Helping children cope with back-to-school anxiety involves addressing their concerns, providing support, and creating a positive environment. It is important to encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns about going back to school. Listen actively without judgment and validate their emotions. Be approachable and create an open space for them to share their thoughts. Visit the school before the first day to familiarize your child with the environment. I recommend reintroducing a school-year routine a few weeks before school starts. Communicate the positive aspects of going back to school, such as reuniting with friends, learning new things, and engaging in fun activities. Involve your child in shopping for school supplies and picking out a backpack or lunchbox. This helps build excitement and a sense of readiness. Practice common school scenarios, such as introducing themselves, asking for help, or navigating the school building. This will help your child with back-to-school anxiety.

Valerie is a graduate of English and Japanese from U.C. Berkeley. Valerie has been in education for over 15 years. She has taught all age groups: pre-k, kinder, elementary, middle school, and high school. She has always wanted to be an educator from a young age and has taught English in Japan.

Valerie talks to me about her experience in Japan,  the U.S. educational system, and how it can be revitalized and back to school anxiety.

Walk me through what you learned in Japan and how that experience shaped you.

Flash forward to 2010, and I finally applied to an English language school in Japan – just before the Tohuku earthquake. I was accepted to teach at an English school in Nagoya, Japan. I worked there for a while and met great people. I learned a lot about how Japan teaches English to its students. It was a valuable experience, but I wanted to work at a school. That’s when I found the international school.

I spent about eight years in Japan. I served on the curriculum committee and taught children’s theatre, p.e., science, math, and English. It was a transformative experience for me. I became a teacher.

Our kindergarteners were reading at a third-grade reading level. They didn’t sit in chairs for extended periods either. They played. We danced. They wrote fun stories. I didn’t know children were capable of reading at such a young age, but they are.

Help me understand why you want to revitalize education and what part.

I returned to the United States in 2018. I was selected to open a school in Honolulu, so in 2018, I moved to Hawaii. I did everything from the ground up. I worked closely with licensing, hired the staff, and created the business paperwork. It was a challenging but rewarding experience. I met some great people. Unfortunately, in 2019, my mother fell ill, and I decided to move back to Los Angeles.

If you’re noticing the timeline, this happened just before Covid hit. In a way, I was lucky because I was in a unique position to earn my teaching credential during the lockdown. I appreciated all I learned in the credentialing program, but I think the education system in America is lacking.

I had some great mentors and met highly motivated colleagues in the program, many of whom are great teachers. There’s nothing wrong with the people who serve in education, but I think there is a problem with how we view education and the expectations for educators.

We (teachers) don’t ever stop working. That’s a generalization, but I am in many different teacher groups, and teachers are always asking about their students, ways to help them do this or that, ways to teach various ideas, and seeking support from parents. Teaching is a profession, a career.

I want to revitalize education, not just for teachers but for our society. In many ways, I don’t think we optimize learning for anything other than testing. We need to optimize learning (and teaching) for long-term retention.

At the same time, we change the way society views teachers. We have a unique skill set. We spend years training, and our training continues every year.

We need to reframe and energize education to revitalize it using what I’ve learned in Japan and in other countries I’ve studied.

How does reading help our children?

Reading enhances a child’s vocabulary, language skills, and comprehension abilities. According to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, reading to young children is critical for their language development and readiness for academic success. Additionally, reading fosters imagination and creativity. It opens up new worlds and perspectives, allowing children to explore different cultures, ideas, and emotions. Reading also improves concentration and discipline, as it requires focus and mental engagement. It is also a source of comfort and relaxation, offering a healthy escape and a way to manage stress.

You talk a lot about back-to-school anxiety. How can we help our children deal with anxiety?

Each school year brings a new set of challenges for children. Children experience separation anxiety and have anxiety over friendships and newness. If we recognize the signs early, we can get ahead of it, and help kids prepare for their new environment.

Establishing a routine before school starts and gradually adjusting bedtimes and meal times to match the school schedule will help children adjust.

Open communication is key. Encourage children to express their feelings and concerns. There are lots of books available for kids starting school. Reading them together can help alleviate stress and anxiety.

For example, parents and caretakers can take a tour of the school. Kids can see the school and maybe even meet their new teacher.

Parents can write a note for their kids and leave it in their lunchbox or prepare something special for snack time.

Additionally, maintaining a positive attitude about school and learning can be contagious; children often mirror the attitudes of adults around them.

Please tell me a little about the city you live in and the food scene.

I live in South Pasadena, CA. It’s retained the small-town feel, and I would say it’s pretty different from other areas.

You’ll find a range of cuisines, from traditional American to Asian, Mexican, and beyond. We have a great place that makes Japanese riceballs. We also have a family-owned Hawaiian restaurant. And pastries! We have excellent bakeries in South Pasadena!

The city hosts various farmers’ markets offering fresh, local produce. I go every Thursday. The food is delicious.

South Pasadena’s commitment to supporting local businesses means that many of these eateries are unique and offer a personal touch in their service and menu offerings. It’s a great place to visit.

In your own words, what does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Women’s empowerment means providing women with equal access to education, healthcare, employment, and political spaces. It’s not just about providing opportunities but also respecting and valuing women’s choices, whether in pursuing careers, raising families, or both.

Empowerment is also about giving women the tools and confidence to voice their opinions in all aspects of society. It’s a commitment to creating an environment where we recognize women’s rights as human rights.

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Living a life beyond fears is a powerful and transformative journey that involves both self-reflection and intentional action.

It is critical to identify and acknowledge the specific fears that hold you back.  Explore the origins of your fears and understand how they may be rooted in past experiences or limiting beliefs. Embrace the reality of your fears without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means acknowledging your feelings without letting them control you. Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that contribute to your fears. Develop and repeat positive statements that counteract your fears.

Take small, incremental steps to confront your fears rather than trying to overcome them all at once.  Enlist the help of friends, family, or a therapist to provide encouragement and guidance as you face your fears. Instead of viewing failures as roadblocks, see them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Remember that overcoming fear is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to seek professional help if needed. A therapist or counselor can offer guidance and support as you work towards living a life beyond fear.

Cindy Moore is a unique blogger and has a unique take on life. She focuses on living life beyond fears, limitations, and her comfort zone and embraces a sense of wonderment and adventure. She recently started a healing journey. She changed her diet and has become healthy. Cindy shares some amazing experiences and her path to living a fulfilled life.

Cindy, help me understand what it means when you say you are a woman on a journey and living life beyond fears?

I spent most of my life living in fear, playing it safe, and staying well within my comfort zone. Two deaths, close together, helped me to realize that I no longer wanted to spend another moment of my life living in fear and playing it safe. My journey began as an inner one with facing my fears. My decision to move beyond my comfort zone launched a year of trying a new experience every day. My blogging journey began simultaneously as a way to chronicle those new experiences.

You talk a lot about enchantment, surrender, and inspiration. Break it down for me?

After moving beyond my comfort zone, by trying new experiences, my whole life opened up. I recognized that life is meant to be experienced as a magical or enchanted journey and that the Divine offers help and guidance for that journey. I see life differently than I used to and I see signs and wonders everywhere that delight me and encourage me to keep going. Every day I have ongoing conversations with the Divine that lead me to new people, opportunities, and yes, experiences. Surrender involves letting go of the familiar and allowing myself to be carried, in the “Flow of Life”, to those new people, opportunities, and experiences. It involves trust and builds a sense of adventure. I know I’ve moved out of the flow of life when I feel resistance to an opportunity or experience.

Please explain what it means to live beyond fears, limitations, and comfort zone?

Living Beyond, for me, means to move past those fears, limitations, and comfort zones by trusting that the journey meant for me is for my greatest and highest good and also for the good of others in my life. Fear shuts me down and stops me from moving forward. Living Beyond opens me up to possibilities and expands my thinking and perspective so that I can see life in a bigger way. As fresh opportunities arrive, I say “yes”, which moves me beyond my comfort zone as I try new things. Limitations are old ways of thinking and doing things. Going Beyond means I’m willing to open to new ways of thinking and doing things. Comfort zones keep us safe and also keep us from trying something that feels scary or uncomfortable. I believe in living beyond fears.

Give me some examples of embracing a sense of wonderment and adventure?

Embracing wonderment and adventure means living with a higher awareness of all that is going on in my life and seeing the connectedness of all things. Two years ago, I played a game that I created, in which I wrote 30 different activities on slips of paper and dropped them into a jar. Each day I drew out an activity and did it. What I quickly realized was that the activities, drawn at random, perfectly matched the amount of time I had each day or, amazingly, the weather. I only had two rainy day activities in the jar. I drew both of them on the only two rainy days I had during the month. What are the odds of that? That’s wonderment and that’s trust. It’s also the Divine at work in my life. When I asked the Divine, in amazement, “Do you want to play with me?”, the answer I received back was “Do you want to play with ME?” My answer was YES and my life hasn’t been the same since.

What is the main reason for your blog and what are you trying to achieve?

The purpose of Cindy Goes Beyond is to help readers realize that life can be lived at the edges…of comfort zones, limitations and fears. We can live BIG lives and experience joy, wonderment, and enchantment if we develop higher awareness. I share posts around nature, gardening, travel, and the inner journey…all with the intention of helping others to see what an enchanted life looks like.

