The journey of Amanda Buchanan is anything but ordinary. The oldest of 7 siblings, she just thought it was “normal” to take responsibility and take charge. It wasn’t until later in life that she realized her “bossiness” was actually a manifestation of her leadership & executive management skills, which had been evident at a young age. It was only in her late twenties that someone used the word “leader” in relation to her influence and skills, and since that time, she has not only leaned into her own leadership but also championed other women to do so as well. Her work experience and personal story became the catalyst for a decade-long partnership with coaching. This journey not only reshaped her career but also strengthened her identity, values, and voice as a woman navigating male-dominated spaces.

At Four Columns of a Balanced Life, we believe every woman carries a story worth learning from. One that can spark transformation, courage, and clarity for others. Today, we dive into the heart of Amanda’s journey as a life coach and leader.

In this conversation, I wanted to know something unique about her—what shaped her, what ignited her passion, and what continues to fuel her mission to guide women and leaders toward authenticity, awareness, and wholeness. Amanda brings a blend of spiritual wisdom, clinical insight, and real-world leadership experience that makes her coaching style deeply human and refreshingly practical.

Her story is a reminder that empowerment doesn’t begin when we “have it all together,” but when we’re willing to grow, ask better questions, and lead from who we truly are.

What inspired you to become a life coach, and was there a defining moment that led you down this path?

In my late 20s, I found myself in a leadership position where I was way over my head. Not only did I need to learn new skills, but I was working way too much. I was so desperate for help that when someone offered to connect me with a coach, I said yes, not even fully understanding what coaching was. I just knew counselling wasn’t what I needed. I have had a coach for the last decade and never looked back! The journey was transformative, not only for my leadership and my life, but for my career trajectory.

Amanda can you be more specific about the changes you saw back then?

There was a huge learning curve in self-awareness [think Myers-Briggs, personal values, strengths, spiritual gifts, motivations; to name a few] and how this impacted my leadership. I learned to adapt and consider what other people needed and expected from me, and lean into how I was wired to lead from a place that was authentic to me. I started to understand that work could not consume me, but I was actually a better leader when I was living a life that was fuller, by developing creative outlets, physical care and a supportive social system. I fully believe that the best gift a leader can give their organization is holistic health. I could keep going, but I’ll stop there. 

What is the difference between coaching, counselling and consulting? 

At a basic level: counselling looks at the past and coaching looks ahead to the future. Counselling might ask: where did you come from? And what happened to you to shape who you are today? Coaching will ask: where do you want to be in a year, or three years and how do you get there? Or who do you want to be in a particular situation? Both counselling and consulting place the expectation of expertise on the consultant or counsellor. Good coaching makes the one being coached the expert, and with wise questions and observations helps the coachee discover things about themselves.

How has your own personal growth journey shaped the way you coach others?

I am a female who worked in a male-dominated field and I had to push through a lot of obstacles and stereotypes about what was “appropriate” for a woman to do, as well as what was considered “feminine” or not. For example: the fact that many times for women confidence and assertiveness often times is mistaken for aggression or even said to be “masculine.” Or the shame many women feel when their emotions emerge in a work-place setting, when in reality their emotions can be a gift to their colleagues if they have done the work of self-awareness and staying healthy. I am particularly passionate about helping people learn to bring their full-selves to the teams they are on and to lead from their strengths.

How would you describe your coaching style, and what makes it unique?

I’ve been told that people experience me as if we are having a very natural conversation with a lot of good questions to draw out some reflection and discovery. When appropriate I will ask if I can share my own experience with something that may help the client or offer a different perspective on a situation. I believe that every human being is put on this earth with something unique to offer the world and coaching is the process to bring clarity and focus to that discovery. Because of this, I also consider spiritual wellness an important aspect of health and wellness. My training in psychotherapy also helps to inform how things from our past influence our perspective. 

There are many life coaches out there, but I get such energy from working with leaders (which can be formal or informal leadership, influence and management…and yes…mom’s out there are leading their kids every day, so that counts too!) and helping them to discover their unique leadership style and develop needed skills. This tends to also spill out into other areas of their life, as who a leader is affects how their organizations grow and develops. 

What is the most common obstacle your clients face, and how do you help them overcome it?

I’m going to address this from two perspectives: internal factors and external factors. 

Internal factors are often times around limiting beliefs or internal narratives: confidence/imposter syndrome and the stories we tell ourselves that make us feel inadequate or unqualified. For women particularly there are often times narratives they have absorbed subconsciously that manifest due to their work challenges. Through coaching we identify these and work to process and replace them with empowering narratives that are authentic to who they feel that they are. 

External factors can include transitions in work or life, such as a promotion or a job that has grown to include more than a person feels qualified for. In these situations, we create a growth plan and identify areas and resources for development and implementation.

Can you share a success story where your coaching made a significant impact on someone’s life?

A success story for me is watching a client have an “ah-ha” moment in a session or pieces or themselves “click into place” and they leave a session with new insights and actions to work through.

A client success story? One client came to me with a lot of confusion about her role in the organization and a lack of clarity about how to prioritize her time. After six months of monthly one-on-one coaching, we celebrated together how much more confident she felt in her role and in her leadership. She reflected that she had a renewed sense of excitement for the changes ahead in her organization and how she would navigate those with her team and influence her peers and boss. She was grateful for the clarity she had about her role and also about what wasn’t her role [which is just as important] and how to have conversations that would shape the culture and changes going forward.  

What advice would you give to someone who is feeling stuck or unfulfilled in their life or leadership?

It happens to most of us: at some point we will likely hit a wall of some kind where what we know or how we did things, is no longer working for us. This is the season that reaching out for help is one of the best things you can do for yourself and the people around you! This is where finding a coach instead of a counsellor is going to make the biggest difference. Hear me: I love counselling, and even trained to be one, and it has its’ place. But stuck-ness in the present moment is going to need a coaching approach, not a counselling approach: one that helps you shift your thinking out of your past/present into present/future possibilities. ASK yourself to answer these two questions on a scale of 1-10: how much do you want your life to be different in a year and how willing are you to change it? If the answer is AN 8…you are probably READY for a coach!

How can someone identify if they truly need a life coach, and what should they look for when choosing one?

I think coaching (life or leadership coaching) is most effective when someone is ready for things to be different and ready to do the work to make it different. Maybe a person is feeling stuck, or maybe they are simply just feeling like things are the same and they want things to be different in a year. Either way, coaching is helpful as a thought-process through wise and intentional questions to allow time for thinking and reflection, leading to insights and action. I think many people live life like it is happening to them, when in reality, you can choose where you focus and who you become. We have plans for our finances and our retirement, why do we not have plans for the type of people we want to be, or who we want to be as a leader or manager? 

If I was looking for a coach, I’d definitely look for someone you think you can trust and be fully open with – where there is some chemistry. I would also probably tend to encourage people to work with someone who may have experience in areas they wish to grow, but this isn’t a hard and fast rule. That’s why most coaches offer a 15-minute free discovery call to explore questions and chemistry.

What daily habits or mindset shifts do you recommend for personal growth and resilience?

Curiosity is the biggest mindset shift, I think especially for women. We tend to make value judgements on everything, even ourselves (I’m thinking here those statements: “I am too much,” or “not enough”). When I shift from judging…to being curious about what is happening inside and outside, it makes me willing to explore where those thoughts come from or interact with someone different from me, rather than be intimidated or to be hard on myself. 

