All my life, I have felt like an outlier or a highly sensitive person. I like to write, act, visit the theatre, art, travel, and take photographs. Sometimes in society, some activities are considered macho and manly. As a result, other activities are considered feminine. I also felt I was more emotional, sentimental, and more in touch with my feelings and emotions. However, as I get older, become a husband and father, I realized it is these very qualities that have helped me become a better person. As time has gone on, I have learned to apply filters, boundaries, and the importance of self-care.

I interviewed Dr. Fitzpatrick a while back, and the interview was very popular. We did another interview on healthy boundaries, which is one of the most popular interviews, read by women in sixty countries. As we started talking, she mentioned how she is a highly sensitive person. I asked her to do a guest post for me. This is my first guest post. As a control freak, it is not easy. Valerie is erudite, smart, intelligent, in touch with her own feelings, emotions, and links the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects together.

I want to write about being a highly sensitive person because knowledge is power.  That has been the case for me, and I hope it will be the case for others.  I am writing this article for highly sensitive people and empaths, as well as for the people in their lives. Sensitivity can contribute to stress, illness, and relationship problems, low mood, as well as environmental sensitivities. Yet, sensitivity can also contribute to beautiful depth and fulfillment in life. 

The terms for a highly sensitive person

There has been much research in recent years on high sensitivity, with different terms used by different researchers looking at this personality trait. I have seen the terms:

Highly Sensitive Person 

Sensory Processing Sensitivity 

High-reactive

Empath

Sensate

Kinesthetic

Perceptive processor

Whatever term you want to use, there is a very real fact that a portion of the population (some researchers estimate 10-20%) is made up of highly sensitive people. This is not a disorder, it is just a different way of experiencing the world, a different way of being. Just because the majority of the world population experiences things differently doesn’t mean that their experience is the correct one. Just different. I now like to think that perhaps the Highly Sensitive People should be considered the “normal’ people, and everyone else could be termed the Low Sensitivity People. Just a thought.

Nature vs. nurture

In her book Quiet, Susan Cain talks primarily about introverts, but because there is some overlap with sensitivity she gets into some of the research. Susan Cain talks about nature versus nurture and the research done on highly-reactive or easily overstimulated infants. Temperament is hard-wired or genetically based (nature) and observable in infancy. Personality develops after family and cultural influences are added into the mix (nurture). Genetic markers and brain function differences have been found in highly sensitive people. It seems that these hard-wired differences make highly reactive or sensitive children then more influenced by the world around them than the average child. So their nature has made them more easily influenced by nurture. Cain mentions a theory put forth by David Dobbs about “orchid children”. His idea was that many children are like dandelions, able to thrive in just about any environment /experience; other children, the highly sensitive types are more like orchids. Orchids will wilt easily in harsh environments, but under the right conditions can grow strong and beautiful. 

Elaine Aron on Highly Sensitive People

Elaine Aron has done a lot of research on Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) and the people who have it, Highly Sensitive People (HSP). Aron says that people who have this temperament or personality trait have increased sensitivity in their central nervous system: deeper processing of physical, social, and emotional information.  She says there is also an increased emotional reactivity and empathy, a greater awareness of environmental subtleties, and a tendency to get easily overstimulated. HSP are often sensitive to light, sounds, smells, pain. They tend to be highly observant and contemplative.  They don’t like surprises. They don’t like being observed or judged. They tend to be philosophical or spiritual. They don’t like small talk. They are often creative and love the natural world and the arts. They feel emotions deeply, all emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. They often notice little changes in the environment or another’s mood, subtle changes that someone else might miss.   

Dr. Judith Orloff on empaths

In her book, The Empath’s Survival Guide, Dr. Judith Orloff mentions that empaths share some or all of the traits of HSP, however, empaths take the experience of the HSP even further.  Empaths can sense subtle energy and can absorb this. Empaths often have trouble distinguishes someone else’s distress or discomfort from their own. In other words, empaths have extremely reactive neurological systems. Empaths don’t have the same filters that other people have to block out stimulation, and they can absorb the stress around them. This constant stimulation can be exhausting. Empaths also often find themselves in relationships with emotionally unavailable people. Orloff also tells empaths that they should be aware that ‘energy vampires’ and narcissists will be attracted to your openness and loving nature. Whether at work, school or home, energy vampires will happily drain your physical and emotional energy. The toxic ones can make you feel defective or unlovable.

