What is psychotherapy?

Talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, is to help people deal with challenges in life, emotional difficulties, and mental illness. Psychotherapy helps a person to make their life better through introspection and healing.

If we start being honest about our pain, our anger, and our shortcomings instead of pretending they don’t exist, then maybe we’ll leave the world a better place than we found it. – Russell Wilson

Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road. – Unknown

Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. – Fred Rogers

The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about. – Unknown

Introduction

I got the most horrifying text of my life. A very close friend of mine, since college, had passed away on Tuesday early morning.

It is not possible. We just spoke on Monday morning. We were going to have lunch on Thursday. I was teasing him about being the king of Facebook. Also, since his dad was 90, I told him that he would probably outlive all of us and therefore attend my funeral.

After that, on a cold day in March, here I was at the funeral home facing his cold, lifeless body. In addition, a thousand memories since we were teenagers kept flashing across my mind.

The same year in April, a young gentleman drove a van across a street where I had lived for more than a decade, killing 10 people and injuring 16.

Similarly, in July as I was heading to the Danforth for a meeting, another male shot and killed 2 people and injured 13 at a nearby restaurant.

Three incidents in less than six months hit home. Why? Could any of the above situations be avoided?

Life happens

My close friend had issues from a young age. It tormented him. Over the years, I begged him, pleaded with him to get help. In 2015, he lost his job and disappeared. I finally got hold of him six months later and he was putting up a front. In 2017, I took him out for lunch for his birthday. Little did I realize that would be the last time I would be seeing him. We spoke throughout the summer, about his marriage, his parenting and how he felt about living in the basement of his parents’ home.

Above all, unemployed, separated from his wife, alone, lonely, feeling rejected, drugs and booze became his best friends. What stopped him from getting help? Did he not realize the hurt he was causing those close to him and especially his kids?  How come he did not know his limits and boundaries? Why did he not seek psychotherapy?

What is masculinity?

As I think about my friend and the other two men, involved in the killings, I am forced to ask myself, why do men not get help? Is it a sign of weakness? Is it considered macho to just suck up and deal with your issues through drugs, porn and substance abuse? Is this masculinity?

Or is masculinity dealing with our issues head-on, accepting responsibility for where you are in life, being grateful, forgiving and getting help?

I wish the three men would have got help. They could have avoided so much pain for themselves and those around them.

Advantages of getting help

When you go to see a psychotherapist, you get feedback on what you are going through from an objective perspective. Here is a trained third-party individual who listens, gives you feedback on what you are going through.

The second advantage is that you get to deal with your negative past. The therapist might ask you to write down your hurts, resentments, bitterness issues, challenges or just he/she will listen.

The third advantage is that it allows you to get in touch with reality. When you are doing drugs, booze, porn, and sleeping around, these are helping you to escape reality.

The fourth advantage is that you end up in better mental and physical health.

The fifth advantage is that it allows you to get to the root cause of your problems. The therapist gives you healthy coping mechanisms.

The final advantage is that you learn to take it easy on yourself and finally no one is judging you at the clinic. They are all encouraged that you have the courage and guts to deal with your issues.

I challenge you that if you are facing issues no matter what go ahead and get professional help.

The post Get Help: See A Psychotherapist appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Two years after graduating from high school, one of my closest friends committed suicide. I had never dealt with it. I got caught up in university, climbing the corporate ladder, and on the performance treadmill. On my 10th wedding anniversary, as I was having a romantic dinner on the beach in the Mayan Riviera, I asked Debbie how we were doing as a married couple. Her answer about me not being a good sleeper changed my life forever. This week, as I deal with COVID, Debbie is battling cancer, I get a text from a friend that someone we have known all our lives committed suicide. As I get older, I am more aware of mental health. If you read my blog, I have written on forgiveness, patience, self-care, depression, drug, and alcohol abuse.

On Twitter, I found out that Chris Mitchell, a Canadian travel writer and content creator based in Toronto, was starting a podcast on anxiety. I got in touch with him and asked him a few questions about anxiety.  Chris has been writing about and documenting his travels around 80 countries for a decade. Chris is also the cofounder of the Toronto Bloggers Collective, a community dedicated to supporting content creators.  I have been in groups all my life. The Toronto Bloggers Collective is one of the best groups I have been a part of. Chris is friendly, outgoing, sensitive, loving, and passionate. He loves his wife and is real and vulnerable. Abigail Van Buren said that “The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.”

