Becky Aste has made me look at marriage from the perspective of trauma.

This month I will complete 22 years of marriage. I am fascinated by marriage.

I have looked at communication in marriage, and have interviewed authors, psychotherapists, pastors, and people in general about marriage.

Four Columns believes in having a holistic approach to marriage.

Becky Aste is a trauma-informed marriage coach, CEO of I Do Breakthrough, and the host of Your Breakthrough Blueprint Podcast. Her podcast is ranked in the top 10% of podcasts globally.

A friend of mine was being interviewed on her podcast and she posted it on Facebook. I listened to it and was mesmerized. I listened to a couple of her podcasts and I was like Becky is on to something. I reached out to her and she answered right away. She sent me the answers to the interview in less than a week.

This interview has made me look at my own traumas and how it has changed me. Go on Becky Aste’s podcast and listen to it. It will change you.

I have never heard of a trauma-informed marriage coach. Walk me through what it means.

I’m a marriage coach who has been through unique training to know how to understand and recognize the role of trauma in my clients’ healing journey – particularly how our bodies keep the score of the trauma we’ve survived and how to go into the body to move trauma OUT.

Talk to me about what trauma is and how it impacts us in our daily lives.

Trauma is anything that overwhelms our nervous systems’ ability to cope. Life-threatening events like an accident, house fires, assaults, wars, etc. are commonly referred to as “Big T traumas”. Think “Too big, too fast, too soon”. Experiences that threaten our core sense of love, belonging, and safety like infidelity, emotional neglect, and psychological or emotional abuse are often referred to as “Little t traumas”. Think “Death by a thousand paper cuts” or “The challenges suffered in silence”.

We all have physical, emotional, mental and psychological wounds. Help me understand why we need to be intentional in dealing with these wounds to lead an authentic, abundant, and empowered life.

Yes, unfortunately, none of us make it out of this life unscathed whether that be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or psychological wounds. Our body remembers and stores these wounds in the subconscious blueprint of our nervous system to protect us from any similar, harmful situations in the future. This is where we see our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses- our body signaling there is potential danger. This is the fantastic wisdom of our body – there to protect us. The problem arises when we get caught in these responses and can’t move back into a regulated state of homeostasis even after the danger has passed. Our system either gets stuck “On” (As seen in hyper-achieving, anxiety, and restlessness) or shut “off”. (Depression, adrenal fatigue, isolation). When we get stuck in this survival response, it can lead to blocks in our core relationships, interfere with our work & diminish our ability to live a life of joy, meaning, connection, and pleasure.

You talk a lot about somatic mindfulness on social media. I am aware of mindfulness but where does somatic play a role?

The word “Somatic” simply means pertaining to the body, especially in contrast to the mind. Mindfulness means living in the present moment. Essentially, it means being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment. Somatic mindfulness creates a mind-body integration where it has been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show. This kind of therapeutic work softens and reduces the hyper-vigilant threat response and hyper-arousal in the nervous system.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You are guilty of sin. You are guilty of this and that. Our religious, and educational landscape thrives on making us guilty. I want a way out. Help me.

Exactly. On a global scale, the human race is unconsciously breathing in the silent but deadly toxic fumes of shame and breathing it out on everyone around us. I truly believe the single source of all human suffering is a severed sense of love and belonging – exactly where shame makes its entrance as we are all doing our best to cope with our collective human suffering and then turning to self-blame for those coping cocktails of choice. The answer is radical self-compassion and self-acceptance. Learning to dissolve shame at the smallest.

I have traveled all over the world, and am open and curious. Do I have an advantage over someone who is close-minded and legalistic?

Curiosity is everything. It gives space to breathe again which gives space to live. Which is what healing is all about – learning to live again after surviving for so long. The foundational piece of the client journey I take any woman on is releasing the constricting energy of “muscling through it” and inviting her into the paradigm of a “Curious Explorer”. Instead of drawing black-and-white conclusions and making meaning of everything… she’s invited to look at life, self, and triggers through the lens of “Hmm, how interesting.” Those we may deem as “Closed-minded” and “Legalistic” I think can also be viewed as caught in their own survival patterns, caught in their own fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of dishonoring God. Fear of losing love and belonging if they don’t follow the rules …

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Out of the remaining fifty percent, only two percent are emotionally connected. These stats are alarming. What is going on?

The mainstream modalities for healing a marriage are: “Go see a therapist. Go to couples counseling. Read this book. Listen to this podcast. Check out this Instagram page. Read this article…” and the list goes on. None of these are bad, but when you understand how our nervous system works it’s a real eye-opener into why all of these fall short, leaving couples emotionally disconnected at best- or worst-case scenario, divorced when they both actually wanted the marriage to work but didn’t know how to repair. If there’s nothing else people remember from this entire article I want them to remember this: We all have a giant nerve running from the base of our skull to the bottom of our spine known as the “Vagus Nerve”. Think of it like the super highway of information sending chemical messages from our brain to our body, body to our brain. Get this … only 20% of these messages travel from our brain to our body. But 80% travel from our BODY to our brain. All that to say, all the most popular avenues we’ve taken for decades to save our marriages have only been tapping into that 20%. So, it’s no wonder we all feel like salmon swimming upstream and the divorce rate just keeps skyrocketing. When we learn to work WITH the 80%, get INTO the body to move trauma OUT – this is where we see miracles happen. I get to witness it every single day in my community, women not only recovering but redesigning the marriage of their dreams after the brink of divorce, after betrayal, after abuse, abandonment, separation, etc.

Betrayal…….in friendships, relationships, business, and marriages can have a devastating impact on us. You talk about healing our nervous system. Help me understand this process.

Betrayal’s impacts on the nervous system can be absolutely devastating. Symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares and impaired sleeping, depression, anxiety, brain fog, dropping things, distrust, dissociation, are common. Betrayed partners often feel as if their reality has been shaken to its core. Repairing the nervous system is absolutely key here – for that person to learn how to move back into regulation, safety, and self-trust. Releasing stuck energy and learning to “ground” can serve as the most helpful initial baby steps in this process of repair. Releasing stuck energy can look like shaking (I know sounds crazy, but it’s actually very natural – we’re just conditioned not to do it. Animals, after facing something life-threatening or scary will literally shake as a way to release cortisol, adrenaline, and trauma from the body.) Another release is what I like to call “Sacred Rage”. When you’ve been betrayed you might feel like you want to scream at the top of your lungs, hurt the one who betrayed you, punch that person in the face, etc. – these can be terrifying feelings to feel but there is a healthy way to release all of this instead of locking it inside. Some clients have created a safe, private space to take a baseball bat or gold club and just whacked the crap out of some intimate objects, punch a pillow or lock themselves in their car while they blast some music and scream at the top of their lungs. Grounding techniques- you can google that and find a million but it’s everything from walking barefoot on the earth to cold plunges to breathing techniques to tapping into your 5 senses. These grounding tools help move you from that activated fight/flight/freeze response back into safety and rest.

I want to know what it means to approach every area of our lives through abundance.

The first thing that comes to mind is going to sound cliche but it’s learning to practice authentic gratitude for whatever little you do have right here, right now. To live in abundance requires healing and rewiring from this scarcity of programming. Whether that is with money, marriage, time, health, etc. – but I’ll just use money as an example here. I tell my son all the time “Ollie, you want to know the trick to having more money? Be super grateful for the money that you have and more will come.” I never used to think like this. Money felt scarce my whole life. I knew how to make money but didn’t know how to keep it. I avoided the numbers in my bank account. I complained we didn’t have enough. I laughed and identified as broke. Then I went through a major money-healing journey where I rewired my nervous system from hustling out of hunger to receiving more and more with gratitude, learning how to steward it with integrity, and repairing intimacy in my own energetic relationship with money just like one would do in a marriage. It was one of the most downloaded podcast episodes I’ve done if you want to hear the full story here.

Identity and body posture. Come on Becky. Seriously. You have got me all self-conscious.

Ha! Body posture can tell us SO much about how we really view ourselves and how the world around us perceives us. Of course, with exceptions for those with debilitating health conditions that come from a purely physical root or circumstance. But in general, how we carry ourselves, how we sit, how we stand, how we walk – all of this comes from years of experiences molding the way our body holds us. For example, if we’re shrunken and concave in our body posture – we learned this from somewhere as a safer way to exist in the world. To not show too much of ourselves or our bodies because that could lead to pain. So, our body will wisely and instinctually curl inward to protect us from more pain. The signals this can send out to others, though – maybe that we are self-centered, unapproachable, lack confidence, etc. It can create barriers to reaching where we ultimately would love to be in our relationships, careers, parenting, social connections, etc.

Becky talk to me about one or two most challenging things you have been through in your life and how you overcame it.

