What is brokenness?

The dictionary defines brokenness as fractured, forcible separation, sundered by divorce, desertion by parents, having been violated, being in a state of disarray, a broken spirit, crushed by grief, suffering from a broken heart, financially or morally bankrupt, and not functioning.

The truth is we live in a broken world. The fabric of our lives is torn with grief, loss, pain, suffering, fear, hatred, racism, discrimination, poverty, judgment, alienation, insecurity, hunger, and violence. As a result, brokenness is everywhere.

We want answers. We cry out through social media or lash out and want explanations, answers, and hope in our brokenness.

We are just coming out from one of the most challenging times our generation has faced. What will life look like post-Covid? There is a lot of uncertainty out there.

Each and everyone has a role to play. We need to deal with our own brokenness. We have to become intentional in healing ourselves and others.

We need to become better listeners and be the salt, the light on the mountain and provide rays of hope through the heart of disillusionment, distrust, anxiety, resentment, and division. We can only do that by being patient, kind, gentle, compassionate, loving unconditionally, forgiving, and being grateful.

I am a big believer in being healed. It will require work. It will require introspection. It will require writing down stuff. It will require talking to other people. You cannot carry the pain. It will literally kill you. If you deal with your prejudices, loneliness, unrealized dreams, stress, worry, guilt, and shame there is joy on the other side.

I spend an hour a day, getting to know my followers across social media. I want to know who they are, why do they follow me, what is so unique and special about them. Queeny Yalangi started following me a few weeks back. I was intrigued by the nom de plume. I soon realized she was an author, podcaster, blogger and worked in the corporate world. Queeny has amazing insights into pain, suffering, love, and disappointment and I love that she used the word brokenness in her book. We talk about food, culture, brokenness, love, and women’s empowerment.

Hello Queeny, can you tell my audience something about yourself?

Hello Jerry, this is Queeny Yalangi, author of Life in Hyderabad: A city of tales. I’m from Hyderabad, India. I’m a blogger, podcast speaker, chef, and abstract painter. I’m an MBA graduate, but my love for books and the English language made me a writer. I work for an MNC, but writing is my first love. 

I want to know what Life in Hyderabad: A city of tales is all about?

Life in Hyderabad is a book of anecdotes, the stories of love, longing, pain, and optimism. I believe that there are many stories in the world, but only a few are heard. My idea behind writing Life in Hyderabad is to introduce common people and their untold stories. Some people fall in love, some people live in love, some people dwell in that pain forever. Some stories have a happy ending while some remain without an ending. Some people express their love to the person whom they love, while some sacrifice their love. So Life in Hyderabad is the voice of all these stories. I also added a  few poems and my original minimalist illustrations in this book at the beginning of each story. Every story is different from others. All these stories are born out of inspiration and observation. I observe people around me, I see their pain, I see their story. And whenever I feel like a story needs a voice, I write that story. So Life in Hyderabad is all about these stories.

We are all broken. The common people, unique, unconventional, outliers, and the stars. I believe to be healed and move forward, we have to accept our brokenness. What is the path of your characters in this journey?

In this book, you will meet the characters who lost everything, the people who are left alone by their loved ones, also the people who are waiting for their love. Every one of them lost something or the other faced setbacks, was abandoned, left out by everyone. But they never lost their hope. They started living with hope. They suffered, they accepted the pain, they healed themselves, they never gave up and they never stopped hoping. And that hope made them move forward each day. This is what inspired me to write their stories. 

Your characters are lost in darkness. Is there a light in their life? What is it about them that they do not want to give up and stay resilient?

Yes, the characters in this book are lost in darkness and broken inside. But they also had good times in their life. They all had normal lives, but life is a cycle of good and bad. Our choices affect our lives. Some chose to live in darkness, but some choose to walk towards the light. My characters chose to move on. They embraced every moment of their lives. They overcame the uncertainties. They found solace in suffering. They moved forward. It is the hope that made them live. They waited with patience for things to happen. They chose to wait instead of giving up. That is what made them walk towards the light. I would say that hope made them stay resilient.

What is hope all about? You cover it in your book. I truly believe we all need hope post covid.

I believe that hope is something that makes us live. To me, hope is that dawn that comes after every dark night, it is happiness that comes after sadness. During Covid, we witnessed many things. 2020 was a roller coaster ride. We have seen good, we have seen bad and we have seen terrible things. But we believed that things will get normal someday. And as we believed things are getting normal slowly. 

I like the dichotomy between pain, love, and how some people choose to live in that pain in the book. Comment?

Yes, some people choose to live in pain. It is not because they love the pain. But sometimes some people don’t even know that they are in pain. They immerse themselves to a level where they don’t even recognize the pain. One of the characters in my book Diya is in love with a man. She gave everything to him out of love. But she never got the same love back. Still, she doesn’t stop loving him. She suffers inside, She cries every day. But she never complains. We know that she is in pain when we are reading her story. But for her it’s love. So some people live in pain out of helplessness and out of love.  

‘Faith gives us strength, it is good to have faith. But when that faith turns into delusion’. You make a very profound statement. I believe in practical faith, unconditional love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and mercy. Do we have something in common?

