The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

The post Ten Skills Required to be a Successful Husband appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Dating is a stage in a romantic relationship, where two people meet to assess each other’s suitability as a future partner.

The Feast of St. Valentine, St. Valentine’s Day, or Valentine’s Day is celebrated annually on February 14. It started as a Christian festival to honor the Christian Martyrdom of St. Valentine. February 14 has become an important cultural, commercial and religious celebration globally about love and romance.

Pastor Mark Strickland is the Senior Pastor at Milton Bible Church. I catch up with him to give us some advice on dating and marriage.

Pastor Mark, welcome to my blog.  Tell my audience something important about you?

Thanks, Jerry!  I don’t think of myself as being that important!  What I believe is important is investing in other people and having a strong faith to guide your decisions in life!  That compass of faith, for me, has kept me grounded and has been a reservoir of strength in our marriage.

Mark, during what part of the dating process did you know that Wendy was the one for you?

When Wendy and I were dating, she said something one day that made me realize it.  She said that she respected me and that even if we didn’t always see eye to eye of things, she would support me in life.  The irony of what she said is that it made me want to see eye to eye with her and I value her perspective.  By Wendy being willing to respect me with no strings attached, I actually ended up respecting her more.  The Apostle Paul sums it up in Ephesians 5:21, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  If you can find someone who will do this with you, they just might be the one!

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth?

Haha, yes?  Wendy and I had known each other for several years as friends.  This helped because we had an idea of what we were getting into when we started dating.  Another thing, looking back on it, is that we both held similar core convictions around faith and life, as did our families.  When you’re dating a person and you’re on the same page in several facets of life, it helps with the “smoothness”.  There were some minor things along the way to work on, mostly on my end, but overall we were very similar which helped us a lot.  When I counsel younger people today, I encourage them to date others who they know they can “be on the same page” with, in terms of convictions and core values.

Marriage changes you forever. How have you changed over the years?

I have less hair!

Honestly, I think marriage (and kids) makes you less selfish.  It’s not about you.  It’s about us.  Almost every decision I make usually factors my marriage into the equation.  I’ve said no to really good things so I can say yes to a better thing: my family.

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

We are one of those couples that don’t have a dramatic up and down moment or anything.  That doesn’t make us better or worse, it’s just our story.  When we were dating and got engaged, we made a covenant to each other that divorce would never be an option.  For us, that commitment underpins our whole marriage.  We don’t even think “we have to make through” because not making it through isn’t an option on the table.  Although we’ve never had to use counseling for marriage, I absolutely endorse it to couples who are struggling and would use it if required.  Do whatever it takes to work on yourself and ultimately work on your marriage.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband and father?

Think about the other person.  Be a team player for your family.  My job is Sunday-Thursday, Wendy’s is Monday-Friday.  I have Friday’s off.  For some guys that would mean playing golf, sleeping, video games, etc.  That’s not a family/team mentality.  My Friday look’s like this: pick up groceries, clean the house, pay bills, take kids, cars, animals to appointments.  Wendy is the same.  Our mentality is when you see something that needs to get done, do it.  Be a team.  We’ve brought our kids into this, too.  Our oldest son helps his sisters with homework, the kids help with chores on Saturday morning, etc.  They don’t always love it, and Wendy and I don’t always enjoy the stuff we do.  But that’s a part of what character is about – perseverance.  The Bible puts it this way in James 1 – “Perseverance must finish it’s work so you are mature and complete.”  Persevere and be a team player.

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…..explain?

You shouldn’t really ever stop dating and being romantic.  I’m no Romeo but I try to bring flowers home for Wendy regularly, I try to publicly praise her, and we do our best to go on dates regularly.  We make it a habit to get away for a couple of weekends a year, which is always a highlight.  Some older couples are all mushy and overly cheesy about romance.  Wendy and I don’t do that – it makes us feel uncomfortable!  But we love each other deeply, which keeps romance constant in our marriage.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage.

