10 Lessons in 20 years that my wife has taught me

This will be my 20^th Valentine’s day with my wife Debbie. I thought about writing a romantic poem or a nice quote about love and give it to her. However, I want to share a few lessons, I have learned from her in the last two decades. I want to be clear about something.  My wife is not perfect. She has her faults. There are times, I have wanted to strangle my wife. Similarly, for any relationship to survive, you have to focus on the positive attributes of the other person.

Focus on the Positive

On a bright sunny day in January 2000, I am on a wing date. We are at Swiss Chalet. Oops… I forgot to explain what a wing date is. You must have heard about a wingman. To me, a wing date is where you have no interest in the person. You take her out because she will talk about it with other girls who you are interested in. I have zero interest in Debbie. To be honest with you, I was thinking of setting her up with another friend of mine.

Debbie actually tells her friends that I treated her well, opened the car door, and was a good listener. Hmmm…maybe she was exaggerating.

We humans have many faults. However, in order to have a long sustainable relationship on this planet, you have to focus on the positive attributes of the other person.

Be Open 

It is February 2000. My dating life is dead in the pond. Let me ask Debbie if she has any plans. She does not. For Valentine’s day, we are in a greasy Indian restaurant on Islington and Albion. The owner and the waiter are more excited about the date than me. They have seen me come here as single many times. You can see the look on their face that they are thinking this is a date. I realize this is the first time Debbie is trying Indian food. The washrooms were lousy, the table was not the greatest, the food was spicy but I do get a card the next time I see her, thanking me for taking her out.

Express Gratitude

Over the next couple of months, we would go out once a month and Debbie always wrote me a note about what she liked on the date. It could be a joke, it could be the food, it could be the couple we hung out with.

This has been the biggest game-changer in my life. One of the first things I do daily is express my gratitude for being alive, living in a great country, doing the things I love, and for having a wife and daughter.

Focus on What is Important

After we got engaged, we sit down and talked about our finances, some of our goals, and future plans. Debbie tells me that the D-word does not exist in her vocabulary and her mother stayed at home. Similarly, Debbie wants to be a stay at home wife. I did struggle with this in the beginning, but I did realize the benefits of it, in the long run.

Life is short. Focus on what is important.

Keep Your Word

Once Debbie told me she wants to stay at home, I did tell her that we would have to live within our means. In all our years of marriage, she has never really asked me for anything.

Remember in life, keep your word. Integrity is important.

Keep Emotions in Check

Debbie was a couple of months pregnant. After the appointment with the doctor, I was driving east on Finch Avenue. A car cut in front of me and was speeding. At Dufferin, the red lights came on. The car was in front of me. I got out of my car with a baseball bat and approached the driver. I gave him an earful about his driving. I felt all good as I walked back to my car. Debbie would be proud of me.

Debbie told me ‘Hon, I am a couple of months pregnant. The person in the car, could have shot you, run you down, or hit you. You could be dead or injured. He could say you were attacking him. I would be left a widow’. Words of wisdom from my wife.

It hit me. Since then, no matter how someone has behaved on the road or in life, I have just bit my tongue counted to 10 and backed off.

Be Humble

It is Valentine’s day in 2001. Debbie and I are officially dating. I am at Valentine’s day party in downtown with more than sixty couples.

The organizers come up with a game. All the couples will stand up. We have to have our backs against each other. The person on the mike asks a question. Only one person can raise their hand. If both raise their hands, you are out. It is all about how much we know each other. After every question, I raise my hand. Who has traveled more? Who has more taste in clothes? After about ten questions we are down to ten couples. I look around the standing couples. Most of them are engaged.

The next question is about who spends more on clothes. I raise my hand. Eight couples are out. Now there are only two couples left. The next question is who is humbler? I keep my hand down. Debbie raises her hand. The other couple both raised their hands. We had won.

Debbie allowed me to shine that night. In life, pride, arrogance, and hubris lead to a downfall.

Do Not Keep a Record of Past Wrongs

For our honeymoon, we went to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco. In Seville, we did not have reservations for a hotel. After being in a cab for a while. I left Debbie in a spot until I could find a place. I found a nice hotel with a suite. However, I did not realize, it was more than an hour. I found her and she was in tears. She told me to never leave her alone like that ever again. In our 17 years of marriage, my wife has never brought up that episode ever again.

We are broken as humans. The people that love us the most, will hurt us the most. Do not keep a record of wrongs.

Serve

Debbie has gone out of her way to serve me. I will never forget, once she got up at 4 in the morning, shoveled the driveway so I could leave at 6.30 am. She has gone out of her way to make sure everything was done so I could finish my MBA.

In life, when we serve, we are giving of ourselves to enrich the lives of other people.

Give Space

Debbie has always given me space to pursue my education, hobbies, and hanging out with other friends. This is healthy. In life, we need to give space to our friends, children, family, and spouse. I want to end by saying that Debbie is not a carpet. She voices her opinions when she needs to. She has helped me in many areas of my life where my own blind spots were.

Please let me know what you have learned from your spouse.