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The instinctive and logical stages of grief are a natural response to loss.

On a cold, frigid Monday in February 2018, I got a call from a close university friend asking me to have lunch with him. We decided to have lunch on Thursday. He died that same day. The most difficult day of my life was being at his funeral.

In 2016, my best and closest friend in the business world died of Cancer. In 2017, a high school friend died of a heart attack.

The instinctive and logical stages of grief took over me. I experienced a deep loss.

The definition of grief is the instinctive and normal physical, spiritual, social, intellectual, and emotional reaction to loss. I was crying, could not focus, felt tight in my throat, lacked an appetite, and became angry with my friend.

Freud was the trailblazer in researching the instinctive and logical stages of grief. I experience the five stages of loss as per Kubler-Ross. I was shocked, angry, bargained for the reason it happened, became sad, and took me a while to accept it. I had to learn from this experience.

John Bowlby posited the Attachment Theory, whereby humans develop relationships and bonds. Humans experience grief which is a natural, instinctive, and natural reaction to loss. It is critical to accept your natural response. You have to balance it or if you suppress it, it could result in anxiety, irritation, anger, resentment, bitterness, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I had to take the approach of William Worden. The best way to deal with grief is to accept it. I had to work through the pain. I had to accept the new reality and deal with the loss.

When you are in a dark hole, the easiest route is to numb the pain with drugs, food, work, and alcohol. It might work in the short term but is detrimental in the long run. If you do not deal with the instinctive and logical stages of grief, you will never come out of the dark hole.

Four Columns believes in being empowered and dealing with the instinctive and logical stages of grief. I strongly suggest that you give yourself time, it is a process, talk to friends and family, practice self-care, take part in activities that give you joy and pleasure, join a support group and finally get professional help.

Thomas Nolte is a Grief Recovery Specialist, driving all over North America, helping people deal with the instinctive and logical stages of grief. Thomas is real, and vulnerable and shares his own journey about grief.

Help me understand what grief is.

Thank you for asking, Jerry. Since, generally speaking, we mostly avoid the subject of grief and loss or consider it only in connection with losing a loved one, grief is often experienced, yet remains unrecognized. We experience grief and loss daily. Therefore,  it is so helpful to know that that’s what is happening and how we can deal with grief. Let me share some definitions that make this clear. First off, grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind and is experienced in conflicting emotions that can be tough to deal with. The definition that works best for me is this one: every time I want something different, better, or more, I experience grief. This results in a sense of feeling “incomplete”, of having unfinished business, regrets, feeling depressed, bitter, or stressed. Once we know this and recognize grief in us and others, we no longer need to react with anger, fear or depression, nor want to fix something or someone, but will feel compassion and a sense of acceptance, and the event that causes grief does not need to disable us or define our choices or affect how we feel.

Walk me through your role as a grief recovery specialist.

As a grief recovery specialist, I teach about grief and loss and guide grievers to understand what it is, what myths surround grief, and how we act out trying to deal with it, and I educate others on how to live with grief in such a way that it does not burden us nor impact our relationships and our future negatively.

This is practically achieved by learning about and practicing a series of practical steps, identifying the losses in our lives, evaluating each relationship and learning to forgive where needed, accept responsibility for our own shortcomings and apologize where needed, and say “goodbye” to the pain in written form.

I also speak at events to help participants to identify grief and learn how to respond, how to listen and what not to do or say, and not to fear the subject but become a “heart with ears”, willing to listen and share the moment with someone who is grieving.

Grief is something we learn to live with, not something we overcome. Am I right here?

You are right, Jerry. Grief is always experienced in a relationship, and yes, we don’t get “over” grief, forget what happened or what someone did or didn’t do, condone the hurt someone caused, nor have to go through “stages of grief” as often assumed incorrectly. We need to learn to say “goodbye” to the pain, not the relationship. We all grieve at times and that’s okay, normal, and healthy. With proper understanding and practice, we learn to identify grief, explore the conflicting feelings we have and “complete” what was left incomplete due to the loss event. After we process our losses in this way, we can live with them in a way that they do not impact future choices, nor do we have to carry our pain into the future.

Talk to me about people who never deal with their grief. What are some of the repercussions?

Not dealing with grief is like carrying a heavy load of rocks (I like to call them “rocks of grief”) in an imaginary backpack that weighs us down and gets heavier over time, limiting our ability to love God, love others, and ourselves. It can lead to outbursts of anger, living in fear of future losses and disappointments, and can make us bitter, rather than better. We end up building a wall around our hearts in fear of getting hurt again and can block out many blessings in life that God has in store for us. This will negatively impact all our relationships and our self-image.

Tell my audience about your own grieving process, and how you deal with grief.   

I used to believe that I had to just deal with whatever loss or grief came my way, find a way through it, trust, pray and believe in a positive outcome. Or try to figure out what stage of grief I am in and how to get over it, often feeling at a loss and burdened even more with my failing efforts. I ended up often believing that I am just stressed and needed rest or a change, and as a result, I moved somewhere or started a new career, etc. Now I pause, listen and take the time to identify and validate what I feel. Accepting that what I feel is okay and important wasn’t always easy for me, nor encouraged by others, as emotions seem to get in the way of performing well or pleasing others. Now I allow the emotions I feel, recognize that what I feel is normal, that grief is normal and that rather than considering what is right or wrong, I now look for what I want different, better, or more. In this way my heart stays calm, I feel understood, and I have friends and family who will listen and accept me where I am, helping me sort out my emotions so that I can accept the conflicting emotions as normal until I work through them. The practical steps of dealing with grief and loss offered by the Grief Recovery Method work amazingly well, resulting in saying ‘goodbye” to the pain in a relationship, not the relationship itself.

You have had varied careers. Why become a grief recovery specialist?

God led me to this field after having to retire early due to severe medical issues. Having adopted 2 children and being offered training by a friend to help children grieve, I learned about the documented success of the “Grief Recovery Method” and experienced how well it works in our own family. I decided to become certified as a Specialist so I can share what I learned and experienced, and it has been very rewarding.

Thomas, does your own life experience help you to guide others through the grieving process?

Absolutely, Jerry. Though we can never really know what someone else feels or is going through, it helps to know grief firsthand and how to deal with it before helping others. At the age of 21 I started having difficulties walking, and at 28 had to give up my dream career of being a fighter pilot. Later my wife and I were unable to have children and went through years of pain and loss in her trying to get pregnant. We moved many times including from the US to Germany, Germany to Canada as well as many times in between, having to start over many times, even in new cultures. I lost both my parents recently, our beloved dog, and still experienced chronic pain and disabilities, despite being blessed to travel and share what I have learned.

Every human being experiences loss at some point in their life. I am a big believer in dealing with it but also learning, growing, and helping other people through that loss. Is this the correct approach?

Yes. I agree. Sharing with others what we learn, and experience can be very rewarding and also help us to grow in our understanding. I often suggest buying the “Grief Recovery Handbook” and start reading it. It is eye-opening and a great conversation starter and explains and guides through the practical steps to deal with grief and loss.

How do you take care of yourself after dealing with a tough situation?

I now allow myself to experience it, find someone safe to share what I am feeling, and process grief in a helpful way, having grace and compassion for myself. I can be the perpetual “fixer”. Knowing there is nothing to be “fixed” helps me relax and stay in the moment. I enjoy the outdoors, time to pray and read, time to exercise, and love deep conversations and heartfelt relationships where I can be open about my life, struggles, and fears and where I can listen to others share.

The post The Instinctive and Logical Stages of Grief appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Emotional wounds are not the same as physical wounds.

My body is scarred with physical wounds. I played squash for 15 years. Every muscle, ligament, and bone was torn or sprained at some point. The family doctor and the physiotherapist told me to give it up and focus on swimming and walking. I have cuts, bruises, and gashes all over my body from years of being a boxer, playing soccer, and playing pranks. All the physical wounds have healed.

