The Powell’s: Love Advice

I have known Jessica and Gary Powell for 15 years. Jessica got married at 19. I was in my first-year university. Gary Powell moved to Vancouver to do a master’s degree. I catch up with them and ask them about their marriage, dating, relationship, and advice on love. Jessica finished the questionnaire early. Gary Powell needed some prodding and he completed it. I would strongly recommend that you read this interview a couple of times. There are so many nuggets in there that can help you deal with dating, love, relationships, and marriage.

Gary and Jessica welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

Jessica – Hi! Thanks for having us! Let’s see, what is something important about us? I guess I would start with what’s most important to us and that is living fully surrendered lives to Jesus. Of course, we often miss the mark on that, but in every aspect of our lives, that is our primary goal. We’ve been married 15 (almost 16 now!) years, have three children, and have lived near Vancouver for the last 2.5 years. Before that, we lived in the Toronto area where both Gary and I had grown up.

Gary – Thanks, Jerry! I’d echo those thoughts from Jess. We are living as believers of Jesus as Lord overall—and doing that together as a family of five now with our three kids. We both shared that deep sense of faith as individuals, which I think helped a lot as we got started into our relationship years ago.

When did you know Gary that Jessica was the one for you? same with you Jessica?

Gary – It took me a while. I had dated a few people in my High School years, and while I knew who Jessica was, I didn’t see her in that way at first. After working together at our local Dairy Queen and getting to know her we began to date. But that’s where the interesting part of this answer comes in: I broke up with Jessica twice in our dating years because I wasn’t sure! I think when I was pursuing her again the third time, I finally realized that there was something different going on here. 🙂

Jessica – It’s actually hard to say when exactly I knew, but it was a lot sooner than Gary did, that’s for sure! We were so young when we met—I was only 14—that my first feelings of “he’s the one” can really only be described as a crush. But it was a crush that never went away and just continued to grow until I knew I wanted to live my life with him. I then made the decision to make Gary my “one” for the rest of our lives when I married him—I was 19 and he was 21.

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

Jessica – Oh goodness, where do we even start? There were so many challenges! The biggest challenge, honestly, was how young we were. No matter how mature you are for your age, there’s just no way around the fact that experience requires time and when you’re in high school, you haven’t lived through very much time yet. Both of us were still figuring out who we were, what we wanted, and how our relationship fit in with all that. As Gary already mentioned, in the two years we dated before getting engaged, we even broke up twice before finally deciding to stay together for good!

Gary – Yeah, I suppose there were some challenges, weren’t there!? As Jess mentioned, our age was a big factor. For me, though, it was more navigating the big feelings from previous romantic relationships. I wanted to focus solely on Jessica and pretend the other relationships didn’t really matter (that they were somehow less important, so I could move on). Let’s just say ignorance is not bliss and suppressing hurt feelings doesn’t bode well for your current relationship!

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

Gary – Jessica’s sense of humor has definitely improved since marrying me! But on a more serious note, I’ve been forced to deal with myself and wrestle with my own issues since being married. When you’re by yourself, you can hide and keep pushing things down. It’s not as easy when you’re married. I’m grateful that Jessica hasn’t put up with mediocrity in me and yet is simultaneously committed to staying with me no matter what. I have definitely grown in my capacity and confidence as a human being because of her consistent love and encouragement.

Jessica – This is one of my favorite things about marriage; it’s such an intense version of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It’s not necessarily always a pleasant experience, but both of us would attest to the fact that marriage has often brought out the worst in us, which is a good thing because then it’s out in the open where we (or more accurately, God!) can deal with it. Of course, we both have to be willing to actually let God deal with it, otherwise, we’re just living with our worst making a mess all around us!

Selfishness, anger, bitterness, lack of faith, impatience, pride—these are just some of the things that marriage (and parenting) have unearthed in my own heart and although I’ve come a long way since we were first married, I’m still always amazed at how many layers there still seem to be!

Gary – Wow, you really have issues, don’t you ;).

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

Gary – Hmm, I actually think we need to acknowledge that in our society today we don’t have to make it through. It’s so easy to just give up and move on, trading in this relationship for a new one. When we were married, we actually had friends and family giving odds on how many years we would last! (I think it was four…we beat the odds!) I say all that because when we decided to get married, we did it with the caveat that divorce wasn’t an option. While we didn’t know the specific challenges we would face, we knew if there was an “out” we would be more likely to take it. So as best we could, we attempted to remove the potential of the “out” and face the reality of the challenge head-on. Scary, yes. Helpful in the midst of relational storms, definitely!

Jessica – It’s true, marriage can be really difficult! Two separate individuals are never going to agree on everything. Additionally, being in such an intimate relationship automatically increases the level of vulnerability and sensitivity we have with each other, so there is significantly more risk of hurting one another. We’ve had to get really good at both forgiving—pressing the “reset” button—and at having the humility to say “I’m sorry.” That second one is actually the worst for me. I despise being wrong and I hate admitting it even more! However, we know if we don’t actively practice both confession and forgiveness, resentment will capture our hearts and kill our marriage and family.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

Jessica – Keep your heart soft and open to God. Seriously, that is 100% the most important requirement for being a good spouse/parent. Not only will this keep you in a position to be continually transformed by Him—something that enables you to reflect Him and His love towards your family—it also serves as the primary motivation behind how you serve your spouse and family. Your spouse will let you down. Your kids will drive you crazy. There will be times when you honestly don’t feel like they deserve your love. God, on the other hand, is always worthy of our love and obedience, and therefore, we can serve our families for His sake even when we don’t feel like doing it for their sake.