True.  Okay, not true!  We fight from time to time, as do most couples.  Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “always resolve a fight before you go to bed.”  It’s based on this verse in Ephesians 6, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  We took it literally for the first couple years of our marriage and it led to some brutal late-night arguments.  What we learned about us (and this will be different for every couple) is that we actually often need to go to bed and by the time we wake up whatever we were fighting about seems trivial and we apologize and move on.  The principle is to deal with your anger/fights.  It doesn’t mean you have to stay up till 3 am figuring that out.  Just make sure it’s dealt within a reasonable time – don’t let the sun go down on a fight so that it festers in your heart.

Anything you want to say to your younger self?

Before having kids, go see a gazillion movies in the theaters.

How are food, faith, finance, and family important to you?

That’s a big question.

Food is essential for life.  Wendy and I’s relationship with food has changed over the years, probably for the better.  In our younger days we would eat out a lot, and freestyle grocery shopping and meals.  These days we make a weekly food plan, build out a shopping list, and usually buy groceries online and pick them up at the curb.  It gives us more time together (you can order on the couch watching TV) and gives me more time on Fridays for family things (take 5 minutes to pick up the groceries).

Faith, as you’ve picked up in this interview, is core to our identity.  The only person we love more than each other is God.  That might sound weird, but when you consider that God is the only perfect being who will never let you down, it’s important to find your identity and meaning in Him first.  Out of the strength of who God is, and a relationship with Him, you will be a better spouse to each other.  In all my years as a pastor, I’ve never met a couple who’ve said, “going to church and being a Christian made our life and our family worse!”

Finances for us have been a journey but we’ve developed a system that works.  We practice a monthly budget and allot specific amounts in different categories.  This allows us to save for a few months at a time to buy larger purchases while guaranteeing we have our monthly and in and out money for gas, groceries, kids stuff, etc.  We aren’t chasing money or riches.  Everything we have is God’s, and He just asks us to use the resources in our care wisely.  That’s our goal.

Family, well family is great.  We are the kind of family that likes to do life together.  Even if just Wendy or I could run out to the store and get something, we’ll take everyone and make it an adventure.  We make sure our kids hear that we love them daily, and do what we can to support their dreams, skills, and interests.  We really try to protect our family dinner table.  We eat at the table, TV is off, phones are away, and we make it about our day and our lives.  It’s a time for conversation and sharing of life.  If there’s one thing every family can do that will set kids up for success, eat dinner together, as much as possible.

The post Pastor Mark Strickland: Practical Advice on Dating and Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Intimacy is derived from the Latin word ‘intimus,’ which means ‘inner’ or ‘innermost.’ Intimacy is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.’ Dating and marriage are commonly related to intimacy. There is physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Talk to any couple that has had a kid and ask them about their romantic life. You will not get an answer because it does not exist.

I talk to Alicia, a personal development blogger from FemmAllure, about navigating intimacy and motherhood.

Hi Alicia, please tell me something about yourself?

I’m a mom – first and foremost – a personal development blogger and a language coach. I am from beautiful Jamaica! 

I grew up in a deep rural community here in Jamaica, and for a huge part of my life, I lived in poverty as well. Growing up in such an environment really limited my opportunities and exposure in life and crafted a reality of hopelessness for me. 

My views on almost every facet of life were wrong: money, beauty, dating, happiness, friends, relationship, and parenting. You name it.

However, as I grew older and began my self-acceptance and improvement journey, I forced myself to step outside of my comfort zone, to read and ask questions. To challenge my “reality”. I changed my way of thinking, improved my mindset, and today, I am much better for it. 

It’s now my goal: to reach back to other women who have the same struggles that I had and believe the same myths that I did. To show them that, no, your life isn’t set in stone, and that, yes, you can get that job, that husband, that life. You can start that business, have that home, that family. 

You can pull yourself up no matter how difficult the situation may be, so long as you live in a country where you’re free to make choices, have the right mindset, and are willing to work for that better life. Even if you don’t see how today.

