Fuzia is a dynamic and robust organization that empowers women and has a community of 4.5 million people around the world, as well as 50,000 active contributors.

The goal of Four Columns is to empower women to lead balanced lives in the 21st century. Women empowerment is not a buzzword in Western society anymore. However, here are some scary statistics :

Globally, 750 million women and girls were married before the age of 18 and at least 200 million women and girls in 30 countries have undergone FGM. The rates of girls between 15-19 who are subjected to FGM  in the 30 countries where the practice is concentrated have dropped from 1 in 2 girls in 2000 to 1 in 3 girls by 2017. In 18 countries, husbands can legally prevent their wives from working; in 39 countries, daughters and sons do not have equal inheritance rights; and 49 countries lack laws protecting women from domestic violence. One in five women and girls, including 19 percent of women and girls aged 15 to 49, have experienced physical and/or sexual violence by an intimate partner within the last 12 months. Yet, 49 countries have no laws that specifically protect women from such violence.

Shraddha Varma and Riya Sinha are game-changers in the women empowerment landscape. They are the founders of Fuzia, which is a creative community driven by women all around the globe. The mission is not only to empower creative individuals but also to work towards women’s empowerment and gender equality.  They focus on shattering the glass ceiling, forming relationships, and creating change.

I wanted to know something unique about the founders. Shraddha Varma in all her humility says ‘Aside from being a management expert, an experienced marketer, and an ambitious entrepreneur, I’m a keen learner and a creative thinker with decent communication and leadership skills. I believe that economic freedom is necessary for women to be able to break out from patriarchal, pseudo-liberal patriarchal structures. In addition to leading Fuzia’s global marketing and operations as a Co-founder, I’m also a full-time mentor to my team in diverse cultural activities! Being a firm believer in gender equality, we have together driven a million women to represent their largest untapped talent pool! My notion is to reach out to every single woman to stay empowered in the challenging world from every minute to minute. Our organization, Fuzia intuitively influences global women to assist one another to grow, live their interests, chase their aspirations, and create their own identity, thereby promoting gender equality, feminism, and empowerment.’ 

Riya Sinha tells me ‘As an 11-year-old school student at Palo Alto High School in California, I was curiously intrigued with the intention of Fuzia for women, by Women. I’m currently in my second year at UC Berkeley, California, and work part-time for Fuzia. I’m mainly focused on initiatives like Fuzia’s public relations that is supported via television as videos and interviews with notable women and partnerships with other companies.’

Shraddha Varma talks about Fuzia and its various initiatives.

What was the motivation behind starting Fuzia? Did the success of it come as a surprise?

Fuzia sparkled up with a conviction for us to enlighten the stereotypical minds of society. Riya Sinha and I bonded over a cause of uplifting our sister women and defeating our mutual frustration at all orientations! At 11, when most of us were worrying about how our freshman year at high school would be, Riya Sinha had authored a book. Her short novel “Runaway Twins” at a local bookstore in Palo Alto destined a short fan moment when a kid came running to her and exclaimed that Riya’s book had inspired her to write and create; that she wanted to become a writer as well.

This incident laid the founding bricks of what Fuzia is today. I joined Fuzia in 2015 and am relentlessly devoted to empowering women worldwide. The small writing club, at the present, is an independent international online space for women to create and connect globally that I seamlessly manage.

We have reached significant milestones during the last five years. Over a year, we achieved 1 million users and supporters on social media. For our users, we launched a high-tech user-friendly app that marks the precise version of the Fuzia website. We have even received honors from prestigious organizations, such as the Women Economic Forum’s “Iconic Teen Entrepreneur and Innovator” award. Fuzia now has a community of 4.5 million people around the world, as well as 50,000 active contributors.

Empowering women through the fusion of cultures and ideas is your mission. Talk to me more about this?

Fuzia believes that talent shared is talent fostered, thus the outcomes are numerous campaigns and contests where women from all over the world participate and express themselves. They are also given training and employment opportunities in areas of their interests and expertise. At Fuzia, we broadly collaborate with our in-house talents and experts, including social media influencers, entrepreneurs, and inspirational women, to host interactive live sessions where women can have their questions answered and receive the training they need to launch their own businesses.

With the potential that many women possess, we ensure them to have economic assistance and opportunity in a variety of ways. Consequently, we indulge in preparing the individuals with their extraordinary skills tuned in such a way that benefits both the organization and its users financially. Our zeal of organizing a variety of interviews with strong women who share their inspiring experiences on Fuzia TV assists other global women to break free from their shells.

Empowerment is a new concept in many cultures where patriarchy, misogyny, and two levels of citizenship are hegemonic. What have been some of the challenges you have faced on the journey of Fuzia?

Fuzia as a community has always kept its focus on being a cultural organization that is gender inclusive. We strongly believe that gender inclusion is not just restricted to peripheral equality but also facilitates the breakdown of the very unconscious bias. We’ve tried and made our platform open to every individual, be it men, women, or people of other genders. Anyone who supports the cause of women empowerment, feminism, equality, and mutual support/upliftment has to be of our deciding interest. Fuzia also believes that true ‘Empowerment’ is incomplete without people of all genders supporting it. Therefore, we highly support and encourage gender inclusion, which as a concept transcends mere equality.

In North America, women are outperforming men in every area. There are more women in universities and in many careers. Do you see this happening in India?

The majority of men in India emphasize that women are befitted to being homemakers than at the workspace. They show fewer interests to encourage women who are striving to become a better version of themselves. This created a wall of hindrance for many men to participate in women’s empowerment. The patriarchal system also holds back men who care about the cause and want to empower women.

But this situation is gradually changing as we see many women breaking through barriers to live their dreams. A successful woman as a homemaker is also a multifaceted professional in every field establishing herself with ground-breaking achievements. Women have effortlessly proved to accomplish things that even men fail to do. This strong setback is emerging from both the rural and urban backgrounds embarking on the real adventure of women across her unending hurdles.

Walk me through what areas that women need to be empowered?

Women in the modern world stay super dynamic to dust off their routine starting from domestic chores to the documentation at the workplace. Many other women are silently enduring their pains as a part of their existence. Discriminations, failures, false hopes, negativities, character assassinations, and many more are dragging them to the dome of darkness. Taking this forward, Fuzia anchored firm affirmations in every woman to surpass the series of discouragements.

