10 Keys to Successful Communication in Marriage

Why is communication in marriage important?

In order for a marriage to be sustainable there needs to be love, honesty, commitment, and many other things. However, to develop that bond there needs to be efficient communication in marriage between the couple. The truth is that if there is no communication between you and your partner it basically means a lack of interest in each other. It creates misunderstanding and ambiguity. However, if you are open with your spouse about what you are going through and are open to feedback then the result is respect, honesty, and trust.

I am fascinated by marriage. I have written about it. I have also interviewed pastors, authors, and psychologists who specialize in marriage.

I recently got invited to a marriage class on communication presented by David Jung. David has provided leadership for various non-profit organizations for over 25 years. He has a degree in Philosophy, a diploma in Counselling, a Master of Arts in Christian Counselling, as well as certifications in Conflict Resolution and Mediation.

I have written down my 10 key takeaways from his presentation and also added from my own experience.

Become Aware of  How VUCA Impacts Communication in Marriage

David Jung starts by talking about VUCA. The post-Covid world is volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous.

Marriage is now part of the VUCA framework. From my own experience, I have seen more close friends get divorced and some have remarried. There is so much uncertainty as marriages now involve prenuptial agreements with accountants, lawyers, and wedding planners getting involved. The very definition of marriage is under attack, creating ambiguity and complexity.

Know the Major Causes of Conflict in Marriage

The major issues in marriage that create conflict, hurt, and lack of forgiveness are family relationship dynamics, money, sex & intimacy, mismatched and unrealistic expectations, inadequate attention, jealousy and infidelity,  chores and responsibilities, control, not being appreciated, talking with an ex or about an ex, being possessive, who puts more into the relationship, clothes, goals, religion, and discipline.

Psychologists and academics agree that communication is the key element of a fulfilling marriage. However, why is so elusive? Why do couples struggle with communicating about so many issues?

Differentiate Between Facts, Fiction, and Opinion

The truth is small issues become big and can lead to friction, arguments, and then a lack of passion and affection in the marriage. So the anatomy of your conversation is based on your facts and how you view the world and then that forms your beliefs and values. We think our facts are more accurate, more important, and better than someone else’s because we are seeing them from our lens. Have you ever thought that your ‘facts’ could just be an opinion? Take five dots and put them on diagram 1 and then take five dots and put them on diagram 2. You could make a star out of one and a triangle with the other just by connecting them. So we need to know the whole picture.

Pay Attention to Different Points of View: Listen, Engage and Solve the Problem

In communication, it is important to look at points of view. What has four letters. Sometimes has nine. Never has five. What do you think?

If you look at what has four letters is a statement and not a question. The word ‘what’ has four letters ‘sometimes’ nine and ‘never’ has five letters. So it is important to look at the context. Saying to your partner ‘you never listen to me, I do not feel loved’. Now we have different points of view which do not align and these are the common three responses that take place between the couple:

We Fight -> We Argue, We Debate -> How about if were just to listen to our partner. How about asking ‘What did you mean by that?’

Flight (we take off from the room, shut ourselves, yell) -> Retreat, Close off -> How about engaging with the partner

Freeze -> Go Blank, Feel Numb -> How about listening, engaging, and solving the problem.

As a couple, look into what is your typical response. How about if one partner says to another let us spend some time. They go to Costco and spend three hours shopping and then they go home and the second partner play games on the video. This sets off the other partner as she wanted to spend some time on a date and not go shopping at Costco.

Focus on the Problem and Not Your Partner

Focus on emotional intelligence and become aware of your own emotions, and how to manage and use the information to guide your conversations. The lack of emotional intelligence will negate any strategies and tools you use. If your partner always comes late to events, lateness is the problem and not your partner.

Create Emotionally, and Physical Safety and Move From Assumption to Curiosity

Challenge your own assumptions…Be curious about why you want to spend time with me? Do not assume what they mean? Move from assumption to curiosity. Say something like:

‘I am curious…can you help me understand?’

‘I have noticed…can you help me understand?’

‘I would like to talk about…with you, but first I want to understand your point of view.’

‘I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about…I really want to hear your thoughts about this and share my perspective as well.’

Become Aware Of Positions and Interests

If a couple wants to go out for dinner. One wants to go for Italian and the other wants to go for Chinese. Now both are on top of the mountain with their positions. How about finding common interest or common ground. Both want to eat, both want to spend time together and both want to spend money. How about doing a take-out from the two different restaurants and then going to a park and having the meal together. By finding a common ground you are solving the position.

Look at the common interest of fairness, respect, safety, efficiency, growth, justice, happiness, autonomy, honesty, and loyalty. Ask why your partner wants to go for Chinese or Italian. What is so important about the restaurant?

Sharpen Your Listening Skills

For efficient communication in marriage, listening is the key. Focus on your partner and listen to what they are saying. If not, your partner will get frustrated and you will misunderstand the message. Listening is just not hearing the message but you need to put mental focus and physical effort into it. Look at the body language and tone of your partner. Get a total comprehension of your partner’s point of view. Encourage your partner to communicate in an open way.

Care About Your Partner

The goal of communication in marriage is to make the relationship stronger and the bond tighter. Focus on why your partner feels a certain way. Be sensitive to the feeling of your partner.

Even in Boxing, Hitting Below the Belt is Not Allowed

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are powerful weapons that can inspire or destroy someone. You have a choice to either encourage or break your spouse. Communication in marriage is a discipline of love. Your tongue is a spiritual thermometer. You need to step out of your own frame of reference and it is an ego-emptying activity. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman help us to be careful with our words ‘I am to sow words like seeds to bring a harvest of fruit…We must choose our words as if we were choosing an instrument of life or death.’ Please use your words to build up your partner.

Even after 21 years of marriage, I have to grow in every area mentioned above. Here is what I recommend for you. GET HELP if you are feeling that there is a lack of communication in your marriage. Go get marriage counseling. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member. An objective view from a counselor or a different perspective is what you need.

Photo Credits: Timo Stern