In addition to this, you have to surround yourself with a good community. Yes, it’s important to be careful and respectful in how you talk about your spouse with others, but there are always going to be times when you actually need to vent or talk out an issue with someone else. Find the people who will be on the side of your marriage, not those who will just take your side. Keep people around who will listen, give godly advice, pray for you and with you, and who will give you a kick in the right direction in those times when you really need it.

Gary – Yes and yes to Jessica’s points above. I’m not always the peachiest person to live with (right, Jess?) and Jessica’s dedication to obey God by loving me, combined with the support of the community, has definitely been a blessing. I would add a few more. The advice was given to me to “shut up and hug” is generally quite effective. If the conversation is simply an emotional expression and doesn’t need words in response, a hug goes a long way.

As both a spouse and a parent, I also recommend the use of parking lots (or another quiet space) on the way home from work. Take five minutes (and not more) to pull off and transition your mind from work life to home life before you get home. As a parent, be careful with your tone. And one more as a spouse: make the bed. I can think of no other action that takes so little effort and yet has such a great return on investment!

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…. explain (this is a family blog)?

Jessica – Yes, it does! The problem is, we tend to associate romance with very specific actions, activities, and feelings (especially the fluttery, giddy feelings we get at the beginning of the relationship!). Romance, however, is about excitement and mystery, and even though we may think marriage kills mystery (a thought that usually arrives the first time one of you decides closing the bathroom door is optional), it actually deepens it. Early in our relationship, it was just exciting that he wanted to get to know me. Now I find myself often filled with excitement and awe at the fact that he already knows so much about me and yet still loves me and loves being with me!

Because of this, I have found all the little things Gary does to show his love have taken on an increasingly deeper meaning as the years go by. The way he seeks me out as soon as he gets home from work, sends me smiles across the room when we’re out at a gathering, or takes great delight in giving me an unexpected gift—he is constantly reminding me that I am loved and cherished, and it feels so much more romantic than any date we had before we were married.

Gary – Yes. I think when it comes to romance, we need to remember that healthy, loving relationships get better over time, not worse. When we were first married (and even dating) our romance was new and exciting, but also kind of awkward. Now it’s a lot smoother and our playful banter back-and-forth is much more satisfying as well because we know each other well. The same thing goes for physical intimacy. The more we get to know each other, the better things have become. I guess in response to your statement though, I would agree and say to keep pursuing your spouse. Make them the first person you “go-to”, find, share things with, etc. The investment is well worth it.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage. 

Jessica – Uh, no. We argue often and we most certainly do not have a perfect marriage! But I’m really glad we argue. We’re different people and have different thoughts, opinions, and ways of looking at the world, so of course, we will disagree sometimes! To have a marriage without arguments would mean we were living in denial and without any real intimacy between us.

It does matter how we argue, though, and we have learned a lot about how to talk through our disagreements. Most of the time now we’re able to come to a consensus fairly quickly, but there are, of course, some arguments that take longer than others! The ones that occur late at night are often the most difficult because, just like everyone else, we usually become significantly less reasonable when we’re tired. We never follow a rule of “work things out before you go to sleep” because we’ve learned there are some arguments that can’t be worked out until we’ve had some sleep!

Gary – I feel the need to clarify Jessica’s comment about working things out before we sleep (is this an argument??). I think we have always tried to work things out before heading to bed, but when it gets to the point where we’re exhausted, we acknowledge that sleep will actually help to solve the issue at hand. It’s our commitment to each other—and to work out our problems—that is what has been a priority for us. This comes back to our “divorce is not an option” caveat to our marriage. When there is no other way, we’re forced to find a solution or be stuck in a miserable living situation.

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

Gary – Marriage is not so much about what you get out of it, but what you put into it. It’s a bit cliché, but true. Focusing on your own life and making it better will just end up making it worse. I would also tell myself to pay attention to your wife. The more you know about her, the more you can love her and help her. When she is loved and supported, she blossoms. Also, getting married is just the beginning. It’s not “done” now, so keep working together and doing life together.

Jessica – I would say that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes, you love him now, but as you keep intentionally moving towards each other, you will get to experience a depth of love you can’t even imagine right now. It won’t ever be fully easy, but it will get easier and for every night that you go to bed in tears, you will have three times as many where you fall asleep full of indescribable joy and gratitude for the love you have found. Hold on and enjoy the process!

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

Jessica – Oh boy. Does it sound too evasive if I say “it depends”? Because it honestly does! Although I think Gary is actually the more romantic one pretty much all the time. He’s pretty great at that!

Gary – I’m definitely humbler! Seriously though, I think I am more romantic (or at least lean in that direction more than Jessica). Jessica is certainly more passionate and gentler. We’re both even on the kindness meter.

What are some nice romantic restaurants in Vancouver?

Jessica – We are probably the worst people to ask that question because for us the answer would be “any restaurant we’re at without our kids”! We do really like Cactus Club though. It’s a great date night spot!

Gary – Yeah, we’re not foodies at all and hardly have a chance to get out. We do love take-out wings and breadsticks from Pizza Hut after the kids go to bed though!

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

Gary Powell – Our whole marriage has been pretty funny! We often say our home life is kind of like a sitcom and we laugh at ourselves a lot. It helps not to take things too seriously. That said, my attempt at taking maternity “beach photos” of Jessica when she was 8-months pregnant was pretty funny. The waves kept crashing and pushing her over and let’s just say the words “beached whale” may have come out of my lips! (One more piece of advice for newly married couples—I do have pre-approval to share that story!).