Sonia from Life With Sonia talks about the challenges she has faced in life and how to overcome them.

Sonia, it is a pleasure to interview you.  I want to know something important about you. 

Thank you for having me. I am a Nigerian born but have lived in the United Kingdom for most of my life. I am a single mother – I have a 5-year-old daughter. I am the eldest out of 3 children; however, I have 2 older stepsisters and 5 half-sisters, and 2 half-brothers. I know, my family is very big. I have 2 disabilities from childhood. I am deaf, I wear 2 digital hearing aids, and my right arm was amputated after a car accident in Nigeria when I was 6 years old. Despite having these disabilities, I have a very positive approach to life, and I have always been a fighter to have my own independence.

Walk me through what life with Sonia is all about? Who is your audience and why should we read it?  

My blog, Life With Sonia, is a lifestyle blog. I initially started blogging to share my personal experiences as I grow as a single parent and start life all over again. Due to the fact that I have a 5-year-old who is about to start primary school, I feel this is when parenting and guidance actually start. When she was a baby, it was much easier and under my control, but now I feel there are going to be a lot more experiences that I have to be ready for and I want to share that with the world. My audience can be anyone really, from high school students to parents. I try to share posts about life lessons from when I was a teenager to the woman I am now. I have been through a lot growing up, which includes, bullying, racism, discrimination, and having no confidence in myself at all. And now as a mother, I also want to give something to my daughter to go back to when she starts school and facing difficult times. Hopefully, someone could learn from it, and hopefully, someone will be inspired by it.

Life is not about finding yourself; it is about creating yourself.  Please comment?

We all have a gift. When you are transitioning from a toddler to an adult, you were finding yourself. You had dreams, you took classes, and you graduate. Now what? You start working, right? 5 years down the line, you realize this was not for you, and then you start finding and building another dream all over again.  At this point, you realize that you have wasted the last 10 years of your life finding and chasing a dream that wasn’t meant for you in the first place. Instead, you should have been working and building yourself to your expectation and not what your families, friends, and society expects from you.

We as a society are caught up in perfection. You talk about stop having this perfect body. What have you learned through the process?

The perfect body has become one of my top blog posts. A lot of the times, we have done things that are beyond imaginable to achieve this ‘perfect body’, and no matter what we do, are never satisfied with we have, we always want to go higher and do better. However, putting your health at risk should not be part of the deal. It’s okay to want to look have some curves, big breasts, big bums, etc. You can work on that naturally, or get cosmetics, but your body has a limit and we are all uniquely designed. With that being said, you can not achieve what you really want, without risking your health.

Gratitude in life is very important. How are you grateful on a daily basis?

Sometimes in life, you don’t need much to stay grateful. Knowing that I am one step closer to achieving my dreams and having my daughter telling me she loves me every day is how I stay grateful on a daily basis.

You write a lot about being a single parent. Name me some of the challenges?

Being a single parent is a challenge itself. I don’t think anyone plans to be a single parent, and want to deal with all the challenges that come along with it all alone. I have struggled with confidence in believing that I can do it all by myself. Managing budget finance was very challenging and it’s still is. I also struggle with self-care. As a parent, you want to give your child everything you have but to do that you have also think about yourself.

Talk to me about some of the tough times you have had to deal with in life. How did you overcome it?

When I was 3 months pregnant, I was diagnosed with HIV. It was the darkest time of my life. I was so confused, asked lots of questions. I was pregnant, and now being diagnosed with HIV? I thought the doctors got it wrong. It couldn’t have been me, no way. I cried a lot, every single night. There were times I had tried to commit suicide because I just couldn’t handle the news. The pregnancy was supposed to be one of the best things that have ever happened to me but now I was facing another challenge. My parents were not as supportive as I would have liked. I felt very lonely and depressed. Couldn’t eat or sleep. Asking myself what’s going to happen in the future? What if the baby has the virus? How’s her life going to be? There were so many negative thoughts going on. When my daughter was born, she was tested negative. That was a big weight off my shoulder. I took it upon myself to make sure my daughter knows that I love her and to create a better life for my daughter and myself. So, when she was 2 years old, I was decided to stop crying and fight hard and went back to further education in hopes to get a good job and live a better life.

Do you want to give yourself some advice on 17 and 27?

I wrote a blog post called ‘Letter to my younger self’. In the post, I spoke about how things are finally coming together. I would tell her not to try to fit in and stop worrying about what other people think about her.