Finding time to give attention to what is going on inside of you is a really important: for some this might be quiet time in the morning or evening, for others this could be walking without listening to a podcast. You need to pay attention to the affect your life is having on you or you wake up one day wondering how you “got here” or (in worst cases) can’t get out of bed because your life has become too much. As a person of faith, I think reminding myself daily that I am valuable and loved because of who I am and not what I do for others is critical. 

How do you balance your professional life as a coach with your personal life?

This may be a controversial statement but I think that balance is a bit of an illusion and has become a burden because it feels like it creates polarities (you either have balance or you don’t). For me, the question is more about living integrated or living from wholeness. For example, when I am in a season of high demand (stress or busyness) often times my time and desire for my normal workout routine would diminish. But instead of giving it up completely, I make it my goal to do something active with less intensity (or less time). Sometimes that means I schedule a “walking meeting” with a client or I would do 25 minutes of exercise rather than the hour because I refused to let what was important to me be taken away completely. I still try to live into all the parts of myself all the time, but the intensity shifts with the season. It is not so much balanced living as living-whole; with every part of my life activated.

What role does self-care play in achieving life goals, and what practices do you personally follow?

Ruth Haley Barton says that the best gift we offer to others is our transformed self, which means our entire self needs attention. We are constantly being and becoming and every season demands different types of growth and/or rest. Personally, I have something called “rule of life”; if you imagine that every season of your life requires different fruit/strengths from you, then you need to decide how you are going to grow and nurture your roots. What inputs do you need for this next season? What rhythms?  What disciplines? This can include everything from spiritual practices (prayer and meditation), physical exercise, creativity & play and social events. 

If you could give one piece of empowering advice to your younger self, what would it be? 

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are actually doing really great!

The post Amanda Buchanan: Living & leading with Clarity, Confidence & Compassion appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Living a life beyond fears is a powerful and transformative journey that involves both self-reflection and intentional action.

It is critical to identify and acknowledge the specific fears that hold you back.  Explore the origins of your fears and understand how they may be rooted in past experiences or limiting beliefs. Embrace the reality of your fears without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means acknowledging your feelings without letting them control you. Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that contribute to your fears. Develop and repeat positive statements that counteract your fears.

Take small, incremental steps to confront your fears rather than trying to overcome them all at once.  Enlist the help of friends, family, or a therapist to provide encouragement and guidance as you face your fears. Instead of viewing failures as roadblocks, see them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Remember that overcoming fear is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to seek professional help if needed. A therapist or counselor can offer guidance and support as you work towards living a life beyond fear.

Cindy Moore is a unique blogger and has a unique take on life. She focuses on living life beyond fears, limitations, and her comfort zone and embraces a sense of wonderment and adventure. She recently started a healing journey. She changed her diet and has become healthy. Cindy shares some amazing experiences and her path to living a fulfilled life.

Cindy, help me understand what it means when you say you are a woman on a journey and living life beyond fears?

I spent most of my life living in fear, playing it safe, and staying well within my comfort zone. Two deaths, close together, helped me to realize that I no longer wanted to spend another moment of my life living in fear and playing it safe. My journey began as an inner one with facing my fears. My decision to move beyond my comfort zone launched a year of trying a new experience every day. My blogging journey began simultaneously as a way to chronicle those new experiences.

You talk a lot about enchantment, surrender, and inspiration. Break it down for me?

After moving beyond my comfort zone, by trying new experiences, my whole life opened up. I recognized that life is meant to be experienced as a magical or enchanted journey and that the Divine offers help and guidance for that journey. I see life differently than I used to and I see signs and wonders everywhere that delight me and encourage me to keep going. Every day I have ongoing conversations with the Divine that lead me to new people, opportunities, and yes, experiences. Surrender involves letting go of the familiar and allowing myself to be carried, in the “Flow of Life”, to those new people, opportunities, and experiences. It involves trust and builds a sense of adventure. I know I’ve moved out of the flow of life when I feel resistance to an opportunity or experience.

Please explain what it means to live beyond fears, limitations, and comfort zone?

Living Beyond, for me, means to move past those fears, limitations, and comfort zones by trusting that the journey meant for me is for my greatest and highest good and also for the good of others in my life. Fear shuts me down and stops me from moving forward. Living Beyond opens me up to possibilities and expands my thinking and perspective so that I can see life in a bigger way. As fresh opportunities arrive, I say “yes”, which moves me beyond my comfort zone as I try new things. Limitations are old ways of thinking and doing things. Going Beyond means I’m willing to open to new ways of thinking and doing things. Comfort zones keep us safe and also keep us from trying something that feels scary or uncomfortable. I believe in living beyond fears.

Give me some examples of embracing a sense of wonderment and adventure?

Embracing wonderment and adventure means living with a higher awareness of all that is going on in my life and seeing the connectedness of all things. Two years ago, I played a game that I created, in which I wrote 30 different activities on slips of paper and dropped them into a jar. Each day I drew out an activity and did it. What I quickly realized was that the activities, drawn at random, perfectly matched the amount of time I had each day or, amazingly, the weather. I only had two rainy day activities in the jar. I drew both of them on the only two rainy days I had during the month. What are the odds of that? That’s wonderment and that’s trust. It’s also the Divine at work in my life. When I asked the Divine, in amazement, “Do you want to play with me?”, the answer I received back was “Do you want to play with ME?” My answer was YES and my life hasn’t been the same since.

What is the main reason for your blog and what are you trying to achieve?

The purpose of Cindy Goes Beyond is to help readers realize that life can be lived at the edges…of comfort zones, limitations and fears. We can live BIG lives and experience joy, wonderment, and enchantment if we develop higher awareness. I share posts around nature, gardening, travel, and the inner journey…all with the intention of helping others to see what an enchanted life looks like.

Talk to me about some challenges you have been through and how you dealt with it and are thriving?

I grew up very fearful of many things. However, my primary fear was to live as the person I was created to be. I am an intuitive and yet I feared my abilities and tried to separate that “weird” part of me from my “normal” self. That didn’t work. It only shut down my creative side. Moving past my fears and accepting myself exactly as I am opened the door to my creative side again. And I moved beyond my fears by facing them and sitting with them and exploring my intuitive side. As I learned more about who I am and what I can do, the fears subsided.

Give yourself some advice when you were 16, 26, and 36?

Age 16: Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Spend your teen years getting to know yourself. And don’t be so concerned about what other people think. Be you, without hiding, without pretending to be someone else, just so people will feel comfortable around you. You are afraid because you don’t understand who you are.

Age 26: Enjoy these years with your young family. Encourage your son and daughters to be fully who they are, by showing them who you are. They will follow your example. Continue to invest in yourself by doing the things that bring you joy.

Age 36: This is your time to shine, as a woman. Banish any lingering fears and self-doubts and pursue the life you want. Know fully what your purpose in life is and don’t let anything get in your way as you live from that place of intentional being.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Empowerment for women starts with complete acceptance of who we are. It’s an inner journey that manifests as an outer journey. We must learn to parent ourselves, if we had bad parents, and love ourselves deeply and fully if our spouses/lovers have not done that for us. We cannot look to others to do these things for us. We set ourselves free, and the people in our lives free, when we do not need acceptance and love to come from outside ourselves. Once we are free, we can help to free others to live extraordinary lives.

Give my female audience three pieces of advice?

