What is brokenness?

The dictionary defines brokenness as fractured, forcible separation, sundered by divorce, desertion by parents, having been violated, being in a state of disarray, a broken spirit, crushed by grief, suffering from a broken heart, financially or morally bankrupt, and not functioning.

The truth is we live in a broken world. The fabric of our lives is torn with grief, loss, pain, suffering, fear, hatred, racism, discrimination, poverty, judgment, alienation, insecurity, hunger, and violence. As a result, brokenness is everywhere.

We want answers. We cry out through social media or lash out and want explanations, answers, and hope in our brokenness.

We are just coming out from one of the most challenging times our generation has faced. What will life look like post-Covid? There is a lot of uncertainty out there.

Each and everyone has a role to play. We need to deal with our own brokenness. We have to become intentional in healing ourselves and others.

We need to become better listeners and be the salt, the light on the mountain and provide rays of hope through the heart of disillusionment, distrust, anxiety, resentment, and division. We can only do that by being patient, kind, gentle, compassionate, loving unconditionally, forgiving, and being grateful.

I am a big believer in being healed. It will require work. It will require introspection. It will require writing down stuff. It will require talking to other people. You cannot carry the pain. It will literally kill you. If you deal with your prejudices, loneliness, unrealized dreams, stress, worry, guilt, and shame there is joy on the other side.

I spend an hour a day, getting to know my followers across social media. I want to know who they are, why do they follow me, what is so unique and special about them. Queeny Yalangi started following me a few weeks back. I was intrigued by the nom de plume. I soon realized she was an author, podcaster, blogger and worked in the corporate world. Queeny has amazing insights into pain, suffering, love, and disappointment and I love that she used the word brokenness in her book. We talk about food, culture, brokenness, love, and women’s empowerment.

Hello Queeny, can you tell my audience something about yourself?

Hello Jerry, this is Queeny Yalangi, author of Life in Hyderabad: A city of tales. I’m from Hyderabad, India. I’m a blogger, podcast speaker, chef, and abstract painter. I’m an MBA graduate, but my love for books and the English language made me a writer. I work for an MNC, but writing is my first love. 

I want to know what Life in Hyderabad: A city of tales is all about?

Life in Hyderabad is a book of anecdotes, the stories of love, longing, pain, and optimism. I believe that there are many stories in the world, but only a few are heard. My idea behind writing Life in Hyderabad is to introduce common people and their untold stories. Some people fall in love, some people live in love, some people dwell in that pain forever. Some stories have a happy ending while some remain without an ending. Some people express their love to the person whom they love, while some sacrifice their love. So Life in Hyderabad is the voice of all these stories. I also added a  few poems and my original minimalist illustrations in this book at the beginning of each story. Every story is different from others. All these stories are born out of inspiration and observation. I observe people around me, I see their pain, I see their story. And whenever I feel like a story needs a voice, I write that story. So Life in Hyderabad is all about these stories.

We are all broken. The common people, unique, unconventional, outliers, and the stars. I believe to be healed and move forward, we have to accept our brokenness. What is the path of your characters in this journey?

In this book, you will meet the characters who lost everything, the people who are left alone by their loved ones, also the people who are waiting for their love. Every one of them lost something or the other faced setbacks, was abandoned, left out by everyone. But they never lost their hope. They started living with hope. They suffered, they accepted the pain, they healed themselves, they never gave up and they never stopped hoping. And that hope made them move forward each day. This is what inspired me to write their stories. 

Your characters are lost in darkness. Is there a light in their life? What is it about them that they do not want to give up and stay resilient?

Yes, the characters in this book are lost in darkness and broken inside. But they also had good times in their life. They all had normal lives, but life is a cycle of good and bad. Our choices affect our lives. Some chose to live in darkness, but some choose to walk towards the light. My characters chose to move on. They embraced every moment of their lives. They overcame the uncertainties. They found solace in suffering. They moved forward. It is the hope that made them live. They waited with patience for things to happen. They chose to wait instead of giving up. That is what made them walk towards the light. I would say that hope made them stay resilient.

