The instinctive and logical stages of grief are a natural response to loss.

On a cold, frigid Monday in February 2018, I got a call from a close university friend asking me to have lunch with him. We decided to have lunch on Thursday. He died that same day. The most difficult day of my life was being at his funeral.

In 2016, my best and closest friend in the business world died of Cancer. In 2017, a high school friend died of a heart attack.

The instinctive and logical stages of grief took over me. I experienced a deep loss.

The definition of grief is the instinctive and normal physical, spiritual, social, intellectual, and emotional reaction to loss. I was crying, could not focus, felt tight in my throat, lacked an appetite, and became angry with my friend.

Freud was the trailblazer in researching the instinctive and logical stages of grief. I experience the five stages of loss as per Kubler-Ross. I was shocked, angry, bargained for the reason it happened, became sad, and took me a while to accept it. I had to learn from this experience.

John Bowlby posited the Attachment Theory, whereby humans develop relationships and bonds. Humans experience grief which is a natural, instinctive, and natural reaction to loss. It is critical to accept your natural response. You have to balance it or if you suppress it, it could result in anxiety, irritation, anger, resentment, bitterness, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I had to take the approach of William Worden. The best way to deal with grief is to accept it. I had to work through the pain. I had to accept the new reality and deal with the loss.

When you are in a dark hole, the easiest route is to numb the pain with drugs, food, work, and alcohol. It might work in the short term but is detrimental in the long run. If you do not deal with the instinctive and logical stages of grief, you will never come out of the dark hole.

Four Columns believes in being empowered and dealing with the instinctive and logical stages of grief. I strongly suggest that you give yourself time, it is a process, talk to friends and family, practice self-care, take part in activities that give you joy and pleasure, join a support group and finally get professional help.

Thomas Nolte is a Grief Recovery Specialist, driving all over North America, helping people deal with the instinctive and logical stages of grief. Thomas is real, and vulnerable and shares his own journey about grief.

Help me understand what grief is.

Thank you for asking, Jerry. Since, generally speaking, we mostly avoid the subject of grief and loss or consider it only in connection with losing a loved one, grief is often experienced, yet remains unrecognized. We experience grief and loss daily. Therefore,  it is so helpful to know that that’s what is happening and how we can deal with grief. Let me share some definitions that make this clear. First off, grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind and is experienced in conflicting emotions that can be tough to deal with. The definition that works best for me is this one: every time I want something different, better, or more, I experience grief. This results in a sense of feeling “incomplete”, of having unfinished business, regrets, feeling depressed, bitter, or stressed. Once we know this and recognize grief in us and others, we no longer need to react with anger, fear or depression, nor want to fix something or someone, but will feel compassion and a sense of acceptance, and the event that causes grief does not need to disable us or define our choices or affect how we feel.

Walk me through your role as a grief recovery specialist.

As a grief recovery specialist, I teach about grief and loss and guide grievers to understand what it is, what myths surround grief, and how we act out trying to deal with it, and I educate others on how to live with grief in such a way that it does not burden us nor impact our relationships and our future negatively.

This is practically achieved by learning about and practicing a series of practical steps, identifying the losses in our lives, evaluating each relationship and learning to forgive where needed, accept responsibility for our own shortcomings and apologize where needed, and say “goodbye” to the pain in written form.

I also speak at events to help participants to identify grief and learn how to respond, how to listen and what not to do or say, and not to fear the subject but become a “heart with ears”, willing to listen and share the moment with someone who is grieving.

Grief is something we learn to live with, not something we overcome. Am I right here?

You are right, Jerry. Grief is always experienced in a relationship, and yes, we don’t get “over” grief, forget what happened or what someone did or didn’t do, condone the hurt someone caused, nor have to go through “stages of grief” as often assumed incorrectly. We need to learn to say “goodbye” to the pain, not the relationship. We all grieve at times and that’s okay, normal, and healthy. With proper understanding and practice, we learn to identify grief, explore the conflicting feelings we have and “complete” what was left incomplete due to the loss event. After we process our losses in this way, we can live with them in a way that they do not impact future choices, nor do we have to carry our pain into the future.