Talk to me about some challenges you have been through and how you dealt with it and are thriving?

I grew up very fearful of many things. However, my primary fear was to live as the person I was created to be. I am an intuitive and yet I feared my abilities and tried to separate that “weird” part of me from my “normal” self. That didn’t work. It only shut down my creative side. Moving past my fears and accepting myself exactly as I am opened the door to my creative side again. And I moved beyond my fears by facing them and sitting with them and exploring my intuitive side. As I learned more about who I am and what I can do, the fears subsided.

Give yourself some advice when you were 16, 26, and 36?

Age 16: Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Spend your teen years getting to know yourself. And don’t be so concerned about what other people think. Be you, without hiding, without pretending to be someone else, just so people will feel comfortable around you. You are afraid because you don’t understand who you are.

Age 26: Enjoy these years with your young family. Encourage your son and daughters to be fully who they are, by showing them who you are. They will follow your example. Continue to invest in yourself by doing the things that bring you joy.

Age 36: This is your time to shine, as a woman. Banish any lingering fears and self-doubts and pursue the life you want. Know fully what your purpose in life is and don’t let anything get in your way as you live from that place of intentional being.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Empowerment for women starts with complete acceptance of who we are. It’s an inner journey that manifests as an outer journey. We must learn to parent ourselves, if we had bad parents, and love ourselves deeply and fully if our spouses/lovers have not done that for us. We cannot look to others to do these things for us. We set ourselves free, and the people in our lives free, when we do not need acceptance and love to come from outside ourselves. Once we are free, we can help to free others to live extraordinary lives.

Give my female audience three pieces of advice?

Accept yourself completely. The journey to self-love begins with self-acceptance. Love yourself fully by embracing who you are and then really live from that space. Be you…and find the things that you enjoy doing. That is your passion.

Pursue your passion. Share your passion with others as you journey and you will make a difference in the lives of others.

How important are food, faith, finance, and family to you? How do you find a balance and prioritize among them?

They are all connected. The food we eat provides the building blocks for our bodies. The foods we choose can nourish and heal…or they can slowly poison us to death by fostering disease. I embraced a plant-based lifestyle three years ago, to heal my body of various ailments. There is no turning back for me. I am healthier than I have ever been and living life beyond fears has helped.

A second blog, Journey With Healthy Me was born from that decision to take charge of my health and help others do the same. I’ve discovered that as I healed, my desire increased to help others heal, and then even further out, I developed a deep desire to heal the planet as well. Faith is extremely important to me. I believe God, or the Divine, guides me daily. I listen through prayer and meditation but I also receive through songs, random conversations, signs, and intuition. Finances, or money, comes as we connect with who we are and do that which we are created to do. My family is my legacy. My children and grandchildren learn by my example and through our conversations. It is important for me to live a joy-filled, enchanted life so that they have “permission” to do the same.

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I admire Sakshi Shrivastava.

Sakshi Shrivastava talks openly about her mental health and deals with it. Sakshi Shrivastava is real, vulnerable, unguarded, and answers without a stitch.

Is it any wonder that she has more than 30,000 followers on Linkedin?

Recently, a senior manager of communication for a non-profit asked how come I have so many followers on social media. This senior manager had a blog, a degree in communications, and had the title but no followers or readers on her site.

We can learn a lot from Sakshi Shrivastava. She does not make excuses. She has accepted the cards dealt to her. Give her a lemon and she makes lemonade. She has taken her empathy and compassion to another level by taking care of street dogs.

Sakshi has accepted her limitations and realized hey let’s become an entrepreneur.

In life when you are transparent, real, vulnerable, and speak from the heart, people are attracted to you.

As you read about Sakshi here is my call to action for you. How do you view your weaknesses? How do you deal with the cards that life has thrown at you? Do you become critical, and blame everyone else? Or do you look in the mirror and become empowered?

Sakshi, welcome to Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

While writing answers to your questions, I left this one for the last. I’ve been a little intimidated by this one, but let’s do this with one of the things I adore — lists!

1. I’m a 27-year-old mom of two adopted ex-street dogs
2. I’m the co-founder of a digital marketing agency
3. I’m an animal activist and co-founder of Paw People, on a mission to improve the lives of street animals
4. I’m a lefty
5. I have a tattoo of a book on my wrist and an honors degree in English Literature
6. I love lifting weights in the gym
7. I’m kind of a tech junkie, I love flashy new gadgets
8. I battled depression, anxiety, and burnout and continue to raise awareness around it
9. I love social media! I’m very active on LinkedIn and Instagram
10. I don’t understand poetry, but I like to pretend that I do

I love the name of your company Digital Curry. Talk to me about it. How did you come up with the idea?

I’m as desi (you might have to Google the term, it’s a Hindi word but I’m sure you can find a way to add it to your daily vocabulary) as it gets. Digital Curry is a flavourful brainchild born out of passion, spice, and everything nice. 

We wanted our business to represent the freshness we bring to the world of B2B marketing. Needless to say, we got a little ‘curried’ away and so, TDC came to life.

Walk me through the process of quitting your job and becoming an entrepreneur.

You know how there’s a feeling inside your heart telling you that you’re born to be an entrepreneur, to be your own boss, to live life on your own rules? Yeah, I didn’t have that at all. 

I always enjoyed my perfectly laid out KPIs, task lists, and limited liabilities. I loved the comfort of a steady paycheck every month. But after COVID hit, like a lot of other people I ended up with burnout. Couldn’t stand going to work at all and I had the privilege of leaving my job so I took the plunge.

I took a break for a month and started freelancing. In just a couple of months, the demand grew more than I could manage by myself so, my partner Abhishek quit his job too and joined in to build TDC with me and we officially launched in January 2022.

Help me understand your vision, mission, and unique value proposition. 

Love this question. Here’s the thing — we were both accidental entrepreneurs. We were never obsessed with the idea of building huge businesses and getting expensive exits down the line.

One thing we’ve always been passionate about is our love for dogs. We have two adopted dogs at home, they helped me through some of the most difficult phases of our lives. So we decided to find passion through the power of doing good. 

Ever since we built TDC, we have been using 10% (or more if needed) of all our top-line revenue to feed street dogs. It started with a handful of dogs and today, we feed about 60 street dogs daily. We’ve also rescued two dogs, and regularly take part in helping vaccinate and neuter them with local NGOs.

So, our vision is to scale TDC while working with brands that believe in the power of doing good. Business has to mean more than just making a profit. We want to work with brands that believe in doing more.

We plan on building our first dog shelter by the end of this year, followed by multiple others across the county. With TDC, we want to bring real change in real lives and we’ll move mountains to do it.  

As a women entrepreneur, do you face any cultural or gender bias?

So far, I haven’t noticed any significant difference between how I’m treated in comparison to how Abhishek (my male co-founder) is treated. All the people I’ve talked to have been respectful, and considerate, and did not treat me differently just because I’m a woman. 

Is women empowerment a buzzword? In your own words, what is women’s empowerment?

Yes and no. My understanding of it has evolved a lot over the last few years. For me, equality does not end with empowering modern women who are ready to fight for their rights. It has to be more inclusive than that. 

I now focus on building more inclusive ideas of gender equality, where there’s a place for trans-women, women from challenging financial circumstances, women to conform to the norms of society while empowering the next generation in their capacity, also men who face discrimination, and amongst others.

Women empowerment has been thrown around a lot, especially by huge corporations without a lot of actual groundwork. So, it’s a buzzword when it’s used as a buzzword. At the same time, I know many people from all different genders that are doing phenomenal work in bringing actual change in society.

In the Indian culture are you talking more about mental health? Or is it put under the carpet?

As a very vocal mental health advocate, I’ve seen both. Quick background about myself: I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in my last year of college, was on medication for almost two years and had a lot of therapy. Then had a burnout in 2020.

All of this has been pretty public on my social media. I’m very active on LinkedIn with a substantial readership, so I make a point to share my experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they are to share. This normalizes not being okay and more and more people open up.

We need to note that my background is still very privileged. My parents recommended I see a psychiatrist when I felt low, I could leave my job when I was burnt out, I could afford therapy, I could open up about my struggles and it did not affect my job.

This isn’t the case for everyone. So, I’ve been noticing a major shift in how we talk about mental health but at the same time, all of us live in a bubble. That bubble could be big or small, but we never get to see the actual vast spectrum of experiences others from different backgrounds have. 

Why is mental health not given the same importance as physical and financial health?

If I break my leg, I can’t hide it. People will know I have a broken leg. If I go bankrupt, people will know. If I’m depressed, I can smile it away and nobody will know unless I tell them.

There are many reasons contributing to the shushing of mental health, the stigma, the lack of understanding, the fear of judgment, and the cost to treat it. 

When I share my experiences with mental health, I get tons of comments from people publicly sharing their stories. At the same time, I also get a lot of DMs of people silently opening up about their struggles because they’re afraid their peers will see it and judge them.

I’m sure the narrative is changing very rapidly, but what we need to keep the momentum going is more inclusive conversations on a range of different platforms. Mental health is still an issue that many cannot even afford to think about. We need to make sure it does not end up becoming something that only privileged people know and care about.

I want to know something unique about your city and the food scene.