I’m Alicia and I help women find happiness by sharing the processes that took me from being that broke and lonely girl in the country to the woman I am today: with a family I adore and a feeling of genuine happiness. A feeling I never thought I could’ve ever had. A feeling I didn’t think I deserved.

Let’s talk about Intimacy. What is it?

When people think about intimacy, they tend to only think about sex. But intimacy runs so much deeper than that. Keep in mind that you can have sex without intimacy and you can have intimacy without sex. This is something I mentioned in my article How To Keep The Intimacy In Your Relationship After Having Kids.

If you Google “intimacy” the very first definition, you’ll see is “a close familiarity and friendship”. 

Intimacy to me is that deep connection and bond you have with your spouse. It is that desire to connect with them on the soul level. It’s when you have a deep desire for the person. Intimacy to me is that feeling you had at the beginning of the relationship. Where all you wanted to do was to be with them, touch them, see them, smell them, taste them. And when you were a part – even just for a little bit – you missed them very much and couldn’t wait to be together again. Intimacy is a soul connection.

How is intimacy expressed in a relationship?

As I’ve mentioned, for the most part, when people think of intimacy, they think of sex. That’s because the easiest, most common, and best way to express intimacy in a relationship is through sexual intercourse.

Intimacy is also expressed through closeness and spending quality time with your partner. And by quality time, I mean alone time. Spending quality alone time with your partner, where there are no distractions – just the two of you getting lost in each other in the moment – is one of the most important ways to express and keep the intimacy in your relationship.

Don’t forget that intimacy is expressed through the little touches throughout the day as well. The little smiles when your heart is full. Little text messages, gifts. Through words of affirmation, gestures of goodwill. It is important to learn what your love language(s) is(are) as well as that of your partner.

Just keep in mind that getting down and dirty is the perfect end to a perfect day.

How is intimacy impacted by motherhood?

There is no denying that once kids come into the picture, intimacy is drastically impacted. You have screaming kids and leaky boobs. You’re constantly running around picking up after tiny people and preventing them from getting hurt. You’re covered in diapers. You feel like you smell like puke, and when you don’t feel like that you feel like you smell like a baby.

And to add insult to injury, you’ve gained weight so you really don’t feel very attractive.  “Let’s get freaky baby! wink wink” will be the last thing on your mind.

And it’s understandable. For the first few months, your partner is very understanding and he supports you. He’s helpful. He constantly reassures you and puts his manly urges to the back of his mind.

But a few months turn into a year, then two and before you know it, the fire in your relationship is all but gone because you’ve allowed yourself to be “understanding” indefinitely. You slowly become roommates and business partners who happen to live together raising kids and occasionally have sex.

But there’s no intimacy. There’s no connection. You love each other. But you’re no longer connected.

How important is intimacy in motherhood really?

What I just mentioned, is dangerous territory. This opens up the door to all kinds of marital problems. Take my partner and me for example. Before we figured out how to bring the intimacy back into our relationship, we’d fight over everything. ALL THE TIME. Fights would last for days sometimes as other fights piled into existing fights.

Our relationship was dying. Why was that? I mean we deeply loved and cared for each other. So how could two people who love each other and couldn’t imagine their life without each other, be so cross with each other?

We were growing apart. The culprit? A lack of intimacy. We were both good to each other. Never cheated. Never lied. But we kept drifting further and further apart. That caused us to lose that connection that made the little things not matter. We were slowly becoming less and less attracted to each other. We were on the road to becoming acquaintances.

Intimacy is like the cream in a sandwich cookie. Technically you could eat the cookie without the cream but it just wouldn’t be the same, would it? Intimacy is what separates a healthy, functioning relationship between two partners from a platonic one. It’s the intimacy that makes the difference. It’s the intimacy that keeps the flames of passion burning in the relationship. It’s the intimacy that makes it more than just friendship. More than just transactional.