Emotional wounds, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Emotional wounds can result from watching a crime, bankruptcy, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, car accident, emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical abuse, death of a loved one, or any traumatic situation.  The symptoms are a change in personality, lack of joy, lack of interest in life, loneliness, anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and anxiety.

You have to become intentional in healing these wounds by assessing them, cleaning them, stitching them, bandaging them and taking care of them, and being aware of trigger points.

I am super excited to present Lesa Henderson to my readers.

Lesa Henderson is a dynamic, candid, inspirational speaker, minister, author, and filmmaker.

Her transparency and straightforward approach coupled with prophetic insight place her in great demand for conferences and churches.

Her passion for Christ and desire to see wounded women restored and healed through the power and love of God comes across in her books, blogs, sermons, and teaching. It has also led her to minister healing for soul wounds & emotional trauma of women in prison, as well as to lead Women Warriors of God Conferences around the nation; where she and the Warrior’s team are seeing countless women set free both physically and emotionally.

Lesa and her husband, Ken are revivalists who pastor Salt Life Church on Merritt Island, FL, where they also lead Cornerstone Global Ministries & Media and are the founders of Cornerstone School of Supernatural Ministry.

Lesa, a pleasure to have you. There is so much I want to ask you. Let’s start by talking about Christmas. I am a big fan of focusing on His Presence rather than presents. How is Christmas relevant to us in the 21st Century? 

I’m a big fan of focusing on that as well.  We live in such a commercialized, material world that it’s easy to lose that focus and get caught up in the shopping, spending madness.  This year we are celebrating Hannukah as well as Christmas, each night we light a candle we focus on inviting Christ – the light of the world to be a light in our home and lives.   Whatever you celebrate, it’s relevant when you make the focus be on Christ.  Especially now in this economy and the times we are living in.  It’s actually more relevant than ever I believe as we approach His soon return.

The world is hurting. COVID 19 has exacerbated the situation. You talk about giving your hurts, pains, and brokenness to God. Walk me through this process? Should I just read my Bible, trust God and pray about it? 

Yes.  It is that simple.  And yet as simple as this is – we struggle doing it.  Or at least I do.  It’s much easier for me to worry, fret and lose sleep over the hurts and pains.   But God really does want us to bring them to Him.  And reading the Word is one of the key steps in the process for me.  It reminds me of the truth – His Word is truth.  It helps me to overcome the fear and lies I am believing.  It reminds me of His faithfulness.  In my prayer time, I’m very honest with God – He knows anyway, so for example I may say, “Father I’m feeling right now like you don’t hear me or care about ________,  but I know that’s not true.  Your word says ______, Help me to stand on that and trust you.  Help my unbelief and rest in your promise and faithfulness.”  I may have to do this repetitively until I find peace or the problem is solved.

As I get older, I am learning to embrace pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is hard but important. As I read your blog and book, listen to your sermons and teaching, your DNA is all about helping wounded women through the love of God. Where do the wounds come from and how does His love restore women?

Wounds come from many areas, childhood traumas, broken relationships, marriage, even church.  But what I’ve found through ministering to thousands of women is that almost all wounds begin in our childhood.  The enemy starts early with his attack on us and he knows if he can plant lies in our mind about who we are (our identity) or about what we believe about our heavenly father we will carry those lies with us into relationships and they will hinder our walk with God.  But the Love of God is so powerful.  When we have a full revelation of the Father’s love for us, of how much He really is a good, good father it changes us.  It heals us.  I do a teaching on how daddy wounds from our childhood affect our relationship with God and the ability to believe how deeply He loves us and accept that love.

Give my female audience practical tips on motherhood and being a wife?

First, know or learn your worth as a daughter of the king. This will translate to how you treat your children and husband and how you expect to be treated.  Keep your relationship with God first, your husband next, and then your children.  Give yourself grace. You’re not perfect and you’re not going to be. When you make mistakes with your children ( and you will) admit it to them and ask their forgiveness.  This will not make you look small in their eyes – the contrary is true.  Honor your husband.  Honor and respect are very important to men.  Don’t take yourself so seriously.  Time spent with your husband and kids is far more important than the things you buy them or how clean your house is. I could go on and on…not from a seat of expertise but from one of failures and wisdom gained.

My daughter will be turning 18 very soon. She comes to you for dating advice. Help me understand what you will tell her and why? And please include dating advice for women in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

I would tell your daughter something I said earlier, “Know or discover your worth as a daughter of the King.  Don’t date anyone who doesn’t also see that and treat you accordingly.”  Don’t go looking for a date but let God bring Him to you.   And here’s something I recommend to all women dating – get inner healing (healing for soul wounds or childhood trauma).  This will help you make better decisions on who to date and will help prevent you from dating or marrying the same mistake in different skin over and over again.  Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

You were the producer, executive producer, and director of Hope Has A Name. What is it about? Why should we watch it? And please give my audience hope for 2022?

Hope Has A Name is an award-winning documentary about women around the world bringing extraordinary hope in unlikely places.  They are hidden heroes, not doing what they do not for a platform or platitudes but simply to bring hope to the hopeless through the love of God.  There are some pretty amazing women including Heidi Baker featured in the film.  And we are honored to have the endorsement of Lisa Bevere. Watch it and it will encourage you to stop making excuses and do something! It’s available on Amazon Prime and Tubi and many other outlets.

The Hope for 2022 is Jesus.  His name is the hope of the nations.  Jesus Is King.  He is still on the throne and heaven has not been taken over by Hell.  Our trust and confidence must remain in Him.  No matter what is yet to come, He will take us through. He is a sure foundation.

Help me understand the premise of your book Someone To Trust. Is there really such a thing as romance? Or it was created in the liberal halls of Hollywood with unrealistic expectations?

Someone To Trust is a Christian Contemporary romance based around finding love and forgiveness after betrayal.  The Heroine, Megan has been betrayed twice in her life, by the men she loved.  She has been presented the opportunity to love again, but she first has to get past her mistrust of men, find forgiveness for them and herself.  And,  most importantly accept the love and grace of her Heavenly father offers.  Someone To Trust is now available both in print and Kindle Unlimited.

I want to ask you about how do you balance being an author, filmmaker, wife, mother, speaking at conferences, and taking care of the women in your congregation?

Hah!  Good question,  when I figure that out, I’ll get back to you.  Just kidding, sort of.  It’s often a juggling event and I often end up dropping the ball.  I have to really pray and seek guidance as to what my focus needs to be on the most in the season.  It is also about stopping for the one.  The one in front of you, I try to practice that.  This enables me to help the women in my congregation who are needing my attention.   Two things that help me balance is keeping my relationship and personal time with God a priority!  If that is comprised, everything else is and I’m a mess.  The second is keeping my family a priority above all the other endeavors.  His grace is truly sufficient and I find His strength really is made perfect in my weakness.

The post Healing Emotional Wounds appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

We all need healing.

Every human being you come across is hurting. We all have to face trauma, loneliness, abandonment, grief, loss, divorce, death, sadness, struggles, and the challenges of life. As a result, we all have stuff hidden in the closet. Those who deal with it come out ahead and experience healing. Those who keep it inside to fester and rot. The results are not very good.

Four Columns has spoken to Hannah Siller, Sara Felushko, Brenda, Valerie Fitzpatrick, Tara Lalonde, and various other professionals who talk about dealing with issues that afflict our lives.

We focus so much on our physical, spiritual, and financial health. However, we ignore our mental health. Thrive, empower yourself, and get help.

I talk to Mary Beth, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who talks about the ‘not good enough’ stuff in our lives that we stuff and never deal with it.