The first was losing my Dad suddenly to a heart attack when he was only 57 years old – the day before my 18th birthday and my first week at college away from home. How I survived was two parts: One was diving head first into the church I was invited out to and finding comfort, meaning, and purpose in my faith through my world turning upside down. The second was through hyper-achieving. The last thing I remember my mom saying to me after telling me Daddy had died was, “But Becky you can’t quit school. You have to keep going. You have to make your Daddy proud”. So, cue the next 15 years of seeking perfection / high achievement in school, in harsh fitness regimens, in my career, etc. It helped me survive for a while but it eventually led to a nervous system collapse / psychological break because I was constantly running – I didn’t know how to feel safe unless I was doing, accomplishing, producing. Somatic work saved my life and finally, after 15 years of losing my Dad, taught me how to be still and to feel safe in that stillness. To actually embody satisfaction and self-worth outside of what I was producing / not producing. The second most challenging thing I’ve experienced in my life was infidelity. Having already taken an early blow with the abandonment of my father – this previous relationship I was in was with someone I trusted, who I loved, and who I thought loved me. This person struggled with a pornography addiction and it slowly but surely escalated to physical betrayal. When that line was crossed, I was gutted, distraught, fragmented, all the things. At first, I tried to survive this like I did everything else, through hyper-achieving. I tried therapy, books, podcasts, etc. – nothing ever fully healed this wound until I stumbled upon somatic work. It was the missing puzzle piece that took decades of latent information and brought it to life in my body, in my nervous system, and in my life.

The post Becky Aste: Trauma-Informed Marriage Coach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Stuck means you are in a situation that is unfortunate that you cannot get out of. Unstuck is the process and framework of getting out of that unfortunate situation.

The synonyms for stuck include: frozen, jammed, lodged, set, tight, wedged, and snug. There are certain words attached to stuck: bonded, cemented, glued, embedded, entrenched, immovable, and unyielding. You see where I am going.

It is a new year. We do not have to be stuck to old ideas, concepts, ways of doing things, and mindsets. These are literally harming you.

Getting unstuck is the answer. Become intentional and find ways and solutions to barriers that are holding you back.

I talk to Cheryl Patterson who holds a B.A. in Psychology from the University of Waterloo, in addition to an applied background in both counseling and business.

Her passion to help others led her from the daunting anticipation of doing it from a desk to being able to have more freedom and more of an impact as a freelance writer and magazine columnist for more than twenty years. She has inspired thousands of people with her health and well-being articles and columns in national and international magazines and continues to do so in her own publication.

Cheryl also continues to inspire people internationally with her podcast and book.

Cheryl shares her most vulnerable feelings and experiences in this interview.

Cheryl, welcome to FourColumns. I find writing cathartic. What drew you to writing?

Writing has always been a passion for me, originally as a way to express myself as a child, and later to also teach what I learn. I used to carry a book around with me in my 20’s to jot down ideas as I thought of them. I think one of my first ideas that randomly came to mind was about the stepping stones of life, and how our experiences were a step leading us to the next one.

I’ve also always wanted to help people. At first, I thought I wanted to do it through counseling, and got my B.A. in Psychology and counseling diploma. However, I realized that I could have just as much (if not more) impact through writing.

We all get stuck in life. Marriage with no romance or life, dead-end job, cynical family, toxic friends, and emotionally burned. How does your podcast deal with and talk about these issues?

The podcast, Unstuck: Stay Busy or Get Real, deals with all of these issues because they all come from core areas that we can pay attention to and begin to modify in simple ways in order to progress forward.

For instance, our self-worth can impact all of these areas we can get stuck in. If you’re struggling with low self-worth, how do you attract people in your life that will treat you like you deserve to be treated, or strive for the job you really want?

Once you realize some of the areas keeping you stuck, you can begin to make changes to improve them. The podcast provides insight into areas that can impact your personal or professional success and provides suggestions for actions that can help you get unstuck and move forward. This can be general life challenges, or ones that seem to come out of know where, or even periodically, like the holidays – a difficult time for a lot of people.

Do not get me started about the holidays. We create the perfect cards, the perfect ads on TV, the perfect romance, the perfect snowfall. Talk about this pressure and how to deal with it?

Like most stressful experiences, once you realize it’s taking its toll, then you can begin tweaking things to create improvements for the better.

Sometimes we do these holiday things in the guise of happiness, but if it’s not making you happy, take some time to think about why. Make a list of what’s making you happy, and what’s not. Share some of the responsibilities that someone else might not mind doing so that you can do more of what you enjoy. Pay attention to your wants and needs and make sure there’s a balance between this and what you do for others, and focus more on meaning and fulfillment rather than perfection.

For those who are alone or struggling because of loss around this time of year, creating change is your friend. Doing the same things will get you the same results, and feelings… Plan ahead for a different experience. Create new routines and traditions in support of feeling better. For instance, instead of mourning someone, honor them instead. Bake or cook something they used to (or used to like) as a special gesture to them. The ideas are endless. Just make it special and positive to create a new experience moving forward. I’ve been here and this is what helped me.

As I get older, my friends, career, family, and direction are all aligned with my goals and value. I also had to dig deep and see where I get my identity from. I was stuck in certain areas of how I thought. If we do not deal with it we get worried, stressed, ashamed, and feel unwanted. You deal with these issues in the book. Walk me through it?

Put simply, to be happy in life, in any area, we have to be real with ourselves, regarding what needs are being met from all of these areas you mentioned (relationships, career, goals, etc.), and which ones aren’t, and this comes from within.

It can be easy to blame the outside world regarding why things aren’t working, but this just keeps us stuck. It’s important to pay attention to things like how you’re feeling, what’s nagging at you, possible triggers, and possible things about yourself that may be holding you back.

Any struggle you experience is tied to your emotions (your subconscious), which inhibits your progress. We want to stay safe, even without realizing it, and even if it means we’re in pain or struggle because it’s what’s familiar and easy. To get unstuck, and get to where you want to go or to be the person you desire to be, means you have to be honest with yourself.

Do you have hidden shame, feel poorly about yourself (in spite of the brave front you present to the world), engage in the same scenarios over and over? This is all potential learning, letting you know that you have an opportunity for growth that can get you closer to your ideal self and experiences.

The more we learn about ourselves, our struggles and patterns, and why they’re there, the more we can live more in alignment with a happier and more fulfilling life. It opens us up to healthier relationships, achieves our goals, and makes living a more fulfilled life attainable.

The alternative is to keep things the same – to stay in emotional turmoil (i.e. shame, guilt, fear, worry, doubt, feeling poorly about yourself, etc.) – which will result in the same chaotic outcomes, and lead to poor health. You can’t be stressed and healthy simultaneously because your immune system is suppressed and your body is fighting a toxic chemical cocktail in this state.

My book, The Little Black Book For Getting Unstuck, provides some quick, simple, and straightforward ways that you can get unstuck, and live more in alignment with your ideal self and life. And I don’t just tell, I put myself out there too, and get vulnerable, and share some of my own obstacles that I’ve had to overcome in my life since childhood. Not pretty, but necessary.

Many of my readers are stuck. Give them hope for 2022?

I came from an unstable family, with parents that had no idea about how to deal with conflict, other than alcohol, violence, chaos, and breakups. Most of my childhood was spent in and out of foster care. Fortunately, I was one of the fortunate ones because of some of the people I met that helped me feel loved and worthy enough to require more from myself than to become the negative things I saw.

Thankfully, I’ve also always had a mind of my own, and although my past created many obstacles for me to overcome, such as low self-worth (something that took me a lifetime to realize was even an issue), shame, fear, doubt, I pushed through. If I ran into situations I wanted to overcome, I learned about how to improve them, and I still do. I’ve been passionate about putting every lesson, tool, story, or experience into practice to become the person I want to be, living the life I want to live. It hasn’t always been easy for me, but perseverance and learning have been everything. Learning really has been powerful for me because it enables growth and success.

If I could give you one tip for 2022, it would be to carve out 10-15 minutes a day to learn something that will improve your situation. The most impactful learning will be about yourself, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as learning about a few practices you can add to your day to help you stay accountable for whatever goal you’re striving for, or to help you maintain self-confidence in an area you’re struggling with or ways to feel better. Think about an area that you’re struggling with and start from there. And never give up.

I have a morning ritual that starts with things that keep me feeling peaceful and happy (an open vs. closed state for achieving daily tasks/goals), even on those days, it feels challenging. Meditation, journaling (including gratitude), and learning are three staples that are as important as brushing my teeth. Think about a little ritual you can create for yourself to set the pace for your day, inspire and keep you feeling balanced, and act as a buffer and a preventative for those days you feel off.

