A people pleaser goes out of their way to make others happy to gain approval and acceptance. People pleasers often prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, sometimes to the detriment of their well-being. They may strongly desire to be liked, accepted, or validated by those around them and go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disagreement. People pleasers take being considerate and accommodating to an extreme at the expense of their own needs and boundaries and find it difficult to say no.
Lunch With a Friend
Recently, I had lunch with a friend whom I have known for a long time. His marriage had failed, his career was going nowhere, and he was renting a basement apartment. He thought he should have been further ahead in life, considering he was attending church.
I told him that the church he was attending had a culture of control and manipulation that fostered people-pleasing behaviors. Members were pressured to conform to strict expectations or behave in ways that reflected the leader’s authority or the group’s dogma, which can stifle individuality. This environment can lead to people-pleasing tendencies, where members feel compelled to seek approval or avoid disapproval from leaders and fellow members to maintain their standing within the group.
My friend was anxious and resentful of the past. His low self-esteem, fear of hurting others, pretending to agree with everything at the church, wanting everyone to like him, difficulty saying no, and craving praise led him to this path. He felt taken advantage of and did not know boundaries.
I had to remind my friend that, in all the time I’ve known him, he was a people pleaser. A healthy religious community typically encourages members to grow in their faith and make personal choices based on individual conviction, with leaders supporting rather than controlling them. His church overtly pushed for uniformity and obedience over personal growth, making people-pleasing a survival mechanism in that setting.
the key dangers associated with people-pleasing
Loss of Identity: Over lunch, we talked about how he was aligning with others’ wishes which led to him losing touch with his opinions, desires, and values. Over time, it became difficult to identify what he genuinely wanted, weakening his sense of self.
Burnout and Resentment: My friend often took on more than he could handle, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Poor Boundaries: People-pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries, making it difficult to say ‘no.’ My friend became susceptible to others taking advantage, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Increased Stress and Anxiety: My insecure friend worried about others’ opinions or fear of conflict, creating a constant background of stress.
Sacrificed Goals and Dreams: People-pleasers may sideline their ambitions and dreams, deferring what truly matters to them when focusing on others. My friend never completed his education. It led to feelings of regret and unfulfillment over time.
Damaged Relationships: Ironically, people-pleasing can harm relationships. When people suppress their own needs and feelings to avoid conflict, they might build up resentment or frustration that later comes out unexpectedly, potentially damaging their relationships.
Declining Mental Health: The emotional toll of people-pleasing can increase feelings of low self-worth, depression, and chronic dissatisfaction. Self-neglect leads to a lack of personal fulfillment, which can worsen mental well-being over time.
If the church, which is supposed to be a safe place, without judgment or accusation can lead to people pleasing, what about our families, workplaces, and marriages?
Common Characteristics of Family People-Pleasers
People-pleasing tendencies in families stem from a desire for acceptance, conflict avoidance, or early family dynamics where children learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own. While trying to keep peace and harmony, these individuals might take on excessive responsibilities, and suppress their opinions, and needs. This tendency often stems from feeling that their worth is tied to how much they can give or support others.
People-pleasers avoid family conflicts, believing that voicing their needs or opinions might lead to discord. They’re quick to anticipate and fulfill others’ needs, often placing others’ comfort and happiness above their own. Many family people-pleasers find it difficult to say no to their loved ones, leading to an overwhelming schedule and stress. They often seek validation through acts of service or sacrifice, as this may be the only way they believe they’ll be accepted or loved.
In the long term, people-pleasers may feel resentment, burnout, or emotional exhaustion. They might feel that their needs are invisible, or that they’re only valued for what they can do for others.
Origins of People-Pleasing in Families
Parental Expectations: If parents are demanding or conditional with love and approval, a child feels that they must “earn” love by pleasing others.
Conflict-Prone Environments: Children from high-conflict or emotionally turbulent households might develop people-pleasing to avoid triggering conflicts.
Family Role Assignments: Certain members are expected to play specific roles such as being responsible or the peacemaker, and think they must continue in that role to feel accepted.
Cultural or Social Conditioning: Some cultures emphasize family loyalty and harmony, which can reinforce people-pleasing behaviors.
Significant impact on marriage
People-pleasing can have a significant impact on marriages, often introducing stress, imbalance, and resentment.
