To err is human, to forgive, divine
Quotes on forgiveness
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong – Mahatma Gandhi
To err is human, to forgive, divine – Alexander Pope
Romance to ruin
It was my tenth wedding anniversary. I was excited to have made it this far.
As we are celebrating in a fine dining restaurant on the Mayan Riviera, I ask Debbie how we are doing as a couple. I love asking Debbie this question. You see in the last decade, she had never criticized me. On the other hand, if I ask my daughter, how I am doing as a father, I always get a list of things, I need to work on.
I am excited. Debbie will tell me that I have been sensitive, gentle, romantic, and will thank me for bringing us to this amazing resort. The ego is waiting to be fed.
‘Jerry, I have to be honest with you about something. The first is that you are a lousy sleeper. The second is that every time we hang around certain people, you are not the same person for a week’.
‘Wow! Wow! Wow! Hold on a minute…what do you mean I am a lousy sleeper?’
‘Well, it takes you an hour for you to go to sleep. You are always twisting and turning. And even when you sleep it feels like you are fighting someone’.
‘OK, OK, I get it. What about the second comment?’
Debbie names a few people.
Walk on the beach
In life, have you ever felt like someone has put a knife inside you? How about when they turn it and sprinkle salt and vinegar on the wound? That is how I was feeling.
After dinner, I took a long walk on the beach.
As the waves were fighting the gravitational pull of the earth and the moon, I was fighting what Debbie just told me.
However, it did explain something. All my life I have always felt tired. I have never pulled an all-nighter in my whole life. Debbie was so true about some of the names she mentioned.
I had to do something about it.
Around this same time, 7 men involved in my wedding got divorced. We also had a reunion from St. Andrews in New York and a classmate who lives less than an hour’s drive never showed up. A university reunion after two years of planning did not occur because people could not decide which hotel to stay at.
Face to face with forgiveness
Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily – Joel Osteen
I am in Dr. Lin’s office. I tell her about the talk I had with my wife. She asks me a few questions about my past. After an hour, we come to a mutual decision that I need help. I made a request about what kind of shrink I want (the control freak in me).
My first appointment with Coleen resulted in me talking about how many friends I had. She tells me that if anyone has more real friends than their fingers, there is an issue there. I learned not to try to impress her anymore.
It was a long, painful, difficult process. For the first three years, I came monthly.
We talked about unconditional love, abandonment, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, dealing with issues, taking people where they are at, being broken, and forgiveness.
Dealing with the reality
I am a perfectionist, have unrealistic expectations of people, prideful, impatient, ungrateful, co-dependent on people, and was looking for love in all the wrong places and wrong people.
I was driving my wife nuts. She would clean the whole home, mow the lawn, Jean was in bed, and dinner was waiting for me. But I had to pinpoint that one piece of stain on the hardwood.
I had unrealistic expectations from my friends that they had to be as loyal as I was with them.
I was arrogant that I was working on Bay Street.
I was driving myself crazy that I had not made it to Vice President at 35.
I graduated from one of the best high schools on the planet. I got honors from the best hotel school in the world. I do not smoke, drink or do drugs. Porn, that is for losers who do not get the real stuff. Me broken, never. I had to come in touch with me being broken.
I had to come in touch with my own critical and negativity, deep-rooted from my own insecurities.
I had a bad temper and was impatient.
I could not spell being grateful and forgiveness.
I had kept a record of wrongs for a long time.
I did not have boundaries in my life.
As I continued to talk, email, write letters to those who hurt me, it was like a whole burden had come off.
I was sleeping better, happier, became a better husband and father.
What is forgiveness
Forgiveness is the willful and purposed process by which a victim undergoes a radical change in emotions, awareness, and perspective towards an offense and does not believe in being vengeful or wants compensation from the offender and wishes the offender well.
Forgiveness does not mean we condone, excuse, forget, pardon (legal) or seek reconciliation from the offender.
Research has shown that forgiving other people is better for your health.
Am I perfect today? No. I still struggle with many issues and am more aware of them. I make fun of my perfectionism. If someone is rude or cuts me on the highway, I try not to take it personally.
I promise you I am not the same person that I was five years ago.
I warn you not everyone will be happy with this new you. You will gain and lose some relationships. Not everyone is comfortable with change.
As you read this article, please call someone who has hurt you or you have hurt. Forgive the other person. Trust me you will come out ahead. Write to me about how this process has helped you.
Photo Credits: Zack Marshall Alexandra Gorn Angie Corbett-Kuiper Jeroen den Otter
You have definitely changed alot.