The post Getting Unstuck: How To Become Happier appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is self-care? Self-care is the intentional and concerned process of taking care of and improving your mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health with a balanced lifestyle. During this pandemic, it can be stressful and self-care is important. I strongly recommend that you eat well, sleep 8 hrs a day, maintain your social network, exercise, take care of your spiritual needs, have financial security and focus on the end of the tunnel.

Self-care is taking care of yourself and it is very important.

I have gone to the gym and eaten healthily for most of my life. I have taken care of my finances. These are examples of self-care. One area I was neglecting was my emotional self-care. I volunteered as a financial counselor, helped many friends go through a divorce and their own emotional challenges. I neglected boundaries and realized my gifts are not in the area of counseling and giving emotional support. I was burned out and it was impacting my marriage and parenting.

We can embrace busyness because that is the status symbol. We try to be busy so that we can feel important. I have learned to say NO to a lot of volunteer and other positions offered to me. I had to have a holistic approach to life.

The moment we align our goals, values, and ethos with our job, friends, charitable giving, and the various organizations that we are part of, cognitive dissonance disappears. We are happy. We live a purpose-driven life. Everything makes sense.

Over the next couple of weeks, this is what I want you to do. The job you have. Do you love it? Are you passionate about it? Does it work with your core competence and skillsets? The friends you have. Are they toxic? Do you hang out with them because of your own insecurity? Are they taking you to where you want to go in life? What about where you live, where you worship, and other organizations that you are part of?

I am asking you to take an inventory of where you are at. We get so caught up in financial net worth that we forget about our emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual worth? What is your identity?

It is 2022. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Josie D is the creator behind The Cheetah Buzz, a unique lifestyle blog on fashion, beauty, and travel. I catch up with her and talk about personal style, beauty trends, and self-care.

Josie, I am excited to talk to you about fashion, travel, and beauty. I want to know something about you?

Thank you so much for interviewing little ole’ me. I feel so humbled and blessed for this opportunity! One thing about me is that I was born in Accra, Ghana and I came to the United States when I was 6 ½ years old. I believe it will be about 22 years since I’ve been living in the States. I’m also a big fan of yellow cake and anything sweet!

I like The Cheetah Buzz. How did the name come about?

Thank you so much! During my freshman year of college, while I was chilling in my friend’s dorm room, her roommate busted in and told me I looked like a cheetah when I smiled lol. I thought it was really funny and it just stuck in my head. In 2017, when I started a portfolio of my pictures on Instagram, I named it The Cheetah Buzz and that snowballed over to the name of my blog!

I want to know how does one find our own personal style and not get caught following the crowd?

One thing I always stress is figuring out what colors you like to see yourself in, from there, you can build and figure out what textures and fabrics to gravitate towards. My recent blog post about finding your personal style touches more about this topic. To stand out from the crowd, it’s also important to not follow trends as they come and go, but instead be comfortable in doing your own thing. Let people copy off of your style not you copy of off theirs. Be a trendsetter!

Give women some tips on how they can dress better?

One way to learn how to dress better is to download fashion apps like the Combyne app and the Closet Love app. These apps will help you create and style different outfits so you can see which shirts, jeans, shoes, and accessories pair well together.  Once you do that, then you can implement some of those ideas into your own closet and see what pairs well together there. Another tip is to pick one accessory such as a pair of shoes or a silver necklace and create a look around that one item. You can turn this into a fun challenge!

My daughter is 16. What are some self-care drug store products she must own?

When I was 16, I wish I had the Clean & Clear Day & Night Face Wash 2 Pack to keep the pimples away. This product is both oil-free and hypoallergenic. Also, at this age, I was experimenting with lots of makeup, so the Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Wipes and the Lypsyl Lip Balm always came in handy. The wipes removed all of my makeup and the lip balm kept my lips super moisturized.

What are the beauty trends for 2021?

I’m not really sure what the beauty trends for 2021 will be as 2020 has been a stay at home look for a lot of people due to the lockdown. But what I’m hoping is less is more and loving the skin you’re in will be the beauty trend for women in 2021. Based on what I see on social media, fashion runways, and in music videos, it looks like lip glosses, defined eyebrows, colorful makeup, bejeweled eyes, and big lashes are staying strong; so maybe they might roll over into 2021.

Self-care, Self-love is not selfish. Please comment?

If something or outside forces are hurting your mental health and overall wellbeing, it’s definitely not selfish to put yourself first and treat yourself back to health. What good are you to others or to society if you don’t take good care of yourself or even love yourself? When you take care of yourself first, then you’ll be more productive in helping others, and that for sure is not selfish.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you and what is it not?

Women’s empowerment is uplifting and fixing another woman’s crown when you see it tilt. This can refer to a lot of things. When you see, hear or read that another woman is going through some hard times or is feeling weak, reach out and lend an ear to them and let her know that you got her back and you are there to listen.

Woman empowerment is speaking out on issues that are hurting or will cause a problem for other women in the community. Woman empowerment does not mean bringing other women down so you can make yourself feel better. It’s also not being envious of other woman’s achievements or successes just because you are not successful yourself. I like to be in the mindset of when one woman is successful at something, we (women as a whole) are all successful too.

Talk to me a little bit about Ghana. I want to know about its vibrant culture and food scene?

Ghana is a beautiful country. I recently traveled to my hometown of Accra, Ghana back in 2018. My sister and I stayed in a local city called Agbogba. The streets were filled with tons of cars, buses, taxis, and lots of vendors trying to sell people things. There were tons of palm trees nearby and the sand was like a beautiful dark, orange-brown color. The houses were big and beautifully made with their own personalities. People were always smiling and happy about life. It’s definitely a great place to retire lol.

The locals spoke a lot of different languages including Ga, Twi, Ewe, and English of course. I believe the food was the best part of Ghana. You had a wide variety of savory foods to choose from like fufu with palm nut stew, banku with okra stew and crab, jollof rice with lots of goat meat, and kenkey with shito and fried fish, among many others.

I was never a people pleaser. I sleep better. You talk a lot about how people-pleasing can be destructive. Walk me through how it can be harmful?

Lol lucky you! Yes, I have always been a people pleaser since I was little. I think it was just embedded in me to be that way as a child. I was always taught to follow orders and help people out whether I wanted to or not. If I didn’t and told someone no, the guilt I would feel almost made doing the thing for that person better than the feeling of telling them no.

As a people pleaser, it hurt my personal self-care because I always put others’ needs before my own which made me rely upon and put my trust in people. And then when people would disappoint me, the hurt cut through me more than anything — and that is the destructive part about it. Now as a recovering people pleaser, I know I cannot put my trust in others anymore and I cannot be afraid to say no especially if hinders my mental health or overall wellbeing.

I love the fact that you talk about positive affirmation. Share a little about that?

Positive affirmations are so powerful! When you recite positive affirmations, the words can shift your perspective on how you see yourself. Though your circumstances or surroundings may be poor, if you tell yourself I am rich every day, you will start to believe that and that can manifest into you finding ways to become rich or make you look at different parts of your life in a positive way and know that you are rich in other ways: you are rich in health, rich in life, and rich because you have a family that loves you and so forth. Positive affirmations can make a world of difference.

The post Self Care: Taking Care of Yourself appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Emotional wounds are not the same as physical wounds.

My body is scarred with physical wounds. I played squash for 15 years. Every muscle, ligament, and bone was torn or sprained at some point. The family doctor and the physiotherapist told me to give it up and focus on swimming and walking. I have cuts, bruises, and gashes all over my body from years of being a boxer, playing soccer, and playing pranks. All the physical wounds have healed.

Emotional wounds, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Emotional wounds can result from watching a crime, bankruptcy, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, car accident, emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical abuse, death of a loved one, or any traumatic situation.  The symptoms are a change in personality, lack of joy, lack of interest in life, loneliness, anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and anxiety.

You have to become intentional in healing these wounds by assessing them, cleaning them, stitching them, bandaging them and taking care of them, and being aware of trigger points.

I am super excited to present Lesa Henderson to my readers.

Lesa Henderson is a dynamic, candid, inspirational speaker, minister, author, and filmmaker.

Her transparency and straightforward approach coupled with prophetic insight place her in great demand for conferences and churches.

Her passion for Christ and desire to see wounded women restored and healed through the power and love of God comes across in her books, blogs, sermons, and teaching. It has also led her to minister healing for soul wounds & emotional trauma of women in prison, as well as to lead Women Warriors of God Conferences around the nation; where she and the Warrior’s team are seeing countless women set free both physically and emotionally.

Lesa and her husband, Ken are revivalists who pastor Salt Life Church on Merritt Island, FL, where they also lead Cornerstone Global Ministries & Media and are the founders of Cornerstone School of Supernatural Ministry.

Lesa, a pleasure to have you. There is so much I want to ask you. Let’s start by talking about Christmas. I am a big fan of focusing on His Presence rather than presents. How is Christmas relevant to us in the 21st Century? 

