What is brokenness?

The dictionary defines brokenness as fractured, forcible separation, sundered by divorce, desertion by parents, having been violated, being in a state of disarray, a broken spirit, crushed by grief, suffering from a broken heart, financially or morally bankrupt, and not functioning.

The truth is we live in a broken world. The fabric of our lives is torn with grief, loss, pain, suffering, fear, hatred, racism, discrimination, poverty, judgment, alienation, insecurity, hunger, and violence. As a result, brokenness is everywhere.

We want answers. We cry out through social media or lash out and want explanations, answers, and hope in our brokenness.

We are just coming out from one of the most challenging times our generation has faced. What will life look like post-Covid? There is a lot of uncertainty out there.

Each and everyone has a role to play. We need to deal with our own brokenness. We have to become intentional in healing ourselves and others.

We need to become better listeners and be the salt, the light on the mountain and provide rays of hope through the heart of disillusionment, distrust, anxiety, resentment, and division. We can only do that by being patient, kind, gentle, compassionate, loving unconditionally, forgiving, and being grateful.

I am a big believer in being healed. It will require work. It will require introspection. It will require writing down stuff. It will require talking to other people. You cannot carry the pain. It will literally kill you. If you deal with your prejudices, loneliness, unrealized dreams, stress, worry, guilt, and shame there is joy on the other side.

I spend an hour a day, getting to know my followers across social media. I want to know who they are, why do they follow me, what is so unique and special about them. Queeny Yalangi started following me a few weeks back. I was intrigued by the nom de plume. I soon realized she was an author, podcaster, blogger and worked in the corporate world. Queeny has amazing insights into pain, suffering, love, and disappointment and I love that she used the word brokenness in her book. We talk about food, culture, brokenness, love, and women’s empowerment.

Hello Queeny, can you tell my audience something about yourself?

Hello Jerry, this is Queeny Yalangi, author of Life in Hyderabad: A city of tales. I’m from Hyderabad, India. I’m a blogger, podcast speaker, chef, and abstract painter. I’m an MBA graduate, but my love for books and the English language made me a writer. I work for an MNC, but writing is my first love. 

I want to know what Life in Hyderabad: A city of tales is all about?

Life in Hyderabad is a book of anecdotes, the stories of love, longing, pain, and optimism. I believe that there are many stories in the world, but only a few are heard. My idea behind writing Life in Hyderabad is to introduce common people and their untold stories. Some people fall in love, some people live in love, some people dwell in that pain forever. Some stories have a happy ending while some remain without an ending. Some people express their love to the person whom they love, while some sacrifice their love. So Life in Hyderabad is the voice of all these stories. I also added a  few poems and my original minimalist illustrations in this book at the beginning of each story. Every story is different from others. All these stories are born out of inspiration and observation. I observe people around me, I see their pain, I see their story. And whenever I feel like a story needs a voice, I write that story. So Life in Hyderabad is all about these stories.

We are all broken. The common people, unique, unconventional, outliers, and the stars. I believe to be healed and move forward, we have to accept our brokenness. What is the path of your characters in this journey?

In this book, you will meet the characters who lost everything, the people who are left alone by their loved ones, also the people who are waiting for their love. Every one of them lost something or the other faced setbacks, was abandoned, left out by everyone. But they never lost their hope. They started living with hope. They suffered, they accepted the pain, they healed themselves, they never gave up and they never stopped hoping. And that hope made them move forward each day. This is what inspired me to write their stories. 

Your characters are lost in darkness. Is there a light in their life? What is it about them that they do not want to give up and stay resilient?

Yes, the characters in this book are lost in darkness and broken inside. But they also had good times in their life. They all had normal lives, but life is a cycle of good and bad. Our choices affect our lives. Some chose to live in darkness, but some choose to walk towards the light. My characters chose to move on. They embraced every moment of their lives. They overcame the uncertainties. They found solace in suffering. They moved forward. It is the hope that made them live. They waited with patience for things to happen. They chose to wait instead of giving up. That is what made them walk towards the light. I would say that hope made them stay resilient.

What is hope all about? You cover it in your book. I truly believe we all need hope post covid.

