The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

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What is motherhood? What is surrogate motherhood? What is single motherhood? Where is motherhood maternity near me? These are some of the most common questions on Google.

Motherhood is one of the most compelling, influential, potent, effectual words and experiences. Being a mother echoes separately and is the most cherished, divine, angelic, and revered journey a woman will travel in her life.

As a father, it is difficult for me to write what it actually means. As I saw Jean grow in the belly of her mother, I realized we were becoming a family of three people. As I saw Jean kick and move in the belly and see the hands through the stomach it was magical. To hold her in my arms after the C section was a miracle.

I have noticed motherhood changed Debbie. It was a new and exciting chapter in her life. It made her more emotional and in touch with herself. It was also very exhausting. She also had to learn to balance other relationships and responsibilities in her life. Sophia Loren talks about “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” Kate Winslet says “Having children just puts the whole world into perspective. Everything else just disappears.”

Mckayla Butcher blogs about motherhood, marriage, and faith. She is real, funny, vulnerable, and writes from her own experience. I have enjoyed every article because it hits home. I sit down and talk about motherhood and relationships.

McKayla tell my audience something unique about you?

This question is always so hard! I would have to say something interesting about me is that I use to be a super extroverted person, and about 4 years ago that changed! I am now very introverted and prefer to have a very small circle of people I am close to. Not sure what happened, but I’ve noticed a lot of my personality had changed in the last few years. I think I am growing into the person I am going to be for the rest of my life. 

You blog about motherhood, marriage, and faith. So let’s talk motherhood. Help me understand the good, bad, and ugly truth about motherhood? 

There are so many aspects to parenting. And just like any major life experience, there are good parts, bad parts, and simply unexplainable parts. 

Walk me through what surprised you the most about motherhood?

I think what surprised me the most about motherhood is how hard it is to make important decisions. It’s one thing to make decisions for yourself, but it’s a whole other thing to be completely responsible for another life. It’s a lot of pressure. And sadly, no matter what decisions you make, you get a lot of mom-shaming from other moms. Us moms are very opinionated. But one thing for sure is we’re all trying to do our best at making the right decisions for our kids. 

Talk to me about having unrealistic expectations in a relationship? I am a believer in being practical and having realistic expectations.

It is so important to realize when you’re having unrealistic expectations. If you spend your marriage having unrealistic expectations, you will constantly be holding resentment towards your partner, which will push you further and further away from one another. It’s better to focus on the good things about your partner instead of the bad. There was a time a couple of years ago that my marriage was falling apart, but we decided we weren’t going to throw in the towel without fighting for it. 

The 5 love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. How can we inculcate these in our daily lives? 

The most important thing to realize about the love languages is that you want to understand your partner’s love language and use that to show them you love and appreciate them. If your love language is gifts, and your spouse’s love language is quality time, you don’t want to give them gifts because that is YOUR love language, not theirs. It is so easy to forget that you want to express their love language, and they need to express yours. You can take tests online to determine your love language, or you can read the book, The 5 Love Languages.

One of the things I had to learn in a relationship is that rather than looking for the right person, you yourself need to become the right person. I like your article on becoming a better wife. That article fascinates me and I want to know more?

One thing I learned during the time period that I was working hard to improve my marriage, is that you cannot change the other person, BUT… change inspires change. If you are actively trying to be the best version of yourself, your partner will notice. They will also start to work on themself, whether they realize it or not. One thing that can really put a strain on your marriage is constantly making your spouse feel like they’re wrong, or not good enough.

Let’s talk about marriage on a diet. You talk about service, intimacy, respect, trust, and dedication. Are these realistic? 

While it is not realistic to be perfect at all of these things all of the time, it is realistic to be mindful of them, and practice focusing on them in our day-to-day life. The more you prioritize these important relationship features, the more your spouse will appreciate you and see you as an ally. 

As a blogger on women’s empowerment, I am impressed with Jesus. He served women, elevated them to another level, he loved unconditionally, and hung out with the outcast and lonely. I want to know the practical aspects of your faith?

I believe the most practical aspects of my faith are the focus it has on service, community, and avoiding judgment of others. From someone who is not perfect and has made many mistakes, I appreciate all of these qualities so much. During the hardest times of my life, so many people from my church were right there to help me without judgment. I will never forget all that they have done for me and my family. It definitely encourages me to strive to be more Christ-like. 