A mother has to do so much and on top of that Intimacy. Is it asking for too much?

As a mom of two boys myself, I can completely understand why this thought would come about. It’s hard sometimes. But I can also say this: I do not think it’s “asking too much”. 

Here’s why: Is it asking too much that your partner shows their love and affection towards you? Is it too much to ask that your partner validates you? Is it too much to ask that your partner makes you feel special? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows you that they still value you the way they did in the beginning or that they value you even more now? Is it too much to ask that your partner shows that they still find you ravishingly attractive?

I think not.

My belief is that it’s only too much when the relationship is – or is becoming – toxic. In other words, your partner doesn’t help you AT ALL. You cannot – or don’t – communicate your desires with your partner. Your partner is not taking care of your needs as well. Your partner does not make efforts to show you that you are appreciated. 

If the woman has to do everything and her partner never pitches in to help her out – or even arrange for her to get the help she needs – then comes home expecting or demanding intimacy from his woman is in fact asking too much.

But if he makes the effort, even if he does not get it right all the time, then I do not believe it’s asking too much. Back to the sandwich cookie analogy. Is it too much to ask that a sandwich cookie has delicious cream in the middle? I think not.

Walk me through how important communication is through the whole process?

Without effective communication between both parties, the intimacy is doomed to die and the relationship will suffer drastically. Even fail. Quite frankly, in my eyes, a relationship with no intimacy is a failed one.

The intimacy in my relationship was threatened with the conception of my second child. We were going through a difficult time in our relationship. I had to work long hours to help keep the family afloat while he tried to build his business.

This is a conversation we had and I encouraged him to do it. At first, I thought it was no big deal. That it wouldn’t affect us. But as the work kept piling up, the intimacy kept dwindling. We had no time for the lovey-dovey stuff. When we weren’t both working our butts to the bone, we were raising my eldest. And for me, since he was going full-time on building his business, it meant I had to work and also take care of the home. 

But his feelings towards me didn’t change. I was gaining weight due to the pregnancy but I was even more attractive to him. So he would still want to get intimate with me. What I realized though was that I was subconsciously developing resentment towards him. He was taking too long. I was doing too much. I was burnt out. I couldn’t manage. But I never shared any of this with him. I just expected him to notice.

Here’s what’s wrong with that: it’s toxic. It meant I was expecting him to see the world through my eyes but I was not extending him the same courtesy. It was only when I decided to share my concerns with him that I realized he WAS also over-extending himself. We were both overworked and stressed. Motherhood was exhausting not only to me but also to him. I had completely forgotten about his needs and was only consumed with my exhaustion.

What fixed it? It was a chat with a girlfriend of mine that put things into perspective for me. She asked me “what did he say when you explained all this to him?” Right then and there, it hit me like a brick to the face: I didn’t. Here is how to communicate this with your partner:

Before you start the conversation, commit to listening attentively without interrupting or getting triggered and ask that he does the same.

Communicate with an open heart

Let go of any resentment

Let go of any expectations that you believe he should have met

Assume he doesn’t know or that he doesn’t understand (because sadly, men are often quite clueless).

Be open to his criticisms

Allow him to be open about his concerns too

Remember your partner has needs too

Remember that you are not communicating to solve your needs. You are communicating to solve both your needs.

Do not accuse or blame each other

This allows you to be completely present in the conversation. It allows you to be open with your partner. It allows you to identify any other weaknesses that may be interfering. It allows you to come to a common, mutually beneficial solution.

Is there a balance?

Yes. There is a balance but that balance can only be achieved through open communication and willing hearts. Both parties will have to meet each other halfway no matter how difficult it may seem at first. 

It is not possible for me to say what the exact balance is because every relationship dynamic is different. Let’s say a couple used to have intimate time together every day before kids and now that’s nonexistent or it has been reduced to once a week. 

So you schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly date nights. That might be an okay balance for some couples but for others, it might not be. There is no one-size-fits-all. You have to evaluate your unique relationship dynamic, communicate openly and honestly with your partner, so you can find the balance that works for you.