Loss of Authenticity: When one partner constantly aims to please, they suppress their needs, preferences, and true opinions. This can lead to a loss of authenticity and prevent genuine emotional intimacy.
Resentment and Frustration: The people-pleasing partner often feels unappreciated or even taken for granted.
Imbalance in Responsibility: People-pleasers take on too many responsibilities, often to maintain harmony or avoid conflict.
Avoidance of Conflict: Avoiding discussions on finances, boundaries, or personal needs only postpones the inevitable and can result in misunderstandings or blowups.
Neglect of Personal Growth: When someone is focused on meeting another’s needs, they often neglect their personal growth and goals. This can hinder their development and lead to a sense of unfulfillment, which can affect how they feel about the marriage overall.
Erosion of Trust: Authenticity and transparency are key to trust. If a people-pleaser says things to keep the peace rather than being honest, it can erode trust. The other partner may sense that they’re not being fully transparent, leading to doubts about their commitment or sincerity.
Healthy marriages require clear boundaries, honest communication, and a balance of giving and receiving. Addressing people-pleasing tendencies can improve marital dynamics, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
People pleasing at work
People-pleasers prioritize pleasing others and seek approval, and can display certain strengths and weaknesses in the business world.
Strengths:
Good interpersonal skills: People-pleasers are often skilled at building relationships, maintaining a positive atmosphere, and creating a harmonious work environment.
Team collaboration: They are usually team players who strive to create a cooperative and supportive atmosphere.
Customer relations: In client-facing roles, people-pleasers may excel in customer service and relationship-building due to their desire to meet others’ needs and expectations.
Weaknesses:
Difficulty saying no: One of the main challenges for people-pleasers is the tendency to struggle with saying no, which can lead to overcommitment and burnout.
Conflict avoidance: People-pleasers may avoid conflict to maintain harmony, however, constructive conflict can be necessary for innovation and problem-solving.
Decision-making challenges: The fear of disappointing others might hinder their ability to make tough decisions.
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I used to be a huge people pleaser. I hated telling people no. But then I realized, you know what, I need to start putting myself first. I find with age I care less what people think. So I am no longer a people pleaser. And I do go to therapy! That helps too!
It can be way to easy to fall into this trap. I used to be a people pleaser but having kids taught me to stop.
Prioritizing self-care not only protects our mental health but also helps us show up more authentically in relationships. A great reminder to value ourselves as much as we value others!
This was a good read, and I know so many people who are like this, always seeking to be a people pleaser. I am actually going to share this with a friend, she is sooooo sweet, but she always seeks to please others instead of taking care of herself.
I’ve definitely struggled with people-pleasing, especially in family and church settings, and it’s exhausting. I appreciate the practical tips for setting boundaries and recognizing triggers. It’s encouraging to know that it’s possible to be kind without losing yourself in the process.
This is very interesting. I found it fascinating to read through — it seems like there is a fine line between people-pleasing and kindness. I have often felt taken advantage of in life for being kind, but there’s also the part where I want to please people. There is a little bit of both mixed in there. It is terrible when children think they have to prove worth!
This really hits home for me. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and trying to make eveyrone happy really does take over your life.
Learning to stop people pleasing feels brave. I’m practising saying no gently, noticing my own needs, and trusting that healthy relationships won’t crumble when I choose myself sometimes these days.
This really resonated with me. You explained the emotional side of people pleasing so clearly and thoughtfully, it gives a lot to reflect on.
As a people pleaser myself you need to push to get out of that habit. It isn’t easy as it is what you are used to but you need to learn to recognise that some will try to manipulate you when they realise. I feel for your friend as this really can be come both physically and emotionally exhausting. It can also result in the development of autoimmune conditions!!! Saying no is a biggie – they need to learn to do it and also stand their ground. I hope they can do that sooner rather than later x
I have a friend who is a people-pleaser, and now that I read this, I realized how much he’s sacrificing for no reason. Thanks for sharing this.
Some people are naturally too nice and it does not fare well for them. I think just like with everything, moderation has to be key (and self-peace). 🙂
Learning to step away from people pleasing is challenging, but choosing yourself is a powerful and necessary act of growth.
I felt seen reading this article. I used to have this problem but now I think I have the confidence to implement some of these tips.
It is sometimes a hard personality because you don’t want to disappoint others thats why you are still keep doing this even though you are fully aware what you are really doing to others and to yourself.