I believe that hope is something that makes us live. To me, hope is that dawn that comes after every dark night, it is happiness that comes after sadness. During Covid, we witnessed many things. 2020 was a roller coaster ride. We have seen good, we have seen bad and we have seen terrible things. But we believed that things will get normal someday. And as we believed things are getting normal slowly. 

I like the dichotomy between pain, love, and how some people choose to live in that pain in the book. Comment?

Yes, some people choose to live in pain. It is not because they love the pain. But sometimes some people don’t even know that they are in pain. They immerse themselves to a level where they don’t even recognize the pain. One of the characters in my book Diya is in love with a man. She gave everything to him out of love. But she never got the same love back. Still, she doesn’t stop loving him. She suffers inside, She cries every day. But she never complains. We know that she is in pain when we are reading her story. But for her it’s love. So some people live in pain out of helplessness and out of love.  

‘Faith gives us strength, it is good to have faith. But when that faith turns into delusion’. You make a very profound statement. I believe in practical faith, unconditional love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and mercy. Do we have something in common?

Yes, I made that statement in my recent blog. I believe that there is a thin line between faith and delusion. Faith gives us strength. We pray to the superior power. According to our religions and cultures, we give him so many names. But God is always one. When we do good, when we help others, when we are kind and generous to others he resides within us. He is in everything we do. He is the reason we wake up every day and lead our normal lives. But I believe faith has its limits. God will help a man who works hard. When we give 100% to something we want and we work hard for it. We should leave the result to God. Work hard and wait with patience. God will make it happen. But they are people who want only miracles and don’t want to work hard. That is when delusion replaces faith. It is good to believe. It is good to trust. But trust yourself first then God will reside within you. Don’t replace faith with fear and take extremes steps out of superstitious beliefs.

Define what women empowerment means to you?

To me, women empowerment is something when women help each other, learn together, and grow together. Women from all walks of life are empowered when they are given a chance to share their thoughts. When their point of view matters in their personal and professional lives. When women have a choice to choose their careers, their future, and their partner. Women are more capable of doing things than cooking meals and making love. But, sadly, the world never thinks in that way. Still, in some parts of the world, women are not allowed to study, they can’t wear modern dresses. They can’t go out alone. Our body gets more attention from society than our knowledge. Our place is decided by our gender. We always get fewer chances to prove ourselves just because we are feminine. This can be and will be changed only when women emp1ower each other and support each other. 

How is your generation of women different from your mom’s and grandmother’s generation?

At the time of my Grandmother’s generation, women were always considered weak. Before they are married they were dependent on their fathers. When they are married they used to depend on their husbands and when they grew old they used to depend on their sons. They never had a voice or chance to make any choice. But this changed at the time of my mom’s generation. They stepped out of their homes. They educated themselves and started doing jobs. They were given importance because of their jobs, but the pay and options were less for them. Now my generation has plenty of opportunities. We became the decision-makers of our lives. We have a choice and technology has made our lives easy. Now any woman can work from anywhere. We have freedom. But it is a LIMITED FREEDOM, LIMITED RESPECT. Like I said before, we are never treated equally because we are feminine. I hope this changes in the next generation.

I want to know about the food scene in your city. What are some of the specialties?

Like I said I’m from Hyderabad, and Hyderabad is famous globally for its delectable food. Dum Biryani is a famous food in our city. We have a lot of upscale restaurants, drive-ins, affordable food spots, food trucks, breakfast centers, and branded chains of restaurants. And we Hyderabadi people love to explore new cuisines every day. We get all types of food. South Indian, Chinese, Continental, Traditional Andhra Cuisine, Mexican, Italian, and many more cuisines and sweets from every region. My favorite foods are Hyderabadi Dum Biryani, Raju Gari Kodi Pulav, Ramki Bandi Breakfast, Kurkure Momos, Haleem, Donne Biryani, vegetarian food from Subbayagari Hotel, and sweets from Vasi Reddy foods. 

You have an MBA. What did you learn at MBA school that you did not know before? For me was a cultural fit.

I learned so much about the world and the opportunities when I was in the MBA program. My professors were very supportive. Mr. Ramprasad was my business law professor and Dean Padma supported me and motivated me. They always made me believe that I can do more in my life. I have represented my MBA college in a lot of national conferences and spoke about RTI, ‘Make in India’, and many more topics. Sometimes I was the only young girl attending seminars in a room full of men in their 50’s. I learned to be independent and fearless. It was a wonderful phase of my life.