The Fuziaties testimonials evidenced that a larger introvert community has benefited the most from what Fuzia offers to every single woman in the world. Women empowerment needs to be focused on women’s sense of self-worth, their right to have and determine choices, and get unlimited access to opportunities and resources. More importantly, enriching their ability to influence the direction of social change to create a more just social and economic order, nationally and internationally.

Help me understand how men can empower women in their lives?

Fuzia believes that men can act as allies to women by showing support for the women’s empowerment movement. They can increase their share in domestic work and family responsibilities. They need to promote gender equality when fighting for women’s access to jobs, rights, and opportunities. Men need to understand and listen to the unhidden voices of women and truly give a solid secure space for them to unleash their inner potential. Genuinely appreciating their best efforts will encourage them to perform even better at home and in the workplace. We must also understand that women’s lives would be much easier with a supportive and attentive partner by accepting their scars and making women feel worthy about who they are.

Talk to me about the cities you are from? I want to know the food scene and why should one visit them? (You can take Mumbai and Delhi).

I am heading from Mumbai, a city that never sleeps and is beautifully located in the mid-western part of India. With a population of over 18 million people, Mumbai is popularly known as the “jewel in India’s crown” is a merging pot of religions, customs, food, and thriving trade. Mumbai’s cultural diversity can be reflected in the city’s gastronomic diversity, which includes street food with Muslim, Gujarati, South Indian, Parsi, and Maharashtrian influences. Dishes with these flavors, colors ,and textures burst in your tongue without breaking the bank. If you’re a foodie, you’re in luck if you’re in Mumbai because there are so many great spots to munch over street cuisine!

The other city I can’t skip bringing up is Delhi, the country’s perennially intriguing capital, that works as a magnet, drawing visitors from all over the world. The city has its distinct charm and diverse culture that encompasses all of India. The city is proud of its rich history and possesses many well-preserved historical monuments. With its vibrant and bustling marketplaces, Delhi is also a shopper’s delight. Delhi is also known as the cuisine capital of the world, with a cornucopia of delectable street food such as parathas, chaat, butter chicken, kebabs, chole bhature, biryani, nihari with a slew of contemporary eateries. One of the things that keeps the Delhi culinary scene alive is street food. Eating on the streets of Delhi is a crash course in the city’s history and culture, which is unparalleled in its richness.

The post Fuzia: Shattering the glass ceiling for women appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is self-care? Self-care is the intentional and concerned process of taking care of and improving your mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health with a balanced lifestyle. During this pandemic, it can be stressful and self-care is important. I strongly recommend that you eat well, sleep 8 hrs a day, maintain your social network, exercise, take care of your spiritual needs, have financial security and focus on the end of the tunnel.

Self-care is taking care of yourself and it is very important.

I have gone to the gym and eaten healthily for most of my life. I have taken care of my finances. These are examples of self-care. One area I was neglecting was my emotional self-care. I volunteered as a financial counselor, helped many friends go through a divorce and their own emotional challenges. I neglected boundaries and realized my gifts are not in the area of counseling and giving emotional support. I was burned out and it was impacting my marriage and parenting.

We can embrace busyness because that is the status symbol. We try to be busy so that we can feel important. I have learned to say NO to a lot of volunteer and other positions offered to me. I had to have a holistic approach to life.

The moment we align our goals, values, and ethos with our job, friends, charitable giving, and the various organizations that we are part of, cognitive dissonance disappears. We are happy. We live a purpose-driven life. Everything makes sense.

Over the next couple of weeks, this is what I want you to do. The job you have. Do you love it? Are you passionate about it? Does it work with your core competence and skillsets? The friends you have. Are they toxic? Do you hang out with them because of your own insecurity? Are they taking you to where you want to go in life? What about where you live, where you worship, and other organizations that you are part of?

I am asking you to take an inventory of where you are at. We get so caught up in financial net worth that we forget about our emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual worth? What is your identity?

It is 2022. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Josie D is the creator behind The Cheetah Buzz, a unique lifestyle blog on fashion, beauty, and travel. I catch up with her and talk about personal style, beauty trends, and self-care.

Josie, I am excited to talk to you about fashion, travel, and beauty. I want to know something about you?

Thank you so much for interviewing little ole’ me. I feel so humbled and blessed for this opportunity! One thing about me is that I was born in Accra, Ghana and I came to the United States when I was 6 ½ years old. I believe it will be about 22 years since I’ve been living in the States. I’m also a big fan of yellow cake and anything sweet!

I like The Cheetah Buzz. How did the name come about?

Thank you so much! During my freshman year of college, while I was chilling in my friend’s dorm room, her roommate busted in and told me I looked like a cheetah when I smiled lol. I thought it was really funny and it just stuck in my head. In 2017, when I started a portfolio of my pictures on Instagram, I named it The Cheetah Buzz and that snowballed over to the name of my blog!

I want to know how does one find our own personal style and not get caught following the crowd?

One thing I always stress is figuring out what colors you like to see yourself in, from there, you can build and figure out what textures and fabrics to gravitate towards. My recent blog post about finding your personal style touches more about this topic. To stand out from the crowd, it’s also important to not follow trends as they come and go, but instead be comfortable in doing your own thing. Let people copy off of your style not you copy of off theirs. Be a trendsetter!

Give women some tips on how they can dress better?

One way to learn how to dress better is to download fashion apps like the Combyne app and the Closet Love app. These apps will help you create and style different outfits so you can see which shirts, jeans, shoes, and accessories pair well together.  Once you do that, then you can implement some of those ideas into your own closet and see what pairs well together there. Another tip is to pick one accessory such as a pair of shoes or a silver necklace and create a look around that one item. You can turn this into a fun challenge!

My daughter is 16. What are some self-care drug store products she must own?

When I was 16, I wish I had the Clean & Clear Day & Night Face Wash 2 Pack to keep the pimples away. This product is both oil-free and hypoallergenic. Also, at this age, I was experimenting with lots of makeup, so the Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Wipes and the Lypsyl Lip Balm always came in handy. The wipes removed all of my makeup and the lip balm kept my lips super moisturized.

What are the beauty trends for 2021?

I’m not really sure what the beauty trends for 2021 will be as 2020 has been a stay at home look for a lot of people due to the lockdown. But what I’m hoping is less is more and loving the skin you’re in will be the beauty trend for women in 2021. Based on what I see on social media, fashion runways, and in music videos, it looks like lip glosses, defined eyebrows, colorful makeup, bejeweled eyes, and big lashes are staying strong; so maybe they might roll over into 2021.

Self-care, Self-love is not selfish. Please comment?

