The journey of Amanda Buchanan is anything but ordinary. The oldest of 7 siblings, she just thought it was “normal” to take responsibility and take charge. It wasn’t until later in life that she realized her “bossiness” was actually a manifestation of her leadership & executive management skills, which had been evident at a young age. It was only in her late twenties that someone used the word “leader” in relation to her influence and skills, and since that time, she has not only leaned into her own leadership but also championed other women to do so as well. Her work experience and personal story became the catalyst for a decade-long partnership with coaching. This journey not only reshaped her career but also strengthened her identity, values, and voice as a woman navigating male-dominated spaces.

At Four Columns of a Balanced Life, we believe every woman carries a story worth learning from. One that can spark transformation, courage, and clarity for others. Today, we dive into the heart of Amanda’s journey as a life coach and leader.

In this conversation, I wanted to know something unique about her—what shaped her, what ignited her passion, and what continues to fuel her mission to guide women and leaders toward authenticity, awareness, and wholeness. Amanda brings a blend of spiritual wisdom, clinical insight, and real-world leadership experience that makes her coaching style deeply human and refreshingly practical.

Her story is a reminder that empowerment doesn’t begin when we “have it all together,” but when we’re willing to grow, ask better questions, and lead from who we truly are.

What inspired you to become a life coach, and was there a defining moment that led you down this path?

In my late 20s, I found myself in a leadership position where I was way over my head. Not only did I need to learn new skills, but I was working way too much. I was so desperate for help that when someone offered to connect me with a coach, I said yes, not even fully understanding what coaching was. I just knew counselling wasn’t what I needed. I have had a coach for the last decade and never looked back! The journey was transformative, not only for my leadership and my life, but for my career trajectory.

Amanda can you be more specific about the changes you saw back then?

There was a huge learning curve in self-awareness [think Myers-Briggs, personal values, strengths, spiritual gifts, motivations; to name a few] and how this impacted my leadership. I learned to adapt and consider what other people needed and expected from me, and lean into how I was wired to lead from a place that was authentic to me. I started to understand that work could not consume me, but I was actually a better leader when I was living a life that was fuller, by developing creative outlets, physical care and a supportive social system. I fully believe that the best gift a leader can give their organization is holistic health. I could keep going, but I’ll stop there. 

What is the difference between coaching, counselling and consulting? 

At a basic level: counselling looks at the past and coaching looks ahead to the future. Counselling might ask: where did you come from? And what happened to you to shape who you are today? Coaching will ask: where do you want to be in a year, or three years and how do you get there? Or who do you want to be in a particular situation? Both counselling and consulting place the expectation of expertise on the consultant or counsellor. Good coaching makes the one being coached the expert, and with wise questions and observations helps the coachee discover things about themselves.

How has your own personal growth journey shaped the way you coach others?

I am a female who worked in a male-dominated field and I had to push through a lot of obstacles and stereotypes about what was “appropriate” for a woman to do, as well as what was considered “feminine” or not. For example: the fact that many times for women confidence and assertiveness often times is mistaken for aggression or even said to be “masculine.” Or the shame many women feel when their emotions emerge in a work-place setting, when in reality their emotions can be a gift to their colleagues if they have done the work of self-awareness and staying healthy. I am particularly passionate about helping people learn to bring their full-selves to the teams they are on and to lead from their strengths.

How would you describe your coaching style, and what makes it unique?

I’ve been told that people experience me as if we are having a very natural conversation with a lot of good questions to draw out some reflection and discovery. When appropriate I will ask if I can share my own experience with something that may help the client or offer a different perspective on a situation. I believe that every human being is put on this earth with something unique to offer the world and coaching is the process to bring clarity and focus to that discovery. Because of this, I also consider spiritual wellness an important aspect of health and wellness. My training in psychotherapy also helps to inform how things from our past influence our perspective. 

There are many life coaches out there, but I get such energy from working with leaders (which can be formal or informal leadership, influence and management…and yes…mom’s out there are leading their kids every day, so that counts too!) and helping them to discover their unique leadership style and develop needed skills. This tends to also spill out into other areas of their life, as who a leader is affects how their organizations grow and develops. 

What is the most common obstacle your clients face, and how do you help them overcome it?

I’m going to address this from two perspectives: internal factors and external factors. 

Internal factors are often times around limiting beliefs or internal narratives: confidence/imposter syndrome and the stories we tell ourselves that make us feel inadequate or unqualified. For women particularly there are often times narratives they have absorbed subconsciously that manifest due to their work challenges. Through coaching we identify these and work to process and replace them with empowering narratives that are authentic to who they feel that they are. 

External factors can include transitions in work or life, such as a promotion or a job that has grown to include more than a person feels qualified for. In these situations, we create a growth plan and identify areas and resources for development and implementation.

Can you share a success story where your coaching made a significant impact on someone’s life?

A success story for me is watching a client have an “ah-ha” moment in a session or pieces or themselves “click into place” and they leave a session with new insights and actions to work through.

A client success story? One client came to me with a lot of confusion about her role in the organization and a lack of clarity about how to prioritize her time. After six months of monthly one-on-one coaching, we celebrated together how much more confident she felt in her role and in her leadership. She reflected that she had a renewed sense of excitement for the changes ahead in her organization and how she would navigate those with her team and influence her peers and boss. She was grateful for the clarity she had about her role and also about what wasn’t her role [which is just as important] and how to have conversations that would shape the culture and changes going forward.  

What advice would you give to someone who is feeling stuck or unfulfilled in their life or leadership?