Accept yourself completely. The journey to self-love begins with self-acceptance. Love yourself fully by embracing who you are and then really live from that space. Be you…and find the things that you enjoy doing. That is your passion.

Pursue your passion. Share your passion with others as you journey and you will make a difference in the lives of others.

How important are food, faith, finance, and family to you? How do you find a balance and prioritize among them?

They are all connected. The food we eat provides the building blocks for our bodies. The foods we choose can nourish and heal…or they can slowly poison us to death by fostering disease. I embraced a plant-based lifestyle three years ago, to heal my body of various ailments. There is no turning back for me. I am healthier than I have ever been and living life beyond fears has helped.

A second blog, Journey With Healthy Me was born from that decision to take charge of my health and help others do the same. I’ve discovered that as I healed, my desire increased to help others heal, and then even further out, I developed a deep desire to heal the planet as well. Faith is extremely important to me. I believe God, or the Divine, guides me daily. I listen through prayer and meditation but I also receive through songs, random conversations, signs, and intuition. Finances, or money, comes as we connect with who we are and do that which we are created to do. My family is my legacy. My children and grandchildren learn by my example and through our conversations. It is important for me to live a joy-filled, enchanted life so that they have “permission” to do the same.

The post Live a Life Beyond Fears appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

New beginnings are what we need sometimes in our lives. It is time to identify your true priorities. It is time to focus on what is authentic, true, and real. A new beginning means different things to different people. For me personally, next month means moving to a new city, committing myself to love my wife and daughter unconditionally daily, focusing on spiritual discipline, writing, taking care of my emotional, mental and physical health, and making a difference in the community I live in.

It can be tough growing up when your father is someone who is rich, famous, and powerful. Sometimes the challenge can be living up to expectations. Other times the burden the last name carries. I sit down with Debbie, who I worked with to find out a little about her life.

Debbie, it is great catching up with you. What have you been up to? 

Hi Jerry, nice catching up with you as well, it’s been a while.

I have been up to quite a bit since we last saw each other. I now live near Kingston in the 1000 islands and own my own gift/clothing and art boutique.

Your dad was a famous entrepreneur in Canada. Was there any pressure growing up or following in his footsteps?

I felt no pressure to follow in my Dad’s footsteps. I had no intention of being in the same business, but that’s where I ended up in the investment business. I loved it, and stayed in the business for 25 years, it was exciting, challenging, and a lot of fun.

I have known you for two decades. How has Debbie changed over that time?

I left the business in 2016 and moved to the 1000 islands where I opened up my boutique in Kingston, so my life is completely different than where I thought I would be now. I live outside a small town in a rural area not a big city anymore. My career is still very challenging but this new venture is much more creative.

No more long commutes or living in a condo. I am now surrounded by nature.

You are a Torontonian. The real blue blood 416. Talk to me about this wonderful city?

I was definitely a true-blue blood 416 Toronto girl born and raised; I never would have imagined leaving my city. But as the city grew by leaps and bounds and I got older I wanted to live a quieter life.

I will always love the Toronto I grew up in but things change that’s part of life.

Give yourself some advice at 15 and 25?

Hmmm, advice.

At 15- I would tell myself to relax don’t worry so much You have nothing to prove to anyone except to yourself.

At 25- slow down a bit and take in the moments.

Would you prefer a sensitive male who can cook or a handyman who cannot connect with you emotionally?

Lol, I am now married 10 years (wow how time flies) he’s sensitive and definitely cooks he used to be a chef. Not bad at being handy either so I feel pretty lucky.

I am glad my dating days are over. I had a lot of fun and great meaningful relationships but when you settle down it’s easier to focus on other areas of your life for me it is anyway.

How is the dating life in Toronto?

Toronto is a great city for restaurants, shopping, art, and live entertainment. It is definitely a great place to be young and dating.

I want to know something challenging you have been through. How did you deal with it?

The sudden death of my mother and a few short years later the sudden death of my father. Those experiences changed me forever, as it does for most people. I researched and even wrote a small book on grief to help myself get thru the loss in as healthy a way as possible.

Going through that is what led me to this different life today. I needed new challenges and needed to connect with nature, art, and simpler things.

What does women empowerment mean to you? Is it a buzz word or are things moving in the right direction?

I think women have been empowered for a long time, certainly where I grew up. I could do and be anything I set my mind to. I have never felt held back at any time, there can be difficult people at times who try to hold you back but that will always be the case just move on.

Hopefully, all women in the world will feel this freedom to live the life of their choosing one day.

Finally, I want to know some of your favorite stuff?

Favorite City: Banff

Favorite Book: Kite Runner

Favorite Actor: Robin Williams

Brad Pitt or Leonardo de Caprio: Sam Elliot please lol

Favorite Meal: Spaghetti

Favorite Wine: Chianti

The idea of a romantic date: Country house, dinner, and wine by the fire, the storm outside

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Tiv Perfume recently launched a campaign called the Love Yourself Challenge, which is all about empowering women to love themselves, be all they can be and lead their best lives. The seven-step challenge encourages women to invest in their emotional wellbeing through self-love, and by giving themselves permission to have the things they want and deserve in life. I pose some questions to Cynthia who founded the firm and talks about women empowerment.

Cynthia, please tell me a little about yourself?

I’ve been in the fashion and beauty industry all my professional life as a model and then, at the age of 25, I became fashion coordinator at Kaufmann’s Department Store in Pittsburgh, my hometown. Kaufmann’s was the flagship store in the May Department Stores retail chain, now Macy’s.  Since that time, I was promoted to Fashion Director at the May Company Department stores in Cleveland.  From Cleveland, I moved to New York to become Director of Fashion and Beauty Marketing at Essence Magazine. I was recruited from Essence to the headquarters of Estee Lauder in Manhattan as a marketing director in the fragrance division.  After a number of years with Estee Lauder Company, I embraced my entrepreneurial spirit and developed my own fragrance line, Tiv … The Designer Fragrance of the Caribbean.

Let’s talk about Tiv Perfume. I have heard of French, Italian and Swiss perfumes. Never from the Caribbean. So, what is unique about your perfume and why should women buy it?

I moved to the Caribbean to create Tiv in its own environment.  While there were a number of local fragrances on many of the islands, there was no designer fragrance that represented the beauty, sunshine and exotic scents of the Caribbean.  For me, there was a simple solution.  Creating Tiv was the natural thing to do.  Tiv was successfully launched in the Bahamas and became a favorite with tourists from all over the world, as well as the locals.

Help me understand what is the Love Yourself Challenge all about and how does this empower women?

The Love Yourself Challenge is about empowering women to love themselves in the most profound way…by leading their best life. It’s about encouraging women to have confidence, strength, self-love, self-worth, and feel beautiful… to be successful in life, to LOVE their life. To live their dreams and achieve their goals, and not give them up to make sacrifices for others, as we women often do (for our families, kids, husbands, etc). As we get older, we let our dreams fade, and we give up on our joy. And as we fall out of love with our lives, we lose the motivation to care for ourselves. We’re so busy and stressed that we stop looking after our health and our emotional wellbeing.

We want to make sure women everywhere know it’s okay to look out for themselves and focus on self-love, that they have the power to turn their life around and start truly LOVING their life, and loving themselves. Because that’s the most critical aspect of your life… We aren’t truly whole or happy unless we love ourselves fully.

Walk me through the seven-step process?