What is hope all about? You cover it in your book. I truly believe we all need hope post covid.

I believe that hope is something that makes us live. To me, hope is that dawn that comes after every dark night, it is happiness that comes after sadness. During Covid, we witnessed many things. 2020 was a roller coaster ride. We have seen good, we have seen bad and we have seen terrible things. But we believed that things will get normal someday. And as we believed things are getting normal slowly. 

I like the dichotomy between pain, love, and how some people choose to live in that pain in the book. Comment?

Yes, some people choose to live in pain. It is not because they love the pain. But sometimes some people don’t even know that they are in pain. They immerse themselves to a level where they don’t even recognize the pain. One of the characters in my book Diya is in love with a man. She gave everything to him out of love. But she never got the same love back. Still, she doesn’t stop loving him. She suffers inside, She cries every day. But she never complains. We know that she is in pain when we are reading her story. But for her it’s love. So some people live in pain out of helplessness and out of love.  

‘Faith gives us strength, it is good to have faith. But when that faith turns into delusion’. You make a very profound statement. I believe in practical faith, unconditional love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and mercy. Do we have something in common?

Yes, I made that statement in my recent blog. I believe that there is a thin line between faith and delusion. Faith gives us strength. We pray to the superior power. According to our religions and cultures, we give him so many names. But God is always one. When we do good, when we help others, when we are kind and generous to others he resides within us. He is in everything we do. He is the reason we wake up every day and lead our normal lives. But I believe faith has its limits. God will help a man who works hard. When we give 100% to something we want and we work hard for it. We should leave the result to God. Work hard and wait with patience. God will make it happen. But they are people who want only miracles and don’t want to work hard. That is when delusion replaces faith. It is good to believe. It is good to trust. But trust yourself first then God will reside within you. Don’t replace faith with fear and take extremes steps out of superstitious beliefs.

Define what women empowerment means to you?

To me, women empowerment is something when women help each other, learn together, and grow together. Women from all walks of life are empowered when they are given a chance to share their thoughts. When their point of view matters in their personal and professional lives. When women have a choice to choose their careers, their future, and their partner. Women are more capable of doing things than cooking meals and making love. But, sadly, the world never thinks in that way. Still, in some parts of the world, women are not allowed to study, they can’t wear modern dresses. They can’t go out alone. Our body gets more attention from society than our knowledge. Our place is decided by our gender. We always get fewer chances to prove ourselves just because we are feminine. This can be and will be changed only when women emp1ower each other and support each other. 

How is your generation of women different from your mom’s and grandmother’s generation?

At the time of my Grandmother’s generation, women were always considered weak. Before they are married they were dependent on their fathers. When they are married they used to depend on their husbands and when they grew old they used to depend on their sons. They never had a voice or chance to make any choice. But this changed at the time of my mom’s generation. They stepped out of their homes. They educated themselves and started doing jobs. They were given importance because of their jobs, but the pay and options were less for them. Now my generation has plenty of opportunities. We became the decision-makers of our lives. We have a choice and technology has made our lives easy. Now any woman can work from anywhere. We have freedom. But it is a LIMITED FREEDOM, LIMITED RESPECT. Like I said before, we are never treated equally because we are feminine. I hope this changes in the next generation.

I want to know about the food scene in your city. What are some of the specialties?

Like I said I’m from Hyderabad, and Hyderabad is famous globally for its delectable food. Dum Biryani is a famous food in our city. We have a lot of upscale restaurants, drive-ins, affordable food spots, food trucks, breakfast centers, and branded chains of restaurants. And we Hyderabadi people love to explore new cuisines every day. We get all types of food. South Indian, Chinese, Continental, Traditional Andhra Cuisine, Mexican, Italian, and many more cuisines and sweets from every region. My favorite foods are Hyderabadi Dum Biryani, Raju Gari Kodi Pulav, Ramki Bandi Breakfast, Kurkure Momos, Haleem, Donne Biryani, vegetarian food from Subbayagari Hotel, and sweets from Vasi Reddy foods. 

