Are you having twins and do not know what to expect? What are the symptoms of having twins? Is having twins genetic? Can you have a baby before or after twins? Can one have twins but no family history? What is the checklist for having twins?

These were some of the questions racing through my mind when Debbie told me she was pregnant. Her mother was a twin. I automatically thought we were having twins.

Four Columns has covered motherhood from different angles. From intimacy, marriage, stay-at-home mom jobs, corporate moms, single moms, Millennial moms, to financially prepare yourself to become a mom.

Having twins is a different ball game.

I talk to Nicole from The Way It Really Is, who had twins, and talks about the whole process and what you need and what to expect.

Nicole, welcome to Four Columns. I want to know a little about you?

I’m a mom of 3-½-year-old twin boys and a 5-year-old boy. It’s a busy house and I’m still adapting to being a boy mom. I joke that I’m an overeducated stay-at-home mom. I have my Master’s Degree in Education and my Education Specialist Degree in School Psychology. I was a School Psychologist for 7 years before leaving my career to become a stay-at-home mom for my oldest who was 1-year-old at the time. I live in a suburb of the Twin Cities in Minnesota with my 3 boys and wonderful husband. In the fall of 2020 I started my blog, The Way it Really Is, as an outlet, a hobby, and a way to help others. Since then, I’ve written over 100 blog posts and have just recently become an LLC.

My mother-in-law is a twin so I thought we would have twins. Talk to me about being the mother of twins?

When I was younger, I always thought it’d be neat to have boy/girl fraternal twins so then I could just go through one pregnancy and be done, as I had always envisioned having a boy and a girl. Fast forward to 2018 when we found out I was carrying identical twins who share a placenta and were quite a high risk, after already having a 1-year-old at home at the time, we were quite stunned! Identical twins are completely random, so we didn’t have an inkling we’d have twins. As I’ve detailed in my blog, my twin pregnancy was full of biweekly ultrasounds and other tests which resulted in long appointments, a lot of anxiety about the very real possibility of both twins not surviving, and postpartum depression that I’ll touch on later. The first year of parenting twins plus a 2-year-old was complete survival mode for us all.

I do have to say though, now that we’re out of survival mode, it’s pretty cool to have identical twins. It’s really cute to see them play together, hug each other, and sometimes even gang up on their big brother together. Sure, there are many times where they argue, physically fight, and I feel like I’m a referee between the 3 boys, but I’m finding the joy of having twins more often lately.

Even though my twins share the same DNA, they are quite different. As a former psychologist I often want to do experiments on them, but…I restrain myself from doing so. Ha-ha! It’s neat to see the things they do that are similar and how they are both so different at the same time.

A mother just found out she is having twins. Walk me through the process that the couple needs to go through?

The first step is to find out the type of twins. Fraternal twins and DiDi twins, both with separate amniotic sacs and separate placentas, don’t need as much monitoring as MoDi twins, as I have, that share a placenta. There are also MoMo twins which are very rare and more high risk than MoDi twins because they share a placenta and an amniotic sac.

If one finds out they are having MoDi or MoMo twins, they need to be referred by their OB to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine (MFM) or Perinatal Physician who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. Many OBs aren’t aware of this. Luckily I knew my OB from my first pregnancy and being the researcher I am, once I found out online that I needed to be seen by a specialist starting no later than 16 weeks, I requested that referral at my 13-week appointment with my OB. He was hesitant but I was very insistent. When I called to make my first appointment, the Perinatal Physician wanted to see me already at 14 weeks so I was very glad I called when I did!

Once she knows the type of twins and whether you need to be seen by a specialist or not, the mother needs to make sure she listens to her body for anything that may seem “off”. Even little oddities can be an indicator of conditions such as Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) that can occur with MoDi or MoMo twins when the babies aren’t sharing the placenta well, which can mean needing surgery while the babies are still in the mother’s tummy. It’s rare, but it can happen. There are other things to watch out for as well so be sure to do your research on possible complications and what to watch out for, as well as asking your doctors any questions you have throughout pregnancy.

Had I not listened to my ‘mama gut’ when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my twins, the three of us wouldn’t be alive today. Though I had been fine two days prior to my specialist appointment, I developed slight vision changes and high blood pressure that evening. Even though I was exhausted, it was 9 pm on a Saturday night, and I just wanted to go to bed, I called the Perinatal Physicians after-hours line and the doctor told me to head to the hospital. I’m so glad that I did. I ended up having to deliver the babies just a few hours later via emergency c-section under general anesthesia due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. My platelets were so low that they couldn’t even do a spinal because I would have bled out, which is why I had to be put under. I think much too often what would have happened had we not asked our neighbor to stay with our 2-year-old while he was sleeping and head downtown to the hospital.

