Serving in the Armed Forces

Long live everyone who serves in the armed forces.

I met Sanjay in grade 11. I was still listening to U2 and focusing on having fun. Sanjay wanted to join the army and make a difference. After high school, Sanjay headed to military college. He graduated 1st in class. He was promoted to a Captain. On a United Nations peacekeeping mission, he landed on an IED and died instantly. Sanjay paid the ultimate price. He died so we can have our freedom.

I have a deep respect for those who serve in the armed forces. It is a calling. I have often wondered what does the person who is serving feels as he/she heads off on a mission. How does the spouse who remains behind deal with the unknown?

Angela and Joe give us a glimpse into some of the questions I have asked them and there were gracious with their answers. Check out their blog and you will learn a few things.

Angela and Joe, It is a pleasure to have you at Four Columns. I want to know something important about you?

Important, wow, that’s a big word. This question took some thought. We are important to our children because we love and provide for them. We are their rock and safe place. We are important to our families because they love us, and we have a strong bond and loyalty to one another. Society says we are important because we contribute with the work Joe does, with volunteering and raising kids in our community.

Joe is my Rock. Without him, I would survive, but it wouldn’t be easy. He’s my confidant, my stability, my calm and fun place. I know all things are right in the world, even if they really aren’t because I have him by my side for life. Being needed seems to be what makes someone important. But if tomorrow, no one needed us, Christ would still need us to live a life that exemplifies his Love.

Through our Lord, we can be all of these things to everyone, and we can be important to them. Because of Him, they are important to us. Trying our best to lead a life that exemplifies Christ’s love for us, is what is important about us.

Your mini riches are your five kids. I have one, and I know the challenges. Talk to me about raising four boys and a girl?

Having children, by design, slowly prepares you for each of the next phases. You learn a little from the first child, how to handle certain situations with the next child, and the next and the next and the next! I know that having one child presents challenges that we won’t have because we have five. Having five children has its challenges. The house is noisier, messier, and can get pretty chaotic. The great thing is that they have a built-in way to learn essential character traits and life lessons because they have siblings to practice with!

Our oldest three have been praised for how compassionate and caring they are with other children, even children with disabilities that are in their classes. We mostly attribute that to having siblings and, of course, us teaching them the importance of those qualities by practicing them at home.

The boys, generally, adore their sister. Except for when she tears apart their Lego creations, but that is what any 2-year-old would do. They were excited to have a little sister, and take joy in telling her how cute she is when she is. She is only 2, but we believe we haven’t raised her any different from how we raise our boys. We love dinosaurs, baby dolls, trucks, and princesses. It is just as much fun to wrestle as it is to play with stuffed animals.

We could be wrong, but we think one of the most significant differences between having five kids and one child is patience. We are much more patient now than we were four kids ago! We still get frustrated at times, we’re only human, and pre-teens have a way of doing that to you. We don’t cry over spilled milk anymore. We don’t scold the child that spilled it. We clean it up and talk to the child in a calm voice because they, too, are likely just as surprised and not happy about the spilled milk.

One big thing we try to teach our children is that they’re siblings—they are family, and that is important. Friends will come and go, the worldly things will fade away, but family is forever. Treat each other right, the way God intended.

There are also those people who look at you like you’re crazy for having so many kids. We got those looks as soon as we were pregnant with our third. The world needs to quit being so quick to judge people because of the number of children they have. We are doing what is best for us and ours, and we believe y’all should do the same.

Angela, walk me through the challenges of being a military wife. You are pregnant, and your husband heads off to a deployment. What is it like?

It’s not fun. I can tell you that. I cried a little when Joe left because I was going to miss him, his son was going to miss his daddy, and Joe was going to miss all of us deeply. I was only 21 for his first deployment, and 23 for his second. I was still naive about the world. I think it is best described in a quote that was shared with me.

“I remember being too young to be afraid and too immature to realize the gravity of the situation.” —Unknown

That’s not to say I didn’t plan for or consider worse case scenarios. I just didn’t believe it would happen. Part of that was faith, part of it was my bullet-proof mentality. There was no time to waste being sad, depressed, or worried. I had an energetic 2-year-old that needed to be played with and a baby that was about to make his debut.