You have an MBA. What did you learn at MBA school that you did not know before? For me was a cultural fit.

I learned so much about the world and the opportunities when I was in the MBA program. My professors were very supportive. Mr. Ramprasad was my business law professor and Dean Padma supported me and motivated me. They always made me believe that I can do more in my life. I have represented my MBA college in a lot of national conferences and spoke about RTI, ‘Make in India’, and many more topics. Sometimes I was the only young girl attending seminars in a room full of men in their 50’s. I learned to be independent and fearless. It was a wonderful phase of my life.

Finally, what is one key takeaway that you want the readers to take from your book?

I would like to say one thing to my readers from all across the globe through this book is to NEVER GIVE UP. If you lose your job, try to find a new job, if you fail in an exam try writing again, if you fail in love, try falling in love again. If you fail in something, it doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean that you will stop living. Failure always gives you another opportunity to do better in your life. Something better will be always in store for you. And your hope is your biggest strength. All you need to do is hold it tight, work hard, and move forward no matter what happens in your life. 

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A Valuable Lesson on Hope

Carolyn Gerber Hofauer created a meal train for us in April of this year. I love to volunteer, love to give, and for the first time in my life, I am on the receiving end. Gerry Bell challenged me to ask for help as Debbie is fighting cancer. The truth is I am blessing them by allowing them to serve me. A tough concept for me, but I embrace it.

Telesforo Rodas and his daughter River are the second people to drop food for us. I come back from work, and Debbie tells me a father and daughter team dropped food for us. Debbie shows me a rock with hope and love painted on it. I take the rock and place it outside our home.  A few weeks later, they bring another meal. This time there are Hope, Love, and Faith on the stone painted by Lyrica Dunnett, Sky Rodas, and River Rodas. I do not know the Rodas family personally, nor do I know them by name. A while later, I post on a forum thanking the community for providing us with meals. I also ask for the name of the father-daughter team that delivered the meal and painted hope and love on the stone. Lisa Rodas replies saying it was her husband and daughter.

The previous week Devon Dienesch’s daughter drew a few words of encouragement. Debbie takes that with her every time she goes for chemo.

As my wife battles cancer, COVID on the rise, and the economy in shambles, will my grit, optimism, self-efficacy, ability, soft skills or talent get me through these challenging times?

There is a reason River has written HOPE on this stone. What is she trying to tell me? What is her message? Why now?

What is hope? How can we use it in our lives? What are the humanistic, psychological, and spiritual connotations of hope? How do I use hope to get through these challenging times? Is it some vague spiritual concept? Or some esoteric framework designed in the ivory towers of academia. As I navigate hope in my own life, I want to look at it from a spiritual, humanist, and psychological perspective.

Charles Snyder in the Hope Theory posits that hope consists of agency and pathways. Hope helps the individual with the will to overcome the hurdles in life and provides various ways to overcome it. Liz Day in her research states that hope is linked to divergent thinking. Rebecca Gorres in her research on situational hope found that it leads to divergent thinking and different ways to cope with problems in life. She clearly differentiates between hope, self-efficacy, and optimism. Philip Magaletta and J. Oliver in their research found that hope is superior to self-efficacy and optimism.

Sure, professors can write about this stuff in the towers of academia. I am hurting. I am struggling. I could lose my wife. So many of my close friends are divorced. I have worked so hard on my marriage. I could lose her before my 19th anniversary. Life is not fair.

Lawrence Rifkin in Humanist Magazine talks about “The humanist worldview is filled with hope. We may be made of matter, but we decide what matters. It is through meaningful human action that a blank computer screen can become a poem, that slavery can become freedom. We can help others, alleviate suffering, and experience beauty. Humanism is not just the rejection of an idea. Humanism is an affirmation. It is a positive, clear-eyed response to our one world. It is saying ‘yes’, not saying ‘no.’”