If something or outside forces are hurting your mental health and overall wellbeing, it’s definitely not selfish to put yourself first and treat yourself back to health. What good are you to others or to society if you don’t take good care of yourself or even love yourself? When you take care of yourself first, then you’ll be more productive in helping others, and that for sure is not selfish.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you and what is it not?

Women’s empowerment is uplifting and fixing another woman’s crown when you see it tilt. This can refer to a lot of things. When you see, hear or read that another woman is going through some hard times or is feeling weak, reach out and lend an ear to them and let her know that you got her back and you are there to listen.

Woman empowerment is speaking out on issues that are hurting or will cause a problem for other women in the community. Woman empowerment does not mean bringing other women down so you can make yourself feel better. It’s also not being envious of other woman’s achievements or successes just because you are not successful yourself. I like to be in the mindset of when one woman is successful at something, we (women as a whole) are all successful too.

Talk to me a little bit about Ghana. I want to know about its vibrant culture and food scene?

Ghana is a beautiful country. I recently traveled to my hometown of Accra, Ghana back in 2018. My sister and I stayed in a local city called Agbogba. The streets were filled with tons of cars, buses, taxis, and lots of vendors trying to sell people things. There were tons of palm trees nearby and the sand was like a beautiful dark, orange-brown color. The houses were big and beautifully made with their own personalities. People were always smiling and happy about life. It’s definitely a great place to retire lol.

The locals spoke a lot of different languages including Ga, Twi, Ewe, and English of course. I believe the food was the best part of Ghana. You had a wide variety of savory foods to choose from like fufu with palm nut stew, banku with okra stew and crab, jollof rice with lots of goat meat, and kenkey with shito and fried fish, among many others.

I was never a people pleaser. I sleep better. You talk a lot about how people-pleasing can be destructive. Walk me through how it can be harmful?

Lol lucky you! Yes, I have always been a people pleaser since I was little. I think it was just embedded in me to be that way as a child. I was always taught to follow orders and help people out whether I wanted to or not. If I didn’t and told someone no, the guilt I would feel almost made doing the thing for that person better than the feeling of telling them no.

As a people pleaser, it hurt my personal self-care because I always put others’ needs before my own which made me rely upon and put my trust in people. And then when people would disappoint me, the hurt cut through me more than anything — and that is the destructive part about it. Now as a recovering people pleaser, I know I cannot put my trust in others anymore and I cannot be afraid to say no especially if hinders my mental health or overall wellbeing.

I love the fact that you talk about positive affirmation. Share a little about that?

Positive affirmations are so powerful! When you recite positive affirmations, the words can shift your perspective on how you see yourself. Though your circumstances or surroundings may be poor, if you tell yourself I am rich every day, you will start to believe that and that can manifest into you finding ways to become rich or make you look at different parts of your life in a positive way and know that you are rich in other ways: you are rich in health, rich in life, and rich because you have a family that loves you and so forth. Positive affirmations can make a world of difference.

The post Self Care: Taking Care of Yourself appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Do you feel you have to be perfect? Perfect on the job,  perfect with friends, perfect with family, and perfect in general.  Are you on the treadmill of life, trying to be perfect? If you are in performance mode, then you need to stop trying to be perfect. You need to get off the treadmill. Take some time off. Smell the roses. Go for a vacation. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Meditate, pray, or change your routine. You are hurting yourself by chasing perfection, having unrealistic expectations, and being in performance mode.

You need to love yourself more. You need to accept yourself. You also need to forgive and practice gratitude. Let go of trying to be perfect.

Forget social media, forget comparing yourself to someone else, and forget living in someone else’s shadow. Be real, vulnerable, and lead an authentic life. A life that is aligned with your goals and values. Perfection, unrealistic expectations, not dealing with issues, and not taking responsibility are all toxins destroying your life.

I respect Selena. She has figured out a lot of stuff at an early age. She blogs about women’s empowerment but also lives it daily. We talk about women’s empowerment, careers, and of course, dating.

Hi Selena, welcome, and tell me something about you?

Hi, thanks for having me! I am a 24-year-old marketing manager at a small marketing firm currently, but my goal is to make empowering women my full-time career, whether that is through life coaching or through my motivational blog that I started a little over a year ago. Writing is my passion, along with helping women realize their full potential and I seek to do that not only in my professional endeavors but in my personal relationships as well.

Talk to me about your job in marketing? What do you like about marketing?

My company markets mainly for technology staffing firms. In my role, I write industry-related blogs, both for clients and for us, I curate and design their social media content, and also write and design their websites. I love the creative aspect of marketing, and it is a field in which things are always changing, so it never gets boring! There is always so much to learn. Marketing also has allowed me to expand my writing abilities as I have had to learn to adapt to writing for various brands and therefore various tones, industries, and topics.

Help me understand how dating has changed for you in the 21st century? I like the fact that you talk about taking responsibility for it?

I think the inception of social media played a significant role in shifting how people date today. We are constantly flooded with options on various dating apps, and consume massive amounts of content on social media sites daily. Instant gratification has become the expectation, and men especially use these dating apps to their advantage as they rack up their roster so they always have someone on standby.

However, on the other hand, we as women tend to enable this behavior because it seems that this is how the majority of men behave (even if this isn’t necessarily the case), so we’ve gotten used to getting ghosted, getting played, etc. We, as women, need to take control of the narrative and not stand for behavior that doesn’t align with our values and how we want to be treated. This also isn’t to say that all men are bad and all women are good, but in my experience, women tend to be more vocal about their distaste for dating these days.

I get so caught up in planning that I forget to be in the present. As I focus on being in the present moment my life has changed…pls. comment?

I think many of us are always looking ahead to what’s coming next that it is very rare we stop and look around at what we have in the present moment. I think this takes practice to slow yourself down and be appreciative of how far you’ve come up to this point and realize that if you don’t enjoy the present, you’ll miss your whole life. I’m still working on this myself, but it is not surprising to me that your life has changed after being able to do this. As humans, I think we are always striving for more – with parental, societal, professional, and peer pressures, we feel as though we always have to be on the go, working our butts off to get to the next milestone in our lives. But, as I said, we’ll miss out if we’re always focusing on what’s coming next.

I have been mentoring people since grade 8 when I became a prefect. Over the years I have been a big brother and mentored many men in the corporate world. I talk to them about getting to know themselves and where their identity comes from and being authentic. Walk me through your own process?