Mary Beth, a privilege to have a Licensed Professional Counselor at Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

Thank you for this opportunity! As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have also done my own work in therapy. It’s incredibly important for ALL therapists to have gone to therapy and worked on their own struggles because we ALL have them. For me, I struggled for years with depression, anxiety, and a lot of trauma I never dealt with from childhood. I thought that I would never be able to heal. 

Fortunately, I was in a life-threatening car wreck that gave me a “real” reason, in the eyes of society and mine at the time, to go to therapy. I used the word “fortunately” because if not for my wreck, I probably wouldn’t have begun my own healing journey in therapy. 

It forced me to look at all of my “stuff” that caused such pain throughout my entire life. I then learned that it was actually possible to heal, have a peaceful life and love myself. After that, I decided to go to graduate school while I was physically unable to work. My healing showed me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and that is to help others on their healing journeys. 

I have heard about hiding stuff in the closet. I like your phrase about not good enough stuff. Tell me a little more? 

As I begin my own healing journey, I realized that a lot of my emotional struggles were a result of never feeling good enough. As a psychotherapist, I began noticing the root of almost every client’s emotional pain came from that same “not good enough” feeling. 

One day I was in a session with a client and the words, “you’re not good enough stuff” just fell out of my mouth. My client knew exactly what I was referring to. Now, I use that phrase with every client I work with and they immediately know what I am referring to. 

To get a visual of what I mean with Not Good Enough Stuff, imagine a character opposite of Santa Claus. That character dumped a bag of all your fears, negative thoughts, sadness, shame, and repressed feelings down a chimney that then becomes forever attached to you. That bag is your Not Good Enough Stuff. We all have Not Good Enough Stuff and we can all learn how to heal it. That’s why my blog is called Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Many of us carry hurts, scars, bruises, anger, resentment, and bitterness for years and never deal with it. Help me understand what that does to you when you do not deal with it vs dealing with it? 

Yes, we sure do! When we don’t deal with any of that in a healthy way, our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff gets bigger and bigger. That spills over into every single aspect of our lives, resulting in depression, anxiety, difficulties in relationships, self-esteem and so much more.

It leaves us feeling like we are so screwed up or broken, but nobody is EVER broken. We simply get lost from our true soul identities and decided our emotional pain was our identity, but that is NEVER the case. Looking at that hurt allows us to return to who we truly are, removed from our bad experiences. 

Why do we humans struggle so much with ‘am I good enough’. Is it the media? Is it social media? Why are we so insecure? 

Ah! I love this question. One of the topics I often write about is this very question. Also, I love doing motivational speaking on this topic.

Not Good Enough Stuff comes from just about every aspect of our lives. For many people, it begins with our parents or caregivers. 

Our parents and caregivers have their own Not Good Enough Stuff. If they don’t work to heal that, they unknowingly and often subconsciously put all of that on their children. That’s why we have so much generational trauma because nobody before us did any healing. So, we are actually carrying trauma and Not Good Enough Stuff from every generation that precedes us. Whew! That can be scary and sad to think about. 

Jerry, you’re also correct in thinking that social media now plays a part in our Not Good Enough Stuff. We get lost in comparing ourselves to the perfect “sliver” of lives we see others posting. Also, society, culture, and religion often play a big part in adding to our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Society, culture, and religion seem to have strayed from their roots of love and acceptance for many people. That results in us believing we are not good enough for society, culture, and religion. We are presented with an unattainable image of who we are “supposed” to be in life. That causes Not Good Enough Stuff. I have a blog post about this topic.

There is a constant battle between good and evil for our soul. I am fascinated by your take on it. Walk me through it? 

I think every little, tiny, baby soul brought into this world is beautiful and good. So, then how do we end up with so many “evil” people? Those precious baby souls get piles of Not Good Enough Stuff dumped on them that eventually grow so large that they see no way of healing to get out of it. Those unhealed piles lead them to thrust their Not Good Enough Stuff on the world in hopes of making themselves feel good., even if that is done by hurting others.

Let’s take a look at Hitler. Everybody in the world will agree that he was evil. I’m not arguing with that. However, if you look at Hitler’s childhood you will see how his severe trauma created a pile of Not Good Enough Stuff so large that he was desperate to feel the power and get the attention that severely lacked for him. Very few people are ever taught how to get healthy attention. We can include Hitler in that group. 

Hitler found a way to get a tremendous amount of attention in one of history’s most notoriously negative and evil ways. His enormous pile of Not Good Enough Stuff was thrust upon Jewish people in order to make him feel powerful. 

Please understand that I am not dismissing the insane amount of pain he inflicted upon so many. I am just giving you an extreme example of how I believe Not Good Enough Stuff can create more evil than we could ever imagine. I’m not forgiving Hitler by any means. However, I do have sadness for the little baby soul of Hitler that existed before it turned into one of the biggest evil souls the world has ever seen. 

I love peace and joy. Talk to me about how we can achieve it? 

Yes, peace and joy. Those two words, in addition to self-love, are lacking for so many people. I know that I lacked all of that for the majority of my life. Attaining those seemed impossible until I began my own healing work. As cheesy and cliché as it may seem, self-love is the only way to achieve true peace and joy. 

For me, the way I achieved peace and joy and the way my clients learn to do so, is accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like and probably beat yourself up over. An example of this is how I used to be so ashamed of my temper and anger outbursts. 

Now, when it was extreme I didn’t consciously have shame because I thought people deserved what I dumped on them. After sludging through my healing journey, I realized that nobody, including myself, deserved the wrath of my anger. 

I began exploring that there might be a positive side to my temper and anger outbursts. Passion! I realized that my temper had benefited me in some ways because it showed me what I was passionate about in life. 

For example, when somebody treated me or somebody else poorly, I lashed out in very grand and unhealthy ways. Eventually, I was able to see that my anger was simply my passion. Everybody deserves to be treated well, but that didn’t happen in my childhood as it should have. So, I thought I had to fight for myself and others to get it. 

Stepping back from that anger, I realized that my passion protected me when I didn’t know-how. So, I have gratitude for that misguided passion. Now, I can love and accept that “temper’ that can flare up instead of being ashamed of it. Also, I can let go of the hatred I had for it because it was important in my growth and healing journey. 

I am a big believer in practicing patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness. Do we have anything in common? 

We sure do! I could write a book on each one of those you mentioned, but I’ll try to be much briefer than a book. Also, I am available for motivational speaking on this topic.

I think the reason so many people struggle with each of those is that it was probably absent from their lives when they needed it. We all deserve to receive all of those you mentioned, but it is so hard to do when you are sitting in the midst of your Not Good Enough Stuff. 

I want to make sure I mention the most important part of those qualities AND the hardest, which is having those important qualities towards ourselves. When I work with my clients we start this kind of work by exploring and healing the inner child.

I am currently working on blog posts about how to do that. So, if anybody is interested in learning how to heal his/her inner child, they can subscribe to my blog to get those posts emailed to them when they are published. 

I’d be lying if I said that I’m always able to offer those qualities to others. There are certainly times where my temper flares and those beautiful qualities I worked so hard to have, go flying out the window. 

After I process what happened, I can then look back and see that the true soul of the person who hurt me is lacking patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness for themselves. They have their Not Good Enough Stuff they haven’t healed AND they deserve to heal, even if they hurt me.

To come and see you, we have to accept we are broken and need healing. It is a process. Some of these are deep. Tell me more? 

I don’t ever use the word “broken” because most people’s pain stems from childhood. However, my clients usually begin their first session telling me they are broken. Once we began looking at their pain and see that it began in childhood, I ask them if they would tell a little child that he or she was broken. Of course, they answer with a big, fat “no.” 

So, then I explain that their pain is from their inner child who needed love but was never broken. Keep in mind that most people struggle with acknowledging that their pain came from childhood. I hear clients all the time say they had a “good childhood.” 