Dr. Orloff, as an empath herself, gives great advice on healthy coping strategies,  navigating relationships, parenting, and avoiding negative coping strategies such as addictions, and overeating.  She stresses the importance for empaths of being out in nature, especially near water. She gives recommendations on recognizing and avoiding energy vampires. She stressed the importance of time alone to be quiet and creative. She suggests taking restful vacations alone to get recharged and meditating rather than grabbing for food or alcohol.

The difference between empathy and being an empath

Just to be clear, ordinary empathy is not the same as being an empath. Ordinary empathy means that you can be sad for someone who is having a difficult time, and you can be happy for someone who has a happy life event.  Being an empath, you sense the other person’s emotions and sometimes even their physical symptoms in your own body. Empaths feel first and then think. This is different from other people who have had some defenses up since childhood. 

My own journey

Since childhood, I felt that something was wrong with me. I was physically strong, enjoying weight-training, running, swimming. Yet I was prone to motion sickness, strong skin reactions to air pollutants or water pollutants or mold or dust. I also started reacting to many foods, and then to synthetic perfumes and air fresheners.  I felt energized by some people and quickly exhausted by others. I would get strong feelings of discomfort about certain people or situations but was told I was being silly. I felt the stress of going against my ‘gut feeling’ because ‘logic’ told me otherwise. 

In recent years I have happily learned that I do not have a disorder or weakness, but just a different way of being, a different way of experiencing the world.  I am now grateful for being highly sensitive and empathic. I am grateful that I can feel highly moved by art, poetry, nature. Grateful that I have been able to make a deep meaningful connections with others.  I am grateful for the blessing of being able to connect with my patients/ clients in my work as a chiropractor. I have realized that I can trust my intuition about people and situations, and to find certainty in that inner knowing. 

I am learning how to manage my sensitivity and my time to make sure that I don’t get overstimulated or exhausted.  I have found that Somato-Respiratory Integration, yoga, chiropractic care, and Eden Energy Method exercises are very helpful in strengthening my sense of personal space and personal energy.  Mindful meditation, prayer walks and creating art also helps ground me. When I feel overstimulated, or overwhelmed I know that I can use one of these tools. I can postpone or remove something from my schedule. I have learned to prioritize; first things first, the rest can wait. I know when I need to do less, be alone, and recharge. I am a social person and I truly enjoy time with others, but time with others can also overstimulate me and tire me out.  Now I know to recognize the early signs and change my schedule. In a sense, I have been learning how to create a healthy filter for myself.

I think a tragic example of a highly sensitive person who has experienced only the burden of sensitivity is the character of Fiona in the movie About a Boy. (spoiler alert) Fiona is a single mother. She cares about her son so she knits him homemade sweaters and makes healthy homecooked meals. She cares about damage to the planet and animal-cruelty so she sticks to a vegetarian diet.  She cares about people with challenges so she works as a music therapist for children with disabilities. She cares about political prisoners and social injustice so she supports Amnesty International. She cares about other peoples’ needs more than her own so she graciously invites her ex-husband, his new girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s mother to Christmas dinner. Fiona is also severely depressed and attempts suicide. Sometimes people who care the most, hurt the most. Sometimes people who feel the most, who take on the world’s problems as a personal burden, who have no filter to distinguish ‘self’ from the ‘other’, feel a pain that feels impossible to live with. 

There are sensitive and empathic people who are living with this type of pain – living like a wilted orchid. The good news is that there are also sensitive and empathic people in this world who, with self-awareness and wise choices, have learned to harness this sensitivity and channel it into careers as brilliant researchers, writers, musician, actors, artists, and healers; into deeply felt lives with intimate relationships – living like a strong majestic orchid. 