I’m a big fan of focusing on that as well.  We live in such a commercialized, material world that it’s easy to lose that focus and get caught up in the shopping, spending madness.  This year we are celebrating Hannukah as well as Christmas, each night we light a candle we focus on inviting Christ – the light of the world to be a light in our home and lives.   Whatever you celebrate, it’s relevant when you make the focus be on Christ.  Especially now in this economy and the times we are living in.  It’s actually more relevant than ever I believe as we approach His soon return.

The world is hurting. COVID 19 has exacerbated the situation. You talk about giving your hurts, pains, and brokenness to God. Walk me through this process? Should I just read my Bible, trust God and pray about it? 

Yes.  It is that simple.  And yet as simple as this is – we struggle doing it.  Or at least I do.  It’s much easier for me to worry, fret and lose sleep over the hurts and pains.   But God really does want us to bring them to Him.  And reading the Word is one of the key steps in the process for me.  It reminds me of the truth – His Word is truth.  It helps me to overcome the fear and lies I am believing.  It reminds me of His faithfulness.  In my prayer time, I’m very honest with God – He knows anyway, so for example I may say, “Father I’m feeling right now like you don’t hear me or care about ________,  but I know that’s not true.  Your word says ______, Help me to stand on that and trust you.  Help my unbelief and rest in your promise and faithfulness.”  I may have to do this repetitively until I find peace or the problem is solved.

As I get older, I am learning to embrace pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is hard but important. As I read your blog and book, listen to your sermons and teaching, your DNA is all about helping wounded women through the love of God. Where do the wounds come from and how does His love restore women?

Wounds come from many areas, childhood traumas, broken relationships, marriage, even church.  But what I’ve found through ministering to thousands of women is that almost all wounds begin in our childhood.  The enemy starts early with his attack on us and he knows if he can plant lies in our mind about who we are (our identity) or about what we believe about our heavenly father we will carry those lies with us into relationships and they will hinder our walk with God.  But the Love of God is so powerful.  When we have a full revelation of the Father’s love for us, of how much He really is a good, good father it changes us.  It heals us.  I do a teaching on how daddy wounds from our childhood affect our relationship with God and the ability to believe how deeply He loves us and accept that love.

Give my female audience practical tips on motherhood and being a wife?

First, know or learn your worth as a daughter of the king. This will translate to how you treat your children and husband and how you expect to be treated.  Keep your relationship with God first, your husband next, and then your children.  Give yourself grace. You’re not perfect and you’re not going to be. When you make mistakes with your children ( and you will) admit it to them and ask their forgiveness.  This will not make you look small in their eyes – the contrary is true.  Honor your husband.  Honor and respect are very important to men.  Don’t take yourself so seriously.  Time spent with your husband and kids is far more important than the things you buy them or how clean your house is. I could go on and on…not from a seat of expertise but from one of failures and wisdom gained.

My daughter will be turning 18 very soon. She comes to you for dating advice. Help me understand what you will tell her and why? And please include dating advice for women in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

I would tell your daughter something I said earlier, “Know or discover your worth as a daughter of the King.  Don’t date anyone who doesn’t also see that and treat you accordingly.”  Don’t go looking for a date but let God bring Him to you.   And here’s something I recommend to all women dating – get inner healing (healing for soul wounds or childhood trauma).  This will help you make better decisions on who to date and will help prevent you from dating or marrying the same mistake in different skin over and over again.  Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

You were the producer, executive producer, and director of Hope Has A Name. What is it about? Why should we watch it? And please give my audience hope for 2022?

Hope Has A Name is an award-winning documentary about women around the world bringing extraordinary hope in unlikely places.  They are hidden heroes, not doing what they do not for a platform or platitudes but simply to bring hope to the hopeless through the love of God.  There are some pretty amazing women including Heidi Baker featured in the film.  And we are honored to have the endorsement of Lisa Bevere. Watch it and it will encourage you to stop making excuses and do something! It’s available on Amazon Prime and Tubi and many other outlets.

The Hope for 2022 is Jesus.  His name is the hope of the nations.  Jesus Is King.  He is still on the throne and heaven has not been taken over by Hell.  Our trust and confidence must remain in Him.  No matter what is yet to come, He will take us through. He is a sure foundation.

Help me understand the premise of your book Someone To Trust. Is there really such a thing as romance? Or it was created in the liberal halls of Hollywood with unrealistic expectations?

Someone To Trust is a Christian Contemporary romance based around finding love and forgiveness after betrayal.  The Heroine, Megan has been betrayed twice in her life, by the men she loved.  She has been presented the opportunity to love again, but she first has to get past her mistrust of men, find forgiveness for them and herself.  And,  most importantly accept the love and grace of her Heavenly father offers.  Someone To Trust is now available both in print and Kindle Unlimited.

I want to ask you about how do you balance being an author, filmmaker, wife, mother, speaking at conferences, and taking care of the women in your congregation?

Hah!  Good question,  when I figure that out, I’ll get back to you.  Just kidding, sort of.  It’s often a juggling event and I often end up dropping the ball.  I have to really pray and seek guidance as to what my focus needs to be on the most in the season.  It is also about stopping for the one.  The one in front of you, I try to practice that.  This enables me to help the women in my congregation who are needing my attention.   Two things that help me balance is keeping my relationship and personal time with God a priority!  If that is comprised, everything else is and I’m a mess.  The second is keeping my family a priority above all the other endeavors.  His grace is truly sufficient and I find His strength really is made perfect in my weakness.

The post Healing Emotional Wounds appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Gardening has taught me so many lessons in life.

I want to give you some quotes from famous people regarding gardening:

I think the true gardener, the older he grows, should more and more develop a humble, grateful and uncertain spirit. – Reginald Farrer

A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all, it teaches entire trust. – Gertrude Jekyll

A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. – Greek proverb

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. – May Sarton

Introduction

We are one week into fall. As a result, the weather is changing. It is getting darker earlier. The leaves are changing color. In conclusion, it is time to start pruning the garden.

I have been a city boy for most of my life. Therefore, buying a home with a garden was an experience in itself.

We moved in the summer when the flowers and everything in the garden was blooming. However, little did I realize the work involved in maintaining it.

The first year I noticed the grass on my lawn going brown. A neighbor told me he sensed it would be white grubs.  Grubs are larvae of beetles and attack the roots of turfgrass.

Since the home was barely new, the builder had put the sod on the original mud rather than a thick layer of topsoil. As I drove around the hood, the best grass was that which was growing on a thick layer of topsoil.

I took the easy route. I went to a construction site. They were offering free topsoil. It was a weed-infested. Guess what no grass showed up but weeds.

Last year I ordered a whole truck of topsoil. I ordered the best grass seeds. For three weeks in September, I mixed the seed and the topsoil. The lawn looks the best in years.

Lessons learned

We need to build our lives on a solid base. Character is important. Discipline will take us through the hard times.

To have a great garden you must have patience, a nurturing spirit, and a willingness to sweat. Nature provides the sun we provide the water, fertilizer, and hard work. To have a career or to excel in anything, you have to work hard.

To see a small seed become a sprout, a plant, and then a tree that gives fruits and flowers is so encouraging. In the same way to see your project, your kids, or a friendship blossom into something is going to be encouraging.

The garden will go through a cycle. Life has its trials and tribulations. There will be things beyond our control. Mother Nature is a formidable foe when she wishes to be. Drought, wind, insects are some of the challenges. Better to approach an uncertain world with an open mind. Stay flexible.

In the backyard, we had a big sumac tree. What was the couple thinking planting in the backyard? I found out the hard way. About 20 feet away from the tree, shoots started coming. It was destroying my grass. Sumac is an aggressive plant and can take over a garden. It took me a whole month to cut the tree and its roots. Keep aggressive, toxic, and nosy people at a distance.

I love perennials. They show up every year. Make sure you have friends like that. As Debbie battled cancer it was the loyal friends who showed up.

Annuals are planted every year. They look beautiful for a reason and for a specific season. Sometimes, we have people like that in our lives only for a short time, for a season, and for a reason.

The garden hose has many choices; focused, mist, spray. We need to encourage a million times, love a billion times, and rebuke but rarely.

Pruning is very important for the plants and at the right time. When we focus on the simple and the practical, life turns around. We embrace change and allow our lives and hearts to grow. Change is a constant factor in our lives.

Flowers and plants that grow in the desert and in a milder climate cannot be grown here. Different soils, ph. levels, weather patterns all have an impact. All our five fingers are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on those and have fun. Comparing yourself to someone else will lead to disaster. Accept the fact the world is unfair and monetize skills differently.

I do not grow fruits or vegetables. My mother-in-law grows them. Potatoes and carrots teach what you do not see matters. Pass on the glitz, glamour, volatility, and the unpredictable in your life.