Talk to me about people who never deal with their grief. What are some of the repercussions?

Not dealing with grief is like carrying a heavy load of rocks (I like to call them “rocks of grief”) in an imaginary backpack that weighs us down and gets heavier over time, limiting our ability to love God, love others, and ourselves. It can lead to outbursts of anger, living in fear of future losses and disappointments, and can make us bitter, rather than better. We end up building a wall around our hearts in fear of getting hurt again and can block out many blessings in life that God has in store for us. This will negatively impact all our relationships and our self-image.

Tell my audience about your own grieving process, and how you deal with grief.   

I used to believe that I had to just deal with whatever loss or grief came my way, find a way through it, trust, pray and believe in a positive outcome. Or try to figure out what stage of grief I am in and how to get over it, often feeling at a loss and burdened even more with my failing efforts. I ended up often believing that I am just stressed and needed rest or a change, and as a result, I moved somewhere or started a new career, etc. Now I pause, listen and take the time to identify and validate what I feel. Accepting that what I feel is okay and important wasn’t always easy for me, nor encouraged by others, as emotions seem to get in the way of performing well or pleasing others. Now I allow the emotions I feel, recognize that what I feel is normal, that grief is normal and that rather than considering what is right or wrong, I now look for what I want different, better, or more. In this way my heart stays calm, I feel understood, and I have friends and family who will listen and accept me where I am, helping me sort out my emotions so that I can accept the conflicting emotions as normal until I work through them. The practical steps of dealing with grief and loss offered by the Grief Recovery Method work amazingly well, resulting in saying ‘goodbye” to the pain in a relationship, not the relationship itself.

You have had varied careers. Why become a grief recovery specialist?

God led me to this field after having to retire early due to severe medical issues. Having adopted 2 children and being offered training by a friend to help children grieve, I learned about the documented success of the “Grief Recovery Method” and experienced how well it works in our own family. I decided to become certified as a Specialist so I can share what I learned and experienced, and it has been very rewarding.

Thomas, does your own life experience help you to guide others through the grieving process?

Absolutely, Jerry. Though we can never really know what someone else feels or is going through, it helps to know grief firsthand and how to deal with it before helping others. At the age of 21 I started having difficulties walking, and at 28 had to give up my dream career of being a fighter pilot. Later my wife and I were unable to have children and went through years of pain and loss in her trying to get pregnant. We moved many times including from the US to Germany, Germany to Canada as well as many times in between, having to start over many times, even in new cultures. I lost both my parents recently, our beloved dog, and still experienced chronic pain and disabilities, despite being blessed to travel and share what I have learned.

Every human being experiences loss at some point in their life. I am a big believer in dealing with it but also learning, growing, and helping other people through that loss. Is this the correct approach?

Yes. I agree. Sharing with others what we learn, and experience can be very rewarding and also help us to grow in our understanding. I often suggest buying the “Grief Recovery Handbook” and start reading it. It is eye-opening and a great conversation starter and explains and guides through the practical steps to deal with grief and loss.

How do you take care of yourself after dealing with a tough situation?

I now allow myself to experience it, find someone safe to share what I am feeling, and process grief in a helpful way, having grace and compassion for myself. I can be the perpetual “fixer”. Knowing there is nothing to be “fixed” helps me relax and stay in the moment. I enjoy the outdoors, time to pray and read, time to exercise, and love deep conversations and heartfelt relationships where I can be open about my life, struggles, and fears and where I can listen to others share.

The post The Instinctive and Logical Stages of Grief appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Over the last eight months, as I take care of Debbie as she battles cancer, I get a lot of compliments. Oh, Jerry, you are so patient, kind, gentle, compassionate, such a great father, we only wish more men were……..

I smile because most of these people who make these comments never knew me as a teenager.

For the first 12 years of my life, I drove my two female cousins crazy. I was sent off to boarding school. At St. Andrews, in grade 8, I and a friend of mine went into the girls’ dormitory and lit a whole bunch of crackers. The principal could have barred me but she did not. Every morning she would play badminton with me and my friend.

