Amazing mental health is crucial, essential, and valuable for women.

Mental health is an integral and intrinsic part of overall well-being. It encompasses emotional, psychological, and social well-being. When mental health is prioritized, women are better equipped to cope with life’s challenges, build positive relationships, and lead fulfilling lives.

There is a strong connection between amazing mental and physical health. Poor mental health like depression and anxiety can negatively impact physical health and vice versa.

Amazing mental health contributes to a higher quality of life. It enables women to experience and enjoy life to the fullest, engage in meaningful activities, and maintain a positive outlook. Mental health affects one’s ability to think, concentrate, and make decisions. When mental health is compromised, cognitive functions can be impaired, leading to decreased productivity and difficulty in daily functioning. Good mental health fosters resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks and be resilient.

I want to empower you by taking care of your mental health. I am going to list 11 things to axe from your life for amazing mental health.

Before I list the 11 things I want to introduce you to a new word cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance refers to the discomfort or tension that arises when there is a discrepancy between one’s beliefs, attitudes, or values and their actions or other beliefs. It’s a psychological phenomenon that people may experience when they encounter information that challenges their existing views. It is undesirable because it can lead to stress and internal conflict.

Recognizing cognitive dissonance can be an opportunity for personal growth and learning. It may prompt women to reevaluate their beliefs, consider alternative perspectives, and make adjustments to align their thoughts and actions more cohesively. Excessive or chronic cognitive dissonance may contribute to stress and mental health challenges.

Avoid Unhealthy Relationships

An unhealthy relationship is characterized by patterns of behavior, communication, and dynamics that are detrimental to the well-being of one or both individuals involved. While relationships naturally have ups and downs, unhealthy relationships often involve persistent negative patterns that can be emotionally, mentally, or even physically harmful. The signs of an unhealthy relationship include a lack of communication, manipulation, and control, lack of trust, constant criticism, isolation, abuse, unresolved conflict, disregard for boundaries, and unequal power dynamics.

Living in an unhealthy relationship can have a significant impact on your well-being and overall quality of life. Recognize the signs, get help, set boundaries, communicate openly, prioritize your well-being, create a safety plan, and know when to walk away.

Do not hold on to regrets

Regrets are often tied to negative emotions such as guilt, shame, or disappointment, and carrying them with you can hinder personal growth and happiness.

Accept your past mistakes, choices, decisions, and actions. Take responsibility for them. Acceptance is the first step towards healing. Instead of dwelling on the regret, focus on what you can learn from the experience. Reflect on the situation, identify what went wrong, and think about how you can make better choices in the future.  Understand that you are not perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Forgive yourself for the choices you made and recognize that you are capable of change and growth.

The past is unchangeable, but you have control over your present and future. Concentrate on making positive choices today rather than getting stuck in what cannot be undone. Understand that perfection is unattainable. Everyone makes errors, and what matters most is how you respond and learn from them. If your regret involves someone else, and it’s appropriate, consider making amends. Apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions can be a step towards closure. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. By focusing on positive actions and experiences, you can gradually shift your focus away from past regrets.

Avoid Negative Self Talk

Negative self-talk involves the persistent negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself, your abilities, and your worth. Over time, this can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. It’s important to be aware of your self-talk and make an effort to challenge and change negative thoughts. Question the validity of negative thoughts. Ask yourself if there’s evidence to support these thoughts or if they’re based on assumptions and misconceptions. When you identify a negative thought, replace it with a positive or more realistic one. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments.

Do not fear failure

Fear of failure prevents women from taking risks or trying new things. This fear can lead to a stagnant and unfulfilling life, as personal and professional growth often requires stepping outside of one’s comfort zone. Failure is a natural part of the learning process. It provides valuable feedback and insights that help women understand what works and what doesn’t. The constant fear of failure can erode self-confidence. Women who are overly focused on avoiding mistakes may become overly cautious and hesitant, undermining their ability to assert themselves and make decisions. Persistent fear of failure can contribute to stress, anxiety, and other mental health issues. The pressure to avoid failure at all costs can be emotionally taxing, leading to burnout and diminished overall well-being.

Embracing failures as learning opportunities and understanding that setbacks are a normal part of the journey can contribute to a more fulfilling and successful life.

Do not procrastinate

Procrastination can affect relationships, especially in collaborative settings where others depend on timely completion of tasks. Dependability and reliability are crucial in many social and professional contexts. Continuously procrastinating and failing to meet goals can undermine self-esteem. The cycle of procrastination followed by disappointment can create a negative self-perception. Developing effective time management and organizational skills, as well as addressing underlying issues that contribute to procrastination, can help mitigate its negative effects.

Embrace your flaws and brokenness

Acknowledging your flaws is the first step toward personal growth. It allows you to identify areas where you can improve and work towards becoming a better version of yourself. Recognizing your flaws increases self-awareness. This awareness is crucial for understanding how your actions and behaviors affect yourself and those around you. When you acknowledge your flaws, it shows humility and a willingness to learn and grow. This can strengthen your relationships with others, as people appreciate honesty and authenticity. Ignoring your flaws can contribute to conflicts. By acknowledging them, you open the door for communication and resolution. It demonstrates a commitment to addressing issues and finding solutions.

Flaws often indicate areas where you can learn and develop new skills. By acknowledging them, you create opportunities for continuous learning and improvement. Acknowledging your flaws can relieve the pressure of unrealistic expectations and allow you to embrace imperfections as part of the human experience. It’s a fundamental aspect of personal development, amazing mental health, and building meaningful connections with others.

Avoid irregular sleep patterns

Irregular sleep patterns are associated with an increased risk of mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. Sleep disruption can contribute to the dysregulation of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which play key roles in mood regulation. Chronic sleep disruption may contribute to long-term cognitive decline and an increased risk of neurodegenerative conditions. Irregular sleep patterns can disrupt the normal stress response, making individuals more vulnerable to the effects of stressors. This can lead to increased feelings of stress, irritability, and a reduced ability to cope with challenges. Sleep disruption can affect the balance of hormones in the body, including those that regulate stress (cortisol) and appetite (ghrelin and leptin). Adequate and regular sleep is crucial for emotional regulation. Sleep deprivation or irregular sleep patterns can lead to heightened emotional reactivity, increased irritability, and a reduced ability to manage and regulate emotions effectively.

If you are experiencing persistent sleep issues seek guidance from healthcare professionals for appropriate assessment and intervention.

Avoid Isolation

Women are social beings, and social interaction is crucial for mental well-being. Isolation deprives women of the emotional support, companionship, and sense of belonging that come from social connections.  Social interactions provide opportunities for emotional expression, sharing experiences, and receiving empathy. When isolated, women may struggle to express their emotions or find outlets for emotional release, which can contribute to increased stress and anxiety. Isolation can lead to a lack of cognitive stimulation, potentially resulting in boredom and a decline in cognitive function.

Prolonged isolation may lead to sedentary behavior, lack of physical activity, and disruptions in sleep patterns, all of which can have negative effects on both physical and mental health. Physical well-being is closely linked to mental well-being.

Avoid pursuing perfection

Perfection is often an unrealistic and unattainable goal. Setting overly high standards can lead to constant dissatisfaction and stress.

The relentless pursuit of perfection can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Constantly striving for an unattainable ideal can be emotionally draining. Perfectionism can affect interpersonal relationships if individuals impose unrealistic expectations on themselves and others, leading to dissatisfaction and conflict.

Striking a balance by setting realistic goals, embracing imperfections, and practicing self-compassion is crucial for a healthier approach to personal and professional development.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining amazing good mental health.

Establishing boundaries helps you prioritize self-care. It allows you to allocate time and energy to activities that promote your well-being, such as rest, relaxation, and personal interests. Without boundaries, you may find yourself constantly overwhelmed and exhausted. Setting boundaries communicates your values and limits to others, fostering respect in relationships. It helps you define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, ensuring that you are treated with dignity and consideration. This, in turn, contributes to positive self-esteem and self-worth.

