Navigating Intimacy & Motherhood

Intimacy is derived from the Latin word ‘intimus,’ which means ‘inner’ or ‘innermost.’ Intimacy is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.’ Dating and marriage are commonly related to intimacy. There is physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Talk to any couple that has had a kid and ask them how is their romantic life. You will not get an answer because it does not exist.

I talk to Alicia, a personal development blogger from FemmAllure about navigating intimacy and motherhood.

Hi Alicia, please tell me something about you?

I’m a mom – first and foremost – a personal development blogger and a language coach. I am from beautiful Jamaica! 

I grew up in a deep-rural community here in Jamaica and for a huge part of my life, I lived in poverty as well. Growing up in such an environment really limited my opportunities and exposure in life and crafted reality of hopelessness for me. 

My views on almost every facet of life were wrong: money, beauty, dating, happiness, friends, relationship, and parenting. You name it.

However, as I grew older and began my self-acceptance and improvement journey, I forced myself to step outside of my comfort zone, to read and ask questions. To challenge my “reality”. I changed my way of thinking, improved my mindset, and today, I am much better for it. 

It’s now my goal: to reach back to other women who have the same struggles that I had and believe the same myths that I did. To show them that, no, your life isn’t set in stone, and that, yes, you can get that job, that husband, that life. You can start that business, have that home, that family. 

You can pull yourself up no matter how difficult the situation may be, so long as you live in a country where you’re free to make choices, have the right mindset, and are willing to work for that better life. Even if you don’t see how today.

I’m Alicia and I help women find happiness by sharing the processes that took me from being that broke and lonely girl in the country to the woman I am today: with a family I adore and a feeling of genuine happiness. A feeling I never thought I could’ve ever had. A feeling I didn’t think I deserved. 🙂

Let’s talk about Intimacy. What is it?

When people think about intimacy, they tend to only think about sex. But intimacy runs so much deeper than that. Keep in mind that you can have sex without intimacy and you can have intimacy without sex. This is something I mentioned in my article How To Keep The Intimacy In Your Relationship After Having Kids.

If you Google “intimacy” the very first definition, you’ll see is “a close familiarity and friendship”. 

Intimacy to me is that deep connection and bond you have with your spouse. It is that desire to connect with them on the soul level. It’s when you have a deep desire for the person. Intimacy to me is that feeling you had at the beginning of the relationship. Where all you wanted to do was to be with them, touch them, see them, smell them, taste them. And when you were a part – even just for a little bit – you missed them very much and couldn’t wait to be together again. Intimacy is a soul connection.

How is intimacy expressed in a relationship?

As I’ve mentioned, for the most part, when people think of intimacy, they think of sex. That’s because the easiest, most common, and best way to express intimacy in a relationship is through sexual intercourse.

Intimacy is also expressed through closeness and spending quality time with your partner. And by quality time, I mean alone time. Spending quality alone time with your partner, where there are no distractions – just the two of you getting lost in each other in the moment – is one of the most important ways to express and keep the intimacy in your relationship.

Don’t forget that intimacy is expressed through the little touches throughout the day as well. The little smiles when your heart is full. Little text messages, gifts. Through words of affirmation, gestures of goodwill. It is important to learn what your love language(s) is(are) as well as that of your partner.

Just keep in mind that getting down and dirty is the perfect end to a perfect day.

How is intimacy impacted by motherhood?

There is no denying that once kids come into the picture, intimacy is drastically impacted. You have screaming kids and leaky boobs. You’re constantly running around picking up after tiny people and preventing them from getting hurt. You’re covered in diapers. You feel like you smell like puke, and when you don’t feel like that you feel like you smell like a baby.

And to add insult to injury, you’ve gained weight so you really don’t feel very attractive.  “Let’s get freaky baby! wink wink” will be the last thing on your mind.

And it’s understandable. For the first few months, your partner is very understanding and he supports you. He’s helpful. He constantly reassures you and puts his manly urges to the back of his mind.

But a few months turn into a year, then two and before you know it, the fire in your relationship is all but gone because you’ve allowed yourself to be “understanding” indefinitely. You slowly become roommates and business partners who happen to live together raising kids and occasionally have sex.

But there’s no intimacy. There’s no connection. You love each other. But you’re no longer connected.

How important is intimacy in motherhood really?

What I just mentioned, is dangerous territory. This opens up the door to all kinds of marital problems. Take my partner and me for example. Before we figured out how to bring the intimacy back into our relationship, we’d fight over everything. ALL THE TIME. Fights would last for days sometimes as other fights piled into existing fights.