In grade 9, this same friend and I broke into the kitchen late at night for food. My friend turned the whole cauldron of soup. The principal had every reason to disbar us. She made us assistant prefects for a whole dorm. One late evening while all the boys were asleep,  I tied the pajamas of all the boys together and my friend was flicking the lights. I am sure parents complained to the principal, but she never gave up on us.

In grade 10, the frogs were brought for us to dissect on Monday. On Sunday we broke into the lab and I started grilling the frogs over the bunsen burner. This SAME friend decided to mix pure silver with hydrochloric acid. Next thing I know the whole lab is on fire. My mom got a big bill.

There are countless other things we did. The principal never gave up on us.

Today as my dear friend who trades metals, another prefect who lives in New York and import clothes and another prefect who is in San Fran, we talk and laugh on Whatsapp. We made it this far because the principal never gave up on us.

I met Sara in the youth group as a private school brat, spoiled, opinionated, hubris, and super righteous. Sara always laughed, listened and just loved me unconditionally. I honestly believe that I made it through all those insecurities because of her just being there for me.

Sara is the third person in my Women of Wisdom series. Women of Wisdom have been around since the beginning of time. If you look at Jewish culture Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Leah, Miriam, Deborah, and Esther come to mind.

None of the women in my Women of Wisdom series are perfect. They have been chosen because they have been at the top of the mountain and at the bottom. They have been deep in the tunnel and have come out on the other side. They have scars.

Here is my call to action. Read this interview a couple of times. Think of a bete noire or an outlier you know. They are wired differently like me. Reach out and love them unconditionally.  Has someone made a difference in your life? Reach out to them and thank them. How about has someone hurt you or just disappointed you? Forgive them. You will feel empowered and free.

Sara, welcome to my Women of Wisdom series. NO PRESSURE.  Please introduce yourself to my global audience?

Hello Jerry.  It’s lovely to chat with you. And I’m certainly honored to be asked to this Women of Wisdom series.  I’m guessing your readers are looking for information and a perspective they cannot get by googling these topics, but rather lived experience.

Who am I?  I’m introspective, a thinker, a problem solver in a quiet way. I’m driven by a deep desire to understand humanity. I deeply believe there are no throw-away people.  Everybody matters, everyone counts: whether they can contribute to society in a given moment or not.

I often see people as buried treasure, the latch to the chest locked by shame, grief, trauma. I walk beside them until they are empowered to open the chest, work through the debilitating fear, and live the lives they long for.

When I was introduced to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and the concept of nonviolence, I felt I’d come home. Mutuality? YES, power alongside instead of power over? YES!

I had my fabulous 65^th birthday last year.  I was born the 3^rd of 7 in a small farming community in the Midwest USA.  2 weeks after my 7^th birthday my mom died of a brain tumor leaving 4 bewildered children and a heartbroken husband with a farm to run.

After 35 years as a minister’s wife and on the staff of churches from 30 – 1500 members, I now co-own In It 4 Life Counselling and Education. I am in private practice with both online and in-person clients. I’m a Registered Professional Counsellor RPC with the Canadian Professional Counsellor’s Association. I’ve had over 10,000 client hours.

I have a B.Ed. from Harding University in Searcy, AK and teaching is still my happy place.

I have both in-person clients and those I meet via video conferencing in the UK, Europe, and across the breadth of the USA and Canada. I mentor a Graduate student in Clinical Counselling in Manila, Philippines, and in December I initiated a mental health project to train 6 HOPE Worldwide Philippines staff in mental health tools.

I’m a Certified Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist®. In the last 2 years, I’ve become connected with 2 of the Aboriginal foster parents’ societies in Vancouver, BC where I live. I equip foster parents and staff with tools to unravel the tangled emotions associated with loss and trauma and move forward with hope and purpose.

This summer I was privileged to be on the team that edited the online Helping Children with Loss workshop and was the first Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist® in North America to deliver the program.

The deeper I get into the human mind, the more I value each person’s story. Anyone in the nadir of despair.

Two years after graduating from high school, my best friend committed suicide. I had no clue what mental health meant or was. Please explain what is mental health?

Jerry, how very difficult it is to have a friend who died by suicide. Those are often the moments our minds circle back to trying to find the meaning. How? Why? Could I have done something? How could I not have known?

