The post The 3 Things You Must Accept About Family appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Cristina Romero is a Spanish blogger and I catch up with her and discuss life.

Cristina, a pleasure to interview a fellow blogger. Tell my audience something important about you?

Thank you very much, Jerry. I could be compared with the hands of a clock. In other words, I am always “functioning”. I am a very active person and I don’t stay put. I do not think there are enough hours in a day to do everything I would want to do. I am very human; my heart drives me. I like to help people around me. As a result, I find it worthwhile because that shapes the person I am. In conclusion, I am a woman that is very independent, very devoted to others, with clear ideas on her mind and who doesn’t settle.

Tell me a little about your blog and why did you decide to blog?

My blog is the start of a new phase in my life. After having worked in media and communications, I stopped working full time to take care of a family member.

After two years, I created the trademark “by Tina” and designed a handbag collection of different types of material, which were made in Spain. The fixed costs were high and I did not have any financial backing. I, therefore, decided to pursue something that I liked which is writing and having my own blog.

It was challenging at the beginning and a new world for me. I thought through the whole process and designed the website by myself. I am a perfectionist by nature. I took courses on blogging and www.elblogdetina.es was born.

The blog is about my thoughts, reflections, and state of mind on various topics like a visit to a restaurant, my kids, or just cooking. It is a journey.

What kind of journalism do you specialize in? What do you like about journalism?

I have worked in the press and radio.  I did not like what I saw when I started working for different media companies. To my mind ethics are a key feature of individuals, and this should be even more highlighted when you work in the “fourth power”. When I was faced with the truth about journalism, I was hugely disappointed. My ideas around journalism pictured the great reporter investigating for news but the reality is very different.  The news is delivered to you by the big press agencies and that is a debacle for your ideas.

What does female empowerment mean to you?

I believe women need to have their own dignity, be independent, and have their rights acknowledged. I further think that Spain where I live,  men and women have the same rights and opportunities (at least from a legal perspective, which sometimes plays out differently in practice).

When I was born, I had the same opportunities as my brother and the same is true for my friends. Maybe if you look back two generations it was odd to see the same number of men and women study, but nowadays any child born, be it a boy or a girl, will go to school and have the opportunity to go to university and have a future. I don’t see women as a prejudiced social group in Spain because of being born female.

I think that the word empowerment is fully compatible with women, as the word indicates, gain control over their own lives and circumstances. Maybe it is actually the circumstances each of them faces in her life that makes that woman give up on her professional life (be it because she has kids she wants to raise so that she can be independent in the future or because she has a disabled relative who she needs to take care of or due to other reasons…). And it is here where I see that laws don’t work properly: both a woman and a man should be able to take care of their families and home without giving up on financial independence, but there is no government help for this.

How has social media changed your society?

Social media has allowed people to have a broader view of life.  In other words, not everything is controlled by the same media. Therefore, the freedom to express yourself has substantially increased. It is a great tool to exchange information and has led nowadays to a steep change in mass media.

Spanish society has evolved positively in a lot of ways on the back of social media as it has given everyone a voice. The flipside of this is that it gives rise to abuse, to people manipulating social media to achieve their goals or to professional haters hiding behind the anonymous status a profile gives them, but that can be mitigated by the right of every individual to choose what he wants to read, follow or do.

Help me understand some of the challenges you have faced in life and how did you overcome it?

The first was in the workplace. In order to move up in the media world, I faced, as we say in Spain,  “pasar por la piedra”, It means as a woman if your boss comes and tells you that in order to progress you have to have dinner with him (or do anything, as we have recently seen in the cinema world) and when you say no he makes your professional life unbearable until you quit.

Another tougher challenge was when the CEO of my company told all female employees that he didn’t want any of us to get pregnant and that if we did no one could in “his” company (which wasn’t actually his) apply for a part-time job as is set out by Spanish law. When my second child was born, I decided to focus more on my family, and therefore against the will of my boss I notified HR that I applied for the reduced working hours that I was entitled to. They couldn’t obviously object but they made life difficult until I voluntarily left. That challenge has been very important and thanks to the fact that I actually sent that notice to HR and subsequently left women can (and do) now have different options of working hours in that company and can find a work-life balance.

The third challenge was that I was in a relationship with a male chauvinist. When I wore a skirt, it was too short and he wanted me to wear pants. He did not want me to drive and was emotionally abusive.

He was very controlling, negative and it had a deep impact on my personality. He was very aggressive in his character. I became aware of his negative impact on me and mentioned that I wanted to end the relationship. He became manipulative, by threatening to jump out of the window, screaming, and even broken a door to get into the room I had locked myself in.

However, I decided to quit this toxic relationship, as I would never be happy and called it off. We should be free in a relationship and not be subdued and unhappy. I still have to see him because of certain issues but I have learned to forgive and have pity on him.

Talk to me about Spanish society and is it still patriarchal or an equal society?

Spanish society is undergoing constant change. In the last few years, it has changed significantly and there is a long way to go. Spain has a constitution since 1978. We were coming from a completely patriarchal society, where women’s role was basically to be the wife of someone and raise the kids whilst staying at home (with some exceptions). Women gained the right to vote in the 30s, notably 1933 and it was strange to find women studying in university and having a job linked to their career thereafter. The change was accelerated in 1978 and since then boosted, and it has only been 41 years! It is amazing to see how everything has changed since now we live in an equal society.

As I said, most women are free to decide what they want to do in life and if they want to continue with their career or prefer to devote more time to their family and give up a professional career. But there is still a lot to improve regarding maternity leave and the way back to work once it is finished. Rejoining your job isn’t easy and sometimes your salary is not worth it. A lot has to change. You can of course always decide to start your own business and try to balance family life and work that way, but not everyone has the financial capacity to be able to do that and the government doesn’t, unfortunately, help much. On top of that, not everyone has the personality you need to start your own business and prefers to settle for a company or, if you are a woman after maternity leave, stay at home.

Walk me through some of the best restaurants in your city?

The restaurant scene has exploded in Madrid in the last decade.

There is a choice for every palate and wallet. From eating fantastic pinchos in the San Antón market to a nice plate of pasta in an Italian restaurant such as Don Giovanni, Mediterranean food as in La Ancha or El Qüenco de Pepa, nice fish in el Barril or go to restaurants that are more trendy where fusion food or Japanese food are growing such as Amazonico, Bibo, Sushi 99, Inari and many others…. you can also have a great piece of Brazilian meat in Rubaiyat. This is all on top of your classic paella or other rice dishes like in St. James restaurant, but Spanish food goes way beyond paella.  A very welcoming restaurant where you have great food is La Buena Vida, with one of the best cheesecakes in town. Another one of my favorites is Taberna Laredo. I could go on forever…

What is your city famous for and why should we visit it?