After finding out what type of twins she’s carrying, and listening to her ‘mama gut’ throughout pregnancy, she should start preparing her baby registry. I’ve written quite a few blog posts regarding what we actually used for our twins.

I am sure it was different having the first and then having twins. How is life different from having twins in terms of sleep, lifestyle, finances, and essentials?

It was different for sure! Our oldest child didn’t sleep through the night until he was 18 months old which was right around when we started trying for another baby and I ended up pregnant with twins. So…I basically didn’t sleep much for about 5 years between pregnancy discomfort overnight and babies not sleeping. I’m extremely lucky and grateful for my husband who, though he is the current breadwinner of the family, woke up with the twins to feed them bottles while I attempted to sleep between exclusively pumping for them and being woken up by them because we lived in a relatively small house the first 6 months of their lives.

With the twins, keeping them on the same schedule as much as possible is essential, even when it comes to feeding overnight. In the early days, if one baby wakes up, it’s best to wake the other one as well, otherwise, they’ll wake up for milk the second your head hits the pillow. I ended up having to exclusively pump because they had tongue and lip ties that were later diagnosed and corrected but by then we were in enough of a routine I just kept with the pumping.

In terms of lifestyle, it takes a lot more planning between leaving the house with just one baby or two, plus an older child. One of the twins had two medical appointments a week for a couple of months and then biweekly medical appointments. As a stay-at-home mom, I took all 3 kids by myself to these appointments, in the cold and snowy Minnesota winter, while I often had to pump on the way to the appointments while driving. I don’t recommend this but I’m also not the only one who has done it and again, I was in survival mode. My whole existence that first year especially was changing their diapers, pumping, feeding them bottles, getting them down for a nap, hoping to have a bit of time to use the bathroom and maybe grab something quick to eat, getting my 2-year-old something to eat, spending a bit of time with him, and then doing it all over again.

In terms of finances, had I not been a stay-at-home mom already, I would have had to become one quick. Where we live, daycare for all 3 of our boys under 3 would have been about twice what my net salary was as a school psychologist. There is no way we could have made it work even if we wanted to.

Twins require double the stuff, especially big baby equipment when they’re little. Twins also require twice the diapers to buy and change, twice the bottles to pump and wash, twice the babies to feed and burp, twice the clothes to clean, and twice babies to beg to take their nap or go down for the night. We of course did need to buy additional supplies such as another infant car seat, a stroller that could hold two car seats, and start two college funds, on top of the one for our oldest. We also moved to a bigger house further away from the Twin Cities when the twins were about 6 months old, a move we probably wouldn’t have made if we had just two kids total but with three total we felt we had to (and are SO glad we did).

Postpartum depression is real. What is it? How can mothers be ready for it and deal with it better?

With my background in psychology, I am still surprised how long I was in denial that I indeed had postpartum depression(PPD). I kept thinking I was just overwhelmed, having newborn twins and a toddler, and being home alone with them for 10 hours a day. I didn’t have PPD after my first child and it wasn’t until I was 7 months postpartum after having the twins that the realization hit me. We had moved into a new house which I felt would solve so many problems and make me happy, but I wasn’t happy. Instead, I started yelling at my children, which is not like me at all, resorting to self-injurious behaviors, and having suicidal thoughts that wouldn’t leave my brain. Only then I finally admit to myself, and my husband, that I needed help. I finally started seeing a therapist weekly, and six months into therapy, I started seeing a psychiatrist and began taking an antidepressant.

As expectant mothers, some of us are told about baby blues, which can last up to two weeks, and postpartum depression, but it often isn’t explained to us that it doesn’t always look like traditional depression. I had major depression as a teen and the way I felt with PPD has some similarities but also is very different. Postpartum depression can manifest in feeling that one isn’t a fit mother, that the baby would be better without the mother, not feeling attached to the baby, and/or not having the energy or drive to do anything. It can also result in anxiety attacks, self-injurious behaviors, suicidal ideation, intense irritability and anger, and a diminished ability to think clearly, among other things. Though postpartum depression is technically defined as occurring within the first year after having a child, it doesn’t always go away at that point. I’m still dealing with it and my twins are 3-½, and now it’s just considered major depression.