Of course, there isn’t one answer to this question. But I’ll explain mental health the way I describe it to my clients and their families.

Mental health refers to our state of mind, our perception of events. Our sense of well-being both within ourselves (Me) and in the social network of our lives (WE).

Do you remember the movie, The Princess Bride? Do you remember the dark foreboding Fire Swamp with rodents of unusual size and lightning sand ready to destroy the unwary? That is the experience some have when they explore their own minds and behavior. Their thoughts are bewildering, their behavior inexplicable, and seemingly unchangeable. They do not make sense to themselves. They are living in the black hole of despair and life on their regular life street seems a distant memory.

They feel as if they are in a bubble separated from others; that they are invisible, even immobilized.

Our thoughts revolve around three worlds: our past, our present, and our future.

In mental illness, we view our past as unchangeable and negative. We do not hold positive memories of love or the small successes that make life meaningful. Instead, our minds often circle whirling in a painful, endless story of hopelessness and failure.

In our present, we live in a state of fear and anxiety. We have a deep belief that we cannot effect change in our own lives.

As we consider our future, the squirrel of our anxious mind jumps from branch to branch collecting fear dreams and worry nuts hoarding them close inside us.

Let me explain. As we consider our future, our anxious mind seeks and collects disturbing possible futures. Our mind bounces from imagined scenario to scenario leaving our body with elevated heart rate, higher blood pressure,  short shallow breaths.  Our thoughts race in circles, but go nowhere.

As I get older, I realize that there are biological factors like genetics and brain chemistry. But trauma, abuse, and family history also play an important role. For brain chemistry, we can take drugs but to deal with trauma and abuse we need psychological help. Help me understand what this psychological help is all about?

I also believe that Psychosis and altered states of reality do exist that require medication and care by a psychiatrist or psychologist.

As a mental health counselor, I’m the guide who walks alongside the client; empowering, equipping, resonating with tender empathy. I do not come with my own agenda but rather seek to help my clients find the path they long for.

Counselors are more like the physiotherapists of the mind. We help the client find and practice new ways of thinking and seeing themselves and the world around them. Then we guide them in the work of building new pathways in the brain so they can strengthen those new paths.

There are so many magazines on physical health, makeup, financial health but the psychological, emotional, and mental health gets ignored. In so many cultures it is a taboo, I am so glad in Canada we talk about it. In your practice what are you seeing these days and how talking about it helps us and our families?

Jerry, so many people rushed into my mind at this question.  Slow down brain….

Now in the days of social distancing due to Covid-19, I’m seeing some positives and some deepening challenges.

I see people looking for help for what they describe as a hollow emptiness in their chests. A sense of alarming aloneness does not shift even when with people. This sense of panic occurs when they have not developed secure attachment as children. This secure sense of self can be developed and strengthened at any age. But it is more and more common these days.

I also see unresolved complex grief often caused by a series of painful losses in a short period of time. These losses have overwhelmed their ability to recover, leaving them immobilized or even believing they are irrevocably broken as people.  There is a very important difference between believing you have done something that you feel bad about and believing that there is something inherently wrong with you as a human being.

I have mixed thoughts about talking about mental health needs.  Jerry, who we talk to makes quite a big difference. I find young people often rely on their friend-group for advice and support for mental health issues. I have seen this lead to teens taking on the trauma of their friends even when they have not experienced the trauma.

In Helping Children with Loss by the Grief Recovery Method® we teach adults to lead the way. To model emotional honesty. Our children imitate this and learn that their uncomfortable emotions are welcome in the family. They don’t need to stuff them away in their hearts or block emotions with drugs, sex, video games, etc. But rather their heart, their pain, and their grief are held with respect and honor.

Let’s talk about family. How did marriage and motherhood change you as a person? After four decades of marriage, what are you still learning about this institution?

My mother died of a brain tumor within a couple of weeks of my 7^th birthday, leaving 4 lost confused children, ages 12-2, and a grieving husband with a farm to run.  I never had a Hollywood fairy tale idea of marriage or family.