The morning Joe left, and by morning I’m talking at 2 am, we packed into a two-door car and drove to Ohio from south Mississippi with my mother-in-law and her boyfriend. God bless them for finding ways to make all of our stuff fit into that car and driving 16 hours to get us to my parent’s house, where I would weather most of the deployment.

There were times I would break down and cry my heart out. I would hug my children extra long because I needed it, and so did they. We made friends with a few wives whose husbands were also deployed. We had play-dates twice a week, if not more. It helped pass the time. The darkness would occasionally get to me. I’ve conquered my fear of the dark, but only because my strong and brave husband was there to protect us.

There were many nights I stayed up late watching TV or reading because I didn’t want to turn off the lights without Joe at home. It is an 8 hour and 30-minute time difference between Ohio and Afghanistan, and a 13 hour time difference between Ohio and Japan. I didn’t get to talk to him as often as we had hoped during either deployment. It hurt my heart, but I had to stay strong and keep it together for my kids and my sanity.

Though not part of the question, I think this is a fun story to share. When I went into labor, we contacted Joe’s command, and they sent the message to Joe’s Officer in Charge that I was in labor, and he needed to call me. While in labor, I had a moment of weakness. I cried to my mother that I didn’t want to do this without my husband. I knew I had to. I just didn’t want to. She was a great labor coach. She comforted me through my grief and encouraged me through the contractions. I will be forever grateful for that and everything else she’s done for my family and me. Back to my story, Joe called a few hours later. It was perfect timing because he called at the exact moment our son was entering the world. Joe was able to hear my laboring cries, but more importantly, his son’s first cry.

A family of 7 on one salary. Help me to understand how you do it financially and give us some tips?

You can do without more than you think. We were a one-vehicle family for five years. It made things difficult at times for sure, but it saved us from having a $300 or more car payment each month. That’s $18,000 over five years, not including insurance, interest, and vehicle maintenance that we saved. We shop sales and thrift stores for clothes, use hand-me-downs from friends, and rarely throw out leftovers.

The biggest thing we’ve learned is to know where your money is going. For the last seven years, we have kept a monthly budget. The template we created is a mixture of zero-based budgeting and pay yourself first budgeting. Keeping a monthly budget has been a game-changer for us! Had we been more strict with this when we were newlyweds, we likely would have a lot more saved in the bank right now. We knew where the money was going, but not to the extent we do now.

Every dollar is accounted for and categorized, even if it is categorized as “something extra this month.”  This strategy has helped us cut back where available and make money-conscious decisions when adding new expenses. We also never put ourselves into multi-credit card debt. One card, one bank, and one reward program that has helped us pay for nearly all of our Christmas shopping each year.

I do not want to know your grocery bill. How important food to your family?

Everyone has to eat, and they will eat what momma cooks. Cooking is a labor of love for Angela, and even if our children don’t appreciate the 4+ hours she labored overcooking a delicious meal, she knows it was good for them and tasted terrific. Sometimes, the 20-minute meal gets the most praise. There is no winning if we try to please everyone. Angela tries to make balanced meals that we both like, and that at least 2 of the kids will eat without complaining.

The important part isn’t the food itself; it’s that we share in it together as often as we can. We make an effort to sit, eat, and pray together. Sometimes I miss supper because of my 9-5, but Angela gathers the kids to eat together and bless the meal. We are still considered young, even though we feel old! You have to put in the hard work when you are able and also find a balance between work and family. Without the work, you can’t provide for the family, but without the family, what’s the point? I don’t think anyone has a perfect family and work balance—it is always a work in process.

All right, Joe, talk to me about keeping the sparks alive in a marriage with five kids?

I think it is a myth that you have to go out partying each week, give each other expensive gifts, or spend whole days without your kids, just to keep the spark alive. That is a very worldly focused approach, and it isn’t what our marriage is about. It’s also not realistic when you have five kids and a single income. Some of the sexiest things I can do for my wife are chores, showing her simple affection with a kiss or a hug, and being a loving father to our children. That is the new sexy. I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Learning the love language of your better half is a game-changer.

