Betsy Kerekes: Ten of my favorite tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage

In a few weeks, I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. Twenty-five years. That sounds like a long time, and yet sometimes I wonder where the years went.

Do I have a formula for a successful marriage? No. Am I an expert? Definitely not. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But after 25 years of marriage, I have learned a few things, made plenty of mistakes, and collected more than a few marriage tips along the way.

On my wedding day, if you had told me that within five years, five of the men who stood beside me in my wedding party, the minister who provided our premarital counselling, the DJ, and the MC at our wedding would all get divorced, I probably would have looked at you and said, “Seriously?”

But that is exactly what happened.

That experience taught me something early in my marriage: saying “I do” is only the beginning. A wedding can last a day, but a marriage has to survive ordinary Tuesdays, difficult conversations, financial pressures, children, career changes, disappointments, illness, and seasons when life simply does not go according to plan.

I dated Debbie for nearly two years before we got married. I have to be honest. Some people questioned my choice. But I knew myself. I knew my strengths, and I also knew my gaps. Debbie brought qualities into my life that I needed, and together we began building a life.

Twenty-five years later, much has changed.

On our wedding day, I had hair, abs shaped by playing squash three times a week, working out, and swimming. Today, the hair is mostly gone, the abs have been replaced by a little more blubber, and I find myself in a very different role: caring for Debbie as cancer takes its toll.

That is marriage.

It is not just the wedding photographs, anniversaries, vacations, date nights, and good memories. Those moments matter, but marriage is also about what happens when the tire bursts on the highway.

What do you do then?

Do you abandon the journey? Do you yell, scream, and ask, “Why me?” Or do you pull over, figure out what went wrong, repair what you can, and keep going?

I have learned that marriage is hard work. It is not a transactional business where you keep score of who did what for whom. It requires sacrifice, patience, forgiveness, humor, commitment, and intentional effort.

I think about Debbie having a C-section when Jean was born. I think about her taking care of Jean while I was completing my MBA. I remember the mornings when Debbie would get up at 4:00 a.m. to shovel the snow so I could leave home at 6:45 a.m.

Those moments remind me that marriage is rarely about one grand heroic gesture. More often, it is built through thousands of small acts of love that nobody else sees.

You see successful hockey, basketball, or baseball players and admire what they accomplish on the ice or on the field. What we don’t always see are the countless hours of practice, sacrifice, discipline, setbacks, and repetition that came before the success.

Marriage is much the same.

There is no instant formula. There is no magic shortcut. You get out of a marriage what you are willing to put into it.

And after 25 years, I am still learning.

So, rather than pretend I have all the answers, I want to share some of the lessons I have learned, the mistakes I have made, and the marriage tips I have picked up from other couples along the way.

Because sometimes the best marriage advice does not come from people who claim to have a perfect marriage. It comes from people who have simply learned how to keep showing up.

That is why I am excited to share some advice from Betsy Kerekes.

Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her work focuses on marriage, parenting, and family life, and she brings both professional experience and personal experience to the conversation.

I particularly like the practical approach behind her marriage advice. After all, marriage is lived in the everyday moments. It is how we speak to each other, how we handle disagreements, how we show appreciation, how we make time for one another, and how we continue to choose each other when life becomes difficult.

So, rather than simply giving you my own marriage tips, I thought it would be helpful to bring another voice into the conversation.

Here are ten of Betsy’s favorite marriage tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage.

As you read through them, don’t just ask, “Is this good advice?”

Ask yourself a more important question:

“Which of these could I actually put into practice in my own marriage?”

Enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings, but don’t feel cheated if they go away. Feelings are fleeting. “I like the way I feel with this person” is not enough to sustain a marriage for a lifetime.

People often get divorced because they simply fall out of love with each other. “The chemistry is gone,” they say. It’s impossible to stay madly in love 24/7, but simple reminders of your feelings for each other (past and present) can help keep the flame alive. Read old journals from when you first met. Leave love notes for each other. Make up a scavenger hunt with a romantic prize at the end. The possibilities are endless, and falling in love with the same person can be just as exhilarating the second, third, and twelfth time around.

Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You can take care of yourself. Know that you will be okay, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do.