What have you learned through motherhood?

Motherhood has taught me many things about life. I have learned how powerful ‘Love’ is. You have not experienced any real love until you’re a parent.

Why should we visit Aberdeen and what are the good restaurants to eat at?

Aberdeen is a city that welcomes any culture from all over the world. The city is small but has everything to make you fall in love with it. The weather is not great throughout the year, however, with that being said, we appreciate the warm and sunny weather in the summer and white snow in the weather. In Aberdeen, we love to eat. The city center is filled with lots of restaurants, small or big. What I love about it is that we have different food from different cultures. So, everyone is welcome and feels at home.

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Racism is evil. Keesha McLaren’s faith commands her to overcome evil with good. Racism shows a lack of love. Keesha’s faith asks that she love unconditionally. Love means to be patient with those who look down on you; it means to be kind to those who judge you for the color of your skin. The most challenging is that she cannot keep a record of any wrongs. Keesha has to persevere and hope for the best outcome. The faith that she follows asks her to get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, slander, malice, and to forgive and be compassionate towards those who have called her names because of her color.

‘Evil is powerful, but good is more powerful. In fact, evil is so powerful that only good has the power to overcome evil. Darkness can be driven away only by light.’ ― Jay E. Adams, How to Overcome Evil

I personally love people of all colors, races, creeds, backgrounds, sexual orientations, and nationalities. I have interviewed Mayple Dorrington, Casey Palmer, Michelle Marshall, Dr. Valerie Fitzpatrick, Sonia, Davianna, Bobby Ray Jones Jr., Paula Eriya, Zenovia Shaw, Kunle Tauhid, and Sherron Grant. They are members of the black community and are chiropractors, chefs, authors, principals at a school, entrepreneurs, Vice-Presidents at a bank, and game-changers.

Fourcolumns will be an agent for change and the conscience of our society. We cannot allow this discussion to become a flavor of the month. However, we need to have a discussion with a flavor of peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, lament, compassion, and forgiveness. Each and every one of us who is reading has to look at our own mental, psychological, physical, emotional, cultural, financial, and spiritual biases.

Two weeks back I reached out to Keesha as to how she was doing. I was humbled by her response. ‘I’m doing well. I’m healthy, I have food to eat, a place to live and for the moment a job. God loves me and is taking great care of me so I have absolutely nothing to complain about.’ I had to talk to her. I wanted to get her perspective on the current climate.

Keesha, good to connect after a long time. Please tell me a little bit about you?

Hi, my name is Keesha McLaren and I’m a Registered Holistic Nutritionist. I’m a sister, an aunt, a plant-based foodie, and an aspiring yogi. I have a passion for God, health, and helping others. My ultimate goal is to make my corner of the world a little better by helping my clients find a healthier version of themselves.

Let’s get honest here. Talk to me about how you are feeling concerning George Floyd?

In a word disgusted. The way those police officers treated Mr. Floyd was inhumane. Regardless of what he had done, he did not deserve the treatment he received. I’m sickened by the way Officer Chauvin used his knee to choke the life out of Mr. Floyd; all the while with his hands in his pocket, looking around as if he was kneeling on a rubber snake and not a living human being begging for his life.

What goes on in the mind of one human that makes him think it’s okay to treat another human like that without thought, care, compassion, or feeling?

Black Lives Matter is important. We need to have this conversation. We need to lament and lift our brothers and sisters. Please comment?

I am downright astounded that after the abolishment of slavery, the civil rights movement, the collapse of apartheid, and the brutality of Rodney King that society is in the same place where it started. “Black Lives Matter” why is this even up for debate? Are black people not also human? Why should we need to point this out? The same society who fights vehemently for the rights of animals also disregards the life of its fellow citizens – appalling. Why should anyone be treated differently because of something as unimportant as the color of their skin? Who chooses their skin color? Is a brown dog less of a dog than a black one or white one or a spotted one? Of course not, its just skin!

Black people are asking for equality, not to be treated better, not for a handout or a hand up, all they are asking is to be given the same opportunity as their fellow white citizens to live. The thing I find truly amazing is that after the treatment black people have had to endure for the last four hundred years they’re seeking equality and not revenge.

Talk to me about your own experience growing up black in Toronto?