Emotional trauma looks much different to a child than it does to an adult. For adults, trauma is a violent experience, loss, and other “major” life-changing events. For a child who doesn’t yet have adult brain development, something that seems as simple as being called, “lazy” or “clumsy” several times can have the same impact as a “major” life-changing event that an adult experiences. 

I find women are more relational. They get together, they talk about their issues. Men do not and become an island.  I personally find women do a lot better after the age of 45 than men?

I think you are correct for the most part. However, when women get together to “vent” to their friends, there is often so much that they hide even from their best friends because of shame and fear of not being understood. 

That is the same reason that men become an island. Society and most cultures teach men that they are supposed to be “strong.” So, any semblance of portraying weakness is so incredibly scary.

I love working with men as a psychotherapist. I help guide them through the exploration of vulnerability to see it as a strength. I have had a men’s therapy group that was so incredibly healing for the group members. To have a group of men share their fears, pain and struggles are one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

So, for the men out there, I challenge you to see that therapy and vulnerability are huge signs of strength because those are so hard to do. It goes against what you were taught. If therapy and vulnerability were so easy, every man and woman would do it. 

I cannot love my wife, daughter, son, my parents, or my friends if I do not learn to love myself and accept myself. Comment?

That is so true! The hard part about doing that is that most of us were never taught how to love ourselves. The reason for that is that we have all the generations preceding us who know nothing about self-love. 

If you’ve never seen something or had anybody model what that something would look like, it is a huge and long struggle to learn it. So, I say to anyone wanting to learn self-love, know that the road is long and hard. However, for me and my clients, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever achieve in life because then you will be able to fully love those who get the privilege of being in your life!

The post Healing Approach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank.  Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses,  our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be.  This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment.   The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries.  Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker.  My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ.  With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?  

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes,  the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature.  Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear.  How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be.  How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience.  Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings.  The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?    

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices.  Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?    

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success.  Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us.  As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is psychotherapy?

Talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, is used to help people deal with challenges in life, emotional difficulties, and mental illness. Psychotherapy helps a person to make their life better through introspection and healing.

If we start being honest about our pain, our anger, and our shortcomings instead of pretending they don’t exist, then maybe we’ll leave the world a better place than we found it. – Russell Wilson

Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road. – Unknown

Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. – Fred Rogers

The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about. – Unknown

Introduction

I got the most horrifying text of my life. A very close friend of mine, since college, passed away on Tuesday, early morning.

It is not possible. We just spoke on Monday morning. We were going to have lunch on Thursday. I was teasing him about being the king of Facebook. Also, since his dad was 90, I told him that he would probably outlive all of us and therefore attend my funeral.

After that, on a cold day in March, here I was at the funeral home facing his cold, lifeless body. In addition, a thousand memories since we were teenagers kept flashing across my mind.

The same year in April, a young gentleman drove a van across a street where I had lived for more than a decade, killing 10 people and injuring 16.

Similarly, in July as I was heading to the Danforth for a meeting, another male shot and killed 2 people and injured 13 at a nearby restaurant.

Three incidents in less than six months hit home. Why? Could any of the above situations be avoided?

Life happens

My close friend had issues from a young age. It tormented him. Over the years, I begged him, pleaded with him to get help. In 2015, he lost his job and disappeared. I finally got hold of him six months later and he was putting up a front. In 2017, I took him out for lunch for his birthday. Little did I realize that would be the last time I would be seeing him. We spoke throughout the summer, about his marriage, his parenting and how he felt about living in the basement of his parents’ home.

Above all, unemployed, separated from his wife, alone, lonely, feeling rejected, drugs and booze became his best friends. What stopped him from getting help? Did he not realize the hurt he was causing those close to him and especially his kids?  How come he did not know his limits and boundaries? Why did he not seek psychotherapy?

What is masculinity?

As I think about my friend and the other two men, involved in the killings, I am forced to ask myself, why do men not get help? Is it a sign of weakness? Is it considered macho to just suck up and deal with your issues through drugs, porn and substance abuse? Is this masculinity?

Or is masculinity dealing with our issues head-on, accepting responsibility for where you are in life, being grateful, forgiving and getting help?

I wish the three men would have got help. They could have avoided so much pain for themselves and those around them.

Advantages of getting help

When you go to see a psychotherapist, you get feedback on what you are going through from an objective perspective. Here is a trained third-party individual who listens, gives you feedback on what you are going through.

The second advantage is that you get to deal with your negative past. The therapist might ask you to write down your hurts, resentments, bitterness issues, challenges or just he/she will listen.

The third advantage is that it allows you to get in touch with reality. When you are doing drugs, booze, porn, and sleeping around, these are helping you to escape reality.

The fourth advantage is that you end up in better mental and physical health.

The fifth advantage is that it allows you to get to the root cause of your problems. The therapist gives you healthy coping mechanisms.

The final advantage is that you learn to take it easy on yourself and finally no one is judging you at the clinic. They are all encouraged that you have the courage and guts to deal with your issues.

I challenge you that if you are facing issues no matter what go ahead and get professional help.

The post Get Help: See A Psychotherapist appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Over the last eight months, as I take care of Debbie as she battles cancer, I get a lot of compliments. Oh, Jerry, you are so patient, kind, gentle, compassionate, such a great father, we only wish more men were……..

I smile because most of these people who make these comments never knew me as a teenager.

For the first 12 years of my life, I drove my two female cousins crazy. I was sent off to boarding school. At St. Andrews, in grade 8, I and a friend of mine went into the girls’ dormitory and lit a whole bunch of crackers. The principal could have barred me but she did not. Every morning she would play badminton with me and my friend.

In grade 9, this same friend and I broke into the kitchen late at night for food. My friend turned the whole cauldron of soup. The principal had every reason to disbar us. She made us assistant prefects for a whole dorm. One late evening while all the boys were asleep,  I tied the pajamas of all the boys together and my friend was flicking the lights. I am sure parents complained to the principal, but she never gave up on us.

In grade 10, the frogs were brought for us to dissect on Monday. On Sunday we broke into the lab and I started grilling the frogs over the bunsen burner. This SAME friend decided to mix pure silver with hydrochloric acid. Next thing I know the whole lab is on fire. My mom got a big bill.

There are countless other things we did. The principal never gave up on us.

Today as my dear friend who trades metals, another prefect who lives in New York and import clothes and another prefect who is in San Fran, we talk and laugh on Whatsapp. We made it this far because the principal never gave up on us.

I met Sara in the youth group as a private school brat, spoiled, opinionated, hubris, and super righteous. Sara always laughed, listened and just loved me unconditionally. I honestly believe that I made it through all those insecurities because of her just being there for me.

Sara is the third person in my Women of Wisdom series. Women of Wisdom have been around since the beginning of time. If you look at Jewish culture Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Leah, Miriam, Deborah, and Esther come to mind.

None of the women in my Women of Wisdom series are perfect. They have been chosen because they have been at the top of the mountain and at the bottom. They have been deep in the tunnel and have come out on the other side. They have scars.

Here is my call to action. Read this interview a couple of times. Think of a bete noire or an outlier you know. They are wired differently like me. Reach out and love them unconditionally.  Has someone made a difference in your life? Reach out to them and thank them. How about has someone hurt you or just disappointed you? Forgive them. You will feel empowered and free.

Sara, welcome to my Women of Wisdom series. NO PRESSURE.  Please introduce yourself to my global audience?

Hello Jerry.  It’s lovely to chat with you. And I’m certainly honored to be asked to this Women of Wisdom series.  I’m guessing your readers are looking for information and a perspective they cannot get by googling these topics, but rather lived experience.

Who am I?  I’m introspective, a thinker, a problem solver in a quiet way. I’m driven by a deep desire to understand humanity. I deeply believe there are no throw-away people.  Everybody matters, everyone counts: whether they can contribute to society in a given moment or not.

