Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. – Dalai Lama XIV

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

Introduction

Philosophers, scientists, and intellectuals have agonized over the years as to what happiness is. On a personal basis, happiness is not being high all the time or feeling ecstatic, being rich, or sitting on a yacht in Cannes.

When my daughter was young, we would go on long drives, and every few minutes she would ask, “Are we there yet?” Happiness is not the final destination.

In my opinion, happiness is being satisfied with where you are in life.

The pursuit of happiness is a goal for a lot of people. From my perspective and life experiences, here are some secrets to achieving happiness and contentment in life.

Never compare yourself to anyone

Our five fingers are not the same. Each snowflake is individual and unique. Every human being is unique and rare. All human beings have strengths, weaknesses, and gifts. Therefore, it is no use comparing your status, wealth, titles, education, or achievements. Each individual has their own story and challenges. Life does not flow the way we want.

Accept life is unfair

The sun shines on everyone. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. That is life. Never fight it. Above all, we are all on this boat called life. On the sea, there will be good days; there will be weeks of high waves rocking you and there could be a hurricane. Life throws all kinds of things at you which can seem unfair at times, for instance.

Practice gratitude daily

I went to a private British boarding school then went to university in Switzerland and now live in Canada. The truth is until I met Debbie I did not know how to spell gratitude. Gratitude is a choice. A person who is grateful appreciates that there is value in something which is extrinsic, cannot put a monetary value to it, and is free. Over the last ten years, I start my day by being grateful to be alive, in good health, Debbie, Jean, my parents, amazing friends, and a great life. In other words, it has changed me and I am not the same person that I was a decade ago.

Forgive daily

This is my biggest weakness. However, if you want to be in any form of a relationship as a father, husband, son, friend, or mentor, you have to forgive. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. It is about setting boundaries. We cannot have resentments or want compensation for the loss or hurt caused by others. Forgiveness is not letting people take advantage of you, ignoring the offense, or condoning it. This is a work in progress for me. I have not mastered forgiveness completely.

It is critical to living our lives in love, peace, being patient, kind, gentle, and having compassion. I am by nature impatient. I have a long way to go in being compassionate.

Volunteer and give to charity

Research has shown that giving to charity and volunteering activates the pleasure centers in the brain. When we volunteer our time to an organization it makes us realize how lucky we are. I remember volunteering in the Out of the Cold Program. It really made me realize how lucky I was to have a roof over my head. When I give to charity, it makes me realize, I am making a difference. It gives meaning to my life. Try it. You never know if happiness awaits you.

Do not have unrealistic expectations

If you want to destroy your relationship with your parents, brother, sister, wife, children, and co-workers then you can do it by having unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations are unhealthy because it sets others and us for failure. It is assuming a level of control that we do not have in a situation.

I am a recovering perfectionist. Over the last five years, this is something I have grown the most. It has allowed me to be free. I am less demanding, less judgmental, more empathetic, and loving.

Deal with issues in life

I am a big believer in living a balanced life. The physical, mental, emotional, financial, and psychological self must all be in harmony. We must accept our brokenness. We must be humble and realize we are no better. We all have issues we need to deal with. It could be our ego, insecurities, anger, impatience, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and other issues. We need to face them and deal with them. The more I understand my own brokenness and am in touch with it on a daily basis; it makes me a better human being.

Connect with your family and friends often

Humans are meant to connect. We are meant for relationships. We thrive when we are in healthy relationships. Research has shown that those people who have supportive friends and family tend to be less anxious and depressed.

Over the last 18 months, I have lost four close friends. It has been tough and challenging. However, it is my ecosystem of relationships that have sustained me through this tough time.

Focus on goals

It is important to have goals in every area of your life. Every year I write down my goals. It could be a simple thing like I need to read more books. Goals keep us focused.

Try new things and pursue your passion

Before I met Debbie, I had never gone on an all-inclusive. I just never saw myself as just lying on the beach. I have gone on more than ten beach vacations all over the Caribbean. It has opened up my mind. I have also decided to pursue my passion for becoming a writer. It excites me. I have all these topics that I want to write about. I am focused and passionate about making this a full-time job.

It is important to understand that happiness should not be the goal. It is the byproduct of my doing all the things on a consistent basis. There are times when I have failed miserably. There are times; I have wanted to give up. But I just bounce back the next day.

Good luck and write back to me as to how some of these points have helped you to achieve contentment and happiness in your life.