The post The challenges and gifts of being a highly sensitive person appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Lina Thao is an introvert. She is a mom of four beautiful kids and wife to her best friend.  She is a working mom and a coffee enthusiast. She loves spending time with her family and making memories. She currently lives in the Twin Cities and loves everything the Midwest has to offer minus the cold. Being an introvert in an extrovert world is hard and draining, to say the least. She has struggled all her life with feeling overwhelmed with having to socialize, worried about her quiet demeanor, and slow talking.

I love the name of your blog, The Caffeinated Introvert. Talk to me about it, and how did you come up with this name?

When I was thinking of a name for my blog, I struggled with it.   Should I use my name in the title? Should I use the roles I have, such as mama, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and nurse?  So many questions.  I started to write down words to describe me, my life, or what I wanted to write about.   It was a good couple of pages of brain dumping.

One piece of advice I read over and over again is don’t worry about the title so much, it’s the contents that people would remember and want to read.  So, don’t spend too much time finding the perfect name.  Yet, I wanted to find that perfect name.  That name shouts out “Yes, this is Lina” just like whenever I pose for a picture with the peace sign, my family and friends would say “yes, that is the Lina we know”:-).  While it may not be the perfect name, it is the name that speaks to me and describes me.

Two things that describe me are that I am a coffee drinker and an introvert.  I don’t believe that will ever change. Maybe the frequency of my coffee I drink in a day, but I would still have my black coffee. I have grown to love black coffee only in recent years and that may be due to my aging :-).

The Caffeinated Introvert is a lifestyle blog that focuses on all things family. I started this blog as a way to remember and share all the things that we do, places we have been to, and life in general. Hoping to share our experience that others may find inspirational.

Please explain the challenges of being an introvert in an extrovert world?

Growing up or even in my early adulthood, I have always struggled with my interactions with others.  I get overwhelmed just thinking about having to attend a function or a meeting.  It just drains me out.   I am a quiet and shy person.  I am not one that can go up to anyone and drum up a conversation.    I think that just having to think up with something to say is overwhelming.   I thought there was something wrong with me as to why I couldn’t be like others.  How can he/she be so outgoing and speak to whatever pops into their mind?  I wished I was just as quick-witted as some of my friends or co-workers.

I would rather stay at home and watch a good movie than go hang out with friends.  I would rather someone else attend that function I was invited to. In our community, there are a lot of functions that we are invited to.

And most we are almost always obligated to attend.  Let me tell you how many times I try to get myself out of it.  Even to an extended family function, I will tell my husband to not leave my side until I see someone I know.  He is always amazed at me for saying that to him.

We have been together for 18 years yet I still say that to him :-).

Why do you feel the pressure to socialize or your way of talking?

As mentioned above, I am not as quick to talk or respond.    I tend to think about what I would want to say first.  So typically, by the time I do decide to say something, the conversation may have already gone on to something else.   I remember growing up, my best friend and I  were having a conversation about talking with others in our native language (Hmong).  I mentioned to her that I have trouble just verbalizing certain words in Hmong and I can’t speak the language well.  She told me that it’s not the Hmong language.  I do the same with the English language and it’s usually when I actually start to say something.  Once I start, it just flows.  She made me realize it then.    That still happens currently but I seem to notice it more with my conversations in my native language.

I wouldn’t say I am a slow talker.  It’s just my slow way of thinking before I talk.  I tend to talk really fast once I get started and people quite often tell me to slow down.    I wonder if it’s my introverted way to hurry up with it and get some rest. LOL.

When did you decide to embrace the introvert? How was that eureka moment like? Has that helped you be calmer?

I think I started to embrace the introversion in me just within the last 10 years.  I got into Nursing Leadership and learned different leadership styles.  Prior to that, I felt that I always had to speak up to be heard and in my quiet nature, it was always a struggle.  In leadership, I learned that while there are times that I need to speak up, most times are best as listening.  That was the turning point for me.  I have also learned that introversion is not a personality type,  just how I receive energy/ stimuli.

I have raised a 15-year-old. You have raised four kids…wow. Talk to me about that the experience, the highs, and lows?