The result of the garden is the choices you make. People can be flowers in your garden or weeds. Pluck the weeds to let everything grow.

You need a bunch of garden tools. Axes, carts, cords, fork, footwear, hoes, rake, spades, shovel, trellis are some of the tools to be efficient. Education along with practical sense, humility, gentleness, kindness, patience, unconditional love, and emotional intelligence goes a long way in being successful in real life and in the workplace.

We can never be experts in every field. Ask for advice read books. Learn from other people’s mistakes. Go ahead and blossom where you are planted.

These are some of the life lessons I have learned from gardening.

The post Life Lessons From Gardening appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Do you feel you have to be perfect? Perfect on the job,  perfect with friends, perfect with family, and perfect in general.  Are you on the treadmill of life, trying to be perfect? If you are in performance mode, then you need to stop trying to be perfect. You need to get off the treadmill. Take some time off. Smell the roses. Go for a vacation. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Meditate, pray, or change your routine. You are hurting yourself by chasing perfection, having unrealistic expectations, and being in performance mode.

You need to love yourself more. You need to accept yourself. You also need to forgive and practice gratitude. Let go of trying to be perfect.

Forget social media, forget comparing yourself to someone else, and forget living in someone else’s shadow. Be real, vulnerable, and lead an authentic life. A life that is aligned with your goals and values. Perfection, unrealistic expectations, not dealing with issues, and not taking responsibility are all toxins destroying your life.

I respect Selena. She has figured out a lot of stuff at an early age. She blogs about women’s empowerment but also lives it daily. We talk about women’s empowerment, careers, and of course, dating.

Hi Selena, welcome, and tell me something about you?

Hi, thanks for having me! I am a 24-year-old marketing manager at a small marketing firm currently, but my goal is to make empowering women my full-time career, whether that is through life coaching or through my motivational blog that I started a little over a year ago. Writing is my passion, along with helping women realize their full potential and I seek to do that not only in my professional endeavors but in my personal relationships as well.

Talk to me about your job in marketing? What do you like about marketing?

My company markets mainly for technology staffing firms. In my role, I write industry-related blogs, both for clients and for us, I curate and design their social media content, and also write and design their websites. I love the creative aspect of marketing, and it is a field in which things are always changing, so it never gets boring! There is always so much to learn. Marketing also has allowed me to expand my writing abilities as I have had to learn to adapt to writing for various brands and therefore various tones, industries, and topics.

Help me understand how dating has changed for you in the 21st century? I like the fact that you talk about taking responsibility for it?

I think the inception of social media played a significant role in shifting how people date today. We are constantly flooded with options on various dating apps, and consume massive amounts of content on social media sites daily. Instant gratification has become the expectation, and men especially use these dating apps to their advantage as they rack up their roster so they always have someone on standby.

However, on the other hand, we as women tend to enable this behavior because it seems that this is how the majority of men behave (even if this isn’t necessarily the case), so we’ve gotten used to getting ghosted, getting played, etc. We, as women, need to take control of the narrative and not stand for behavior that doesn’t align with our values and how we want to be treated. This also isn’t to say that all men are bad and all women are good, but in my experience, women tend to be more vocal about their distaste for dating these days.

I get so caught up in planning that I forget to be in the present. As I focus on being in the present moment my life has changed…pls. comment?

I think many of us are always looking ahead to what’s coming next that it is very rare we stop and look around at what we have in the present moment. I think this takes practice to slow yourself down and be appreciative of how far you’ve come up to this point and realize that if you don’t enjoy the present, you’ll miss your whole life. I’m still working on this myself, but it is not surprising to me that your life has changed after being able to do this. As humans, I think we are always striving for more – with parental, societal, professional, and peer pressures, we feel as though we always have to be on the go, working our butts off to get to the next milestone in our lives. But, as I said, we’ll miss out if we’re always focusing on what’s coming next.

I have been mentoring people since grade 8 when I became a prefect. Over the years I have been a big brother and mentored many men in the corporate world. I talk to them about getting to know themselves and where their identity comes from and being authentic. Walk me through your own process?

That’s amazing! It takes a special kind of person to want to help others, so I applaud you for choosing to mentor. I personally have never technically mentored anyone, but I really want to get into that space. I am the friend that many of my friends come to for advice or just to vent, and there is nothing more rewarding for me than to help them through their struggles, and remind them how loved they are. I try to do the same in my blog and offer advice on various topics from how to stop being a people pleaser to how to get over the guy you never technically dated. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles and that there are resources that are available to help them heal from past traumas, and figure out who they are and who they want to become. I try to offer a safe space to do that for anyone who needs an ear to listen.

Help me understand what women empowerment means to you?

Women empowerment means helping women realize and unlock their full potential. It means saying, screw what society wants us to be, what do we want to be? It means spreading positivity, lifting each other up, and fighting for our rights. It means cultivating meaningful communities and helping each other live our most authentic, unapologetic lives.

On a personal note, one of the areas I have grown the most is being aware of my own mental health but also those around me. I have been in sales all my life and outgoing so I can overlook that. Why is mental health so important to the present generation?

Luckily for Gen-Z, I believe mental health is being discussed so much more, and the stigmas that were placed on going to therapy or seeking help are ending. This generation is so much more emotionally aware, and especially with social media, mental health is more important than ever. Kids are on these social media sites and are fed content of celebrities and peer’s lives that isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a kid in this day in age.

I think it is so important for parents, teachers, and even peers to talk about mental health and encourage open and honest conversations. Ask how your friends are doing! Encourage therapy! We all need to look out for one another.

Women are outperforming men all across universities in North America. I have worked in some of the best restaurants and so often on Thursdays and Fridays saw only women coming. They always say the same thing, young men are living in their parents’ basement playing video games and do not know how to go on a date or carry on a conversation. Is that true? What can be done about it?

I can only speak from my personal experience as well as what I’ve heard from my friends, and although there are many complaints that can be made about men, I have not experienced this. I have gone on many dates and although they may not be the right match for me, I’ve had a nice time 90% of the time and have always been able to have good conversations with them.

The ones I have dated have also all had jobs, but there are certainly men out there who do just stay living at home and maybe lack the drive needed to begin or advance their careers. I think the key here is just to remember that this is not all men, and we just need to keep looking for the ones who best fit our lifestyle and what we’re looking for – because hey, maybe some women like a guy who lives at home and plays video games!

I want to know something special about the city you live in? What is the food scene and why should we visit?

I live in Boston, MA – known for our sports teams for sure! As a foodie myself, there are some great spots in Boston. Depending on your taste, the North End is a must for Italian food. Especially the famous Mike’s Pastry for dessert! Boston is filled with a range of cuisine, so it’s sure to please any pallet.

Do you feel the pressure to always be perfect? Are the media and magazines putting that pressure on you?

I think as women, we always feel pressure to be perfect to some degree. It’s difficult to not compare yourself to the models on Instagram (even though they’re most likely photoshopped anyway), celebrities, or even just our peers. It has become ingrained in us that we need to look “pretty” to society’s standards, or we are somehow “less than”. But, I believe that as a society we are working to combat this narrative and encourage body diversity.

Besides physically, I think we as women feel the pressure to have everything together all the time. Our job, social life, family time, sleep, exercise schedule, nutrition, etc. have to all be on point 24/7. It’s exhausting! I think we need to take the pressure off ourselves and just start doing what makes us feel good and what works for us. Easier said than done, but hopefully, a goal that can be reached at some point.

I want to know how writing has helped you? I find it cathartic.

Writing has always been my form of therapy. Ever since I was little I would write fictional stories and poetry, and as I got older it turned into my travel blog when I studied abroad, and now my women’s empowerment blog. It has allowed me to express myself in a way that I haven’t been able to otherwise. It has also allowed me to form new connections and help people with topics that no one really wants to talk about. Writing will always be my number one passion, and I don’t see a day where I will ever stop, as it is what makes me who I am.

The post Selena Frongillo: The Pressure To Be Perfect appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

We all need healing.

Every human being you come across is hurting. We all have to face trauma, loneliness, abandonment, grief, loss, divorce, death, sadness, struggles, and the challenges of life. As a result, we all have stuff hidden in the closet. Those who deal with it come out ahead and experience healing. Those who keep it inside to fester and rot. The results are not very good.

Four Columns has spoken to Hannah Siller, Sara Felushko, Brenda, Valerie Fitzpatrick, Tara Lalonde, and various other professionals who talk about dealing with issues that afflict our lives.

We focus so much on our physical, spiritual, and financial health. However, we ignore our mental health. Thrive, empower yourself, and get help.

I talk to Mary Beth, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who talks about the ‘not good enough’ stuff in our lives that we stuff and never deal with it.