The post 10 Secrets to Happiness appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong – Mahatma Gandhi

To err is human, to forgive, divine – Alexander Pope

Romance to ruin

It was my tenth wedding anniversary. I was excited to have made it this far.

As we celebrate in a fine dining restaurant on the Mayan Riviera, I ask Debbie how we are doing as a couple. I love asking Debbie this question. You see, in the last decade, she had never criticized me. On the other hand, if I ask my daughter how I am doing as a father, I always get a list of things I need to work on.

I am excited. Debbie will tell me that I have been sensitive, gentle, romantic and will thank me for bringing us to this amazing resort. The ego is waiting to be fed.

‘Jerry, I have to be honest with you about something. The first is that you are a lousy sleeper. The second is that every time we hang around certain people, you are not the same person for a week.

‘Wow! Wow! Wow! Hold on a minute…what do you mean I am a lousy sleeper?’

‘Well, it takes you an hour for you to go to sleep. You are always twisting and turning. And even when you sleep it feels like you are fighting someone’.

‘OK, OK, I get it. What about the second comment?’

Debbie names a few people.

Walk on the beach

In life, have you ever felt like someone has put a knife inside you? How about when they turn it and sprinkle salt and vinegar on the wound? That is how I was feeling.

After dinner, I took a long walk on the beach.

As the waves were fighting the gravitational pull of the earth and the moon, I was fighting what Debbie just told me.

However, it did explain something. All my life I have always felt tired. I have never pulled an all-nighter in my whole life. Debbie was so true about some of the names she mentioned.

I had to do something about it.

Around this same time, 7 men involved in my wedding got divorced. We also had a reunion from St. Andrews in New York and a classmate who lives less than an hour’s drive never showed up. After two years of planning, a university reunion did not occur because people could not decide which hotel to stay at.

Face to face with forgiveness

Keep in mind, that hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain they have some unresolved issues. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily – Joel Osteen

I am in Dr. Lin’s office. I told her about the talk I had with my wife. She asks me a few questions about my past. After an hour, we come to a mutual decision that I need help. I made a request about what kind of shrink I want (the control freak in me).

My first appointment with Coleen resulted in me talking about how many friends I had. She tells me that if anyone has more real friends than their fingers, there is an issue there. I learned not to try to impress her anymore.

It was a long, painful, difficult process. For the first three years, I came monthly.

We talked about unconditional love, abandonment, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, dealing with issues, taking people where they are at, being broken, and forgiveness.

Dealing with the reality

I am a perfectionist, have unrealistic expectations of people, am prideful, impatient, ungrateful, co-dependent on people, and am looking for love in all the wrong places and wrong people.

I was driving my wife nuts. She would clean the whole home, and mow the lawn, Jean was in bed, and dinner was waiting for me. But I had to pinpoint that one piece of stain on the hardwood.

I had unrealistic expectations from my friends that they had to be as loyal as I was to them.

I was arrogant that I was working on Bay Street.

I was driving myself crazy that I had not made it to Vice President at 35.

I graduated from one of the best high schools on the planet. I got honors from the best hotel school in the world. I do not smoke, drink or do drugs. Porn, that is for losers who do not get the real stuff. Me broken, never. I had to come in touch with me being broken.

I had to come in touch with my own criticism and negativity, deep-rooted from my own insecurities.

I had a bad temper and was impatient.

I could not spell being grateful and forgiving.

I had kept a record of wrongs for a long time.

I did not have boundaries in my life.

As I continued to talk, email, and write letters to those who hurt me, it was like a whole burden had come off.

I was sleeping better, happier, and became a better husband and father.

What is forgiveness

Forgiveness is the willful and purposed process by which a victim undergoes a radical change in emotions, awareness, and perspective towards an offense and does not believe in being vengeful or wants compensation from the offender and wishes the offender well.

Forgiveness does not mean we condone, excuse, forget, pardon (legal), or seek reconciliation from the offender.

Research has shown that forgiving other people is better for your health.

Am I perfect today? No. I still struggle with many issues and am more aware of them. I make fun of my perfectionism. If someone is rude or cuts me on the highway, I try not to take it personally.

I promise you I am not the same person that I was five years ago.

I warn you not everyone will be happy with this new you. You will gain and lose some relationships. Not everyone is comfortable with change.

As you read this article, please call someone who has hurt you or you have hurt. Forgive the other person. Trust me you will come out ahead. Write to me about how this process has helped you.

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