It happens to most of us: at some point we will likely hit a wall of some kind where what we know or how we did things, is no longer working for us. This is the season that reaching out for help is one of the best things you can do for yourself and the people around you! This is where finding a coach instead of a counsellor is going to make the biggest difference. Hear me: I love counselling, and even trained to be one, and it has its’ place. But stuck-ness in the present moment is going to need a coaching approach, not a counselling approach: one that helps you shift your thinking out of your past/present into present/future possibilities. ASK yourself to answer these two questions on a scale of 1-10: how much do you want your life to be different in a year and how willing are you to change it? If the answer is AN 8…you are probably READY for a coach!

How can someone identify if they truly need a life coach, and what should they look for when choosing one?

I think coaching (life or leadership coaching) is most effective when someone is ready for things to be different and ready to do the work to make it different. Maybe a person is feeling stuck, or maybe they are simply just feeling like things are the same and they want things to be different in a year. Either way, coaching is helpful as a thought-process through wise and intentional questions to allow time for thinking and reflection, leading to insights and action. I think many people live life like it is happening to them, when in reality, you can choose where you focus and who you become. We have plans for our finances and our retirement, why do we not have plans for the type of people we want to be, or who we want to be as a leader or manager? 

If I was looking for a coach, I’d definitely look for someone you think you can trust and be fully open with – where there is some chemistry. I would also probably tend to encourage people to work with someone who may have experience in areas they wish to grow, but this isn’t a hard and fast rule. That’s why most coaches offer a 15-minute free discovery call to explore questions and chemistry.

What daily habits or mindset shifts do you recommend for personal growth and resilience?

Curiosity is the biggest mindset shift, I think especially for women. We tend to make value judgements on everything, even ourselves (I’m thinking here those statements: “I am too much,” or “not enough”). When I shift from judging…to being curious about what is happening inside and outside, it makes me willing to explore where those thoughts come from or interact with someone different from me, rather than be intimidated or to be hard on myself. 

Finding time to give attention to what is going on inside of you is a really important: for some this might be quiet time in the morning or evening, for others this could be walking without listening to a podcast. You need to pay attention to the affect your life is having on you or you wake up one day wondering how you “got here” or (in worst cases) can’t get out of bed because your life has become too much. As a person of faith, I think reminding myself daily that I am valuable and loved because of who I am and not what I do for others is critical. 

How do you balance your professional life as a coach with your personal life?

This may be a controversial statement but I think that balance is a bit of an illusion and has become a burden because it feels like it creates polarities (you either have balance or you don’t). For me, the question is more about living integrated or living from wholeness. For example, when I am in a season of high demand (stress or busyness) often times my time and desire for my normal workout routine would diminish. But instead of giving it up completely, I make it my goal to do something active with less intensity (or less time). Sometimes that means I schedule a “walking meeting” with a client or I would do 25 minutes of exercise rather than the hour because I refused to let what was important to me be taken away completely. I still try to live into all the parts of myself all the time, but the intensity shifts with the season. It is not so much balanced living as living-whole; with every part of my life activated.

What role does self-care play in achieving life goals, and what practices do you personally follow?

Ruth Haley Barton says that the best gift we offer to others is our transformed self, which means our entire self needs attention. We are constantly being and becoming and every season demands different types of growth and/or rest. Personally, I have something called “rule of life”; if you imagine that every season of your life requires different fruit/strengths from you, then you need to decide how you are going to grow and nurture your roots. What inputs do you need for this next season? What rhythms?  What disciplines? This can include everything from spiritual practices (prayer and meditation), physical exercise, creativity & play and social events. 

If you could give one piece of empowering advice to your younger self, what would it be? 

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are actually doing really great!

The post Amanda Buchanan: Living & leading with Clarity, Confidence & Compassion appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Amazing mental health is crucial, essential, and valuable for women.

Mental health is an integral and intrinsic part of overall well-being. It encompasses emotional, psychological, and social well-being. When mental health is prioritized, women are better equipped to cope with life’s challenges, build positive relationships, and lead fulfilling lives.

There is a strong connection between amazing mental and physical health. Poor mental health like depression and anxiety can negatively impact physical health and vice versa.

Amazing mental health contributes to a higher quality of life. It enables women to experience and enjoy life to the fullest, engage in meaningful activities, and maintain a positive outlook. Mental health affects one’s ability to think, concentrate, and make decisions. When mental health is compromised, cognitive functions can be impaired, leading to decreased productivity and difficulty in daily functioning. Good mental health fosters resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks and be resilient.

I want to empower you by taking care of your mental health. I am going to list 11 things to axe from your life for amazing mental health.

Before I list the 11 things I want to introduce you to a new word cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance refers to the discomfort or tension that arises when there is a discrepancy between one’s beliefs, attitudes, or values and their actions or other beliefs. It’s a psychological phenomenon that people may experience when they encounter information that challenges their existing views. It is undesirable because it can lead to stress and internal conflict.

Recognizing cognitive dissonance can be an opportunity for personal growth and learning. It may prompt women to reevaluate their beliefs, consider alternative perspectives, and make adjustments to align their thoughts and actions more cohesively. Excessive or chronic cognitive dissonance may contribute to stress and mental health challenges.

Avoid Unhealthy Relationships

An unhealthy relationship is characterized by patterns of behavior, communication, and dynamics that are detrimental to the well-being of one or both individuals involved. While relationships naturally have ups and downs, unhealthy relationships often involve persistent negative patterns that can be emotionally, mentally, or even physically harmful. The signs of an unhealthy relationship include a lack of communication, manipulation, and control, lack of trust, constant criticism, isolation, abuse, unresolved conflict, disregard for boundaries, and unequal power dynamics.

Living in an unhealthy relationship can have a significant impact on your well-being and overall quality of life. Recognize the signs, get help, set boundaries, communicate openly, prioritize your well-being, create a safety plan, and know when to walk away.