Madrid is 1000 years old, historic and one of the greatest European capitals. It is a thriving, cosmopolitan city with a dynamic cultural scene and amazing weather.

Food is an obsession (not least the Mediterranean diet has been considered the most healthy diet worldwide) and there is plenty to choose from as madrileños tend to go out a lot…

On top of that, if you have enough of Madrid, which is very difficult to happen, you have amazing places nearby, including several world heritage sites like Toledo, or the Roman aqueduct in Segovia, or the walls of Avila…all within less than an hour drive.

How do you find balance in modern-day society and what are your priorities?

I think we have gone very quickly from one extreme to the other, from not having the technology available to having access to everything. New technologies bring with them a lot of good things but also give rise to something that is very bad: social isolation. It is very sad when for example I am having dinner in a restaurant and look around me and see most people with their mobile phones, teenagers meeting their friends and each of them just looks at their mobile, rather than speaking to each other, playing cards… there should be more education on the bad use of technology in order to foster healthy, natural and true relationships.

If when you raise kids you should impose time limitations on the use of technology. At home we have rules for the use of technology (including the fact that when we have lunch or gather with our family or friends we can’t use technological devices) and, to be honest, life is good that way because at the end of the day we are people and personal relationships should still be channeled through conversations and face to face instead of through phones or screens.

Balance in modern life would to me be complete equality of rights between men and women, that we were all free people with the ability to think for ourselves, without being conditioned by anyone and that we could all study and work to be truly independent.

The post Cristina Romero: Spain’s Modern Clara Campoamor appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

International Women’s Day is celebrated annually on March 8. It gives us an opportunity to reflect on progress made, to ask for change, and to hold up women and celebrate their acts of courage and conviction by ordinary women who continue to play an important role in the history of their countries and communities.

Jillian Brown works for Royal Bank of Canada. I talk to her about her life in the corporate world and her passion about giving back.

Jillian, it is a pleasure to have you on my blog. Please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Jill. I am 23 years old. I have recently graduated from the University of Guelph, where I majored in Accounting and minored in Marketing and Leadership. Currently, I am a Product Analyst in Premium and Everyday Credit Cards at RBC. I really enjoy what I do.

For the majority of my childhood, I was a competitive dancer, living the life you see on the hit reality show “Dance Moms”, when I was 13 eventually, I lost my passion and was looking for a new hobby to fuel my competitive nature. As I entered high school, I found a passion in a sport, a little less graceful – hockey. Being a highly competitive individual, I wasn’t ok with just playing house league. I played for one year and made a rep team every year following and played into rep into university. With my competitive nature, in University, I became very involved with student clubs. I was President of the Accounting Society of Guelph, taught 2 first year business classes as an Undergraduate Teaching Assistant and I competed and was Co-Captain of our intercollegiate case competition team JDC Central.

All of my experiences really shaped me to be the competitive, reliable, dedicated and empathetic person I am today.

Talk to me about your passions in life?

My biggest passion is giving back and helping others. If you are able, I truly believe it is important to give back and help others, no matter if you know the person or do not. This passion of mine is twofold however, this relates to both volunteerism and giving back to others as others gave to you.

I have always had a passion about volunteerism, which only grew bigger as I went to university. When I started university, I realized I had so much more time in my day and wanted to help as much as I could. I volunteered at the food bank, Run for the Cure and United Way and many other organizations over my 5 years in Guelph. In my 3rd and 4th year, my passion for volunteerism grew even more after doing two co-op terms at United Way Guelph Wellington Dufferin. I learnt so much about charitable giving, the importance of volunteers and the need that is in so many communities. The impact charities like United Way make in communities is incredible. These individuals work tirelessly to raise money for other people, striving for the strongest communities possible.

Within the second fold of my passion, I really believe in giving back to others as others have to you. In your daily personal growth and development, someone has taken the time to help you. Whether it’s with a course, an activity/hobby, future career or simply lending a hand when you needed it. I think both current and future generations need to focus on helping each other be successful. Even though I have only been graduated for one year, I plan on going back to my alma matter regularly to help students and give them the advice I once received.

Walk me through your life experience, what did you learn from these experiences and how has it changed you?

Just after I was born, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, which hindered some of my development growing up. I got tired very easily and at times had difficulty remembering things. My parents always hoped I would grow out of it as I got older and very luckily, I did. Around the age of 10 – right when we used to do multiplication tables competitions in grade school – my doctor told me that I wouldn’t have to take my medication anymore and I had grown out of epilepsy. Even though I grew out of it, for quite some time after, I had trouble remembering things and always had to study a little bit harder and for longer periods of time. Although it didn’t affect my memory as much when I grew up, I always gave myself a little extra time to do things.

In high school and university, these habits continued and I always made sure to give myself a little more time than I thought I needed for my studies. Although I outgrew it, there is always a chance it could come back. So, it taught me to really understand myself, great prioritization skills and understanding of how to utilize my time the most effectively.

When something happens to you or you have a medical condition that is out of your control, you really try to push through it. Even though I am fortunate enough to have outgrown epilepsy and it doesn’t affect me much in my daily life anymore, it taught me to constantly keep pushing through things that happen, to be kind to myself and others, and to be more aware of what is happening around me.

Who are the Millennials, what do they want, what do they want to change in present day society?

In this day and age, I think many people generalize Millennials and say “they have everything given to them” and “they do not know the value of hard work”. But – I disagree. As technology and innovation progresses, cultural and societal norms have changed, Millennials still understand the value of hard work, but a lot of things that were once difficult for other generations have become more accessible for us. Although we have these tools and it seems like a lot has been given to us, issues today have become so much more complex and Millennials have so many larger problems to solve in their lifetime.

For Millennials, I think our generation just wants to be happy, which is defined differently for everyone.

I also think simplification is the one thing that many things that my peers and I are focused on. Many things in the past were complicated, time-consuming and at times difficult. Millennials are constantly trying to make things simpler and better for everyone.

What should employers know about you and how to treat you at work?

For many people in my generation or any generation, people (including myself) do not like to be micromanaged. I am a true believer in giving feedback, but I truly believe that when you micro-manage someone, you don’t allow someone to put in their best work forward. Micromanagement is different than when you’re training someone and providing them with guidance/feedback. I think not being micromanaged and being given freedom is something someone looks for in an employer and a manager and really makes employers successful at the end of the day.

What are some of the social and other causes that you are passionate about which the past generations missed out on?

With my passion for volunteerism, I am passionate about youth development, poverty, and focusing on helping the senior population thrive. But one of my passion that I think past generations missed out on understanding what you are putting in and on your body.