Yes, I made that statement in my recent blog. I believe that there is a thin line between faith and delusion. Faith gives us strength. We pray to the superior power. According to our religions and cultures, we give him so many names. But God is always one. When we do good, when we help others, when we are kind and generous to others he resides within us. He is in everything we do. He is the reason we wake up every day and lead our normal lives. But I believe faith has its limits. God will help a man who works hard. When we give 100% to something we want and we work hard for it. We should leave the result to God. Work hard and wait with patience. God will make it happen. But they are people who want only miracles and don’t want to work hard. That is when delusion replaces faith. It is good to believe. It is good to trust. But trust yourself first then God will reside within you. Don’t replace faith with fear and take extremes steps out of superstitious beliefs.

Define what women empowerment means to you?

To me, women empowerment is something when women help each other, learn together, and grow together. Women from all walks of life are empowered when they are given a chance to share their thoughts. When their point of view matters in their personal and professional lives. When women have a choice to choose their careers, their future, and their partner. Women are more capable of doing things than cooking meals and making love. But, sadly, the world never thinks in that way. Still, in some parts of the world, women are not allowed to study, they can’t wear modern dresses. They can’t go out alone. Our body gets more attention from society than our knowledge. Our place is decided by our gender. We always get fewer chances to prove ourselves just because we are feminine. This can be and will be changed only when women emp1ower each other and support each other. 

How is your generation of women different from your mom’s and grandmother’s generation?

At the time of my Grandmother’s generation, women were always considered weak. Before they are married they were dependent on their fathers. When they are married they used to depend on their husbands and when they grew old they used to depend on their sons. They never had a voice or chance to make any choice. But this changed at the time of my mom’s generation. They stepped out of their homes. They educated themselves and started doing jobs. They were given importance because of their jobs, but the pay and options were less for them. Now my generation has plenty of opportunities. We became the decision-makers of our lives. We have a choice and technology has made our lives easy. Now any woman can work from anywhere. We have freedom. But it is a LIMITED FREEDOM, LIMITED RESPECT. Like I said before, we are never treated equally because we are feminine. I hope this changes in the next generation.

I want to know about the food scene in your city. What are some of the specialties?

Like I said I’m from Hyderabad, and Hyderabad is famous globally for its delectable food. Dum Biryani is a famous food in our city. We have a lot of upscale restaurants, drive-ins, affordable food spots, food trucks, breakfast centers, and branded chains of restaurants. And we Hyderabadi people love to explore new cuisines every day. We get all types of food. South Indian, Chinese, Continental, Traditional Andhra Cuisine, Mexican, Italian, and many more cuisines and sweets from every region. My favorite foods are Hyderabadi Dum Biryani, Raju Gari Kodi Pulav, Ramki Bandi Breakfast, Kurkure Momos, Haleem, Donne Biryani, vegetarian food from Subbayagari Hotel, and sweets from Vasi Reddy foods. 

You have an MBA. What did you learn at MBA school that you did not know before? For me was a cultural fit.

I learned so much about the world and the opportunities when I was in the MBA program. My professors were very supportive. Mr. Ramprasad was my business law professor and Dean Padma supported me and motivated me. They always made me believe that I can do more in my life. I have represented my MBA college in a lot of national conferences and spoke about RTI, ‘Make in India’, and many more topics. Sometimes I was the only young girl attending seminars in a room full of men in their 50’s. I learned to be independent and fearless. It was a wonderful phase of my life.

Finally, what is one key takeaway that you want the readers to take from your book?

I would like to say one thing to my readers from all across the globe through this book is to NEVER GIVE UP. If you lose your job, try to find a new job, if you fail in an exam try writing again, if you fail in love, try falling in love again. If you fail in something, it doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean that you will stop living. Failure always gives you another opportunity to do better in your life. Something better will be always in store for you. And your hope is your biggest strength. All you need to do is hold it tight, work hard, and move forward no matter what happens in your life. 

The post Dealing with brokenness appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Brittany Burns is a mother, wife, and someone who loves people.

International Women’s Day (IWD) is celebrated on March 8^th every year. It is an important day for women’s rights. On February 28, 1909, the Socialist Party of America organized a Women’s Day in New York City. In 1910 at the International Socialist Woman’s Conference, German delegates Paula Thiede, Kate Duncker, and Clara Zetkin suggested a ‘special Women’s Day’ be organized. In 1917, women gained suffrage in Russia and March 8 became a national holiday. Women’s Day was celebrated only in communist and socialist countries. In 1967, the feminist movement adopted it. In 1977, the United Nations began celebrating it.

Four Columns is all about inspiring and empowering women to live a balanced life. To celebrate Women’s Day, I am interviewing various women, from different backgrounds. Brittany Burns talks about life as a mother.

Brittany Burns, it is an honor for me to have you answer questions on my blog. Tell my audience something important about you?

Hi Jerry. Thanks for having me on your blog. Hmm, something important about me… Well, the most important thing is that I’m a follower of Jesus Christ. I’m also a wife and mother of 2 incredible kids.

I call your family Kennedy’s. Rich, powerful, good-looking, the men are tall, not dark, but that is OK. Talk to me about growing up as Brittany Burns with the Burns? 