Do not hold on to regrets

Regrets are often tied to negative emotions such as guilt, shame, or disappointment, and carrying them with you can hinder personal growth and happiness.

Accept your past mistakes, choices, decisions, and actions. Take responsibility for them. Acceptance is the first step towards healing. Instead of dwelling on the regret, focus on what you can learn from the experience. Reflect on the situation, identify what went wrong, and think about how you can make better choices in the future.  Understand that you are not perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Forgive yourself for the choices you made and recognize that you are capable of change and growth.

The past is unchangeable, but you have control over your present and future. Concentrate on making positive choices today rather than getting stuck in what cannot be undone. Understand that perfection is unattainable. Everyone makes errors, and what matters most is how you respond and learn from them. If your regret involves someone else, and it’s appropriate, consider making amends. Apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions can be a step towards closure. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. By focusing on positive actions and experiences, you can gradually shift your focus away from past regrets.

Avoid Negative Self Talk

Negative self-talk involves the persistent negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself, your abilities, and your worth. Over time, this can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. It’s important to be aware of your self-talk and make an effort to challenge and change negative thoughts. Question the validity of negative thoughts. Ask yourself if there’s evidence to support these thoughts or if they’re based on assumptions and misconceptions. When you identify a negative thought, replace it with a positive or more realistic one. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments.

Do not fear failure

Fear of failure prevents women from taking risks or trying new things. This fear can lead to a stagnant and unfulfilling life, as personal and professional growth often requires stepping outside of one’s comfort zone. Failure is a natural part of the learning process. It provides valuable feedback and insights that help women understand what works and what doesn’t. The constant fear of failure can erode self-confidence. Women who are overly focused on avoiding mistakes may become overly cautious and hesitant, undermining their ability to assert themselves and make decisions. Persistent fear of failure can contribute to stress, anxiety, and other mental health issues. The pressure to avoid failure at all costs can be emotionally taxing, leading to burnout and diminished overall well-being.

Embracing failures as learning opportunities and understanding that setbacks are a normal part of the journey can contribute to a more fulfilling and successful life.

Do not procrastinate

Procrastination can affect relationships, especially in collaborative settings where others depend on timely completion of tasks. Dependability and reliability are crucial in many social and professional contexts. Continuously procrastinating and failing to meet goals can undermine self-esteem. The cycle of procrastination followed by disappointment can create a negative self-perception. Developing effective time management and organizational skills, as well as addressing underlying issues that contribute to procrastination, can help mitigate its negative effects.

Embrace your flaws and brokenness

Acknowledging your flaws is the first step toward personal growth. It allows you to identify areas where you can improve and work towards becoming a better version of yourself. Recognizing your flaws increases self-awareness. This awareness is crucial for understanding how your actions and behaviors affect yourself and those around you. When you acknowledge your flaws, it shows humility and a willingness to learn and grow. This can strengthen your relationships with others, as people appreciate honesty and authenticity. Ignoring your flaws can contribute to conflicts. By acknowledging them, you open the door for communication and resolution. It demonstrates a commitment to addressing issues and finding solutions.

Flaws often indicate areas where you can learn and develop new skills. By acknowledging them, you create opportunities for continuous learning and improvement. Acknowledging your flaws can relieve the pressure of unrealistic expectations and allow you to embrace imperfections as part of the human experience. It’s a fundamental aspect of personal development, amazing mental health, and building meaningful connections with others.

Avoid irregular sleep patterns

Irregular sleep patterns are associated with an increased risk of mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. Sleep disruption can contribute to the dysregulation of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which play key roles in mood regulation. Chronic sleep disruption may contribute to long-term cognitive decline and an increased risk of neurodegenerative conditions. Irregular sleep patterns can disrupt the normal stress response, making individuals more vulnerable to the effects of stressors. This can lead to increased feelings of stress, irritability, and a reduced ability to cope with challenges. Sleep disruption can affect the balance of hormones in the body, including those that regulate stress (cortisol) and appetite (ghrelin and leptin). Adequate and regular sleep is crucial for emotional regulation. Sleep deprivation or irregular sleep patterns can lead to heightened emotional reactivity, increased irritability, and a reduced ability to manage and regulate emotions effectively.

If you are experiencing persistent sleep issues seek guidance from healthcare professionals for appropriate assessment and intervention.

Avoid Isolation

Women are social beings, and social interaction is crucial for mental well-being. Isolation deprives women of the emotional support, companionship, and sense of belonging that come from social connections.  Social interactions provide opportunities for emotional expression, sharing experiences, and receiving empathy. When isolated, women may struggle to express their emotions or find outlets for emotional release, which can contribute to increased stress and anxiety. Isolation can lead to a lack of cognitive stimulation, potentially resulting in boredom and a decline in cognitive function.

Prolonged isolation may lead to sedentary behavior, lack of physical activity, and disruptions in sleep patterns, all of which can have negative effects on both physical and mental health. Physical well-being is closely linked to mental well-being.

Avoid pursuing perfection

Perfection is often an unrealistic and unattainable goal. Setting overly high standards can lead to constant dissatisfaction and stress.

The relentless pursuit of perfection can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Constantly striving for an unattainable ideal can be emotionally draining. Perfectionism can affect interpersonal relationships if individuals impose unrealistic expectations on themselves and others, leading to dissatisfaction and conflict.

Striking a balance by setting realistic goals, embracing imperfections, and practicing self-compassion is crucial for a healthier approach to personal and professional development.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining amazing good mental health.

Establishing boundaries helps you prioritize self-care. It allows you to allocate time and energy to activities that promote your well-being, such as rest, relaxation, and personal interests. Without boundaries, you may find yourself constantly overwhelmed and exhausted. Setting boundaries communicates your values and limits to others, fostering respect in relationships. It helps you define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, ensuring that you are treated with dignity and consideration. This, in turn, contributes to positive self-esteem and self-worth.