Boundaries help maintain a healthy balance between different aspects of your life, such as work, relationships, and personal time. Striking this balance is essential for overall well-being and prevents one area from dominating your life at the expense of others. Establishing boundaries empowers you to make choices that align with your values and priorities. It allows you to take control of your life and make decisions that contribute positively to your mental health.

In summary, setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of self-care and maintaining good mental health. 

Avoid comparing yourself to other people

When you compare yourself to others, you may be setting unrealistic standards for yourself. People often present their best selves on social media or in public, which can create a skewed perception of reality. Comparing your behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel can lead to feelings of inadequacy. You might focus on your perceived shortcomings while overlooking your strengths and achievements. This can contribute to feelings of low self-worth and impact your overall mental well-being.

Every individual has a unique set of circumstances, experiences, and challenges. Comparing yourself to someone else neglects the fact that everyone’s life journey is different. What works for one person may not work for another, and measuring success solely based on others’ achievements can be misleading. Constant comparison often leads to negative emotions such as jealousy, envy, and resentment. These emotions can be detrimental to your mental health and may hinder your ability to build positive relationships with others.

To foster better mental health, it’s important to practice self-compassion, celebrate your achievements, and focus on your personal growth without constantly comparing yourself to others. Embracing your uniqueness and recognizing that everyone has their journey can contribute to a more positive and fulfilling mindset.

The post 11 things to axe from your life for amazing mental health appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Anjali Joshi is a mental health advocate. She loves “creating” and leading the journey of an idea from its inception. This can be for a product, service, or social enterprise. The written word is her best friend. She believes in the power of storytelling and that content is magic. She thinks quality trauma-informed Mental Healthcare is a human right and that’s what her mission as a human, who feels like an alien, is. She truly believes that community care is our only way forward. She is an ardent lover of exotic herbal teas!

Anjali wants to change the world one day at a time. She is all action and less talk. She walks the walk.

Anjali has taken the pain, grief, and suffering in her own life and has made it a catalyst to make a difference.

This world needs brave women like her. Women who do not accept the status quo. They rise above the masses and change our very current thinking.

Walk me through what wellness means. Is it a holistic approach to health?

This is a question I am yet to find an absolute answer to. Wellness for me is both individual and collective at the moment. For me, it’s critical to healing myself, my body, and my spirit. Just as important is the health of the planet. My health is not separate from what my environment is or how my community is. At the moment, being in the moment and bringing more presence is alive for me. In everyday life that translates into having peaceful moments for myself, eating well, giving back, doing meaningful work, moving my body, and having lighter moments in my everyday. I feel that increasingly, my body is asking me to be more holistic because that is the only way. We don’t exist in compartments and neither does our health!

I love the fact that you are a mental health advocate. We focus so much on our physical, financial, and spiritual health. However, mental health is equally important. What is a mental health advocate?

This question made me pause for a moment and reflect back on what it means to be a mental health advocate. I feel that I have been a mental health advocate long before I accepted the label for myself. A mental advocate is someone who is not necessarily a medical mental health professional but works towards the institutional issues surrounding mental health and debunking stigma. The origins of mental health advocacy lie in the human rights discourse. For me, this came alive after I lost my dad to suicide in 2015. Grief is strange. Even with all the pain, sometimes suffering, and anger, I felt that if I remained silent about mental health, I would not be able to breathe. I think my body/intuition/gut is my greatest compass and it guided me to start talking about this, gradually. The advocacy work right now is not my job, it sustains me.

For me, the mind-body division does not exist. It is one. Our mental health, physical health, financial health, spiritual health, and the health of our world are connected. My relationship with money changed from the day I started asking myself, “What is my relationship with money? What does it make me feel?”. This tied in with questions of happiness and the meaning of life and my place in it. These are not separate corners of our existence but are enmeshed in our lives. And of course, no one does it alone. I am a big proponent of therapy and community care. I feel that everyone deserves a safe space. It could be therapy, listening circles, a dance class or just spending time in nature. It is our responsibility in this world to heal ourselves so that everyone else also has the space to do the same.

There is a genetic component and circumstances component related to mental health. Can you please elaborate?

Yes. Increasing evidence and research do show that there is a genetic component and a circumstances component related to mental health. However, that is not to say that these two are opposites. This really comes back to understanding mental health from a well-rounded perspective. Mental health is being studied and understood from different vantage points. A science-based approach would look at genetic sequencing and a trauma-based experiential approach would look at intergenerational trauma from the experiences of people. Both have different modes of knowledge production and method but would come up with similar findings. I think it is within intergenerational trauma that we also witness circumstances being an important parameter. This becomes increasingly evident in cases of systematic oppression via race, gender, sexuality, caste, ability, etc. Our trauma or pain is not inherent to us but generated via circumstances outside of our control. Yet, it gets passed down through generations. That’s why we talk of breaking familial cycles which involve individual as well as collective healing. We are not separate from the world we inhabit. To anyone who is interested in understanding race, body, and intergenerational trauma, I highly recommend, Resmaa Menekam’s My Grandmother’s Hands.

Talk to me about your Ph.D. program and what is the end goal.

The Ph.D. program is another thing I do for myself. I love research and have some questions I want to engage with in-depth. The Ph.D. program gives me the structure and support I need to carry out the research. My work is based in the Central Himalayan region (my home), and potentially asks these very questions on health and wellness. I want to understand the social meaning of health. What health practices become “natural” to a place? How can we reimagine health in remote areas of the Central Himalayan region so that healthcare is more accessible and sustainable? I am studying the origins of modern medicine, how hospitals/clinics came to exist and how they have interacted with the regional specificities of a place. I hope to have some insight by the end of the Ph.D. Believe it or not, the Ph.D. is also just the beginning to be able to answer these questions.

Anjali you work for an organization that focuses on women empowerment? What is women’s empowerment?

Just like health, I feel that women’s empowerment is also multi-faceted. To different women in different places of the world, it could mean a different thing, with the common factor being that they have agency in their lives. I feel that women’s empowerment includes men too because when we let go of the shackles that hold us back and are free to be who want to be, all of us are liberated. We don’t create safe spaces just for ourselves but for everyone who needs it. I feel that women’s empowerment is not just about fighting together but also laughing and dancing together.

Share with me an idea that you had from conception and how you brought it into reality.

This is not an idea that I conceptualized but in my first full-time role at an NGO, I was asked to establish a club for adults with developmental disabilities. I had never done anything like this before but I am a courageous person, even if I lack the experience. I knew this back then too. Adults with developmental disabilities are often infantilized with little to no public spaces for them. Even if they go out, they are often met with stares and whispers, which can make anyone uncomfortable. But everyone needs fun in their life. Everyone has the right to recreation. The club came alive 3 months after I joined, and needed us to have a clear vision, budget, and the drive to get things done. It started with extensive research and as we started moving forward with every little step, we had neighbors who volunteered, and teammates who helped. There was construction work that needed to be done, especially keeping in mind motor disabilities. I remember, one freezing cold morning, I was overseeing construction and running around to get things done. When we launched the club with a concert and some poetry, all the smiles and the sheer joy, made it worthwhile. I am smiling even as I remember the moment

You love storytelling and believe in content. Help me understand how being authentic helps in telling stories.

I think this is a reciprocal process. Authenticity is not absolute and static. At any given point in space and time, our identities are fluid and contingent. The beauty of writing and storytelling is that the process alone offers avenues to introspect and verbalize our sense of self. It helps us build authenticity because there is clarity. So being authentic when you tell stories, if nothing else, makes it easier. It makes it easier to accept the vulnerable part of ourselves, to say that with all that we have been through, we are still here. To say that while the pain and trauma are a part of us, so is the joy you feel when you meet a friend after a long time or the tears you cry after reading words that perfectly sum up how you are feeling. It helps us bring out the beautiful spectrum of emotions we embody. We make stories and stories make us. This is how we find common ground even with our differences.