This answer does not help me personally. Abstract philosophical concepts are too abstract for me when I am hurting. There is no substitute for love.

Lawrence Rifkin when pushed for providing hope for the hurting and the despondent states clearly that ‘humanism is not about hope. It’s about facing the world as it actually exists and making the best of it.’ I like how Rifkin does end his essay by saying get together with someone who is hurting, listen to them, and encourage them.

Hinduism looks at hope with Pratidhi which is a desire or a wish for something good to happen. Ok. I get it. Should I just wish for Debbie’s cancer to disappear?

Seyed Shirvani talks about hope in the Quran through the prism of Raja, Amal, and Tamanna. Raja means waiting for something, Amal means a desire and Tamanna means to make a request. I want the healing to happen now. I want the pain, suffering, and invasive treatments to stop.

From a Jewish perspective, Jonathan Sacks explains it best ‘Western civilization is the product of two cultures: ancient Greece and ancient Israel. The Greeks believed in fate: the future is determined by the past. Jews believed in freedom: there is no ‘evil decree’ that cannot be averted. The Greeks gave the world the concept of tragedy. Jews gave it the idea of hope. The whole of Judaism – though it would take a book to show it – is a set of laws and narratives designed to create in people, families, communities, and a nation, habits that defeat despair. Judaism is the voice of hope in the conversation of mankind’.

The three theological virtues of Christianity are faith, hope, and love. River, Sky, and Lyrica you got me.

From the Christian perspective, Psalm 42:5 says Hope in God! For an independent, rebellious, broken, and messed up individual like me this ‘hoping in God’ concept does not come naturally. However, I have to drill it into my inner psyche.

Biblical hope gives me an emotional shock absorber to handle the wrong, be loving, and not get caught up in a victim mentality or self-pity. With Debbie battling cancer, the emotional engine allows me to persevere.

Hope is an eagerness for something favorable to happen in the future. Biblical hope is not just eagerness for Debbie to get healed but being confident about it and expecting it to happen. There is moral credence in it. What River was telling me is just do not cross your fingers that Debbie will get healed but expect great things from the Creator. I looked at Hebrews 6:9-12 ‘each one of you to show the same earnestness in realizing the full assurance of hope until the end’. I cannot afford to be lethargic but be zealous and pursue the full assurance of hope.

River, I have my doubts. Can I have this hope? Does it prepare me to see my wife ravaged by cancer? The role of a caretaker is tough and challenging.

Doubt is the natural adversary of biblical faith. Hope is an integral part of faith. OK, River, you got me. I give up.

As we get older, we have to embrace pain, suffering, disappointment, and things not going as planned. The more you embrace these issues the better you will do. In a matter of weeks, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, had a mastectomy, a job offer for me was rescinded due to COVID, the fridge broke down, the fence broke and we had a major infestation in our house caused by a box given to us.

I really had to have the attitude of ‘what now’ instead of ‘why me’. I had to be grateful and focus on the positive. I had to be resilient. Finally, I had to focus on hope. As a man of faith, I had to accept my brokenness. When you are broken, the light comes in. The light gives you hope.

I do not know the Rodas family. It was the thought of one young girl in her innocence to get the ball rolling that challenged me to my core. Thank you, River, Sky, and Lyrica. The stones are outside for everyone to see. Every day before I enter my house, I read the words on those stones. I am encouraged, strengthened, lifted high, and it has changed me forever. Your one act has created a ripple that will have an everlasting impact.

As you read this, I hope your reservoir is overflowing like Niagara Falls, deep down in the dam of your soul, the hydroelectric generator of peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love will churn the new power of glory and help you to have hope to deal with the postmodern dystopian world of pain and darkness.