Boundaries help maintain a healthy balance between different aspects of your life, such as work, relationships, and personal time. Striking this balance is essential for overall well-being and prevents one area from dominating your life at the expense of others. Establishing boundaries empowers you to make choices that align with your values and priorities. It allows you to take control of your life and make decisions that contribute positively to your mental health.

In summary, setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of self-care and maintaining good mental health. 

Avoid comparing yourself to other people

When you compare yourself to others, you may be setting unrealistic standards for yourself. People often present their best selves on social media or in public, which can create a skewed perception of reality. Comparing your behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel can lead to feelings of inadequacy. You might focus on your perceived shortcomings while overlooking your strengths and achievements. This can contribute to feelings of low self-worth and impact your overall mental well-being.

Every individual has a unique set of circumstances, experiences, and challenges. Comparing yourself to someone else neglects the fact that everyone’s life journey is different. What works for one person may not work for another, and measuring success solely based on others’ achievements can be misleading. Constant comparison often leads to negative emotions such as jealousy, envy, and resentment. These emotions can be detrimental to your mental health and may hinder your ability to build positive relationships with others.

To foster better mental health, it’s important to practice self-compassion, celebrate your achievements, and focus on your personal growth without constantly comparing yourself to others. Embracing your uniqueness and recognizing that everyone has their journey can contribute to a more positive and fulfilling mindset.

The post 11 things to axe from your life for amazing mental health appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Authenticity is a mosaic, convoluted and manifold concept that is often used in various situations, like relationships, personal identity, products, and art.

The meaning of authenticity

Authenticity is about being bonafide, absolute, true, sincere, and genuine.  The meaning of being authentic is when an individual is true to oneself and one’s core values, beliefs, morals, conscience, and principles, rather than conforming to societal norms, pressures, and expectations. An authentic person is someone who behaves, speaks, and acts in a way that aligns with their true nature, without putting on a facade or pretending to be someone they’re not. An authentic person is not a people pleaser. An authentic person swims against the tide.

Authenticity vs fake and ungenuine

Once a month, I get an email from a friend about his prayer life and what he is learning. We have known each other for more than three decades. Never a call. Never to see how we are doing. Even when Debbie was going through cancer, never a hint, to see how we were doing or drop by. But the email comes once a month, challenging us to love, deny ourselves and study scripture.

I have another friend who changes an organization every two or three years. The leaders are not up to mark. The way people do things is wrong. Everything is wrong.

There was a point when I was mentoring a few men. One of the men was overly critical of me. He was in his late 30s and was literally chasing teenagers. He had an Asian background and wanted a Canadian wife. I set him up on a few dates but they were never good. He took off to the States, found someone, and married her. The wife left him, accused him and my friend ended up in prison. You think my friend would have learned his lesson. I ran into him in Toronto and he was on the hunt again for a new wife. I kept quiet.  I found out later he got married again. The second wife left him with two kids and disappeared.

Insecurity is the root of evil

Insecure humans project their own insecurities, fears, and shortcomings onto others.  Humans with low self-esteem or insecurity engage in criticizing or finding faults in others as a way to deflect attention away from their own perceived flaws. This behavior can also be a way to gain a sense of superiority or control over others, as pointing out faults can give them a feeling of power.  Insecure people are attracted to Christian cults. It gives them a sense of security. You have made it, others have not. You have the right doctrine, others do not. These insecure people spend their whole life attending their spiritual organizations and are not transformed.

What I was offering to my friend was constructive criticism and feedback which was essential and crucial for personal and collective growth. The feedback was genuine with good intentions.

In interpersonal relationships, authenticity refers to open, honest, and genuine communication and emotional expression. Authentic relationships are built on trust and sincerity, where individuals can be themselves without fear of judgment or rejection.

Belonging vs Fitting In

When you belong to a group of friends you are accepted into a unique social, cultural, or community-based entity. There is a sense of affiliation and connection with others who share common characteristics, interests, values, or goals. Belonging goes beyond mere membership; it implies a deeper emotional connection and identification with the group. People who belong to a group often feel a sense of support, validation, and security from being part of that group. This sense of belonging can contribute positively to one’s self-esteem and overall well-being. This is an example of authenticity.

Fitting in, on the other hand, refers to conforming to the norms, behaviors, and expectations of a particular group in order to be accepted and avoid standing out. It involves adjusting one’s behavior, appearance, or attitude to align with the prevailing standards of the group. Fitting in can sometimes be driven by a desire to avoid social rejection or criticism. Fitting in involves suppressing certain aspects of one’s identity to conform to the group’s norms. This is not an example of authenticity and results in depression, cognitive dissonance, trauma, and health issues.

I truly believe that we put ourselves on the treadmill of performance that is driven by external pressure. In a fake world dominated by social media, authenticity is valued for its ability to bring forth honesty, sincerity, and a sense of realness. People often seek authentic experiences, relationships, and products because they resonate with their core values and provide a sense of connection and meaning. Authenticity demands self-awareness, introspection, the desire and courage to be vulnerable and embrace one’s true self.

One of the questions I get asked very often is how come I have had so many friends since kindergarten, how come the blog is so successful, what are the secrets to my marriage and how come I am good in sales. The truth lies in being authentic.

What is authentic living and an authentic person?

The post Empower your life with authenticity appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Nirmala Srivastava founded Sahaja Yoga in 1970. During meditation, seekers experience self-realization. Sahaja is a Sanskrit term consisting of ‘Saha’ is ‘with’ and ‘ja’ is ‘born’. In the Buddhist dictionary, it is ‘innate, denoting the natural presence of enlightenment or purity’.