That’s amazing! It takes a special kind of person to want to help others, so I applaud you for choosing to mentor. I personally have never technically mentored anyone, but I really want to get into that space. I am the friend that many of my friends come to for advice or just to vent, and there is nothing more rewarding for me than to help them through their struggles, and remind them how loved they are. I try to do the same in my blog and offer advice on various topics from how to stop being a people pleaser to how to get over the guy you never technically dated. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles and that there are resources that are available to help them heal from past traumas, and figure out who they are and who they want to become. I try to offer a safe space to do that for anyone who needs an ear to listen.

Help me understand what women empowerment means to you?

Women empowerment means helping women realize and unlock their full potential. It means saying, screw what society wants us to be, what do we want to be? It means spreading positivity, lifting each other up, and fighting for our rights. It means cultivating meaningful communities and helping each other live our most authentic, unapologetic lives.

On a personal note, one of the areas I have grown the most is being aware of my own mental health but also those around me. I have been in sales all my life and outgoing so I can overlook that. Why is mental health so important to the present generation?

Luckily for Gen-Z, I believe mental health is being discussed so much more, and the stigmas that were placed on going to therapy or seeking help are ending. This generation is so much more emotionally aware, and especially with social media, mental health is more important than ever. Kids are on these social media sites and are fed content of celebrities and peer’s lives that isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a kid in this day in age.

I think it is so important for parents, teachers, and even peers to talk about mental health and encourage open and honest conversations. Ask how your friends are doing! Encourage therapy! We all need to look out for one another.

Women are outperforming men all across universities in North America. I have worked in some of the best restaurants and so often on Thursdays and Fridays saw only women coming. They always say the same thing, young men are living in their parents’ basement playing video games and do not know how to go on a date or carry on a conversation. Is that true? What can be done about it?

I can only speak from my personal experience as well as what I’ve heard from my friends, and although there are many complaints that can be made about men, I have not experienced this. I have gone on many dates and although they may not be the right match for me, I’ve had a nice time 90% of the time and have always been able to have good conversations with them.

The ones I have dated have also all had jobs, but there are certainly men out there who do just stay living at home and maybe lack the drive needed to begin or advance their careers. I think the key here is just to remember that this is not all men, and we just need to keep looking for the ones who best fit our lifestyle and what we’re looking for – because hey, maybe some women like a guy who lives at home and plays video games!

I want to know something special about the city you live in? What is the food scene and why should we visit?

I live in Boston, MA – known for our sports teams for sure! As a foodie myself, there are some great spots in Boston. Depending on your taste, the North End is a must for Italian food. Especially the famous Mike’s Pastry for dessert! Boston is filled with a range of cuisine, so it’s sure to please any pallet.

Do you feel the pressure to always be perfect? Are the media and magazines putting that pressure on you?

I think as women, we always feel pressure to be perfect to some degree. It’s difficult to not compare yourself to the models on Instagram (even though they’re most likely photoshopped anyway), celebrities, or even just our peers. It has become ingrained in us that we need to look “pretty” to society’s standards, or we are somehow “less than”. But, I believe that as a society we are working to combat this narrative and encourage body diversity.

Besides physically, I think we as women feel the pressure to have everything together all the time. Our job, social life, family time, sleep, exercise schedule, nutrition, etc. have to all be on point 24/7. It’s exhausting! I think we need to take the pressure off ourselves and just start doing what makes us feel good and what works for us. Easier said than done, but hopefully, a goal that can be reached at some point.

I want to know how writing has helped you? I find it cathartic.

Writing has always been my form of therapy. Ever since I was little I would write fictional stories and poetry, and as I got older it turned into my travel blog when I studied abroad, and now my women’s empowerment blog. It has allowed me to express myself in a way that I haven’t been able to otherwise. It has also allowed me to form new connections and help people with topics that no one really wants to talk about. Writing will always be my number one passion, and I don’t see a day where I will ever stop, as it is what makes me who I am.

The post Selena Frongillo: The Pressure To Be Perfect appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank.  Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses,  our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be.  This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment.   The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries.  Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker.  My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ.  With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?  

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes,  the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature.  Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear.  How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be.  How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience.  Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings.  The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?    

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices.  Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?    

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success.  Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us.  As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

We all need help in our lives.

Life is full of challenges. No one escapes it.

I truly believe that everything that happens to us is ten percent. Ninety percent depends on if you get up and face the reality of life.

For many of us, 2020 will go down as the worst year of our lives.

In 2020, my wife got diagnosed with cancer, I faced unemployment, a friend committed suicide and both my parents are 83.

When we are faced with a challenge, the easiest thing to do is crawl and hide. I wanted to do that. I did not want to ask for help. I was challenged to ask for help. The response to my help was overwhelming.

People started driving Debbie to her appointments for chemo, radiation, and other appointments. Friends and neighbors made sure we were fed. People were lining up to repair our fence. Women would give my daughter makeup and all kinds of goodies.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. As we enter 2021, I strongly recommend that if you are facing issues that you get help. It will be a game-changer in your life.

Hannah Siller has a Master of Science in Counseling with an Emphasis in Trauma and Crisis (MC). She is a life coach and also blogs on many issues covered here in this interview. I have learned a lot from her blog as she goes into details on various topics covered in this interview.

Hannah, welcome to Four Columns. I want to know something important about you?

Mental health is my life. I have a master’s in counseling with an emphasis in trauma and crisis and am currently a doctoral candidate in psychology (PsyD.). This passion was born from my own struggle growing up in an abusive home and suffer from complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My main goal in life is to make sure that everything I went through was not in vain. I have done this through my experience as a clinical counselor and by educating others about mental health and raising awareness of trauma with my blog and public speaking. The trauma will never go away but if I can help others then that is enough.

Talk to me about what is life coaching? What is your approach as a life coach?

Life coaching is the basic level of support a person can get with the difficult things that life throws at us. It is mostly for people with situational distress such as divorce, career changes or to help manage personally viewed flaws like organization and improving communication skills. I personally have a background in clinical therapy/counseling, so my approach is very similar to traditional mental health support. Nonjudgment is my number one goal. I’m here to help the client find the best of them possible. Only they will know what that looks like. I like to think of myself as a dream maker. Helping them find their dream and get there.

I get confused between a life coach and a counselor. Is there a difference?

There is a huge difference between Coaching and traditional therapy/counseling! The biggest difference is diagnosis. Only a licensed therapist/counselor can diagnose an individual. This is important because if they cannot diagnose, they can also not treat an individual. Therefore, they cannot work with a client that NEEDS diagnosis and treatment. This limits their scope of practice to issues not in the diagnostic manual (DSM-5).