I’ve lived in 5 cities by now. So, we’ll need to do another piece about this question entirely if I go in depth about it but let me talk about Indian food. I pride myself on being a foodie and I’m happy to say that I live in heaven. From 5-star hotels to street food, it’s all a blessing. 

If you’re into sweet food, you’ll never leave India. If you’re into spicy food, I’m sure I don’t have to explain how India is the spice heaven of the world. If any of your readers decide to visit India, I hope they reach out to me, I’ll take them out to try the best food they can find!

I love your wicked sense of humor. So tell me a few jokes.

Haha, on the contrary, I’ll give you a very bland answer. 

I’m not a jokes person, you know? My humor is very situational. I’m the one who tells those jokes that if you weren’t there, they will mean nothing to you. I do like to think I’m funny, as much as my partner gets tired of my relentless puns and dad jokes, he’s told me one of the reasons he decided to spend his life with me is because I make him laugh. 

The post Sakshi Shrivastava: Digital Curry appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Emotional wounds are not the same as physical wounds.

My body is scarred with physical wounds. I played squash for 15 years. Every muscle, ligament, and bone was torn or sprained at some point. The family doctor and the physiotherapist told me to give it up and focus on swimming and walking. I have cuts, bruises, and gashes all over my body from years of being a boxer, playing soccer, and playing pranks. All the physical wounds have healed.

Emotional wounds, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Emotional wounds can result from watching a crime, bankruptcy, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, car accident, emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical abuse, death of a loved one, or any traumatic situation.  The symptoms are a change in personality, lack of joy, lack of interest in life, loneliness, anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and anxiety.

You have to become intentional in healing these wounds by assessing them, cleaning them, stitching them, bandaging them and taking care of them, and being aware of trigger points.

I am super excited to present Lesa Henderson to my readers.

Lesa Henderson is a dynamic, candid, inspirational speaker, minister, author, and filmmaker.

Her transparency and straightforward approach coupled with prophetic insight place her in great demand for conferences and churches.

Her passion for Christ and desire to see wounded women restored and healed through the power and love of God comes across in her books, blogs, sermons, and teaching. It has also led her to minister healing for soul wounds & emotional trauma of women in prison, as well as to lead Women Warriors of God Conferences around the nation; where she and the Warrior’s team are seeing countless women set free both physically and emotionally.

Lesa and her husband, Ken are revivalists who pastor Salt Life Church on Merritt Island, FL, where they also lead Cornerstone Global Ministries & Media and are the founders of Cornerstone School of Supernatural Ministry.

Lesa, a pleasure to have you. There is so much I want to ask you. Let’s start by talking about Christmas. I am a big fan of focusing on His Presence rather than presents. How is Christmas relevant to us in the 21st Century? 

I’m a big fan of focusing on that as well.  We live in such a commercialized, material world that it’s easy to lose that focus and get caught up in the shopping, spending madness.  This year we are celebrating Hannukah as well as Christmas, each night we light a candle we focus on inviting Christ – the light of the world to be a light in our home and lives.   Whatever you celebrate, it’s relevant when you make the focus be on Christ.  Especially now in this economy and the times we are living in.  It’s actually more relevant than ever I believe as we approach His soon return.

The world is hurting. COVID 19 has exacerbated the situation. You talk about giving your hurts, pains, and brokenness to God. Walk me through this process? Should I just read my Bible, trust God and pray about it? 

Yes.  It is that simple.  And yet as simple as this is – we struggle doing it.  Or at least I do.  It’s much easier for me to worry, fret and lose sleep over the hurts and pains.   But God really does want us to bring them to Him.  And reading the Word is one of the key steps in the process for me.  It reminds me of the truth – His Word is truth.  It helps me to overcome the fear and lies I am believing.  It reminds me of His faithfulness.  In my prayer time, I’m very honest with God – He knows anyway, so for example I may say, “Father I’m feeling right now like you don’t hear me or care about ________,  but I know that’s not true.  Your word says ______, Help me to stand on that and trust you.  Help my unbelief and rest in your promise and faithfulness.”  I may have to do this repetitively until I find peace or the problem is solved.

As I get older, I am learning to embrace pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is hard but important. As I read your blog and book, listen to your sermons and teaching, your DNA is all about helping wounded women through the love of God. Where do the wounds come from and how does His love restore women?

Wounds come from many areas, childhood traumas, broken relationships, marriage, even church.  But what I’ve found through ministering to thousands of women is that almost all wounds begin in our childhood.  The enemy starts early with his attack on us and he knows if he can plant lies in our mind about who we are (our identity) or about what we believe about our heavenly father we will carry those lies with us into relationships and they will hinder our walk with God.  But the Love of God is so powerful.  When we have a full revelation of the Father’s love for us, of how much He really is a good, good father it changes us.  It heals us.  I do a teaching on how daddy wounds from our childhood affect our relationship with God and the ability to believe how deeply He loves us and accept that love.

Give my female audience practical tips on motherhood and being a wife?

First, know or learn your worth as a daughter of the king. This will translate to how you treat your children and husband and how you expect to be treated.  Keep your relationship with God first, your husband next, and then your children.  Give yourself grace. You’re not perfect and you’re not going to be. When you make mistakes with your children ( and you will) admit it to them and ask their forgiveness.  This will not make you look small in their eyes – the contrary is true.  Honor your husband.  Honor and respect are very important to men.  Don’t take yourself so seriously.  Time spent with your husband and kids is far more important than the things you buy them or how clean your house is. I could go on and on…not from a seat of expertise but from one of failures and wisdom gained.

My daughter will be turning 18 very soon. She comes to you for dating advice. Help me understand what you will tell her and why? And please include dating advice for women in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

I would tell your daughter something I said earlier, “Know or discover your worth as a daughter of the King.  Don’t date anyone who doesn’t also see that and treat you accordingly.”  Don’t go looking for a date but let God bring Him to you.   And here’s something I recommend to all women dating – get inner healing (healing for soul wounds or childhood trauma).  This will help you make better decisions on who to date and will help prevent you from dating or marrying the same mistake in different skin over and over again.  Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

You were the producer, executive producer, and director of Hope Has A Name. What is it about? Why should we watch it? And please give my audience hope for 2022?

Hope Has A Name is an award-winning documentary about women around the world bringing extraordinary hope in unlikely places.  They are hidden heroes, not doing what they do not for a platform or platitudes but simply to bring hope to the hopeless through the love of God.  There are some pretty amazing women including Heidi Baker featured in the film.  And we are honored to have the endorsement of Lisa Bevere. Watch it and it will encourage you to stop making excuses and do something! It’s available on Amazon Prime and Tubi and many other outlets.

The Hope for 2022 is Jesus.  His name is the hope of the nations.  Jesus Is King.  He is still on the throne and heaven has not been taken over by Hell.  Our trust and confidence must remain in Him.  No matter what is yet to come, He will take us through. He is a sure foundation.

Help me understand the premise of your book Someone To Trust. Is there really such a thing as romance? Or it was created in the liberal halls of Hollywood with unrealistic expectations?

Someone To Trust is a Christian Contemporary romance based around finding love and forgiveness after betrayal.  The Heroine, Megan has been betrayed twice in her life, by the men she loved.  She has been presented the opportunity to love again, but she first has to get past her mistrust of men, find forgiveness for them and herself.  And,  most importantly accept the love and grace of her Heavenly father offers.  Someone To Trust is now available both in print and Kindle Unlimited.

I want to ask you about how do you balance being an author, filmmaker, wife, mother, speaking at conferences, and taking care of the women in your congregation?

Hah!  Good question,  when I figure that out, I’ll get back to you.  Just kidding, sort of.  It’s often a juggling event and I often end up dropping the ball.  I have to really pray and seek guidance as to what my focus needs to be on the most in the season.  It is also about stopping for the one.  The one in front of you, I try to practice that.  This enables me to help the women in my congregation who are needing my attention.   Two things that help me balance is keeping my relationship and personal time with God a priority!  If that is comprised, everything else is and I’m a mess.  The second is keeping my family a priority above all the other endeavors.  His grace is truly sufficient and I find His strength really is made perfect in my weakness.

The post Healing Emotional Wounds appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

We all need healing.

Every human being you come across is hurting. We all have to face trauma, loneliness, abandonment, grief, loss, divorce, death, sadness, struggles, and the challenges of life. As a result, we all have stuff hidden in the closet. Those who deal with it come out ahead and experience healing. Those who keep it inside to fester and rot. The results are not very good.

Four Columns has spoken to Hannah Siller, Sara Felushko, Brenda, Valerie Fitzpatrick, Tara Lalonde, and various other professionals who talk about dealing with issues that afflict our lives.

We focus so much on our physical, spiritual, and financial health. However, we ignore our mental health. Thrive, empower yourself, and get help.

I talk to Mary Beth, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who talks about the ‘not good enough’ stuff in our lives that we stuff and never deal with it.

Mary Beth, a privilege to have a Licensed Professional Counselor at Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

Thank you for this opportunity! As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have also done my own work in therapy. It’s incredibly important for ALL therapists to have gone to therapy and worked on their own struggles because we ALL have them. For me, I struggled for years with depression, anxiety, and a lot of trauma I never dealt with from childhood. I thought that I would never be able to heal. 