You are chosen to go to Mars. You can take only five things with you. Walk me through what you would take and why?

This is a fun one. I am assuming that basic survival needs are met and we have colonies on Mars. Given this context, here’s what I would take;

1-Seeds/Saplings and Mud- For the sheer joy of watching a plant grow and remembering home.

2- An Mp3 player- I can live without my phone but not without music.

3-A book- Maybe Jeanette Winterson’s Why be Happy When You Could be Normal? I can read this book multiple times and not get bored.

4- Art Supplies- For stress-busting and fun.

5- Some Himalayan Spices and Herbs- I have been raised by the mountains and I need this stuff to survive anywhere.

Anjali becomes the Prime Minister of India. Your party says in the next 30, 60, 90, 120, and 365 days, you need to tackle 5 issues. I am curious what you would choose and why?

1- Mental Health- I think we need changes on the policy level as well as in everyday life.

2- Disability Rights- I believe we all need to unlearn ableism for a better world.

3- Prison Reform- I think prison reform is one of the least understood but critical aspects of a good society.

4- Public Spaces and Art- I am not sure how else to put this but I think that we need more spaces, like parts, community centers, and immersive art experiences for inclusivity to happen organically. Play is a very powerful resource.

5- Health Equity- My work is devoted to health equity. I would want access to health to also include dealing with systematic injustices and barriers.

My dream is to have a community where we have a culture of belonging. A culture of belonging is created when everyone takes responsibility and participates.

Name me your favorite Indian dish. what is so special about it? I want the recipe.

I love “pahadi” (meaning mountain people) food.  This one is called Aaloo(Potato) ke Gutke. Here’s the recipe.

Ingredients:

• 4 Potatoes

• 2 teaspoon Mustard oil

• 1/4 teaspoon Red Chilli powder

• 1/8 teaspoon Coriander Powder (Dhania)

• 1/4 teaspoon Cumin seeds (Jeera)

• 1/4 teaspoon Turmeric powder (Haldi)

• 1 teaspoon Jambu (A Himalayan Herb)

• 2 Dry Red Chilli

• 2 pinch Asafoetida

• Salt, to taste

• Coriander leaves, to garnish

Instructions:

1-Boil the potatoes, peel them, and dice them.

2- Take a small bowl and mix coriander powder, red chili powder, and turmeric powder with 2 teaspoons of water.

3-Heat a frying pan with oil, and add cumin seeds, Jambu, asafoetida, and red chili. Let it cook for about 15 seconds.

4- Add the mixed masala(the mixture of coriander powder, red chili powder, and water) and salt. After 30 seconds add the potatoes and coat well with the masala. Let it cook for about 5 minutes.

5- Turn the heat off and garnish with coriander leaves.

The post Anjali Joshi: Mental Health Advocate appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I admire Sakshi Shrivastava.

Sakshi Shrivastava talks openly about her mental health and deals with it. Sakshi Shrivastava is real, vulnerable, unguarded, and answers without a stitch.

Is it any wonder that she has more than 30,000 followers on Linkedin?

Recently, a senior manager of communication for a non-profit asked how come I have so many followers on social media. This senior manager had a blog, a degree in communications, and had the title but no followers or readers on her site.

We can learn a lot from Sakshi Shrivastava. She does not make excuses. She has accepted the cards dealt to her. Give her a lemon and she makes lemonade. She has taken her empathy and compassion to another level by taking care of street dogs.

Sakshi has accepted her limitations and realized hey let’s become an entrepreneur.

In life when you are transparent, real, vulnerable, and speak from the heart, people are attracted to you.

As you read about Sakshi here is my call to action for you. How do you view your weaknesses? How do you deal with the cards that life has thrown at you? Do you become critical, and blame everyone else? Or do you look in the mirror and become empowered?

Sakshi, welcome to Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

While writing answers to your questions, I left this one for the last. I’ve been a little intimidated by this one, but let’s do this with one of the things I adore — lists!

1. I’m a 27-year-old mom of two adopted ex-street dogs
2. I’m the co-founder of a digital marketing agency
3. I’m an animal activist and co-founder of Paw People, on a mission to improve the lives of street animals
4. I’m a lefty
5. I have a tattoo of a book on my wrist and an honors degree in English Literature
6. I love lifting weights in the gym
7. I’m kind of a tech junkie, I love flashy new gadgets
8. I battled depression, anxiety, and burnout and continue to raise awareness around it
9. I love social media! I’m very active on LinkedIn and Instagram
10. I don’t understand poetry, but I like to pretend that I do

I love the name of your company Digital Curry. Talk to me about it. How did you come up with the idea?

I’m as desi (you might have to Google the term, it’s a Hindi word but I’m sure you can find a way to add it to your daily vocabulary) as it gets. Digital Curry is a flavourful brainchild born out of passion, spice, and everything nice. 

We wanted our business to represent the freshness we bring to the world of B2B marketing. Needless to say, we got a little ‘curried’ away and so, TDC came to life.

Walk me through the process of quitting your job and becoming an entrepreneur.

You know how there’s a feeling inside your heart telling you that you’re born to be an entrepreneur, to be your own boss, to live life on your own rules? Yeah, I didn’t have that at all. 

I always enjoyed my perfectly laid out KPIs, task lists, and limited liabilities. I loved the comfort of a steady paycheck every month. But after COVID hit, like a lot of other people I ended up with burnout. Couldn’t stand going to work at all and I had the privilege of leaving my job so I took the plunge.

I took a break for a month and started freelancing. In just a couple of months, the demand grew more than I could manage by myself so, my partner Abhishek quit his job too and joined in to build TDC with me and we officially launched in January 2022.

Help me understand your vision, mission, and unique value proposition. 

Love this question. Here’s the thing — we were both accidental entrepreneurs. We were never obsessed with the idea of building huge businesses and getting expensive exits down the line.

One thing we’ve always been passionate about is our love for dogs. We have two adopted dogs at home, they helped me through some of the most difficult phases of our lives. So we decided to find passion through the power of doing good. 

Ever since we built TDC, we have been using 10% (or more if needed) of all our top-line revenue to feed street dogs. It started with a handful of dogs and today, we feed about 60 street dogs daily. We’ve also rescued two dogs, and regularly take part in helping vaccinate and neuter them with local NGOs.

So, our vision is to scale TDC while working with brands that believe in the power of doing good. Business has to mean more than just making a profit. We want to work with brands that believe in doing more.

We plan on building our first dog shelter by the end of this year, followed by multiple others across the county. With TDC, we want to bring real change in real lives and we’ll move mountains to do it.  

As a women entrepreneur, do you face any cultural or gender bias?

So far, I haven’t noticed any significant difference between how I’m treated in comparison to how Abhishek (my male co-founder) is treated. All the people I’ve talked to have been respectful, and considerate, and did not treat me differently just because I’m a woman. 

Is women empowerment a buzzword? In your own words, what is women’s empowerment?

Yes and no. My understanding of it has evolved a lot over the last few years. For me, equality does not end with empowering modern women who are ready to fight for their rights. It has to be more inclusive than that. 

I now focus on building more inclusive ideas of gender equality, where there’s a place for trans-women, women from challenging financial circumstances, women to conform to the norms of society while empowering the next generation in their capacity, also men who face discrimination, and amongst others.

Women empowerment has been thrown around a lot, especially by huge corporations without a lot of actual groundwork. So, it’s a buzzword when it’s used as a buzzword. At the same time, I know many people from all different genders that are doing phenomenal work in bringing actual change in society.

