Authenticity is a mosaic, convoluted and manifold concept that is often used in various situations, like relationships, personal identity, products, and art.

The meaning of authenticity

Authenticity is about being bonafide, absolute, true, sincere, and genuine.  The meaning of being authentic is when an individual is true to oneself and one’s core values, beliefs, morals, conscience, and principles, rather than conforming to societal norms, pressures, and expectations. An authentic person is someone who behaves, speaks, and acts in a way that aligns with their true nature, without putting on a facade or pretending to be someone they’re not. An authentic person is not a people pleaser. An authentic person swims against the tide.

Authenticity vs fake and ungenuine

Once a month, I get an email from a friend about his prayer life and what he is learning. We have known each other for more than three decades. Never a call. Never to see how we are doing. Even when Debbie was going through cancer, never a hint, to see how we were doing or drop by. But the email comes once a month, challenging us to love, deny ourselves and study scripture.

I have another friend who changes an organization every two or three years. The leaders are not up to mark. The way people do things is wrong. Everything is wrong.

There was a point when I was mentoring a few men. One of the men was overly critical of me. He was in his late 30s and was literally chasing teenagers. He had an Asian background and wanted a Canadian wife. I set him up on a few dates but they were never good. He took off to the States, found someone, and married her. The wife left him, accused him and my friend ended up in prison. You think my friend would have learned his lesson. I ran into him in Toronto and he was on the hunt again for a new wife. I kept quiet.  I found out later he got married again. The second wife left him with two kids and disappeared.

Insecurity is the root of evil

Insecure humans project their own insecurities, fears, and shortcomings onto others.  Humans with low self-esteem or insecurity engage in criticizing or finding faults in others as a way to deflect attention away from their own perceived flaws. This behavior can also be a way to gain a sense of superiority or control over others, as pointing out faults can give them a feeling of power.  Insecure people are attracted to Christian cults. It gives them a sense of security. You have made it, others have not. You have the right doctrine, others do not. These insecure people spend their whole life attending their spiritual organizations and are not transformed.

What I was offering to my friend was constructive criticism and feedback which was essential and crucial for personal and collective growth. The feedback was genuine with good intentions.

In interpersonal relationships, authenticity refers to open, honest, and genuine communication and emotional expression. Authentic relationships are built on trust and sincerity, where individuals can be themselves without fear of judgment or rejection.

Belonging vs Fitting In

When you belong to a group of friends you are accepted into a unique social, cultural, or community-based entity. There is a sense of affiliation and connection with others who share common characteristics, interests, values, or goals. Belonging goes beyond mere membership; it implies a deeper emotional connection and identification with the group. People who belong to a group often feel a sense of support, validation, and security from being part of that group. This sense of belonging can contribute positively to one’s self-esteem and overall well-being. This is an example of authenticity.

Fitting in, on the other hand, refers to conforming to the norms, behaviors, and expectations of a particular group in order to be accepted and avoid standing out. It involves adjusting one’s behavior, appearance, or attitude to align with the prevailing standards of the group. Fitting in can sometimes be driven by a desire to avoid social rejection or criticism. Fitting in involves suppressing certain aspects of one’s identity to conform to the group’s norms. This is not an example of authenticity and results in depression, cognitive dissonance, trauma, and health issues.

I truly believe that we put ourselves on the treadmill of performance that is driven by external pressure. In a fake world dominated by social media, authenticity is valued for its ability to bring forth honesty, sincerity, and a sense of realness. People often seek authentic experiences, relationships, and products because they resonate with their core values and provide a sense of connection and meaning. Authenticity demands self-awareness, introspection, the desire and courage to be vulnerable and embrace one’s true self.

One of the questions I get asked very often is how come I have had so many friends since kindergarten, how come the blog is so successful, what are the secrets to my marriage and how come I am good in sales. The truth lies in being authentic.

What is authentic living and an authentic person?

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Tiv Perfume recently launched a campaign called the Love Yourself Challenge, which is all about empowering women to love themselves, be all they can be and lead their best lives. The seven-step challenge encourages women to invest in their emotional wellbeing through self-love, and by giving themselves permission to have the things they want and deserve in life. I pose some questions to Cynthia who founded the firm and talks about women empowerment.

Cynthia, please tell me a little about yourself?

I’ve been in the fashion and beauty industry all my professional life as a model and then, at the age of 25, I became fashion coordinator at Kaufmann’s Department Store in Pittsburgh, my hometown. Kaufmann’s was the flagship store in the May Department Stores retail chain, now Macy’s.  Since that time, I was promoted to Fashion Director at the May Company Department stores in Cleveland.  From Cleveland, I moved to New York to become Director of Fashion and Beauty Marketing at Essence Magazine. I was recruited from Essence to the headquarters of Estee Lauder in Manhattan as a marketing director in the fragrance division.  After a number of years with Estee Lauder Company, I embraced my entrepreneurial spirit and developed my own fragrance line, Tiv … The Designer Fragrance of the Caribbean.