Fortunately, I was in a life-threatening car wreck that gave me a “real” reason, in the eyes of society and mine at the time, to go to therapy. I used the word “fortunately” because if not for my wreck, I probably wouldn’t have begun my own healing journey in therapy. 

It forced me to look at all of my “stuff” that caused such pain throughout my entire life. I then learned that it was actually possible to heal, have a peaceful life and love myself. After that, I decided to go to graduate school while I was physically unable to work. My healing showed me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and that is to help others on their healing journeys. 

I have heard about hiding stuff in the closet. I like your phrase about not good enough stuff. Tell me a little more? 

As I begin my own healing journey, I realized that a lot of my emotional struggles were a result of never feeling good enough. As a psychotherapist, I began noticing the root of almost every client’s emotional pain came from that same “not good enough” feeling. 

One day I was in a session with a client and the words, “you’re not good enough stuff” just fell out of my mouth. My client knew exactly what I was referring to. Now, I use that phrase with every client I work with and they immediately know what I am referring to. 

To get a visual of what I mean with Not Good Enough Stuff, imagine a character opposite of Santa Claus. That character dumped a bag of all your fears, negative thoughts, sadness, shame, and repressed feelings down a chimney that then becomes forever attached to you. That bag is your Not Good Enough Stuff. We all have Not Good Enough Stuff and we can all learn how to heal it. That’s why my blog is called Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Many of us carry hurts, scars, bruises, anger, resentment, and bitterness for years and never deal with it. Help me understand what that does to you when you do not deal with it vs dealing with it? 

Yes, we sure do! When we don’t deal with any of that in a healthy way, our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff gets bigger and bigger. That spills over into every single aspect of our lives, resulting in depression, anxiety, difficulties in relationships, self-esteem and so much more.

It leaves us feeling like we are so screwed up or broken, but nobody is EVER broken. We simply get lost from our true soul identities and decided our emotional pain was our identity, but that is NEVER the case. Looking at that hurt allows us to return to who we truly are, removed from our bad experiences. 

Why do we humans struggle so much with ‘am I good enough’. Is it the media? Is it social media? Why are we so insecure? 

Ah! I love this question. One of the topics I often write about is this very question. Also, I love doing motivational speaking on this topic.

Not Good Enough Stuff comes from just about every aspect of our lives. For many people, it begins with our parents or caregivers. 

Our parents and caregivers have their own Not Good Enough Stuff. If they don’t work to heal that, they unknowingly and often subconsciously put all of that on their children. That’s why we have so much generational trauma because nobody before us did any healing. So, we are actually carrying trauma and Not Good Enough Stuff from every generation that precedes us. Whew! That can be scary and sad to think about. 

Jerry, you’re also correct in thinking that social media now plays a part in our Not Good Enough Stuff. We get lost in comparing ourselves to the perfect “sliver” of lives we see others posting. Also, society, culture, and religion often play a big part in adding to our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Society, culture, and religion seem to have strayed from their roots of love and acceptance for many people. That results in us believing we are not good enough for society, culture, and religion. We are presented with an unattainable image of who we are “supposed” to be in life. That causes Not Good Enough Stuff. I have a blog post about this topic.

There is a constant battle between good and evil for our soul. I am fascinated by your take on it. Walk me through it? 

I think every little, tiny, baby soul brought into this world is beautiful and good. So, then how do we end up with so many “evil” people? Those precious baby souls get piles of Not Good Enough Stuff dumped on them that eventually grow so large that they see no way of healing to get out of it. Those unhealed piles lead them to thrust their Not Good Enough Stuff on the world in hopes of making themselves feel good., even if that is done by hurting others.

Let’s take a look at Hitler. Everybody in the world will agree that he was evil. I’m not arguing with that. However, if you look at Hitler’s childhood you will see how his severe trauma created a pile of Not Good Enough Stuff so large that he was desperate to feel the power and get the attention that severely lacked for him. Very few people are ever taught how to get healthy attention. We can include Hitler in that group. 

Hitler found a way to get a tremendous amount of attention in one of history’s most notoriously negative and evil ways. His enormous pile of Not Good Enough Stuff was thrust upon Jewish people in order to make him feel powerful. 

Please understand that I am not dismissing the insane amount of pain he inflicted upon so many. I am just giving you an extreme example of how I believe Not Good Enough Stuff can create more evil than we could ever imagine. I’m not forgiving Hitler by any means. However, I do have sadness for the little baby soul of Hitler that existed before it turned into one of the biggest evil souls the world has ever seen. 

I love peace and joy. Talk to me about how we can achieve it? 

Yes, peace and joy. Those two words, in addition to self-love, are lacking for so many people. I know that I lacked all of that for the majority of my life. Attaining those seemed impossible until I began my own healing work. As cheesy and cliché as it may seem, self-love is the only way to achieve true peace and joy. 

For me, the way I achieved peace and joy and the way my clients learn to do so, is accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like and probably beat yourself up over. An example of this is how I used to be so ashamed of my temper and anger outbursts. 

Now, when it was extreme I didn’t consciously have shame because I thought people deserved what I dumped on them. After sludging through my healing journey, I realized that nobody, including myself, deserved the wrath of my anger. 

I began exploring that there might be a positive side to my temper and anger outbursts. Passion! I realized that my temper had benefited me in some ways because it showed me what I was passionate about in life. 

For example, when somebody treated me or somebody else poorly, I lashed out in very grand and unhealthy ways. Eventually, I was able to see that my anger was simply my passion. Everybody deserves to be treated well, but that didn’t happen in my childhood as it should have. So, I thought I had to fight for myself and others to get it. 

Stepping back from that anger, I realized that my passion protected me when I didn’t know-how. So, I have gratitude for that misguided passion. Now, I can love and accept that “temper’ that can flare up instead of being ashamed of it. Also, I can let go of the hatred I had for it because it was important in my growth and healing journey. 

I am a big believer in practicing patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness. Do we have anything in common? 

We sure do! I could write a book on each one of those you mentioned, but I’ll try to be much briefer than a book. Also, I am available for motivational speaking on this topic.

I think the reason so many people struggle with each of those is that it was probably absent from their lives when they needed it. We all deserve to receive all of those you mentioned, but it is so hard to do when you are sitting in the midst of your Not Good Enough Stuff. 

I want to make sure I mention the most important part of those qualities AND the hardest, which is having those important qualities towards ourselves. When I work with my clients we start this kind of work by exploring and healing the inner child.

I am currently working on blog posts about how to do that. So, if anybody is interested in learning how to heal his/her inner child, they can subscribe to my blog to get those posts emailed to them when they are published. 

I’d be lying if I said that I’m always able to offer those qualities to others. There are certainly times where my temper flares and those beautiful qualities I worked so hard to have, go flying out the window. 

After I process what happened, I can then look back and see that the true soul of the person who hurt me is lacking patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness for themselves. They have their Not Good Enough Stuff they haven’t healed AND they deserve to heal, even if they hurt me.

To come and see you, we have to accept we are broken and need healing. It is a process. Some of these are deep. Tell me more? 

I don’t ever use the word “broken” because most people’s pain stems from childhood. However, my clients usually begin their first session telling me they are broken. Once we began looking at their pain and see that it began in childhood, I ask them if they would tell a little child that he or she was broken. Of course, they answer with a big, fat “no.” 

So, then I explain that their pain is from their inner child who needed love but was never broken. Keep in mind that most people struggle with acknowledging that their pain came from childhood. I hear clients all the time say they had a “good childhood.” 

Emotional trauma looks much different to a child than it does to an adult. For adults, trauma is a violent experience, loss, and other “major” life-changing events. For a child who doesn’t yet have adult brain development, something that seems as simple as being called, “lazy” or “clumsy” several times can have the same impact as a “major” life-changing event that an adult experiences. 

I find women are more relational. They get together, they talk about their issues. Men do not and become an island.  I personally find women do a lot better after the age of 45 than men?

I think you are correct for the most part. However, when women get together to “vent” to their friends, there is often so much that they hide even from their best friends because of shame and fear of not being understood. 

That is the same reason that men become an island. Society and most cultures teach men that they are supposed to be “strong.” So, any semblance of portraying weakness is so incredibly scary.

I love working with men as a psychotherapist. I help guide them through the exploration of vulnerability to see it as a strength. I have had a men’s therapy group that was so incredibly healing for the group members. To have a group of men share their fears, pain and struggles are one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

So, for the men out there, I challenge you to see that therapy and vulnerability are huge signs of strength because those are so hard to do. It goes against what you were taught. If therapy and vulnerability were so easy, every man and woman would do it. 

I cannot love my wife, daughter, son, my parents, or my friends if I do not learn to love myself and accept myself. Comment?

That is so true! The hard part about doing that is that most of us were never taught how to love ourselves. The reason for that is that we have all the generations preceding us who know nothing about self-love. 

If you’ve never seen something or had anybody model what that something would look like, it is a huge and long struggle to learn it. So, I say to anyone wanting to learn self-love, know that the road is long and hard. However, for me and my clients, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever achieve in life because then you will be able to fully love those who get the privilege of being in your life!

The post Healing Approach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Addiction is the irresistible need for and use of a habit-forming substance. It has a negative impact on the health of the individual and also on their economic and social lives. Addiction is accepted as a mental illness in the diagnostic nomenclature. Addiction is now considered a clinical syndrome.