Mary Beth, a privilege to have a Licensed Professional Counselor at Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

Thank you for this opportunity! As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have also done my own work in therapy. It’s incredibly important for ALL therapists to have gone to therapy and worked on their own struggles because we ALL have them. For me, I struggled for years with depression, anxiety, and a lot of trauma I never dealt with from childhood. I thought that I would never be able to heal. 

Fortunately, I was in a life-threatening car wreck that gave me a “real” reason, in the eyes of society and mine at the time, to go to therapy. I used the word “fortunately” because if not for my wreck, I probably wouldn’t have begun my own healing journey in therapy. 

It forced me to look at all of my “stuff” that caused such pain throughout my entire life. I then learned that it was actually possible to heal, have a peaceful life and love myself. After that, I decided to go to graduate school while I was physically unable to work. My healing showed me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and that is to help others on their healing journeys. 

I have heard about hiding stuff in the closet. I like your phrase about not good enough stuff. Tell me a little more? 

As I begin my own healing journey, I realized that a lot of my emotional struggles were a result of never feeling good enough. As a psychotherapist, I began noticing the root of almost every client’s emotional pain came from that same “not good enough” feeling. 

One day I was in a session with a client and the words, “you’re not good enough stuff” just fell out of my mouth. My client knew exactly what I was referring to. Now, I use that phrase with every client I work with and they immediately know what I am referring to. 

To get a visual of what I mean with Not Good Enough Stuff, imagine a character opposite of Santa Claus. That character dumped a bag of all your fears, negative thoughts, sadness, shame, and repressed feelings down a chimney that then becomes forever attached to you. That bag is your Not Good Enough Stuff. We all have Not Good Enough Stuff and we can all learn how to heal it. That’s why my blog is called Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Many of us carry hurts, scars, bruises, anger, resentment, and bitterness for years and never deal with it. Help me understand what that does to you when you do not deal with it vs dealing with it? 

Yes, we sure do! When we don’t deal with any of that in a healthy way, our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff gets bigger and bigger. That spills over into every single aspect of our lives, resulting in depression, anxiety, difficulties in relationships, self-esteem and so much more.

It leaves us feeling like we are so screwed up or broken, but nobody is EVER broken. We simply get lost from our true soul identities and decided our emotional pain was our identity, but that is NEVER the case. Looking at that hurt allows us to return to who we truly are, removed from our bad experiences. 

Why do we humans struggle so much with ‘am I good enough’. Is it the media? Is it social media? Why are we so insecure? 

Ah! I love this question. One of the topics I often write about is this very question. Also, I love doing motivational speaking on this topic.

Not Good Enough Stuff comes from just about every aspect of our lives. For many people, it begins with our parents or caregivers. 

Our parents and caregivers have their own Not Good Enough Stuff. If they don’t work to heal that, they unknowingly and often subconsciously put all of that on their children. That’s why we have so much generational trauma because nobody before us did any healing. So, we are actually carrying trauma and Not Good Enough Stuff from every generation that precedes us. Whew! That can be scary and sad to think about. 

Jerry, you’re also correct in thinking that social media now plays a part in our Not Good Enough Stuff. We get lost in comparing ourselves to the perfect “sliver” of lives we see others posting. Also, society, culture, and religion often play a big part in adding to our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Society, culture, and religion seem to have strayed from their roots of love and acceptance for many people. That results in us believing we are not good enough for society, culture, and religion. We are presented with an unattainable image of who we are “supposed” to be in life. That causes Not Good Enough Stuff. I have a blog post about this topic.

There is a constant battle between good and evil for our soul. I am fascinated by your take on it. Walk me through it? 

I think every little, tiny, baby soul brought into this world is beautiful and good. So, then how do we end up with so many “evil” people? Those precious baby souls get piles of Not Good Enough Stuff dumped on them that eventually grow so large that they see no way of healing to get out of it. Those unhealed piles lead them to thrust their Not Good Enough Stuff on the world in hopes of making themselves feel good., even if that is done by hurting others.

Let’s take a look at Hitler. Everybody in the world will agree that he was evil. I’m not arguing with that. However, if you look at Hitler’s childhood you will see how his severe trauma created a pile of Not Good Enough Stuff so large that he was desperate to feel the power and get the attention that severely lacked for him. Very few people are ever taught how to get healthy attention. We can include Hitler in that group. 

Hitler found a way to get a tremendous amount of attention in one of history’s most notoriously negative and evil ways. His enormous pile of Not Good Enough Stuff was thrust upon Jewish people in order to make him feel powerful. 

Please understand that I am not dismissing the insane amount of pain he inflicted upon so many. I am just giving you an extreme example of how I believe Not Good Enough Stuff can create more evil than we could ever imagine. I’m not forgiving Hitler by any means. However, I do have sadness for the little baby soul of Hitler that existed before it turned into one of the biggest evil souls the world has ever seen. 

I love peace and joy. Talk to me about how we can achieve it? 

Yes, peace and joy. Those two words, in addition to self-love, are lacking for so many people. I know that I lacked all of that for the majority of my life. Attaining those seemed impossible until I began my own healing work. As cheesy and cliché as it may seem, self-love is the only way to achieve true peace and joy. 

For me, the way I achieved peace and joy and the way my clients learn to do so, is accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like and probably beat yourself up over. An example of this is how I used to be so ashamed of my temper and anger outbursts. 

Now, when it was extreme I didn’t consciously have shame because I thought people deserved what I dumped on them. After sludging through my healing journey, I realized that nobody, including myself, deserved the wrath of my anger. 

I began exploring that there might be a positive side to my temper and anger outbursts. Passion! I realized that my temper had benefited me in some ways because it showed me what I was passionate about in life. 

For example, when somebody treated me or somebody else poorly, I lashed out in very grand and unhealthy ways. Eventually, I was able to see that my anger was simply my passion. Everybody deserves to be treated well, but that didn’t happen in my childhood as it should have. So, I thought I had to fight for myself and others to get it. 

Stepping back from that anger, I realized that my passion protected me when I didn’t know-how. So, I have gratitude for that misguided passion. Now, I can love and accept that “temper’ that can flare up instead of being ashamed of it. Also, I can let go of the hatred I had for it because it was important in my growth and healing journey. 

I am a big believer in practicing patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness. Do we have anything in common? 

We sure do! I could write a book on each one of those you mentioned, but I’ll try to be much briefer than a book. Also, I am available for motivational speaking on this topic.

I think the reason so many people struggle with each of those is that it was probably absent from their lives when they needed it. We all deserve to receive all of those you mentioned, but it is so hard to do when you are sitting in the midst of your Not Good Enough Stuff. 

I want to make sure I mention the most important part of those qualities AND the hardest, which is having those important qualities towards ourselves. When I work with my clients we start this kind of work by exploring and healing the inner child.

I am currently working on blog posts about how to do that. So, if anybody is interested in learning how to heal his/her inner child, they can subscribe to my blog to get those posts emailed to them when they are published. 

I’d be lying if I said that I’m always able to offer those qualities to others. There are certainly times where my temper flares and those beautiful qualities I worked so hard to have, go flying out the window. 

After I process what happened, I can then look back and see that the true soul of the person who hurt me is lacking patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness for themselves. They have their Not Good Enough Stuff they haven’t healed AND they deserve to heal, even if they hurt me.

To come and see you, we have to accept we are broken and need healing. It is a process. Some of these are deep. Tell me more? 

I don’t ever use the word “broken” because most people’s pain stems from childhood. However, my clients usually begin their first session telling me they are broken. Once we began looking at their pain and see that it began in childhood, I ask them if they would tell a little child that he or she was broken. Of course, they answer with a big, fat “no.” 

So, then I explain that their pain is from their inner child who needed love but was never broken. Keep in mind that most people struggle with acknowledging that their pain came from childhood. I hear clients all the time say they had a “good childhood.” 

Emotional trauma looks much different to a child than it does to an adult. For adults, trauma is a violent experience, loss, and other “major” life-changing events. For a child who doesn’t yet have adult brain development, something that seems as simple as being called, “lazy” or “clumsy” several times can have the same impact as a “major” life-changing event that an adult experiences. 

I find women are more relational. They get together, they talk about their issues. Men do not and become an island.  I personally find women do a lot better after the age of 45 than men?

I think you are correct for the most part. However, when women get together to “vent” to their friends, there is often so much that they hide even from their best friends because of shame and fear of not being understood. 

That is the same reason that men become an island. Society and most cultures teach men that they are supposed to be “strong.” So, any semblance of portraying weakness is so incredibly scary.

I love working with men as a psychotherapist. I help guide them through the exploration of vulnerability to see it as a strength. I have had a men’s therapy group that was so incredibly healing for the group members. To have a group of men share their fears, pain and struggles are one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

So, for the men out there, I challenge you to see that therapy and vulnerability are huge signs of strength because those are so hard to do. It goes against what you were taught. If therapy and vulnerability were so easy, every man and woman would do it. 

