Intimacy is derived from the Latin word ‘intimus,’ which means ‘inner’ or ‘innermost.’ Intimacy is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.’ Dating and marriage are commonly related to intimacy. There is physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Talk to any couple that has had a kid and ask them about their romantic life. You will not get an answer because it does not exist.

I talk to Alicia, a personal development blogger from FemmAllure, about navigating intimacy and motherhood.

Hi Alicia, please tell me something about yourself?

I’m a mom – first and foremost – a personal development blogger and a language coach. I am from beautiful Jamaica! 

I grew up in a deep rural community here in Jamaica, and for a huge part of my life, I lived in poverty as well. Growing up in such an environment really limited my opportunities and exposure in life and crafted a reality of hopelessness for me. 

My views on almost every facet of life were wrong: money, beauty, dating, happiness, friends, relationship, and parenting. You name it.

However, as I grew older and began my self-acceptance and improvement journey, I forced myself to step outside of my comfort zone, to read and ask questions. To challenge my “reality”. I changed my way of thinking, improved my mindset, and today, I am much better for it. 

It’s now my goal: to reach back to other women who have the same struggles that I had and believe the same myths that I did. To show them that, no, your life isn’t set in stone, and that, yes, you can get that job, that husband, that life. You can start that business, have that home, that family. 

You can pull yourself up no matter how difficult the situation may be, so long as you live in a country where you’re free to make choices, have the right mindset, and are willing to work for that better life. Even if you don’t see how today.

I’m Alicia and I help women find happiness by sharing the processes that took me from being that broke and lonely girl in the country to the woman I am today: with a family I adore and a feeling of genuine happiness. A feeling I never thought I could’ve ever had. A feeling I didn’t think I deserved.

Let’s talk about Intimacy. What is it?

When people think about intimacy, they tend to only think about sex. But intimacy runs so much deeper than that. Keep in mind that you can have sex without intimacy and you can have intimacy without sex. This is something I mentioned in my article How To Keep The Intimacy In Your Relationship After Having Kids.

If you Google “intimacy” the very first definition, you’ll see is “a close familiarity and friendship”. 

Intimacy to me is that deep connection and bond you have with your spouse. It is that desire to connect with them on the soul level. It’s when you have a deep desire for the person. Intimacy to me is that feeling you had at the beginning of the relationship. Where all you wanted to do was to be with them, touch them, see them, smell them, taste them. And when you were a part – even just for a little bit – you missed them very much and couldn’t wait to be together again. Intimacy is a soul connection.

How is intimacy expressed in a relationship?

As I’ve mentioned, for the most part, when people think of intimacy, they think of sex. That’s because the easiest, most common, and best way to express intimacy in a relationship is through sexual intercourse.

Intimacy is also expressed through closeness and spending quality time with your partner. And by quality time, I mean alone time. Spending quality alone time with your partner, where there are no distractions – just the two of you getting lost in each other in the moment – is one of the most important ways to express and keep the intimacy in your relationship.

Don’t forget that intimacy is expressed through the little touches throughout the day as well. The little smiles when your heart is full. Little text messages, gifts. Through words of affirmation, gestures of goodwill. It is important to learn what your love language(s) is(are) as well as that of your partner.

Just keep in mind that getting down and dirty is the perfect end to a perfect day.

How is intimacy impacted by motherhood?

There is no denying that once kids come into the picture, intimacy is drastically impacted. You have screaming kids and leaky boobs. You’re constantly running around picking up after tiny people and preventing them from getting hurt. You’re covered in diapers. You feel like you smell like puke, and when you don’t feel like that you feel like you smell like a baby.

And to add insult to injury, you’ve gained weight so you really don’t feel very attractive.  “Let’s get freaky baby! wink wink” will be the last thing on your mind.

And it’s understandable. For the first few months, your partner is very understanding and he supports you. He’s helpful. He constantly reassures you and puts his manly urges to the back of his mind.

