I Apologize

I am sorry, I hurt you, I apologize

This week I received a message on FB Messenger. I recognized the name. It just said how are you. The person also wanted to add me as a friend on FB. I replied I was fine. He then went on to apologize for something that had happened more than two decades ago.

I was in a wedding party. After the couple had danced, it was time for the groomsmen and the bridesmaids to join them. I just went and sat down. One of the bridesmaids came up to me and said we should dance. As we started to dance, I noticed someone pushed me and started attacking me. It was the husband of the bridesmaid. Over the years the groom and I did have a laugh about the situation.

The Apology

The husband had sent me a message because he wanted to apologize. I told him it was OK. It was time to move on.

I admired him. It took guts, humility, and vulnerability.

Some of us have hurt other people. Some of us have been hurt by other people. A classmate at high school or university, a colleague, a boss, close friends, and family.

An apology is a good idea

An apology is a social act, a nuance to be polite, to pay homage, and show compassion towards the wronged person. It is important for our physical, mental, and emotional health.

An apology is an amazing idea if you have caused pain to another person. It results in you communicating with the other person and connecting with them. An apology validates the other person’s feelings and lets them know you care for them. It creates a safety net. You have repaired the relationship and have made the other person comfortable around you.

Validation is the acceptance and understanding of the other person’s feelings. The other person got hurt or scared by your actions. This kind of validation is curative.

Apologizing creates boundaries and rules around the relationship going into the future. You need to take responsibility for where you were wrong. Your actions caused pain and hurt someone.

Apologies restore dignity for the person you hurt. It tells the other person that your toxic behavior is not OK.

An apology is important to social order as it allows us to restore ourselves when we hurt someone.

Apology and empathy are linked together

In order for me to forgive the person who attacked me at the wedding, I had to have empathy, kindness and compassion for him. His apology paved the way for me to see him in a more compassionate way. His humble apology made it easier for me to forgive him. I all of a sudden developed a deep respect for him and saw him from a different perspective. The anger and bitterness I had felt that night melted. I saw him as a broken human being. He was human. There was this emotional healing and it allowed me to move on rather than being stuck in the past.

Motive, demeanor, and a meaningful apology

The motive and demeanor are two crucial aspects of an apology. When done in person, the motive and demeanor are communicated nonverbally. There needs to be sincerity about it. If not it has no meaning to the other person. The sincerity must come from deep within to be meaningful to the other person. An empty apology is manipulative.

An intentional apology, along with sincerity and meaning is powerful and transformative for the receiver and the giver.

Do not apologize if you are being forced to or you want something from the other person. Never make a bad promise. The goal of an apology is to press reset on the relationship and to build trust. It also conveys the message that you are aware of your behavior, actions and will try your level best not to repeat it again.

A meaningful apology must come with a pang of regret, obligation, and corrective action. You must come to terms with the fact that your actions hurt someone, communicate it, and acknowledge the breach you caused. You must take full responsibility for your actions and finally communicate that you will not repeat that toxic behavior.

In 2021, we need to apologize a lot more. We need to reach to those we have hurt and make a difference in their lives. It will transform you and the other person.