People never understood how the food they ate, the chemicals in their toiletries, or the impact of their hobbies had on their health – physically and mentally. Nitrates, sulfates, cigarettes are just a few dangerous chemicals/items that went under the radar for years.

It is important to develop an awareness of these things, which I believe is becoming more relevant. People are eating more fresh foods and purchasing shampoo and makeup products that have fewer chemicals. This will force large companies to think more and make changes too, which will be beneficial and more sustainable in the long run.

Talk to me about food, family, faith, and finances and what do these things mean to Millennials?

I am unsure what all of these things mean to all Millennials, but I do know what they mean to me.

Family is by far the most important thing in my life. I am so fortunate to have a great one and I would drop anything for them.

My family really shaped who I am today, which is why I think it is important to share a bit about them. My Dad’s family is from “the Rock” otherwise known as Newfoundland and my mom’s side is from the province where the sky is very big. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll know this is Saskatchewan. My older brother Derek attended the University of Western Ontario and studied Mechanical Engineering. My family is filled with hard-working, intelligent, and practical individuals which very much rubbed off on me.

In our family, my grandparents or parents’ generation did not go to University, they worked very hard for what they wanted and to provide for their families. I am very fortunate to have two extremely supportive parents who constantly pushed both my brother and me to be our best and also told us we would be successful no matter what we set our minds to. On the side of work ethics, my parents always taught us that things don’t come easy and you have to work for what you want. I carried their advice with me growing up, which helped me overcome a number of obstacles in both school and social aspects of my life.

In terms of food, I think myself and many people in my generation are becoming more conscious of what they are putting in their bodies and understanding more and more the impact our food has on the environment. I believe the new food guide is a big step to help Canadians live and eat more sustainably.

Being an accounting student, I am aware of my finances and focus on the value of what I am purchasing while also saving for the future. For many millennials, I believe this generation is more focused on living in the moment and spending money on what makes them happy rather than focusing on the future. This is not to say Millennials aren’t savers, but right now – I think my generation is really focused on enjoying life.

What do these words mean TL, Hangry, Cray, bae, lace, just saying WCW, MCM, ICYMI, I can’t even in millennial speak?

I have no idea what TL, Lace, and ICYMI mean.

Cray is short for crazy.

Hangry is when you’re both hungry and angry

Bae is similar to Babe which is someone you’re very fond of either as a friend or more than a friend

WCW and MCM are not acronyms I would ever use but they mean women crush Wednesday and man crush Monday. So, if you have a crush on someone you would use this acronym.

I’m can’t even is a term that is used when you don’t want to deal with something, are shocked, can’t believe something.

Tell me a good joke?

I don’t really know any good jokes. Jokes aren’t very millennial, it’s all about memes these days.

What should the generation X and baby boomers know about your generation?

To keep it simple, they should know that they can trust our generation to do good work and make things better, in our environment, politically, and in our daily lives.

The post Jillian Brown: Giving Back to the Community appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

The post Ten Skills Required to be a Successful Husband appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I have known Jessica and Gary Powell for 15 years. Jessica got married at 19. I was in my first-year university. Gary Powell moved to Vancouver to do a master’s degree. I catch up with them and ask them about their marriage, dating, relationship, and advice on love. Jessica finished the questionnaire early. Gary Powell needed some prodding and he completed it. I would strongly recommend that you read this interview a couple of times. There are so many nuggets in there that can help you deal with dating, love, relationships, and marriage.

Gary and Jessica welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

Jessica – Hi! Thanks for having us! Let’s see, what is something important about us? I guess I would start with what’s most important to us and that is living fully surrendered lives to Jesus. Of course, we often miss the mark on that, but in every aspect of our lives, that is our primary goal. We’ve been married 15 (almost 16 now!) years, have three children, and have lived near Vancouver for the last 2.5 years. Before that, we lived in the Toronto area where both Gary and I had grown up.

Gary – Thanks, Jerry! I’d echo those thoughts from Jess. We are living as believers of Jesus as Lord overall—and doing that together as a family of five now with our three kids. We both shared that deep sense of faith as individuals, which I think helped a lot as we got started into our relationship years ago.

When did you know Gary that Jessica was the one for you? same with you Jessica?

Gary – It took me a while. I had dated a few people in my High School years, and while I knew who Jessica was, I didn’t see her in that way at first. After working together at our local Dairy Queen and getting to know her we began to date. But that’s where the interesting part of this answer comes in: I broke up with Jessica twice in our dating years because I wasn’t sure! I think when I was pursuing her again the third time, I finally realized that there was something different going on here.

Jessica – It’s actually hard to say when exactly I knew, but it was a lot sooner than Gary did, that’s for sure! We were so young when we met—I was only 14—that my first feelings of “he’s the one” can really only be described as a crush. But it was a crush that never went away and just continued to grow until I knew I wanted to live my life with him. I then made the decision to make Gary my “one” for the rest of our lives when I married him—I was 19 and he was 21.

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

Jessica – Oh goodness, where do we even start? There were so many challenges! The biggest challenge, honestly, was how young we were. No matter how mature you are for your age, there’s just no way around the fact that experience requires time and when you’re in high school, you haven’t lived through very much time yet. Both of us were still figuring out who we were, what we wanted, and how our relationship fit in with all that. As Gary already mentioned, in the two years we dated before getting engaged, we even broke up twice before finally deciding to stay together for good!

Gary – Yeah, I suppose there were some challenges, weren’t there!? As Jess mentioned, our age was a big factor. For me, though, it was more navigating the big feelings from previous romantic relationships. I wanted to focus solely on Jessica and pretend the other relationships didn’t really matter (that they were somehow less important, so I could move on). Let’s just say ignorance is not bliss and suppressing hurt feelings doesn’t bode well for your current relationship!

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

Gary – Jessica’s sense of humor has definitely improved since marrying me! But on a more serious note, I’ve been forced to deal with myself and wrestle with my own issues since being married. When you’re by yourself, you can hide and keep pushing things down. It’s not as easy when you’re married. I’m grateful that Jessica hasn’t put up with mediocrity in me and yet is simultaneously committed to staying with me no matter what. I have definitely grown in my capacity and confidence as a human being because of her consistent love and encouragement.

Jessica – This is one of my favorite things about marriage; it’s such an intense version of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It’s not necessarily always a pleasant experience, but both of us would attest to the fact that marriage has often brought out the worst in us, which is a good thing because then it’s out in the open where we (or more accurately, God!) can deal with it. Of course, we both have to be willing to actually let God deal with it, otherwise, we’re just living with our worst making a mess all around us!