But a few months turn into a year, then two and before you know it, the fire in your relationship is all but gone because you’ve allowed yourself to be “understanding” indefinitely. You slowly become roommates and business partners who happen to live together raising kids and occasionally have sex.

But there’s no intimacy. There’s no connection. You love each other. But you’re no longer connected.

How important is intimacy in motherhood really?

What I just mentioned, is dangerous territory. This opens up the door to all kinds of marital problems. Take my partner and me for example. Before we figured out how to bring the intimacy back into our relationship, we’d fight over everything. ALL THE TIME. Fights would last for days sometimes as other fights piled into existing fights.

Our relationship was dying. Why was that? I mean we deeply loved and cared for each other. So how could two people who love each other and couldn’t imagine their life without each other, be so cross with each other?

We were growing apart. The culprit? A lack of intimacy. We were both good to each other. Never cheated. Never lied. But we kept drifting further and further apart. That caused us to lose that connection that made the little things not matter. We were slowly becoming less and less attracted to each other. We were on the road to becoming acquaintances.

Intimacy is like the cream in a sandwich cookie. Technically you could eat the cookie without the cream but it just wouldn’t be the same, would it? Intimacy is what separates a healthy, functioning relationship between two partners from a platonic one. It’s the intimacy that makes the difference. It’s the intimacy that keeps the flames of passion burning in the relationship. It’s the intimacy that makes it more than just friendship. More than just transactional.

A mother has to do so much and on top of that Intimacy. Is it asking for too much?

As a mom of two boys myself, I can completely understand why this thought would come about. It’s hard sometimes. But I can also say this: I do not think it’s “asking too much”. 

Here’s why: Is it asking too much that your partner shows their love and affection towards you? Is it too much to ask that your partner validates you? Is it too much to ask that your partner makes you feel special? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows you that they still value you the way they did in the beginning or that they value you even more now? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows that they still find you ravishingly attractive?

I think not.

My belief is that it’s only too much when the relationship is – or is becoming – toxic. In other words, your partner doesn’t help you AT ALL. You cannot – or don’t – communicate your desires with your partner. Your partner is not taking care of your needs as well. Your partner does not make efforts to show you that you are appreciated. 

If the woman has to do everything and her partner never pitches in to help her out – or even arrange for her to get the help she needs – then comes home expecting or demanding intimacy from his woman is in fact asking too much.

But if he makes the effort, even if he does not get it right all the time, then I do not believe it’s asking too much. Back to the sandwich cookie analogy. Is it too much to ask that a sandwich cookie has delicious cream in the middle? I think not.

Walk me through how important communication is through the whole process?

Without effective communication between both parties, the intimacy is doomed to die and the relationship will suffer drastically. Even fail. Quite frankly, in my eyes, a relationship with no intimacy is a failed one.

The intimacy in my relationship was threatened with the conception of my second child. We were going through a difficult time in our relationship. I had to work long hours to help keep the family afloat while he tried to build his business.

This is a conversation we had and I encouraged him to do it. At first, I thought it was no big deal. That it wouldn’t affect us. But as the work kept piling up, the intimacy kept dwindling. We had no time for the lovey-dovey stuff. When we weren’t both working our butts to the bone, we were raising my eldest. And for me, since he was going full-time on building his business, it meant I had to work and also take care of the home. 

But his feelings towards me didn’t change. I was gaining weight due to the pregnancy but I was even more attractive to him. So he would still want to get intimate with me. What I realized though was that I was subconsciously developing resentment towards him. He was taking too long. I was doing too much. I was burnt out. I couldn’t manage. But I never shared any of this with him. I just expected him to notice.

Here’s what’s wrong with that: it’s toxic. It meant I was expecting him to see the world through my eyes but I was not extending him the same courtesy. It was only when I decided to share my concerns with him that I realized he WAS also over-extending himself. We were both overworked and stressed. Motherhood was exhausting not only to me but also to him. I had completely forgotten about his needs and was only consumed with my exhaustion.