The seven steps of the Love Yourself Challenge focus on:

1. It’s time to live your dreams and start doing the things you’ve ALWAYS wanted to do. Before, it’s too late.
2. Use affirmations instead of negative self-talk. We criticize ourselves every day, thinking things and saying things when we look in the mirror that we would NEVER say to a loved one. So why are we saying them to ourselves?!
3. Make rest and relaxation a necessity in your life, and learn how to figure out your most productive times during the day. It is critical we rest during our natural “down-times”, and not only for our health but in order to be our happiest and most successful.
4. Learn the importance of building quality relationships with friends that inspire you and encourage you to be the best person you can be. Remember, you directly reflect the people you hand out with the most.
5. How to start loving keeping your body healthy and fit. If you don’t love exercise, you’re not doing the right type of exercise for you!
6. Achieving your goals is the key to leading a fulfilling life. But your goals and dreams will never become a reality if you don’t get clear on what EXACTLY you want to achieve, map them out, break them down into steps, and start taking action.
7. How to find a creative practice. Giving yourself permission to take the time to be joyfully creative is one of the most profound ways to love yourself.

Why did you launch this challenge? Is it more a marketing gimmick or sincerely helping women?

The reason we launched the Love Yourself Challenge is because, as women, we know what women struggle with the most, and we wanted to do something that had the potential to truly change women’s lives. Something truly, deeply meaningful. Something that would make a profound impact on women across the nation, even around the globe, if we can spread our challenge wide enough. The Love Yourself Challenge aims to help women from all walks of life and all aspects of the struggle, to live the life they deserve. To live happily, healthily, and meaningfully. To love their bodies and their reflection. And to live their dreams.

Our only dream for the Love Yourself Challenge is that any woman who has found value and impact from the challenge share it with their friends and family, to help us change as many women’s lives as possible, on the largest scale we can.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Women empowerment, to us, means encouraging women to be leaders in their lives. To be in the driver’s seat of your own joy, your own success, your own body, your own voice, your own path.

Young women all over the world want to make a career in the beauty and cosmetics industry. Please give me a couple of tips?

Like any other career, one must first have a natural affinity … were you in front of the mirror as a youngster, loving fashion magazines instead of comic books, at the mall in the boutiques and cosmetics counters, etc? If one has that innate sense, then it may well be for you. It’s a wonderful, competitive and satisfying industry full of energy and people who love what they are doing.

Please explain where you live, the city, food, restaurants, culture and why should we visit?

Southeast Florida is the perfect place to be outside of Manhattan for anyone interested in fashion, beauty, lifestyle, and sunshine. I live in Delray Beach which 50 years ago was a great beach town. Over the years, it has grown to within inches of its boundaries. But fondly enough, over and above some of the other rival historic beach towns in the area, Delray Beach remains a great beach town… It’s remarkable! The shopping district is alive with eclectic shops, restaurants, boutique hotels, art galleries, live entertainment, and casual culture.

The corporate offices are in Boca Raton, a relatively small city with an international reputation for excellence. It has more corporate headquarters than any other city in the state of Florida. And yet, you’re close enough to the beach to have lunch overlooking the surf and get back to the office.

Share with my audience something challenging you have been through. What did you learn and how did you come out on the other side thriving?

Tiv perfume is The Designer Fragrance of the Caribbean. Therefore, we have always had a Caribbean home. We relocated the company from the Bahamas to the U.S. Virgin Islands 20 years ago. However, when we made the decision to make online sales our first priority, we had to move to the mainland to accommodate the demands of high-speed internet capability, shipping, fulfillment and talent. The first challenge was where to relocate. And we couldn’t be more pleased with the decision to move the company to Boca Raton. The infrastructure, vibrant business community and the people make it the perfect move. But two things were happening – relocating and completing changing our direction from retail to online sales and marketing. We still maintain a marketing and promotional presence in St. Thomas, but all major company activity is in Boca Raton.  We learned that the major challenge in such a major move is research.

I am sure you lead a hectic life. How do food, faith, finance, and family come together for you?

You can imagine the answer to this question is, “It’s a challenge.” First, I try to take advantage of the markets that sell fresh vegetables, fruits, and seafood for meals at home. The area is remarkably business-friendly which is a plus for building a financial future both personally and for the company. My family and old friends are scattered but visit often. As for my faith, I wake up every morning with a prayer to acknowledge the blessings of strength, courage, and good health. Life is good.

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Arooba Najaf is your typical millennial.

International Women’s Day is celebrated on March 8 globally to highlight the economic, social, political, and cultural achievements of women. It is a day for a call to action for accelerating women’s equality.

Aruba is an island in the southern Caribbean Sea. Arooba Najaf calls herself a #typicalmillennials. She likes being on the move, jumping between tasks, and looking forward to the future possibilities that will come her way.  Arooba Najaf is a visual entrepreneur, social media influencer, blogger, and motivational speaker. I catch up with her about what inspires her to show the beauty of her work.

Arooba, I love your name. Does it mean something?

My name means Congrats in Arabic.

Please tell my audience something important about you.

Something important about me is that I am very passionate about the arts and helping others.

Walk me through the city you live in, the culture, the food scene, and name three good restaurants?

The city I live in is Matawan, New Jersey. The culture in this small town is very diverse, vibrant, and full of life. The town is represented for its sports. We are a close-knit community. What I love about Matawan is the people and stories within the town. We all come from different backgrounds yet our struggles make us close. In the town of Matawan, the food scene is very diverse. There are so many amazing restaurants to taste as well as discover such as Angelos Pizza, Aby’s Mexican Restaurant, and Amravathi Indian Restaurant.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

To, me women empowerment is women having the power to change the world.

In terms of career, what are you doing and what are the future plans?

Right now, I’m a freelancer in the visual content business and a creative entrepreneur. My future plans are honestly uncertain but whatever the future has in store I’m ready for it. Yes, there will be roadblocks and obstacles but life is about taking chances as well as learning.

How has social media impacted your society?

Social media has impacted my society that sometimes what we see isn’t worth it. You have to work hard and hustle. Instagram, for example, shows that you need to travel and be pretty, in reality, it’s an optical illusion.

I have a 15-year-old daughter, what advice would you give her?

To teenagers today, the advice I would give them is to be yourself and don’t get caught up in high school drama. Enjoy, high school but live in the moment, not for the likes but the experience. Because life is full of experiences and memories.

Rapid Fire Questions:

Favorite food:  Chicken Tikka

Favorite dish:   Chicken Biryani

Favorite movie: The Glass Castle

Favorite actor:  Bri Larson

Favorite city:   Los Angeles and San Francisco although I never been

Choose three people you would like to have a meal with. Why? What is one question you would ask them?

The three people I would like to have a meal with would be my grandma, Gary Vee, and Marie Forleo. I would ask them what inspires them to keep going and to motivate others.

If you were chosen to go to Mars. What five things would you take with you?

The five things I would take to Mars would be my camera, photos of my family, tons of food, sunglasses, and Polaroid.

If you had a choice which century would you prefer to live and why?

The century I would love to live in would be the 60s. I love the fashion during that time and the vintage feels from that century. I know I’m a bit old school but I love this century for being bright yet full of colors. I learned a lot about it through the show Mad Men.

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Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

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Stuck means you are in a situation that is unfortunate that you cannot get out of. Unstuck is the process and framework of getting out of that unfortunate situation.