In the Indian culture are you talking more about mental health? Or is it put under the carpet?

As a very vocal mental health advocate, I’ve seen both. Quick background about myself: I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in my last year of college, was on medication for almost two years and had a lot of therapy. Then had a burnout in 2020.

All of this has been pretty public on my social media. I’m very active on LinkedIn with a substantial readership, so I make a point to share my experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they are to share. This normalizes not being okay and more and more people open up.

We need to note that my background is still very privileged. My parents recommended I see a psychiatrist when I felt low, I could leave my job when I was burnt out, I could afford therapy, I could open up about my struggles and it did not affect my job.

This isn’t the case for everyone. So, I’ve been noticing a major shift in how we talk about mental health but at the same time, all of us live in a bubble. That bubble could be big or small, but we never get to see the actual vast spectrum of experiences others from different backgrounds have. 

Why is mental health not given the same importance as physical and financial health?

If I break my leg, I can’t hide it. People will know I have a broken leg. If I go bankrupt, people will know. If I’m depressed, I can smile it away and nobody will know unless I tell them.

There are many reasons contributing to the shushing of mental health, the stigma, the lack of understanding, the fear of judgment, and the cost to treat it. 

When I share my experiences with mental health, I get tons of comments from people publicly sharing their stories. At the same time, I also get a lot of DMs of people silently opening up about their struggles because they’re afraid their peers will see it and judge them.

I’m sure the narrative is changing very rapidly, but what we need to keep the momentum going is more inclusive conversations on a range of different platforms. Mental health is still an issue that many cannot even afford to think about. We need to make sure it does not end up becoming something that only privileged people know and care about.

I want to know something unique about your city and the food scene.

I’ve lived in 5 cities by now. So, we’ll need to do another piece about this question entirely if I go in depth about it but let me talk about Indian food. I pride myself on being a foodie and I’m happy to say that I live in heaven. From 5-star hotels to street food, it’s all a blessing. 

If you’re into sweet food, you’ll never leave India. If you’re into spicy food, I’m sure I don’t have to explain how India is the spice heaven of the world. If any of your readers decide to visit India, I hope they reach out to me, I’ll take them out to try the best food they can find!

I love your wicked sense of humor. So tell me a few jokes.

Haha, on the contrary, I’ll give you a very bland answer. 

I’m not a jokes person, you know? My humor is very situational. I’m the one who tells those jokes that if you weren’t there, they will mean nothing to you. I do like to think I’m funny, as much as my partner gets tired of my relentless puns and dad jokes, he’s told me one of the reasons he decided to spend his life with me is because I make him laugh. 

The post Sakshi Shrivastava: Digital Curry appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Being intentional is about taking responsibility, becoming focused, and targeting things that are important to you. In order to become intentional daily, you have to be clear about what you want to achieve and have a framework for how you are going to achieve it. It is about moving your life in a positive direction, making progress. Being intentional helps you be present, provides you with discipline, focus, mission, vision, framework, and a positive frame of mind.

Daily, be meticulous about your day, be crystal clear on the result, be determined, and practice time management, focus on what is important to you: friends, family, relationships, your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial health.

Brenda runs Ruby Hem Ministries. Brenda is real, vulnerable, and shares openly what she has faced and been through. We chat about how she has processed her experience, being intentional, and how she went about it.

Brenda, I am blown away by what you have experienced after reading your blog. Please share with my audience what you have been through.

I’m a Christian who’s found a true friend in God after having gone through a whole lot in my life, including:

Childhood trauma: I suffered from narcissistic parents who had no love for one another, so they couldn’t possibly offer me the close parental bond that children need. Instead, I would be punished with a leather belt and forced to eat certain foods if I dared step out of line. I was also expected to be the perfect child – the one who got good grades and did what I was told immediately, no questions asked

A sexually and verbally abusive ex who also forced me to work on cam and phone lines in the adult industry.

I was sucked into the occult where I worked reading Tarot cards for money.

As if these weren’t bad enough, I was also robbed at knifepoint one night; have been through several traumatic car accidents (e.g. spinning out during a snowstorm in front of an 18 wheeler; breaking my collar bone when we got into a car accident in a blizzard, and spinning around 3 times after being hit by a car and having Tokata airbags).

Walk me through how you overcame these challenges? Was there a process and do we really ever get over it?

I believe I’m still going through the process. It’s going to look different for every person. For me, after discovering that 40 years of avoiding the issues hasn’t helped me at all, I’ve finally found a Christian therapist who’s been able to shed some light on my life. I don’t think that I’ll ever get over everything. However, I do strive to be a better person each and every day. I think that’s a goal everyone should have regardless of whether or not you have mental health issues. Therapy will definitely play a major role here. Journaling also helps me some. I’m still looking to plug in other things to help along the way.

We can trust in God, read our bible, and pray about it. But we have to deal with issues and be intentional. I am sure it is a painful journey. Pls comment?

Right, I’m definitely not saying to not be intentional. In fact, this is something that many churches say. “Oh God will heal you.” “Oh just strengthen your faith.” Stuff like this doesn’t do anyone any good, especially those of us who’ve been through things that are of no fault of our own – which is what PTSD is. If I could be mind over matter and be healed, I’d love for that moment to happen. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in miracles but I also believe they happen in God’s timing. Until then I embrace myself as the person that I am and intentionally work with my therapist to become a better, more healed person.

Talk to me about kindness and how we can change the world by being kind?

Kindness is something anyone can choose to offer to the people around them. There’s a saying, “It only takes a spark to light a flame.” This is something that we see time and time again when people choose to pay the bill for another person, then that other person turns around and pays someone else’s bill and it continues down the line. There are so many ways in which you can be kind (hold a door, let another car out in front of you, do volunteer work) but whatever it is I believe you have to do it and encourage you to do so. At the end of the day we’re all human, why not make this journey through life a little nicer for each other.

You talk a lot about mental health. Why is it important to maintain our mental health?

Mental health is just as important as physical health but a lot of people don’t realize this. One example of this is people who are diagnosed with PTSD and leave it untreated oftentimes find themselves having other issues. For instance, in my case, my entire endocrine system has failed. However, I know a lot of others who have PTSD and have other health issues as well – chronic pain being quite common. This is why you need to take care of your mental health, it encompasses all other aspects of your health.

In your blog, you say get right with God and live for him. Please explain?

According to Romans 3:23, all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. This means we’re deserving of eternal death and damnation BUT (Praise be to God) Christ died for us. Fortunately in Romans 10:9-10 all we have to do is ask for forgiveness, confess that Jesus is Lord, be baptized, and start living for Him. We are then no longer judged and are given eternal life.

What could Christians do in times of COVID?

Christians shouldn’t sit by and idly watch as the world around them suffers. Go out and get involved in helping your community – this could be volunteering at an organization or something simple like paying for the car behind you in the drive-through or holding the door for someone. Don’t be afraid to say hi and be kind to people, we have a hope that non-Christians don’t understand: We’re saved and believe we’re going to Heaven.

The post Be Intentional In Dealing With Issues appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Emotional wounds are not the same as physical wounds.

My body is scarred with physical wounds. I played squash for 15 years. Every muscle, ligament, and bone was torn or sprained at some point. The family doctor and the physiotherapist told me to give it up and focus on swimming and walking. I have cuts, bruises, and gashes all over my body from years of being a boxer, playing soccer, and playing pranks. All the physical wounds have healed.

Emotional wounds, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Emotional wounds can result from watching a crime, bankruptcy, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, car accident, emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical abuse, death of a loved one, or any traumatic situation.  The symptoms are a change in personality, lack of joy, lack of interest in life, loneliness, anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and anxiety.

You have to become intentional in healing these wounds by assessing them, cleaning them, stitching them, bandaging them and taking care of them, and being aware of trigger points.

I am super excited to present Lesa Henderson to my readers.