Our relationship was dying. Why was that? I mean we deeply loved and cared for each other. So how could two people who love each other and couldn’t imagine their life without each other, be so cross with each other?

We were growing apart. The culprit? A lack of intimacy. We were both good to each other. Never cheated. Never lied. But we kept drifting further and further apart. That caused us to lose that connection that made the little things not matter. We were slowly becoming less and less attracted to each other. We were on the road to becoming acquaintances.

Intimacy is like the cream in a sandwich cookie. Technically you could eat the cookie without the cream but it just wouldn’t be the same, would it? Intimacy is what separates a healthy, functioning relationship between two partners from a platonic one. It’s the intimacy that makes the difference. It’s the intimacy that keeps the flames of passion burning in the relationship. It’s the intimacy that makes it more than just friendship. More than just transactional.

A mother has to do so much and on top of that Intimacy. Is it asking for too much?

As a mom of two boys myself, I can completely understand why this thought would come about. It’s hard sometimes. But I can also say this: I do not think it’s “asking too much”. 

Here’s why: Is it asking too much that your partner shows their love and affection towards you? Is it too much to ask that your partner validates you? Is it too much to ask that your partner makes you feel special? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows you that they still value you the way they did in the beginning or that they value you even more now? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows that they still find you ravishingly attractive?

I think not.

My belief is that it’s only too much when the relationship is – or is becoming – toxic. In other words, your partner doesn’t help you AT ALL. You cannot – or don’t – communicate your desires with your partner. Your partner is not taking care of your needs as well. Your partner does not make efforts to show you that you are appreciated. 

If the woman has to do everything and her partner never pitches in to help her out – or even arrange for her to get the help she needs – then comes home expecting or demanding intimacy from his woman is in fact asking too much.

But if he makes the effort, even if he does not get it right all the time, then I do not believe it’s asking too much. Back to the sandwich cookie analogy. Is it too much to ask that a sandwich cookie has delicious cream in the middle? I think not.

Walk me through how important communication is through the whole process?

Without effective communication between both parties, the intimacy is doomed to die and the relationship will suffer drastically. Even fail. Quite frankly, in my eyes, a relationship with no intimacy is a failed one.

The intimacy in my relationship was threatened with the conception of my second child. We were going through a difficult time in our relationship. I had to work long hours to help keep the family afloat while he tried to build his business.

This is a conversation we had and I encouraged him to do it. At first, I thought it was no big deal. That it wouldn’t affect us. But as the work kept piling up, the intimacy kept dwindling. We had no time for the lovey-dovey stuff. When we weren’t both working our butts to the bone, we were raising my eldest. And for me, since he was going full-time on building his business, it meant I had to work and also take care of the home. 

But his feelings towards me didn’t change. I was gaining weight due to the pregnancy but I was even more attractive to him. So he would still want to get intimate with me. What I realized though was that I was subconsciously developing resentment towards him. He was taking too long. I was doing too much. I was burnt out. I couldn’t manage. But I never shared any of this with him. I just expected him to notice.

Here’s what’s wrong with that: it’s toxic. It meant I was expecting him to see the world through my eyes but I was not extending him the same courtesy. It was only when I decided to share my concerns with him that I realized he WAS also over-extending himself. We were both overworked and stressed. Motherhood was exhausting not only to me but also to him. I had completely forgotten about his needs and was only consumed with my exhaustion.

What fixed it? It was a chat with a girlfriend of mine that put things into perspective for me. She asked me “what did he say when you explained all this to him?” Right then and there, it hit me like a brick to the face: I didn’t. Here is how to communicate this with your partner:

1. Before you start the conversation, commit to listening attentively without interrupting or getting triggered and ask that he does the same.
2. Communicate with an open heart
3. Let go of any resentment
4. Let go of any expectations that you believe he should have met
5. Assume he doesn’t know or that he doesn’t understand (because sadly, men are often quite clueless).
6. Be open to his criticisms
7. Allow him to be open about his concerns too
8. Remember your partner has needs too
9.  Remember that you are not communicating to solve your needs. You are communicating to solve both your needs.
10. Do not accuse or blame each other

This allows you to be completely present in the conversation. It allows you to be open with your partner. It allows you to identify any other weaknesses that may be interfering. It allows you to come to a common, mutually beneficial solution.

Is there a balance?

Yes. There is a balance but that balance can only be achieved through open communication and willing hearts. Both parties will have to meet each other halfway no matter how difficult it may seem at first. 

It is not possible for me to say what the exact balance is because every relationship dynamic is different. Let’s say a couple used to have intimate time together every day before kids and now that’s nonexistent or it has been reduced to once a week. 