Finally, what is one key takeaway that you want the readers to take from your book?

I would like to say one thing to my readers from all across the globe through this book is to NEVER GIVE UP. If you lose your job, try to find a new job, if you fail in an exam try writing again, if you fail in love, try falling in love again. If you fail in something, it doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean that you will stop living. Failure always gives you another opportunity to do better in your life. Something better will be always in store for you. And your hope is your biggest strength. All you need to do is hold it tight, work hard, and move forward no matter what happens in your life. 

The post Dealing with brokenness appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Gardening has taught me so many lessons in life.

I want to give you some quotes from famous people regarding gardening:

I think the true gardener, the older he grows, should more and more develop a humble, grateful and uncertain spirit. – Reginald Farrer

A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all, it teaches entire trust. – Gertrude Jekyll

A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. – Greek proverb

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. – May Sarton

Introduction

We are one week into fall. As a result, the weather is changing. It is getting darker earlier. The leaves are changing color. In conclusion, it is time to start pruning the garden.

I have been a city boy for most of my life. Therefore, buying a home with a garden was an experience in itself.

We moved in the summer when the flowers and everything in the garden was blooming. However, little did I realize the work involved in maintaining it.

The first year I noticed the grass on my lawn going brown. A neighbor told me he sensed it would be white grubs.  Grubs are larvae of beetles and attack the roots of turfgrass.

Since the home was barely new, the builder had put the sod on the original mud rather than a thick layer of topsoil. As I drove around the hood, the best grass was that which was growing on a thick layer of topsoil.

I took the easy route. I went to a construction site. They were offering free topsoil. It was a weed-infested. Guess what no grass showed up but weeds.

Last year I ordered a whole truck of topsoil. I ordered the best grass seeds. For three weeks in September, I mixed the seed and the topsoil. The lawn looks the best in years.

Lessons learned

We need to build our lives on a solid base. Character is important. Discipline will take us through the hard times.

To have a great garden you must have patience, a nurturing spirit, and a willingness to sweat. Nature provides the sun we provide the water, fertilizer, and hard work. To have a career or to excel in anything, you have to work hard.

To see a small seed become a sprout, a plant, and then a tree that gives fruits and flowers is so encouraging. In the same way to see your project, your kids, or a friendship blossom into something is going to be encouraging.

The garden will go through a cycle. Life has its trials and tribulations. There will be things beyond our control. Mother Nature is a formidable foe when she wishes to be. Drought, wind, insects are some of the challenges. Better to approach an uncertain world with an open mind. Stay flexible.

In the backyard, we had a big sumac tree. What was the couple thinking planting in the backyard? I found out the hard way. About 20 feet away from the tree, shoots started coming. It was destroying my grass. Sumac is an aggressive plant and can take over a garden. It took me a whole month to cut the tree and its roots. Keep aggressive, toxic, and nosy people at a distance.

I love perennials. They show up every year. Make sure you have friends like that. As Debbie battled cancer it was the loyal friends who showed up.

Annuals are planted every year. They look beautiful for a reason and for a specific season. Sometimes, we have people like that in our lives only for a short time, for a season, and for a reason.

The garden hose has many choices; focused, mist, spray. We need to encourage a million times, love a billion times, and rebuke but rarely.

Pruning is very important for the plants and at the right time. When we focus on the simple and the practical, life turns around. We embrace change and allow our lives and hearts to grow. Change is a constant factor in our lives.

Flowers and plants that grow in the desert and in a milder climate cannot be grown here. Different soils, ph. levels, weather patterns all have an impact. All our five fingers are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on those and have fun. Comparing yourself to someone else will lead to disaster. Accept the fact the world is unfair and monetize skills differently.

I do not grow fruits or vegetables. My mother-in-law grows them. Potatoes and carrots teach what you do not see matters. Pass on the glitz, glamour, volatility, and the unpredictable in your life.

The result of the garden is the choices you make. People can be flowers in your garden or weeds. Pluck the weeds to let everything grow.

You need a bunch of garden tools. Axes, carts, cords, fork, footwear, hoes, rake, spades, shovel, trellis are some of the tools to be efficient. Education along with practical sense, humility, gentleness, kindness, patience, unconditional love, and emotional intelligence goes a long way in being successful in real life and in the workplace.