Selfishness, anger, bitterness, lack of faith, impatience, pride—these are just some of the things that marriage (and parenting) have unearthed in my own heart and although I’ve come a long way since we were first married, I’m still always amazed at how many layers there still seem to be!

Gary – Wow, you really have issues, don’t you ;).

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

Gary – Hmm, I actually think we need to acknowledge that in our society today we don’t have to make it through. It’s so easy to just give up and move on, trading in this relationship for a new one. When we were married, we actually had friends and family giving odds on how many years we would last! (I think it was four…we beat the odds!) I say all that because when we decided to get married, we did it with the caveat that divorce wasn’t an option. While we didn’t know the specific challenges we would face, we knew if there was an “out” we would be more likely to take it. So as best we could, we attempted to remove the potential of the “out” and face the reality of the challenge head-on. Scary, yes. Helpful in the midst of relational storms, definitely!

Jessica – It’s true, marriage can be really difficult! Two separate individuals are never going to agree on everything. Additionally, being in such an intimate relationship automatically increases the level of vulnerability and sensitivity we have with each other, so there is significantly more risk of hurting one another. We’ve had to get really good at both forgiving—pressing the “reset” button—and at having the humility to say “I’m sorry.” That second one is actually the worst for me. I despise being wrong and I hate admitting it even more! However, we know if we don’t actively practice both confession and forgiveness, resentment will capture our hearts and kill our marriage and family.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

Jessica – Keep your heart soft and open to God. Seriously, that is 100% the most important requirement for being a good spouse/parent. Not only will this keep you in a position to be continually transformed by Him—something that enables you to reflect Him and His love towards your family—it also serves as the primary motivation behind how you serve your spouse and family. Your spouse will let you down. Your kids will drive you crazy. There will be times when you honestly don’t feel like they deserve your love. God, on the other hand, is always worthy of our love and obedience, and therefore, we can serve our families for His sake even when we don’t feel like doing it for their sake.

In addition to this, you have to surround yourself with a good community. Yes, it’s important to be careful and respectful in how you talk about your spouse with others, but there are always going to be times when you actually need to vent or talk out an issue with someone else. Find the people who will be on the side of your marriage, not those who will just take your side. Keep people around who will listen, give godly advice, pray for you and with you, and who will give you a kick in the right direction in those times when you really need it.

Gary – Yes and yes to Jessica’s points above. I’m not always the peachiest person to live with (right, Jess?) and Jessica’s dedication to obey God by loving me, combined with the support of the community, has definitely been a blessing. I would add a few more. The advice was given to me to “shut up and hug” is generally quite effective. If the conversation is simply an emotional expression and doesn’t need words in response, a hug goes a long way.

As both a spouse and a parent, I also recommend the use of parking lots (or another quiet space) on the way home from work. Take five minutes (and not more) to pull off and transition your mind from work life to home life before you get home. As a parent, be careful with your tone. And one more as a spouse: make the bed. I can think of no other action that takes so little effort and yet has such a great return on investment!

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…. explain (this is a family blog)?

Jessica – Yes, it does! The problem is, we tend to associate romance with very specific actions, activities, and feelings (especially the fluttery, giddy feelings we get at the beginning of the relationship!). Romance, however, is about excitement and mystery, and even though we may think marriage kills mystery (a thought that usually arrives the first time one of you decides closing the bathroom door is optional), it actually deepens it. Early in our relationship, it was just exciting that he wanted to get to know me. Now I find myself often filled with excitement and awe at the fact that he already knows so much about me and yet still loves me and loves being with me!

Because of this, I have found all the little things Gary does to show his love have taken on an increasingly deeper meaning as the years go by. The way he seeks me out as soon as he gets home from work, sends me smiles across the room when we’re out at a gathering, or takes great delight in giving me an unexpected gift—he is constantly reminding me that I am loved and cherished, and it feels so much more romantic than any date we had before we were married.

Gary – Yes. I think when it comes to romance, we need to remember that healthy, loving relationships get better over time, not worse. When we were first married (and even dating) our romance was new and exciting, but also kind of awkward. Now it’s a lot smoother and our playful banter back-and-forth is much more satisfying as well because we know each other well. The same thing goes for physical intimacy. The more we get to know each other, the better things have become. I guess in response to your statement though, I would agree and say to keep pursuing your spouse. Make them the first person you “go-to”, find, share things with, etc. The investment is well worth it.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage. 

Jessica – Uh, no. We argue often and we most certainly do not have a perfect marriage! But I’m really glad we argue. We’re different people and have different thoughts, opinions, and ways of looking at the world, so of course, we will disagree sometimes! To have a marriage without arguments would mean we were living in denial and without any real intimacy between us.

It does matter how we argue, though, and we have learned a lot about how to talk through our disagreements. Most of the time now we’re able to come to a consensus fairly quickly, but there are, of course, some arguments that take longer than others! The ones that occur late at night are often the most difficult because, just like everyone else, we usually become significantly less reasonable when we’re tired. We never follow a rule of “work things out before you go to sleep” because we’ve learned there are some arguments that can’t be worked out until we’ve had some sleep!

Gary – I feel the need to clarify Jessica’s comment about working things out before we sleep (is this an argument??). I think we have always tried to work things out before heading to bed, but when it gets to the point where we’re exhausted, we acknowledge that sleep will actually help to solve the issue at hand. It’s our commitment to each other—and to work out our problems—that is what has been a priority for us. This comes back to our “divorce is not an option” caveat to our marriage. When there is no other way, we’re forced to find a solution or be stuck in a miserable living situation.

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

Gary – Marriage is not so much about what you get out of it, but what you put into it. It’s a bit cliché, but true. Focusing on your own life and making it better will just end up making it worse. I would also tell myself to pay attention to your wife. The more you know about her, the more you can love her and help her. When she is loved and supported, she blossoms. Also, getting married is just the beginning. It’s not “done” now, so keep working together and doing life together.

Jessica – I would say that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes, you love him now, but as you keep intentionally moving towards each other, you will get to experience a depth of love you can’t even imagine right now. It won’t ever be fully easy, but it will get easier and for every night that you go to bed in tears, you will have three times as many where you fall asleep full of indescribable joy and gratitude for the love you have found. Hold on and enjoy the process!

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

Jessica – Oh boy. Does it sound too evasive if I say “it depends”? Because it honestly does! Although I think Gary is actually the more romantic one pretty much all the time. He’s pretty great at that!

Gary – I’m definitely humbler! Seriously though, I think I am more romantic (or at least lean in that direction more than Jessica). Jessica is certainly more passionate and gentler. We’re both even on the kindness meter.