I often see people as buried treasure, the latch to the chest locked by shame, grief, trauma. I walk beside them until they are empowered to open the chest, work through the debilitating fear, and live the lives they long for.

When I was introduced to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and the concept of nonviolence, I felt I’d come home. Mutuality? YES, power alongside instead of power over? YES!

I had my fabulous 65^th birthday last year.  I was born the 3^rd of 7 in a small farming community in the Midwest USA.  2 weeks after my 7^th birthday my mom died of a brain tumor leaving 4 bewildered children and a heartbroken husband with a farm to run.

After 35 years as a minister’s wife and on the staff of churches from 30 – 1500 members, I now co-own In It 4 Life Counselling and Education. I am in private practice with both online and in-person clients. I’m a Registered Professional Counsellor RPC with the Canadian Professional Counsellor’s Association. I’ve had over 10,000 client hours.

I have a B.Ed. from Harding University in Searcy, AK and teaching is still my happy place.

I have both in-person clients and those I meet via video conferencing in the UK, Europe, and across the breadth of the USA and Canada. I mentor a Graduate student in Clinical Counselling in Manila, Philippines, and in December I initiated a mental health project to train 6 HOPE Worldwide Philippines staff in mental health tools.

I’m a Certified Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist®. In the last 2 years, I’ve become connected with 2 of the Aboriginal foster parents’ societies in Vancouver, BC where I live. I equip foster parents and staff with tools to unravel the tangled emotions associated with loss and trauma and move forward with hope and purpose.

This summer I was privileged to be on the team that edited the online Helping Children with Loss workshop and was the first Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist® in North America to deliver the program.

The deeper I get into the human mind, the more I value each person’s story. Anyone in the nadir of despair.

Two years after graduating from high school, my best friend committed suicide. I had no clue what mental health meant or was. Please explain what is mental health?

Jerry, how very difficult it is to have a friend who died by suicide. Those are often the moments our minds circle back to trying to find the meaning. How? Why? Could I have done something? How could I not have known?

Of course, there isn’t one answer to this question. But I’ll explain mental health the way I describe it to my clients and their families.

Mental health refers to our state of mind, our perception of events. Our sense of well-being both within ourselves (Me) and in the social network of our lives (WE).

Do you remember the movie, The Princess Bride? Do you remember the dark foreboding Fire Swamp with rodents of unusual size and lightning sand ready to destroy the unwary? That is the experience some have when they explore their own minds and behavior. Their thoughts are bewildering, their behavior inexplicable, and seemingly unchangeable. They do not make sense to themselves. They are living in the black hole of despair and life on their regular life street seems a distant memory.

They feel as if they are in a bubble separated from others; that they are invisible, even immobilized.

Our thoughts revolve around three worlds: our past, our present, and our future.

In mental illness, we view our past as unchangeable and negative. We do not hold positive memories of love or the small successes that make life meaningful. Instead, our minds often circle whirling in a painful, endless story of hopelessness and failure.

In our present, we live in a state of fear and anxiety. We have a deep belief that we cannot effect change in our own lives.

As we consider our future, the squirrel of our anxious mind jumps from branch to branch collecting fear dreams and worry nuts hoarding them close inside us.

Let me explain. As we consider our future, our anxious mind seeks and collects disturbing possible futures. Our mind bounces from imagined scenario to scenario leaving our body with elevated heart rate, higher blood pressure,  short shallow breaths.  Our thoughts race in circles, but go nowhere.

As I get older, I realize that there are biological factors like genetics and brain chemistry. But trauma, abuse, and family history also play an important role. For brain chemistry, we can take drugs but to deal with trauma and abuse we need psychological help. Help me understand what this psychological help is all about?

I also believe that Psychosis and altered states of reality do exist that require medication and care by a psychiatrist or psychologist.

As a mental health counselor, I’m the guide who walks alongside the client; empowering, equipping, resonating with tender empathy. I do not come with my own agenda but rather seek to help my clients find the path they long for.

Counselors are more like the physiotherapists of the mind. We help the client find and practice new ways of thinking and seeing themselves and the world around them. Then we guide them in the work of building new pathways in the brain so they can strengthen those new paths.

There are so many magazines on physical health, makeup, financial health but the psychological, emotional, and mental health gets ignored. In so many cultures it is a taboo, I am so glad in Canada we talk about it. In your practice what are you seeing these days and how talking about it helps us and our families?

Jerry, so many people rushed into my mind at this question.  Slow down brain….

Now in the days of social distancing due to Covid-19, I’m seeing some positives and some deepening challenges.

I see people looking for help for what they describe as a hollow emptiness in their chests. A sense of alarming aloneness does not shift even when with people. This sense of panic occurs when they have not developed secure attachment as children. This secure sense of self can be developed and strengthened at any age. But it is more and more common these days.

I also see unresolved complex grief often caused by a series of painful losses in a short period of time. These losses have overwhelmed their ability to recover, leaving them immobilized or even believing they are irrevocably broken as people.  There is a very important difference between believing you have done something that you feel bad about and believing that there is something inherently wrong with you as a human being.

I have mixed thoughts about talking about mental health needs.  Jerry, who we talk to makes quite a big difference. I find young people often rely on their friend-group for advice and support for mental health issues. I have seen this lead to teens taking on the trauma of their friends even when they have not experienced the trauma.

In Helping Children with Loss by the Grief Recovery Method® we teach adults to lead the way. To model emotional honesty. Our children imitate this and learn that their uncomfortable emotions are welcome in the family. They don’t need to stuff them away in their hearts or block emotions with drugs, sex, video games, etc. But rather their heart, their pain, and their grief are held with respect and honor.

Let’s talk about family. How did marriage and motherhood change you as a person? After four decades of marriage, what are you still learning about this institution?

My mother died of a brain tumor within a couple of weeks of my 7^th birthday, leaving 4 lost confused children, ages 12-2, and a grieving husband with a farm to run.  I never had a Hollywood fairy tale idea of marriage or family.

What I did have is a childhood shaped in the arms of a rural community, faith community, and the neighbors on RR#1 who kept an eye on us. Through all these experiences I formed a picture of what a secure relationship looked like. I dated, had my heart thoroughly broken, learned some tough lessons about myself, and landed in a more grounded place determined to lead with my head, not my romantic heart.

42 years later, I’d say it was a pretty good place to start. Head over heels in love, with my feet firmly tethered to reality. We suffered a lot. Learned a lot.

Then, 12 years ago my husband starting having medical symptoms. At one point I foresaw the very real possibility that he would be disabled or even die.

It was a watershed moment for me. We had been very close, able to communicate about most topics. We even worked together. We didn’t like the uneasy edgy feeling of tension between us and resolved issues fairly quickly.

My eyes opened in a painful moment of personal clarity. I needed to form a clearer picture of the ME in WE. How would I make a living? What did I think about topics of faith, social issues, racism, politics? The man who had stood by my side was now facing his own battle and was not always available to me.

He survived, but he is in nearly constant pain. He went back to school, earned a Master’s degree. We both shifted out of the ministry. I started my own business. Our relationship grew richer & deeper as the ME and YOU grew.  I’m still learning to be more HONEST and to invite his honesty.

So that’s what I’d say, Jerry. We’ve tested the edges of our trust in each other and found we can tolerate, and dare I say even enjoy much more than we imagined. We can disagree, fight through differing opinions and NOT agree and it’s still OK. I once thought the goal was the unified US, but now see the energy & growth that comes from being YOU and ME.

A 27-year-old woman wants to get married. Tell her some of the qualities she needs to look for in a man?

So, to a 27-year old woman I’d say:

You’ve probably suffered already in relationships. Had your heartbroken. Lost your confidence. 30 is now on the horizon.

Are you feeling CONFUSED and intensely alone as you try to figure out this thing called love? Your married friends and family offer advice and try to set you up.