Can: Stress, non-clinical anxiety, life changes, health, and career.

Can’t: Depression, trauma, clinical anxiety, Bipolar disorders, and so on.

I got laid off, lost two of my closest friends, the wife got diagnosed with cancer, all in a short time? How do you help someone in a situation like that?

The foundation of a situation like this is going to be grief. There is a lot of loss hitting all at once and in a variety of different ways. Not only will this individual need to vent and process all of the changes they are experiencing but they will need to sort out the questions of what next? This might look like finding new forms of support systems, learning self-care techniques to cope, gaining access to resource information to help manage the bigger situations like job and wife’s medical needs, and assessing personal emotional state.

I want to know how we can use patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, charity, unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness in being allies of mental health?

Being an ally for mental health comes down to empathy. Rather than judgment, we can try to understand the things that others struggle with. Through empathy, we find the motivation to learn about things we don’t understand in order to understand it better. Through empathy, we are more willing to practice patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, charity, unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness. Empathy allows us to care for others as we would care for ourselves. When we can do this, we can be an ally the world needs.

How important are eating, sleeping, and self-care as part of our health?

Mental health and physical health go hand in hand. When we don’t take care of our mental health our physical health suffers. We have less desire to eat healthy, exercise, and take care of ourselves. Likewise. When we don’t take care of our physical health it can actually impact our mental health increasing the chances of developing depression and lower self-esteem.

In the last couple of years, what are you noticing about your patients?

The main pattern I have noticed is a decrease in people’s knowledge about self-care and emotional regulations. I would say half of my sessions are focused on teaching breathing techniques, education, and problem-solving self-care options, and helping clients learn how to manage their emotions in a positive way.

What is your Fav Disney movie?

Lion King (animated) although Belle is my favorite Disney Princess.

Why are you fascinated with Harry Potter?

I grew up in an abusive home at the same time that the Harry Potter books were released. These books became my escape. As I got older the books got darker and more serious just as I myself was coming to terms with the abuse I had faces. The subject of grieving the pain of things lost was huge. Harry took a horrible tragedy and accepted his fate in all of it. In the end, he was stronger because he chose to love and forgive rather than giving into pain that should have broken him.

Why do you like Star Wars?

Princess Leia was the first strong female role model I was exposed to. This left a lasting impact on me. Plus, lightsabers are cool, and Harrison Ford is in it and I’m obsessed with Indiana Jones.

I want to know some of your favorite books? 

The Harry Potter series followed closely by Pride and Prejudice and Little Woman.

What do you like about gaming?

I have been playing Dungeons and Dragon-type games for almost 10 years, not counting the brief encounter I had in high school. There is something very therapeutic about this type of gaming. Being part of a group that counts on your contribution, having a similar goal you have to work together to achieve, plus the pure creative joy. In D&D you get to be the hero. So much of my own struggle and positive qualities come through in your characters. It is a beautiful experience.

What is your favorite object to photograph?

My absolute favorite type of photography I have ever done is starscapes. But since I rarely have access to several thousand-dollar specialized telescopes I usually photograph my second favorite subject, nature. Although recently most of my effort has been dedicated to my niece and have become my sister’s private photographer.

Is writing cathartic for you?

I write a great deal about my own struggle with mental health as well as my childhood trauma and abuse. With subject matter like this it can actually be incredibly stressful and draining. I don’t do it because the act brings me joy and relaxation. I do it because I have the ability to make a difference with my story and knowledge. Helping others, that’s what makes it worth it.

What are your current projects?

I have two major projects currently active.

The first is my personal blogging project “Diary of a Trauma Survivor.” This project focuses on my own story of childhood abuse and discusses the way trauma impacts our lives. The goal of this project is education and awareness. For so long trauma, especially abuse, has been a taboo subject. With this has come an increase in stigma and a decrease in the intervention. Through my story, I hope to help those who struggle with trauma as well as help those without experience to understand.

My second project is called the This Is Me Mental Health Representation Project. This is a collaboration project that is open to all forms of creative expression that depict what mental health means. The goal of this project is to raise awareness of the mental health struggles that everyone faces. Since not all those struggles are writers this project uses a unique approach of allowing artists and poets to participate. Don’t consider yourself creative? Interview questions are also available for those who have a story to share but not sure how to start.

The post Helping people find their dream appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong – Mahatma Gandhi

To err is human, to forgive, divine – Alexander Pope

Romance to ruin

It was my tenth wedding anniversary. I was excited to have made it this far.

As we celebrate in a fine dining restaurant on the Mayan Riviera, I ask Debbie how we are doing as a couple. I love asking Debbie this question. You see, in the last decade, she had never criticized me. On the other hand, if I ask my daughter how I am doing as a father, I always get a list of things I need to work on.

I am excited. Debbie will tell me that I have been sensitive, gentle, romantic and will thank me for bringing us to this amazing resort. The ego is waiting to be fed.

‘Jerry, I have to be honest with you about something. The first is that you are a lousy sleeper. The second is that every time we hang around certain people, you are not the same person for a week.

‘Wow! Wow! Wow! Hold on a minute…what do you mean I am a lousy sleeper?’

‘Well, it takes you an hour for you to go to sleep. You are always twisting and turning. And even when you sleep it feels like you are fighting someone’.

‘OK, OK, I get it. What about the second comment?’

Debbie names a few people.

Walk on the beach

In life, have you ever felt like someone has put a knife inside you? How about when they turn it and sprinkle salt and vinegar on the wound? That is how I was feeling.

After dinner, I took a long walk on the beach.

As the waves were fighting the gravitational pull of the earth and the moon, I was fighting what Debbie just told me.

However, it did explain something. All my life I have always felt tired. I have never pulled an all-nighter in my whole life. Debbie was so true about some of the names she mentioned.

I had to do something about it.

Around this same time, 7 men involved in my wedding got divorced. We also had a reunion from St. Andrews in New York and a classmate who lives less than an hour’s drive never showed up. After two years of planning, a university reunion did not occur because people could not decide which hotel to stay at.

Face to face with forgiveness

Keep in mind, that hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain they have some unresolved issues. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily – Joel Osteen

I am in Dr. Lin’s office. I told her about the talk I had with my wife. She asks me a few questions about my past. After an hour, we come to a mutual decision that I need help. I made a request about what kind of shrink I want (the control freak in me).

My first appointment with Coleen resulted in me talking about how many friends I had. She tells me that if anyone has more real friends than their fingers, there is an issue there. I learned not to try to impress her anymore.