If a mother, or anyone, starts to notice they aren’t quite themselves anymore, are overwhelmed, overly angry, depressed, or suicidal, reach out NOW. Don’t wait for it to get worse, get help as soon as you can. Therapy is a great start and you can find a therapist near you who specializes in postpartum depression or a myriad of other conditions by going to https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. These days, many therapists offer teletherapy so you don’t need to worry about childcare for your baby, you could schedule it during their nap. There is no shame in admitting something just isn’t right. There is no shame in getting help. You deserve to feel better and a therapist can help you develop the tools and get back to enjoying life and your little one!!

How did motherhood change you? What did you learn from it? What advice do you have for new mothers?

Especially with my background, I thought I’d be a perfect parent…before I was a parent. Even with my first child we did everything by the book and took into account all of my training in child psychology when it came to raising him the first two years. When the twins came along though…I realized there was no book for that. It was going to be chaotic. I had to let go of my preconceived notions of my kids behaving perfectly, being a perfect mother, being a perfect wife, because it just was too much pressure and quite frankly, wasn’t going to happen.

As mothers, especially these days, we are all told a hundred different ways we should be raising our children by a hundred different people, who all think their way is the ONLY acceptable way to parent. We are led to believe that if our kids don’t eat only organic food, aren’t exclusively breastfed until at least age one, and so forth, we have failed as a mother. This. Isn’t. True. That is why I named my blog The Way it Really Is because I want to show the reality of motherhood, especially motherhood with twins + 1. Motherhood isn’t perfect. It isn’t what you see on everyone’s Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest where they only show the highlight reel of their lives. It’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, it’s often chaotic. Motherhood really is getting peed on while changing diapers, hoping you can make it through just one more meeting during the workday without your boobs leaking through your shirt, and having to physically position yourself between your children like a referee so they stop attacking each other. Several times a day.

My biggest piece of advice is to remember that everything is just a phase and soon enough it’ll change. So often as a mother I get stuck in a rut where it feels like it’s the movie Groundhog Day and the same things just keep happening day after day. It’s exhausting and often defeating. I then remind myself that this too shall pass. Whatever rough stage the kids are in at the moment, they are still my sweet little boys whom I love and would do anything for.

My second biggest piece of advice is to find time for yourself. Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or you have a career, you need to be ‘more than just a mom’. After therapy and meds, finally finding hobbies that I enjoy is where things really started to get better for me. Things aren’t perfect, but had I not taken time for myself, I wouldn’t have nice paintings on my walls that I painted, my blog that I write in hopes of helping others, and I wouldn’t feel whole again.

What does women empowerment mean to you?

Much too often I see women tearing down other women. This is prevalent on social media, between celebrities, or even just within circles of friends. It’s so disheartening and is the complete opposite of how women should act toward each other. To me, women empowerment means boosting other women up, not tearing them down. Believing in ourselves, and our fellow women, that we can achieve anything we set our minds to. We aren’t stronger when we step on someone else to get where we are, we are stronger when we work together and build a community in which we all rise and grow.

Talk to me about self-care for mothers?

Self-care for mothers is something that is often forgotten or pushed aside. I see so many mothers on social media talking about how they don’t have any time to themselves without their children nearby or doing things such as running errands, which is NOT self-care time, that’s still working, so to speak. Women need, and deserve, time away in which they are able to rediscover who they are beyond the fact that they are someone’s mother. This can be something as simple as going to a coffee shop and reading every Sunday afternoon while your significant other watches the kids (this is how my self-care time started), or as big as a girl’s weekend with friends. It’s important to find things that you enjoy and that make you feel whole again.

Before becoming a mother, my education and career were everything to me. When I left that career, I left all my sense of self-worth behind as well. I didn’t know who I was beyond being a mom. It wasn’t until I started reading at a coffee shop every Sunday afternoon when my twins were about a year old that I started to find myself again. I felt even better when I took up painting in March of 2020 when everything was shut down and I happened to come across some online painting classes for just $10. Six months later I came up with the name for my blog that I had always wanted to start and I hit the ground running with that. Now that I truly feel I am helping others with my blog, even though I’m not making much money yet, I feel good about myself again because I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do, helping others.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that having time for self-care and hobbies isn’t one-sided in our household. My husband also deserves, and has, time to himself and time for his hobbies. We have set nights each week for when we have time together and time apart to work on our own hobbies or ventures.

The post Having Twins: What Do I Need? appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting is not easy.