Dr. Girish Gupta, a management consultant, and practitioner of Sahaja Yoga Meditation talks about its advantages.

Girish, it is a pleasure to have you here. Please tell my global audience a little about you?

I am a management consultant, advising companies on the best ways to manage and operate their business, which includes business strategy, operational techniques, marketing, branding, and skills like time management. I help companies become efficient, increase synergies and increase their footprint by attracting new business.

What did you do for your Ph.D. thesis?

I did my Ph.D. in Marketing Management.  The thesis was – Study on the Industrial Product Marketing Strategy of selected companies in India.

Explain your yoga style and how it is linked to your faith.

I practice Sahaja Yoga Meditation. It is Self-Realization or Actualization. Sahaja Yoga is given by our Divine Mother, Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi who is the founder of Sahaja Yoga. It is practiced in more than 180 countries across the world. For more details, one can visit www.sahajayoga.org. As far as faith, you can see various miracles in your day-to-day life. You also have peace from within.

Is there any special God you worship?

After practicing Sahaja Yoga, you get the knowledge that all Gods are one and equal. They all lead you to take only one path. The path is the truth that one can feel in his/her nervous system.

How do you embrace good and shun evil?

As we practice Sahaja Yoga and get better, we get established in it. At that point, one automatically comes to know through vibration what is evil and good. You act accordingly.

Do you follow any specific diet?

No, I do not follow any specific diet. However, I surely try to follow a disciplined routine. I take Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.  I make sure there is no interval of more than 4 or 5 hours after each meal. For me, a meal can also be having fruit.

What are the advantages of doing yoga?

People perceive yoga as only physical activity, but actually, yoga means one’s Reunion with all-pervading power which is God’s love flowing everywhere. This reunion can be achieved by self-realization meditation only. I also recommend physical exercise like walking, jogging, cycling, going to the gym, and swimming.

Tell me about Indore and some good restaurants and your favorite dishes.

Indore is located in the western part of Madhya Pradesh. It is a developing B-class city in India. Indore was awarded as best city for cleanliness two years in a row.

Indore is famous for food-loving people with a variety of tastes, different food outlets, and restaurants for their sumptuous meals.  Indore has a food market (Also known as khau gali) that operates from 8 PM to 12 PM. You get a variety of food from Chinese, South Indian, pasta, Jalebi, Kachori, Samosa, etc.

I do not have any specific favorite dish. However, I like Kadhi (made from curd), and butter paneer masala and am fond of sweets. Shreemaya, Sayaji, and TGB are some good restaurants in Indore.

Give me some tips on being a good husband and I will follow up with your wife to see if you are doing these things.

I would strongly recommend trusting each other blindly. Keep quiet when the other person is angry (don’t argue at that point in time). Once when things are normal and cooled down explain your point of view. Love each other without any expectations.

How do you balance faith, food, finance, family, and your career?

Don’t take your office worries home and vice versa. After practicing Sahaja Yoga meditation, you get a work-life balance easily.

The post Sahaja Yoga Meditation appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Ricardo Lopes is an award-winning author, speaker, trainer, and coach at Advanced Leadership. Advanced Leadership is a creative and enthusiastic group that’s passionate about empowering businesses, and the people in them, to meet with greater success. It lends expertise and support in communications, training, employee engagement, and performance. In essence, it helps organizations, and the people in them, better communicate, collaborate, and generate extraordinary results, both within the organization and with their customers.  Ricardo has held several communications, training and development, and national sales development roles generating perennial record sales performances over multiple decades. Ricardo has coaching, speaking, and training accreditation from The John C. Maxwell Team and licensed access to its training materials. John C. Maxwell is a many time over best-selling author and is recognized internationally as one of the world’s top leadership and management development experts. Ricardo talks about coaching and how it helps improve performance.

Ricardo please tell me a little about you?

I’m a coach, speaker, and trainer at Advanced Leadership. We’re a learning and performance company that empowers organizations and the people in them, to better communicate, collaborate, and generate extraordinary results – with their peers, customers, and the teams they’re privileged to lead.  I’ve worked for almost 30 years in the business and corporate worlds, contributing in several roles such as a national business development coach and communications specialist more recently, and as a sales manager, sales officer trainer, and communication consultant, etc. prior to that.

How do you help executives increase their unique value proposition?

I work with individuals to identify the strengths that make them unique and help them play to them.  No one does you as well as you do you.  When you contribute to areas of strength, results come more naturally to you and you can accomplish far more in that area than someone who’s struggling or not engaged in the task at hand. The trick is to challenge yourself continually, by applying those strengths to new challenges, to ensure you keep growing.  

How important is it for an executive to communicate effectively?

I can’t think of anything MORE important.  But let’s be clear about something, according to the Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication, words only make up 7% of any message. Voice tonality and body language contribute 38% and 55%, respectively, to the intended meaning of a message.  This is why you can watch two people relay the same request with great variation in how people respond.  There are a number of leadership skills that executives need to develop to better influence, inspire, and generate results.  These are the soft skills that are mandatory and are very accurate predictors of how far any leader will go. No one cares how smart you are, the question is, do you have the leadership skills to influence, inspire, and generate results with a group of uniquely skilled individuals around you?

Is it important to get a little deeper when networking or should we just get the business card?

Less is more.  Meet with fewer people, get to know them, and build trust.  We do business with and create business opportunities for, people we know, like, and trust.  You can have the greatest skills or widget to sell, but if you fail to develop that connection, your business card will meet with someone’s wastepaper basket.  I might be showing my age but I love business cards.  I think they say something about a person.  I like to write two or three things that make that person unique right on the card when I get home and save them. You can only discover that information after investing some time with them. I organize them by groups of people I affiliate with and like to flip through them before I attend an event.  Even with the best of intentions, it’s hard to remember every detail when you meet so many people.  It takes a little bit of effort to flip through these mini cue cards, but the reward is seeing the smile of appreciation on that person’s face when you’ve remembered them and made them feel special.