You feel yourself pulling back as soon as a guy gets close to you. Or frantic when they don’t answer your calls.

You have your list, like an order from Starbucks, extra HOT, a bit of sugar, no caffeine. Ha!  Did I just make a joke?  Seriously though, already by 27, your walls might be 2 ft thick ready to protect your heart from pain.

As difficult as it is, turn your mind and heart gently towards your own emotions. Seek some support, work through those painful experiences, and learn a new path to love.  It will clear your relationship blocks to see the person you want to connect with.

It’s an ancient truth. Falling in love makes you a little bit crazy, so keep your head in the game.

Do you enjoy talking together? Does he listen, really listen to you? Do you like listening to him? Does he irritate you? When you’ve had a rift, a break in connection, can you mend the relationship? Not bury the pain, but actually repair your tender connection.

Do you recognize the patterns you find yourself in, as Dr. Sue Johnson describes? Find the Bad Guy, Flee and Pursue, or Freeze and Flee?

And then there is Honesty. I can’t say enough about honesty. We hide a lot of our inner selves; the risk feels too big.  Yet our security builds when we speak the truth and gather our courage and invite our beloved’s truth.

You had three men in your house on a minister’s salary, how did you manage it all? I am sure there were sacrifices involved. Help me understand those sacrifices?

I honestly don’t remember the financial sacrifices. We ate well, took some trips to see family, went to Disneyland. The greater sacrifice was time together. The ministry then was nearly 24/7 and I’ve made achingly heartfelt apologies to my kids about that and the many moves we made where they left good friends behind.

A very dear friend of mine, his wife would go on a shopping binge because of her mental health. What can we say when we notice some signs that something is not OK in our family members, friends, or colleagues?

Did you ever hear or even say these words?  What’s WRONG with you!?!  Our friends, co-workers, family members, behavior can be bewildering to us. Or we think it’s just not our business.

A few years ago, we got a call from someone saying they needed a sub for a volunteer position. My husband took the call. Then immediately called me to the phone.  “Something’s wrong,” he said giving me the phone.

Within 5 minutes, I called the spouse to the phone and explained to them how to access emergency mental health care through their local hospital. “Now,” I said, “Drop what you are doing and go right NOW!” This person was diagnosed with a serious mental health condition and spent nearly a year recovering.

I long for every person, every church, every family, school, club to be trauma-informed. When you are trauma-informed you gently ask the question: What happened? Did something happen, my dear friend, sister, brother, co-worker, that you are having this behavior. Shopping, drinking, isolating, enraged. What happened?

What’s happening to you when you want to go shopping? Do you feel something in your chest, your heart, your hands, or your head?  Do you feel hot, cold, empty, jittery?  Can you recall the first time you felt like this?  It is scary to feel like this?  Whew, does that ever seem big? Can I help you to get help?

When we notice changes in patterns of behavior, think backward, and do a quick life review.

Grief and loss accumulate. I know of people who have some early childhood trauma and losses. Some disappointments early in life; didn’t get on the team, didn’t get into the college program they wanted. Then a hard-romantic breakup in their teens/20s, then get married and find out their spouse hid something from them: debt, cheated on them while dating, things like that, then they or their wife has a miscarriage, then their Mom dies and they just can’t pull life back together.

And that’s when the shopping, alcohol misuse, pornography use, gaming misuse, taking things personally and become easily hurt, emotional withdrawal or bouts of expressed anger creep up.

So, when you see something, go deeper. Seek help for the deeper needs. Behavior always, always, always makes sense. Its the normal response to abnormal circumstances.

Life happens…stress, family issues, divorce, death. Grief is not easy. I have lost two of my best friends in the last 3 years. And sometimes I prefer if someone just listens to me or says they love me. I do not want to hear pat answers. Give us some advice on how we can communicate better when someone is going through a tough time in their life?

You are asking an important and relevant question. Nearly every client I have has some wounding moments caused by well-meaning comments.

In the Grief Recovery Method® we talk about some deeper concepts that help guide our words when another is suffering.

Walk with me through this scenario:

Imagine a woman dies with 3 children and 6 grandchildren.

One family lives next door and grandma babysat the kids after school, creating a warm inviting haven for the grandchildren.

One child is estranged from the parent because of a fight when they were 20 and has not spoken to the parent for 30 years.

One went to University in Berlin, married, and has lived in Europe all their lives. Seeing their parents only from time to time.

Picture, if you will, all of these families arriving for the funeral. Oh my! How many different kinds of relationships are there? How many regrets, losses, longings, grief, unresolved, and undelivered communication are there in the room?

Imagine the grandchildren growing up with very different experiences with grandma.

As much as I wish we could, we simply CANNOT know what another person is experiencing in their loss. Your feelings, thoughts, and experience when your grandparent died belong uniquely to you.  And so, it is with your friends.

A gentle “I love you,” “I can’t imagine what this is like for you.” “I’ll wash your dishes,” will likely mean the most to the grieving person who is living in the daze of new grief.

I loved coming to your place as there was always good food. Thanks for being patient, kind, gentle, listening and being empathetic towards me. How important is it that we eat good food but also eat as a family?

Aww, thanks, Jerry.  Feeding you was our way of saying you matter and you are welcome at our table and in our lives. Listening to diverse perspectives over dinners with friends opened my mind and heart. The flow of conversation exposed my sons to the broad kaleidoscope of human experience; opening empathy & curiosity for all of us.

I’ll emphasize the gift of cooking together. Both of my sons are the main cooks in their own families. And no, my husband still doesn’t cook….SIGH..but now he does dishes – a gift of our older years.  I still get calls from the boys, “Mom… Whatcha making for dinner?” Although now I’m often asking them for recipes.

I know you are a woman of deep faith. Walk me through how you came into faith, your story, how does this faith sustain you. Also, help me understand one or two challenging things you have faced in your life and how you overcame it

This is an excerpt from a conversation I wrote between GOD and myself over a decade ago. Perhaps it will give you a window into both suffering and healing.

God to me:

“You are perfect.  I delight in you.  I have known you in your darkest hours when you thought life was not worth living.  I walked beside you that dark night.  I cried out with you when you curled inward holding in a pain so great you felt your body would explode.  I held you in my arms and rocked you to comfort you.  I hold your pain in my arms.  I added my voice to yours in the park when your grief reached the heavens.

And it did, my daughter. I heard from you. I hear from you.

I stood beside you when shattered dreams lay in brightly colored shards at your feet.  I know your hopelessness.  I felt it when my Son hung on the cross.  I watched you as you lay helpless on beds of pain and my love enfolded you with warmth.

I knew the risk I took creating man with the capacity to feel so deeply.  I only gave that gift to humanity.  Only then could you know love – the bounty, the gift.”

Me to God:

“I see the path – the red thread throughout my life.  I’d left so many things outside your grace as though my decisions could move me away from you.  It’s not done until my death and I’m alive.

I had to hit unscalable walls in order to know it wasn’t my work that saved me. I had to face utter despair in order to see hope, grief to know peace, sin to see salvation pure and true.”

I am a big believer in peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion but you have to practice forgiveness and gratitude to move forward. What are your thoughts on this?

I stand on the shoulders of giants in this field. Forgiveness, I find, is an exquisitely intentional action that is completed once with forethought and determination, then repeated every time the offense comes to mind. Forgiveness is an act of my will and decision bathed in the grace given to me, to set myself free from the prison of hatred and pain.

Faith or no faith…life happens. Too many Christians buy into the prosperity gospel even though they do not say it openly. They want the perfect house, the perfect spouse, the perfect life. They forget suffering. We need to embrace it. agree or disagree

Where did we EVER get the idea that having faith meant avoiding suffering?

We want to be happy all the time and then there is joy. We can be joyful in every circumstance. Please talk about this and also how does social media impact us?