I cannot love my wife, daughter, son, my parents, or my friends if I do not learn to love myself and accept myself. Comment?

That is so true! The hard part about doing that is that most of us were never taught how to love ourselves. The reason for that is that we have all the generations preceding us who know nothing about self-love. 

If you’ve never seen something or had anybody model what that something would look like, it is a huge and long struggle to learn it. So, I say to anyone wanting to learn self-love, know that the road is long and hard. However, for me and my clients, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever achieve in life because then you will be able to fully love those who get the privilege of being in your life!

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Divorce mediation involves a good-faith negotiation between two parties and an experienced mediator who assists them in reaching an agreement during a fair process. If two spouses cannot agree on issues concerning their divorce or separation, a mediator can help them resolve these matters out of court. I recommend divorce mediation as it is private, better preserves people’s autonomy, and costs a tenth of an average court process.

The mediator is a neutral third party who can be the catalyst to resolving conflict by managing conversations on how clients will share parenting time, around support payments, and property division. The mediator does not take sides, give legal advice, or make decisions for their clients.

Divorce mediation is a powerful and transformative approach to conflict resolution. Empowerment is cognitive and helps the two individuals see alternatives and choices. Empowerment is awareness. Empowerment is all about keeping a distance from the negative actions, beliefs, and embracing positive choices towards fulfilled living.

Empowerment is also accepting the changes in our relationships, emotions, and not being scared of fear or judgment.

Richard Brydson is a Family Mediator and the Owner at Aligned Choices Mediation in Ontario, Canada. In his work as a Family Mediator, he assists couples to formalize the end of their relationship without the need for financially and emotionally costly court proceedings. I talk to Richard about mediation and the advantages of using a mediator in the conversation below.

RICHARD WELCOME TO FOUR COLUMNS.  TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR JOURNEY TO BECOMING A MEDIATOR? WHY YOU CHOSE IT?

My journey to becoming a family mediator was a natural outgrowth from my previous line of work in the healthcare industry. I was a privately employed caregiver in two different long-term care facilities. My primary role as a companion to my senior clients, however, there were many opportunities to advocate for them with staff because they were often unable to speak for themselves due to dementia factors, as well as, cognitive delays or speech difficulties.

During one two-week period, I took four opportunities to seek changes for my clients that would elevate their experience and quality of life. After the wide range of experiences my advocacy produced, I knew I needed to balance how I supported the rights of the vulnerable people I cared for while preserving the collegial and friendly relationships I had within the facilities. 

Learning about conflict resolution helped me to begin softening the activist spirit in me, and especially how to ‘separate the person from the problem’. Showing up with kindness in situations of adversity is no longer difficult for me, and I model the temperament and responsiveness as a mediator that enlivens the participatory spirit in others.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE QUALITIES THAT YOU BRING TO THE TABLE THAT MOTIVATE PEOPLE TO CHOOSE YOU?

I have received feedback from clients that I show genuine empathy while validating their experience. I often recognize the deep desires, sorrows, or sense of injustice during the first conversation, and use a reflective storytelling technique to imprint on them that they are being heard. 

All the cases that I have done since starting my practice involve creating a safe container for my clients to experience their emotions as needed. I have not had any high conflict clients thus far in my practice, but am confident that my ability to maintain a safe environment will include capturing and redirecting strong emotions that could destabilize the process.

I always do my best to impart the strength and skills my clients need to maintain their agreements after the mediation is completed. I see it as a sign of their stability and my success when they do not need me after we have finished the process. 

I HAVE SPENT A MAJOR PART OF MY CAREER IN FINANCIAL SERVICES AND HAVE SEEN COUNTLESS DIVORCES. I ALWAYS TOLD THE COUPLE TO GO TO MEDIATION. WALK ME THROUGH THE ADVANTAGES OF CHOOSING A MEDIATOR?

To keep it simple I have a brief list of the advantages. They are:

Transparency – You will be present while all the issues are negotiated. If you were to hire lawyers to negotiate for you they would do it without you there.

Privacy – All of my mediations are “closed” processes. This means they are strictly confidential except when the safety of a child is in question. If you choose to fight it out in court, the proceedings become part of the public record.

Better for children – Mediation seeks to reduce conflict and support the shared long-term goals of both parents and their children. A litigation-focused lawyer may not mind that you are understandably unable to stop yourself from bringing the emotions of the ongoing court battle home to your kids. 

Less expensive than negotiation and litigation – Fees for mediation are mostly shared between the clients, and run on average at $1,250 per person for a couple who agree on most issues. In contrast, the hours would be similar for a lawyer to negotiate but there are no shared fees. Litigation can easily be 10 times the average cost of mediation or more.

Control over the final plan – Even though the plan needs to be what you and your former spouse agree to, you have more control than in a court as there are more options available to mediators for resolving matters. Judges will have to follow the law precisely and you may be left with an agreement that you are very unhappy with.

AS A MEDIATOR DO YOU WORK WITH LAWYERS?

Yes, I do work closely with family lawyers, most often at the end of a mediation process. As part of any mediation, the discussions I have with clients are structured to allow them to make a safe and sustainable co-parenting plan for their children’s future. Before signing a binding Separation Agreement both clients need to receive independent legal advice because as a mediator I don’t offer clients advice during mediation. 

This is in order to maintain my neutrality for one, but it also allows me to focus my energy where it would be most helpful. My work with clients is often complete after I release a memorandum detailing our discussions, they will each consult with a lawyer and I can be involved with their council in order to finalize the document.

IN MEDIATION IS THERE A GIVE AND TAKE?

By this question I think you are asking if there is a need for people to be generous, let go and compromise. The simple answer is yes. My experience so far in my practice is that when clients are able to have what they really care about validated by their former spouse they are usually more willing to find a middle ground on issues where an impasse has divided them. 

I am always on the lookout for opportunities to expand the conversation and broaden my clients’ awareness so that they can acknowledge the reality of their spouse’s needs or values without having to agree with their truth.

DIVORCE CAN BE A NEGATIVE BUT IT CAN ALSO BE A POSITIVE. HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE POSITIVES?

To answer this question I will draw on the stories from my clients and friends who have been through divorce and align it with the positives that can come out of our most painful life experiences. Whether you are into, or new to, the life expansion possibilities of self-inquiry and meditative practices I think there will be takeaways in the following paragraphs.

Living a healthy life as an individual is not possible without other people, nor can you participate positively and sustainably without caring for yourself. This is obvious enough but the angle I want to talk about involves learning to draw flexible boundaries in your intimate relationships to both prevent and reduce the intensity of the conflict.  

Balancing the needs for autonomy and connection is no easy task, and there are many to choose from but these two perspective shifts come to mind as the most important to creating a positive legacy for your future relationships after divorce.

The first has to do with exploring where your care and concern for your spouse started to break down during a conflict. If you found yourself asking for something over and over again during your marriage I would invite the keen observer to be honest with themselves and ask if they were practicing what they were asking for. If this is an automatic, “yes, of course”, slow down your thinking and find out what makes you so certain. 

If you found the way you spoke or acted didn’t match your expectations of your former spouse I would invite you to explore the many meanings underneath. This way the next time one of your boundaries is crossed you have the opportunity to emphasize your needs while communicating with care and understanding.

The second involves verbalizing how someone could reliably show care in a way that matters to you. This point is crucial because it could be that you have never consciously thought about how a universal need like empathy or respect can be demonstrated by your partner. Further questions could be, Is there only one way to show care? Can another’s way of expressing closeness be admitted into our understanding? The truth is we can be us, and they can be them. Perhaps as a result of knowing this about yourself, you will be able to let your partner give in their natural way, and that if they receive recognition for their way of caring, they will then freely act and reciprocate in the ways you value deep down.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS A COUPLE NEEDS TO FOCUS ON DURING THE DIVORCE SO THAT ALL PARTIES THRIVE?

Trying to move through the mediation and then on with their life with the emphasis firmly on action. 

There are few experiences in life as hard as coming to the point of accepting and asking for help with separation. What often comes next is the very understandable desire is for it to be done and over with a quickly as possible

My goal with clients from the very first conversation is to blend and balance their needs to have a speedy resolution with a sustainable plan that will not have them overstretched or unprepared to handle the adjustments to their lives brought on by the co-parenting agreement. Helping clients push through the tough topics and learn ways to manage stress as co-parents are indispensable tools to allow people to thrive.

There is no more beneficial focus that helps people thrive after a divorce than finding out and incorporating the voice of their child or children in the process. When parents are unsure about or just disagree about what these best interests are I may suggest they each ask for their views. Two primary conditions need to be met for this to help the parents: One is that the child is at least 8 years old about their views, remember that “kids get a voice, but not a choice”. Two is that the parents need to agree on how much weight to give their child’s voice in the decision making.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT WOMEN CAN DO AFTER A DIVORCE TO THRIVE?