Let’s talk about Tiv Perfume. I have heard of French, Italian and Swiss perfumes. Never from the Caribbean. So, what is unique about your perfume and why should women buy it?

I moved to the Caribbean to create Tiv in its own environment.  While there were a number of local fragrances on many of the islands, there was no designer fragrance that represented the beauty, sunshine and exotic scents of the Caribbean.  For me, there was a simple solution.  Creating Tiv was the natural thing to do.  Tiv was successfully launched in the Bahamas and became a favorite with tourists from all over the world, as well as the locals.

Help me understand what is the Love Yourself Challenge all about and how does this empower women?

The Love Yourself Challenge is about empowering women to love themselves in the most profound way…by leading their best life. It’s about encouraging women to have confidence, strength, self-love, self-worth, and feel beautiful… to be successful in life, to LOVE their life. To live their dreams and achieve their goals, and not give them up to make sacrifices for others, as we women often do (for our families, kids, husbands, etc). As we get older, we let our dreams fade, and we give up on our joy. And as we fall out of love with our lives, we lose the motivation to care for ourselves. We’re so busy and stressed that we stop looking after our health and our emotional wellbeing.

We want to make sure women everywhere know it’s okay to look out for themselves and focus on self-love, that they have the power to turn their life around and start truly LOVING their life, and loving themselves. Because that’s the most critical aspect of your life… We aren’t truly whole or happy unless we love ourselves fully.

Walk me through the seven-step process?

The seven steps of the Love Yourself Challenge focus on:

1. It’s time to live your dreams and start doing the things you’ve ALWAYS wanted to do. Before, it’s too late.
2. Use affirmations instead of negative self-talk. We criticize ourselves every day, thinking things and saying things when we look in the mirror that we would NEVER say to a loved one. So why are we saying them to ourselves?!
3. Make rest and relaxation a necessity in your life, and learn how to figure out your most productive times during the day. It is critical we rest during our natural “down-times”, and not only for our health but in order to be our happiest and most successful.
4. Learn the importance of building quality relationships with friends that inspire you and encourage you to be the best person you can be. Remember, you directly reflect the people you hand out with the most.
5. How to start loving keeping your body healthy and fit. If you don’t love exercise, you’re not doing the right type of exercise for you!
6. Achieving your goals is the key to leading a fulfilling life. But your goals and dreams will never become a reality if you don’t get clear on what EXACTLY you want to achieve, map them out, break them down into steps, and start taking action.
7. How to find a creative practice. Giving yourself permission to take the time to be joyfully creative is one of the most profound ways to love yourself.

Why did you launch this challenge? Is it more a marketing gimmick or sincerely helping women?

The reason we launched the Love Yourself Challenge is because, as women, we know what women struggle with the most, and we wanted to do something that had the potential to truly change women’s lives. Something truly, deeply meaningful. Something that would make a profound impact on women across the nation, even around the globe, if we can spread our challenge wide enough. The Love Yourself Challenge aims to help women from all walks of life and all aspects of the struggle, to live the life they deserve. To live happily, healthily, and meaningfully. To love their bodies and their reflection. And to live their dreams.

Our only dream for the Love Yourself Challenge is that any woman who has found value and impact from the challenge share it with their friends and family, to help us change as many women’s lives as possible, on the largest scale we can.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Women empowerment, to us, means encouraging women to be leaders in their lives. To be in the driver’s seat of your own joy, your own success, your own body, your own voice, your own path.

Young women all over the world want to make a career in the beauty and cosmetics industry. Please give me a couple of tips?

Like any other career, one must first have a natural affinity … were you in front of the mirror as a youngster, loving fashion magazines instead of comic books, at the mall in the boutiques and cosmetics counters, etc? If one has that innate sense, then it may well be for you. It’s a wonderful, competitive and satisfying industry full of energy and people who love what they are doing.

Please explain where you live, the city, food, restaurants, culture and why should we visit?

Southeast Florida is the perfect place to be outside of Manhattan for anyone interested in fashion, beauty, lifestyle, and sunshine. I live in Delray Beach which 50 years ago was a great beach town. Over the years, it has grown to within inches of its boundaries. But fondly enough, over and above some of the other rival historic beach towns in the area, Delray Beach remains a great beach town… It’s remarkable! The shopping district is alive with eclectic shops, restaurants, boutique hotels, art galleries, live entertainment, and casual culture.