Tell me a little about your city. The food scene, the restaurants and why we should visit it?

I live in American Fork, UT and I love it! It is the perfect size town with easy access to small towns to escape to, and large cities to find anything and everything you want. While it has all the popular restaurant chains, it also has some great diners and restaurants that are less common. A lot of the restaurants are also very accommodating for people with special dietary preferences and allergies, like me! 

The post Motherhood appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Andrea Barendregt is stepping into a new chapter after leaving her previous job. Andrea is embracing entrepreneurship and creativity on her own terms. It’s a bold move, but if there’s one thing she has proven time and time again, it’s that living unapologetically is more than a brand. It’s a way of life.

Andrea, please tell me a little about yourself.

I was born and raised in small-town Ontario, but always pushed by my parents to get an education and make something of my life.  I went to Wilfrid Laurier University and completed a degree in Communications with the intent of working in marketing.

How did you get into financial services? 

I kind of fell into it completely unintentionally.  I started working for a Credit Union marketing agency, and my career progressed and evolved into what it is today.  I wouldn’t say I am very “financially minded,” but perhaps my ability to take complex concepts and break them down into more “everyday” terms is what has helped me to be successful in marketing various products and services to the average investor who does not have a finance degree.

Tell me a little bit about your family?

I am married to the love of my life Rick, we have been married for over 2 years now and have a 2-year-old son, Joseph.  Joseph was a big surprise as I was told I would never conceive.  We found out early in my pregnancy that Joseph has Down Syndrome and had congestive heart failure.  At 5 months of age, he had surgery to repair his heart.  We’ve never looked back.  Today, he is a happy, healthy, and very active little boy who keeps Rick and me on our toes.  We both are advocates within the Down Syndrome community.

As a working mother, how do you balance family, food, finance, and faith?

Balance is something that every working mom has struggled with at some point.  I’m blessed that I have a good career and can provide for my family and that my husband is such a great cook.  He’s also an amazing dad who is very active in our son’s life and we complement each other as best as we can where schedules and meals are concerned. Both Rick and I grew up in church-going families and we are doing our best to make sure our son will also have a church family that will embrace him and his unique needs. 

How has motherhood changed your life and you as a person?

Oh yeah!  I often wonder what I used to do with all the time I had on my hands!  Now, every moment at home is centered around my son and what we can be doing with him and for him to nurture his special needs.  It’s also made me much more patient than I used to be.  I no longer live for myself, I always have him and my husband in mind.

Give me some tips on how you keep fun in your marriage?

Remember why you married your spouse — for me, I had fun with Rick no matter what we did.  It’s important to keep that spark and even in the mundane tasks, I try to have fun and keep things light.  Life has a way of making things always seem so serious, keeping a light-hearted approach to everyday things makes it more fun.

Is eating healthy important to you as a working mother? 

Yes, especially now that I have a little boy that I want to be around, for a long time.  Of course, perfection is impossible but I try to keep my diet full of foods that fuel and provide nourishment.

You are a successful executive, give me some tips on how to manage a successful career in the 21st century?

I just saw a quote that Warren Buffet said – do things your way.  I’m so blessed to work for a company that gives me leeway to do things my way and make suggestions.  Success is defined differently by everyone but for me, it’s about being happy at the end of the day and feeling like I moved the puck up the ice.  If I can be myself and use my experience and expertise to make a difference, I feel that I’ve been successful.

Name me some of your favorite restaurants in Toronto?

I don’t go out in Toronto a lot, but I do enjoy the Cactus Club and a great little breakfast spot called Over Easy on Yonge.  

What is the favorite thing you do with the two men in your life?

One of our favorite things right now with our small son is to spend Sunday mornings in bed snuggling, playing, and reading.  That’s our time with Joseph where nothing else is distracting us.  When the weather is nice, we love to get out on the boat in the lake and catch some fish :).

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Single parenting, co-parenting, helicopter parenting, authoritative parenting, controlling parenting, and permissive parenting are the different styles of parenting.

If you think you have arrived in life, try getting married. A spouse is like a mirror, a lot of your faults get exposed. If after marriage you still think you have arrived in life, try having a kid, and become a parent.

Parenting is one of the most challenging things I have done in my life, and also the most rewarding. It requires unconditional love, being unselfish, investing emotions, energy, time, feelings, and lots of forgiveness.

Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her professional experience includes public relations for Franciscan University of Steubenville, proofreading for Patrick Madrid’s Envoy magazine, and contributing to Aleteia, MercatorNet, Catholic Lane, Catholic Exchange, CatholicMom.com, The Southern Cross, and Creative Minority Report. Kerekes serves as editor and director of online publications at the Ruth Institute, where she writes weekly newsletters and manages the blog. She telecommutes from her home near San Diego, where she homeschools her four children and blogs about her parenting adventures.

Betsy offers her Top Ten Parenting Tips from her book Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying

One

There are as many different ways to parent as there are parents. You do what works for you, and don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. And by all means, don’t compare your child to others. A mom who had a baby around the same time as I had my first made a comment about teething. I mentioned that my daughter had four teeth coming in at once, only because I thought it unusual. The other mom seemed upset by this news and got defensive — over teeth, as though the rate at which children sprout teeth somehow determines who will go to a community college and who will go to Harvard. Don’t stress over supposed milestones or how your kid measures up. Do your best, and don’t worry about the rest.

Two

Because parenting is hard, cruddy stuff is going to happen. It just comes with the territory. Taking a deep breath and moving on after an unfortunate incident will help you maintain a happier demeanor, inside and out, especially when it comes to things you have no control over. Some days your children are just going to be fussy like they’re taking turns or have it scheduled on a secret calendar. Keeping a sense of humor helps. Once I asked a friend how her kids were. She responded: “For sale.”

Three

No sane person thinks parenting is easy, but focusing on the blessings in your life, even if your house is a mess or the laundry is piling up, is the antidote to the parenting pits. Clearly, your kids don’t mind those messes since they enjoy making them, and rolling around in a pile of unfolded laundry is the rainy-day equivalent of jumping in a pile of leaves. Why deprive your children of that joy? Instead, maintain an attitude of gratitude by focusing on the positive. Your children have enough clothes that they can get dirty. The dishes stacked in the sink prove that you have ample food for your family. Ice cream exists. And the list goes on and on.

Four

If you’re a perfectionist, having children may be particularly difficult, especially if you’re the type who tries to maintain a spotless home. You can be happier if you adopt this principle: Let it go. Embroider it on a pillow if necessary. Here’s a scenario: after breakfast, the floor under your table looks like the leftovers at the carnival in Charlotte’s Web. You want to sweep it immediately, but you’re unable because you’re wrangling tiny people all day. Lunch happens, and now the floor looks like the streets of New Orleans after Mardi Gras. You want to pull your hair out, but you still haven’t found time to clean. The solution? Make like Elsa and let it go. I don’t mean go a week without sweeping under the table. If mice move in to clean up the mess for you, well, that could be a win or a loss. The floor is getting clean, but if those mice start building temples to their gods complete with statues made from food scraps that impressively resemble your children, you may have a problem. Get out the broom and destroy a civilization. But for those everyday things that put the perfectionist in you on high alert, remember that the world won’t end and your house won’t fall down around you if you don’t get to it right away. Take a deep breath, do what you can, when you can, and don’t stress over it unnecessarily. I saw a meme that said: “Once you stop caring that the Play-Doh colors are mixed together, the second part of your life begins.” I totally get that. It took four kids, but I’ve finally arrived.

Five

Keep your negative reactions in check. Imagine you’re potty training your child. (Did you just shudder? My apologies.) Now imagine you take your child to the potty, but she doesn’t want to go. You try again later and still nothing. You ask her if she needs to go. She insists she doesn’t. Next thing you know, her pants are wet. You, frustrated by the whole experience, kind of lose it. “Look what you did! You wet your pants! I tried to get you to go on the potty. I sat you down, you said you didn’t need to go. Then I asked again, and you still said no. One minute later you’ve wet yourself. Now I have to wash you up and find clean clothes and…” etc. Unbeknownst to you, this reaction is teaching your child to lie in order to avoid seeing you angry or be yelled at. You can express disappointment, sure, but remain calm and patient. You want your child to feel safe coming to you with the truth when she ran a purple marker across the back of the white couch or when he threw a ball indoors and knocked over a lamp. If such incidents happen and you fly off the handle, don’t be surprised when you’re met with tight lips after asking who swirled a magnet across the computer screen.