So you schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly date nights. That might be an okay balance for some couples but for others, it might not be. There is no one-size-fits-all. You have to evaluate your unique relationship dynamic, communicate openly and honestly with your partner, so you can find the balance that works for you.

Not what works for someone else. What works for YOU.  What you should pay attention to though is if the relationship is struggling or the connection between the two of you feels as though it’s waning. Because if that’s the case, it means the balance hasn’t been struck.

Can a mother be empowered through intimacy with her partner?

A mother can most definitely be empowered through intimacy with her partner. It is empowering to know that you are still desired. That you are still the most beautiful woman in his world. That above all else, he wants to share that part of himself with you and only you.

For me, one of the most empowering feelings is when I get dressed up in something extra special and extra sexy for him. Then I see him take notice or he can’t keep his hands off me. It’s empowering for me to know that I am the one who fulfills that primal need for him.

What are some unrealistic expectations both parties need to let go of?

1. Expecting your partner to just know or expecting it to be “obvious to them”
2. Expecting your partner to always take the intuitive
3. Expecting your partner to suppress their needs
4. Expecting your partner to fulfill your needs without reciprocating
5. Expecting your partner to always be ready all the time
6. Expecting things to be the same as it was before you had kids

These are some unrealistic expectations that are pretty common in relationships as it relates to intimacy post-having kids. However, these expectations are not only toxic, but they are also dangerous and can be damaging to your bond and the relationship as a whole. 

Harboring these kinds of expectations is a sure way for resentment to be fostered because these expectations cannot be met 100% of the time. If they are met at all, it will be very rare and require your partner to overextend themselves. That is not healthy as it stretches the person too thin. They are bound to snap at some point and that is making a bed for bitter arguments.

Give me some practical advice on how mothers can enhance intimacy in their relationships?

• Mindset

If you are serious about making changes in your life, you must first start with your mind. This is no less true when it comes to building or strengthening the intimacy in your relationship.

You must change the way you view intimacy in the relationship. As I’ve mentioned before, when we think of intimacy, we tend to think of sexual intercourse but you must change that view and recognize that intimacy goes so much deeper.

You must also retrain your brain and refrain from thinking of intimacy as a chore. If you view intimacy as the truest expression of your love for your partner, then you are much more likely to be present in each moment.

• It starts with you (spend time alone)

Kids in the picture mean hardly enough time to spend time together as a couple! So naturally, it means alone time is almost impossible. I’ve explored that concept on my blog but trust me when I say this, intimacy starts with you. 

You NEED to spend time reconnecting with yourself if you ever hope to be truly present with your partner. Alone time also helps you to think of ways you can promote intimacy in your relationship. Alone time helps you to reconnect with the foxy vixen inside you. 

• Build your confidence back

I actually wrote an article on building your body confidence back after having a kid. Because the reality is that, once we have kids our body changes. Because our body changes, it creates insecurities. These insecurities affect our ability to connect and be intimate with our partners.

If you want to build intimacy in your relationship but you struggle with body image issues, you have to work on improving that first. You can’t bury it and you cannot ignore it. You must face the beast head-on. 

Once you’ve conquered it, you’ll be much more able to appreciate yourself. Your experiences won’t be clouded by insecurities and you’ll be much more willing to express your sensuality with your partner. And enjoy it!

• Communicate with your partner

Every healthy, functioning relationship is fueled by effective communication. You must learn to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You must be willing to deal with the tough conversations so you can strengthen the bond with the one you love. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

No, he’s not “supposed to know”. No, it’s not “obvious”. You’re supposed to tell him. You’re supposed to be open and honest about your feelings, wants, and desires. 

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the way you do. Don’t expect your partner to understand or perceive the world the way you do. Release yourself of those toxic expectations so you can openly communicate with your partner.

You shouldn’t be afraid to lovingly communicate with your partner because you deserve intimacy in your relationship just as much as he craves it. And why wouldn’t you? It makes for a much healthier, happier, and stronger relationship.

• Take the initiative (set the mood)

Don’t always rely on your partner to take the initiative. It truly does make a man feel valued and appreciated when he is pursued sometimes. Naturally, as with everything, there is a balance to be maintained because you still want to let him feel as if his primal need to be a hunter is being met.

What you can do is drop subtle hints. Leave him a love note. Send him a dirty text. Wear something revealing for him around the house. Give him a peep show when the kids aren’t looking.

Remember intercourse is only one expression of intimacy but that connection can be greatly enhanced if you include these little things in your daily routine. Intimacy is about the little moments that lead up to the big moment, so take the initiative to create those little moments sometimes. It will go a long way.