It was a long, painful, difficult process. For the first three years, I came monthly.

We talked about unconditional love, abandonment, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, dealing with issues, taking people where they are at, being broken, and forgiveness.

Dealing with the reality

I am a perfectionist, have unrealistic expectations of people, am prideful, impatient, ungrateful, co-dependent on people, and am looking for love in all the wrong places and wrong people.

I was driving my wife nuts. She would clean the whole home, and mow the lawn, Jean was in bed, and dinner was waiting for me. But I had to pinpoint that one piece of stain on the hardwood.

I had unrealistic expectations from my friends that they had to be as loyal as I was to them.

I was arrogant that I was working on Bay Street.

I was driving myself crazy that I had not made it to Vice President at 35.

I graduated from one of the best high schools on the planet. I got honors from the best hotel school in the world. I do not smoke, drink or do drugs. Porn, that is for losers who do not get the real stuff. Me broken, never. I had to come in touch with me being broken.

I had to come in touch with my own criticism and negativity, deep-rooted from my own insecurities.

I had a bad temper and was impatient.

I could not spell being grateful and forgiving.

I had kept a record of wrongs for a long time.

I did not have boundaries in my life.

As I continued to talk, email, and write letters to those who hurt me, it was like a whole burden had come off.

I was sleeping better, happier, and became a better husband and father.

What is forgiveness

Forgiveness is the willful and purposed process by which a victim undergoes a radical change in emotions, awareness, and perspective towards an offense and does not believe in being vengeful or wants compensation from the offender and wishes the offender well.

Forgiveness does not mean we condone, excuse, forget, pardon (legal), or seek reconciliation from the offender.

Research has shown that forgiving other people is better for your health.

Am I perfect today? No. I still struggle with many issues and am more aware of them. I make fun of my perfectionism. If someone is rude or cuts me on the highway, I try not to take it personally.

I promise you I am not the same person that I was five years ago.

I warn you not everyone will be happy with this new you. You will gain and lose some relationships. Not everyone is comfortable with change.

As you read this article, please call someone who has hurt you or you have hurt. Forgive the other person. Trust me you will come out ahead. Write to me about how this process has helped you.

The post To err is human, to forgive, divine appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Healthy anger, healthy boundaries, and healthy eating are a holistic approach to life.  Valerie is a chiropractor, a great listener, and helps patients deal with the effects of lifelong stressors and traumas like abandonment, financial stress, bullying, divorce, immigration, and codependence. These can have a negative impact on a patient’s current health issues.

In this interview, we go into detail on expressing healthy anger, the importance of healthy boundaries, attachment to safe people, eating healthy, and pursuing a passion. Dr. Fitzpatrick gets real, vulnerable, and honest about her own challenges in understanding some of these issues. Relax, have your favorite drink, and read this interview a couple of times. Please comment on what made sense to you in this interview, and if there is anything else you want Valerie to cover in our next interview. 

Valerie, talk to me about the importance of expressing healthy anger. Please explain? 

Yes, expressing anger can be so healthy for the mind and the body.  Anger is often maligned, regarded as a bad or negative emotion. People often repress it, deny that it is even there, or hold it in for so long that they become sick. I have learned that expressing anger and getting it out can be healthy. I am not talking about acting out your anger, which is not healthy.  Acting out hurts others and does nothing to actually discharge or reduce your stress. Repression of anger hurts your body and has actually been linked to some cancers and some autoimmune diseases. A great book on this topic is “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress” by Dr. Gabor Maté.

When I was going through a very challenging time in my life, it was a huge breakthrough for me to recognize the anger that I had, and to start expressing it in a healthy way. Discovering my anger really put a fire back in my soul. There were obviously some things that I couldn’t change for myself and my daughter, but there were some things that I still had control over. Anger helped me take my power back. I didn’t want to live in quiet resignation or as a victim.

Really there are no bad emotions, just badly expressed emotions. The therapist Dr. Joann Peterson said that anger is the energy Mother Nature gives us as little kids to stand forward on our own behalf and say I matter. She said that the difference between the healthy energy of anger and the hurtful energy of emotional and physical violence is that anger respects boundaries. Standing forward on your own behalf does not invade anyone else’s boundaries. She wrote a great little book called, “A Book about Anger, Boundaries and Safety”.

I liked that you mentioned the importance of healthy boundaries and attachment to safe people. What did you mean by those comments?

These were important lessons for me, and I think for a lot of people. Especially if you have lived with manipulative, abusive or unpredictable people.  To stay healthy emotionally and physically we need healthy boundaries and a sense of autonomy. Dr. Gabor Maté also talks about this in his book. It can be very helpful to ask yourself if you are doing unnecessary things for others? Are you feeling resentful as you help others? Do you know where your responsibilities end, and where the other person’s responsibilities begin? Basically, do you know where your boundaries lie?

It is a wonderful thing to help someone else when they are burdened, but we don’t need to take on their loads or responsibilities. Now I let God be God for me, and I let God be God for others. I am learning to live and let live. I am learning to let others have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. It is not my responsibility to protect and shield everyone from discomfort or consequences. Protecting them may be preventing them from a valuable learning experience. I found the “Boundaries” series of books, by Dr.’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend to be very helpful.

To stay healthy, we also need a connection with safe people. “What is a safe person?”, you may ask. A safe person will not jump to conclusions about you, they will not be quick to judge, they will give you permission to be human and still feel lovable, they will speak the truth, and they will allow you to speak your truth as well, and they will want more and better things for your life. If you start to realize that someone is manipulative or unsafe, you can lovingly detach.

As a healthcare professional give me some advice on how to eat healthily?

Eating healthy is a contentious topic! I have my academic studies in nutrition, my ongoing reading of the research, and my personal experience. I have followed so many eating programs myself, and I have seen the results of different eating plans with my patients. I have come to realize that diet is very personal. There is no one plan that is going to work for everyone. There is a lot of dogma out there, and there are a lot of extreme diet systems that are just not sustainable or are just not suitable for everyone or at every stage of life. Sure, a certain diet may cause your complexion to be radiant or your clothes to fit better – but if you can’t form a coherent sentence, or your hair is suddenly falling out, you are not getting enough nutrients. There are so many different diet guidelines out there: eating for your blood type, veganism, vegetarianism, the Paleolithic diet, the raw food diet, the ketogenic diet, low FODMAP diet, low lectin diet, whole food plant-based diet, anti-inflammatory diet, etc. etc.  Each diet guideline may have its merits, but each of us is a product of our genetics, our environment, the eating patterns of our ancestors, and our own past or current illnesses. It can take a lot of trial and error to find out what works for you and your health goals eg. gaining muscle mass, losing fat, regulating blood sugars, reducing seizure frequency, reducing joint inflammation and pain. In a sense, a choice of diet should be mindful, intuitive, and flexible. If you get bloated or exhausted after certain foods or your joints are stiff and painful you may want to make some changes to your diet.  Certain food may be regarded as ‘healthy’, but it may not be healthy for you and your constitution, it may trigger some sensitivities for you. You may want to generally follow a diet plan but modify it for yourself, depending on how you feel. We don’t need rigidity or judgment about diet.