What fixed it? It was a chat with a girlfriend of mine that put things into perspective for me. She asked me “what did he say when you explained all this to him?” Right then and there, it hit me like a brick to the face: I didn’t. Here is how to communicate this with your partner:

Before you start the conversation, commit to listening attentively without interrupting or getting triggered and ask that he does the same.

Communicate with an open heart

Let go of any resentment

Let go of any expectations that you believe he should have met

Assume he doesn’t know or that he doesn’t understand (because sadly, men are often quite clueless).

Be open to his criticisms

Allow him to be open about his concerns too

Remember your partner has needs too

Remember that you are not communicating to solve your needs. You are communicating to solve both your needs.

Do not accuse or blame each other

This allows you to be completely present in the conversation. It allows you to be open with your partner. It allows you to identify any other weaknesses that may be interfering. It allows you to come to a common, mutually beneficial solution.

Is there a balance?

Yes. There is a balance but that balance can only be achieved through open communication and willing hearts. Both parties will have to meet each other halfway no matter how difficult it may seem at first. 

It is not possible for me to say what the exact balance is because every relationship dynamic is different. Let’s say a couple used to have intimate time together every day before kids and now that’s nonexistent or it has been reduced to once a week. 

So you schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly date nights. That might be an okay balance for some couples but for others, it might not be. There is no one-size-fits-all. You have to evaluate your unique relationship dynamic, communicate openly and honestly with your partner, so you can find the balance that works for you.

Not what works for someone else. What works for YOU.  What you should pay attention to though is if the relationship is struggling or the connection between the two of you feels as though it’s waning. Because if that’s the case, it means the balance hasn’t been struck.

Can a mother be empowered through intimacy with her partner?

A mother can most definitely be empowered through intimacy with her partner. It is empowering to know that you are still desired. That you are still the most beautiful woman in his world. That above all else, he wants to share that part of himself with you and only you.

For me, one of the most empowering feelings is when I get dressed up in something extra special and extra sexy for him. Then I see him take notice or he can’t keep his hands off me. It’s empowering for me to know that I am the one who fulfills that primal need for him.

What are some unrealistic expectations both parties need to let go of?

Expecting your partner to just know or expecting it to be “obvious to them”

Expecting your partner to always take the intuitive

Expecting your partner to suppress their needs

Expecting your partner to fulfill your needs without reciprocating

Expecting your partner to always be ready all the time

Expecting things to be the same as it was before you had kids

These are some unrealistic expectations that are pretty common in relationships as it relates to intimacy post-having kids. However, these expectations are not only toxic, but they are also dangerous and can be damaging to your bond and the relationship as a whole. 

Harboring these kinds of expectations is a sure way for resentment to be fostered because these expectations cannot be met 100% of the time. If they are met at all, it will be very rare and require your partner to overextend themselves. That is not healthy as it stretches the person too thin. They are bound to snap at some point and that is making a bed for bitter arguments.

Give me some practical advice on how mothers can enhance intimacy in their relationships?

Mindset

If you are serious about making changes in your life, you must first start with your mind. This is no less true when it comes to building or strengthening the intimacy in your relationship.

You must change the way you view intimacy in the relationship. As I’ve mentioned before, when we think of intimacy, we tend to think of sexual intercourse but you must change that view and recognize that intimacy goes so much deeper.

You must also retrain your brain and refrain from thinking of intimacy as a chore. If you view intimacy as the truest expression of your love for your partner, then you are much more likely to be present in each moment.

It starts with you (spend time alone)

Kids in the picture mean hardly enough time to spend time together as a couple! So naturally, it means alone time is almost impossible. I’ve explored that concept on my blog but trust me when I say this, intimacy starts with you. 

You NEED to spend time reconnecting with yourself if you ever hope to be truly present with your partner. Alone time also helps you to think of ways you can promote intimacy in your relationship. Alone time helps you to reconnect with the foxy vixen inside you. 