What I did have is a childhood shaped in the arms of a rural community, faith community, and the neighbors on RR#1 who kept an eye on us. Through all these experiences I formed a picture of what a secure relationship looked like. I dated, had my heart thoroughly broken, learned some tough lessons about myself, and landed in a more grounded place determined to lead with my head, not my romantic heart.

42 years later, I’d say it was a pretty good place to start. Head over heels in love, with my feet firmly tethered to reality. We suffered a lot. Learned a lot.

Then, 12 years ago my husband starting having medical symptoms. At one point I foresaw the very real possibility that he would be disabled or even die.

It was a watershed moment for me. We had been very close, able to communicate about most topics. We even worked together. We didn’t like the uneasy edgy feeling of tension between us and resolved issues fairly quickly.

My eyes opened in a painful moment of personal clarity. I needed to form a clearer picture of the ME in WE. How would I make a living? What did I think about topics of faith, social issues, racism, politics? The man who had stood by my side was now facing his own battle and was not always available to me.

He survived, but he is in nearly constant pain. He went back to school, earned a Master’s degree. We both shifted out of the ministry. I started my own business. Our relationship grew richer & deeper as the ME and YOU grew.  I’m still learning to be more HONEST and to invite his honesty.

So that’s what I’d say, Jerry. We’ve tested the edges of our trust in each other and found we can tolerate, and dare I say even enjoy much more than we imagined. We can disagree, fight through differing opinions and NOT agree and it’s still OK. I once thought the goal was the unified US, but now see the energy & growth that comes from being YOU and ME.

A 27-year-old woman wants to get married. Tell her some of the qualities she needs to look for in a man?

So, to a 27-year old woman I’d say:

You’ve probably suffered already in relationships. Had your heartbroken. Lost your confidence. 30 is now on the horizon.

Are you feeling CONFUSED and intensely alone as you try to figure out this thing called love? Your married friends and family offer advice and try to set you up.

You feel yourself pulling back as soon as a guy gets close to you. Or frantic when they don’t answer your calls.

You have your list, like an order from Starbucks, extra HOT, a bit of sugar, no caffeine. Ha!  Did I just make a joke?  Seriously though, already by 27, your walls might be 2 ft thick ready to protect your heart from pain.

As difficult as it is, turn your mind and heart gently towards your own emotions. Seek some support, work through those painful experiences, and learn a new path to love.  It will clear your relationship blocks to see the person you want to connect with.

It’s an ancient truth. Falling in love makes you a little bit crazy, so keep your head in the game.

Do you enjoy talking together? Does he listen, really listen to you? Do you like listening to him? Does he irritate you? When you’ve had a rift, a break in connection, can you mend the relationship? Not bury the pain, but actually repair your tender connection.

Do you recognize the patterns you find yourself in, as Dr. Sue Johnson describes? Find the Bad Guy, Flee and Pursue, or Freeze and Flee?

And then there is Honesty. I can’t say enough about honesty. We hide a lot of our inner selves; the risk feels too big.  Yet our security builds when we speak the truth and gather our courage and invite our beloved’s truth.

You had three men in your house on a minister’s salary, how did you manage it all? I am sure there were sacrifices involved. Help me understand those sacrifices?

I honestly don’t remember the financial sacrifices. We ate well, took some trips to see family, went to Disneyland. The greater sacrifice was time together. The ministry then was nearly 24/7 and I’ve made achingly heartfelt apologies to my kids about that and the many moves we made where they left good friends behind.

A very dear friend of mine, his wife would go on a shopping binge because of her mental health. What can we say when we notice some signs that something is not OK in our family members, friends, or colleagues?

Did you ever hear or even say these words?  What’s WRONG with you!?!  Our friends, co-workers, family members, behavior can be bewildering to us. Or we think it’s just not our business.

A few years ago, we got a call from someone saying they needed a sub for a volunteer position. My husband took the call. Then immediately called me to the phone.  “Something’s wrong,” he said giving me the phone.

Within 5 minutes, I called the spouse to the phone and explained to them how to access emergency mental health care through their local hospital. “Now,” I said, “Drop what you are doing and go right NOW!” This person was diagnosed with a serious mental health condition and spent nearly a year recovering.