Denise talks about addiction, abandonment, and co-dependency.

Denise, I super appreciate your blog. You are real, vulnerable, and downright honest. I am sure you sleep well. I want to talk about addiction. What is addiction? Why does it exist? What are the different kinds of addiction?

An addiction is a disease that you inherit, where mind and body crave something you have consumed more than life itself!  It exists due to the disease you inherit, and you may not know you have the disease until you are hooked, and without help, your life could be doomed.  Different types of addictions are drugs, alcohol, pills, food, shopping online, your cell phone, TV, the internet, or whatever you feel you can’t live without and feel life is complete when not tuned into the urge that consumes you.

Walk me through your own life as the daughter of an addict?

This is the hard part, as you don’t realize the damage that is being done growing up as the daughter of an alcoholic.  My dad was in the military for 21 years and served in the Korean War and Vietnam War twice.  I realized later in life that the alcoholism took hold as he was dealing with losing his fellow soldiers, and used alcohol as a way to medicate himself.

Recently I came to the conclusion he had PTSD, but it was not something that was diagnosed during his time in service.    He was very strict with my sisters and I growing up, which in the military you expect that, but he used a belt and had a hard time showing love and affection.  You had to behave or else!  Once he retired he would drink a whole 6 pack of beer a night, and become argumentative, so it was not a comfortable setting.  Then he was gone a lot, so the father-figure was not there to comfort and nurture us.

I was shy and unsure of myself, once I graduated.  I did get good grades and was the teacher’s pet throughout my school years.

How did this impact your life? When did you realize it was having a negative impact on you?

It impacted my life in a way that I was drawn to men who were like my dad, as it seemed normal.  My first husband, when I was 19, turned out to be so controlling, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to marry him, to begin with, but felt I could help and change him.  He also became abusive!   After 9 months of marriage and being left at a laundromat until it closed up, and the security guard had to drive me home, was the last straw to say enough is enough!   He was ready to fight the security guard!  He was not going to make it easy, as he followed me on a highway and pulled a gun, put sugar in my gas tank at work, made numerous phone calls, and threatened to kill me if I ended up with someone else.  I lived in Denver at the time and decided it was time to move elsewhere, hoping he could not find me.  I moved to California and started over, and developed a relationship at work with the nicest guy who fell in love with me, and I had decided to not be with someone like my ex-husband.  I married him for the wrong reasons, and so after several years, I was ready to move on as the relationship seemed so boring.  I used to turmoil in my life.  We had a son but divorced, and I then married my third husband too soon and found out we were different and the relationship became very toxic.  We had a son and divorced but after several years we moved back in together.  Don’t ask me why?  I think I felt our son needed his dad in his life.

In your blog, you talk about abandonment. What is it? Why did you feel abandoned?

I realized in my later years that something was broken inside me, so I decided to see a psychologist get a professional opinion.  Why were relationships not working, and why did I not feel fulfilled?  He said I had feelings of abandonment, and that when I talked about things I always had a smile, even when it was a hurtful subject.  He said that was my way of not showing my pain inside.  It was determined I was co-dependent and that I tried to fix everything to make my life feel normal and that I was in control.  I was obsessed with cleaning the house, as that was something I could be in control of!  I went to a  co-dependent dependent group and realized I wasn’t alone and finally understood why I reacted to circumstances the way I did.

What is codependency? Why does a codependent want control?

Co-dependency is an emotional behavior where you do not know how to have healthy relationships and the relationship can become one-sided, or abusive.  In my case, when there wasn’t turmoil I felt uncomfortable and would sabotage and destroy the relationship.  You become attracted to abusive, controlling people and would try to fix the relationship and stay in it, as you did not think you deserved being treated in a kindly manner.

You control because you feel that is the only way you can fix things to feel normal, as inside your life is not in control at all.  That is why I cleaned all the time.  Call it OCD, and you drive everyone crazy, but you felt great when everything was spotless! You become a perfectionist!

Your father was never around when you were young. How important is it to have your parents around? Did you ever talk to him about it?

Growing up I saw other fathers and daughters in close relationships and I wished for the same type of relationship with my dad. I missed not having him at school events, and sitting down and having a heart to heart talk.  I also think I tried to find in men what my dad did not give yo me. My dad passed away when he was 64, and I was 40.  We had gotten closer, but so much time had passed and I missed not having my younger years with him.

I was told in counseling that since my dad was never there for me emotionally and I was not getting hugs that little girls should get from their dads, and the times he was away from home, that through life I didn’t want to commit to a relationship with the fear of them leaving me.

You thrived on chaos. Normal is different things to different people. Explain?

Normal to me was fighting and yelling constantly, very few moments of peace and quiet where you weren’t being yelled at or criticized for not being perfect.  There were so many expectations and the pressure of attaining all that was expected of you takes a toll on you emotionally.

Explain the 12 steps codependent program? How did it help?

I couldn’t remember exactly, so had to look them up. The 12 steps are:

We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

I made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Here is the Serenity Prayer we would say after each group session: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

It made me aware of how my behavior could be in relationships, so you would make a conscious effort, of the proper way to react to certain situations.  It takes time, but it works!

Why do you recommend getting help for an addiction?

If you don’t get the help you will keep sabotaging and destroying relationships, and will never be able to find true happiness or a healthy way to live with someone else and get through life feeling or knowing what “normal” is.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, as this is not something you want to share or talk about.  Once you admit that and set up the appointment, it is a big weight off your shoulders, and you realize that with the help you can find a way to true happiness and love, and you can be a better person and parent.

The post Denise Gardiner: Addiction and Getting Help appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Sherron Grant is a principal at Derrydown Public School. Clovis Grant is the CEO of 360 Kids, an organization committed to ending youth homelessness. Their son Isiah was diagnosed with autism at the age of four. In every support group that Sherron attended, she realized she was the only black mother. She felt lonely. In 2020 she started a support group for black families whose children have disabilities. I ask Sherron about her experiences and life as a mother.

Sherron, thanks for being willing to be on my blog. Tell my global audience a little about you?

I was born in London, England and immigrated to Canada, as a toddler, with my Jamaican born parents and baby brother.

I am currently an Elementary School Principal in my first year, and a married mother of 2 boys, a wonderful and supportive daughter-in-law and a brand-new grandson! My passions are student achievement, from marginalized backgrounds and support for the intellectually disabled community, especially as they become adults. 

Parenting a child with special needs, walk me through these challenges?

Wow! Where do I begin?

My baby boy was diagnosed at the age of 4 years old, late by some standards, with PDD-NOS, Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified. Later, it was adjusted and confirmed to be ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Our son is 22 years old now, so we have gone through the journey of elementary school, high school, special needs intensive support programs and now adulthood.  Although there are some written and human resources available, Toronto being farther ahead than many places, even here within Ontario, there is still much out there that is unwritten, that still needs to be figured out. There are supports out there, but much remains concealed. If you don’t ask, you won’t know. Information is not necessarily made readily available for families.

But my difficulty with that is that like the saying goes, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”  “How does one obtain initial funding?” “How does one receive additional funding?”  “What do you do while your child is on a waitlist for supports?”  “How do I navigate all of these circumstances while both myself and spouse or significant other work full-time demanding jobs?”

Sometimes I have felt and continue to feel that I don’t have much of a life outside of the world of Autism. When your child gets diagnosed, many of us begin to study out Autism.  You attend workshops and conferences, join parent support groups, send your typically developing children to “sibling” support groups and send your husband to groups for dads because it’s moms that are usually at the helm of this big ship. At times, I ask myself how to develop a separate identity given the demands of parenting a child on the spectrum. Other factors include the reality that:

• Behaviour and needs tend to get more challenging as the child ages;
• There tend to be more services for younger kids;
• Caregivers always need to “be on”, especially when in the community. There can be a risk of him being unsafe with himself or others, and the risk of others’ reaction;
• The reality of never being an empty nester;
• The ongoing financial challenges of paying for therapy to improve his future outcomes;
• And dealing with regret because you do not have the kind of money that others have to pay for all the services that the “experts” tell you that your loved one needs to be successful.

Sometimes in life, there are things that we cannot change, it ends up changing us. How has your life changed?

Raising a child with Autism has not only changed my life but changed who I am as a person.  I feel that I have a better perspective on life and what is important in life.  I don’t get caught up in the little things like a bad driver, inclement weather, or a disagreement with a friend or loved one. There are bigger things in life to worry about and lose sleepover.  Isaiah has helped all of us, including his father, older brother and other extended family and friends to see that.  He struggles every day to navigate the social world, to hold a conversation, to follow so many of the unwritten rules in life that us “typically developing” folks take for granted.  Understanding his sensory challenges, being misunderstood, and the fast pace of the world around him, sometimes I don’t blame him for screaming and wanting to shut himself away from the world. Some days it’s too hard for me! But we encourage him to fight on, and fight on he does.  We have learned to celebrate the big and neurotypical victories, like when his big brother received a permanent position at work after over a year of being on contract. But we also have learned to celebrate the small victories as well, like when Isaiah can sit patiently and wait while mom stops to enjoy fellowship at church. 10 years ago, that wasn’t even an option! Today it’s our new normal. Raising him has made me a better mom, wife, educator and human being.  Although I will not say that I wouldn’t change the autism in him if I had a chance because I would at the drop of a dime! But at the same time, in learning to embrace this normality in our lives, I appreciate how these struggles and challenges have made me better, stronger and more content.