How important is it for an executive to have balance in their lives?

Very Important. Balance brings a diversity of experience and thought that makes you more valuable to the organization. Balance makes sure you have the energy to endure the crunch. Balance ensures you are clear about your ‘why’.  When you clearly identify what you value outside of work, and allow yourself to participate in those activities or the lives of others, they become inspirations.  They help you find the last bit of gas in the tank that you need, to do what you must, in order to provide the means to continue to enjoy those moments outside of work.

You were in financial services for more than two decades give me some personal advice on finance?

First save, save, save.  Deduct right off your paycheck and learn to live within what’s left.

Second, there’s a great little button on most income tax software, “How much can I borrow such that my tax refund will pay off the loan”.  Now take your refund and pay off the loan you just took to grow your savings.  Let’s say you borrowed five grand and deposited it to your RRSP savings, now you have five grand plus all the growth it’s going to generate between now and the day in retirement when you take it out. All this, for what it cost you in nominal interest charges incurred from the day you borrowed and the day your tax refund was applied against the loan.

How is your coaching unique and helps executives feeling more empowered?

I love that word! If I could describe what we do in three words, it would be “Authentically you, empowered”. I would say my approach to coaching draws a clear line between coaching and mentoring.  They are not one and the same.  It’s troubling to watch pairings of individuals where the expectation is that a poor millennial is supposed to somehow follow, and start emulating, a decorated baby boomer or GenX for example.  I’ve met with success in leadership positions driving sales etc., but it would be a less productive coaching session if I tried to grow a mini-me.  What worked for me played to my strengths and worked in a time and place.  Even if I executed exactly as I did some years ago, the dynamics and circumstances could have changed and hence the same approach, by the same person, executed the same way, isn’t guaranteed to work.  I encourage clients to identify their strengths and play to them, this generates small and large wins that build confidence and momentum.

One other unique aspect I would say is addressing belief paradigms and the battle between the conscious and unconscious mind.  The unconscious is supposed to protect us and keep us safe from the unknown or re-experiencing something that put us in harm’s way.  Sometimes, those belief paradigms serve us well, other times they’re holding us back, and we need someone outside our head to encourage us to push past them. Once we’ve pushed past them and succeed, our subconscious accepts a new normal and will no longer generate the very real physical manifestation of pain, anxiety, etc. in its attempts to discourage us from going for it!

What other value do you bring to help authentically empower others?

I like to describe our company as a passionate and enthusiastic bunch who enjoy empowering organizations and the people in them, to meet with greater success.  How we help, is by lending support and expertise in four key areas; communications, training, employee engagement, and performance.  What we do essentially is to help organizations and the people in them better communicate, collaborate, and generate extraordinary results, both within the organization and with their customers.  As an example, to kick off the new year in 2019, we’re doing training for entrepreneurs and small business that is open to the general public.  We’re helping them craft messages to effectively promote their business in public and close the sale while building their confidence. Many wonderful people are great artisans, service people, or craftspeople, but they are not salespeople and may never be. When you get big enough, you can pass on promoting your business in public and closing the sale of your widget or book to someone else. Until then, you need to get it done yourself, or risk being one of 50% of businesses who fail within the first five years. Often, the failure has nothing to do with the service or product they provide, the challenge is their inability to sell it.  It’s also heart-wrenching to meet a perennial networker whose own inner circle is hard-pressed to describe what that person does!  Even with the best intentions, their inner circle doesn’t know how to promote their fellow networker because they don’t have clear messaging regarding just what they do or sell.  Our event will empower these folks to conquer their fear of public speaking, promote their business and close the sale. Together we’ll craft engaging value propositions, elevator speeches, and on stage / public presentations in a 3-day over 4-weeks experiential learning workshop.

How do you balance food, faith, finance, and family in the 21st century?

Balance to me means you acknowledge the importance of different aspects of a full, and well-functioning life.  That involves setting goals and executing them in each area.  Food is your body’s enricher.  Garbage in, garbage out. Plan and do the work to eat well.  Faith, if you’re blessed with it, will help you better appreciate you’re a spiritual being having a human experience, not the other way around.  That said, take care of your body such that you have a place to carry your inner being, while having the strength and wellness to do, and experience, all that you can on this journey.  Finance is an enabler; it’s not the most important thing in one’s life, but it’s right up there next to oxygen! Family love you, often unconditionally.  It’s hard to find a stronger set of raving fans.  Schedule time together, even if it’s the most mundane “I drive you to x event”, and “mom drives you to y event”.  Put down the smartphone and talk to each other, be present.  Schedule couple time/family time with as much commitment as you would the most important thing you have to do because it is.

The post How Coaching Improves Performance appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank.  Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses,  our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be.  This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment.   The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries.  Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker.  My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ.  With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?  

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes,  the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature.  Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear.  How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be.  How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience.  Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings.  The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?    

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices.  Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?    

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success.  Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us.  As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I am in my 25th year of marriage. I am reminded of Michelle Obama, who said that “Our greatness comes when we appreciate each other’s strengths, when we learn from each other, when we lean on each other”. I make mistakes all the time in my marriage. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery reminds us that “One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, love your spouse, treat her with respect, give her a big hug, and appreciate that she is different from you.

Appreciate your partner

I am having dinner with Debbie, Brian, and Sarah two weeks before my wedding.

Brian was the minister who was going to marry me. This was an opportune time to pick his brain.

Brian was a decade older. We did not have much in common. We had our disagreements. He was married for a while. I did respect him because he had a great marriage. He adored his wife.