The synonyms for stuck include: frozen, jammed, lodged, set, tight, wedged, and snug. There are certain words attached to stuck: bonded, cemented, glued, embedded, entrenched, immovable, and unyielding. You see where I am going.

It is a new year. We do not have to be stuck to old ideas, concepts, ways of doing things, and mindsets. These are literally harming you.

Getting unstuck is the answer. Become intentional and find ways and solutions to barriers that are holding you back.

I talk to Cheryl Patterson who holds a B.A. in Psychology from the University of Waterloo, in addition to an applied background in both counseling and business.

Her passion to help others led her from the daunting anticipation of doing it from a desk to being able to have more freedom and more of an impact as a freelance writer and magazine columnist for more than twenty years. She has inspired thousands of people with her health and well-being articles and columns in national and international magazines and continues to do so in her own publication.

Cheryl also continues to inspire people internationally with her podcast and book.

Cheryl shares her most vulnerable feelings and experiences in this interview.

Cheryl, welcome to FourColumns. I find writing cathartic. What drew you to writing?

Writing has always been a passion for me, originally as a way to express myself as a child, and later to also teach what I learn. I used to carry a book around with me in my 20’s to jot down ideas as I thought of them. I think one of my first ideas that randomly came to mind was about the stepping stones of life, and how our experiences were a step leading us to the next one.

I’ve also always wanted to help people. At first, I thought I wanted to do it through counseling, and got my B.A. in Psychology and counseling diploma. However, I realized that I could have just as much (if not more) impact through writing.

We all get stuck in life. Marriage with no romance or life, dead-end job, cynical family, toxic friends, and emotionally burned. How does your podcast deal with and talk about these issues?

The podcast, Unstuck: Stay Busy or Get Real, deals with all of these issues because they all come from core areas that we can pay attention to and begin to modify in simple ways in order to progress forward.

For instance, our self-worth can impact all of these areas we can get stuck in. If you’re struggling with low self-worth, how do you attract people in your life that will treat you like you deserve to be treated, or strive for the job you really want?

Once you realize some of the areas keeping you stuck, you can begin to make changes to improve them. The podcast provides insight into areas that can impact your personal or professional success and provides suggestions for actions that can help you get unstuck and move forward. This can be general life challenges, or ones that seem to come out of know where, or even periodically, like the holidays – a difficult time for a lot of people.

Do not get me started about the holidays. We create the perfect cards, the perfect ads on TV, the perfect romance, the perfect snowfall. Talk about this pressure and how to deal with it?

Like most stressful experiences, once you realize it’s taking its toll, then you can begin tweaking things to create improvements for the better.

Sometimes we do these holiday things in the guise of happiness, but if it’s not making you happy, take some time to think about why. Make a list of what’s making you happy, and what’s not. Share some of the responsibilities that someone else might not mind doing so that you can do more of what you enjoy. Pay attention to your wants and needs and make sure there’s a balance between this and what you do for others, and focus more on meaning and fulfillment rather than perfection.

For those who are alone or struggling because of loss around this time of year, creating change is your friend. Doing the same things will get you the same results, and feelings… Plan ahead for a different experience. Create new routines and traditions in support of feeling better. For instance, instead of mourning someone, honor them instead. Bake or cook something they used to (or used to like) as a special gesture to them. The ideas are endless. Just make it special and positive to create a new experience moving forward. I’ve been here and this is what helped me.

As I get older, my friends, career, family, and direction are all aligned with my goals and value. I also had to dig deep and see where I get my identity from. I was stuck in certain areas of how I thought. If we do not deal with it we get worried, stressed, ashamed, and feel unwanted. You deal with these issues in the book. Walk me through it?

Put simply, to be happy in life, in any area, we have to be real with ourselves, regarding what needs are being met from all of these areas you mentioned (relationships, career, goals, etc.), and which ones aren’t, and this comes from within.

It can be easy to blame the outside world regarding why things aren’t working, but this just keeps us stuck. It’s important to pay attention to things like how you’re feeling, what’s nagging at you, possible triggers, and possible things about yourself that may be holding you back.

Any struggle you experience is tied to your emotions (your subconscious), which inhibits your progress. We want to stay safe, even without realizing it, and even if it means we’re in pain or struggle because it’s what’s familiar and easy. To get unstuck, and get to where you want to go or to be the person you desire to be, means you have to be honest with yourself.

Do you have hidden shame, feel poorly about yourself (in spite of the brave front you present to the world), engage in the same scenarios over and over? This is all potential learning, letting you know that you have an opportunity for growth that can get you closer to your ideal self and experiences.

The more we learn about ourselves, our struggles and patterns, and why they’re there, the more we can live more in alignment with a happier and more fulfilling life. It opens us up to healthier relationships, achieves our goals, and makes living a more fulfilled life attainable.

The alternative is to keep things the same – to stay in emotional turmoil (i.e. shame, guilt, fear, worry, doubt, feeling poorly about yourself, etc.) – which will result in the same chaotic outcomes, and lead to poor health. You can’t be stressed and healthy simultaneously because your immune system is suppressed and your body is fighting a toxic chemical cocktail in this state.

My book, The Little Black Book For Getting Unstuck, provides some quick, simple, and straightforward ways that you can get unstuck, and live more in alignment with your ideal self and life. And I don’t just tell, I put myself out there too, and get vulnerable, and share some of my own obstacles that I’ve had to overcome in my life since childhood. Not pretty, but necessary.

Many of my readers are stuck. Give them hope for 2022?

I came from an unstable family, with parents that had no idea about how to deal with conflict, other than alcohol, violence, chaos, and breakups. Most of my childhood was spent in and out of foster care. Fortunately, I was one of the fortunate ones because of some of the people I met that helped me feel loved and worthy enough to require more from myself than to become the negative things I saw.

Thankfully, I’ve also always had a mind of my own, and although my past created many obstacles for me to overcome, such as low self-worth (something that took me a lifetime to realize was even an issue), shame, fear, doubt, I pushed through. If I ran into situations I wanted to overcome, I learned about how to improve them, and I still do. I’ve been passionate about putting every lesson, tool, story, or experience into practice to become the person I want to be, living the life I want to live. It hasn’t always been easy for me, but perseverance and learning have been everything. Learning really has been powerful for me because it enables growth and success.

If I could give you one tip for 2022, it would be to carve out 10-15 minutes a day to learn something that will improve your situation. The most impactful learning will be about yourself, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as learning about a few practices you can add to your day to help you stay accountable for whatever goal you’re striving for, or to help you maintain self-confidence in an area you’re struggling with or ways to feel better. Think about an area that you’re struggling with and start from there. And never give up.

I have a morning ritual that starts with things that keep me feeling peaceful and happy (an open vs. closed state for achieving daily tasks/goals), even on those days, it feels challenging. Meditation, journaling (including gratitude), and learning are three staples that are as important as brushing my teeth. Think about a little ritual you can create for yourself to set the pace for your day, inspire and keep you feeling balanced, and act as a buffer and a preventative for those days you feel off.

The post Getting Unstuck: How To Become Happier appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Intimacy is derived from the Latin word ‘intimus,’ which means ‘inner’ or ‘innermost.’ Intimacy is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.’ Dating and marriage are commonly related to intimacy. There is physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Talk to any couple that has had a kid and ask them about their romantic life. You will not get an answer because it does not exist.