I long for every person, every church, every family, school, club to be trauma-informed. When you are trauma-informed you gently ask the question: What happened? Did something happen, my dear friend, sister, brother, co-worker, that you are having this behavior. Shopping, drinking, isolating, enraged. What happened?

What’s happening to you when you want to go shopping? Do you feel something in your chest, your heart, your hands, or your head?  Do you feel hot, cold, empty, jittery?  Can you recall the first time you felt like this?  It is scary to feel like this?  Whew, does that ever seem big? Can I help you to get help?

When we notice changes in patterns of behavior, think backward, and do a quick life review.

Grief and loss accumulate. I know of people who have some early childhood trauma and losses. Some disappointments early in life; didn’t get on the team, didn’t get into the college program they wanted. Then a hard-romantic breakup in their teens/20s, then get married and find out their spouse hid something from them: debt, cheated on them while dating, things like that, then they or their wife has a miscarriage, then their Mom dies and they just can’t pull life back together.

And that’s when the shopping, alcohol misuse, pornography use, gaming misuse, taking things personally and become easily hurt, emotional withdrawal or bouts of expressed anger creep up.

So, when you see something, go deeper. Seek help for the deeper needs. Behavior always, always, always makes sense. Its the normal response to abnormal circumstances.

Life happens…stress, family issues, divorce, death. Grief is not easy. I have lost two of my best friends in the last 3 years. And sometimes I prefer if someone just listens to me or says they love me. I do not want to hear pat answers. Give us some advice on how we can communicate better when someone is going through a tough time in their life?

You are asking an important and relevant question. Nearly every client I have has some wounding moments caused by well-meaning comments.

In the Grief Recovery Method® we talk about some deeper concepts that help guide our words when another is suffering.

Walk with me through this scenario:

Imagine a woman dies with 3 children and 6 grandchildren.

One family lives next door and grandma babysat the kids after school, creating a warm inviting haven for the grandchildren.

One child is estranged from the parent because of a fight when they were 20 and has not spoken to the parent for 30 years.

One went to University in Berlin, married, and has lived in Europe all their lives. Seeing their parents only from time to time.

Picture, if you will, all of these families arriving for the funeral. Oh my! How many different kinds of relationships are there? How many regrets, losses, longings, grief, unresolved, and undelivered communication are there in the room?

Imagine the grandchildren growing up with very different experiences with grandma.

As much as I wish we could, we simply CANNOT know what another person is experiencing in their loss. Your feelings, thoughts, and experience when your grandparent died belong uniquely to you.  And so, it is with your friends.

A gentle “I love you,” “I can’t imagine what this is like for you.” “I’ll wash your dishes,” will likely mean the most to the grieving person who is living in the daze of new grief.

I loved coming to your place as there was always good food. Thanks for being patient, kind, gentle, listening and being empathetic towards me. How important is it that we eat good food but also eat as a family?

Aww, thanks, Jerry.  Feeding you was our way of saying you matter and you are welcome at our table and in our lives. Listening to diverse perspectives over dinners with friends opened my mind and heart. The flow of conversation exposed my sons to the broad kaleidoscope of human experience; opening empathy & curiosity for all of us.

I’ll emphasize the gift of cooking together. Both of my sons are the main cooks in their own families. And no, my husband still doesn’t cook….SIGH..but now he does dishes – a gift of our older years.  I still get calls from the boys, “Mom… Whatcha making for dinner?” Although now I’m often asking them for recipes.

I know you are a woman of deep faith. Walk me through how you came into faith, your story, how does this faith sustain you. Also, help me understand one or two challenging things you have faced in your life and how you overcame it

This is an excerpt from a conversation I wrote between GOD and myself over a decade ago. Perhaps it will give you a window into both suffering and healing.

God to me:

“You are perfect.  I delight in you.  I have known you in your darkest hours when you thought life was not worth living.  I walked beside you that dark night.  I cried out with you when you curled inward holding in a pain so great you felt your body would explode.  I held you in my arms and rocked you to comfort you.  I hold your pain in my arms.  I added my voice to yours in the park when your grief reached the heavens.

And it did, my daughter. I heard from you. I hear from you.

I stood beside you when shattered dreams lay in brightly colored shards at your feet.  I know your hopelessness.  I felt it when my Son hung on the cross.  I watched you as you lay helpless on beds of pain and my love enfolded you with warmth.