Lesa Henderson is a dynamic, candid, inspirational speaker, minister, author, and filmmaker.

Her transparency and straightforward approach coupled with prophetic insight place her in great demand for conferences and churches.

Her passion for Christ and desire to see wounded women restored and healed through the power and love of God comes across in her books, blogs, sermons, and teaching. It has also led her to minister healing for soul wounds & emotional trauma of women in prison, as well as to lead Women Warriors of God Conferences around the nation; where she and the Warrior’s team are seeing countless women set free both physically and emotionally.

Lesa and her husband, Ken are revivalists who pastor Salt Life Church on Merritt Island, FL, where they also lead Cornerstone Global Ministries & Media and are the founders of Cornerstone School of Supernatural Ministry.

Lesa, a pleasure to have you. There is so much I want to ask you. Let’s start by talking about Christmas. I am a big fan of focusing on His Presence rather than presents. How is Christmas relevant to us in the 21st Century? 

I’m a big fan of focusing on that as well.  We live in such a commercialized, material world that it’s easy to lose that focus and get caught up in the shopping, spending madness.  This year we are celebrating Hannukah as well as Christmas, each night we light a candle we focus on inviting Christ – the light of the world to be a light in our home and lives.   Whatever you celebrate, it’s relevant when you make the focus be on Christ.  Especially now in this economy and the times we are living in.  It’s actually more relevant than ever I believe as we approach His soon return.

The world is hurting. COVID 19 has exacerbated the situation. You talk about giving your hurts, pains, and brokenness to God. Walk me through this process? Should I just read my Bible, trust God and pray about it? 

Yes.  It is that simple.  And yet as simple as this is – we struggle doing it.  Or at least I do.  It’s much easier for me to worry, fret and lose sleep over the hurts and pains.   But God really does want us to bring them to Him.  And reading the Word is one of the key steps in the process for me.  It reminds me of the truth – His Word is truth.  It helps me to overcome the fear and lies I am believing.  It reminds me of His faithfulness.  In my prayer time, I’m very honest with God – He knows anyway, so for example I may say, “Father I’m feeling right now like you don’t hear me or care about ________,  but I know that’s not true.  Your word says ______, Help me to stand on that and trust you.  Help my unbelief and rest in your promise and faithfulness.”  I may have to do this repetitively until I find peace or the problem is solved.

As I get older, I am learning to embrace pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is hard but important. As I read your blog and book, listen to your sermons and teaching, your DNA is all about helping wounded women through the love of God. Where do the wounds come from and how does His love restore women?

Wounds come from many areas, childhood traumas, broken relationships, marriage, even church.  But what I’ve found through ministering to thousands of women is that almost all wounds begin in our childhood.  The enemy starts early with his attack on us and he knows if he can plant lies in our mind about who we are (our identity) or about what we believe about our heavenly father we will carry those lies with us into relationships and they will hinder our walk with God.  But the Love of God is so powerful.  When we have a full revelation of the Father’s love for us, of how much He really is a good, good father it changes us.  It heals us.  I do a teaching on how daddy wounds from our childhood affect our relationship with God and the ability to believe how deeply He loves us and accept that love.

Give my female audience practical tips on motherhood and being a wife?

First, know or learn your worth as a daughter of the king. This will translate to how you treat your children and husband and how you expect to be treated.  Keep your relationship with God first, your husband next, and then your children.  Give yourself grace. You’re not perfect and you’re not going to be. When you make mistakes with your children ( and you will) admit it to them and ask their forgiveness.  This will not make you look small in their eyes – the contrary is true.  Honor your husband.  Honor and respect are very important to men.  Don’t take yourself so seriously.  Time spent with your husband and kids is far more important than the things you buy them or how clean your house is. I could go on and on…not from a seat of expertise but from one of failures and wisdom gained.

My daughter will be turning 18 very soon. She comes to you for dating advice. Help me understand what you will tell her and why? And please include dating advice for women in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

I would tell your daughter something I said earlier, “Know or discover your worth as a daughter of the King.  Don’t date anyone who doesn’t also see that and treat you accordingly.”  Don’t go looking for a date but let God bring Him to you.   And here’s something I recommend to all women dating – get inner healing (healing for soul wounds or childhood trauma).  This will help you make better decisions on who to date and will help prevent you from dating or marrying the same mistake in different skin over and over again.  Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

You were the producer, executive producer, and director of Hope Has A Name. What is it about? Why should we watch it? And please give my audience hope for 2022?

Hope Has A Name is an award-winning documentary about women around the world bringing extraordinary hope in unlikely places.  They are hidden heroes, not doing what they do not for a platform or platitudes but simply to bring hope to the hopeless through the love of God.  There are some pretty amazing women including Heidi Baker featured in the film.  And we are honored to have the endorsement of Lisa Bevere. Watch it and it will encourage you to stop making excuses and do something! It’s available on Amazon Prime and Tubi and many other outlets.

The Hope for 2022 is Jesus.  His name is the hope of the nations.  Jesus Is King.  He is still on the throne and heaven has not been taken over by Hell.  Our trust and confidence must remain in Him.  No matter what is yet to come, He will take us through. He is a sure foundation.

Help me understand the premise of your book Someone To Trust. Is there really such a thing as romance? Or it was created in the liberal halls of Hollywood with unrealistic expectations?

Someone To Trust is a Christian Contemporary romance based around finding love and forgiveness after betrayal.  The Heroine, Megan has been betrayed twice in her life, by the men she loved.  She has been presented the opportunity to love again, but she first has to get past her mistrust of men, find forgiveness for them and herself.  And,  most importantly accept the love and grace of her Heavenly father offers.  Someone To Trust is now available both in print and Kindle Unlimited.

I want to ask you about how do you balance being an author, filmmaker, wife, mother, speaking at conferences, and taking care of the women in your congregation?

Hah!  Good question,  when I figure that out, I’ll get back to you.  Just kidding, sort of.  It’s often a juggling event and I often end up dropping the ball.  I have to really pray and seek guidance as to what my focus needs to be on the most in the season.  It is also about stopping for the one.  The one in front of you, I try to practice that.  This enables me to help the women in my congregation who are needing my attention.   Two things that help me balance is keeping my relationship and personal time with God a priority!  If that is comprised, everything else is and I’m a mess.  The second is keeping my family a priority above all the other endeavors.  His grace is truly sufficient and I find His strength really is made perfect in my weakness.

The post Healing Emotional Wounds appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

We all need healing.

Every human being you come across is hurting. We all have to face trauma, loneliness, abandonment, grief, loss, divorce, death, sadness, struggles, and the challenges of life. As a result, we all have stuff hidden in the closet. Those who deal with it come out ahead and experience healing. Those who keep it inside to fester and rot. The results are not very good.

Four Columns has spoken to Hannah Siller, Sara Felushko, Brenda, Valerie Fitzpatrick, Tara Lalonde, and various other professionals who talk about dealing with issues that afflict our lives.

We focus so much on our physical, spiritual, and financial health. However, we ignore our mental health. Thrive, empower yourself, and get help.

I talk to Mary Beth, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who talks about the ‘not good enough’ stuff in our lives that we stuff and never deal with it.

Mary Beth, a privilege to have a Licensed Professional Counselor at Four Columns. I want to know something important about you.

Thank you for this opportunity! As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have also done my own work in therapy. It’s incredibly important for ALL therapists to have gone to therapy and worked on their own struggles because we ALL have them. For me, I struggled for years with depression, anxiety, and a lot of trauma I never dealt with from childhood. I thought that I would never be able to heal. 

Fortunately, I was in a life-threatening car wreck that gave me a “real” reason, in the eyes of society and mine at the time, to go to therapy. I used the word “fortunately” because if not for my wreck, I probably wouldn’t have begun my own healing journey in therapy. 