I talk to Alicia, a personal development blogger from FemmAllure, about navigating intimacy and motherhood.

Hi Alicia, please tell me something about yourself?

I’m a mom – first and foremost – a personal development blogger and a language coach. I am from beautiful Jamaica! 

I grew up in a deep rural community here in Jamaica, and for a huge part of my life, I lived in poverty as well. Growing up in such an environment really limited my opportunities and exposure in life and crafted a reality of hopelessness for me. 

My views on almost every facet of life were wrong: money, beauty, dating, happiness, friends, relationship, and parenting. You name it.

However, as I grew older and began my self-acceptance and improvement journey, I forced myself to step outside of my comfort zone, to read and ask questions. To challenge my “reality”. I changed my way of thinking, improved my mindset, and today, I am much better for it. 

It’s now my goal: to reach back to other women who have the same struggles that I had and believe the same myths that I did. To show them that, no, your life isn’t set in stone, and that, yes, you can get that job, that husband, that life. You can start that business, have that home, that family. 

You can pull yourself up no matter how difficult the situation may be, so long as you live in a country where you’re free to make choices, have the right mindset, and are willing to work for that better life. Even if you don’t see how today.

I’m Alicia and I help women find happiness by sharing the processes that took me from being that broke and lonely girl in the country to the woman I am today: with a family I adore and a feeling of genuine happiness. A feeling I never thought I could’ve ever had. A feeling I didn’t think I deserved.

Let’s talk about Intimacy. What is it?

When people think about intimacy, they tend to only think about sex. But intimacy runs so much deeper than that. Keep in mind that you can have sex without intimacy and you can have intimacy without sex. This is something I mentioned in my article How To Keep The Intimacy In Your Relationship After Having Kids.

If you Google “intimacy” the very first definition, you’ll see is “a close familiarity and friendship”. 

Intimacy to me is that deep connection and bond you have with your spouse. It is that desire to connect with them on the soul level. It’s when you have a deep desire for the person. Intimacy to me is that feeling you had at the beginning of the relationship. Where all you wanted to do was to be with them, touch them, see them, smell them, taste them. And when you were a part – even just for a little bit – you missed them very much and couldn’t wait to be together again. Intimacy is a soul connection.

How is intimacy expressed in a relationship?

As I’ve mentioned, for the most part, when people think of intimacy, they think of sex. That’s because the easiest, most common, and best way to express intimacy in a relationship is through sexual intercourse.

Intimacy is also expressed through closeness and spending quality time with your partner. And by quality time, I mean alone time. Spending quality alone time with your partner, where there are no distractions – just the two of you getting lost in each other in the moment – is one of the most important ways to express and keep the intimacy in your relationship.

Don’t forget that intimacy is expressed through the little touches throughout the day as well. The little smiles when your heart is full. Little text messages, gifts. Through words of affirmation, gestures of goodwill. It is important to learn what your love language(s) is(are) as well as that of your partner.

Just keep in mind that getting down and dirty is the perfect end to a perfect day.

How is intimacy impacted by motherhood?

There is no denying that once kids come into the picture, intimacy is drastically impacted. You have screaming kids and leaky boobs. You’re constantly running around picking up after tiny people and preventing them from getting hurt. You’re covered in diapers. You feel like you smell like puke, and when you don’t feel like that you feel like you smell like a baby.

And to add insult to injury, you’ve gained weight so you really don’t feel very attractive.  “Let’s get freaky baby! wink wink” will be the last thing on your mind.

And it’s understandable. For the first few months, your partner is very understanding and he supports you. He’s helpful. He constantly reassures you and puts his manly urges to the back of his mind.

But a few months turn into a year, then two and before you know it, the fire in your relationship is all but gone because you’ve allowed yourself to be “understanding” indefinitely. You slowly become roommates and business partners who happen to live together raising kids and occasionally have sex.

But there’s no intimacy. There’s no connection. You love each other. But you’re no longer connected.

How important is intimacy in motherhood really?

What I just mentioned, is dangerous territory. This opens up the door to all kinds of marital problems. Take my partner and me for example. Before we figured out how to bring the intimacy back into our relationship, we’d fight over everything. ALL THE TIME. Fights would last for days sometimes as other fights piled into existing fights.

Our relationship was dying. Why was that? I mean we deeply loved and cared for each other. So how could two people who love each other and couldn’t imagine their life without each other, be so cross with each other?

We were growing apart. The culprit? A lack of intimacy. We were both good to each other. Never cheated. Never lied. But we kept drifting further and further apart. That caused us to lose that connection that made the little things not matter. We were slowly becoming less and less attracted to each other. We were on the road to becoming acquaintances.

Intimacy is like the cream in a sandwich cookie. Technically you could eat the cookie without the cream but it just wouldn’t be the same, would it? Intimacy is what separates a healthy, functioning relationship between two partners from a platonic one. It’s the intimacy that makes the difference. It’s the intimacy that keeps the flames of passion burning in the relationship. It’s the intimacy that makes it more than just friendship. More than just transactional.

A mother has to do so much and on top of that Intimacy. Is it asking for too much?

As a mom of two boys myself, I can completely understand why this thought would come about. It’s hard sometimes. But I can also say this: I do not think it’s “asking too much”. 

Here’s why: Is it asking too much that your partner shows their love and affection towards you? Is it too much to ask that your partner validates you? Is it too much to ask that your partner makes you feel special? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows you that they still value you the way they did in the beginning or that they value you even more now? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows that they still find you ravishingly attractive?

I think not.

My belief is that it’s only too much when the relationship is – or is becoming – toxic. In other words, your partner doesn’t help you AT ALL. You cannot – or don’t – communicate your desires with your partner. Your partner is not taking care of your needs as well. Your partner does not make efforts to show you that you are appreciated. 

If the woman has to do everything and her partner never pitches in to help her out – or even arrange for her to get the help she needs – then comes home expecting or demanding intimacy from his woman is in fact asking too much.

But if he makes the effort, even if he does not get it right all the time, then I do not believe it’s asking too much. Back to the sandwich cookie analogy. Is it too much to ask that a sandwich cookie has delicious cream in the middle? I think not.

Walk me through how important communication is through the whole process?

Without effective communication between both parties, the intimacy is doomed to die and the relationship will suffer drastically. Even fail. Quite frankly, in my eyes, a relationship with no intimacy is a failed one.

The intimacy in my relationship was threatened with the conception of my second child. We were going through a difficult time in our relationship. I had to work long hours to help keep the family afloat while he tried to build his business.

This is a conversation we had and I encouraged him to do it. At first, I thought it was no big deal. That it wouldn’t affect us. But as the work kept piling up, the intimacy kept dwindling. We had no time for the lovey-dovey stuff. When we weren’t both working our butts to the bone, we were raising my eldest. And for me, since he was going full-time on building his business, it meant I had to work and also take care of the home. 

But his feelings towards me didn’t change. I was gaining weight due to the pregnancy but I was even more attractive to him. So he would still want to get intimate with me. What I realized though was that I was subconsciously developing resentment towards him. He was taking too long. I was doing too much. I was burnt out. I couldn’t manage. But I never shared any of this with him. I just expected him to notice.

Here’s what’s wrong with that: it’s toxic. It meant I was expecting him to see the world through my eyes but I was not extending him the same courtesy. It was only when I decided to share my concerns with him that I realized he WAS also over-extending himself. We were both overworked and stressed. Motherhood was exhausting not only to me but also to him. I had completely forgotten about his needs and was only consumed with my exhaustion.