The corporate offices are in Boca Raton, a relatively small city with an international reputation for excellence. It has more corporate headquarters than any other city in the state of Florida. And yet, you’re close enough to the beach to have lunch overlooking the surf and get back to the office.

Share with my audience something challenging you have been through. What did you learn and how did you come out on the other side thriving?

Tiv perfume is The Designer Fragrance of the Caribbean. Therefore, we have always had a Caribbean home. We relocated the company from the Bahamas to the U.S. Virgin Islands 20 years ago. However, when we made the decision to make online sales our first priority, we had to move to the mainland to accommodate the demands of high-speed internet capability, shipping, fulfillment and talent. The first challenge was where to relocate. And we couldn’t be more pleased with the decision to move the company to Boca Raton. The infrastructure, vibrant business community and the people make it the perfect move. But two things were happening – relocating and completing changing our direction from retail to online sales and marketing. We still maintain a marketing and promotional presence in St. Thomas, but all major company activity is in Boca Raton.  We learned that the major challenge in such a major move is research.

I am sure you lead a hectic life. How do food, faith, finance, and family come together for you?

You can imagine the answer to this question is, “It’s a challenge.” First, I try to take advantage of the markets that sell fresh vegetables, fruits, and seafood for meals at home. The area is remarkably business-friendly which is a plus for building a financial future both personally and for the company. My family and old friends are scattered but visit often. As for my faith, I wake up every morning with a prayer to acknowledge the blessings of strength, courage, and good health. Life is good.

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All my life, I have felt like an outlier or a highly sensitive person. I like to write, act, visit the theatre, art, travel, and take photographs. Sometimes in society, some activities are considered macho and manly. As a result, other activities are considered feminine. I also felt I was more emotional, sentimental, and more in touch with my feelings and emotions. However, as I get older, become a husband and father, I realized it is these very qualities that have helped me become a better person. As time has gone on, I have learned to apply filters, boundaries, and the importance of self-care.

I interviewed Dr. Fitzpatrick a while back, and the interview was very popular. We did another interview on healthy boundaries, which is one of the most popular interviews, read by women in sixty countries. As we started talking, she mentioned how she is a highly sensitive person. I asked her to do a guest post for me. This is my first guest post. As a control freak, it is not easy. Valerie is erudite, smart, intelligent, in touch with her own feelings, emotions, and links the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects together.

I want to write about being a highly sensitive person because knowledge is power.  That has been the case for me, and I hope it will be the case for others.  I am writing this article for highly sensitive people and empaths, as well as for the people in their lives. Sensitivity can contribute to stress, illness, and relationship problems, low mood, as well as environmental sensitivities. Yet, sensitivity can also contribute to beautiful depth and fulfillment in life. 

The terms for a highly sensitive person

There has been much research in recent years on high sensitivity, with different terms used by different researchers looking at this personality trait. I have seen the terms:

Highly Sensitive Person 

Sensory Processing Sensitivity 

High-reactive

Empath

Sensate

Kinesthetic

Perceptive processor

Whatever term you want to use, there is a very real fact that a portion of the population (some researchers estimate 10-20%) is made up of highly sensitive people. This is not a disorder, it is just a different way of experiencing the world, a different way of being. Just because the majority of the world population experiences things differently doesn’t mean that their experience is the correct one. Just different. I now like to think that perhaps the Highly Sensitive People should be considered the “normal’ people, and everyone else could be termed the Low Sensitivity People. Just a thought.

Nature vs. nurture

In her book Quiet, Susan Cain talks primarily about introverts, but because there is some overlap with sensitivity she gets into some of the research. Susan Cain talks about nature versus nurture and the research done on highly-reactive or easily overstimulated infants. Temperament is hard-wired or genetically based (nature) and observable in infancy. Personality develops after family and cultural influences are added into the mix (nurture). Genetic markers and brain function differences have been found in highly sensitive people. It seems that these hard-wired differences make highly reactive or sensitive children then more influenced by the world around them than the average child. So their nature has made them more easily influenced by nurture. Cain mentions a theory put forth by David Dobbs about “orchid children”. His idea was that many children are like dandelions, able to thrive in just about any environment /experience; other children, the highly sensitive types are more like orchids. Orchids will wilt easily in harsh environments, but under the right conditions can grow strong and beautiful. 

Elaine Aron on Highly Sensitive People

Elaine Aron has done a lot of research on Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) and the people who have it, Highly Sensitive People (HSP). Aron says that people who have this temperament or personality trait have increased sensitivity in their central nervous system: deeper processing of physical, social, and emotional information.  She says there is also an increased emotional reactivity and empathy, a greater awareness of environmental subtleties, and a tendency to get easily overstimulated. HSP are often sensitive to light, sounds, smells, pain. They tend to be highly observant and contemplative.  They don’t like surprises. They don’t like being observed or judged. They tend to be philosophical or spiritual. They don’t like small talk. They are often creative and love the natural world and the arts. They feel emotions deeply, all emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. They often notice little changes in the environment or another’s mood, subtle changes that someone else might miss.   