Knock yourself out of the mindset that your spouse has often done this or that for you, and therefore should always do those things for you. Sometimes that just won’t be possible, and that’s okay, because you’re a big kid. You will survive, even if it means squishing the big spider yourself, pulling the chair over to reach the top shelf on your own, or cooking for yourself. It may mean listening to “Eye of the Tiger” several times in advance, but you can do it.

Make a decision to take care of household issues that really matter to you. You won’t need to nag your spouse about something truly important to you because you will be solving the problem yourself.

Believe it or not, social scientists have studied the question of housework: who does it, who complains about it, and what difference it makes. Study after study shows that women are happier when they feel appreciated for their contributions, and men are happier when they don’t feel nagged. So, if the housework is nagging at you, don’t nag at each other! Just take care of it! And if your spouse takes care of something, say thank you.

Practice giving to your spouse. “I’m getting up to get a cup of coffee. Can I get something for you?”

Anticipate your spouse’s needs. If you notice your spouse’s cup is half empty (or half full, if you prefer), get up for more before your spouse even notices he or she is running low. It will make him or her happy and even bring delight to your own heart when you know you’ve done a good deed. Remember, it’s those little unexpected things that carry the most weight.

Relinquish control of small issues. You will be building up the feeling of teamwork within your home. You will feel a lot less stressed yourself if you let go of the need to win on trivial issues. And you’ll be in a much stronger position to stand your ground when the two of you disagree over something really important.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, or you’ll drown in it.” In a marriage, it’s critical to recognize the small stuff and to remember what is the biggest: your relationship. Don’t raise your blood pressure because she ate the last of the mint chocolate chip ice cream or because he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end. But really, in the little debates, the one who feels less strongly on the matter should simply give in to the other. Keep the peace, and keep your spouse.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, even in your mind. If you find yourself mentally rehearsing your grudges, change the subject. Harboring negative thoughts will make you sour.

Have you ever taken a picture of someone right as they sneezed? Those pictures never turn out well. And sometimes when we talk, we say something we didn’t actually mean; it didn’t come outright. Sometimes we’re just having an off day and speak or act more harshly than we normally would. If your spouse does something out of the ordinary, in a hurtful sort of way, he or she may just be having an off day. Give him or her some space and time, and think of that incident as the moment when he or she sneezed as the picture snapped. Throw the photo, and the incident, out of your mind.

Accept the fact that each of you is good at a different set of things and cares about a different set of things.

I hate football season. I absolutely dread it every year. To make things worse, it often begins on or around my birthday. For my husband, however, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Consequently, I must endure countless monologues about quarterbacks, linebackers, conferences, stats, and other information that filters loosely through my mind while I try to figure out what to make for dinner. As much as it pains me to endure this useless information, I know that he loves to talk football, and I’m the only person around, short of an imaginary friend, who will listen even remotely. With your loved ones, you make allowances. That’s just the way it is.

Plan another time to discuss the issue or solve the problem you’re fighting about.

Certain times just aren’t good for arguments. Late at night, right before dinner when you’re both hungry, or when company is over are obvious examples. “Don’t go to bed angry” is not the best advice. Chances are, you won’t be thinking clearly or rationally when you’re tired. Sometimes, it’s better to postpone the inevitable discussion so that each of you can have time to cool off and think out your position rationally. Just remember that when you do return to the war room, be honest, open, and willing to listen.

Sing. We often “get stuck” on a negative idea during a fight. Neuroscience has shown that singing helps us use both halves of the brain. Singing helps you get “unstuck.”

You may find yourself starting off with “These boots are made for walking” or “Any man of mine better walk the line,” but after a while, you’ll be able to move yourself on from the thwarted romance genre to a sappy love song, preferably a duet.

I have friends who sing their arguments or speak with an accent so they don’t take themselves, or each other, too seriously. It also helps them get over it sooner. Try it sometime. 😊

Allow yourself to enjoy your spouse’s surprises. He or she contributes to your household in all sorts of ways that might never occur to you. “I didn’t think of playing games with the children. I was focused on chores, and you created some pleasure in our home. Thank you.”

It’s good every once in a while to do something spontaneous. It keeps the marriage fresh and lively. Be happy to receive such actions and open to doing them yourself. Pay attention, also, to the nonspontaneous but wonderful things your spouse does all the time that you may take for granted. The example in this tip also reminds us to occasionally take a break from the daily grind and to appreciate what really matters.