What are some nice romantic restaurants in Vancouver?

Jessica – We are probably the worst people to ask that question because for us the answer would be “any restaurant we’re at without our kids”! We do really like Cactus Club though. It’s a great date night spot!

Gary – Yeah, we’re not foodies at all and hardly have a chance to get out. We do love take-out wings and breadsticks from Pizza Hut after the kids go to bed though!

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

Gary Powell – Our whole marriage has been pretty funny! We often say our home life is kind of like a sitcom and we laugh at ourselves a lot. It helps not to take things too seriously. That said, my attempt at taking maternity “beach photos” of Jessica when she was 8-months pregnant was pretty funny. The waves kept crashing and pushing her over and let’s just say the words “beached whale” may have come out of my lips! (One more piece of advice for newly married couples—I do have pre-approval to share that story!).

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What is motherhood? What is surrogate motherhood? What is single motherhood? Where is motherhood maternity near me? These are some of the most common questions on Google.

Motherhood is one of the most compelling, influential, potent, effectual words and experiences. Being a mother echoes separately and is the most cherished, divine, angelic, and revered journey a woman will travel in her life.

As a father, it is difficult for me to write what it actually means. As I saw Jean grow in the belly of her mother, I realized we were becoming a family of three people. As I saw Jean kick and move in the belly and see the hands through the stomach it was magical. To hold her in my arms after the C section was a miracle.

I have noticed motherhood changed Debbie. It was a new and exciting chapter in her life. It made her more emotional and in touch with herself. It was also very exhausting. She also had to learn to balance other relationships and responsibilities in her life. Sophia Loren talks about “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” Kate Winslet says “Having children just puts the whole world into perspective. Everything else just disappears.”

Mckayla Butcher blogs about motherhood, marriage, and faith. She is real, funny, vulnerable, and writes from her own experience. I have enjoyed every article because it hits home. I sit down and talk about motherhood and relationships.

McKayla tell my audience something unique about you?

This question is always so hard! I would have to say something interesting about me is that I use to be a super extroverted person, and about 4 years ago that changed! I am now very introverted and prefer to have a very small circle of people I am close to. Not sure what happened, but I’ve noticed a lot of my personality had changed in the last few years. I think I am growing into the person I am going to be for the rest of my life. 

You blog about motherhood, marriage, and faith. So let’s talk motherhood. Help me understand the good, bad, and ugly truth about motherhood? 

There are so many aspects to parenting. And just like any major life experience, there are good parts, bad parts, and simply unexplainable parts. 

Walk me through what surprised you the most about motherhood?

I think what surprised me the most about motherhood is how hard it is to make important decisions. It’s one thing to make decisions for yourself, but it’s a whole other thing to be completely responsible for another life. It’s a lot of pressure. And sadly, no matter what decisions you make, you get a lot of mom-shaming from other moms. Us moms are very opinionated. But one thing for sure is we’re all trying to do our best at making the right decisions for our kids. 

Talk to me about having unrealistic expectations in a relationship? I am a believer in being practical and having realistic expectations.

It is so important to realize when you’re having unrealistic expectations. If you spend your marriage having unrealistic expectations, you will constantly be holding resentment towards your partner, which will push you further and further away from one another. It’s better to focus on the good things about your partner instead of the bad. There was a time a couple of years ago that my marriage was falling apart, but we decided we weren’t going to throw in the towel without fighting for it. 

The 5 love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. How can we inculcate these in our daily lives? 

The most important thing to realize about the love languages is that you want to understand your partner’s love language and use that to show them you love and appreciate them. If your love language is gifts, and your spouse’s love language is quality time, you don’t want to give them gifts because that is YOUR love language, not theirs. It is so easy to forget that you want to express their love language, and they need to express yours. You can take tests online to determine your love language, or you can read the book, The 5 Love Languages.

One of the things I had to learn in a relationship is that rather than looking for the right person, you yourself need to become the right person. I like your article on becoming a better wife. That article fascinates me and I want to know more?

One thing I learned during the time period that I was working hard to improve my marriage, is that you cannot change the other person, BUT… change inspires change. If you are actively trying to be the best version of yourself, your partner will notice. They will also start to work on themself, whether they realize it or not. One thing that can really put a strain on your marriage is constantly making your spouse feel like they’re wrong, or not good enough.

Let’s talk about marriage on a diet. You talk about service, intimacy, respect, trust, and dedication. Are these realistic? 

While it is not realistic to be perfect at all of these things all of the time, it is realistic to be mindful of them, and practice focusing on them in our day-to-day life. The more you prioritize these important relationship features, the more your spouse will appreciate you and see you as an ally. 

As a blogger on women’s empowerment, I am impressed with Jesus. He served women, elevated them to another level, he loved unconditionally, and hung out with the outcast and lonely. I want to know the practical aspects of your faith?

I believe the most practical aspects of my faith are the focus it has on service, community, and avoiding judgment of others. From someone who is not perfect and has made many mistakes, I appreciate all of these qualities so much. During the hardest times of my life, so many people from my church were right there to help me without judgment. I will never forget all that they have done for me and my family. It definitely encourages me to strive to be more Christ-like. 

Tell me a little about your city. The food scene, the restaurants and why we should visit it?

I live in American Fork, UT and I love it! It is the perfect size town with easy access to small towns to escape to, and large cities to find anything and everything you want. While it has all the popular restaurant chains, it also has some great diners and restaurants that are less common. A lot of the restaurants are also very accommodating for people with special dietary preferences and allergies, like me! 

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“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Benjamin Franklin

The truth is that being human, we are mortal. I strongly recommend a will, and it has the following benefits:

– It is you who decides how your estate is divided as per your wishes
– It is you who decides on an executor
– It is you who appoints a guardian for your children
– It is you who chooses a trustee to administer property for your kids
– It eases the strain on your family
– Minimizes expenses and reduces taxes
– Plans for incapacity
– Helps a charity of your choice

Avoid Intestacy

If you die in Ontario without a will, you die intestate. The state distributes the estate as per a set law, which provides for an orderly distribution. The first to share will be the spouse and the kids. However, the law does not consider the wishes of the deceased. For example, if you practice a certain faith, would you want the guardians of the same faith? The court will appoint an administrator. He will be a stranger and will charge a fee for this service.

Executor

The ability to appoint an executor of your choice is an important benefit of having a will. The executor makes an inventory of all your assets and is responsible for distribution as per your wishes. The norm is to choose a spouse, brother, sister, or friend. You also can choose your bank, trust company, or lawyer. There will be fees involved in this.