Ha-ha. I literally had the best childhood. Growing up in my family, I was truly “#blessed”. I’m the oldest of my siblings and kind of paved the way for my brother and sister. My parents were and are incredible parents. Over my 31 years on this earth, they have modeled such an amazing marriage. I would say the success of that is because of how they both individually and together, put God first. Sure, they’re not perfect. But they were real. They showed us how to lean on the Lord during both life’s struggles and life’s successes. I would also say the reason that we are all so close and remain tight-knit as a family is because of the unconditional love they showed us. Growing up, I knew that no matter what I did, they would always love me and nothing could ever change that. My home was always a place of safety, love, and comfort. I remember coming home from high-school after having had a rough day, and as soon I walked in the door, I felt as though the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. I had truly had a great childhood.

Talk to me about what you have learned from your mom, dad, brother, and sister. Also, name an instance you had a massive disagreement with them and it all worked out?

I have learned so much from each one of them.

From my mom, I learned what love really looks like. Like I mentioned earlier, both my parents loved us unconditionally. This is something I’ve brought into my own marriage and family with my kids. Knowing how to love your kids, on purpose. I know that sounds so obvious, but it’s more than the obvious. It’s on such a deeper level. It’s this stirring within your soul, knowing each of your children so well, who God created them to be. Knowing exactly when something isn’t right or is “off”, and just being there to offer a warm hug, smile, or simply your presence.

From my dad, I learned how to work hard. I like to think I have a very strong work ethic, and I owe it to him. He’s one of the hardest working people I know. I watched him provide for our family for many years through hard work, discipline, and perseverance. He worked in the corporate business world for many years commuting downtown from the rural outskirts of the GTA. If you live in Toronto, you know that’s not always easy. On top of that, he would wake up super early in the morning to fit in a workout, to maintain his health. He also taught me how to play soccer and coached my teams. He taught me to always do your best and to finish well. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. But to be the best you can be. I have never quit anything I’ve ever started because of him.

From my brother, I learned about justice. He is someone with a genuine concern for justice and fair treatment. He is naturally shy and some may think quiet. But if you really know him, you would know how bold and courageous he can be about speaking up about things important to him concerning just behavior.

From my sister, I learned how to be more aware of caring for others. She is a registered nurse at a private hospital. It takes a special kind of person to be a nurse, and she is beyond special. She has such a heart for those in need – whether it be spiritual care, physical care, or emotional care.

In terms of when we had a massive disagreement, I honestly can’t think of one. Yes, we had disagreements growing up, often. But we were raised to communicate and express how you were feeling. That may not always have been done in the kindest way all the time. But we learned to problem solve and navigate social situations effectively.

Walk with me and explain your career path and how you realized the corporate world was not for you?

As I was attending York University, I was working at a summer placement job downtown. This led to an opportunity to continue part-time while completing my thesis during my last year of University. The company hired me full-time upon graduation. I have my Honours Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, not exactly an area of business expertise. The job paid extremely well, offered a great benefits/pension package – the works. I learned the roles and responsibilities of the job, worked hard, and performed well. I quickly learned this was not something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I informed my employer that I would finish out my contract, but that I would not be returning upon its completion. I saw my coworkers who were unhappy, exhausted, and “stuck” in a job they didn’t like. They were dependent on that paycheque – mortgage, kids, car payments. They couldn’t leave. I didn’t want the same future. I saw it as a decision between money, or my happiness and future. I felt the Lord so deeply prompting me to trust in Him, that he would provide for me what He knew I needed and would fit me so well. I was unemployed for about 4 months and even saw a Life Coach. I wanted someone with some outside perspective to help me navigate “what’s next”. I ended up getting a part-time job with my current employer as an educator. Doors and opportunities continued to be opened to me. I knew God was making good on His promise. Long story short, I love my job. I get to teach and support children and families from all walks of life. My job has allowed me to work full time and part-time, based on the needs of my family. I’ve had 2 maternity leaves’ and re-integrated into the workplace twice, with such ease because of the great job I have. First and foremost, I’m a wife and mother. I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to continue to put my family first and work part-time.

How has marriage changed your life?

I really had to think about this one. I’ve been married for 8 years, but together with my husband for 16. Marriage is an adventure. I would say marriage is simply going through the ups and downs of life with my partner in crime. Cherish and enjoy the good, easy times. Grow, struggle together, and learn from the difficult times. My husband and I are so different in many ways, but we also share some similarities. We have learned to communicate well with one another (most of the time ha-ha), and once we have established what each other’s expectations are, with God at the center, there’s no stopping us. I saw a quote about marriage posted on Pinterest the other day that made me laugh and I would say it’s totally accurate: “90 percent of being married is just yelling ‘What?’ from other rooms.”

How has motherhood made you look at life differently?

Motherhood has made me appreciate and cherish the small things. I love my kids fiercely. I love who God created them to be. I am trying to be more cognizant of being in the “now”. I feel like I blinked, and my firstborn is now 5. Even though there are times when it is difficult to be a parent, it is so important to be reminded of just how quickly these years pass. I remember when I was first pregnant, and people would say to me, “It goes by so fast.” And it’s so true, it really does.

Give some advice to yourself when you were 14 and 24?

14-year-old me – Learn to let things go, and know that God is ultimately in control.

24-year-old me – I had just gotten married and was soon to have a baby on the way – so I would say take advantage of SLEEP and “me time”.

Rapid Fire

Favorite movie – Beauty and the Beast

Favorite actor – Charlize Theron

Favorite restaurant – State and Main

Someone famous you want to have a meal with – Bear Grylls

If you were chosen to go to Mars and were allowed only 4 things what would it be – My family, my Bible, my phone, my duvet.