I recently taught a class about helping children with a loss to staff and administrators at a private K-12 school. As I discussed the needs of the children before the session, one staff member shared a frequent topic in the staff room. Is perhaps the greatest detriment to happiness the expectation of constant happiness?

If when the challenges of life happen, we have no place/no space for our pain and sorrow to go then who do we talk to?  Who understands?

On the other hand, when mourning is welcomed, modeled, normalized, and held with tender care, children learn they can ride the wave of suffering and come out the other side. YES, it will come again and again. And YES, they will be turned upside down by the current, but they will not be swept out to sea.  That is what we need to teach our children.

Joy comes with perspective. Joy walks softly in awareness of the journey we all must walk.  Joy comes in quietness. Joy in generated from the inside out.

Photo Credit: Jina Hong

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As a society, we have to focus on youth mental health for our own future.

“I need help, I have a mental illness‘. That was the shriek from someone on Facebook, whom I have known for nearly three decades. Her husband had left her along with the kids.  For so many years, everything from the outside looked great. As a society, we focus so much on financial and physical health that we forget about mental and spiritual health. I talk to Jamie Weil about these issues, and in the first interview, we talk about her mission, vision, youth mental health, balance, and creating sacred spaces in our lives.

Jamie Weil lives in Cottonwood, California. She writes everywhere. She has identified as a writer since third grade, when her teacher sent her poem “Red” to the Record Searchlight, and they published it. She has written for the children’s educational market, the adult non-fiction market, and has worked as a journalist, second-grade teacher, and mom. Her YA novel, First Break, was released on World Mental Health Day, 10/10/18. Her second YA novel, “Intuition,” was published almost exactly a year later on 10/2/19. She is currently in post-production on the pilot episode of “A Crazy Thought,” a groundbreaking docuseries on youth mental health and suicide which she is creating with a team of amazing award-winning female filmmakers.

Jamie, I consider it an honor to have you on my blog. I want to know a little about you and your mission?

It’s an honor to be invited to your space, and especially via Twitter! Twitter has mystified me for so long as I’m standing in front of a wall saying random things in an attempted witty way and a bunch of other people who are doing the same. When I found the #writingcommunity, I felt a new level of connection, finally made a few friends, and I am happy to call you one of those. I love people, their stories, and feel connected to one humanity. Sure, sometimes that one humanity can feel like we’re in the room with that one uncle who drinks too much at Thanksgiving and spurts out off-color remarks, but the contrast makes each of us clearer about our own shadows. It’s a great teacher! I hold a vision for a world where we can deeply embrace each other’s unique differences and in so doing, widen our own understandings of ourselves and others.

I love your focus on empowering women. This touches my heart as it is a space to which I also feel such a strong pull. I understand the vital role allies as you play in what can be a very binary and lopsided world. Empowered women empower women and yet we are not evolutionarily at a place where enough women feel empowered for so many valid reasons. We need those evolved men like you who not only get it but do something about it. Giving women a voice is one very important space as we see so clearly in the Jeffrey Epstein documentary.

Both writing on paper and in film are key places for women to become empowered which is what draws me there. I can say things on paper or in visual media as a filmmaker that I can’t say as easily in other spaces as I was one of those young girls raised to keep quiet and mind my manners. At a very young age, I discovered that as long as I wrote and got good grades, I could say what I wanted. It was a freeing space for me. Stories became a way to find a voice.

When I answered a calling to tell multicultural stories about youth mental health, I attempted to assemble a crew of female film creators, no easy task for a variety of reasons. I felt it was important that women’s voices be heard in the capturing of the story because 95% of the cases I came across over the past 2 decades of children suffering from mental illness symptoms had women at the helm trying to figure out the solutions and suffering along with the children. When I taught elementary school in Los Angeles, 95% of the teacher K-8 were women and a few men teaching middle school. With the role of the Divine Feminine rising in this world, and an understanding for a need for that, it is visionary men like you that will escort that shift in and it will be a blessing for everybody. Along the way, it is very important to recognize it was evolved men who helped me make that happen.

Thank you for finding me and for inviting me to talk about my favorite subjects. I am so grateful.

Talk to me about how to live a happy life, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

I have so many ideas about this! I consciously and consistently rank my own four bodies (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) on a scale from 1-10. As a licensed spiritual practitioner (on sabbatical because I really suck at anything that looks or feels religious while simultaneously loving pieces of all religions) I dove into thoughts in practitioner training about the best ways to serve the Divine who goes by many names. I’m a 20 year-long daily meditator and sit with the idea of how to bring the sunny to the world on a daily. How can I serve today? is a daily mantra. I start with myself, by ranking those four bodies and remaining conscious about what I need to work on in myself to bring others more joy. That’s really my endgame and it’s a selfish goal because giving people joy gives me joy and I like to live in the sunny. When we have a habit of pointing to external circumstances for the reasons we aren’t fulfilled, we miss the magic of the journey and the world around us. Nobody wins. Recently, Yale put their Principles of Well Being by Dr. Laurie Santos class online and I took it. There is so much science behind this idea that each day we find ourselves connecting to ourselves and other inconsistent practices.

And yet, there is value in every state we find ourselves. It’s not realistic to think every day will be unicorns and butterflies. People we love die. Pets die. We get sick. The world shuts down. Horrible abuse happens. Contrast is all around us and some days are just unbearably hard. Remembering everything changes and reaching out for help from others is key.

Happy, then, begins at home, inside each of us, and we start with those four bodies. Each is a pillar that holds us up, and if one is off, we struggle. The weakest one for me is the physical and so I am consistently setting goals in that area while being very careful not to shame myself along the way. I think that’s key, the no shaming part. We need to give ourselves grace. We are in this Earth School to learn to walk and when we’re done, well, we’re done for this time. Not being done is part of the thing. The journey is the best part and we need to be our best cheerleader. I love the late Louise Hay’s mirror work for this where you look in the mirror and, with heartfelt feeling, say “I love you. I really, really love you.”

It’s all about balance. On my website in the right corner is a picture of a rock I have had for decades that says “balance.” My oldest son, now 32, came home from high school when he was 14, ran out back, and stuck that rock between his feet. He took a picture to remind himself of the importance of balance in his life and I see that value present in both my sons’ lives to this day. This was especially poignant as he was in the middle of a break with bipolar disorder, seeking a space of energetic (and chemical) balance where he felt he could stay alive. The balance was literally a matter of life and death. A balance between work and play. A balance between self and other. A balance in your four bodies. A balance between giving and receiving. Balance.

I appreciate that you are an advocate for youth mental health. Please talk to me about it?

Another favorite subject of mine is youth mental health!

When my oldest son was in 4^th grade, he began to show symptoms that confused me. I could tell he was unhappy, but it was beyond that. Simultaneously, I was teaching second grade in Southern California. Teaching was a second career and I had several students that were struggling with symptoms I had never seen or learned about in my Master’s program or anywhere else. This began a long journey of educating myself on what was happening and how I could help. We eventually received a diagnosis of bipolar illness, but it was very long, unnecessarily painful, and massively upsetting for everyone. I vowed I would do what I could to make the journey easier on other parents and kids, many of whom were coming to me in secret too afraid (ashamed) to tell anyone what was happening. I saw a very similar pattern that abused women feel when they don’t feel they can get help.

I used my writing to reach out. First, I began blogging in the early 2000s. Simultaneously, I started a young adult novel called First Break which was finally published by All Things That Matter Press on World Mental Health Day in 2018. That was an amazing day for me because my son and his wife, both university professors now, were able to do some great research and help me put resources in place that would speak multiculturally to transitional youth 14-26 and their parents and teachers. Having that first-person POV novel of a 17-year-old stepping onto a college campus and having the first break was a way to understand through story an experience that confused us and caused years of pain. My hope is that novel will be used in middle school classrooms to educate the next generation and prevent the many years of pain that do not have to happen.