Brian, what is the secret to a great marriage? I was expecting the following answers:

– Go to the e-harmony website and look at the 29 characteristics to have to be successful
– Pray together
– Spend quality time together
– Do not go to bed angry
– Keep the fights clean and the s.. dirty
– Be sensitive to her
– Just humble out and say you are sorry
– Build a triangle with God being the third

All of the above were great points. However, he surprised me with “enjoy each other’s difference”.

To be honest with you, I did not take what he was saying seriously. I was focusing more on the wine and the steak. I was excited about the wedding. 

After the honeymoon phase, things were becoming clearer. I was type A, Debbie was type Z negative. I was a hardcore disciplined individual. Debbie thought that word was Latin. I made 3 months 1 year and 5-year plans, Debbie flew by the seat of her pants. I was outgoing and carried my heart on my sleeve, Debbie was the stiff upper lip Scottish.

She forgave easily. I did not know how to spell forgiveness. I did not have patience, she had all the time in the world. I was prideful and full of myself. She was humble, down to earth with no pretensions. The big one. I was born in a home surrounded by about 10 women. Debbie was raised by her dad. She brought the toolbox into the wedding. I was brand conscious; she did not know the difference between a Toyota and a Mercedes let alone between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild and a Chilean Red. Enjoy each other’s differences, I said to myself. Easier said than done.

It finally hit me what Brian said. Did he give this advice to every couple who asked? He probably knew both our temperaments. No matter what it was wisdom?

It made me look at life differently.

Rather than seeing Debbie’s shortcomings, I just appreciate that she is different. It makes me understand why we are in each other’s life. Opposites attract. Marrying someone unlike you is exciting and challenging. Marrying a clone is boring. It also helped me to appreciate my own past and why I react the way I do.
The home does not have to be pristine clean every time. We do not have to be perfect. It also helped me get off the performance-driven treadmill.

It has helped me in my friendships. I do not get upset or angry just because someone disagrees with me. I am glad someone has another angle. It is ok to be friends with a tree hugger or a left-wing hawk. I need to have compassion for that 40-year-old legalist, who has never had a job, lives at home but sends me countless emails inviting me to all these life-changing events. It is his way of doing things. 

It has helped me in my business decisions. Being emotionally intelligent help, you make rational decisions. I might look at a business from a pure momentum play. Another has a bottom’s up approach. Alternatively, someone has a top-bottom way of doing research.

It has helped me deal with other Christian denominations. It has made me accepting, less judgmental, finding common ground and looking at the heart rather than playing church Olympics.

A friend recently remarked that he has known me for the last 30 years and this is the happiest I have ever been. Another remarked I am balanced.

I am sure it has to do with me getting older, wiser, married and being a father. A big portion of it is “enjoy each others difference”.

The post Appreciate Each Others Differences appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is psychotherapy?

Talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, is used to help people deal with challenges in life, emotional difficulties, and mental illness. Psychotherapy helps a person to make their life better through introspection and healing.

If we start being honest about our pain, our anger, and our shortcomings instead of pretending they don’t exist, then maybe we’ll leave the world a better place than we found it. – Russell Wilson

Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road. – Unknown

Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. – Fred Rogers

The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about. – Unknown

Introduction

I got the most horrifying text of my life. A very close friend of mine, since college, passed away on Tuesday, early morning.

It is not possible. We just spoke on Monday morning. We were going to have lunch on Thursday. I was teasing him about being the king of Facebook. Also, since his dad was 90, I told him that he would probably outlive all of us and therefore attend my funeral.

After that, on a cold day in March, here I was at the funeral home facing his cold, lifeless body. In addition, a thousand memories since we were teenagers kept flashing across my mind.

The same year in April, a young gentleman drove a van across a street where I had lived for more than a decade, killing 10 people and injuring 16.

Similarly, in July as I was heading to the Danforth for a meeting, another male shot and killed 2 people and injured 13 at a nearby restaurant.

Three incidents in less than six months hit home. Why? Could any of the above situations be avoided?

Life happens

My close friend had issues from a young age. It tormented him. Over the years, I begged him, pleaded with him to get help. In 2015, he lost his job and disappeared. I finally got hold of him six months later and he was putting up a front. In 2017, I took him out for lunch for his birthday. Little did I realize that would be the last time I would be seeing him. We spoke throughout the summer, about his marriage, his parenting and how he felt about living in the basement of his parents’ home.

Above all, unemployed, separated from his wife, alone, lonely, feeling rejected, drugs and booze became his best friends. What stopped him from getting help? Did he not realize the hurt he was causing those close to him and especially his kids?  How come he did not know his limits and boundaries? Why did he not seek psychotherapy?

What is masculinity?

As I think about my friend and the other two men, involved in the killings, I am forced to ask myself, why do men not get help? Is it a sign of weakness? Is it considered macho to just suck up and deal with your issues through drugs, porn and substance abuse? Is this masculinity?

Or is masculinity dealing with our issues head-on, accepting responsibility for where you are in life, being grateful, forgiving and getting help?

I wish the three men would have got help. They could have avoided so much pain for themselves and those around them.

Advantages of getting help

When you go to see a psychotherapist, you get feedback on what you are going through from an objective perspective. Here is a trained third-party individual who listens, gives you feedback on what you are going through.

The second advantage is that you get to deal with your negative past. The therapist might ask you to write down your hurts, resentments, bitterness issues, challenges or just he/she will listen.

The third advantage is that it allows you to get in touch with reality. When you are doing drugs, booze, porn, and sleeping around, these are helping you to escape reality.

The fourth advantage is that you end up in better mental and physical health.

The fifth advantage is that it allows you to get to the root cause of your problems. The therapist gives you healthy coping mechanisms.