People forget to acknowledge the fact we’re inperfect as human despite our best efforts to learn and be better.
Also we’re way too hard on ourselves when we make a mistake…and shouldn’t
Decent post
Great article! Forgiveness is so important to moving on with your life 🥰🙏🏼
I find it very helpful. I think to let it go, to truly forgive is to liberate and become a better person. It is so for me
I am probably the hardest on myself. It is a struggle for me to let things go at times though I try my hardest to do so. Forgiveness is big especially in marriage but I love that you were confident enough to ask the question even though you might not have liked the answer. If we’re not constantly improving ourselves we’re doing something wrong in life.
Forgiving others is important, but forgiving yourself for past mistakes is even more important. Without forgiving yourself, it’s difficult to move on. No one is perfect–if we were, we’d never learn, change, or grow. We are all works in progress our entire lives.
Excellent read. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” I love this quote! So powerful.
This is a very powerful post about forgiving. We are human and make mistakes that sometime hurt others. We have to always take into account that to forgive someone is very important within the healing process.
Forgiveness is core to the healing process because without it, you just can’t heal and move on. It does make you a better person. More balanced and happier and this is clearly so in your case. All the best to you for the continual efforts you make for self improvement to your own benefit as well as for those you love.
To err is human, to forgive, divine – Alexander Pope
I like this lead in to your article. One of the biggest issues is realizing we need a professional to help us get through something tough, whether it be a situation or a thought pattern we can’t break. What you’ve outline here is amazing and I wish more people could read this and understand that it applies to everyone!! Congratulations on your ability to reflect on yourself and move forward!! your an inspiration!!
It’s so amazing that you introspected so much and actually listed down what you believed were your shortcomings! That’s an extremely difficult thing to do, especially when you are a perfectionist as well! Kudos for identifying the fact that you needed help and going through with it. Hope you are able to continue the wonderful success you’ve gotten.
Wow, what a beautiful post! I love this so much. You are such an inspiration. You are so strong! To forgive is so hard and yet you were able to go through this with such courage. So proud of you!
LOVE this!! Such a lovely post, beautiful and written from the heart. forgiveness can be hard but is well worth it for sure x
One of my flaws is holding grudges. However, sometimes the grudges feel justified to me like being mad at someone for cheating on me or for doing things that physically/emotionally hurt me. I never go out of my way to hurt these people, they’re just dead to me. I understand that forgiveness is important for my own peace, but in a weird twisted way the revenge of living a happier life without these people drives me.
My first thought as I read this was that I actually put salt in open wounds. My best friend taught me that because it stops the bleeding and heals faster. It doesn’t actually hurt either, at least to me. Lemon juice in an open wound though… ouch! Speaking of my best friend, your post resonates so much with me. When he died, I lost a lot of people in my life, not just him. Then I started my blog and it completely changed me and who I was. I’m not the same person as I was when these experiences happened, and that is such an amazing thing. Once I said goodbye to some people who did not fit into my future and forgave them, I was so much happier. Holding grudges or keeping toxic people in our lives is probably the single most harmful thing we can do to ourselves. One of my favorite quotes is “don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” Which I think applies to a variety of things in our lives, including relationships, as well as our own flaws. Forgiving both ourselves and others is a sign of maturity and growth.
This is an amazing post, I applaud your reaction to what your wife told you. She obviously felt safe to mention these difficult topics, and since they were put out there, you were able to deal with them instead of sweeping them under the table. Thanks for the nudge, I am going to call some of my family members today to have a chat and catch up. Life is too short to hold grudges.
Awww you got me emotional with this post. I love how you break it all down. Forgiveness is very important in a marriage.
Awesome read. Forgiveness is so important in order to move on to where we want to be in life.
Great article!
Beautiful post. I totally agree. Forgiving makes definitely your spirit lighter.
This is some beautiful self-reflection.
I wish I’d understood this 7+ years ago.
Wonderful Post. This is the first post that feel like reading a self help book. With every lines, you feel much better. Keep sharing!! Have a great day..
This is a very inspirational post. There are so many people walking around with unforgiveness in thier heart. Unforgiveness is like cancer, it eats from the inner core of one’s being. I agree with you that hurt people hurt people. Until God heals their hurt, they cannot truely forgive and set themselves free.
This is such an honest written post. Forgiveness is very important topic to every relationship. Acknowledging when wrong and making things right helps in the healing process. Recognizing the areas you need to work on helps you to not continue to hurt others. To forgive is an individual choice and when done whole heartedly freedom will come. 🤗
Pastor Natalie (ExamineThisMoment)
Letstakeamoment.com