Many bloggers have liked my style of writing. However, when it came to collaboration it was always about my DA and PA scores. Chris was the first blogger who offered me to write a piece on Bellwoods Brewery. Read this interview a couple of times. Also if you know of anyone struggling with anxiety have them listen to the podcast.

Chris, an honor to have you on Four Columns. We are going to talk about travel, food, marriage, and anxiety. I know you started a podcast on anxiety, what is it, and how does it affect us?

Firstly, let me just thank you for having me on, Jerry. The pleasure is all mine. 

You’re absolutely right, I did just start a podcast on anxiety. It’s called “I’m Anxious About…,” and I’m proud to say it has garnered a fair bit of interest thus far. In short, it’s a podcast where my co-host Allison and I look at a different thing we’re anxious about each week and break it down with plenty of humor and honesty. 

It’s meant to be a place that folks can come for a laugh, but most importantly, it’s a place where we can share our own journey and let folks know they’re not alone. 

So far, the response has been deeply humbling, and I’m grateful I took the gamble in starting this, despite that voice in my head that offered no shortage of doubt and criticism. But that is, in essence, what this podcast is all about, right? Challenging that voice. 

Anyway, if folks are curious, they can find us wherever they find their podcasts. 

Sometimes as men, we put on this macho front. However, we are hurting inside. How did you realize you were suffering from anxiety. What made you realize this is something we have to talk about?

Well, Jerry, that’s a good question. My journey with anxiety started about a decade ago when I lost my best friend unexpectedly. His name was Kiel, and, in truth, he was more like a brother to me than a friend. I felt a lot of pain that more or less concentrated in confusion. 

I still do feel great pain, but now I’ve harnessed that to ensure I can do my best to live for both of us. I try to remember that he’d want me to think of him and smile, so I focus on the good memories. 

When I found out about his passing, it was 2011 and I was living in Seoul, South Korea with Bri. 

I would find that occasionally as we were walking along I’d almost get swept up in a river of my own thoughts. People would be talking to me, but the conversation I had in my head was drowning them out. I’d often have to head off to the bathroom to regroup. 

It took me a long time to realize that these initial struggles which I thought were isolated and fluky incidents were actually the beginning of my anxiety. Or, rather, it took me a long time to accept that. 

I began to question why my initial reaction to feeling like I may be struggling was to hide it – even from my partner. Now, I understand it’s because I had a false notion that having anxiety or depression or what have you made you weak. 

Thankfully, over time, I’ve squashed that falsehood, and now I firmly believe that true strength comes from admitting you’re not perfect, putting your ego aside, and using your openness to engage in conversations that aid others. 

Walk me through how you are dealing with it? Are you taking medication, going to the gym, meditation, or seeing a coach?

I’ve got a lot of things that I try to keep in mind to make sure I’m giving myself a good chance to be my best self. 

Firstly, I start every morning by writing in my 5 Minute Journal where I set intentions for the day. I end my day by writing in the same journal. It helps me to project what I want my day to look like, and be grateful at the end of the day. 

I also meditate and do a stretching sequence before hopping in the shower. This ensures that by the time I’m out of the shower, I’m generally in the right headspace to tackle the day. 

I’ve found that exercise is paramount for me. I exercise every day whether that’s yoga, biking, walking, going to the gym, or anything in between. A big problem I had in the past was not knowing what to do with excess energy, which could lead to me partying a bit more or staying out a bit later, so I know now that I’ve got to make sure I’m giving myself a chance to burn energy. 

There’s just no question – If I’m not exercising, I’m more anxious. 

Sleeping well, or at least trying to get a good amount of sleep also makes an enormous difference for me, so that’s something I prioritize. I talk about it on the podcast, but I just don’t get caught up on whether or not I’ve fallen asleep. I focus on rest, relaxation, and giving myself a second to process. 

Things like eating well, not drinking too much, reading every night and so forth also make a big difference. In particular, I try to ensure I’m reading at least a few books at any one time, with some mixture of fiction and nonfiction. Usually, I read about 70-80 books a year. What’s the expression, “books are the quietest and most constant of friends?” 