Build your confidence back

I actually wrote an article on building your body confidence back after having a kid. Because the reality is that, once we have kids our body changes. Because our body changes, it creates insecurities. These insecurities affect our ability to connect and be intimate with our partners.

If you want to build intimacy in your relationship but you struggle with body image issues, you have to work on improving that first. You can’t bury it and you cannot ignore it. You must face the beast head-on. 

Once you’ve conquered it, you’ll be much more able to appreciate yourself. Your experiences won’t be clouded by insecurities and you’ll be much more willing to express your sensuality with your partner. And enjoy it!

Communicate with your partner

Every healthy, functioning relationship is fueled by effective communication. You must learn to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You must be willing to deal with the tough conversations so you can strengthen the bond with the one you love. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

No, he’s not “supposed to know”. No, it’s not “obvious”. You’re supposed to tell him. You’re supposed to be open and honest about your feelings, wants, and desires. 

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the way you do. Don’t expect your partner to understand or perceive the world the way you do. Release yourself of those toxic expectations so you can openly communicate with your partner.

You shouldn’t be afraid to lovingly communicate with your partner because you deserve intimacy in your relationship just as much as he craves it. And why wouldn’t you? It makes for a much healthier, happier, and stronger relationship.

Take the initiative (set the mood)

Don’t always rely on your partner to take the initiative. It truly does make a man feel valued and appreciated when he is pursued sometimes. Naturally, as with everything, there is a balance to be maintained because you still want to let him feel as if his primal need to be a hunter is being met.

What you can do is drop subtle hints. Leave him a love note. Send him a dirty text. Wear something revealing for him around the house. Give him a peep show when the kids aren’t looking.

Remember intercourse is only one expression of intimacy but that connection can be greatly enhanced if you include these little things in your daily routine. Intimacy is about the little moments that lead up to the big moment, so take the initiative to create those little moments sometimes. It will go a long way.

The post Navigating Intimacy & Motherhood appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

December is known as the birthday of Jesus Christ. We know it as Christmas.

However, there is more to Christmas than gifts under the tree, shopping, lights on the tree and outside the home, spending time with friends and family, snow outside, stockings all over the home, singing carols, turkey dinners, and wishing people ‘Merry Christmas’.

It can also be a stressful time for many people who do not have family or friends or funds to buy gifts. Christmas is a time to be joyful, heal, and renew our strength.  The star shone brightly over Bethlehem.

I talk to Lauren, who runs a blog called Mindful of Christ, to find out about the Christian faith and Christmas.

Lauren is the mum of two beautiful children. She recently completed a BA Hons in Health and social care and also has a diploma in CBT. Lauren became a born-again Christian in 2004. She is transparent about her ups and downs with mental health, depression, anxiety, and self-harm. But God helped her with these and she has learned to refocus from the negative and towards Christ. She practices being mindful of Him, thus the name of her blog ‘Mindful of Christ’. She is the author of ‘Christian-based Cognitive Behavioural therapy.’ She is also a Coach; helping people recognize & overcome limiting beliefs & negative mindsets and helps them grow in their relationships with Christ & themselves and find their God-given purpose & begin on this journey.

Lauren, I want to know something unique about you?

I went paragliding for my 18th birthday, it was amazing!

Walk me through what attracted you to English literature? What does writing do for you?

I’ve always enjoyed writing. As a child, I loved to write stories and poetry. Then three years ago, God asked me to begin this writing journey, with blogging.

Writing is extremely therapeutic, I love expressing myself and being guided by God in what I’m writing, in order to encourage, inspire and uplift others.

The post Christ: Relationship & Love appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Introduction

Tara holds a Ph.D. in professional counseling from Liberty University and has theological training through her Master’s of Divinity in professional counseling from Tyndale Seminary. She is also a Registered Psychotherapist in good standing with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario and is a certified member in good standing with the OACCPP Mental Health Professionals. Tara’s respectful accepting approach balanced with gentle but firm truths provides a warm and comfortable environment for those clients she supports.