I knew the risk I took creating man with the capacity to feel so deeply.  I only gave that gift to humanity.  Only then could you know love – the bounty, the gift.”

Me to God:

“I see the path – the red thread throughout my life.  I’d left so many things outside your grace as though my decisions could move me away from you.  It’s not done until my death and I’m alive.

I had to hit unscalable walls in order to know it wasn’t my work that saved me. I had to face utter despair in order to see hope, grief to know peace, sin to see salvation pure and true.”

I am a big believer in peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion but you have to practice forgiveness and gratitude to move forward. What are your thoughts on this?

I stand on the shoulders of giants in this field. Forgiveness, I find, is an exquisitely intentional action that is completed once with forethought and determination, then repeated every time the offense comes to mind. Forgiveness is an act of my will and decision bathed in the grace given to me, to set myself free from the prison of hatred and pain.

Faith or no faith…life happens. Too many Christians buy into the prosperity gospel even though they do not say it openly. They want the perfect house, the perfect spouse, the perfect life. They forget suffering. We need to embrace it. agree or disagree

Where did we EVER get the idea that having faith meant avoiding suffering?

We want to be happy all the time and then there is joy. We can be joyful in every circumstance. Please talk about this and also how does social media impact us?

I recently taught a class about helping children with a loss to staff and administrators at a private K-12 school. As I discussed the needs of the children before the session, one staff member shared a frequent topic in the staff room. Is perhaps the greatest detriment to happiness the expectation of constant happiness?

If when the challenges of life happen, we have no place/no space for our pain and sorrow to go then who do we talk to?  Who understands?

On the other hand, when mourning is welcomed, modeled, normalized, and held with tender care, children learn they can ride the wave of suffering and come out the other side. YES, it will come again and again. And YES, they will be turned upside down by the current, but they will not be swept out to sea.  That is what we need to teach our children.

Joy comes with perspective. Joy walks softly in awareness of the journey we all must walk.  Joy comes in quietness. Joy in generated from the inside out.

Photo Credit: Jina Hong

The post Sara Felushko: Registered Professional Counsellor (CANADA) appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

This post is deeply personal and painful. It’s about loss, memory, guilt, and ultimately—healing. It’s about a friend I lost too soon, a time in my life when the world was full of possibilities, and how a single phone call decades later helped release me from years of unanswered questions and silent torment.

Suicide is not just an ending—it leaves ripples that never quite settle. As Phil Donahue once said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” But for those left behind, the problem becomes permanent too.

This is not a lecture. It’s a journey. A story of friendship, regret, rediscovery, and letting go. It’s for anyone who’s ever wondered “what if,” or carried the weight of a loss they couldn’t explain. It’s for those who feel alone in their struggles—and a reminder that healing often begins when we face the demons we’ve spent years trying to avoid.

You’ll seldom experience regret for anything that you’ve done. It is what you haven’t done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you’ve lost them forever – Wayne Dyer

There is often in people to whom ‘the worst’ has happened almost transcendent freedom, for they have faced ‘the worst’ and survived it -Carol Pearson

Skeletons in the closet

We all have skeletons in the closet. Those things we hide from everyone. We do not want anyone to know about it. It is in the attic. The best locks protect it.

Disappointments

Disappointments have a major effect on us. The tall, dark, handsome husband walked out on you. The model, who was so lithe and lissome left you for another man. The high school quarterback who was so romantic, now after two decades of marriage is a fat slob. The career is going nowhere. The business deal fell through. Married but cannot have kids. The list goes on.

Have you ever had a demon? A chimera so huge that even an army could not slay.

I was living the dream life. I was barely a teenager and in my first-year university in Switzerland. I had finished my stage (co-op placement, internship) at Hotel De la Paix in Geneva and with all the tips, I was loaded.

I always wanted to backpack Europe.

I had three free weeks before the second year and I flew first class to London.

I registered at the youth hostel and hit the London Tube. On my very first day after the second stop, I get a tap on the shoulder. I look back and it is S. Sidha. ‘Hey Jerry, do you remember me, from BCS’.