Finally, I’m not currently taking any medication or going to therapy. I did do some therapy last year, but, for the most part, I’ve built a lot of systems around myself that enable me to be okay, and I’m also fortunate to have people around me looking out for me. In particular, even if I’m not always at my best, but I’m blessed to have a supportive partner who also knows when I’m not at my best and helps me get back up on my feet when I need it. 

I should note here that everyone has their own journey. For some, therapy and medication are absolutely necessary, so I’m not in any way discouraging that. I also don’t think there’s any shame or weakness in that whatsoever. Everyone needs to do what is right of them.

Funny enough, the podcast is sort of serving as therapy for me, as I rehash what I’ve learned over the past decade that has helped me and may help others. It also keeps me mindful of my own mindset and I find I’m more apt at understanding and disentangling my own emotional state. 

What is your goal with the new podcast? Who is your audience? What are you trying to achieve?

Mainly, I want people to know that they’re not alone, and try also to highlight that laughter can be therapeutic. I’m intentionally diving into the sometimes absurd inner workings of my mind to let others know that it’s okay to have unique, if dizzying, thought patterns here and there. 

We haven’t been live long enough for me to have a true grasp on our audience, but, from the feedback I’ve gotten and those who have reached out to me, it appears to be folks who have suffered from anxiety or, at the very least, know someone who has, or are interested in what anxiety is all about. 

I’d like to think almost anybody could tune in, largely because we chat in a pretty humorous tone in the podcast. It could almost be confused with a comedy set if you entered at the wrong time. That being said, the goal of the podcast isn’t to make light of anxiety. It’s to show that you can have anxiety, but still, enjoy your life, and even laugh at yourself here and there. 

Congrats on winning many awards. What is unique and different about you as a travel blogger that you bring to the table? 

Well thanks, firstly. I feel fortunate to have won many awards in the past, and continue to be considered for awards in the present and future. Each one means something to me, trust me. That is something which will never get old to me, so let’s keep them coming, shall we?! 

Joking aside, I am honoured, as there are so many talented travel writers and bloggers out there. 

As far as what’s different about me, it’s a great question. I honestly don’t know. I mean, I’ve read voraciously since I was young, and I took English Lit. in university, so I think I’ve got the writing structure down pat, but I know it’s more than that. It honestly may come down to my intense curiosity. I’m profoundly interested in the places I visit, and perhaps that comes across to readers. 

I’d also like to think that I’m writing to elevate my readers and not alienate them. Nobody wants to know where I’ve been and how much fun I had, they want to see themselves in my adventures, and know that my writing is empowering them to chase their own adventures. In the end, I write for my readers, and not for myself. 

I also adore writing in the strongest sense. Without writing, I don’t think I’d understand myself or this world. I travel physically with planes, but mentally with words. 

Talk to me about a favorite city of yours/ What is it about that city that we should visit and the food scene?

That would have to be Istanbul, my friend. Istanbul, to me, feels like the centre of the world. I lived there for 3 years, and while I was there, I felt like I had my fingers on the pulse of the planet. I was tapped into millennia of history just by walking around the streets and areas of the present day. 

The food scene is on another level as well, especially when it comes to Turkish breakfast. I’ve actually covered exactly how you should tackle Istanbul (including Turkish breakfast) in this article on my site, appropriately called, “Istanbul Travel Tips – Travel Advice for Istanbul From a Former Resident.” 

I also did an episode on the Amateur Traveler podcast! 

That should help folks out fairly well if they’re looking to visit. I’ve been to 80 countries and thousands of towns, villages, and cities at this point and I’ll be blunt – you have not seen the world until you’ve been to Istanbul. 

It is, to me, the greatest city on the planet.

I see you are a romantic guy. Help me understand how marriage has changed you as a person? What surprised you the most? Do you recommend it?

I do try to be romantic or, at the very least, sentimental. I would say that marriage itself hasn’t necessarily changed my life dramatically, but nothing has had a greater impact on my life than my relationship with Bri. 

We’ve been together 10 years and married 2. So, what I’m saying is I don’t think you have to be married to appreciate your partner or be impacted by them, but I did appreciate the ceremonious commitment. 