It forced me to look at all of my “stuff” that caused such pain throughout my entire life. I then learned that it was actually possible to heal, have a peaceful life and love myself. After that, I decided to go to graduate school while I was physically unable to work. My healing showed me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and that is to help others on their healing journeys. 

I have heard about hiding stuff in the closet. I like your phrase about not good enough stuff. Tell me a little more? 

As I begin my own healing journey, I realized that a lot of my emotional struggles were a result of never feeling good enough. As a psychotherapist, I began noticing the root of almost every client’s emotional pain came from that same “not good enough” feeling. 

One day I was in a session with a client and the words, “you’re not good enough stuff” just fell out of my mouth. My client knew exactly what I was referring to. Now, I use that phrase with every client I work with and they immediately know what I am referring to. 

To get a visual of what I mean with Not Good Enough Stuff, imagine a character opposite of Santa Claus. That character dumped a bag of all your fears, negative thoughts, sadness, shame, and repressed feelings down a chimney that then becomes forever attached to you. That bag is your Not Good Enough Stuff. We all have Not Good Enough Stuff and we can all learn how to heal it. That’s why my blog is called Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Many of us carry hurts, scars, bruises, anger, resentment, and bitterness for years and never deal with it. Help me understand what that does to you when you do not deal with it vs dealing with it? 

Yes, we sure do! When we don’t deal with any of that in a healthy way, our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff gets bigger and bigger. That spills over into every single aspect of our lives, resulting in depression, anxiety, difficulties in relationships, self-esteem and so much more.

It leaves us feeling like we are so screwed up or broken, but nobody is EVER broken. We simply get lost from our true soul identities and decided our emotional pain was our identity, but that is NEVER the case. Looking at that hurt allows us to return to who we truly are, removed from our bad experiences. 

Why do we humans struggle so much with ‘am I good enough’. Is it the media? Is it social media? Why are we so insecure? 

Ah! I love this question. One of the topics I often write about is this very question. Also, I love doing motivational speaking on this topic.

Not Good Enough Stuff comes from just about every aspect of our lives. For many people, it begins with our parents or caregivers. 

Our parents and caregivers have their own Not Good Enough Stuff. If they don’t work to heal that, they unknowingly and often subconsciously put all of that on their children. That’s why we have so much generational trauma because nobody before us did any healing. So, we are actually carrying trauma and Not Good Enough Stuff from every generation that precedes us. Whew! That can be scary and sad to think about. 

Jerry, you’re also correct in thinking that social media now plays a part in our Not Good Enough Stuff. We get lost in comparing ourselves to the perfect “sliver” of lives we see others posting. Also, society, culture, and religion often play a big part in adding to our pile of Not Good Enough Stuff. 

Society, culture, and religion seem to have strayed from their roots of love and acceptance for many people. That results in us believing we are not good enough for society, culture, and religion. We are presented with an unattainable image of who we are “supposed” to be in life. That causes Not Good Enough Stuff. I have a blog post about this topic.

There is a constant battle between good and evil for our soul. I am fascinated by your take on it. Walk me through it? 

I think every little, tiny, baby soul brought into this world is beautiful and good. So, then how do we end up with so many “evil” people? Those precious baby souls get piles of Not Good Enough Stuff dumped on them that eventually grow so large that they see no way of healing to get out of it. Those unhealed piles lead them to thrust their Not Good Enough Stuff on the world in hopes of making themselves feel good., even if that is done by hurting others.

Let’s take a look at Hitler. Everybody in the world will agree that he was evil. I’m not arguing with that. However, if you look at Hitler’s childhood you will see how his severe trauma created a pile of Not Good Enough Stuff so large that he was desperate to feel the power and get the attention that severely lacked for him. Very few people are ever taught how to get healthy attention. We can include Hitler in that group. 

Hitler found a way to get a tremendous amount of attention in one of history’s most notoriously negative and evil ways. His enormous pile of Not Good Enough Stuff was thrust upon Jewish people in order to make him feel powerful. 

Please understand that I am not dismissing the insane amount of pain he inflicted upon so many. I am just giving you an extreme example of how I believe Not Good Enough Stuff can create more evil than we could ever imagine. I’m not forgiving Hitler by any means. However, I do have sadness for the little baby soul of Hitler that existed before it turned into one of the biggest evil souls the world has ever seen. 

I love peace and joy. Talk to me about how we can achieve it? 

Yes, peace and joy. Those two words, in addition to self-love, are lacking for so many people. I know that I lacked all of that for the majority of my life. Attaining those seemed impossible until I began my own healing work. As cheesy and cliché as it may seem, self-love is the only way to achieve true peace and joy. 

For me, the way I achieved peace and joy and the way my clients learn to do so, is accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like and probably beat yourself up over. An example of this is how I used to be so ashamed of my temper and anger outbursts. 

Now, when it was extreme I didn’t consciously have shame because I thought people deserved what I dumped on them. After sludging through my healing journey, I realized that nobody, including myself, deserved the wrath of my anger. 

I began exploring that there might be a positive side to my temper and anger outbursts. Passion! I realized that my temper had benefited me in some ways because it showed me what I was passionate about in life. 

For example, when somebody treated me or somebody else poorly, I lashed out in very grand and unhealthy ways. Eventually, I was able to see that my anger was simply my passion. Everybody deserves to be treated well, but that didn’t happen in my childhood as it should have. So, I thought I had to fight for myself and others to get it. 

Stepping back from that anger, I realized that my passion protected me when I didn’t know-how. So, I have gratitude for that misguided passion. Now, I can love and accept that “temper’ that can flare up instead of being ashamed of it. Also, I can let go of the hatred I had for it because it was important in my growth and healing journey. 

I am a big believer in practicing patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness. Do we have anything in common? 

We sure do! I could write a book on each one of those you mentioned, but I’ll try to be much briefer than a book. Also, I am available for motivational speaking on this topic.

I think the reason so many people struggle with each of those is that it was probably absent from their lives when they needed it. We all deserve to receive all of those you mentioned, but it is so hard to do when you are sitting in the midst of your Not Good Enough Stuff. 

I want to make sure I mention the most important part of those qualities AND the hardest, which is having those important qualities towards ourselves. When I work with my clients we start this kind of work by exploring and healing the inner child.

I am currently working on blog posts about how to do that. So, if anybody is interested in learning how to heal his/her inner child, they can subscribe to my blog to get those posts emailed to them when they are published. 

I’d be lying if I said that I’m always able to offer those qualities to others. There are certainly times where my temper flares and those beautiful qualities I worked so hard to have, go flying out the window. 

After I process what happened, I can then look back and see that the true soul of the person who hurt me is lacking patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, unconditional love, empathy, and forgiveness for themselves. They have their Not Good Enough Stuff they haven’t healed AND they deserve to heal, even if they hurt me.

To come and see you, we have to accept we are broken and need healing. It is a process. Some of these are deep. Tell me more? 

I don’t ever use the word “broken” because most people’s pain stems from childhood. However, my clients usually begin their first session telling me they are broken. Once we began looking at their pain and see that it began in childhood, I ask them if they would tell a little child that he or she was broken. Of course, they answer with a big, fat “no.” 

So, then I explain that their pain is from their inner child who needed love but was never broken. Keep in mind that most people struggle with acknowledging that their pain came from childhood. I hear clients all the time say they had a “good childhood.” 

Emotional trauma looks much different to a child than it does to an adult. For adults, trauma is a violent experience, loss, and other “major” life-changing events. For a child who doesn’t yet have adult brain development, something that seems as simple as being called, “lazy” or “clumsy” several times can have the same impact as a “major” life-changing event that an adult experiences. 

I find women are more relational. They get together, they talk about their issues. Men do not and become an island.  I personally find women do a lot better after the age of 45 than men?