Children with special needs are not sent to special parents, they make parents special and unique. Talk to me about your own personal journey and how you are thriving?

To continue from my previous statements, I do agree with your question here and I used to be offended when people would say that to me but over the years, I have learned that people sometimes will say just about anything when they really don’t know what to say.  One thing, of many, that I appreciate about my husband is his deep faith and inner strength.  When Isaiah was younger, I felt like giving up many, many times. I often felt like Autism was a life sentence. Sometimes I still do. But when he was younger, Clovis declared that we would not allow autism to be a life sentence for Isaiah or anyone else in our family and we would learn to live with it and give Isaiah the best life and opportunities that we could afford.  We used all of our savings and whatever grants that I could tap into to provide interventions that our child needed including speech therapy, occupational therapy, play-based therapy, ABA and IBI, playgroups, social skills, joining a gym and so on.  We lived in our car it seemed.  I wasn’t working full-time then so I had the time to research and figure out what was best.  Along the way, I met many wonderful parents, many with whom I still keep in contact, and we continue to support each other along this precarious journey. As I got Isaiah the supports that he needed, and he seemed to be thriving in the right school placement. Our oldest son was also doing well in life.  Now it was time for mom to find her path. While on that journey, and seeking counsel from trusted friends, I ended up in education in 2005 and today I am an elementary school Principal. There has been a lot of juggling along the way, but it has all been worth it and I believe that God has raised me up for such a time as this.  I refused to put career first and would never have jumped into this demanding role if I did not have the support of and “green light” from my family behind me. Everything happens in its own time.

Help me understand the discrimination in our society towards special needs children, education, care, and how can we make it an inclusive society?

People are scared of what they don’t know. They feel uncomfortable around situations that they are not fully in control of. I feel that way about how society treats those with a disability, especially those with a ‘hidden’ disability.  What I mean by this is, I see that people will be much more willing to forgive the person walking with a cane or seeing eye dog, someone in a wheelchair or an amputee. Basically, someone who LOOKS disabled.  My son does not.  Looking from a distance, he looks perfectly fine, tall, handsome (I must say), confident… until you try to hold a conversation with him.  But if you don’t, then there are certain expectations that society has of all of its citizens, and if that member can’t produce, they become an outcast, an untouchable, forgotten.  This has been a historical practice in first-world nations such as Canada that has only begun to change in the 1970s by parent groups.  As a result of their advocacy, institutions have been shut down, sheltered workshops dismantled and the school system is working towards a practice of inclusion.  These are all great steps in the right direction, but the deeper work comes in trying to change the hearts of the greater society who were raised to believe that those with a disability are nothing but a burden to be locked away and forgotten.  They need and deserve the support necessary so that they can work and not merely live off of government assistance. They can live on their own or with roommates, attend post-secondary institutions, and receive the supports they need to be successful. In order to achieve these goals, the government needs to make it a priority by acknowledging, by way of funding and legislation, that ALL of us are valued citizens and that if given the chance and proper supports, we can all succeed from one degree or another.

How can we be more sensitive to parents with special needs children?

Educate yourselves. Yes, I hate the looks and stares when my son melts down and although he is 6 feet tall, can sometimes act like a 5-year-old. But more than just telling people to mind their own business or stop staring, I want people to care enough to watch the documentaries, read the articles, ask questions as to how they can help.  There are not many people out there anymore who are not touched by disability. Their own child, nephew or niece, neighbor, colleagues’ child or significant other.  Rather than “Ahh, sorry to hear” how about “Tell me more.” “Where can I learn more?” Are there opportunities to volunteer or to give back in some way?” It does take a village to raise a child” and unfortunately, with a child with special needs, they grow up to become adults with special needs so that village’s support will be called on for a bit longer than the norm. Just try to help even in the slightest way. Sometimes just knowing that there are willing people out there can help relieve the stress, loneliness and isolation we “exceptional parents” can feel oftentimes. 

What advice would you give to parents with special needs children?

Never give up the fight! Our children are counting on it.  Their survival, their ability to thrive and not merely survive depends on it.  You will stumble and you will fall but always, always get back up and keep on doing what you need to do.  I often talk about the 5Fs, when I used to do panel discussions at Seneca College for their Special Education programming students.

Family: Keep it strong. Make memories. Remember your typically developing child(ren) as well. Don’t neglect them or you may endure bitterness from them later on in life and they may not be willing to support your disabled child when you can’t.

Fun: Make time for it with your significant other, siblings, friends, or just yourself. Laughter is good medicine and fairly inexpensive .

Faith:  My faith in God has been tested over the years, but it remains steadfast. I could not imagine sticking it out this long and being successful in marriage, in career, in child-rearing, in my own personal journey without it.

Friends: Sometimes hard to keep considering our schedule is often not as flexible as those of our friends who eventually become empty nesters long before us and tend to have much more free time and money on their hands. But find one or two friends that you can go to, rely on, who ‘get’ you and your situation. Some of them may have an exceptional child/family member themselves, some may not but just may be intuitive enough to provide you what you need. Pick up the phone, send a text, don’t completely cut yourself off even in your darkest times. This is a VERY hard road to go alone.

Fitness: Take care of yourself. Be mindful of your input and output. Exercise, rest, pray, meditate. Our loved ones need us to be as physically, mentally and spiritually strong for them as we can for as long as we can. Even if you fall off the wagon, as I have since taking on this new position, be determined to jump right back on as soon as able. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. As long as you’re living and breathing, there is time to turn things around.

Oscar Wilde said ‘What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise’. Do you relate to this or was it a figment of his imagination?

Although I hate to admit it, yes even in the midst of one’s darkest hour, there can be a silver lining if one looks hard enough and is willing to embrace it.  I do believe that raising Isaiah has made me stronger not only for him but for many others that I didn’t know would need my strength and for myself not realizing that I had that kind of strength and wisdom in me. I have counseled colleagues, parents and even strangers and give them hope when they had none. The sense of calm that I have when everything around demands anything but, I believe has given others hope and encouragement and confidence that I understand their situation and that they can trust my counsel and leadership and that everything will be ok. We believe we became better parents to our other child because we learned to take nothing for granted in parenting or in life. My husband and I often question how different life would have been if Isaiah did not have autism. How different would WE have been as parents, employees, supervisors, friends, Christians, if we did not have to deal with autism. I guess we’ll never know.

Talk to me about your faith, the journey, but also the practical aspects of your faith in dealing with a mother of special needs children?

I have been a Christian since my graduating year of university in 1989.  I wrestled to come to faith and vowed never to turn back and I haven’t … although it has been tempting at times.  Then my child was diagnosed, I read up on it and read the prognosis for his future and I was devastated.  For about 6 months, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. You see, when many of our children are diagnosed, we get the label from the presiding medical professional, a few phone numbers of agencies to contact and then basically told to “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed…” You are basically on your own. If I didn’t have the circle of support that I had at the time, I don’t know what I would have done but as I mentioned earlier, after a time of licking my wounds, it was time to get up and get cracking. My son desperately needed his mother. Actually, both of my boys did, in different capacities and I was ready to deliver. My husband was a little slower to jump on board in the beginning, grieving in his own way, but someone had to take charge and get things started so I decided to be that person.  Once Clovis got on board, there was no looking back and we became a dynamic duo filling in the gaps where the other was weaker. I looked up scriptures to understand why my son was born that way. Did I sin? Did my husband? Was its residual “payback” from someone else’s sin.  I just read and prayed and read and prayed and over time I began to hold on to John 9 where Christ reminds those in his hearing that: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” This has been my ‘go-to’ passage for the last 18 years and will continue to be coupled with a few others. Basically, it is what it is and if I allow him, God will work in all our lives to bring Him glory out of this perceived injustice. And so far, I must say, life has been good.  Not without its trials, tears, cries up to the heavens and even a little fist-shaking, but in the end, I know that God loves me, and even more important, God loves Isaiah and he has and will continue to watch over him, even when I can’t.

I am sure there are a few things you want to change in terms of laws, access to health care, food, accommodation, and other things. If you were talking to your MP or the PM what would these be?

Since I am in the season of raising an adult with a disability, then this is now where my fight is. I did my share when he was young.  When these wonderful and ambitious young people leave high school, unless they are able to navigate the traditional career pathways or college, university a trade or straight to the world of independent work, they are left behind to sit in their parents’ basement to languish away from the eyes of modern society.  Different families have different abilities and not all are necessarily equipped to advocate for their loved one the way they need to.  The system knows who these young people are because they have been in the system since childhood. Unfortunately, it seems that funding for Services often favor those with extremely higher needs than the average and also funding and supports during times of crisis. Our governing body needs to be more proactive in providing a full life of opportunities to these marginalized members of the greater society.  Many do not want handouts. They don’t wish to sit around living off of a government stipend. They want to be out. They want to work and earn their own cash so that they can enjoy what their neurotypical peers and family members enjoy: a movie, a night out at dinner, a vacation, membership at a fitness facility. Not only write parents a cheque but provide the programming, provide the training for competent support staff at an attractive salary so that we parents and guardians have somewhere to spend the money.  Think out of the box and let’s continue to move away from the archaic ways of doing things that only further marginalize and let’s not just talk about inclusion in policy papers, but put our money and decisions where our mouth and pen are.