Talk to me about food, finance, family and faith and how do you balance it all?

Well, this is an all-encompassing question lol. I’ll do my best to break it down for you.

Let’s start with faith, as it’s the center of it all. Without my faith, everything else would crumble. Putting God first is essential to the rest of my life functioning as it does. I make an effort to spend time each day with the Lord and surrender my own expectations and plans. I truly rely on God’s unique plan for each aspect of my life. Sometimes there’s a way I think things should go, but God decides otherwise. I’ve learned to be obedient and He has transformed my heart to desire the things He wants for me.

With regard to finance, I’ll basically bring it back to faith. Yes, we have to be practical and work to provide an income. However, God has truly blessed us in how he has allowed both my husband and I to work and provide an income in our own niche environments unique to each of us. Work environments that we both actually like, and are skilled at.

Food. Cooking is not my forte. However, I do like to eat. I haven’t always had the healthiest diet. But, after I got married and had kids, health became a huge factor in my life. I wanted to provide food that was healthy and good for their growing little bodies. I won’t get into the crunchy, organic (sometimes annoying) details. But I do make an effort, where budget allows, to purchase organic produce. My kids eat well, for the most part. They have very different palates and can be picky when it comes to vegetables. I’ve gotten really good at hiding fruits and veggies into food that most of the time goes undetected. Basically, I’m happy if everybody has gotten a decent amount of fruits and veggies into them by the end of the day.

Family is everything. As I’ve talked about, there is a love within our family that runs deep. I love everything about my sweet little family of 4. Things aren’t always easy, and we aren’t perfect, but I wouldn’t change a thing. There are so much joy and happiness, laughter, and adventure.

The post Brittany Burns: Spectacular Wife and Mother appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Faith, Hope & Love sustained me through 2020. Well! Hindsight is always 20|20.

I can relate to Saint Augustine when he said “Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe”. As I saw my wife’s body ravaged by cancer and the brutal impact of chemo, I was clinging to my faith. As she lay in bed for days after each treatment, I kept rubbing her back, maintained human touch, and hung on to what Martin Luther King, Jr. said: “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope”. As the community cooked for us, served us, drove Debbie to her appointments, and helped us financially, I was reminded of “Give your hands to serve, and your hearts to love” by Mother Teresa.

That sums up my 2020. How was your 2020? Lost a job, a loved one, your home, marriage, spouse, child, pet, or the equity in your condo. Do not give up hope. Have faith and love unconditionally. Faith is the greatest asset we have. Hope ends when you stop believing. Love ends when you stop caring.

The mission of Four Columns is to focus on food, faith, finance, and family empowering and inspiring women to live a balanced life in the 21st century. The vision is to make a difference in the lives of one million women in a decade. The theme for 2021 at Fourcolumns will be  Hope.

Read this interview, take just one point and apply it to your life. I want to apply love in action.

A final salvo. If you are a male reader who is in a leadership position in the religious landscape then the time has come to invite women to the table. Give them a voice. Listen to understand not to speak. Women are breaking the glass ceiling in every industry. Women are outperforming men in universities across North America. Create a ripple and make a difference. Leave a legacy for the next generation of women.

Gillianne, welcome to Four Columns. I want my audience to know something important about you?

I don’t know anything necessarily important about me, but I’d say that I’m a simple person who prefers being in the background while supporting others. I love teamwork and achieving things together. I’m known as ‘Mama G’ to the kids in our orphanage in Haiti that we started about 4 years ago, as well as to those in the surrounding community there. I love music and singing – it helps bring me closer to God. I’m also a sucker for ol’ sappy love songs. I appreciate the calm around me, but yet still love having fun.

You have been in the ministry for a quarter of a century. Was it always your dream or goal? What drew you to it?

No, it wasn’t always my goal (I’m actually a ‘numbers’ gal at heart – accounting). I was asked to be an intern in the ministry, by the couple who was leading the church at the time. I loved God and I loved people – so it seemed like a great opportunity to combine the two. Though there have been hard times during the years, I’ve never looked back or pursued anything else, and I don’t regret my initial choice. I love being able to help and to see God’s Word change people’s life. It’s inspiring and faith-building for me too.

Burnout is high in the ministry. Talk to me about some of the boundaries you have used and how you take time for self-care?

Great question – it’s so true! I believe we were taught back in the day, that much of the responsibility of others’ spiritual life, rested on our (ministry leaders’) shoulders. I understand the Bible says that we need to carry each other’s burdens, but, personally, I think we (me included) relied more on ourselves than on God. Now, I try to just love people to Jesus, rather than trying to ‘fix them myself.’ Now, I don’t feel guilty if I need to say ‘no’ to something or someone. I take time for me to get recharged – doing things I enjoy (movies, singing, discovering new dishes to cook…), getting massages, reading spiritual books – while still trying to work hard for God and others. I know exercise is good too but I can be lazy.

How has marriage changed your life? Were there any surprises?