I think you are correct for the most part. However, when women get together to “vent” to their friends, there is often so much that they hide even from their best friends because of shame and fear of not being understood. 

That is the same reason that men become an island. Society and most cultures teach men that they are supposed to be “strong.” So, any semblance of portraying weakness is so incredibly scary.

I love working with men as a psychotherapist. I help guide them through the exploration of vulnerability to see it as a strength. I have had a men’s therapy group that was so incredibly healing for the group members. To have a group of men share their fears, pain and struggles are one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

So, for the men out there, I challenge you to see that therapy and vulnerability are huge signs of strength because those are so hard to do. It goes against what you were taught. If therapy and vulnerability were so easy, every man and woman would do it. 

I cannot love my wife, daughter, son, my parents, or my friends if I do not learn to love myself and accept myself. Comment?

That is so true! The hard part about doing that is that most of us were never taught how to love ourselves. The reason for that is that we have all the generations preceding us who know nothing about self-love. 

If you’ve never seen something or had anybody model what that something would look like, it is a huge and long struggle to learn it. So, I say to anyone wanting to learn self-love, know that the road is long and hard. However, for me and my clients, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever achieve in life because then you will be able to fully love those who get the privilege of being in your life!

The post Healing Approach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Addiction is the irresistible need for and use of a habit-forming substance. It has a negative impact on the health of the individual and also on their economic and social lives. Addiction is accepted as a mental illness in the diagnostic nomenclature. Addiction is now considered a clinical syndrome.

Denise talks about addiction, abandonment, and co-dependency.

Denise, I super appreciate your blog. You are real, vulnerable, and downright honest. I am sure you sleep well. I want to talk about addiction. What is addiction? Why does it exist? What are the different kinds of addiction?

An addiction is a disease that you inherit, where mind and body crave something you have consumed more than life itself!  It exists due to the disease you inherit, and you may not know you have the disease until you are hooked, and without help, your life could be doomed.  Different types of addictions are drugs, alcohol, pills, food, shopping online, your cell phone, TV, the internet, or whatever you feel you can’t live without and feel life is complete when not tuned into the urge that consumes you.

Walk me through your own life as the daughter of an addict?

This is the hard part, as you don’t realize the damage that is being done growing up as the daughter of an alcoholic.  My dad was in the military for 21 years and served in the Korean War and Vietnam War twice.  I realized later in life that the alcoholism took hold as he was dealing with losing his fellow soldiers, and used alcohol as a way to medicate himself.

Recently I came to the conclusion he had PTSD, but it was not something that was diagnosed during his time in service.    He was very strict with my sisters and I growing up, which in the military you expect that, but he used a belt and had a hard time showing love and affection.  You had to behave or else!  Once he retired he would drink a whole 6 pack of beer a night, and become argumentative, so it was not a comfortable setting.  Then he was gone a lot, so the father-figure was not there to comfort and nurture us.

I was shy and unsure of myself, once I graduated.  I did get good grades and was the teacher’s pet throughout my school years.

How did this impact your life? When did you realize it was having a negative impact on you?

It impacted my life in a way that I was drawn to men who were like my dad, as it seemed normal.  My first husband, when I was 19, turned out to be so controlling, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to marry him, to begin with, but felt I could help and change him.  He also became abusive!   After 9 months of marriage and being left at a laundromat until it closed up, and the security guard had to drive me home, was the last straw to say enough is enough!   He was ready to fight the security guard!  He was not going to make it easy, as he followed me on a highway and pulled a gun, put sugar in my gas tank at work, made numerous phone calls, and threatened to kill me if I ended up with someone else.  I lived in Denver at the time and decided it was time to move elsewhere, hoping he could not find me.  I moved to California and started over, and developed a relationship at work with the nicest guy who fell in love with me, and I had decided to not be with someone like my ex-husband.  I married him for the wrong reasons, and so after several years, I was ready to move on as the relationship seemed so boring.  I used to turmoil in my life.  We had a son but divorced, and I then married my third husband too soon and found out we were different and the relationship became very toxic.  We had a son and divorced but after several years we moved back in together.  Don’t ask me why?  I think I felt our son needed his dad in his life.

In your blog, you talk about abandonment. What is it? Why did you feel abandoned?

I realized in my later years that something was broken inside me, so I decided to see a psychologist get a professional opinion.  Why were relationships not working, and why did I not feel fulfilled?  He said I had feelings of abandonment, and that when I talked about things I always had a smile, even when it was a hurtful subject.  He said that was my way of not showing my pain inside.  It was determined I was co-dependent and that I tried to fix everything to make my life feel normal and that I was in control.  I was obsessed with cleaning the house, as that was something I could be in control of!  I went to a  co-dependent dependent group and realized I wasn’t alone and finally understood why I reacted to circumstances the way I did.

What is codependency? Why does a codependent want control?

Co-dependency is an emotional behavior where you do not know how to have healthy relationships and the relationship can become one-sided, or abusive.  In my case, when there wasn’t turmoil I felt uncomfortable and would sabotage and destroy the relationship.  You become attracted to abusive, controlling people and would try to fix the relationship and stay in it, as you did not think you deserved being treated in a kindly manner.

You control because you feel that is the only way you can fix things to feel normal, as inside your life is not in control at all.  That is why I cleaned all the time.  Call it OCD, and you drive everyone crazy, but you felt great when everything was spotless! You become a perfectionist!

Your father was never around when you were young. How important is it to have your parents around? Did you ever talk to him about it?

Growing up I saw other fathers and daughters in close relationships and I wished for the same type of relationship with my dad. I missed not having him at school events, and sitting down and having a heart to heart talk.  I also think I tried to find in men what my dad did not give yo me. My dad passed away when he was 64, and I was 40.  We had gotten closer, but so much time had passed and I missed not having my younger years with him.

I was told in counseling that since my dad was never there for me emotionally and I was not getting hugs that little girls should get from their dads, and the times he was away from home, that through life I didn’t want to commit to a relationship with the fear of them leaving me.

You thrived on chaos. Normal is different things to different people. Explain?

Normal to me was fighting and yelling constantly, very few moments of peace and quiet where you weren’t being yelled at or criticized for not being perfect.  There were so many expectations and the pressure of attaining all that was expected of you takes a toll on you emotionally.

Explain the 12 steps codependent program? How did it help?

I couldn’t remember exactly, so had to look them up. The 12 steps are:

We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

I made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Here is the Serenity Prayer we would say after each group session: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

It made me aware of how my behavior could be in relationships, so you would make a conscious effort, of the proper way to react to certain situations.  It takes time, but it works!

Why do you recommend getting help for an addiction?

If you don’t get the help you will keep sabotaging and destroying relationships, and will never be able to find true happiness or a healthy way to live with someone else and get through life feeling or knowing what “normal” is.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, as this is not something you want to share or talk about.  Once you admit that and set up the appointment, it is a big weight off your shoulders, and you realize that with the help you can find a way to true happiness and love, and you can be a better person and parent.

The post Denise Gardiner: Addiction and Getting Help appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is psychotherapy?

Talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, is to help people deal with challenges in life, emotional difficulties, and mental illness. Psychotherapy helps a person to make their life better through introspection and healing.

If we start being honest about our pain, our anger, and our shortcomings instead of pretending they don’t exist, then maybe we’ll leave the world a better place than we found it. – Russell Wilson

Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road. – Unknown

Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. – Fred Rogers

The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about. – Unknown

Introduction

I got the most horrifying text of my life. A very close friend of mine, since college, had passed away on Tuesday early morning.

It is not possible. We just spoke on Monday morning. We were going to have lunch on Thursday. I was teasing him about being the king of Facebook. Also, since his dad was 90, I told him that he would probably outlive all of us and therefore attend my funeral.

After that, on a cold day in March, here I was at the funeral home facing his cold, lifeless body. In addition, a thousand memories since we were teenagers kept flashing across my mind.