The post Clovis & Sherron Grant’s Isaiah appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is psychotherapy?

Talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, is to help people deal with challenges in life, emotional difficulties, and mental illness. Psychotherapy helps a person to make their life better through introspection and healing.

If we start being honest about our pain, our anger, and our shortcomings instead of pretending they don’t exist, then maybe we’ll leave the world a better place than we found it. – Russell Wilson

Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road. – Unknown

Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. – Fred Rogers

The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about. – Unknown

Introduction

I got the most horrifying text of my life. A very close friend of mine, since college, had passed away on Tuesday early morning.

It is not possible. We just spoke on Monday morning. We were going to have lunch on Thursday. I was teasing him about being the king of Facebook. Also, since his dad was 90, I told him that he would probably outlive all of us and therefore attend my funeral.

After that, on a cold day in March, here I was at the funeral home facing his cold, lifeless body. In addition, a thousand memories since we were teenagers kept flashing across my mind.

The same year in April, a young gentleman drove a van across a street where I had lived for more than a decade, killing 10 people and injuring 16.

Similarly, in July as I was heading to the Danforth for a meeting, another male shot and killed 2 people and injured 13 at a nearby restaurant.

Three incidents in less than six months hit home. Why? Could any of the above situations be avoided?

Life happens

My close friend had issues from a young age. It tormented him. Over the years, I begged him, pleaded with him to get help. In 2015, he lost his job and disappeared. I finally got hold of him six months later and he was putting up a front. In 2017, I took him out for lunch for his birthday. Little did I realize that would be the last time I would be seeing him. We spoke throughout the summer, about his marriage, his parenting and how he felt about living in the basement of his parents’ home.

Above all, unemployed, separated from his wife, alone, lonely, feeling rejected, drugs and booze became his best friends. What stopped him from getting help? Did he not realize the hurt he was causing those close to him and especially his kids?  How come he did not know his limits and boundaries? Why did he not seek psychotherapy?

What is masculinity?

As I think about my friend and the other two men, involved in the killings, I am forced to ask myself, why do men not get help? Is it a sign of weakness? Is it considered macho to just suck up and deal with your issues through drugs, porn and substance abuse? Is this masculinity?

Or is masculinity dealing with our issues head-on, accepting responsibility for where you are in life, being grateful, forgiving and getting help?

I wish the three men would have got help. They could have avoided so much pain for themselves and those around them.

Advantages of getting help

When you go to see a psychotherapist, you get feedback on what you are going through from an objective perspective. Here is a trained third-party individual who listens, gives you feedback on what you are going through.

The second advantage is that you get to deal with your negative past. The therapist might ask you to write down your hurts, resentments, bitterness issues, challenges or just he/she will listen.

The third advantage is that it allows you to get in touch with reality. When you are doing drugs, booze, porn, and sleeping around, these are helping you to escape reality.

The fourth advantage is that you end up in better mental and physical health.

The fifth advantage is that it allows you to get to the root cause of your problems. The therapist gives you healthy coping mechanisms.

The final advantage is that you learn to take it easy on yourself and finally no one is judging you at the clinic. They are all encouraged that you have the courage and guts to deal with your issues.

I challenge you that if you are facing issues no matter what go ahead and get professional help.

The post Get Help: See A Psychotherapist appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

As a society, we have to focus on youth mental health for our own future.

“I need help, I have a mental illness‘. That was the shriek from someone on Facebook, whom I have known for nearly three decades. Her husband had left her along with the kids.  For so many years, everything from the outside looked great. As a society, we focus so much on financial and physical health that we forget about mental and spiritual health. I talk to Jamie Weil about these issues, and in the first interview, we talk about her mission, vision, youth mental health, balance, and creating sacred spaces in our lives.

Jamie Weil lives in Cottonwood, California. She writes everywhere. She has identified as a writer since third grade, when her teacher sent her poem “Red” to the Record Searchlight, and they published it. She has written for the children’s educational market, the adult non-fiction market, and has worked as a journalist, second-grade teacher, and mom. Her YA novel, First Break, was released on World Mental Health Day, 10/10/18. Her second YA novel, “Intuition,” was published almost exactly a year later on 10/2/19. She is currently in post-production on the pilot episode of “A Crazy Thought,” a groundbreaking docuseries on youth mental health and suicide which she is creating with a team of amazing award-winning female filmmakers.

Jamie, I consider it an honor to have you on my blog. I want to know a little about you and your mission?

It’s an honor to be invited to your space, and especially via Twitter! Twitter has mystified me for so long as I’m standing in front of a wall saying random things in an attempted witty way and a bunch of other people who are doing the same. When I found the #writingcommunity, I felt a new level of connection, finally made a few friends, and I am happy to call you one of those. I love people, their stories, and feel connected to one humanity. Sure, sometimes that one humanity can feel like we’re in the room with that one uncle who drinks too much at Thanksgiving and spurts out off-color remarks, but the contrast makes each of us clearer about our own shadows. It’s a great teacher! I hold a vision for a world where we can deeply embrace each other’s unique differences and in so doing, widen our own understandings of ourselves and others.

I love your focus on empowering women. This touches my heart as it is a space to which I also feel such a strong pull. I understand the vital role allies as you play in what can be a very binary and lopsided world. Empowered women empower women and yet we are not evolutionarily at a place where enough women feel empowered for so many valid reasons. We need those evolved men like you who not only get it but do something about it. Giving women a voice is one very important space as we see so clearly in the Jeffrey Epstein documentary.

Both writing on paper and in film are key places for women to become empowered which is what draws me there. I can say things on paper or in visual media as a filmmaker that I can’t say as easily in other spaces as I was one of those young girls raised to keep quiet and mind my manners. At a very young age, I discovered that as long as I wrote and got good grades, I could say what I wanted. It was a freeing space for me. Stories became a way to find a voice.

When I answered a calling to tell multicultural stories about youth mental health, I attempted to assemble a crew of female film creators, no easy task for a variety of reasons. I felt it was important that women’s voices be heard in the capturing of the story because 95% of the cases I came across over the past 2 decades of children suffering from mental illness symptoms had women at the helm trying to figure out the solutions and suffering along with the children. When I taught elementary school in Los Angeles, 95% of the teacher K-8 were women and a few men teaching middle school. With the role of the Divine Feminine rising in this world, and an understanding for a need for that, it is visionary men like you that will escort that shift in and it will be a blessing for everybody. Along the way, it is very important to recognize it was evolved men who helped me make that happen.

Thank you for finding me and for inviting me to talk about my favorite subjects. I am so grateful.

Talk to me about how to live a happy life, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

I have so many ideas about this! I consciously and consistently rank my own four bodies (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) on a scale from 1-10. As a licensed spiritual practitioner (on sabbatical because I really suck at anything that looks or feels religious while simultaneously loving pieces of all religions) I dove into thoughts in practitioner training about the best ways to serve the Divine who goes by many names. I’m a 20 year-long daily meditator and sit with the idea of how to bring the sunny to the world on a daily. How can I serve today? is a daily mantra. I start with myself, by ranking those four bodies and remaining conscious about what I need to work on in myself to bring others more joy. That’s really my endgame and it’s a selfish goal because giving people joy gives me joy and I like to live in the sunny. When we have a habit of pointing to external circumstances for the reasons we aren’t fulfilled, we miss the magic of the journey and the world around us. Nobody wins. Recently, Yale put their Principles of Well Being by Dr. Laurie Santos class online and I took it. There is so much science behind this idea that each day we find ourselves connecting to ourselves and other inconsistent practices.

And yet, there is value in every state we find ourselves. It’s not realistic to think every day will be unicorns and butterflies. People we love die. Pets die. We get sick. The world shuts down. Horrible abuse happens. Contrast is all around us and some days are just unbearably hard. Remembering everything changes and reaching out for help from others is key.

Happy, then, begins at home, inside each of us, and we start with those four bodies. Each is a pillar that holds us up, and if one is off, we struggle. The weakest one for me is the physical and so I am consistently setting goals in that area while being very careful not to shame myself along the way. I think that’s key, the no shaming part. We need to give ourselves grace. We are in this Earth School to learn to walk and when we’re done, well, we’re done for this time. Not being done is part of the thing. The journey is the best part and we need to be our best cheerleader. I love the late Louise Hay’s mirror work for this where you look in the mirror and, with heartfelt feeling, say “I love you. I really, really love you.”

It’s all about balance. On my website in the right corner is a picture of a rock I have had for decades that says “balance.” My oldest son, now 32, came home from high school when he was 14, ran out back, and stuck that rock between his feet. He took a picture to remind himself of the importance of balance in his life and I see that value present in both my sons’ lives to this day. This was especially poignant as he was in the middle of a break with bipolar disorder, seeking a space of energetic (and chemical) balance where he felt he could stay alive. The balance was literally a matter of life and death. A balance between work and play. A balance between self and other. A balance in your four bodies. A balance between giving and receiving. Balance.