Our wedding day was just perfect and brought together people from all over the world. 

I’ve just been lucky enough to have found my soulmate, and I think that’s what it’s all about. I would do anything for Bri, and perhaps marriage is one way we can let our partner know just that. 

I want to know something very challenging you have experienced? What did you do to overcome it?

I had a difficult time readjusting to life in Toronto in 2017 after living in Istanbul for three years. Most notably, I came back to Toronto and decided that I wouldn’t be pursuing teaching opportunities, which was made more ironic by the fact that I had just completed my Masters. 

That being said, I had the sense that I had to go in on my own and see what I could do. It’s a stressful thing to bet all your chips on something, but it’s also invigorating. Though, in retrospect, it was often a fine line between stress and excitement.

I began by growing out of the travelingmitch brand, especially on Twitter where I found a big audience for one reason or another. I began to go to conferences left, right, and center, and I became hungry to both learn and grow. 

Not long after that, I co-founded the Toronto Bloggers Collective because I decided that I couldn’t quite find the community I was looking for in Toronto, so it was time to create it. As you well know, that decision has had a huge positive impact on my life, and I hope it’s positively impacted folks like yourself and other members. 

Then, I started Ultimate Ontario to showcase what was going on in the province alongside Kev from the Toronto Bloggers Collective. As you can see, it was all about keeping moving for me. 

I also founded two podcasts and had my hands in a number of other projects. 

I put myself in a sink or swim scenario and thankfully I learned that I can indeed swim, which is a lesson I’m carrying with me even now. 

When this pandemic hit, it’s not a shock that I started the new podcast on anxiety because my reaction to struggle now is thinking about what I can create to solve problems for others. It gives me a sense of purpose. 

Finally, I want you to give three tips to a new blogger?

I’ll keep it simple. 

Be curious. Be patient. Be bold.

The post Chris Mitchell talks about anxiety appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Thrive by taking responsibility and becoming empowered.

I had not spoken to a cousin that I grew up with for quite a while. We were living in different countries, and life got in the way.

We connected on WhatsApp, and over the next three days, my cousin blamed the whole world for her issues. Therefore, I gave up trying to convince my cousin to take personal responsibility.

I have mentored a lot of people in the corporate world. One of the people I was mentoring was getting fired a lot. He kept on blaming his bosses. As a result, I just asked him one question. What is the common factor? After that, I wanted to convince him that he needed to have a sense of responsibility.

I got a call from a very good friend who is getting divorced after two decades of marriage. Not once did my friend take responsibility. It was always the fault of the other spouse.

The reason I say to take responsibility for your life is that it empowers you, and you thrive, moving from a victim to a champ. As a result, you are in the driver’s seat and deal with the challenges of life.

I am focusing on embracing responsibility because it is the bedrock for success and happiness in all areas of your life. For instance, you cannot shift the blame, make excuses, find a scapegoat, or allow yourself to be blown by the wind. Thrive in every area of your life by taking responsibility.

Responsibility Quotes

The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs – Joan Didion

When you blame others, you give up your power to change – Unknown

It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it – Sophocles

Stop Whining and Grumbling

I have yet to meet a person who likes hanging around people who whine and grumble about everything.  In other words, when you do that, you cannot accept the present situation and deal with it. Therefore, whining is being a victim and saying I do not have a choice. Similarly, you are focusing on things going wrong around you and not focusing on the big picture of the forest. In conclusion, if you deal with the situation, you will not whine about it. Do not ask the question of why me? How about what now? What can I learn from this situation?

I had liked a girl for more than a decade. Similarly, it was really like a Forrest Gump syndrome. She dated a few friends of mine. During Christmas 1999, she was in town and we had dinner with my parents and her parents. She finally said she wanted to date me. I was super excited. She flies back to the city where she was working and calls me at midnight and says she does not see this working out.

In 2000, I just started dating other women, met Debbie, and have been married for 24 years.

Stop Pointing Fingers

The moment you point fingers at your family, the way your parents raised you, your partner, or the economy for your situation, you are back in victim mode. Walk away and say to yourself, how did I play a part in this?

I have an undergrad in hospitality. I wanted to make a career in managing money. As I continued to work, I went back to night school, got a business degree, and did many courses that helped me make a career in trading and managing money.

