Glenn and Lee Fen: Marriage Made in Heaven

Glenn arrives from India to study hotel management in Switzerland. Lee Fen comes for the same course but from Malaysia. They started dating the first year of university, got married, settled in Australia with two beautiful daughters. I wanted to know the secret of staying 34 years together.

When did you know Glenn that Lee Fen was the one for you? Same for Lee Fen?

G. The moment I realized that Lee Fen was so genuine, so friendly, so full-of-life and so un-complicated with her approach to life.

L. I realized that Glenn was the one for me when I was all alone on stage in a ski resort – Verbier.  In my tiny accommodation, buried under layers of snow, I felt so lonely, missing my family, and all of a sudden I realized that Glenn was the one for me.

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

G. The challenge for me was realizing that Lee Fen was extremely outgoing and all the guys at Les Roches were her friends.  There was no room for jealousy, I realized that love is sharing.

L. The challenge for me, being so far from my big and supportive family. I had no one to discuss with my new “friend”. We were living in a student community. I had not built any close friends. Furthermore, it was prohibitively expensive to call overseas so I couldn’t ask my siblings or parents for advice either.  The beauty of the situation was that we had to resolve any challenges between ourselves, being respectful of each other, and mutual understanding.  This helped us develop and strong relationship which still stands the test of time, 34 years later.

Marriage changes you forever.  How have both of you changed over the years?

G. I guess I have more lines on my face since marriage but I would not attribute them all to my lovely wife!!! The gravitational pull in the Southern Hemisphere is probably to blame!

Looking back over the years, I am a totally changed person.  Lee Fen has helped me understand the importance of kindness, generosity, sharing, giving, and eating.  Yes, cooking and enjoying good food is an integral part of Lee Fen’s Malaysian-Chinese heritage and I am fully immersed in it.  I have also learned to speak Teochew (Chiu Chow), to help me fit in better with her parents and siblings and now consider myself an honorary member of the Goh family clan.

L. I have learned to appreciate different things and to share in what Glenn enjoys.  From being a late-riser, I now get up before dawn for early morning walks, reflection, and exercise.  From being a person who was passionate about eating, I am now more aware of the connection between our health and the future of our world through our eating habits.  I am stronger, wiser, more independent, more accepting and despite all this, I am still learning.

Marriage has its ups and downs.  However, we have to make it through.  Help me understand that in your situation?

G/L. It is very important to be able to communicate openly, without blame or judgment.  We have followed a simple rule – it’s perfectly alright to say what’s on your mind so long as you are not hurting the other person. There are no winners in this partnership because if one wins the other loses and that’s simply not acceptable.

PS from Glenn.  I used to be a person who took his grudges and disappointments un-spoken to bed believing that one could sleep away worries but after meeting Lee Fen I changed my mantra and I now believe that it is so important, most imperative, to resolve any issues and not to sleep over them because you never know if there will be a tomorrow and if you are robbed of a new day, you have lost the chance to make good.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

G/L. What has worked well for us in a family situation is being open and approachable as partners and as parents.  Our children often commented in their early years that both parents would stand by each other’s decisions.  I guess it was very frustrating for our children, never being able to play off one parent against another.  This is exactly what comes out of openness and frank communication in a family.

We also had a policy of working with our children on their level, employing reason rather than a commanding and authoritarian approach.  Now with our children well into their 20’s, we can all still live together under one roof as friends, that’s no mean feat when you consider that there are always four opinions to consider.

Our “tip” for partners in a relationship or parents is: show empathy, practice selflessness and most importantly in this “me-first” age, remember to shine the spotlight on others!

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…. explain (this is a family blog)?

It’s true that the excitement of a new relationship wears out in time and the way we have kept the fire going is by sharing and appreciating each other.  We always try hard to give each other our undivided attention when we need to listen, share and comment.  In this highly connected world, it is so easy to get distracted by the noise, by the sheer volume of communication, by the persuasiveness of people and media who are always screaming out for attention.  When the pressure gets too much we simply retreat to the basics – a shared meal, a walk by the beach, watching a foreign language movie, read a book and narrate the parts you find interesting, a long drive in the hills, a thank you note, a glass of our favorite drink by candlelight!  It’s true, we really do this!

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage.

The word perfect does not exist in a marriage, we believe.  Marriage is the coming together of two, very different individuals who commit being together for the rest of their lives come what may.  In other words, a recipe for disaster.  We have argued, we have fought, we have been grumpy and cranky but we have always made up and accepted blame where it was due.

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

Aren’t you glad you followed your dreams; you went where there was no clear path to follow, you looked forward and not back and you did this together?

Who is more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

If you can find all these characteristics in one person hold that person and never let go.  Jokes aside, we strive towards these ideals but we are not yet there.  Watch this space!

What are some good restaurants in Adelaide?

We don’t do fancy, we go for simple, wholesome, passionate, true to its origins. Not all the places listed here are restaurants.  Vietnamese at Pho Ba Ria 2, Northern Italian at Andre’s Cucina, Malaysian Hawker only at Chef Lai, French Pastries at Mulot’s, Modern Australian at River Cafe, Fine Dining at Mayflower Restaurant, Wasai (Japanese), Africola….

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

Somewhere along the way we have switched identities making us think and act like the other.  We have acquired characteristics and habits from each other and sometimes one of us will finish the other one’s sentences to a comment “how did you even know what I was going to say!!!!”

We have been blessed. Long live love.