I ask Tara the nitty-gritty stuff about marriage, the benefits of counseling and how to thrive in marriage.

Tara Lalonde thanks for taking the time in your busy schedule to answer these questions. Please tell me a little about you?

I am a registered psychotherapist in Ontario, as well as a speaker and author.  I have been in private practice for over a decade, helping individual adults and couples find life-transforming change.  While I love working with all of my clients, I have been profoundly blessed with being able to openly work with clients who share my faith in Jesus.  In those relationships, I have found Jesus to be very active in bringing clients into deeper and more impactful journeys with Him.

Please describe your journey to faith?

The Lord is so good and faithful to me.  My journey began with Him when I was a teen.  I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptized at age 16.  It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that He became the Lord of my life, though.  At that time, I realized I could no longer live with one foot in the world and the other trying to follow Jesus.  My way wasn’t working.  I confessed needing things to go my way and turned my control over to Him.

I wish I could say it was smooth sailing from there, but that would not be realistic.  However, He has been faithful to use all of my mistakes and poor choices to move me closer to Him and deeper into surrender.  He has also led me to difficult choices with the intent on teaching me to surrender more and release all control to Him.

One of those choices, that I talk about in my book, was leading me to get a double master’s degree, rather than simply focusing on my professional counseling degree.  What He didn’t tell me was that I was not going to be able to accomplish the full second major because my brain simply does not learn languages well (I later found out I have a diagnosable learning disorder).

You see, to get a second major in Pastoral Studies, as He led me to do, meant taking four Biblical language courses.  I choose Hebrew because I was told it is marginally easier than Greek.  Well, by the end of the second course in Hebrew, I knew I was not retaining it and would not be able to complete the remaining two courses.

That felt like a failure to me and sent me into a battle of doubt with the Lord.  He knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, so why did He push me to take this?  In that place of pain and questioning, God showed up to me and revealed that He is still God, and I am okay.  Failure did not define me and, in fact, He was pleased with me for obeying, even though He had no intention of me ever actually receiving a second full major.  I learned I don’t have to fear failure because God is still in control, and the results of my obedience are up to Him, not me.  I settled with a minor in pastoral and graduated the year after all of my classmates.

This is only one area that the Lord has put me in situations where I am required to depend on Him; for there are many others in my life as well.  Through the years I have learned that it is better to depend on the Lord for all things than to have an easy life that does not push us beyond our comfort and abilities.

Last year I spent two weeks in Cuba and took only two books with me. One of them was yours ‘An Unexpected Freedom: Discover Peace and Joy in the Reality of Life’. Share a little about this book and what made you write it?

Wow, thank you for choosing my book to be one of your two.  That was another area where the Lord pushed me out of my comfort zone to write and publish this book.  Don’t get me wrong, the content has been a passion of mine for many years and is birthed out of this whole idea of surrender and dependence on God.  I just never imagined that I could write a book.

An Unexpected Freedom guides readers down into the valley of dying to self and back up the other side to find meaning, hope, and deeper peace that is not dependent upon life circumstances working out the way we want them to.

Through this journey I reveal the mistaken beliefs of our culture and shed light on how Scripture reveals dying to self, letting go of control to God, and learning to see life through God’s perspective can actually change our lives to become more joy-filled, peaceful, and fulfilling.

Throughout, I share parts of my own story and the stories of others who have also taken this journey.  The intent is to bring to life the possibility that this is not simply something theoretical, but rather a reality that is accessible to readers in our time and even within our changing culture.

I really do live this and seek to live it in greater and greater measure.  As we learn to release more and more of our control, wants, and expectations, God shows up and transforms our negative experiences into times of drawing nearer to Him and sends us on everyday adventures we would have missed had we not had His perspective to see them.