What fixed it? It was a chat with a girlfriend of mine that put things into perspective for me. She asked me “what did he say when you explained all this to him?” Right then and there, it hit me like a brick to the face: I didn’t. Here is how to communicate this with your partner:

Before you start the conversation, commit to listening attentively without interrupting or getting triggered and ask that he does the same.

Communicate with an open heart

Let go of any resentment

Let go of any expectations that you believe he should have met

Assume he doesn’t know or that he doesn’t understand (because sadly, men are often quite clueless).

Be open to his criticisms

Allow him to be open about his concerns too

Remember your partner has needs too

Remember that you are not communicating to solve your needs. You are communicating to solve both your needs.

Do not accuse or blame each other

This allows you to be completely present in the conversation. It allows you to be open with your partner. It allows you to identify any other weaknesses that may be interfering. It allows you to come to a common, mutually beneficial solution.

Is there a balance?

Yes. There is a balance but that balance can only be achieved through open communication and willing hearts. Both parties will have to meet each other halfway no matter how difficult it may seem at first. 

It is not possible for me to say what the exact balance is because every relationship dynamic is different. Let’s say a couple used to have intimate time together every day before kids and now that’s nonexistent or it has been reduced to once a week. 

So you schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly date nights. That might be an okay balance for some couples but for others, it might not be. There is no one-size-fits-all. You have to evaluate your unique relationship dynamic, communicate openly and honestly with your partner, so you can find the balance that works for you.

Not what works for someone else. What works for YOU.  What you should pay attention to though is if the relationship is struggling or the connection between the two of you feels as though it’s waning. Because if that’s the case, it means the balance hasn’t been struck.

Can a mother be empowered through intimacy with her partner?

A mother can most definitely be empowered through intimacy with her partner. It is empowering to know that you are still desired. That you are still the most beautiful woman in his world. That above all else, he wants to share that part of himself with you and only you.

For me, one of the most empowering feelings is when I get dressed up in something extra special and extra sexy for him. Then I see him take notice or he can’t keep his hands off me. It’s empowering for me to know that I am the one who fulfills that primal need for him.

What are some unrealistic expectations both parties need to let go of?

Expecting your partner to just know or expecting it to be “obvious to them”

Expecting your partner to always take the intuitive

Expecting your partner to suppress their needs

Expecting your partner to fulfill your needs without reciprocating

Expecting your partner to always be ready all the time

Expecting things to be the same as it was before you had kids

These are some unrealistic expectations that are pretty common in relationships as it relates to intimacy post-having kids. However, these expectations are not only toxic, but they are also dangerous and can be damaging to your bond and the relationship as a whole. 

Harboring these kinds of expectations is a sure way for resentment to be fostered because these expectations cannot be met 100% of the time. If they are met at all, it will be very rare and require your partner to overextend themselves. That is not healthy as it stretches the person too thin. They are bound to snap at some point and that is making a bed for bitter arguments.

Give me some practical advice on how mothers can enhance intimacy in their relationships?

Mindset

If you are serious about making changes in your life, you must first start with your mind. This is no less true when it comes to building or strengthening the intimacy in your relationship.

You must change the way you view intimacy in the relationship. As I’ve mentioned before, when we think of intimacy, we tend to think of sexual intercourse but you must change that view and recognize that intimacy goes so much deeper.

You must also retrain your brain and refrain from thinking of intimacy as a chore. If you view intimacy as the truest expression of your love for your partner, then you are much more likely to be present in each moment.

It starts with you (spend time alone)

Kids in the picture mean hardly enough time to spend time together as a couple! So naturally, it means alone time is almost impossible. I’ve explored that concept on my blog but trust me when I say this, intimacy starts with you. 

You NEED to spend time reconnecting with yourself if you ever hope to be truly present with your partner. Alone time also helps you to think of ways you can promote intimacy in your relationship. Alone time helps you to reconnect with the foxy vixen inside you. 

Build your confidence back

I actually wrote an article on building your body confidence back after having a kid. Because the reality is that, once we have kids our body changes. Because our body changes, it creates insecurities. These insecurities affect our ability to connect and be intimate with our partners.

If you want to build intimacy in your relationship but you struggle with body image issues, you have to work on improving that first. You can’t bury it and you cannot ignore it. You must face the beast head-on. 

Once you’ve conquered it, you’ll be much more able to appreciate yourself. Your experiences won’t be clouded by insecurities and you’ll be much more willing to express your sensuality with your partner. And enjoy it!

Communicate with your partner

Every healthy, functioning relationship is fueled by effective communication. You must learn to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You must be willing to deal with the tough conversations so you can strengthen the bond with the one you love. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

No, he’s not “supposed to know”. No, it’s not “obvious”. You’re supposed to tell him. You’re supposed to be open and honest about your feelings, wants, and desires. 

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the way you do. Don’t expect your partner to understand or perceive the world the way you do. Release yourself of those toxic expectations so you can openly communicate with your partner.

You shouldn’t be afraid to lovingly communicate with your partner because you deserve intimacy in your relationship just as much as he craves it. And why wouldn’t you? It makes for a much healthier, happier, and stronger relationship.

Take the initiative (set the mood)

Don’t always rely on your partner to take the initiative. It truly does make a man feel valued and appreciated when he is pursued sometimes. Naturally, as with everything, there is a balance to be maintained because you still want to let him feel as if his primal need to be a hunter is being met.

What you can do is drop subtle hints. Leave him a love note. Send him a dirty text. Wear something revealing for him around the house. Give him a peep show when the kids aren’t looking.

Remember intercourse is only one expression of intimacy but that connection can be greatly enhanced if you include these little things in your daily routine. Intimacy is about the little moments that lead up to the big moment, so take the initiative to create those little moments sometimes. It will go a long way.

The post Navigating Intimacy & Motherhood appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is self-care? Self-care is the intentional and concerned process of taking care of and improving your mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health with a balanced lifestyle. During this pandemic, it can be stressful and self-care is important. I strongly recommend that you eat well, sleep 8 hrs a day, maintain your social network, exercise, take care of your spiritual needs, have financial security and focus on the end of the tunnel.

Self-care is taking care of yourself and it is very important.

I have gone to the gym and eaten healthily for most of my life. I have taken care of my finances. These are examples of self-care. One area I was neglecting was my emotional self-care. I volunteered as a financial counselor, helped many friends go through a divorce and their own emotional challenges. I neglected boundaries and realized my gifts are not in the area of counseling and giving emotional support. I was burned out and it was impacting my marriage and parenting.

We can embrace busyness because that is the status symbol. We try to be busy so that we can feel important. I have learned to say NO to a lot of volunteer and other positions offered to me. I had to have a holistic approach to life.

The moment we align our goals, values, and ethos with our job, friends, charitable giving, and the various organizations that we are part of, cognitive dissonance disappears. We are happy. We live a purpose-driven life. Everything makes sense.

Over the next couple of weeks, this is what I want you to do. The job you have. Do you love it? Are you passionate about it? Does it work with your core competence and skillsets? The friends you have. Are they toxic? Do you hang out with them because of your own insecurity? Are they taking you to where you want to go in life? What about where you live, where you worship, and other organizations that you are part of?

I am asking you to take an inventory of where you are at. We get so caught up in financial net worth that we forget about our emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual worth? What is your identity?