Not what works for someone else. What works for YOU.  What you should pay attention to though is if the relationship is struggling or the connection between the two of you feels as though it’s waning. Because if that’s the case, it means the balance hasn’t been struck.

Can a mother be empowered through intimacy with her partner?

A mother can most definitely be empowered through intimacy with her partner. It is empowering to know that you are still desired. That you are still the most beautiful woman in his world. That above all else, he wants to share that part of himself with you and only you.

For me, one of the most empowering feelings is when I get dressed up in something extra special and extra sexy for him. Then I see him take notice or he can’t keep his hands off me. It’s empowering for me to know that I am the one who fulfills that primal need for him.

What are some unrealistic expectations both parties need to let go of?

Expecting your partner to just know or expecting it to be “obvious to them”

Expecting your partner to always take the intuitive

Expecting your partner to suppress their needs

Expecting your partner to fulfill your needs without reciprocating

Expecting your partner to always be ready all the time

Expecting things to be the same as it was before you had kids

These are some unrealistic expectations that are pretty common in relationships as it relates to intimacy post-having kids. However, these expectations are not only toxic, but they are also dangerous and can be damaging to your bond and the relationship as a whole. 

Harboring these kinds of expectations is a sure way for resentment to be fostered because these expectations cannot be met 100% of the time. If they are met at all, it will be very rare and require your partner to overextend themselves. That is not healthy as it stretches the person too thin. They are bound to snap at some point and that is making a bed for bitter arguments.

Give me some practical advice on how mothers can enhance intimacy in their relationships?

Mindset

If you are serious about making changes in your life, you must first start with your mind. This is no less true when it comes to building or strengthening the intimacy in your relationship.

You must change the way you view intimacy in the relationship. As I’ve mentioned before, when we think of intimacy, we tend to think of sexual intercourse but you must change that view and recognize that intimacy goes so much deeper.

You must also retrain your brain and refrain from thinking of intimacy as a chore. If you view intimacy as the truest expression of your love for your partner, then you are much more likely to be present in each moment.

It starts with you (spend time alone)

Kids in the picture mean hardly enough time to spend time together as a couple! So naturally, it means alone time is almost impossible. I’ve explored that concept on my blog but trust me when I say this, intimacy starts with you. 

You NEED to spend time reconnecting with yourself if you ever hope to be truly present with your partner. Alone time also helps you to think of ways you can promote intimacy in your relationship. Alone time helps you to reconnect with the foxy vixen inside you. 

Build your confidence back

I actually wrote an article on building your body confidence back after having a kid. Because the reality is that, once we have kids our body changes. Because our body changes, it creates insecurities. These insecurities affect our ability to connect and be intimate with our partners.

If you want to build intimacy in your relationship but you struggle with body image issues, you have to work on improving that first. You can’t bury it and you cannot ignore it. You must face the beast head-on. 

Once you’ve conquered it, you’ll be much more able to appreciate yourself. Your experiences won’t be clouded by insecurities and you’ll be much more willing to express your sensuality with your partner. And enjoy it!

Communicate with your partner

Every healthy, functioning relationship is fueled by effective communication. You must learn to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You must be willing to deal with the tough conversations so you can strengthen the bond with the one you love. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

No, he’s not “supposed to know”. No, it’s not “obvious”. You’re supposed to tell him. You’re supposed to be open and honest about your feelings, wants, and desires. 

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the way you do. Don’t expect your partner to understand or perceive the world the way you do. Release yourself of those toxic expectations so you can openly communicate with your partner.

You shouldn’t be afraid to lovingly communicate with your partner because you deserve intimacy in your relationship just as much as he craves it. And why wouldn’t you? It makes for a much healthier, happier, and stronger relationship.