Becoming a parent is one of the toughest things I have done in my life. It is also the most fulfilling thing I have done in my life. I am the father of a teenager. It does not come with a manual.  I have made many mistakes. I have also learned a lot of lessons.

Leanne Cabral, author of A Parent’s Best Gift, talks about parenting, parenting skills, parenting styles, and gives us unique parenting tips.

Leanne, please tell my audience a little about you?

I am a mother, author, speaker, and coach who loves to inspire and equip others to build a living legacy of faith by chasing after the things that matter most. I have a passion for equipping parents as they navigate the awesome task of passing faith on to their children. I encourage parents to make their invisible faith tangible so they can intentionally point their kids to Jesus and build a living legacy of enduring faith. I am married to James and a mom to four teens/emerging adults. I recently released my first book, A Parent’s Best Gift, which is available on Amazon.

Tell us about your book A Parent’s Best Gift?

The best gift we can give our kids is to live our lives in such a way that they know who Jesus is and understand His incredible love for them. While many understand this task, in theory, most of us struggle to practice applying this in everyday life. A Parent’s Best Gift reveals this process, equipping parents with tools and strategies that are simple, applicable, and absolutely doable. Discover freedom, direction, and intentionality as you begin to see this magnificent task broken down into manageable bitesize pieces. I truly believe we all want to be the parents God has called us to be and cultivate faith in our kids that takes root and grows.

Why did you write this book and tell me about your journey as a parent?

This book emerged out of my own quest to figure out a few things as a Mom. I knew that I would be held accountable for how I lived out my faith and pointed my kids to Jesus. I was desperate to find out how to do this in the chaos of everyday life. Questions like how do you make an invisible faith visible and tangible, or How do I teach my kids to pray and to hear God’s voice… drove me. This sent me on quite a journey out of which a 10-talk series emerged as well as a book. What I learned on the journey was that as parents, we are all hungry for the same information… whether you come from a legacy of faith or you are a first-generation believer, we desperately want to be the parents God has called us to be, we just don’t always know-how. This book is about the obstacles that entangled me as the Lord began to deal with my own warped views of Him and myself and then moves into how to get started to create the legacy of faith that you want to build. The last part of the book which is the largest is a practical guide on how to cultivate specific areas of spiritual development within your family, like prayer or hear God, in the chaos of everyday life. I wrote the book I desperately wanted but couldn’t find it.

You call parenting the toughest assignment why?

I call it a sacred assignment, our main thing. With all the good things calling our name we often get distracted and clouded by lesser things and we respond to the tyranny of the urgent instead of intentionally doing the things we actually value most.

Define intentional parenting?

Most of us in parenting are reactive. We respond to the things that come our way … the things that appear urgent but may not actually be. An intentional parent is proactive, knowing what they value and what they want to focus on and cultivate within their family. They have created a family mission statement so that they are very clear on what they stand for as a family and what they want to be known for. They weigh every opportunity against their mission statement so that they can weed out all the good things calling their name and focus on the great things for their family. They create a plan and carve out time to implement what they value.

Give me four practical tips to be a great parent?

Pray

Create a Family Mission Statement. Figure out what you really value as a family – what you want to be known for so you can make your best decisions

Be present … put the distractions down (phone, computer, TV)

Start date nights with your kids where you spend at least one hour of uninterrupted time alone with one child.

I have a 16-year-old. Should I be a father to her or a friend? What are the difference and the result?

Your primary role is to model Jesus to her in your own life and point her to Him. Love and prayer are our most valuable tools.

How is food, faith, finance, and family connected?

They are all ingredients needed for a healthy family and healthy relationships – they need to be stewarded well.

Food – What you put in your body matters, the healthier the food, the healthier the body.

Faith – It is the main thing… none of the others matter if this one isn’t a priority. All the rest will flow out of this.

Finances – We must start from the place of knowing that all we have comes from God, we are simply given the task of stewarding it well.

Family – This is where all the magic happens. It is where faith is lived out in the majesty and in the messiness of life. This is what matters most… how we steward the kids entrusted to us and how we point them to Jesus. It’s in the seemingly mundane and ordinary where faith and faithfulness are cultivated. It’s our primary mission field.

How do you find a balance with the above in this busy world?

We have chosen to intentionally live life at a slower pace for that exact reason… So, we have enough time and margin to focus on what really matters to us and our family. In a world that moves so quickly, we live a slowed-down life where there is room for our soul to breathe and respond to the stirrings of the Holy Spirit.

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