Guardian

If you have a minor or a dependant, you can appoint a guardian. A guardian is responsible for the care, custody, and upbringing of a child. If both parents die without appointing a guardian in a will, the court will choose the person who will care for your children. A will is the most reliable way to select a guardian to care for your children in the event of your death.

Trustee

A Trust consists of assets, which are managed and distributed by the trustee for beneficiaries. If a trust is not set up, the courts will decide who should be the administrator. Once the child reaches the age of majority, they get full control of the assets. It may not be in their best interest.

My father-in-law passed away in June of 2009. It was a stressful time for the whole family. It is also a time when you are fragile, emotional, and very vulnerable. The whole family met at the funeral parlor. The funeral director came and introduced himself to us. After listening to all the options, I finally realized how expensive a funeral can be. Doug had laid out everything to a T. He had a will. He had insurance. He had a prepaid funeral. He stated exactly how the funeral was to proceed. He had marked on a piece of paper all his accounts and financial information. This made me see how a will is done properly really makes it easy for everyone.

I am going to give an example of a client of mine. John Doe and Jane Doe came to me because they had three main goals in planning their estate:

They wanted the financial burden to easier on the other if one of them dies

They wanted one-year-old Tarzan to be in good hands and with enough funds, in case they both die

They wanted all debts, funeral cost, and estate costs paid off

I referred them to a lawyer to do a legal will. They named his brother to take care of Tarzan. They each got a term 20 insurance of half a million each. They name each other as beneficiaries. They decide to set up an education plan for Tarzan.

The Doe’s know that they need to update their will as they have more kids or any changes that occur.

The post Why you need a will appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Nena Hart is the Director of Nursing at Maui Health Systems. She is also a mother to four amazing children, a wife, married for 15 years, and a blogger. Nena is real and vulnerable about how she changed her heart from a stone to a living, healing heart. She considers herself super blessed.

Nena, help me understand your broken heart and how it changed to a healing heart?

Well, my dad went to prison when I was 12, and I lost both of my grandmothers that following year. Something just broke in me, my heart, my gentleness, everything just turned to hurt and anger. Long story short, I was sent away after my behavior escalated, and I was expelled. I went to a Christian boarding school that, after some controversy, is closed now. I stayed there for 18 months. My heart only truly started to heal after I met my husband, Jed. It was God’s way of showing me the truth of his promise that he had something amazing for me. Something that I had believed wholeheartedly was not ever going to be possible for me because of all I had done.

Talk to me about converting your heart from stone to flesh?

I had great mentors and support in my life who have counseled me and given me hard truths about life and how to use the natural consequences of my actions to grow. When I got married, I started to understand what love really meant: the choice, the humility. I started to realize what a selfish and self-focused person I had become. I started to realize this because I saw the kind of person my husband was and recognized I was not like him at all.

Growth and success in life need a lot of healing, introspection, and will to deal with stuff. Explain how you did it and came out thriving?

I have tried really hard to realize (usually after the fact haha) that I am not right and don’t need to be. That I am not all-knowing. I ask people why they did things and intentionally choose not to judge their answers. I am quick to judge a person so it has to be something I stop myself from doing.

In your blog, you talk a lot about tools in dealing with life. I want to know more about these tools.

Reflection and asking why. Writing, journaling.

Cutting out sources of negativity – even movies and the news if needed (I don’t watch gory movies, I don’t watch the news, and I don’t read smutty gossip type magazines, period) it doesn’t take me anywhere I need to go mentally, or in my career, as a parent, wife, etc. I try to only read helpful, encouraging, uplifting, positive materials.

Creating accountability and allowing people who are worthy and want to build you up.

Literally leaving behind temptations, and situations that set you up to fail. Cutting ties as much as possible with those who bring you down and do not support your ultimate goals of growth (not your crazy goals of blowing all your money on weird investments) but people who are users, who need you to fail to make themselves feel better, or people who cannot love you in a healthy way. I created physical, emotional, and mental distance from these people. Why – because I know I am NOT strong enough to be around people who are bad news. I had to start completely over.

Are religion and spirituality the same to you or is it different and why?

No, not really. I am a Christian. Religion to me is very confusing and not a relationship with Jesus, which is what I have. Spirituality can really be anything you want, the wind, the sky, I think it is very open to interpretation. What I am is saved by the Grace of God. It is VERY specific. It is not a debt I can repay. I have been restored from a dark place and it’s a personal experience that you can’t describe as do’s and don’ts. I think many people miss out on by being “religious” I also find that it is really easy to treat people badly when religion and rules are your guiding factor. That is not what Jesus wanted from us. It’s the opposite of what he preached and practiced on Earth.

Forgiveness….easy to write about…easy to talk about…but in reality, it is a process. Any comments?

I haven’t even fully achieved this yet. Sometimes an ugly memory will come up and I will feel resentment. I had expectations of people that they were not able to live up to, many unintentionally. My hurts are things I have to choose to let go of.

Humans are made to connect. There is a hole in each of us that can only be filled by connecting with people. We are leading busy lives and fail to connect. Does this alarm you?

It does sometimes when I realize my kids are in front of me begging me to play and I’m working or on my phone. I have to put it down and get on the floor face to face with them. Intentional parenting is something I’m really passionate about and I’m working on a separate blog about it!

How has marriage changed you?

Marriage has forced me to be a less selfish version of myself. It has been so hard and so easy to watch 15 years go by. Every day, choose to continue loving. I refuse to keep score against my husband. I refuse to expect fairy-tale romance and Instagram worthy pictures. THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE. I won’t sit and feel sorry for myself because marriage is not perfect. I have read tons of books and done several courses and it is your perspective and your self-talk that determines the health of your marriage. It is not something your partner can “do” for you. It’s not their job to make you happy and you won’t “feel happy” being married. Not real. False expectations. That being said, my husband is the same (even though we are total opposites) so it makes it easy when we are both committed to being positive and making it work NO MATTER WHAT. We consider each other feeling’s and apologize. Practicing humility and repeating Ephesians 4:2 A LOT.

You are a mother of four children. What have you learned from this experience?

These people need you to be understanding Growing up is so hard. They need 1:1 time with you. They need you to not freak out when they tell you something that as a mom makes you want to DIE. They need you to be approachable and not run them all over God’s creation to every single thing that they get invited to. They need boundaries. They need No.

Give me some tips to have a successful marriage?

Be humble. Don’t keep score. Don’t be right. It’s not worth being right, and there is no right answer, and it probably doesn’t even matter. “Is my marriage worth winning this argument?” Coming from divorced parents, I would do just about anything to make my marriage work for my kids, but God gave me a great guy and that helps a lot.

Let us talk about how faith, food, finance, and family are important to you?