I appreciate that you are an advocate for youth mental health. Please talk to me about it?

Another favorite subject of mine is youth mental health!

When my oldest son was in 4^th grade, he began to show symptoms that confused me. I could tell he was unhappy, but it was beyond that. Simultaneously, I was teaching second grade in Southern California. Teaching was a second career and I had several students that were struggling with symptoms I had never seen or learned about in my Master’s program or anywhere else. This began a long journey of educating myself on what was happening and how I could help. We eventually received a diagnosis of bipolar illness, but it was very long, unnecessarily painful, and massively upsetting for everyone. I vowed I would do what I could to make the journey easier on other parents and kids, many of whom were coming to me in secret too afraid (ashamed) to tell anyone what was happening. I saw a very similar pattern that abused women feel when they don’t feel they can get help.

I used my writing to reach out. First, I began blogging in the early 2000s. Simultaneously, I started a young adult novel called First Break which was finally published by All Things That Matter Press on World Mental Health Day in 2018. That was an amazing day for me because my son and his wife, both university professors now, were able to do some great research and help me put resources in place that would speak multiculturally to transitional youth 14-26 and their parents and teachers. Having that first-person POV novel of a 17-year-old stepping onto a college campus and having the first break was a way to understand through story an experience that confused us and caused years of pain. My hope is that novel will be used in middle school classrooms to educate the next generation and prevent the many years of pain that do not have to happen.

In 2017, after two decades of print articles, books, and community service, I felt a calling to use visual media to make a change. I was frustrated by all the distraught parents and children I saw needlessly suffering, many in silence. They were missing their entire childhoods. I set out to make a documentary, but there was only one problem: I wasn’t a filmmaker and had never been to film school. Reinventing myself was something I’d done before, though, so I set out to answer this calling. To date, we have a pilot, a plan, two shorts, a ton of great footage in the can, and no money to finish that docuseries. It turns out it takes much more money to create a visual media production than it does to write a book. Though we did win a crowdfunding effort (it was awful, by the way!) to fund the pilot, I discovered fundraising is just not my jam.

I love the title of your book Chasing Sacred Spaces. I am learning to become intentional in creating space. Walk me through your book and what is it all about?

Thank you so much for that because that is a title that came to me in a dream, but someone had questioned it which made me question it. I’ve been waiting for the Universe to weigh in and you just did that for me!

This is such an interesting project for me, indeed a sacred space itself, and unlike any project, I’ve ever done. First, I wrote this as a download from the Divine. I did what I do when I blog. I meditate and pray, “Use me to tell the stories that the readers who find their way to me need to read to make their lives better and happier.” When I did this in my blogging world, I would consistently have people tell me what I said was exactly what they needed so I felt like it was working. That went on for several decades. However, with First Break and later Intuition, both YA novels, I wrote more from my head as I had learned to do at UCLA in coursework. With Chasing Sacred Spaces, I sat down and wrote this in a weekend. It’s my first book in the mind/body/spirit genre and it’s the first book I’m going to self-publish. That will come out in October 2020.

The part of what you say, being intentional about creating sacred space, is so present in this book, but as one of my life threads is clearly being in the room with mental illness and suicide, this finds its way in a bit. (I was surprised because I honestly was attempting to take a break from this theme.) What became clear is that we each want peace and happiness, and we look for that in so many places the world has told us to look. Then the world shuts down and now what? We’re back to spot where we started above, looking inside ourselves, in our own worlds, and really honestly seeing ourselves. In the spiritual circles I find myself, I feel that lots of spiritual bypassing goes on in an effort to avoid the pain, but in dodging that we make it worse. The book is an assortment of stories that flowed through as a response to the “what will really help my readers in their own lives” prompt. I’m currently in the rewriting process which is always harder than the initial writing.

The post Jamie Weil: Advocate For Youth Mental Health appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Resilience is how well people deal with and bounce back from the challenges of life. Resilience is the process of adjusting positively as you face challenges, tragedy, adversity, threats, and major sources of stress like job loss, divorce, financial issues, health problems, workplace discrimination, or the current COVID crisis. Resilience is not only about bouncing back, but also about learning and growing from the experience. The challenges are difficult and painful, but one needs to be aware of what they can control. Resilience helps you walk through the challenging times in your life and empowers you.

Resilience does not mean you will not face challenges in your life. The truth is that some of the most resilient people have faced and gone through the most challenging things a person can face. Resilience can be learned and involves developing actions, behaviors, and thoughts that help you bounce back from traumatic events in your life.

The Three  Aspects of Resilience

Susan Kobasa, a leading psychologist, talks about the three aspects of resilience. The first is the challenge. When you are facing difficulties in your life, you have to see it as a challenge and not as an event that will paralyze you. The difficulty has to be viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow, and not negatively. The second is that you have to be committed to your goals, values, ethos, friendships, relationships, and beliefs, and find a reason to get up in the morning. The third part is to focus on what you can control. When you focus on what you can control and let go, you feel confident and empowered. If you focus on what you cannot control, it will make you feel powerless.

Where is My GPS?

Life on planet Earth does not come with a GPS. However, the challenges and the traumatic events of life on Earth can impact us negatively. These events bring up a variety of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and uncertainty. Debbie has been battling cancer for six months. Last week I got a text that someone I have known my whole life committed suicide. I have been asked a lot about how I manage to stay resilient. Here are my eleven secrets to staying resilient. I have included quotes from strong women who have been resilient in their lives.

Find a purpose and a deeper meaning

Grief and resilience live together – Michelle Obama, Becoming

One of my best friends committed suicide two years after high school. In the last few years, I have lost one of my closest friends from university and another from the business world. Last week, someone from my youth group committed suicide. As we come across a tragedy or a crisis in our personal lives we have to find a sense of purpose. I started a blog, got more involved in volunteering, more introspective, and started aligning all my activities with my goals and values.

As Debbie fights cancer, I am learning to become more compassionate, understanding, kind, and gentle.

Be Positive about your capabilities

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it – Maya Angelo

When Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was handling it the best. She was just confident. I learned from her that we have to be confident about our capabilities on how to handle this event in our family. I had to focus on what we call a SWOT analysis in the business world. However, I had to focus on my strengths and keep the positive tape in my brain going.

Friendships are important

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance – Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

I would not have made it through the present crisis without close friends. I continue to stay connected with friends and cousins to share my feelings about what I am going through. This support does wonders for our emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and psychological health.

It is important to also connect with people who are understanding, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, and who validate what you are going through. I have spoken to many people whose spouses have gone through cancer. It helps what you are feeling is natural. Sometimes there is a natural tendency to isolate ourselves. It is important to connect with people.

The only constant in life is change

Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive – Jean Chatzky

When I was doing my MBA and as we studied about companies that survived and those that perished the only difference was the survivors adapted to change. We have to constantly adapt to our surroundings. Stick to your values and core concepts but we have to adapt. Those that are flexible and embrace the changes thrive in the long run. I had to adapt my lifestyle and my attitude about being a spouse of a cancer patient.

Be Confident 

Like tiny seeds with potent power to push through tough ground and become mighty trees, we hold innate reserves of unimaginable strength. We are resilient – Catherine DeVrye, The Gift of Nature

When we are going through challenging times, it is tough to be confident in the tunnel. However, you have to cling to hope and focus on staying positive. Positive thinking does not mean you ignore the problem or the challenges you are facing. It means that the stumbling blocks are temporary and we need to focus on our capabilities to handle the challenge. I am confident that after chemo and radiation Debbie will make it through the end of November.

Self-care

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow – Mary Anne Radmacher

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You need to eat healthy food, get sleep, rest, build new skills, and even seek counseling.

Focus on solutions, not problems

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it – Helen Keller

No matter what we are going through, focus on solutions. Do not ask why me but what now. There are times when there is no solution. However, you have to try to take baby steps to make your situation less stressful.

Join a group

She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails – Elizabeth Edwards

I have spoken to many men whose spouses have gone through cancer. When you talk to other people who have gone through similar circumstances it helps you. Join a group of people who are going through similar issues. Talk about it and get together. It will do miracles for you. It is good to talk and get things out. If you keep it inside, you end with a lot of psycho-somatic issues. 

Practice mindfulness

Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life – J.K. Rowling

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. I personally find breathing very helpful.

Focus on one goal

The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

As Debbie goes through cancer, we just take it one day at a time. There is a tendency to focus on the end and how it will all look once chemo and radiation are done.

Ask for help

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good – Elizabeth Edwards

I am bad at asking for help. My wife is even worse. However, I was challenged to ask for help. As I asked for help, I have a meal train for us and people driving Debbie for her chemo and other appointments.

The key takeaway from this post is that whenever you are going through a challenging time, in order to be resilient:

Do not listen to the news, it is all negative, look to other sources for empowerment and inspiration

It is ok to cry and express what you are going through

Go for a walk and connect with nature

Focus on your strengths and be confident

Have a real, deep and vulnerable conversation with a close friend or family member

Talk to someone who has gone through or going through similar challenges like you

Pray, meditate and connect with a higher power

Write what you are going through and feeling

Practice kindness towards others and to yourself

Music inspires and empowers you, listen to it

Breathe deeply

Take it one day and one hour at a time. Focus on the present.

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