This doesn’t mean we won’t struggle and have pain.  In fact, that is always a normal part of the human experience.  Becoming a Christian and surrendering it all to God doesn’t rescue us from that.  It simply and profoundly changes how we interpret the pain and thus overcome it.  This is the peace that passes understanding that Paul talks about.  Not removal from trails and pain but peace and perspective within them.

You have been a counselor for a while, and you did your thesis on marriage. What surprised you and what did you learn from it?

I think the most profound learning, that is often quite surprising, is the idea that in order to have a fulfilling and healthy marriage, one must take 100% responsibility for their own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being.  That does not guarantee a healthy marriage because the health of the marriage takes two people and we only control our own side of that.  But, it does put your own well being and experience of the marriage back within your own control.

This idea is painful for some people.

We want a good marriage and it is often easier to see the faults in our spouses than to recognize and do the work of taking care of our own well being.  In fact, many of us believe it is our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and whole… remember the famous romantic movie line, “you complete me”.  It is a lovely sentiment but it is absolutely inaccurate and unhelpful and sets us up for a lifetime of disappointment.

God completes us as we surrender to Him and seek His perspective on ourselves and our spouses.  From the place of increasing wholeness with God, we then can love our spouse sacrificially.  This too is pleasing to God, who happens to be our sole purpose in life.  When our spouse does this also, it feels great!  When they don’t, with this perspective, we can be okay anyway.  Our focus is on God’s “well done good and faithful servant”, not our spouse’s.

When they don’t love us the way we want or expect, or even how they should, two things happen.  The first is that we learn to rely on God even more for our sufficiency; He is so gentle and faithful in that.  And, we store up treasures in heaven that one day we will reap the rewards of in ways we cannot even imagine here.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us in heaven!

One of my readers from India wants you to give us five practical points on how to have a great marriage?

Really it is what I have been talking about.  Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your spouse from the place of being loved in return from God in all of those areas.  When we know our God and how much He loves and accepts us, we can love others without requiring them to love us back in any particular way.

Practically, this may mean venting to God about your spouse before releasing them to Him.  Then ask Him to give a new perspective on your spouse and on what you might be doing to contribute to your situation.  Sometimes it really is just the other person, but often we contribute to our pain through how we talk to ourselves about our spouse, what we are not getting, how unfair it is, or how others don’t have it like this.

I recently was finding myself getting so frustrated with my husband and reacting with an intensity that is unusual for me.  What he was doing warranted my frustration, but I was compelled to look inward.  Even if this behavior of his never changes, I cannot be reacting like this.  It is not who I want to be.

So, I took some time in prayer and reflection to see what in me this was hitting.  Even though I have done a lot of internal reflection and growing over the years, I was surprised to find a core wound from my childhood that I had never realized before.  I then sought my own counsel to resolve the mistaken beliefs I had developed from way back then.  I now have been able to release those beliefs and have taken on a more truthful perspective of myself.

The next time my husband does something to hit that button, I may still react, but not likely to the extreme that I had because the root of the button has been discharged.

As we seek to continually take care of and heal ourselves, our marriage experience improves.  When both partners do this, then we get to what God really intended for marriage.  But, we cannot control that part.  Only our own.  And for that, we get God’s rewards, even if our spouse is not able at this time.

Another reader from Malaysia asks how do we deal with unrealistic expectations that we bring into a marriage?

Indeed, we all bring expectations into marriage and many of those are unrealistic.  At the same time, it is challenging because we are not always even aware that we had these expectations until they are not met.

You may be seeing a theme here in my answers.  The best way to work through these is to recognize them within yourself and explore where they have come from.  Are they realistic?  Are they in line with Scripture?  (My spouse meeting all of my emotional needs is not, though it is a very real cultural expectation for many people.)

If you find that you believe your expectation is realistic and in line with your understanding with the Bible (or at least not against it), then openly discuss it with your spouse.  This cannot be with the intent to change them, however.  It is more sharing that you have this expectation and where it may have come from for you.