You see in boarding school I remembered juniors by three criteria:

Those that had cute sister’s at Auckland, Convent of Jesus and Mary, St Bede’s or somewhere else

Those that were foreigners like me at school

The Christians as there were only 5 of us

Sidha with his crispy English accent came under the second category.

‘Of course dude, I remember.’

After a small chat, he told me that my best friend Ajoy Hakim had committed suicide.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Hold on a second.

I met Ajoy in grade 11. Why did we become such good friends? Maybe we were outsiders. He was the teacher’s son. It could be we were both “Christians”. Perhaps we loved books, art, and the theatre.  Maybe I looked at him through different lenses. There were many times, I would question my own presence at BCS.

I remember us going up the mountains. We would light up a Dunhill. We talked about Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. We were idealists. We would be graduating soon. We were on the cusp of greatness. Freedom at last.

After doing our grade 12 exams, we backpacked India for a month. Nothing prepares you for the Taj Mahal. You study about it. It is deep in your psyche. You transcend into another world. I was only 17 then.

We went to Lucknow. His aunt was the principal of a boarding school. Did I mention a girl’s boarding school?  It was my first exposure to real Mughlai cuisine.

After our short sojourn, it was time to say goodbye. We knew it would be a while before we would see each other. Both of us knew that we would be fighting the establishment that believes in becoming doctors, lawyers, and engineers. Little did I know, that it would be the last time I would see Ajoy.

Early in life, we follow it mapped out by ego, a path of ambition, competition, striving, and achievement. At mid-life, we question the direction we are heading. We yearn to find our true calling. And you have to be willing to meet the demon.

The very thought of going back to visit school brought a shudder up my spine. Did I really want to deal with seeing all the places? Was it worth the trip?

We were the first batch of grade 12. However, we were orphans. No trace of us existed.

I was the president of the Old Cottonian Association in Canada. I did not want to return to school.

As we entered the Facebook world it all changed. I spoke to Arun Sawhney and got the ball rolling. He told me he never went back to school for ten years. He was escaping. Nevertheless, in life, you have to face your demons. You have to be that David and cut the head of Goliath. Look at the positive and focus on that.

Asheesh Santram’s email was the deal maker. He talked about renewing our bonds.

I called him.  He was Ajoy’s cousin. He gave me the breakdown of what had happened. I felt like he was the psychotherapist. One by one, he was breaking down the tendons and letting the blood flow. The blood brings rich nutrients that result in healing. I am not sure why I waited that long to make the call. He provided me with Anup Hakim’s cell number.

Anup was Ajoy’s older brother. He was teaching at school. I called him. This was the catharsis. Anup did not recognize me at first. However, he got it. He called me the boy who was always with Ajoy. We talked about how he had directed both the plays for Lefroy House.

We laughed about many issues. I finally asked him about his parents. He explained to me the whole story. He was not sure whether to take his parents’ accident a positive or negative. Would he have abandoned them when they became old and fragile?

I finally asked him about Ajoy. I told him this issue had bogged me for a quarter of a century. I was trying to track him down all along. It was refreshing to talk to Anup. He was the surgeon who had taken the thorn from my flesh.

I finally let it go. I was free from the bondage of guilt. I had felt like Hercules carrying this weight. It felt light.

Only ten of us graduated from grade 12. After seven years, three had died. In my grade 11 picture, I am standing between the other three.

I have stopped asking why. I deal with what now.

In life, we go through experiences to keep us humble. Hubris is a cousin of success.

The oven bakes you to add flavor. To become a butterfly the larvae have to break through the cocoon. We have to go through storms. It helps us appreciate things better.

I was looking at BCS through myopic eyes. One cannot let one incident mar your view. I cannot paint the whole canvas with one stroke. I was looking at the glass half empty.

I forgot to mention that I met one of my closest friends Ash Virk. Anup Bhalaik was one of the nicest persons I have ever come across.

Life is an art as much as a science. It is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes in our youth, the cabal judges us by that sprint.

BCS was an experience that embedded our names and lives into history. We are concatenated. I look forward to the renewing of bonds and reawaken the good that came from school.

The post How to Deal With a Friends Suicide appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.