We also never stopped dating each other. Occasionally we spend a night out on the town, but our dates mostly happen at home. We set time aside for each other at least once a month, or once a week when things aren’t so crazy. Relationships require investments, and like any investment, it takes work and service to one another every day. We try every day to help each other become the best version of ourselves. The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly touches on this quite well.

My wife’s grandparents are celebrating their 65th anniversary this October, and they gave us a great piece of advice a while ago. “Never go to bed angry with each other.” I can’t say we succeed at this 100 percent of the time, but we make a sincere effort. Compromise and apologizing, even if you feel you weren’t in the wrong, are also good marital rules to live by. We’ve done our fair share of both!

Joe, I want to know about the sacrifices a father has to make to raise a family and to also instill values in the next generation?

For me, I don’t feel like I have had to sacrifice anything. I’ve only gained it. I’ve gained more love, more joy, and more purpose. There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing than marriage and fatherhood.

One could say I sacrificed personally. I gave up my military career because it wasn’t meshing well with the family life we wanted. We traded in our boss-of-a-truck for a minivan. Instead of world travel, we visit local parks. All of this, I would consider an upgrade instead of a sacrifice because it improves our family.

Angela and our children mean the world to me. Do I wake up and go to my 9-5 Monday through Friday to keep our lights on? Yes, I do, and I do it because I love us. I do it because I want my children to understand the value of hard work and the importance of respecting and taking care of your responsibilities. Even if that means some late nights, working with difficult people, or pushing through pain.

Children are vigilant and, from our experience, learn mostly from our actions and not just our words. Real success takes real work. It is the parent’s job to emulate that with a happy heart and to think anything otherwise is highly inaccurate.

I’ve been in some pretty rough situations in my life, and my family has always been my rock. Without them, where would I be? I can assure you I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today because I can’t think of any other life I’d rather be living.

Angela, talk to me about how we can use peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, forgiveness, and loving people unconditionally to make society better?

Mother Teresa said, “If you want to change the world, go home, and love your family.” When we truly love our family, we are able to live and teach these principles to our children. They can then live them in their lives, and hopefully, be an example to others. It’s like a ripple in the water. It starts small, with just us and our kids, but as each person interacts with another person, and another, the effects of love grows as a ripple grows in a lake. Growing much larger than where it started, and with these principles, having a beautiful and positive effect on our society.

I speak from my experience with our children and the life we have lived, but I believe this advice can be received by all.

Have peace in your own heart, happiness is being contented with your life as it is right now, but still, strive to do better. Some days I feel like I’m drowning, but I make it a point to find joy because that will bring me peace and is my metaphorical life-saver.

Show patience to everyone. Accept that they too have struggles in life, and your impatience or anger will not make things better. You can only control yourself, and that control could mean the difference between a good or bad outcome.

Kindness, Gentleness, and Compassion are the answers to negativity. Have you ever yelled at your child because they were yelling at their siblings, or even you? Does it make the child stop and love you more? Of course not, because that is not what they received from you. The same is true with adults. Be gentle with your words, show kindness with your actions, and be compassionate to others’ struggles. When you act this way towards others, it plants a seed in their mind that they too can be kind and compassionate and have a positive effect on the world.

“Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” Matthew 16:19.

It is so important to forgive someone who wrongs you, to seek forgiveness when you have wronged another, and to forgive yourself when you’ve done something wrong. I think it may even be harder to forgive yourself than another person at times. You don’t want unforgiveness to hold you back from eternal glory. So forgive yourself, and those you do not agree with or have done wrong by you. By forgiving, we are releasing another person’s control over us. When that control is released, we can live and give these principles freely to others and ourselves.

Lastly, unconditional love. It may be the key to all of the other principles. Without it, it is a struggle to forgive, to be kind or compassionate, to be patient enough. As Pope Francis said, “Life is good when you are happy, but much better when others are happy because of you.” Loving without reservation means you see value in that life, no matter their faults. It doesn’t mean you condone their sins, just that you see their God-given beauty—they are a person worth loving.