Ask what they think.  Ask what their expectations are regarding that part of your marriage.  Explore if there could be a way to work together to find a winning solution that both of you can feel good about.

If not, then return to the Lord and ask Him to help you release it or surrender it.  You can also ask that He changes your spouse, but then you must again, return to, but if you don’t, change me.

A simple example in my marriage is that I unknowingly had the expectation that when I was cooking and realized I needed something, that I could ask my husband to go get it and he would if he wasn’t in the middle of something.  When I tried that early on in our marriage, he said no, and may have even been annoyed that I hadn’t checked before starting.

This came as a surprise to me.  I had to explore where that expectation came from.  It was not hard to find, you see, this is how my parents functioned.  But, in my husband’s family, his dad did not do that.  In fact, his mom would often be the one to do this kind of thing for his dad.  So, it was the reverse.  I also realized I probably wouldn’t want to do that for him either in that situation, and that was surprising.

In the end, there was no big agreed upon shift for us.  I simply had to release him from that expectation and then work on my own unwillingness, seeking God’s desire for my character in this kind of situation.

In your marriage workshop you bring out a baby elephant, please tell my audience about it concerning unmet needs?

Ah, the elephant.  I love the example of an elephant.  It can be used in so many ways.  First, elephants are large animals and can seem very heavy and possibly overwhelming.  Feelings can be like that, too.

We also have a phrase in North America about “the elephant in the room”.  This refers to things, that everyone in the room is aware of, but are not being discussed openly.  This too can be how we deal with our feelings.

Finally, in different parts of the world, the elephant represents wisdom, strength, cooperation, and loyalty.  What a beautiful picture of what our hearts and emotions can also represent.

So, I will often use a stuffed baby elephant in my seminars and counseling sessions to represent our hearts and emotions.  Particularly when our needs are not met, our emotions and troubles can feel overwhelming and big, and we may want to pretend they are not there.  In reality, when we attend to them, we find strength, wisdom, new options, and resiliency.

You see, emotions have a great deal of information within them.  This is not logic-based information; that comes from the mind.  Emotional information is highly valuable and God gave us this information source for a reason.  In fact, He says in Psalm 23:4 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”.  Notice it is your heart, not your mind that directs your life.

But there is an interaction with the mind that is needed.  We cannot simply allow ourselves to be driven by emotions alone.  They must be engaged and understood, soothed and respected.

The information of the heart and emotions runs deeper and more powerfully than logic.  So, when emotions come, take time to slow down and investigate what they may be trying to tell you.  Before trying to resolve disputes with your spouse, it is important to take time to explore what you are feeling and what that may be about.  Listen to your elephants!

Some questions you can ask yourself in this exploration are: What am I feeling? Where is it coming from? Am I contributing to the feeling? Am I turning up the volume in some way? What is the truth? What am I afraid of? Is this familiar (have I felt this way before)? What can I control? What do I want/desire/long for? What do I need (from me/God) to move toward my own wellbeing (even when my needs are not being met)?

When should a couple come for marriage counseling? 

There are lots of times when a couple could seek counsel.  For some, it is at the beginning when they realize that marriage is a lot harder than they realized (for it usually is) and they want to gain tools to communicate better.

Others may want to consider counseling when big life transitions happen for them.  Having children, when children leave home, or when it is time to retire are often good times to seek counsel on how to navigate and prioritize your marriage in these new seasons.

Some people seek help when things start to get really hard and they are finding what they are trying is not working.

Unfortunately, many people wait until they are just about ready to give up before coming.  I would suggest, don’t wait that long.  There are real practical tools that you can gain and implement before ever having to get that far.  However, if that is what it takes for you, then know that God sees you and understands that too.

Basically, I and other marriage therapists are here for you whenever you are ready.

How do you balance faith, family, food, and finance with your busy schedule?

