are supposed to be “strong.” So, any semblance of portraying weakness is so incredibly scary.

I love working with men as a psychotherapist. I help guide them through the exploration of vulnerability to see it as a strength. I have had a men’s therapy group that was so incredibly healing for the group members. To have a group of men share their fears, pain and struggles are one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

So, for the men out there, I challenge you to see that therapy and vulnerability are huge signs of strength because those are so hard to do. It goes against what you were taught. If therapy and vulnerability were so easy, every man and woman would do it.

I cannot love my wife, daughter, son, my parents, or my friends if I do not learn to love myself and accept myself. Comment?

That is so true! The hard part about doing that is that most of us were never taught how to love ourselves. The reason for that is that we have all the generations preceding us who know nothing about self-love.

If you’ve never seen something or had anybody model what that something would look like, it is a huge and long struggle to learn it. So, I say to anyone wanting to learn self-love, know that the road is long and hard. However, for me and my clients, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever achieve in life because then you will be able to fully love those who get the privilege of being in your life!

The post Healing Approach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Denise Gardiner: Addiction and Getting Help

admin — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 04:00:45 +0000

Addiction is the irresistible need for and use of a habit-forming substance. It has a negative impact on the health of the individual and also on their economic and social lives. Addiction is accepted as a mental illness in the diagnostic nomenclature. Addiction is now considered a clinical syndrome.

Denise talks about addiction, abandonment, and co-dependency.

Denise, I super appreciate your blog. You are real, vulnerable, and downright honest. I am sure you sleep well. I want to talk about addiction. What is addiction? Why does it exist? What are the different kinds of addiction?

An addiction is a disease that you inherit, where mind and body crave something you have consumed more than life itself! It exists due to the disease you inherit, and you may not know you have the disease until you are hooked, and without help, your life could be doomed. Different types of addictions are drugs, alcohol, pills, food, shopping online, your cell phone, TV, the internet, or whatever you feel you can’t live without and feel life is complete when not tuned into the urge that consumes you.

Walk me through your own life as the daughter of an addict?

This is the hard part, as you don’t realize the damage that is being done growing up as the daughter of an alcoholic. My dad was in the military for 21 years and served in the Korean War and Vietnam War twice. I realized later in life that the alcoholism took hold as he was dealing with losing his fellow soldiers, and used alcohol as a way to medicate himself.

Recently I came to the conclusion he had PTSD, but it was not something that was diagnosed during his time in service. He was very strict with my sisters and I growing up, which in the military you expect that, but he used a belt and had a hard time showing love and affection. You had to behave or else! Once he retired he would drink a whole 6 pack of beer a night, and become argumentative, so it was not a comfortable setting. Then he was gone a lot, so the father-figure was not there to comfort and nurture us.

I was shy and unsure of myself, once I graduated. I did get good grades and was the teacher’s pet throughout my school years.

How did this impact your life? When did you realize it was having a negative impact on you?

It impacted my life in a way that I was drawn to men who were like my dad, as it seemed normal. My first husband, when I was 19, turned out to be so controlling, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to marry him, to begin with, but felt I could help and change him. He also became abusive! After 9 months of marriage and being left at a laundromat until it closed up, and the security guard had to drive me home, was the last straw to say enough is enough! He was ready to fight the security guard! He was not going to make it easy, as he followed me on a highway and pulled a gun, put sugar in my gas tank at work, made numerous phone calls, and threatened to kill me if I ended up with someone else. I lived in Denver at the time and decided it was time to move elsewhere, hoping he could not find me. I moved to California and started over, and developed a relationship at work with the nicest guy who fell in love with me, and I had decided to not be with someone like my ex-husband. I married him for the wrong reasons, and so after several years, I was ready to move on as the relationship seemed so boring. I used to turmoil in my life. We had a son but divorced, and I then married my third husband too soon and found out we were different and the relationship became very toxic. We had a son and divorced but after several years we moved back in together. Don’t ask me why? I think I felt our son needed his dad in his life.

In your blog, you talk about abandonment. What is it? Why did you feel abandoned?

I realized in my later years that something was broken inside me, so I decided to see a psychologist get a professional opinion. Why were relationships not working, and why did I not feel fulfilled? He said I had feelings of abandonment, and that when I talked about things I always had a smile, even when it was a hurtful subject. He said that was my way of not showing my pain inside. It was determined I was co-dependent and that I tried to fix everything to make my life feel normal and that I was in control. I was obsessed with cleaning the house, as that was something I could be in control of! I went to a co-dependent dependent group and realized I wasn’t alone and finally understood why I reacted to circumstances the way I did.

What is codependency? Why does a codependent want control?

Co-dependency is an emotional behavior where you do not know how to have healthy relationships and the relationship can become one-sided, or abusive. In my case, when there wasn’t turmoil I felt uncomfortable and would sabotage and destroy the relationship. You become attracted to abusive, controlling people and would try to fix the relationship and stay in it, as you did not think you deserved being treated in a kindly manner.

You control because you feel that is the only way you can fix things to feel normal, as inside your life is not in control at all. That is why I cleaned all the time. Call it OCD, and you drive everyone crazy, but you felt great when everything was spotless! You become a perfectionist!

Your father was never around when you were young. How important is it to have your parents around? Did you ever talk to him about it?

Growing up I saw other fathers and daughters in close relationships and I wished for the same type of relationship with my dad. I missed not having him at school events, and sitting down and having a heart to heart talk. I also think I tried to find in men what my dad did not give yo me. My dad passed away when he was 64, and I was 40. We had gotten closer, but so much time had passed and I missed not having my younger years with him.

I was told in counseling that since my dad was never there for me emotionally and I was not getting hugs that little girls should get from their dads, and the times he was away from home, that through life I didn’t want to commit to a relationship with the fear of them leaving me.

You thrived on chaos. Normal is different things to different people. Explain?

Normal to me was fighting and yelling constantly, very few moments of peace and quiet where you weren’t being yelled at or criticized for not being perfect. There were so many expectations and the pressure of attaining all that was expected of you takes a toll on you emotionally.

Explain the 12 steps codependent program? How did it help?

I couldn’t remember exactly, so had to look them up. The 12 steps are:

We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

I made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Here is the Serenity Prayer we would say after each group session: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

It made me aware of how my behavior could be in relationships, so you would make a conscious effort, of the proper way to react to certain situations. It takes time, but it works!

Why do you recommend getting help for an addiction?

If you don’t get the help you will keep sabotaging and destroying relationships, and will never be able to find true happiness or a healthy way to live with someone else and get through life feeling or knowing what “normal” is.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, as this is not something you want to share or talk about. Once you admit that and set up the appointment, it is a big weight off your shoulders, and you realize that with the help you can find a way to true happiness and love, and you can be a better person and parent.

The post Denise Gardiner: Addiction and Getting Help appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life

admin — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 13:34:28 +0000

What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank. Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses, our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be. This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment. The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries. Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker. My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ. With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes, the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature. Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear. How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be. How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience. Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings. The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices. Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success. Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us. As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.