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Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented – Sonja Lyubomirsky

Prologue

On a cold day in January 2016, I am flying to London, UK, to get trained for two weeks for a dream job. The same year, one of my closest friends, Bill McLean, died of cancer. I was like 2017 better be good. In November 2017, a high school classmate died of a heart attack. In February 2018, I was talking to one of my closest friends from university, and that same night, he passed away. His death hit me hard. It took me a good six months to recover. 2019 was going well. I had great plans for 2020. In one week in December 2019, I was laid off from a start-up, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, and my mom’s health was deteriorating. In March 2020, the day I was going to get a job offer, the COVID quarantine hit. Talk about a perfect storm.

My parents, friends, and work colleagues were all commenting on how well I was handling the storm.

Do you want an abundance of physical, mental, and social bliss? How about feeling optimistic, happy, and connected even during challenging times? I am sure you want better sleep, self-esteem, high energy, a stronger immune system, better emotional intelligence, and to build a capacity to forgive.

I have the answer. It is gratitude.

What is Gratitude

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation – Brian Tracy

The Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. It is derived from the Latin word gratia which stands for gratefulness, grace, or graciousness. When a human being receives something whether tangible or intangible and shows a thankful appreciation, it is gratitude. The person focuses on the positive in their life. Positive thinking helps the person to connect with something bigger than them, to other people, nature, and God.

Thesaurus has a few synonyms for gratitude and a whole subset of words and meaning attached to it. The synonyms are thankfulness, gratefulness, tribute, acknowledgment, appreciation, benediction, and recognition for the good in their life.

Gratitude and forgiveness have been my two biggest weaknesses. I have written extensively in this blog about it. It was only after marriage that Debbie has taught me about these two amazing qualities.

Modern Psychology and Gratitude

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Martin Seligman a famous psychologist did something very revolutionary more than three decades ago. Until that time psychologists focused on negative emotions like stress, addiction, trauma, and mental illness. Seligman looked at altruism, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, optimism, and gratitude.

Robert Emmons is the world’s leading expert on gratitude. His research has shown that expressing gratitude has a positive impact on human beings by improving their mental, physical, and relational well-being, and the effect lasts long.

Randy Kamen another psychologist talks about focusing on what you have rather than what is lacking in your life. The goal is to retrain the brain and to see the positive.

Gratitude was always part of the philosophical and religious domain in academia. So, it is interesting to see Psychologists getting interested in this area.

The benefits of An Attitude of Gratitude

I’ve had a remarkable life. I seem to be in such good places at the right time. You know, if you were to ask me to sum my life up in one word, gratitude – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

An attitude of gratitude is a choice, a habit that has to be developed and strengthened daily to gain the benefits. Gratitude detaches us and redeems us from negative feelings and toxic emotions. Gratitude leads to joy. Gratitude has a positive influence on the brain that is long-lasting. Gratitude improves relationships and problem-solving skills. Gratitude makes us better learners. It may seem contrived in the beginning but trust me as time passes you will notice a big difference.

The Journal of Applied Sport Psychology in a study in 2014 stated that gratitude improves self-esteem. Personality and Individual Differences published a study in 2012 that found that gratitude improves physical health. In the same year, the University of Kentucky’s research on gratitude found it improves empathy and reduces aggression. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in a 2003 study concluded that gratitude helped people in building resilience after 9/11.

How to develop an attitude of gratitude

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer

Keep a Journal

In 2011, research published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being found that writing a gratitude journal improves sleep. I have found this has helped me tremendously. I have a personal gratitude journal. It is easy for me to focus on friends that I have lost, setbacks in my career, career moves I should have made. I do not stress on coming up with things or making up stuff.  By keeping a gratitude journal, my mental health is better as I am not focusing on envy or resentment but focusing on the positive in my life and how blessed it is.

However, I am focusing on:

I still have an amazing set of friends from grade 8, high school, university, and the business world. There are a few in Toronto that I have been doing breakfast or lunch once a month for the last 25 years

I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes, money in the bank and two cars outside

Grateful for OHIP (free medical care in Ontario)

I am in good health

I have a job working from home

Living in one of the best cities in the best country in the world

People who we do not know cooking food for us

People driving Debbie to her appointments

Debbie and Jean love me unconditionally

I am one of the few people I know that have both their parents alive

As you focus on the positive, you are more joyful. I even tell Debbie, what if cancer happened a decade back? She was running a daycare and Jean was only 6. I have never created a fake sense of blessedness. I focus on counting all the blessings I have.