I’m so grateful that God gave me a passionate and visionary man who would sometimes help take me out of my comfort zone and live life to the full for God (even while digging my heels in the ground at times!). One of our favorite books is “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. Its preface is, ‘What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.’ This was a shock to me because before I became a Christian (and even a bit deep down in my heart after I became a Christian), I always thought my husband was supposed to make me happy. Through our 21 years of marriage, God’s given me opportunities to be more like Jesus (holier), as I face disagreements, disappointments, and challenges in our marriage at times (ex. me needing to be more patient, selfless, kind, respectful, not nagging).

Talk to a 16, 25, and 30-year-old female as to what are some of the core qualities they need to see in a guy for a long, sustainable, and successful marriage?

I believe there are many qualities, but to me, these two are very important – someone who is: (1) a TRUE DISCIPLE OF JESUS who will help you to get to heaven. Someone can be the nicest, cutest, smartest, richest, or generous man; but if he doesn’t love God and doesn’t strive to follow God with his whole heart, then it’s not worth choosing to be with him here on earth, more than choosing to be with Jesus in heaven for eternity (2) a HUMBLE man: who’s willing to see the things he needs to change, not thinking that he knows everything, seeks and takes advice. There are other things but I believe if you’ve got these two, many other things will fall into place.

You are raising two teenagers. I am sure motherhood has changed you. Walk me through that process. Give my audience some practical tips on raising teenagers?

I can honestly say that I not only love my kids, but I LIKE them. One of the things that has helped me to persevere through hard times with them, is to focus on their strengths and talents, rather than on their weaknesses, shortcomings, and things that make me want to scream, which unfortunately seem to be so much easier to see. I try to LISTEN to them, ASK THEM their opinions and what they think about things, TAKE TIME to have dates with them individually (including sometimes doing things that they like to do, even if I don’t), BE VULNERABLE and open with them about my own challenges (with discernment), TREAT THEM LIKE ADULTS (influence them rather than tell them what to do), and HAVE FUN/laugh with them. Remember, this is what I STRIVE to do – I don’t do it perfectly. Just ask them – they’ll tell ya’. LOL

2020 was a tough year, is an understatement. I want you to give my audience hope?

There are so many, but these three scriptures often help me in hard times and give me hope:

Philippians 4:11-13:

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Romans 15:13:

¹³ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Habakkuk 3:17-19:

It’s a good thing that our happiness/joy does NOT depend on our circumstances, or we could be victims of our situations and have no hope. I’ve gotten this far in my life with God (I was baptized on January 13, 1991) because GRATITUDE & TRUSTING GOD have motivated me; that has given me HOPE! God is so amazing – no matter where we’re at or what we’ve done… it’s never too late to embrace God’s love, and to me, that’s great and HOPEFUL news!!!

In 2021, we all will need to practice empathy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness. Help me understand this from a practical purpose, how we can utilize these universal qualities in our neighborhoods?

To me, as Christians, we are not much different from our neighbors except that we are ‘saved’ neighbors. We’re humans too – we also get our feelings hurt, are tired, disappointed, struggle with illness, we have our issues… the list goes on. As Christians, I feel fortunate that we have spiritual friends who lead us to Jesus and to a God who is capable to do so much, especially in those times when we’re hurting, tired, disappointed, ill, and dealing with our issues. We can do the same for others and let them see Jesus in our lives; ex. cutting your neighbors’ lawn, making a meal if you see them in need, apologize if you did something wrong to them, dropping off a gift just to encourage them, listening to them if you see they’re hurting, sharing your struggles and how God/the church helps you, etc. Love in action!

Talk to me about what women empowerment means to you?

It’s interesting because we – as our global fellowship – have been studying the biblical roles of women. It’s been wonderful to see what we’ve been learning. God created women to be an ‘Ezer’ (helper), as even referred to as God is an ‘Ezer’ himself. That says a lot! We are strong (enough to carry babies), nurturers, wise, leaders, intelligent… there are so many things that women can provide, young and old. I believe we are seeing that women can do so much more than they’ve been given the opportunity to do – both inside and outside of the church. I look forward to seeing how women will continue, and even soar higher as they are empowered, especially the next generation! The world needs women! “Behind every great man, is a great woman…” actually, not behind him, but should be besides him! 

As a female empowerment blogger, I am aware of a lot of men who advanced causes for women. I am blown away by Jesus. Here is a Rabbi who goes out of his way to empower and love women unconditionally. What can we learn from him on how we can treat women in our lives and in society?

I love Jesus! I know it may sound funny but I think he’s the coolest Dude! I appreciate that he saw people through different eyes than most others (their heart and not their outer appearance or social/cultural status), and he treated people differently than others do (with respect and not caring what others think). I’m grateful for examples like his tough love and vision with the Samaritan woman, his grace with the woman caught in adultery, blessing the faith of the woman who bled for 12 years, and women being the first ones he showed himself to after his resurrection, to name a few. It can be so powerful if we follow his humble and loving example.

I know you are a foodie. So, some rapid-fire questions…

Steak: Medium or well done. Medium rare

Steak: Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot. Merlot

French fries or poutine. Poutine, bien sûr!

Fav vegetable and why. Sweet potatoes because I have a sweet tooth – I love them roasted with onions and garlic. Yummy! 