The final advantage is that you learn to take it easy on yourself and finally no one is judging you at the clinic. They are all encouraged that you have the courage and guts to deal with your issues.

I challenge you that if you are facing issues no matter what go ahead and get professional help.

The post Get Help: See A Psychotherapist appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Resilience is how well people deal with and bounce back from the challenges of life. Resilience is the process of adjusting positively as you face challenges, tragedy, adversity, threats, and major sources of stress like job loss, divorce, financial issues, health problems, workplace discrimination, or the current COVID crisis. Resilience is not only about bouncing back, but also about learning and growing from the experience. The challenges are difficult and painful, but one needs to be aware of what they can control. Resilience helps you walk through the challenging times in your life and empowers you.

Resilience does not mean you will not face challenges in your life. The truth is that some of the most resilient people have faced and gone through the most challenging things a person can face. Resilience can be learned and involves developing actions, behaviors, and thoughts that help you bounce back from traumatic events in your life.

The Three  Aspects of Resilience

Susan Kobasa, a leading psychologist, talks about the three aspects of resilience. The first is the challenge. When you are facing difficulties in your life, you have to see it as a challenge and not as an event that will paralyze you. The difficulty has to be viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow, and not negatively. The second is that you have to be committed to your goals, values, ethos, friendships, relationships, and beliefs, and find a reason to get up in the morning. The third part is to focus on what you can control. When you focus on what you can control and let go, you feel confident and empowered. If you focus on what you cannot control, it will make you feel powerless.

Where is My GPS?

Life on planet Earth does not come with a GPS. However, the challenges and the traumatic events of life on Earth can impact us negatively. These events bring up a variety of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and uncertainty. Debbie has been battling cancer for six months. Last week I got a text that someone I have known my whole life committed suicide. I have been asked a lot about how I manage to stay resilient. Here are my eleven secrets to staying resilient. I have included quotes from strong women who have been resilient in their lives.

Find a purpose and a deeper meaning

Grief and resilience live together – Michelle Obama, Becoming

One of my best friends committed suicide two years after high school. In the last few years, I have lost one of my closest friends from university and another from the business world. Last week, someone from my youth group committed suicide. As we come across a tragedy or a crisis in our personal lives we have to find a sense of purpose. I started a blog, got more involved in volunteering, more introspective, and started aligning all my activities with my goals and values.

As Debbie fights cancer, I am learning to become more compassionate, understanding, kind, and gentle.

Be Positive about your capabilities

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it – Maya Angelo

When Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was handling it the best. She was just confident. I learned from her that we have to be confident about our capabilities on how to handle this event in our family. I had to focus on what we call a SWOT analysis in the business world. However, I had to focus on my strengths and keep the positive tape in my brain going.

Friendships are important

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance – Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

I would not have made it through the present crisis without close friends. I continue to stay connected with friends and cousins to share my feelings about what I am going through. This support does wonders for our emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and psychological health.

It is important to also connect with people who are understanding, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, and who validate what you are going through. I have spoken to many people whose spouses have gone through cancer. It helps what you are feeling is natural. Sometimes there is a natural tendency to isolate ourselves. It is important to connect with people.

The only constant in life is change

Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive – Jean Chatzky

When I was doing my MBA and as we studied about companies that survived and those that perished the only difference was the survivors adapted to change. We have to constantly adapt to our surroundings. Stick to your values and core concepts but we have to adapt. Those that are flexible and embrace the changes thrive in the long run. I had to adapt my lifestyle and my attitude about being a spouse of a cancer patient.

Be Confident 

Like tiny seeds with potent power to push through tough ground and become mighty trees, we hold innate reserves of unimaginable strength. We are resilient – Catherine DeVrye, The Gift of Nature

When we are going through challenging times, it is tough to be confident in the tunnel. However, you have to cling to hope and focus on staying positive. Positive thinking does not mean you ignore the problem or the challenges you are facing. It means that the stumbling blocks are temporary and we need to focus on our capabilities to handle the challenge. I am confident that after chemo and radiation Debbie will make it through the end of November.

Self-care

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow – Mary Anne Radmacher

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You need to eat healthy food, get sleep, rest, build new skills, and even seek counseling.

Focus on solutions, not problems

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it – Helen Keller

No matter what we are going through, focus on solutions. Do not ask why me but what now. There are times when there is no solution. However, you have to try to take baby steps to make your situation less stressful.

Join a group

She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails – Elizabeth Edwards

I have spoken to many men whose spouses have gone through cancer. When you talk to other people who have gone through similar circumstances it helps you. Join a group of people who are going through similar issues. Talk about it and get together. It will do miracles for you. It is good to talk and get things out. If you keep it inside, you end with a lot of psycho-somatic issues. 

Practice mindfulness

Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life – J.K. Rowling

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. I personally find breathing very helpful.

Focus on one goal

The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

As Debbie goes through cancer, we just take it one day at a time. There is a tendency to focus on the end and how it will all look once chemo and radiation are done.

Ask for help

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good – Elizabeth Edwards

I am bad at asking for help. My wife is even worse. However, I was challenged to ask for help. As I asked for help, I have a meal train for us and people driving Debbie for her chemo and other appointments.

The key takeaway from this post is that whenever you are going through a challenging time, in order to be resilient:

Do not listen to the news, it is all negative, look to other sources for empowerment and inspiration

It is ok to cry and express what you are going through

Go for a walk and connect with nature

Focus on your strengths and be confident

Have a real, deep and vulnerable conversation with a close friend or family member

Talk to someone who has gone through or going through similar challenges like you

Pray, meditate and connect with a higher power

Write what you are going through and feeling

Practice kindness towards others and to yourself

Music inspires and empowers you, listen to it

Breathe deeply

Take it one day and one hour at a time. Focus on the present.

The post Resilience & Stress Management appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.