Stop Making Excuses

The time is now to stop making excuses. In addition, it is stale, stuffy, and stodgy. You cannot make excuses for poor choices in life, accomplishments, and failure. This kind of behavior leads to negative thinking and negative behavior. As a result, friends, family, and acquaintances will drop you.

Learn from failure, poor choices, and try not to repeat them. If you make excuses, you will continue to go down a beaten path in your personal and professional life.  It will sap you of your energy and strength. You are also not giving yourself space to learn from your mistakes. You need to give yourself room to grow by having a sense of moral and personal responsibility

You have to think positive. Similarly, it is vital to stop the negative thoughts in your mind and focus on the positive that is happening in your life. This frees you up. If you dwell on negativity, it leads to physical symptoms that are not healthy.

The next time you speak, listen to yourself. If you are blaming others for your job, your salary, your spouse or goals, become aware of these negative patterns and work on stopping it right away. If friends, family or colleagues are offering feedback on your behavior, be open to listening to them, because they are around you.

I have to work on being positive daily. After a career in wealth management, I had to stop focusing on my MBA and other achievements. I had to sit down and write down stuff that I needed to change and embrace the new economy. I went back to the restaurant business and started this blog.

How To Take Responsibility

What is responsibility? How does one take personal responsibility? What does it mean to have a sense of responsibility?

You have to take responsibility for your reactions, actions, words from your mouth, social media exchanges, feelings, and thoughts. The life around you is created by you from the above actions. You have to realize no one is controlling you. No one can force you to react, say something, do something, or do anything. It is within your power how you respond to the environment around you.

Take Control

I am a super sensitive person. However, I am getting better and learning that not everything is about me. If someone cuts you on the highway, it is more about what is going on in their life and not mine. A hurting person is always out to hurt other people. I have to take control of how I respond to everything happening around me. I cannot control how other people respond.

Happiness

We focus on happiness and forget about joy. The world, children, friends, work, colleagues, parents, and spouse are not responsible to make you happy. It is a daily decision that comes from within and a life filled with forgiveness, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, and gratitude.

Go on a walk, connect with nature, write down what you are grateful for, spend time with loved ones, listen to music that uplifts your soul, and become creative.

Do not focus on the past or the future but the present.

There is nothing we can do about the past. We can learn from it. We do not know what tomorrow brings. So, relish the present. It is called a present or a gift for a reason. Embrace it and use it to the full extent.

Become Intentional

In life you have choices. Become intentional in having a great fulfilling career, amazing spouse, amazing health, amazing neighborhood. Become the change that is needed. Have a mission and vision statement for your life. It will come alive.

Breathe deeply

If issues come in life, take a deep breath. Calm yourself down. Look at confidence-building measures that empower you to respond positively.

Love Unconditionally

Be very careful about how you judge other people. Are you using a different measure than how you measure yourself? People are broken. Some hide it better. Do not label anyone. Give people the benefit of doubt. I have yet to meet a fully secure person. People do, say and act weird because of their insecurities.

Listen

Ask my daughter what is my biggest weakness? She will say I am a lousy listener. I love talking. I can talk for hours. I like to be a selective listener and like to respond right away. I need to understand what my daughter is saying.

Apologize

We have hurt people. Just admit it. We may have bullied people in school. We may have said some hurtful things. We may have stolen. The list goes on. Go ahead and say sorry. You are taking responsibility for your actions.

Taking responsibility for your actions also means patting yourself on the back for a great job done, getting a promotion, doing well in school, or just succeeding in life.

I talked about that taking responsibility empowers you and lets you thrive in life. You can choose to be positive or guilty. The choice is yours. The positive mindset is not reactive but proactive. Therefore, it is a sign of maturity, respect for everyone around you.

I challenge you to take responsibility for every area of your life. Accept your humanity, brokenness, imperfection, and embrace taking responsibility.

Go for a win-win situation and empower yourself to live a positive, fruitful, valuable, and satisfying life.

Write to me or comment as to how taking responsibility has changed your life.

Photo Credits:  Gerd Altmann  Adi Goldstein  Gabriel Matula  Isaiah Rustad George Gvasalia STIL Sharon McCutcheon Aiony Haust Felix Koutchinski

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