Bacon with maple syrup or plain. Totally with maple syrup (that’s the French part in me from my Quebecois hubby)

Fav ice cream. That’s not a fair question – it’s such a hard choice… Ummm  homemade coconut ice cream with chunks of fresh coconut, from the Caribbean

The idea of a romantic date. On a Caribbean island, a delicious meal (dessert included, of course!) by candlelight at a restaurant by the sea, and a walk on the beach afterward

Fav meal of the day and why. Dinner because I don’t usually have an appetite for breakfast (though I know it’s the most important meal of the day), and I like to snack during the day

I take 2 hrs of my time and visit your church. I am going to be like Jesus and ask you for lunch. What is hospitality, why is it important and what will you make me?

My husband and I love to be hospitable and to spoil people with meals. It helps that we love to eat and that we appreciate good food. We believe God has given us a bit of talent to put some tasty things on a plate too. We like people to feel special when they come to our home. Therefore, I’d first check if you have any food restrictions. I know it’s lunch and therefore could be a light meal, but because you don’t come often, it’ll be a bit more for our foodie friend… We’d start with a tossed green salad with a homemade dressing. Then it would be followed by a plate of thin slices of a beef roast with a creamy, decadent mushroom and onion sauce (my husband does such an amazing job with this one), a few brochettes of shrimp (put together in an artistic way by my daughter), that would be leaning on a bed of tasty, light, mashed sweet potato/white potato mix. If you still have space, this would all be followed by a homemade berry trifle and coffee/tea. I’m hungry now!! We’d end our time together with our son leading us in some songs while playing his guitar. Voilà!

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A Valuable Lesson on Hope

Carolyn Gerber Hofauer created a meal train for us in April of this year. I love to volunteer, love to give, and for the first time in my life, I am on the receiving end. Gerry Bell challenged me to ask for help as Debbie is fighting cancer. The truth is I am blessing them by allowing them to serve me. A tough concept for me but I embrace it.

Telesforo Rodas and his daughter River are the second people to drop food for us. I come back from work and Debbie tells me a father and daughter team dropped food for us. Debbie shows me a rock with hope and love painted on it. I take the rock and place it outside our home.  A few weeks later they bring another meal. This time there are Hope, Love, and Faith on the stone painted by Lyrica Dunnett, Sky Rodas and River Rodas. I do not know the Rodas family personally, nor do I know them by name. A while later I post on a forum thanking the community for providing us with meals. I also ask for the name of the father-daughter team that delivered the meal and painted hope and love on the stone. Lisa Rodas replies saying it was her husband and daughter.

The previous week Devon Dienesch’s daughter drew a few words of encouragement. Debbie takes that with her every time she goes for chemo.

As my wife battles cancer, COVID on the rise, and the economy in shambles, will my grit, optimism, self-efficacy, ability, soft skills or talent get me through these challenging times?

There is a reason River has written HOPE on this stone. What is she trying to tell me? What is her message? Why now?

What is hope? How can we use it in our lives? What are the humanistic, psychological, and spiritual connotations of hope? How do I use hope to get through these challenging times? Is it some vague spiritual concept? Or some esoteric framework designed in the ivory towers of academia. As I navigate hope in my own life, I want to look at it from a spiritual, humanist, and psychological perspective.

Charles Snyder in the Hope Theory posits that hope consists of agency and pathways. Hope helps the individual with the will to overcome the hurdles in life and provides various ways to overcome it. Liz Day in her research states that hope is linked to divergent thinking. Rebecca Gorres in her research on situational hope found that it leads to divergent thinking and different ways to cope with problems in life. She clearly differentiates between hope, self-efficacy, and optimism. Philip Magaletta and J. Oliver in their research found that hope is superior to self-efficacy and optimism.

Sure, professors can write about this stuff in the towers of academia. I am hurting. I am struggling. I could lose my wife. So many of my close friends are divorced. I have worked so hard on my marriage. I could lose her before my 19th anniversary. Life is not fair.

Lawrence Rifkin in Humanist Magazine talks about “The humanist worldview is filled with hope. We may be made of matter, but we decide what matters. It is through meaningful human action that a blank computer screen can become a poem, that slavery can become freedom. We can help others, alleviate suffering, and experience beauty. Humanism is not just the rejection of an idea. Humanism is an affirmation. It is a positive, clear-eyed response to our one world. It is saying ‘yes’, not saying ‘no.’”

This answer does not help me personally. Abstract philosophical concepts are too abstract for me when I am hurting. There is no substitute for love.

Lawrence Rifkin when pushed for providing hope for the hurting and the despondent states clearly that ‘humanism is not about hope. It’s about facing the world as it actually exists and making the best of it.’ I like how Rifkin does end his essay by saying get together with someone who is hurting, listen to them, and encourage them.

Hinduism looks at hope with Pratidhi which is a desire or a wish for something good to happen. Ok. I get it. Should I just wish for Debbie’s cancer to disappear?

Seyed Shirvani talks about hope in the Quran through the prism of Raja, Amal, and Tamanna. Raja means waiting for something, Amal means a desire and Tamanna means to make a request. I want the healing to happen now. I want the pain, suffering, and invasive treatments to stop.

From a Jewish perspective, Jonathan Sacks explains it best ‘Western civilization is the product of two cultures: ancient Greece and ancient Israel. The Greeks believed in fate: the future is determined by the past. Jews believed in freedom: there is no ‘evil decree’ that cannot be averted. The Greeks gave the world the concept of tragedy. Jews gave it the idea of hope. The whole of Judaism – though it would take a book to show it – is a set of laws and narratives designed to create in people, families, communities, and a nation, habits that defeat despair. Judaism is the voice of hope in the conversation of mankind’.