It is 2022. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Josie D is the creator behind The Cheetah Buzz, a unique lifestyle blog on fashion, beauty, and travel. I catch up with her and talk about personal style, beauty trends, and self-care.

Josie, I am excited to talk to you about fashion, travel, and beauty. I want to know something about you?

Thank you so much for interviewing little ole’ me. I feel so humbled and blessed for this opportunity! One thing about me is that I was born in Accra, Ghana and I came to the United States when I was 6 ½ years old. I believe it will be about 22 years since I’ve been living in the States. I’m also a big fan of yellow cake and anything sweet!

I like The Cheetah Buzz. How did the name come about?

Thank you so much! During my freshman year of college, while I was chilling in my friend’s dorm room, her roommate busted in and told me I looked like a cheetah when I smiled lol. I thought it was really funny and it just stuck in my head. In 2017, when I started a portfolio of my pictures on Instagram, I named it The Cheetah Buzz and that snowballed over to the name of my blog!

I want to know how does one find our own personal style and not get caught following the crowd?

One thing I always stress is figuring out what colors you like to see yourself in, from there, you can build and figure out what textures and fabrics to gravitate towards. My recent blog post about finding your personal style touches more about this topic. To stand out from the crowd, it’s also important to not follow trends as they come and go, but instead be comfortable in doing your own thing. Let people copy off of your style not you copy of off theirs. Be a trendsetter!

Give women some tips on how they can dress better?

One way to learn how to dress better is to download fashion apps like the Combyne app and the Closet Love app. These apps will help you create and style different outfits so you can see which shirts, jeans, shoes, and accessories pair well together.  Once you do that, then you can implement some of those ideas into your own closet and see what pairs well together there. Another tip is to pick one accessory such as a pair of shoes or a silver necklace and create a look around that one item. You can turn this into a fun challenge!

My daughter is 16. What are some self-care drug store products she must own?

When I was 16, I wish I had the Clean & Clear Day & Night Face Wash 2 Pack to keep the pimples away. This product is both oil-free and hypoallergenic. Also, at this age, I was experimenting with lots of makeup, so the Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Wipes and the Lypsyl Lip Balm always came in handy. The wipes removed all of my makeup and the lip balm kept my lips super moisturized.

What are the beauty trends for 2021?

I’m not really sure what the beauty trends for 2021 will be as 2020 has been a stay at home look for a lot of people due to the lockdown. But what I’m hoping is less is more and loving the skin you’re in will be the beauty trend for women in 2021. Based on what I see on social media, fashion runways, and in music videos, it looks like lip glosses, defined eyebrows, colorful makeup, bejeweled eyes, and big lashes are staying strong; so maybe they might roll over into 2021.

Self-care, Self-love is not selfish. Please comment?

If something or outside forces are hurting your mental health and overall wellbeing, it’s definitely not selfish to put yourself first and treat yourself back to health. What good are you to others or to society if you don’t take good care of yourself or even love yourself? When you take care of yourself first, then you’ll be more productive in helping others, and that for sure is not selfish.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you and what is it not?

Women’s empowerment is uplifting and fixing another woman’s crown when you see it tilt. This can refer to a lot of things. When you see, hear or read that another woman is going through some hard times or is feeling weak, reach out and lend an ear to them and let her know that you got her back and you are there to listen.

Woman empowerment is speaking out on issues that are hurting or will cause a problem for other women in the community. Woman empowerment does not mean bringing other women down so you can make yourself feel better. It’s also not being envious of other woman’s achievements or successes just because you are not successful yourself. I like to be in the mindset of when one woman is successful at something, we (women as a whole) are all successful too.

Talk to me a little bit about Ghana. I want to know about its vibrant culture and food scene?

Ghana is a beautiful country. I recently traveled to my hometown of Accra, Ghana back in 2018. My sister and I stayed in a local city called Agbogba. The streets were filled with tons of cars, buses, taxis, and lots of vendors trying to sell people things. There were tons of palm trees nearby and the sand was like a beautiful dark, orange-brown color. The houses were big and beautifully made with their own personalities. People were always smiling and happy about life. It’s definitely a great place to retire lol.

The locals spoke a lot of different languages including Ga, Twi, Ewe, and English of course. I believe the food was the best part of Ghana. You had a wide variety of savory foods to choose from like fufu with palm nut stew, banku with okra stew and crab, jollof rice with lots of goat meat, and kenkey with shito and fried fish, among many others.

I was never a people pleaser. I sleep better. You talk a lot about how people-pleasing can be destructive. Walk me through how it can be harmful?

Lol lucky you! Yes, I have always been a people pleaser since I was little. I think it was just embedded in me to be that way as a child. I was always taught to follow orders and help people out whether I wanted to or not. If I didn’t and told someone no, the guilt I would feel almost made doing the thing for that person better than the feeling of telling them no.

As a people pleaser, it hurt my personal self-care because I always put others’ needs before my own which made me rely upon and put my trust in people. And then when people would disappoint me, the hurt cut through me more than anything — and that is the destructive part about it. Now as a recovering people pleaser, I know I cannot put my trust in others anymore and I cannot be afraid to say no especially if hinders my mental health or overall wellbeing.

I love the fact that you talk about positive affirmation. Share a little about that?

Positive affirmations are so powerful! When you recite positive affirmations, the words can shift your perspective on how you see yourself. Though your circumstances or surroundings may be poor, if you tell yourself I am rich every day, you will start to believe that and that can manifest into you finding ways to become rich or make you look at different parts of your life in a positive way and know that you are rich in other ways: you are rich in health, rich in life, and rich because you have a family that loves you and so forth. Positive affirmations can make a world of difference.

The post Self Care: Taking Care of Yourself appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

January is here, which means you’ve likely set a New Years’ resolution! for your health goals. It is important to have holistic goals, where you in are sync emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically, and financially.

2020 and 2021 were not easy. However, I am going to leave you with this

Mallory Aldred is a Registered Holistic Nutritionist who provides an individually tailored, non-diet approach to whole-body wellness where she offers a variety of programs centered around real-time education, teamwork, and accountability. She gives a few helpful strategies to stick to your 2022 health objectives and goals.

Is one of your health goals to lose weight?

Is one of your health goals to start packing your lunches?

How about becoming more active?

If so, well done! Here are a few helpful strategies I provide my nutrition clients that may help you stick to your 2020  health goals:

Start small and realistic. Oftentimes, we set goals that are extremely overwhelming which can make it difficult to get started. Instead of promising yourself, you’ll lose 50 pounds this year, focus on dropping 5 pounds for the month of February.

Find an accountability buddy. Having support, whether it be a friend, family member, or professional coach can be super motivating. Aim for daily or weekly check-ins to keep yourself on track. It’s important to ask for help as many of us are unable to get to where we want on our own.

Create space for setbacks. It’s unrealistic to think you’ll go from A to Z overnight. View setbacks as progress towards achieving your goals and use them as motivation rather than defeat. Your “failures” are simply providing you information about what works and what doesn’t.

Finally, don’t expect a quick fix. We are all built differently and have our own unique timelines. Comparing yourself to others can often cause unnecessary disappointment. Be patient, gentle to yourself, and never give up.

If you are looking for professional health and wellness support, you can contact her at malloryaldred@gmail.com

The post 4 Strategies to Achieve Your Health Goals appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.