Take the initiative (set the mood)

Don’t always rely on your partner to take the initiative. It truly does make a man feel valued and appreciated when he is pursued sometimes. Naturally, as with everything, there is a balance to be maintained because you still want to let him feel as if his primal need to be a hunter is being met.

What you can do is drop subtle hints. Leave him a love note. Send him a dirty text. Wear something revealing for him around the house. Give him a peep show when the kids aren’t looking.

Remember intercourse is only one expression of intimacy but that connection can be greatly enhanced if you include these little things in your daily routine. Intimacy is about the little moments that lead up to the big moment, so take the initiative to create those little moments sometimes. It will go a long way.

The post Navigating Intimacy & Motherhood appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Just type dating in the 21st century and you get sixty million results. There is online dating, speed dating, friends with benefits dating, and the list never ends. I live in a city of six million people, and the number one complaint I hear from women is where are the men? Tia Conner coaches single women for dating in becoming the right woman rather than looking for the right man.

Tia, please share with my audience something about you?

Hi Jerry! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for your blog. It means a lot to me that you appreciate my line of work and want to help me share my passion with others.

My name is Tia Conner and I am a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Professional Coach. I have been coaching since 2014 and I’m truly blessed that I get to have fun every day when I go to “work.”

When people would ask me what was I passionate about, I was never one to say ‘oh I am passionate about acting’ or ‘I’m passionate about marketing and business development.’ My answer would always fall back to “I am passionate about helping people.” And that’s what I get to do every single day and I love it!

A fun fact that most people do not know about me is that I love pageantry and salsa dancing. When I was younger, I always wanted to become Miss America or Miss USA. In fact, in my younger years, I competed for my local/state preliminary for Miss USA. Did I win… no, but I tied for top 10. That experience taught me so many valuable skills and life lessons.

I know you offer the Purposely Aligned Signature Course. What is it about? Who is it for? How does it benefit women?

My course, Purposely Aligned Signature Course is an 8-week transformation course geared towards single women. In these 8 weeks, I teach single women to become mentally attractive by eliminating stress and manxiety, inspiring breakthroughs, and aligning them to their Godly purpose while in their waiting season.

This course benefits women because most women want a happy and healthy relationship. However, I think it is important for women to realize that it starts with going within. Understanding common traits that hinder them from achieving this goal of meeting their mate. So in my course, we go within, figure out the why’s and how’s of their challenges and then we transform them.

You talk about you were in a dead-end job and your dating life was dead in the water. You turned it around. Walk me through how you did it?

Whew… that’s such a loaded topic lol. Yes, so my previous job, as a Product Specialist, for an automotive maker didn’t have room to grow. I was basically a glorified spokesmodel. Although there were many perks, ie: travel, there were many challenges. I graduated with my MBA several years prior and I didn’t feel as if I was utilizing my degree. Additionally, there were many toxic experiences that happened in that environment ranging from sexual harassment all the way to racism. So with all of that being compounded, I knew in my heart that it was time for me to go. There was just so much imbalance and uncertainty and it also made dating extremely hard.

I realized that I was taking on toxic behaviors in my dating life because I was surrounded by toxicity. I became emotionally unavailable to attracting emotionally unavailable men. It was a cycle! A terrible one!

I was able to turn it around by getting REAL with myself. I had to do a lot of work! During that time I found so many golden nuggets that helped me and I’ve basically collected those nuggets and created my course around it. These same nuggets I’ve coach individual clients with and any received great results.

Some women get eager, anxious with their waiting season and the biological clock is running against them. What do you tell these women?

I tell women to relax and be anxious for nothing. Being in that energy or headspace does nothing but create more anxiety in that area of their life. When that happens, that’s when bad choices are made and they’ll try to make a square peg fit in a round hole. I encourage them to get mentally attractive first and then the rest will fall into place!

Is dating on Tinder good for our self-esteem and how does it affect us negatively?