The three theological virtues of Christianity are faith, hope, and love. River, Sky, and Lyrica you got me.

From the Christian perspective, Psalm 42:5 says Hope in God! For an independent, rebellious, broken, and messed up individual like me this ‘hoping in God’ concept does not come naturally. However, I have to drill it into my inner psyche.

Biblical hope gives me an emotional shock absorber to handle the wrong, be loving, and not get caught up in a victim mentality or self-pity. With Debbie battling cancer, the emotional engine allows me to persevere.

Hope is an eagerness for something favorable to happen in the future. Biblical hope is not just eagerness for Debbie to get healed but being confident about it and expecting it to happen. There is moral credence in it. What River was telling me is just do not cross your fingers that Debbie will get healed but expect great things from the Creator. I looked at Hebrews 6:9-12 ‘each one of you to show the same earnestness in realizing the full assurance of hope until the end’. I cannot afford to be lethargic but be zealous and pursue the full assurance of hope.

River, I have my doubts. Can I have this hope? Does it prepare me to see my wife ravaged by cancer? The role of a caretaker is tough and challenging.

Doubt is the natural adversary of biblical faith. Hope is an integral part of faith. OK, River, you got me. I give up.

As we get older, we have to embrace pain, suffering, disappointment, and things not going as planned. The more you embrace these issues the better you will do. In a matter of weeks, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, had a mastectomy, a job offer for me was rescinded due to COVID, the fridge broke down, the fence broke and we had a major infestation in our house caused by a box given to us.

I really had to have the attitude of ‘what now’ instead of ‘why me’. I had to be grateful and focus on the positive. I had to be resilient. Finally, I had to focus on hope. As a man of faith, I had to accept my brokenness. When you are broken, the light comes in. The light gives you hope.

I do not know the Rodas family. It was the thought of one young girl in her innocence to get the ball rolling that challenged me to my core. Thank you, River, Sky, and Lyrica. The stones are outside for everyone to see. Every day before I enter my house, I read the words on those stones. I am encouraged, strengthened, lifted high, and it has changed me forever. Your one act has created a ripple that will have an everlasting impact.

As you read this, I hope your reservoir is overflowing like Niagara Falls, deep down in the dam of your soul, the hydroelectric generator of peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love will churn the new power of glory and help you to have hope to deal with the postmodern dystopian world of pain and darkness.

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Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented – Sonja Lyubomirsky

Prologue

On a cold day in January 2016, I am flying to London, UK, to get trained for two weeks for a dream job. The same year, one of my closest friends, Bill McLean, died of cancer. I was like 2017 better be good. In November 2017, a high school classmate died of a heart attack. In February 2018, I was talking to one of my closest friends from university, and that same night, he passed away. His death hit me hard. It took me a good six months to recover. 2019 was going well. I had great plans for 2020. In one week in December 2019, I was laid off from a start-up, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, and my mom’s health was deteriorating. In March 2020, the day I was going to get a job offer, the COVID quarantine hit. Talk about a perfect storm.

My parents, friends, and work colleagues were all commenting on how well I was handling the storm.

Do you want an abundance of physical, mental, and social bliss? How about feeling optimistic, happy, and connected even during challenging times? I am sure you want better sleep, self-esteem, high energy, a stronger immune system, better emotional intelligence, and to build a capacity to forgive.

I have the answer. It is gratitude.

What is Gratitude

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation – Brian Tracy

The Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. It is derived from the Latin word gratia which stands for gratefulness, grace, or graciousness. When a human being receives something whether tangible or intangible and shows a thankful appreciation, it is gratitude. The person focuses on the positive in their life. Positive thinking helps the person to connect with something bigger than them, to other people, nature, and God.

Thesaurus has a few synonyms for gratitude and a whole subset of words and meaning attached to it. The synonyms are thankfulness, gratefulness, tribute, acknowledgment, appreciation, benediction, and recognition for the good in their life.

Gratitude and forgiveness have been my two biggest weaknesses. I have written extensively in this blog about it. It was only after marriage that Debbie has taught me about these two amazing qualities.

Modern Psychology and Gratitude

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Martin Seligman a famous psychologist did something very revolutionary more than three decades ago. Until that time psychologists focused on negative emotions like stress, addiction, trauma, and mental illness. Seligman looked at altruism, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, optimism, and gratitude.

Robert Emmons is the world’s leading expert on gratitude. His research has shown that expressing gratitude has a positive impact on human beings by improving their mental, physical, and relational well-being, and the effect lasts long.

Randy Kamen another psychologist talks about focusing on what you have rather than what is lacking in your life. The goal is to retrain the brain and to see the positive.

Gratitude was always part of the philosophical and religious domain in academia. So, it is interesting to see Psychologists getting interested in this area.

The benefits of An Attitude of Gratitude

I’ve had a remarkable life. I seem to be in such good places at the right time. You know, if you were to ask me to sum my life up in one word, gratitude – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

An attitude of gratitude is a choice, a habit that has to be developed and strengthened daily to gain the benefits. Gratitude detaches us and redeems us from negative feelings and toxic emotions. Gratitude leads to joy. Gratitude has a positive influence on the brain that is long-lasting. Gratitude improves relationships and problem-solving skills. Gratitude makes us better learners. It may seem contrived in the beginning but trust me as time passes you will notice a big difference.