In our home we eat a pesco-vegetarian diet; we eat a lot of plant-based whole foods and have ocean fish about twice per week.  I originally switched to a vegetarian diet 28 years ago, but after a few months found it difficult to concentrate, so I added fish back into my diet. In the past 28 years, there have been two times where I added a little meat back into my diet for a few weeks because I was really feeling depleted and even having dreams about bacon!  So weird!

As a chiropractor, I don’t talk about meal plans very much but mostly give advice about increasing the good fats and oils which have an anti-inflammatory effect and reducing the bad fats which can increase inflammation and pain.

Please talk about the importance of pursuing your passions?

I think it is so important to ask yourself “What did I love doing when I was 10 years old?’”

What was your first passion, before the world got its hands on you? Did you love reading, drumming, writing poetry, gardening, scrapbooking, songwriting, playing guitar, dancing, acting, photography, makeup, making model trains, drawing action heroes, pottery, crochet? As humans, it is in our nature to create; it doesn’t matter if we can make a career of it. We can find affirmation of our sense of Self and we can boost our health through creativity and pursuing a passion. This is especially important for most women, a way of staying connected with the female soul. A long but worthwhile read is “Women Who Run with the Wolves”, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. Creativity in any form can be therapeutic. It does not have to be pretty, impressive, appreciated, or understood by others. An inspiring read is “Art is a Way of Knowing; A guide to self-knowledge and spiritual fulfillment through creativity”, by Pat B. Allen.

I had loved art from childhood into my twenties, taking art and pottery courses, and painting for many hours at a time.  When I was going through a challenging time in my life a few years ago, I thought about art again, but I thought it was too late to start back, too much time had passed, and I probably didn’t have the ability anymore. I didn’t have time, and I was too busy already. I checked my art supplies and found that most of my old brushes were brittle and wrecked, and my paints had dried up. It would cost hundreds of dollars to re-stock everything. But then that new fire in me, told me “It’s now or never!”.

Obstacles will present themselves. I have learned to expect them, then find a way to deal with then.  It can be difficult to start; I totally get it. I went to the art store to buy supplies. Insecurity set in. I felt ridiculous:  a middle-aged suburban mom, at the art store where all the staff were in their early twenties with facial piercings and edgy outfits. There were new art products and mediums I had never seen before, and I didn’t know how to use them.  But the staff were great and encouraging. I bought new supplies and slowly started painting for a friend. My art skills were so rusty, but I persevered. I felt that I needed even more motivation, so I submitted some of my old art pieces for a local juried art show and got accepted! It was the push I needed to get over my creative hurdle.

So, I made some new paintings, I participated in the art show, I made new friends, I sold three paintings, and I made enough money to cover the cost of the art supplies I had just purchased. Since that time, I have taken three college courses at the Haliburton School of Art and Design and two courses with a local artist whom I admire very much.   I have learned spiritual and life lessons through my art instructors. My daughter and I have held two art shows in our home, inviting many friends and neighbors.  Regardless of whether a painting sells or not, it is wonderful to see a person connect with the art. I am happier and feeling more whole. I have made art on days that I felt completely frustrated, days I felt hurt, and days when I felt overflowing joy. Art has been my therapy and my means of self-expression. Spending time or money on your passion is never wasteful or silly.  Amazing things can happen to your mood and your health when you let go of the need for results, or perfection, or payment in an area of your life – when you do something just for the sake of following your passion.

The post Healthy Anger, Boundaries & Eating appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Self-care for women involves taking intentional actions to prioritize and maintain their physical, emotional, and mental well-being. It’s important to note that self-care is a personal and individualized concept, and what works for one person may not necessarily work for another.

Regular Exercise: Engage in activities that you enjoy, whether it’s going to the gym, practicing yoga, dancing, or taking a walk.

Healthy Eating: Nourish your body with a balanced diet that includes a variety of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains.

Adequate Sleep: Ensure you get enough restful sleep each night to support overall health and well-being.

Mindfulness and Meditation: Practice mindfulness or meditation to reduce stress and promote mental clarity.

Therapy or Counseling: Consider seeking professional help if needed to address emotional concerns or life challenges.

Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings as a way of processing emotions and gaining insight into yourself.

Set Goals: Define personal and professional goals and work towards achieving them.

Learn Something New: Pursue a hobby or learn a new skill that interests you.

Read for Pleasure: Take time to read books or articles that you find enjoyable and fulfilling.

Quality Time with Loved Ones: Spend time with friends and family who uplift and support you.

Establish Boundaries: Learn to say no and set boundaries to protect your time and energy.

Cultivate Friendships: Foster positive relationships with individuals who share similar interests and values.

Pamper Yourself: Treat yourself to a spa day, a massage, or a relaxing bath.

Enjoy Nature: Spend time outdoors and connect with nature, whether it’s a hike, a walk in the park, or simply sitting in a garden.

Unplug: Take breaks from technology to disconnect and recharge.

Positive Affirmations: Practice positive self-talk and affirmations to build self-esteem.

Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small.

Forgive Yourself: Be kind to yourself and let go of self-criticism.

Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s an essential aspect of maintaining overall health and well-being. It’s about recognizing and meeting your own needs so that you can better navigate the various demands of life. Adjust these suggestions based on your personal preferences and circumstances.

Self-care means taking good care of yourself. It is also about being kind to yourself and practicing self-compassion. However, not everything like drugs, alcohol, over-eating, or risk-taking that feels good is self-care. There is a big difference between self-care and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Self-care is good for you and has long-term benefits for the mind and the body. I catch up with Nadine and discuss self-care.

Nadine, thanks for connecting with me on social media. Please tell my audience something important about you?