Balanced self-care: Thriving after divorce involves good self-care. The approach I say works best while getting started is a routine focused on both mind and body health.  

Take care of your body as much as possible. From balancing your diet to activities like yoga or Qi-gong, there are few practices like these that will not serve your wellness moving forward. I would make time for these activities every week, but be kind to yourself if you get busier at work or with family responsibilities and your routine is temporarily affected. 

A retreat or at least a trip: As it will likely be some time before long-distance travel becomes a safe and available option for most of us, in-home virtual retreats and long weekend getaways closer to home are alternatives to consider. If retreats are not your thing, I would encourage you to at least not plan out every minute of your getaway in advance. 

Giving can be no different from receiving: For those who are starting out without a strong support network a change that really helped me in the past was to volunteer my time to make others important for even a few hours a week. The shift in my perspective on the topic of giving came to me while caring for seniors in my previous career. Many of my clients had dementia and communication difficulties and I found that when I was fully there for them my devoted attention became something I recognized as a gift in itself.

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Entrepreneurship is about creating value. It is about taking risks and bootstrapping. It is the framework for designing, launching, and running a new business. The creator of this business is called an entrepreneur. The entrepreneur has to make business decisions and deal with government policies, market demand, and economic crises. The entrepreneur has to focus on her core competence and create a competitive advantage to increase the footprint.

The entrepreneur acts on an idea and manages and oversees the launch and growth of her business. The entrepreneur has to develop a business plan, go alone or hire staff, work within her financial and material resources, look at her own skill sets, be a dynamic leader, see her attitude to risk, and take responsibility for failure or success.

Four Columns loves entrepreneurs who take risks, think outside the box, meet the needs of the market, are agile, and go above and beyond to surpass the expectations of the customer.

Jesselina started Pad2Go, Muskan Khanna owns a boutique tea store, Ashley is starting a beauty business, Paula Ariya owns a beauty salon, Mallory Aldred owns a food consulting business, and Anu Bidani is starting STEM, one of the fastest tech educational firms in North America. These women are game-changers on the cutting edge in their field, empowering women and making a difference in society.

From my perspective, too many entrepreneurs get so focused that they sacrifice many other important areas of their lives. Michelle runs The Balanced CEO, which is a place for entrepreneurs to become their best selves while growing their business. Michelle empowers you to create a strong mind, body, and soul connection so you can develop a positive mindset and focus on productivity while building consistent habits and routines, reduce stress, balance your well-being, and build a successful business with purpose.

Michelle talks about life, gratitude, self-reflection, and having balance in our lives.

Michelle, I am looking forward to interviewing you as we have so much in common. Tell me a little about you?

Thank you so much for interviewing me, Jerry! I was born and raised on a very small island known as St.Thomas, United States Virgin Islands. My mom is from Trinidad and my dad was from New York. Since 2014, I have been living in the states first in Virginia and now I am living in Maryland. I went to college to become a Pastry Chef and worked in that field for a while but later quit and started working in insurance and soon realized that I wanted nothing more but to become my own boss.

I am a big believer in having balance in your life. Walk me through how you came up with The Balanced CEO?

After being self-employed for a few years now I noticed that as much as I was passionate about building a successful business and doing it all, I quickly became overwhelmed and burnt out causing a toll on my health.

I was so focused on growing my business that I wasn’t paying attention to taking care of myself, my well-being, and other areas of my life.  

Once I started taking care of myself first I have become happier and healthier and able to function better, become more creative, and able to get through my to-do list a lot easier causing my business to grow faster.

Being an entrepreneur is one of the most rewarding jobs out there and to succeed starts with YOU. The more that we show love and care for our mind, body, and soul the more we can achieve because it will come from a place of balance. 

We aren’t here to just work but also to find the right balance to enjoy other things in life.

I know from personal experience that it is hard creating a balance between life and business but it is possible!

So, I created The Balanced CEO to provide inspiration, resources, tools, and tips to help entrepreneurs, bloggers, and content creators manage their mind, take care of themselves, become less overwhelmed, more productive, and become the best version of themselves all while building your dream business.

We all have so much potential within us and we can create the life we deserve but it all starts with ourselves.

At The Balanced CEO, it is all about implementing balance in the lives of us entrepreneurs who try to do it all.

Before I got married I did not know how to spell gratitude. I practice it daily. Your best practice is to practice gratitude daily. Talk to me about why and the after-effects?

I believe that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. No matter how hard your life is at the moment there is always a little something that you should be thankful for whether it is you have a warm place to live in, clothes on your back, food to eat, or waking up to see another day. People often focus on what they don’t have vs. what they do have. I believe that when times are tough and you shift your mindset to focus on what you do have you will become happy and fulfilled. It’s all about being mindful and appreciating life and everything it has to offer.

Balancing your mind, body, and soul is not easy. How did you achieve this at such an early stage in your life? For me, it has taken a lot of introspection?

This is something I am actually still working on and I do believe that we are always working on balancing our mind, body, and soul as the journeys in our life change.

I take it one day at a time now by creating habits and routines that help balance out my day. 

For my morning routine, I spend a few hours taking care of myself, mind, body, and soul first before jumping into work. I never used to do this and it has changed my life completely. I journal, read, workout, and make myself a healthy breakfast. My morning routine has helped me to become motivated and has given me the energy to start my workday with a positive attitude.

In the evening time, I “clock out” of work and I practice yoga then spend time with my husband. 

I have learned to appreciate the time I have in the day and not take it for granted but instead use my time wisely and create a work-life balance.

I have been a giver all my life without boundaries. However, it hurt me. Talk to me about loving ourselves, cutting negative relationships, and letting go of toxicity in our lives?

It is so important to love ourselves first, many people think it is selfish but it is 100% not selfish. To be full of bliss and balanced, we need to be happy with ourselves. In order, to help others and take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first. Learning to say no, cutting off negative relationships, or removing ourselves from any kind of negative environment will seem hard at first. You will feel guilty and your emotions will get the best of you. But, once you see how positively it impacts your mind and your life, it will get easier. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves no one else. So, choose to live it the way you want. Negative relationships bring you down and cause you to be negative as well putting a damper on your mind and your goals. You should always surround yourself with positive people. Why go through life being negative and living miserably?

I have met so many entrepreneurs who are successful financially but have messed up personal lives. Help me understand how does balance look like in their lives?

Money is important because we need it to survive and lots of us just want to be financially free. But, what is more, important is the people in our lives, our relationships, and our self-care. The money will always come and go but our family and friends, unfortunately, don’t live forever and we should never take that for granted. These entrepreneurs probably spent 24/7 working and even when they were with their families, work probably came first. There is always a way to have a work-life balance. You just have to figure out what works for you and your life.

Self-reflection is an amazing habit as long as it is done to see how you can help other people by becoming better… please explain?

Self-reflection is such a great way to slow down, practice self-care, and live in the present moment. Sometimes we get so caught up in our day-to-day and it’s like we are on autopilot. It causes us to become frustrated like we aren’t seeing any progress on our goals. But, if we take the time to reflect by journaling, looking at past pictures, or just meditating it will help us to reflect on our mistakes, see how far we come and if our daily tasks are aligned with our goals. Practicing self-reflection consistently will help us gain more clarity and peace in our lives.

In your opinion do we have a healthy relationship with social media? Does the dopamine effect of likes, shares, pins, and comments make it artificial, and is it healthy?

I believe that a lot of us don’t have healthy relationships with social media. Especially as entrepreneurs we are obsessing over our metrics (likes, share, engagement, etc).  And we tend to compare ourselves to others causing us to be less productive and strive for perfection. When perfection actually does not exist. We shouldn’t compare ourselves because all our journeys are different. We are all unique and can share our messages differently. We need to rewire our brains to learn to use social media as a tool to connect not compare.

Can anyone become an entrepreneur? Should they do a self-analysis and see if they have the skill sets?

I believe anyone can become what they want to be if they put their mind to it. But, entrepreneurship might not be for everyone. The long hours, the risk, and the mindset is hard. I know some people who never want to be an entrepreneur because they like structure and the stability of having a paycheck. So, yes a self-analysis is definitely a good idea. But, if you are determined to become an entrepreneur and realize you don’t have any skills, just learn. As entrepreneurs, we are constantly learning new skills as we wear many hats in the business. So, if you set your mind to something you can do it.

You are a woman after my own heart. You like food and carbs. Talk to me about your city where you live and the food scene?

I currently live in Maryland and I am near the DMV area (DC, Maryland, Virginia). There are so much different foods and cultures here and I love it. Being from the Caribbean it’s nice to have a lot of different foods that remind me of home. Also, I love the fact that I can find lots of healthy restaurants.

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