The Journal of Applied Sport Psychology in a study in 2014 stated that gratitude improves self-esteem. Personality and Individual Differences published a study in 2012 that found that gratitude improves physical health. In the same year, the University of Kentucky’s research on gratitude found it improves empathy and reduces aggression. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in a 2003 study concluded that gratitude helped people in building resilience after 9/11.

How to develop an attitude of gratitude

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer

Keep a Journal

In 2011, research published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being found that writing a gratitude journal improves sleep. I have found this has helped me tremendously. I have a personal gratitude journal. It is easy for me to focus on friends that I have lost, setbacks in my career, career moves I should have made. I do not stress on coming up with things or making up stuff.  By keeping a gratitude journal, my mental health is better as I am not focusing on envy or resentment but focusing on the positive in my life and how blessed it is.

However, I am focusing on:

I still have an amazing set of friends from grade 8, high school, university, and the business world. There are a few in Toronto that I have been doing breakfast or lunch once a month for the last 25 years

I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes, money in the bank and two cars outside

Grateful for OHIP (free medical care in Ontario)

I am in good health

I have a job working from home

Living in one of the best cities in the best country in the world

People who we do not know cooking food for us

People driving Debbie to her appointments

Debbie and Jean love me unconditionally

I am one of the few people I know that have both their parents alive

As you focus on the positive, you are more joyful. I even tell Debbie, what if cancer happened a decade back? She was running a daycare and Jean was only 6. I have never created a fake sense of blessedness. I focus on counting all the blessings I have.

Say and write thank you often

Today I wrote a note of thanks to all the people who are delivering meals to us. I thank fellow bloggers for following me or inspiring me. As you show your appreciation you just get this great feeling. You are also nurturing your own relationship with the other person. Let them know how they impact your life. I also want to challenge you to write a thank you letter to yourself.

Practice breathing

I am horrible at meditation. One of the things I do is just sit and breathe. It calms me down. As I breathe I just focus on all the positive things that are happening in my life. As I am practicing gratitude I am also training my brain to focus on the positive aspect of life. As I breathe, I am also focusing on the positive that is going around me. The brain is calm. The positive affirmations are entering your subconscious mind.

Pray

I do this often and often go for long walks just to contemplate.

How to deal with challenges that stop you from being grateful

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul — Rabbi Harold Kushner

We all have a critical inner voice. That negative inner voice has to be silenced. If it is not silenced it can play havoc with us feeling grateful. If you listen to the inner voice you can become bitter and resentful and not allow any love or compassion to creep in.

I want to show an example of listening to the critical inner voice versus embracing gratitude.

I have planned a golf outing with a friend of mine for Sunday afternoon. I am looking forward to it and as the day approaches it is raining heavily. I freak out. I get worked up and emotional that the day is ruined. I take it personally and start blaming the weather for my mood. I take out my frustration with my wife. My perception was that the rain messed up my weekend. My negative thought patterns which started in my critical inner voice have now been blown out of proportion. It has a negative influence on my wife and daughter.

My friend, on the other hand, was also looking forward to playing golf. He accepted the rain and surrendered. He called me and told me that he will focus on cleaning the house and then cook for his wife. He also thinks the grass does not have to be watered. My friend made a conscious and intentional decision to make the best out of the situation. At the end of the day, it is all about perception. My friend surrendered with humility.

Epilogue

The last few months have been hectic. I was going to work then rushing back, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. The truth was I was burning out. All my life from a young age I have been a volunteer. Even at the new job, I was driving people. Someone approached me at the office and said ‘Jerry, this is the time for you to be selfish. COVID-19 is happening and your wife’s immune system is compromised. You do not have to drive anyone’.

Someone challenged me to ask for help. I hate asking for help. The person reminded me that I am stopping other people from getting blessed. It was my pride and being a control freak that did not want to ask for help. And then due to high winds, my fence came down.

As a result of that conversation, I pleaded for help. I just explained what was going on in our lives. Carolyn Gerber who was bringing us meals for the last couple of weeks made a meal train, and the love, support and offers just poured in.

On Monday, after I was looking at the damage the wind had done and was stepping out, I see a van parked in front of my house. I see some young kids in the back of the car and the mother offers me food. Her name is Devon Dienesch. I am blown away. We have a quick chat and we have a few common acquaintances and I take the food inside. Debbie shows me the note with the food. Later that night I read the note and I just started crying. Here was this encouraging note from an innocent child.

I have a choice to focus on the fence and all the other challenges I am facing or seeing the goodness in all these people who are going out of their way and serving us.

I was then reminded of the time in grade 11 and 12 for early morning service at Bishop Cotton School, reading in front of 300 boys, Philippians 4:6: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

I remembered Arun Sachdev a heart surgeon visiting from Thailand and as Vipul Goel was driving us to Niagara, Arun started quoting Psalm 7:17: I will thank the Lord because he is just; I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High. I am like you still remember those scriptures and you are Hindu, dude.

No matter what comes my way, I will be grateful. I know many of you are going through challenges. It is not going to be easy. Be grateful.

Photo Credits: Brooke Cagle Gian Cescon Erriko Boccia Gabrielle Henderson Priscilla Du Preez  AndriyKo Podilnyk

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