Hi Jerry…I am pleased to be here. I am quite honored to have been blessed with this opportunity!  I come from a very small town in northern Saskatchewan where I grew up on a cattle/grain farm. I am the eldest of 4 siblings. I/we were raised to know right from wrong, always be honest, stand up for the truth, and what you believe in, and listen to your gut instinct, that first instinct will never steer you wrong. I was almost eaten by a mother pig when I was about 6 twisted my ankle at the age of 8 and thrown from a horse at about 12.  I am a Scorpio.

The most important thing that I can tell anyone that meets me or is around me, is that I am not what some people expect me to be.  I tend to have to find my way to make things seem right for me. I think in 3D, just because sometimes the answer looks obvious to some of us, sometimes there is always more than one way to look at something.  I like to march to the beat of my drum.

Talk to me about your blog. What is it about and who are you trying to reach?

My blog started as a place for me to let my emotions out. It is about self-care. I felt like I needed a bit of anonymity that Facebook could not give me.  I also knew I was at a crossroads, sort of, I knew where I had been, what I had done to overcome certain issues that arose in my life and I knew where I was going.  I started this blog as a place for me to share the journey I had been on and how I decided to take life into my own hands through self-care activities.  I was tired of allowing life to happen to me.  After some time to teach myself and my hubby how to talk positively to ourselves and learn to live life again, I felt that there were other people out there in this world who could relate to that.  After almost losing my hubby due to a heart attack, to losing his young daughter, to a move, the inability to find a job, to finding a job in another town and me moving again, to almost losing my hubby again and him having a quadruple bypass. I quickly learned that I had a choice and that choice was going to be positive and I was going to start living again.

We live with the fact that he may not be around in the next 10 years but we cherish the moments every day that we have.  We all have the same 3 choices in life…give up…..give in……give it all you’ve got…..and I know which one I am choosing. I guess I am trying to reach anyone in life that is struggling at this very moment, bad stuff happens in life that we do not always have control over but everything happens for a reason and it is our job to see what the lesson is in every situation even when the lesson is unclear.

I was reading your blog and you have been through a lot. Help me understand some of these challenges you have been through and how you have overcome them?

Let’s chat about challenges…I did touch a bit above I think…..so when my hubby had his first heart attack, we spent almost an entire day waiting to stabilize him so he could be airlifted to a bigger, more capable center, and our life changed drastically, everything from the groceries I bought to the food we ate, that was entirely for his health but as I look back now, choosing to switch out a lot of our eating habits has helped us hugely.  With the loss of his daughter, I would say I will probably never understand that except for the fact that she probably taught me to love more openly and wholly, we never know when someone will leave this earth and this is something that maybe I had to learn the hard way but it has definably softened my character. When we purchased our second home in another town for his work, I did not have the opportunity to move any time soon, we had to sell our first home before I could move, that took a few years and when I finally did move, I was unable to find a job.  Fast forward a bit from there, I moved back to the town we sold our first home in and have been working back there for the last 5 years, at some point we will hopefully be reunited back in the same town and under the same roof.  Throughout all of the challenges I could have chosen to lay down and stay surrounded by a dark cloud and the negative thoughts, but I was not about to let that happen to either one of us.  This is the time when Essential Oils walked into our lives and they helped our healing journey tremendously as well. Oddly enough, I live in a 21′ camper in a nonelectrical campsite all summer long and I love it!! Life does not get any better than that! 

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

To me, I think women’s Empowerment means being able to take life into your own hands.  Being able to get up in the morning and feel organized…. feels like a million bucks!!  Whether that is through uplifting quotes, a tip from me on how to organize your to-do list, a simple ‘looking good’ post, affirmations, journal tips, or self-esteem builders, for me, building my confidence was key!  I tried several things and altogether I found a routine that has worked for me and it always comes back to having the courage to change and the accountability to be courageous, not just for yourself but for others as well.  We all struggle but if I can help lessen the struggle. then I am doing what I set out to do.

My mission statement for my page is ‘To empower myself and others to live a confident, abundant life with authenticity, honesty, and integrity.

How have marriage and motherhood made you different?

Honestly, I am not married but I have been with the same amazing man for 20 years, this year.  We have no children together but we did raise his girls for some years.  I think walking the tightrope of the stepmother is a tough role but rewarding just the same. I am not sure what else I can say in this department.

I find writing very cathartic. How about you? How has writing helped you?

Yes, writing has helped me let go of some of the things I was struggling with inside.  It makes a lot more sense when I can write it out…. almost like a counseling session for me. It is self-treatment.

Do you also work besides blogging on self-care treatments?

Yes, I work full-time as a prep cook in a train station restaurant. I also run an essential oil business.

What have been some of the challenges you have faced as a blogger?

As for challenges, I want to say it has been finding followers but every good thing happens at the right time, exactly as it is supposed to.  Plus, the SEO thing still boggles me but when I write from the heart, that’s not a top concern of mine.

How has faith, food, finance, and family made a difference in your life?

For me, I don’t want to say I do not believe in God. I believe there is a God or guidance out there of some sort and he or she works in mysterious ways but always has my best interests at heart.

Food has played a major role in our home. I have always been a vegetable eater, hubby, not so much but we have been able to switch out healthier choices where we can.  Finance has made a difference for me in how I budget and again, I learned the value of budgeting at a very young age, we were a farming family so we had struggles in the early years when you are starting a farm and a young family all at the same time, even though I was young I understood.  Family, I think family is who has shaped the person I am today in terms of instilling values as those are quite often learned in the early years, we have the ability to shape ourselves throughout life but the foundation is laid down in the early years.

If there is one piece of advice you have for my audience what would that be?

If I could give someone one piece of advice, it would be to take every day in stride and not spend too much time dwelling on the small stuff, even when you may think at the time, it is really big.

In the whole scheme of things, all that energy you are spending worrying about is not doing anyone any good.  The solution will come, you will learn to breathe and make it through whatever situation it is.  A few months ago I ran a 3 Day Self Love Photo Challenge, and in this challenge, there was a task every day…the basis is to post a photo of yourself with an explanation for whatever the daily task is, and one day’s task was to post a photo of yourself when you were younger and then explain a few positive, life-affirming things that you would like your younger self to know.  It was an amazing experience and every time I do it, the participants learn a lot and I do as well.  But the biggest takeaway women took from this challenge is the fact that we all struggle, we are all women, but when we learn that we all struggle at one point or another, and we as a society can really work together and understand what each is going through, we can become united.  The one thing that hit home for some of these women is judgment and how easy it is to judge ourselves and others and sometimes we do not even realize we are doing it. So do take care of yourself. Self-care is important.

The post Self-care appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.