Oh my… where do I begin?  My two older kids are from my first marriage and they were raised by my present husband and I since they were  4 and 6 years old.  They are now 21 and 23 years old.  Raising kids is no easy task and there is never any manual for it.  We didn’t start having our own kids until the older kids were 11 & 13 years old.  We waited for a number of reasons, one being that I wanted to wait until I completed nursing school to start having kids again.

It was a blessing to have the two little ones come into our lives at the time they did but it also came with some challenges.  Thinking back, the two older ones were the focus and had all our attention their entire lives and as the two little ones came right as they entered their tween/ teen years, I believe they struggled with it.     Now they had to share our attention and focus on someone else.  But I  don’t believe any of us realized it at that time.  We were all just going through life one day at a time.

If anyone tells you raising teenagers is hard, it was.  There are just so many emotions and issues that they were experiencing and learning where their place was in the world.    They struggled… We struggled as we tried to make sense of it all.

As the two older ones journeyed through their teenage years of “I hate you” and “you don’t understand anything” to now “You were right” or “I  should’ve listened to you”  or even a simple “Hey I miss you”  I think we did ok.   They are still searching for their purpose in life as I  think most of us still do.

I think one thing that got us through all this is just having a mutual understanding, respect, and support from my husband. Finding someone who not only took care of the older ones like his own but loving and teaching them along the way.

How has married life changed you? Marriage is easy right and no fights, no compromise just smooth sailing…comment?

Marriage is hard.  I wouldn’t say my first marriage was a fail but a  huge learning experience.  I married right after I graduated from high school thinking I would live happily ever after with the man that I  love.  It became apparent pretty quickly that it wasn’t the case.  It took me four years to finally make the leap and leave the marriage along with two little ones.  I have learned what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship and what I would fight for.  I have learned my worth and no one is ever going to take that from me.

Fortunately, I met my second husband who loves me and recognizes my worth.  He has been my rock since day one.  I am not gonna lie and say it was all peachy.  We had some tough times, especially during those dreaded (um… fun) teenage years.  But we got through it together.   We learn something new about each other every day.

What I have learned with being married are compromise and forgiveness.    Letting go that there is no such thing as perfection.  My husband is not perfect and neither am I.

My husband says it best:  Recognize each other’s strengths and empower each other to be the best we can be.

I am sure motherhood has made you a different person. Please elaborate?

For sure!  I love being a mother.  I love looking at life through my kids’ eyes.  It was harder with the two older ones as we struggled to make ends meet and to have a better future/ life.  I worked full time while going to nursing school in the evenings and weekends.  We didn’t have a lot of free time to enjoy life as we were just going through life.

I don’t know about others, but motherhood is not something I could’ve done alone.  I have so many people in my life that have been there for us.  My husband, parents, and siblings were my number one support. Without any of them, I would not be where I am today.

Motherhood has taught me how to stay humble and grateful.

Give us three tips on being a great loving mother, an amazing wife, and self-care?

My 3 tips on being a great loving mother and an amazing wife are the same:

• Listen
• Support
• Empower them

As far as tips for self-care, I use to think taking care of myself was selfish but I have learned that in order to take care of others, I have to take care of myself.  Make it a priority. So here are my three
tips I do to take care of myself :

-Exercise at least 3-5 times a day
-Sleep at least 7 hours
-Drink lots of water

How has blogging and writing helped you as a person?

My whole life I have been living go go go.   I like to reach out of my comfort zone and reach for the stars.  I believe I have proven that throughout my life.  I can always do more, I can always do better.  I don’t like being complacent and I have found that blogging is anything but complacent.   All still working a full-time job and raising a family.  When I decided to start blogging, I was at
a point in my life that while I have reached many of my goals, I  wanted to do something different.  Something I have never thought I would do.  Putting myself out there to the world.   Pushing myself out of that comfort zone again.  Blogging has been my outlet.   I have been able to express my thoughts in a way that I had not before.  I love that I have met so many wonderful people in the blogging community that is so inspiring, creative, and supportive.

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