We can never be experts in every field. Ask for advice read books. Learn from other people’s mistakes. Go ahead and blossom where you are planted.

These are some of the life lessons I have learned from gardening.

The post Life Lessons From Gardening appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Everything happens for a reason

I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.

My prayers have been answered.

It was the summer of 98. I was madly in love with three girls (so I thought).

In other words, one was in Paris. The other two were in Montreal and Calgary.

As a result, I had flown to Paris for two weeks to see where I stood. I made two trips to Montreal. The girl in Calgary I had loved for more than a decade.

The much-dreaded letter came from Paris. All written in French. She was not sure where she stood. Strike one. Two more to go. The response from Montreal was she was not sure. Strike two.

In conclusion, the Calgary one was it. I mean she was half-Indian. In addition, the other half was the bohemian Hungarian. We would be a couple. She came to Toronto for Christmas. We spent some time. I met her family. I finally told her. She knew I had loved her for nearly a decade. She dated two friends of mine. She left for Calgary with the intention of packing up and moving back to Toronto.

About two days later, I got a call at midnight. She had spoken to a friend who was a friend of an old ex and did not think it was a good idea.

Dead in the water. Back to square one.  Almighty, so you are trying to teach me something. Half of my life I have spent in the oven. Come on… I need a break.

Lo and behold, I meet Debbie in 99. We were friends. I teased her a lot. Even I tried to set her up with someone.

Someone asked me if I would be open to her.

I mean I am brown. She is white. Boring white. Throw some Latina names around. Give me someone who I can romance. It is supposed to be like in the movies.

Jerry. You do not get it. The girl is right under you. All your life you are chasing trophy women.

OK, OK, OK, OK. One date. One date and that is it. I will try one date and get it done with it. That first date happened in Jan 2000.

A quick Swiss Chalet lunch. In addition, it will all be over. I even wanted to cancel it. One of her friends said she was looking forward to it.

On a cold January Sunday. We went to the Swiss Chalet on Finch, opposite the Humbold Centre. I made some small talk. Cracked some dumb jokes. I dropped her home.

Her friend called and said how it went. Whatever, no feelings on my side. By the way, do you know any Latina girls? Jerry, she loved the date. She loved how you opened the doors for her. She loved how you paid attention to her.

My jaws dropped. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just chasing the wrong women. Our next date was for Valentine’s Day. A little risky move. Let me take a nice Hamilton girl to a Pakistani restaurant. A small dinghy greasy place. Surely, she will know. Who takes someone for Valentine’s Day to a greasy Pakistani restaurant? Me of course. I am trying to send the message…not interested.

It was one of the best dates. We laughed. She just loved the food.

Debbie worked opposite me at a law firm. We got along. She laughed at my dumb jokes. She appreciated me. All my pedigree meant nothing to her. She just cared for me. She just put up with my private school, only kid, arrogant attitude.

We were opposites in everything. Opposites do attract.

One date led to another and in the summer of 2000, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Therefore, sparks need to happen. Heaven needs to separate. I was giving myself 6 months. The more I spent time with her; the more I realized this woman loved me unconditionally. In addition, there were no pretensions around her.

I called her on Christmas day. Her sister Dawn answered. This is Jerry on the other side. Your brother in law. Well, Dawn, Debbie is it. I just need to ask your dad’s permission.

In February of 2001, I took her parents to see the Wedding Planner. We had a good time. I called Doug later that week and asked him if I could marry his daughter.

Plans were to get a ring and do something extraordinary.

On the last Saturday of March, we drove to the Prince of Wales restaurant in Niagara on the Lake. After lunch, we went on a tour of Niagara in a helicopter. The pilot was told to just shut up and just let us talk. Thousands of feet above the falls, I posed the question. She said yes.

We came back to Toronto. Both of our families and her friends were waiting for dinner.

In September of 2001, we got married. We went to Portugal, Spain, and Morocco for our honeymoon.

Debbie has taught me gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. She has taught me to see the pleasure in simple things. She has made me humble, gentle, patient, and not let the small things bother me.

Jean our 22 year old daughter makes us a complete family.

I look forward to being married for the next 100 years.

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