In 2017, after two decades of print articles, books, and community service, I felt a calling to use visual media to make a change. I was frustrated by all the distraught parents and children I saw needlessly suffering, many in silence. They were missing their entire childhoods. I set out to make a documentary, but there was only one problem: I wasn’t a filmmaker and had never been to film school. Reinventing myself was something I’d done before, though, so I set out to answer this calling. To date, we have a pilot, a plan, two shorts, a ton of great footage in the can, and no money to finish that docuseries. It turns out it takes much more money to create a visual media production than it does to write a book. Though we did win a crowdfunding effort (it was awful, by the way!) to fund the pilot, I discovered fundraising is just not my jam.

I love the title of your book Chasing Sacred Spaces. I am learning to become intentional in creating space. Walk me through your book and what is it all about?

Thank you so much for that because that is a title that came to me in a dream, but someone had questioned it which made me question it. I’ve been waiting for the Universe to weigh in and you just did that for me!

This is such an interesting project for me, indeed a sacred space itself, and unlike any project, I’ve ever done. First, I wrote this as a download from the Divine. I did what I do when I blog. I meditate and pray, “Use me to tell the stories that the readers who find their way to me need to read to make their lives better and happier.” When I did this in my blogging world, I would consistently have people tell me what I said was exactly what they needed so I felt like it was working. That went on for several decades. However, with First Break and later Intuition, both YA novels, I wrote more from my head as I had learned to do at UCLA in coursework. With Chasing Sacred Spaces, I sat down and wrote this in a weekend. It’s my first book in the mind/body/spirit genre and it’s the first book I’m going to self-publish. That will come out in October 2020.

The part of what you say, being intentional about creating sacred space, is so present in this book, but as one of my life threads is clearly being in the room with mental illness and suicide, this finds its way in a bit. (I was surprised because I honestly was attempting to take a break from this theme.) What became clear is that we each want peace and happiness, and we look for that in so many places the world has told us to look. Then the world shuts down and now what? We’re back to spot where we started above, looking inside ourselves, in our own worlds, and really honestly seeing ourselves. In the spiritual circles I find myself, I feel that lots of spiritual bypassing goes on in an effort to avoid the pain, but in dodging that we make it worse. The book is an assortment of stories that flowed through as a response to the “what will really help my readers in their own lives” prompt. I’m currently in the rewriting process which is always harder than the initial writing.

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Resilience is how well people deal with and bounce back from the challenges of life. Resilience is the process of adjusting positively as you face challenges, tragedy, adversity, threats, and major sources of stress like job loss, divorce, financial issues, health problems, workplace discrimination, or the current COVID crisis. Resilience is not only about bouncing back, but also about learning and growing from the experience. The challenges are difficult and painful, but one needs to be aware of what they can control. Resilience helps you walk through the challenging times in your life and empowers you.

Resilience does not mean you will not face challenges in your life. The truth is that some of the most resilient people have faced and gone through the most challenging things a person can face. Resilience can be learned and involves developing actions, behaviors, and thoughts that help you bounce back from traumatic events in your life.

The Three  Aspects of Resilience

Susan Kobasa, a leading psychologist, talks about the three aspects of resilience. The first is the challenge. When you are facing difficulties in your life, you have to see it as a challenge and not as an event that will paralyze you. The difficulty has to be viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow, and not negatively. The second is that you have to be committed to your goals, values, ethos, friendships, relationships, and beliefs, and find a reason to get up in the morning. The third part is to focus on what you can control. When you focus on what you can control and let go, you feel confident and empowered. If you focus on what you cannot control, it will make you feel powerless.

Where is My GPS?

Life on planet Earth does not come with a GPS. However, the challenges and the traumatic events of life on Earth can impact us negatively. These events bring up a variety of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and uncertainty. Debbie has been battling cancer for six months. Last week I got a text that someone I have known my whole life committed suicide. I have been asked a lot about how I manage to stay resilient. Here are my eleven secrets to staying resilient. I have included quotes from strong women who have been resilient in their lives.

Find a purpose and a deeper meaning

Grief and resilience live together – Michelle Obama, Becoming

One of my best friends committed suicide two years after high school. In the last few years, I have lost one of my closest friends from university and another from the business world. Last week, someone from my youth group committed suicide. As we come across a tragedy or a crisis in our personal lives we have to find a sense of purpose. I started a blog, got more involved in volunteering, more introspective, and started aligning all my activities with my goals and values.

As Debbie fights cancer, I am learning to become more compassionate, understanding, kind, and gentle.

Be Positive about your capabilities

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it – Maya Angelo

When Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was handling it the best. She was just confident. I learned from her that we have to be confident about our capabilities on how to handle this event in our family. I had to focus on what we call a SWOT analysis in the business world. However, I had to focus on my strengths and keep the positive tape in my brain going.

Friendships are important

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance – Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

I would not have made it through the present crisis without close friends. I continue to stay connected with friends and cousins to share my feelings about what I am going through. This support does wonders for our emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and psychological health.

It is important to also connect with people who are understanding, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, and who validate what you are going through. I have spoken to many people whose spouses have gone through cancer. It helps what you are feeling is natural. Sometimes there is a natural tendency to isolate ourselves. It is important to connect with people.

The only constant in life is change

Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive – Jean Chatzky

When I was doing my MBA and as we studied about companies that survived and those that perished the only difference was the survivors adapted to change. We have to constantly adapt to our surroundings. Stick to your values and core concepts but we have to adapt. Those that are flexible and embrace the changes thrive in the long run. I had to adapt my lifestyle and my attitude about being a spouse of a cancer patient.

Be Confident 

Like tiny seeds with potent power to push through tough ground and become mighty trees, we hold innate reserves of unimaginable strength. We are resilient – Catherine DeVrye, The Gift of Nature

When we are going through challenging times, it is tough to be confident in the tunnel. However, you have to cling to hope and focus on staying positive. Positive thinking does not mean you ignore the problem or the challenges you are facing. It means that the stumbling blocks are temporary and we need to focus on our capabilities to handle the challenge. I am confident that after chemo and radiation Debbie will make it through the end of November.

Self-care

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow – Mary Anne Radmacher

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You need to eat healthy food, get sleep, rest, build new skills, and even seek counseling.

Focus on solutions, not problems

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it – Helen Keller

No matter what we are going through, focus on solutions. Do not ask why me but what now. There are times when there is no solution. However, you have to try to take baby steps to make your situation less stressful.

Join a group

She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails – Elizabeth Edwards

I have spoken to many men whose spouses have gone through cancer. When you talk to other people who have gone through similar circumstances it helps you. Join a group of people who are going through similar issues. Talk about it and get together. It will do miracles for you. It is good to talk and get things out. If you keep it inside, you end with a lot of psycho-somatic issues. 

Practice mindfulness

Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life – J.K. Rowling

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. I personally find breathing very helpful.

Focus on one goal

The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

As Debbie goes through cancer, we just take it one day at a time. There is a tendency to focus on the end and how it will all look once chemo and radiation are done.

Ask for help

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good – Elizabeth Edwards

I am bad at asking for help. My wife is even worse. However, I was challenged to ask for help. As I asked for help, I have a meal train for us and people driving Debbie for her chemo and other appointments.

The key takeaway from this post is that whenever you are going through a challenging time, in order to be resilient:

Do not listen to the news, it is all negative, look to other sources for empowerment and inspiration

It is ok to cry and express what you are going through

Go for a walk and connect with nature

Focus on your strengths and be confident

Have a real, deep and vulnerable conversation with a close friend or family member

Talk to someone who has gone through or going through similar challenges like you

Pray, meditate and connect with a higher power

Write what you are going through and feeling

Practice kindness towards others and to yourself

Music inspires and empowers you, listen to it

Breathe deeply

Take it one day and one hour at a time. Focus on the present.

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