Dr. Judith Orloff on empaths

In her book, The Empath’s Survival Guide, Dr. Judith Orloff mentions that empaths share some or all of the traits of HSP, however, empaths take the experience of the HSP even further.  Empaths can sense subtle energy and can absorb this. Empaths often have trouble distinguishes someone else’s distress or discomfort from their own. In other words, empaths have extremely reactive neurological systems. Empaths don’t have the same filters that other people have to block out stimulation, and they can absorb the stress around them. This constant stimulation can be exhausting. Empaths also often find themselves in relationships with emotionally unavailable people. Orloff also tells empaths that they should be aware that ‘energy vampires’ and narcissists will be attracted to your openness and loving nature. Whether at work, school or home, energy vampires will happily drain your physical and emotional energy. The toxic ones can make you feel defective or unlovable.

Dr. Orloff, as an empath herself, gives great advice on healthy coping strategies,  navigating relationships, parenting, and avoiding negative coping strategies such as addictions, and overeating.  She stresses the importance for empaths of being out in nature, especially near water. She gives recommendations on recognizing and avoiding energy vampires. She stressed the importance of time alone to be quiet and creative. She suggests taking restful vacations alone to get recharged and meditating rather than grabbing for food or alcohol.

The difference between empathy and being an empath

Just to be clear, ordinary empathy is not the same as being an empath. Ordinary empathy means that you can be sad for someone who is having a difficult time, and you can be happy for someone who has a happy life event.  Being an empath, you sense the other person’s emotions and sometimes even their physical symptoms in your own body. Empaths feel first and then think. This is different from other people who have had some defenses up since childhood. 

My own journey

Since childhood, I felt that something was wrong with me. I was physically strong, enjoying weight-training, running, swimming. Yet I was prone to motion sickness, strong skin reactions to air pollutants or water pollutants or mold or dust. I also started reacting to many foods, and then to synthetic perfumes and air fresheners.  I felt energized by some people and quickly exhausted by others. I would get strong feelings of discomfort about certain people or situations but was told I was being silly. I felt the stress of going against my ‘gut feeling’ because ‘logic’ told me otherwise. 

In recent years I have happily learned that I do not have a disorder or weakness, but just a different way of being, a different way of experiencing the world.  I am now grateful for being highly sensitive and empathic. I am grateful that I can feel highly moved by art, poetry, nature. Grateful that I have been able to make a deep meaningful connections with others.  I am grateful for the blessing of being able to connect with my patients/ clients in my work as a chiropractor. I have realized that I can trust my intuition about people and situations, and to find certainty in that inner knowing. 

I am learning how to manage my sensitivity and my time to make sure that I don’t get overstimulated or exhausted.  I have found that Somato-Respiratory Integration, yoga, chiropractic care, and Eden Energy Method exercises are very helpful in strengthening my sense of personal space and personal energy.  Mindful meditation, prayer walks and creating art also helps ground me. When I feel overstimulated, or overwhelmed I know that I can use one of these tools. I can postpone or remove something from my schedule. I have learned to prioritize; first things first, the rest can wait. I know when I need to do less, be alone, and recharge. I am a social person and I truly enjoy time with others, but time with others can also overstimulate me and tire me out.  Now I know to recognize the early signs and change my schedule. In a sense, I have been learning how to create a healthy filter for myself.

I think a tragic example of a highly sensitive person who has experienced only the burden of sensitivity is the character of Fiona in the movie About a Boy. (spoiler alert) Fiona is a single mother. She cares about her son so she knits him homemade sweaters and makes healthy homecooked meals. She cares about damage to the planet and animal-cruelty so she sticks to a vegetarian diet.  She cares about people with challenges so she works as a music therapist for children with disabilities. She cares about political prisoners and social injustice so she supports Amnesty International. She cares about other peoples’ needs more than her own so she graciously invites her ex-husband, his new girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s mother to Christmas dinner. Fiona is also severely depressed and attempts suicide. Sometimes people who care the most, hurt the most. Sometimes people who feel the most, who take on the world’s problems as a personal burden, who have no filter to distinguish ‘self’ from the ‘other’, feel a pain that feels impossible to live with. 

There are sensitive and empathic people who are living with this type of pain – living like a wilted orchid. The good news is that there are also sensitive and empathic people in this world who, with self-awareness and wise choices, have learned to harness this sensitivity and channel it into careers as brilliant researchers, writers, musician, actors, artists, and healers; into deeply felt lives with intimate relationships – living like a strong majestic orchid. 

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