Six

Related: Model not making a mountain out of a molehill. When my kids hurt themselves, I’m kind of like, “meh.” Yes, I’ll tend to the wound, but I won’t make a bigger deal out of it than it warrants. When I was a school secretary, kids would sometimes come to me asking for a Band-aid for some microscopic cut. When I couldn’t see anything, they’d squeeze until the tiniest drop of blood was visible. My favorite kids were the ones who came to the office with blood I could see from several feet away. I’d say, “Whoa, let me get you a Band-aid,” but they’d be like, “Nah, I’m just going to slap a paper towel across it and head back out.” Those kids were all from the same hardy family of goat owners. I loved them. The kids, not the goats. Maybe both. Baby goats are kids, so I guess both. These children didn’t try to make a huge fuss in order to get attention. They dealt with the problem simply and moved on. They were tough, and that’s an attitude that will get them far in life. I recommend encouraging that in your kids, goat, or human. For the more sensitive children, you can always point out that each passing moment gets the owie closer to being healed. You can also remind them that tomorrow they’ll feel so much better (or by bedtime, or in like one minute, depending).

Seven

Younger kids might be bothered that they can’t do the same things as their older siblings, like check the bear traps or drive the Batmobile. At a playground, a little girl was crying because she couldn’t swing across the monkey bars like her big brother. The mom assured the girl that her brother was able because he’d done it more times. “Practice makes progress,” she said. I found that interesting. We can’t promise our kids they’ll become perfect at something, even with lots and lots of practice. No one is perfect at everything, despite what you see on Pinterest boards. By using the word “progress,” this mom helped her daughter realize that though she may not be great at something now, she can improve with repeated effort. The less obvious message is that the popular trope of “you can be anything you want if you just try hard enough” is false. Despite this “good parenting” mantra of our modern culture, not everyone who wants to can become a Nobel prize winner, or an astronaut, or Adele. If your kids discover their big fabulous dream isn’t coming true, it’s an opportunity to point out that God might not mean for them to cure a common cold, build a better mousetrap, invent a new ice cream flavor, save an endangered species, and all those things on the Game of Life “Life Tiles.” Of course, you should encourage your kids to reach reasonable goals, but remind them that if things don’t seem to be working out, it may be because God has another, a better plan that will take prayer and time to figure out.

Eight

Sharing is good, but don’t force it. Even though “don’t forget to share” is a common parental phrase, we shouldn’t make our kids give up a toy or the swing for someone else all the time. Sharing is no doubt important, but only when the child does so from his own initiative. We can model sharing by doing so ourselves and then encouraging our kids to follow suit by pointing out how sharing has made another person happy. For them, you could say, “How nice of you to let the other boy play with your ball. See how happy you made him? Thank you for sharing.” However, sharing isn’t always appropriate. What if your child wasn’t finished on the swing? Instead, offer him advanced notice that soon it will be someone else’s turn. “Five more minutes on the swing then let someone else have a go.” Another option is playing together. “How about you kick the ball back and forth to each other?” rather than making your child give up his toy entirely. Being nice is one thing, but we don’t want our children to feel like sharing is a punishment when they haven’t done anything wrong.

Nine

Strive to make family dinner the norm. Being together strengthens the familial bond, builds positive relationships among siblings, and generally keeps teenagers out of the usual teenagery troubles. Younger kids learn new vocabulary words (for good or bad) and proper table manners. Everyone is more apt to eat healthily and therefore be healthy, and you’ll have a better idea of what’s going on in your kids’ lives. To get the ball rolling, you can play the high/low game where each person names the best and worst part of their day: “We bought a new carton of ice cream! That carton is now empty.” It’s a great way to find out what drives and motivates your kids.

Ten

You might think you’ll be truly happy if you could just have a girl, a boy, your dream home, a new car, a better job, or an ice cream shop to open up within walking distance. Perhaps you feel you’ll be happier when the kids are older and easier, or when they’re no longer teenagers, or when you have an empty nest, or when you can finally retire. But if you continue thinking that way — waiting for that next thing that you’re sure will make you happy — you’ll never be happy. Instead, find the joy in your life as a parent today.

The post Top Ten Parenting Tips appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Casey Palmer is one of Canada’s most influential blogger and the creator behind Casey Palmer, Canadian Dad – Consistently Inconsistent. Casey has included Four Columns among his list of Canadian Dad Influencers – The Dads Out There Telling Their Stories.

I am grateful to be on this list, grateful to be a dad, and will persevere to be real, vulnerable, and authentic.

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