The same year in April, a young gentleman drove a van across a street where I had lived for more than a decade, killing 10 people and injuring 16.

Similarly, in July as I was heading to the Danforth for a meeting, another male shot and killed 2 people and injured 13 at a nearby restaurant.

Three incidents in less than six months hit home. Why? Could any of the above situations be avoided?

Life happens

My close friend had issues from a young age. It tormented him. Over the years, I begged him, pleaded with him to get help. In 2015, he lost his job and disappeared. I finally got hold of him six months later and he was putting up a front. In 2017, I took him out for lunch for his birthday. Little did I realize that would be the last time I would be seeing him. We spoke throughout the summer, about his marriage, his parenting and how he felt about living in the basement of his parents’ home.

Above all, unemployed, separated from his wife, alone, lonely, feeling rejected, drugs and booze became his best friends. What stopped him from getting help? Did he not realize the hurt he was causing those close to him and especially his kids?  How come he did not know his limits and boundaries? Why did he not seek psychotherapy?

What is masculinity?

As I think about my friend and the other two men, involved in the killings, I am forced to ask myself, why do men not get help? Is it a sign of weakness? Is it considered macho to just suck up and deal with your issues through drugs, porn and substance abuse? Is this masculinity?

Or is masculinity dealing with our issues head-on, accepting responsibility for where you are in life, being grateful, forgiving and getting help?

I wish the three men would have got help. They could have avoided so much pain for themselves and those around them.

Advantages of getting help

When you go to see a psychotherapist, you get feedback on what you are going through from an objective perspective. Here is a trained third-party individual who listens, gives you feedback on what you are going through.

The second advantage is that you get to deal with your negative past. The therapist might ask you to write down your hurts, resentments, bitterness issues, challenges or just he/she will listen.

The third advantage is that it allows you to get in touch with reality. When you are doing drugs, booze, porn, and sleeping around, these are helping you to escape reality.

The fourth advantage is that you end up in better mental and physical health.

The fifth advantage is that it allows you to get to the root cause of your problems. The therapist gives you healthy coping mechanisms.

The final advantage is that you learn to take it easy on yourself and finally no one is judging you at the clinic. They are all encouraged that you have the courage and guts to deal with your issues.

I challenge you that if you are facing issues no matter what go ahead and get professional help.

The post Get Help: See A Psychotherapist appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Resilience is how well people deal with and bounce back from the challenges of life. Resilience is the process of adjusting positively as you face challenges, tragedy, adversity, threats, and major sources of stress like job loss, divorce, financial issues, health problems, workplace discrimination, or the current COVID crisis. Resilience is not only about bouncing back, but also about learning and growing from the experience. The challenges are difficult and painful, but one needs to be aware of what they can control. Resilience helps you walk through the challenging times in your life and empowers you.

Resilience does not mean you will not face challenges in your life. The truth is that some of the most resilient people have faced and gone through the most challenging things a person can face. Resilience can be learned and involves developing actions, behaviors, and thoughts that help you bounce back from traumatic events in your life.

The Three  Aspects of Resilience

Susan Kobasa, a leading psychologist, talks about the three aspects of resilience. The first is the challenge. When you are facing difficulties in your life, you have to see it as a challenge and not as an event that will paralyze you. The difficulty has to be viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow, and not negatively. The second is that you have to be committed to your goals, values, ethos, friendships, relationships, and beliefs, and find a reason to get up in the morning. The third part is to focus on what you can control. When you focus on what you can control and let go, you feel confident and empowered. If you focus on what you cannot control, it will make you feel powerless.

Where is My GPS?

Life on planet Earth does not come with a GPS. However, the challenges and the traumatic events of life on Earth can impact us negatively. These events bring up a variety of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and uncertainty. Debbie has been battling cancer for six months. Last week I got a text that someone I have known my whole life committed suicide. I have been asked a lot about how I manage to stay resilient. Here are my eleven secrets to staying resilient. I have included quotes from strong women who have been resilient in their lives.

Find a purpose and a deeper meaning

Grief and resilience live together – Michelle Obama, Becoming

One of my best friends committed suicide two years after high school. In the last few years, I have lost one of my closest friends from university and another from the business world. Last week, someone from my youth group committed suicide. As we come across a tragedy or a crisis in our personal lives we have to find a sense of purpose. I started a blog, got more involved in volunteering, more introspective, and started aligning all my activities with my goals and values.

As Debbie fights cancer, I am learning to become more compassionate, understanding, kind, and gentle.

Be Positive about your capabilities

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it – Maya Angelo

When Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was handling it the best. She was just confident. I learned from her that we have to be confident about our capabilities on how to handle this event in our family. I had to focus on what we call a SWOT analysis in the business world. However, I had to focus on my strengths and keep the positive tape in my brain going.

Friendships are important

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance – Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

I would not have made it through the present crisis without close friends. I continue to stay connected with friends and cousins to share my feelings about what I am going through. This support does wonders for our emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and psychological health.

It is important to also connect with people who are understanding, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, and who validate what you are going through. I have spoken to many people whose spouses have gone through cancer. It helps what you are feeling is natural. Sometimes there is a natural tendency to isolate ourselves. It is important to connect with people.

The only constant in life is change

Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive – Jean Chatzky

When I was doing my MBA and as we studied about companies that survived and those that perished the only difference was the survivors adapted to change. We have to constantly adapt to our surroundings. Stick to your values and core concepts but we have to adapt. Those that are flexible and embrace the changes thrive in the long run. I had to adapt my lifestyle and my attitude about being a spouse of a cancer patient.

Be Confident 

Like tiny seeds with potent power to push through tough ground and become mighty trees, we hold innate reserves of unimaginable strength. We are resilient – Catherine DeVrye, The Gift of Nature

When we are going through challenging times, it is tough to be confident in the tunnel. However, you have to cling to hope and focus on staying positive. Positive thinking does not mean you ignore the problem or the challenges you are facing. It means that the stumbling blocks are temporary and we need to focus on our capabilities to handle the challenge. I am confident that after chemo and radiation Debbie will make it through the end of November.

Self-care

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow – Mary Anne Radmacher

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You need to eat healthy food, get sleep, rest, build new skills, and even seek counseling.

Focus on solutions, not problems

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it – Helen Keller

No matter what we are going through, focus on solutions. Do not ask why me but what now. There are times when there is no solution. However, you have to try to take baby steps to make your situation less stressful.

Join a group

She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails – Elizabeth Edwards

I have spoken to many men whose spouses have gone through cancer. When you talk to other people who have gone through similar circumstances it helps you. Join a group of people who are going through similar issues. Talk about it and get together. It will do miracles for you. It is good to talk and get things out. If you keep it inside, you end with a lot of psycho-somatic issues. 

Practice mindfulness

Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life – J.K. Rowling

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. I personally find breathing very helpful.

Focus on one goal

The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

As Debbie goes through cancer, we just take it one day at a time. There is a tendency to focus on the end and how it will all look once chemo and radiation are done.

Ask for help

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good – Elizabeth Edwards

I am bad at asking for help. My wife is even worse. However, I was challenged to ask for help. As I asked for help, I have a meal train for us and people driving Debbie for her chemo and other appointments.

The key takeaway from this post is that whenever you are going through a challenging time, in order to be resilient:

Do not listen to the news, it is all negative, look to other sources for empowerment and inspiration

It is ok to cry and express what you are going through

Go for a walk and connect with nature

Focus on your strengths and be confident

Have a real, deep and vulnerable conversation with a close friend or family member

Talk to someone who has gone through or going through similar challenges like you

Pray, meditate and connect with a higher power

Write what you are going through and feeling

Practice kindness towards others and to yourself

Music inspires and empowers you, listen to it

Breathe deeply

Take it one day and one hour at a time. Focus on the present.

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