To be honest I’ve had a good life. I moved to Canada, Toronto specifically as a fifteen-year-old. I lived in a good area and attend a good school so I didn’t experience any overt prejudice. This is a sad thing to say that as a black person you have lived a good life if all you have experienced is covert prejudice.

The high school I went to was predominantly Jewish and I remember vividly on my first visit the guidance counselor saying I would likely find it challenging to fit in because most of the students attended the same elementary and junior high schools so they have formed tight friendship bonds. In reality “tight friendship bonds” was not the problem, it was prejudice. The prejudice of color, economics, and culture prevented those white students from socializing with me or even being civil. I was the wrong color, from the wrong end of the economic spectrum and came from the wrong place. It was as crystal clear to me then as it is to me now looking back. I guess some experiences were the regular shenanigans common to the high school experience of most students but some experiences were definitely outside the norm. I was always the last one picked in physed class even though I was fitter and faster than even some of the boys. No one wanted to partner with me for group projects and when I was in a group I always had to work harder than everyone else to prove myself. I remember the guidance counselor suggesting to me that maybe I should set my sights on an easier university to get into “just in case I don’t get into my preferred school.”

At university, the color was less of an issue and I felt I could be myself. The student population was very diverse and in general, I think university students are more socially advanced than the rest of society so acceptance was not a challenge.

After leaving university and entering the corporate world, the reality of prejudice smacked me in the face again and has not left. I have been passed over for promotions, given unfair evaluations that could not be justified, my workload was always heavy and I could never get any help regardless of the number of times I asked. I was never offered any of the perks my other coworkers received.

Being treated as less than and undeserving has been my reality first as a black teenager and now as an adult.

The faith you follow talks about peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, and the big one forgiveness. How are you reconciling everything you are going through, feeling, and your faith?

My belief in God and his principles grounds me when there is injustice all around me. My faith does not insulate me against hardship, it puts it into perspective. Bad situations are not made better but it helps me to not become bitter in my pain. I can move past hardship because God loves me. I can forgive and be merciful towards others because God did that for me. I cannot and must not sit in the seat of self-righteousness and judge others when I myself am imperfect and worthy of judgment. God forgives me for my wrongs and this allows me to forgive others for theirs. Now don’t get me wrong, I have not forgotten the wrongs but I decided not to allow the behavior of others to determine how I live my life.

The older I get, I find it is important to be resilient to cling on to your goals, ethos, and values.  Please comment?

It is important to stay true to your values. As the saying goes “if you don’t stand for anything, you will fall for everything.” It has been my experience that if you clearly mark your boundary lines people are less likely to cross them. I don’t expect anyone to know my values so the onus is on me to tell them. I have to tell them what and where my boundaries are so they know how far I am willing to go. I also have to decide for myself what the repercussions for crossing them will be and stick to them – otherwise what is the point of having them?

In your own words, what does women empowerment mean to you?

Female empowerment to me means that I have the right and the space to say what I believe without coercion or the fear of consequences from those who may disagree with me.

Life is tough, challenging and sometimes you feel like you are in the tunnel for a long time. Have you had such a moment in your life and how did you deal with it?

Everyone goes through difficult seasons its called life. It is hurt, disappointments, injustices, pain, and the like but as long as I have a life I have to persevere and I have to have hope. Some days all I can do is focus on the current minute that I am living in and when I make it through I focus on the next. Life is messy, sometimes everything is great, and sometimes it’s not but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going forward. One day you’ll look up and there will be light.

How do you balance food, faith, finance, and family?

With prayer, patience, and perseverance. I ask God to give me what I need and to help me to desire what I need as opposed to what I want. As I have gotten older I have discovered that I don’t need a lot of “stuff” and this realization helps me not spend time and energy chasing what I don’t have and be content and grateful for what I do have. God for His own purpose has chosen to bless me by meeting all my needs, I can truly say I lack nothing. As a young adult I often meditated on Proverbs 30: 8-9 “…give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.” Thankfully, so far God has honored this prayer.

Finally, give yourself advice at 15, 25, and 35?

The advice I would give my 15-year-old self is to work harder than you feel you’re working. And don’t be in such a rush to grow up, time goes flying by much faster than you realize.

To my 25-year-old self I say, think about, plan out and work for the life you desire. Don’t procrastinate! Be ready to seize every opportunity and don’t be so easily discouraged. Focus on yourself and don’t worry about the people around you because you never know what they have done or are doing to get to where they are.

To my 35-year-old self I say, recognize your worth and don’t settle for less.

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