Now that is a good question.  In a world where things are going faster and we are pressed to do more, be more, and have more, it is hard to find balance.  My husband and I tend to be quite counter-cultural with this, actually.  We like a life of simplicity, without too much going on.  I am not going all the time or involved in lots of things.  When we have plans on the weekend, we make sure to also have downtimes.

In addition, (and this may sound crazy to most people) I really enjoy the silence in my home, uncluttered even with the noise of music or tv.  My husband will watch tv in the evenings but other than that, we enjoy the quiet.

Though I enjoy food and we like to eat dinner out once a week, I work three nights per week so I don’t have a lot of time to cook.  And, to be completely honest, cooking for just the two of us is not really something I like to do.  So, I will tend to cook large portions that we will eat throughout the week.  It is easier to cook a lot once than to cook multiple times during the week.  It works for us.

With finances, simplicity is key once again.  We intentionally choose to live below our means regarding our mortgage and other financial responsibilities.  We also make it a point to pay down all credit cards each month so we do not have debt hanging over us.  This allows us to be generous with our giving without feeling like we are having to “find” the money.  Having never allowed ourselves to live at the max of our income, this doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice, though we recognize it is in this culture.  The joy of giving abundantly is exciting to both of us.

The post Secrets on How to Have a Great Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Few events in life can be as profound and challenging as a divorce. It is one of the most painful and emotional experiences. You get angry, lonely, anxious, bitter, and desperate. Your identity is at stake and it can shake the very foundation of your life.

You have to deal with a number of issues: financial, emotional, professional, parenting, health, and spiritual. This article will deal with only the financial aspect of a divorce.

Legally this is a life-changing event. It is in your best interest to separate emotional attachment from strategic decisions.

Mediation, arbitration, litigation, and the collaborative process are some of the legal choices available. You need to educate yourself and see which is the most beneficial to you.

Mediation is a safe process provided by a neutral third party to help resolve issues that arrive during the divorce. It saves you money compared to going to court. You participate in the resolution.

Arbitration is a procedure in which a dispute is resolved by the agreement of parties to a binding decision by one or more arbitrators.

Collaborative Divorce is a family law process. It helps couples work with their lawyers in order to avoid uncertain outcomes in court. It best meets the specific needs of both parties and their children without the underlying threat of contested litigation.

Litigation is a process where your lawyer represents you in court. A judge makes the final decision. This can become a long, expensive, and cumbersome process. You should choose a lawyer that specializes in family law, and make sure you have a written fee agreement.

Have realistic expectations. A divorce will affect your lifestyle. Prepare a budget for yourself. Write down all your income minus your expenses. Differentiate between wants and needs. Try to stay away from debt.

Check your credit report. If all your credit cards were in both names, cancel the cards and order new ones in your sole name. Inform the credit agencies about your divorce.

Inform your bank and close the joint accounts. Open an individual account.

A house will be a major asset that belongs to both of you. Calculate the total carrying and operating costs to see if you can afford it on one salary. If not then you need to consider selling the house.

Check for beneficiaries on TFSA, RRSP, RRIF, LIF, and Life Insurance policies. Life insurance policies have an option of revocable or irrevocable beneficiaries. Remember to have your will updated.

Have the pension appraised. Some plans are easier to value and contribute. Others have a vesting schedule, defined benefits, and defined contributions.

Would you rather have a forty thousand-dollar BMW or a forty thousand-dollar GIC when dividing assets?   If you look at it from a depreciation point of view then the GIC is a better asset.

In the eyes of the Canada Revenue Agency, not all assets are equal. So, consider all the tax issues. A spousal RRSP cashed within the first three years will become income for the contributor rather than the recipient.

Make sure you have adequate health coverage. A visit to the dentist without coverage is expensive.

A divorce can put your best-laid plans to ruin. Focus on the future and make some good financial decisions.

Photo Credits: Eric Ward Bill Oxford Melinda Gimpel

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