I LOVE FOOD. ALL FOOD. I love to bake with my kids and make them special things. It is a kind of comfort that speaks to me. I like to teach my oldest how to cook things. My mom used to let me “bake” experiments and it helped me be creative in the kitchen. Most of my recipes are experiments haha. Faith is what should drive my life and my actions and my parenting, and my marriage. It should be #1 in my life. I struggle with that because reading my Bible is really challenging for me. Prayer comes easy for me. Just talk to God. Ask him what he wants, tell him what you want. Apologize when you screw up. It is a relationship.

My husband and I are completely debt-free except for my hefty school loans. It has been a painful process but 110% worth it. No credit cards. We follow Dave Ramsey and completed Financial Peace TWICE (I’m a slow learner and stubborn). it has probably saved our marriage more than twice. We don’t fight over money anymore. We use every dollar app and do a budget EVERY month. I’m a spender and our full-time income. I budget money on things I like to spend on (clothes and stuff for the kids mostly). It makes everything very simple and straight-forward. We pay with cash or debit. We have a small emergency fund and own a home (that we rent in another state) and our vehicle.

The post Nena Hart: A Healing Heart appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I am in my 25th year of marriage. I am reminded of Michelle Obama, who said that “Our greatness comes when we appreciate each other’s strengths, when we learn from each other, when we lean on each other”. I make mistakes all the time in my marriage. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery reminds us that “One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, love your spouse, treat her with respect, give her a big hug, and appreciate that she is different from you.

Appreciate your partner

I am having dinner with Debbie, Brian, and Sarah two weeks before my wedding.

Brian was the minister who was going to marry me. This was an opportune time to pick his brain.

Brian was a decade older. We did not have much in common. We had our disagreements. He was married for a while. I did respect him because he had a great marriage. He adored his wife.

Brian, what is the secret to a great marriage? I was expecting the following answers:

– Go to the e-harmony website and look at the 29 characteristics to have to be successful
– Pray together
– Spend quality time together
– Do not go to bed angry
– Keep the fights clean and the s.. dirty
– Be sensitive to her
– Just humble out and say you are sorry
– Build a triangle with God being the third

All of the above were great points. However, he surprised me with “enjoy each other’s difference”.

To be honest with you, I did not take what he was saying seriously. I was focusing more on the wine and the steak. I was excited about the wedding. 

After the honeymoon phase, things were becoming clearer. I was type A, Debbie was type Z negative. I was a hardcore disciplined individual. Debbie thought that word was Latin. I made 3 months 1 year and 5-year plans, Debbie flew by the seat of her pants. I was outgoing and carried my heart on my sleeve, Debbie was the stiff upper lip Scottish.

She forgave easily. I did not know how to spell forgiveness. I did not have patience, she had all the time in the world. I was prideful and full of myself. She was humble, down to earth with no pretensions. The big one. I was born in a home surrounded by about 10 women. Debbie was raised by her dad. She brought the toolbox into the wedding. I was brand conscious; she did not know the difference between a Toyota and a Mercedes let alone between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild and a Chilean Red. Enjoy each other’s differences, I said to myself. Easier said than done.

It finally hit me what Brian said. Did he give this advice to every couple who asked? He probably knew both our temperaments. No matter what it was wisdom?

It made me look at life differently.

Rather than seeing Debbie’s shortcomings, I just appreciate that she is different. It makes me understand why we are in each other’s life. Opposites attract. Marrying someone unlike you is exciting and challenging. Marrying a clone is boring. It also helped me to appreciate my own past and why I react the way I do.
The home does not have to be pristine clean every time. We do not have to be perfect. It also helped me get off the performance-driven treadmill.

It has helped me in my friendships. I do not get upset or angry just because someone disagrees with me. I am glad someone has another angle. It is ok to be friends with a tree hugger or a left-wing hawk. I need to have compassion for that 40-year-old legalist, who has never had a job, lives at home but sends me countless emails inviting me to all these life-changing events. It is his way of doing things. 

It has helped me in my business decisions. Being emotionally intelligent help, you make rational decisions. I might look at a business from a pure momentum play. Another has a bottom’s up approach. Alternatively, someone has a top-bottom way of doing research.

It has helped me deal with other Christian denominations. It has made me accepting, less judgmental, finding common ground and looking at the heart rather than playing church Olympics.

A friend recently remarked that he has known me for the last 30 years and this is the happiest I have ever been. Another remarked I am balanced.

I am sure it has to do with me getting older, wiser, married and being a father. A big portion of it is “enjoy each others difference”.

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Single parenting, co-parenting, helicopter parenting, authoritative parenting, controlling parenting, and permissive parenting are the different styles of parenting.

If you think you have arrived in life, try getting married. A spouse is like a mirror, a lot of your faults get exposed. If after marriage you still think you have arrived in life, try having a kid, and become a parent.

Parenting is one of the most challenging things I have done in my life, and also the most rewarding. It requires unconditional love, being unselfish, investing emotions, energy, time, feelings, and lots of forgiveness.

Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her professional experience includes public relations for Franciscan University of Steubenville, proofreading for Patrick Madrid’s Envoy magazine, and contributing to Aleteia, MercatorNet, Catholic Lane, Catholic Exchange, CatholicMom.com, The Southern Cross, and Creative Minority Report. Kerekes serves as editor and director of online publications at the Ruth Institute, where she writes weekly newsletters and manages the blog. She telecommutes from her home near San Diego, where she homeschools her four children and blogs about her parenting adventures.

Betsy offers her Top Ten Parenting Tips from her book Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying

One

There are as many different ways to parent as there are parents. You do what works for you, and don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. And by all means, don’t compare your child to others. A mom who had a baby around the same time as I had my first made a comment about teething. I mentioned that my daughter had four teeth coming in at once, only because I thought it unusual. The other mom seemed upset by this news and got defensive — over teeth, as though the rate at which children sprout teeth somehow determines who will go to a community college and who will go to Harvard. Don’t stress over supposed milestones or how your kid measures up. Do your best, and don’t worry about the rest.

Two

Because parenting is hard, cruddy stuff is going to happen. It just comes with the territory. Taking a deep breath and moving on after an unfortunate incident will help you maintain a happier demeanor, inside and out, especially when it comes to things you have no control over. Some days your children are just going to be fussy like they’re taking turns or have it scheduled on a secret calendar. Keeping a sense of humor helps. Once I asked a friend how her kids were. She responded: “For sale.”