Say and write thank you often

Today I wrote a note of thanks to all the people who are delivering meals to us. I thank fellow bloggers for following me or inspiring me. As you show your appreciation you just get this great feeling. You are also nurturing your own relationship with the other person. Let them know how they impact your life. I also want to challenge you to write a thank you letter to yourself.

Practice breathing

I am horrible at meditation. One of the things I do is just sit and breathe. It calms me down. As I breathe I just focus on all the positive things that are happening in my life. As I am practicing gratitude I am also training my brain to focus on the positive aspect of life. As I breathe, I am also focusing on the positive that is going around me. The brain is calm. The positive affirmations are entering your subconscious mind.

Pray

I do this often and often go for long walks just to contemplate.

How to deal with challenges that stop you from being grateful

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul — Rabbi Harold Kushner

We all have a critical inner voice. That negative inner voice has to be silenced. If it is not silenced it can play havoc with us feeling grateful. If you listen to the inner voice you can become bitter and resentful and not allow any love or compassion to creep in.

I want to show an example of listening to the critical inner voice versus embracing gratitude.

I have planned a golf outing with a friend of mine for Sunday afternoon. I am looking forward to it and as the day approaches it is raining heavily. I freak out. I get worked up and emotional that the day is ruined. I take it personally and start blaming the weather for my mood. I take out my frustration with my wife. My perception was that the rain messed up my weekend. My negative thought patterns which started in my critical inner voice have now been blown out of proportion. It has a negative influence on my wife and daughter.

My friend, on the other hand, was also looking forward to playing golf. He accepted the rain and surrendered. He called me and told me that he will focus on cleaning the house and then cook for his wife. He also thinks the grass does not have to be watered. My friend made a conscious and intentional decision to make the best out of the situation. At the end of the day, it is all about perception. My friend surrendered with humility.

Epilogue

The last few months have been hectic. I was going to work then rushing back, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. The truth was I was burning out. All my life from a young age I have been a volunteer. Even at the new job, I was driving people. Someone approached me at the office and said ‘Jerry, this is the time for you to be selfish. COVID-19 is happening and your wife’s immune system is compromised. You do not have to drive anyone’.

Someone challenged me to ask for help. I hate asking for help. The person reminded me that I am stopping other people from getting blessed. It was my pride and being a control freak that did not want to ask for help. And then due to high winds, my fence came down.

As a result of that conversation, I pleaded for help. I just explained what was going on in our lives. Carolyn Gerber who was bringing us meals for the last couple of weeks made a meal train, and the love, support and offers just poured in.

On Monday, after I was looking at the damage the wind had done and was stepping out, I see a van parked in front of my house. I see some young kids in the back of the car and the mother offers me food. Her name is Devon Dienesch. I am blown away. We have a quick chat and we have a few common acquaintances and I take the food inside. Debbie shows me the note with the food. Later that night I read the note and I just started crying. Here was this encouraging note from an innocent child.

I have a choice to focus on the fence and all the other challenges I am facing or seeing the goodness in all these people who are going out of their way and serving us.

I was then reminded of the time in grade 11 and 12 for early morning service at Bishop Cotton School, reading in front of 300 boys, Philippians 4:6: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

I remembered Arun Sachdev a heart surgeon visiting from Thailand and as Vipul Goel was driving us to Niagara, Arun started quoting Psalm 7:17: I will thank the Lord because he is just; I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High. I am like you still remember those scriptures and you are Hindu, dude.

No matter what comes my way, I will be grateful. I know many of you are going through challenges. It is not going to be easy. Be grateful.

Photo Credits: Brooke Cagle Gian Cescon Erriko Boccia Gabrielle Henderson Priscilla Du Preez  AndriyKo Podilnyk

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