Three

No sane person thinks parenting is easy, but focusing on the blessings in your life, even if your house is a mess or the laundry is piling up, is the antidote to the parenting pits. Clearly, your kids don’t mind those messes since they enjoy making them, and rolling around in a pile of unfolded laundry is the rainy-day equivalent of jumping in a pile of leaves. Why deprive your children of that joy? Instead, maintain an attitude of gratitude by focusing on the positive. Your children have enough clothes that they can get dirty. The dishes stacked in the sink prove that you have ample food for your family. Ice cream exists. And the list goes on and on.

Four

If you’re a perfectionist, having children may be particularly difficult, especially if you’re the type who tries to maintain a spotless home. You can be happier if you adopt this principle: Let it go. Embroider it on a pillow if necessary. Here’s a scenario: after breakfast, the floor under your table looks like the leftovers at the carnival in Charlotte’s Web. You want to sweep it immediately, but you’re unable because you’re wrangling tiny people all day. Lunch happens, and now the floor looks like the streets of New Orleans after Mardi Gras. You want to pull your hair out, but you still haven’t found time to clean. The solution? Make like Elsa and let it go. I don’t mean go a week without sweeping under the table. If mice move in to clean up the mess for you, well, that could be a win or a loss. The floor is getting clean, but if those mice start building temples to their gods complete with statues made from food scraps that impressively resemble your children, you may have a problem. Get out the broom and destroy a civilization. But for those everyday things that put the perfectionist in you on high alert, remember that the world won’t end and your house won’t fall down around you if you don’t get to it right away. Take a deep breath, do what you can, when you can, and don’t stress over it unnecessarily. I saw a meme that said: “Once you stop caring that the Play-Doh colors are mixed together, the second part of your life begins.” I totally get that. It took four kids, but I’ve finally arrived.

Five

Keep your negative reactions in check. Imagine you’re potty training your child. (Did you just shudder? My apologies.) Now imagine you take your child to the potty, but she doesn’t want to go. You try again later and still nothing. You ask her if she needs to go. She insists she doesn’t. Next thing you know, her pants are wet. You, frustrated by the whole experience, kind of lose it. “Look what you did! You wet your pants! I tried to get you to go on the potty. I sat you down, you said you didn’t need to go. Then I asked again, and you still said no. One minute later you’ve wet yourself. Now I have to wash you up and find clean clothes and…” etc. Unbeknownst to you, this reaction is teaching your child to lie in order to avoid seeing you angry or be yelled at. You can express disappointment, sure, but remain calm and patient. You want your child to feel safe coming to you with the truth when she ran a purple marker across the back of the white couch or when he threw a ball indoors and knocked over a lamp. If such incidents happen and you fly off the handle, don’t be surprised when you’re met with tight lips after asking who swirled a magnet across the computer screen.

Six

Related: Model not making a mountain out of a molehill. When my kids hurt themselves, I’m kind of like, “meh.” Yes, I’ll tend to the wound, but I won’t make a bigger deal out of it than it warrants. When I was a school secretary, kids would sometimes come to me asking for a Band-aid for some microscopic cut. When I couldn’t see anything, they’d squeeze until the tiniest drop of blood was visible. My favorite kids were the ones who came to the office with blood I could see from several feet away. I’d say, “Whoa, let me get you a Band-aid,” but they’d be like, “Nah, I’m just going to slap a paper towel across it and head back out.” Those kids were all from the same hardy family of goat owners. I loved them. The kids, not the goats. Maybe both. Baby goats are kids, so I guess both. These children didn’t try to make a huge fuss in order to get attention. They dealt with the problem simply and moved on. They were tough, and that’s an attitude that will get them far in life. I recommend encouraging that in your kids, goat, or human. For the more sensitive children, you can always point out that each passing moment gets the owie closer to being healed. You can also remind them that tomorrow they’ll feel so much better (or by bedtime, or in like one minute, depending).

Seven

Younger kids might be bothered that they can’t do the same things as their older siblings, like check the bear traps or drive the Batmobile. At a playground, a little girl was crying because she couldn’t swing across the monkey bars like her big brother. The mom assured the girl that her brother was able because he’d done it more times. “Practice makes progress,” she said. I found that interesting. We can’t promise our kids they’ll become perfect at something, even with lots and lots of practice. No one is perfect at everything, despite what you see on Pinterest boards. By using the word “progress,” this mom helped her daughter realize that though she may not be great at something now, she can improve with repeated effort. The less obvious message is that the popular trope of “you can be anything you want if you just try hard enough” is false. Despite this “good parenting” mantra of our modern culture, not everyone who wants to can become a Nobel prize winner, or an astronaut, or Adele. If your kids discover their big fabulous dream isn’t coming true, it’s an opportunity to point out that God might not mean for them to cure a common cold, build a better mousetrap, invent a new ice cream flavor, save an endangered species, and all those things on the Game of Life “Life Tiles.” Of course, you should encourage your kids to reach reasonable goals, but remind them that if things don’t seem to be working out, it may be because God has another, a better plan that will take prayer and time to figure out.

Eight

Sharing is good, but don’t force it. Even though “don’t forget to share” is a common parental phrase, we shouldn’t make our kids give up a toy or the swing for someone else all the time. Sharing is no doubt important, but only when the child does so from his own initiative. We can model sharing by doing so ourselves and then encouraging our kids to follow suit by pointing out how sharing has made another person happy. For them, you could say, “How nice of you to let the other boy play with your ball. See how happy you made him? Thank you for sharing.” However, sharing isn’t always appropriate. What if your child wasn’t finished on the swing? Instead, offer him advanced notice that soon it will be someone else’s turn. “Five more minutes on the swing then let someone else have a go.” Another option is playing together. “How about you kick the ball back and forth to each other?” rather than making your child give up his toy entirely. Being nice is one thing, but we don’t want our children to feel like sharing is a punishment when they haven’t done anything wrong.

Nine

Strive to make family dinner the norm. Being together strengthens the familial bond, builds positive relationships among siblings, and generally keeps teenagers out of the usual teenagery troubles. Younger kids learn new vocabulary words (for good or bad) and proper table manners. Everyone is more apt to eat healthily and therefore be healthy, and you’ll have a better idea of what’s going on in your kids’ lives. To get the ball rolling, you can play the high/low game where each person names the best and worst part of their day: “We bought a new carton of ice cream! That carton is now empty.” It’s a great way to find out what drives and motivates your kids.

Ten

You might think you’ll be truly happy if you could just have a girl, a boy, your dream home, a new car, a better job, or an ice cream shop to open up within walking distance. Perhaps you feel you’ll be happier when the kids are older and easier, or when they’re no longer teenagers, or when you have an empty nest, or when you can finally retire. But if you continue thinking that way — waiting for that next thing that you’re sure will make you happy — you’ll never be happy. Instead, find the joy in your life as a parent today.

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