I think that online dating once was a good thing but took a turn for the worst. At the beginning of online dating, it made sense for those who have a busy life and created an opportunity to meet people that you wouldn’t otherwise meet. I think now, dating apps make dating more complicated. It became impersonal and made it a lot harder for those looking to a serious relationship to find one because of all of the “posers” they have to sift through.

What are the three qualities women need to see in a man before they decide they want to marry him? Please do not tell me he needs to love God and be super spiritual. That can be faked.

The top 3 qualities that a woman should look for are:

• Consistent action, do his actions match his words? Choose someone who keeps choosing you.
• Does he make you laugh…that’s key. You want to be with someone who can put a smile on your face.
• Integrity… I think that’s self-explanatory. However, you want to be with someone who has integrity and is honest. Basically someone who believes in doing the right thing.

You asked for 3 but my 4th is someone who loves their mother. I am a firm believer of how he treats his mother is how he will treat you.

Do you believe that God has someone out there for us or we need to become intentional and go out there and find a man?

Hmmm, interesting question…

I think it can be both. James 2:14-26 says “Faith without works is dead.” But if you are actively searching, do so with the right spirit, mindset, and intentions.

I have a few female friends who are too picky and they have these high expectations that even Jesus could not meet. They want a tall, dark, handsome, great career, super sensitive, and a believer. Talk to me what do you tell these women?

I say that it’s ok to have standards but if you are expecting the impossible, then you are potentially bypassing your Mr. Right. You have to learn to relax. What are the absolute deal breakers? and what are the things are a nice-to-have but it’s ok if they don’t have it?

Food, faith, finance, and family, how do you balance all of this?

It’s about carving out time and creating balance for these things that are important to me. I also live by a schedule to see/call my key tribe members. I designate time to manage my financing a bi-weekly basis. Faith is a daily practice before I start my day.

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In a few weeks, I will be completing 19 years of marriage. I do not have a formula, but I do have marriage tips.

On the day of my marriage, if you had told me that within five years, five men in my wedding party, the minister that did the premarital counseling, the DJ, and the MC at my wedding would all get divorced, I would say seriously? But that is the truth.

Am I better because I have been married for 19 years? No. Am I perfect? No. Do I have everything figured out? No. However, I do ask many couples for their marriage tips.

I dated Debbie for nearly two years. I have to be honest. Many people questioned my choice. However, I knew myself and my gaps. Debbie filled those gaps.

On the day of my marriage, I had hair, abs chiseled by playing squash three times a week, working out, and swimming. 19 years later, the hair is gone, there is more blubber than abs, and I am the caretaker as cancer ravages Debbie.

Marriage is a marathon. It is a long drive on the highway. The tire has burst for me. Now what? Give up and walk away. Yell, scream, and shout why me?

I think about Debbie going through a C section for Jean. I think about Debbie taking care of Jean while I was doing my MBA. I was thinking of many times Debbie would get up at 4 am, shovel the snow, so I can leave home at 6.45 am.

Marriage is hard work. It is not a transactional business. Going to church does not protect you. You have to be intentional to work on your marriage.

If you see a successful hockey, basketball, or baseball player, they became successful by putting in many, many hours of hard work and sacrificed along the way.

It’s the same in marriage. There is no instant formula or magic. You get what you put into it. There you go, another tip on marriage.

I am super excited about having Betsy Kerekes. Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her professional experience includes public relations for Franciscan University of Steubenville, proofreading for Patrick Madrid’s Envoy magazine, and contributing to Aleteia, MercatorNet, Catholic Lane, Catholic Exchange, CatholicMom.com, The Southern Cross, and Creative Minority Report. Kerekes serves as editor and director of online publications at the Ruth Institute, where she writes weekly newsletters and manages the blog. She telecommutes from her home near San Diego, where she homeschools her four children and blogs about her parenting adventures at parentingisfunny.wordpress.com. Betsy offers her ten favorite marriage tips.

COVID has made a lot of people stuck at home together when they previously had more space and alone time. Tempers can run high under stressful circumstances. For all couples, married or otherwise, here are ten of my favorite tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage.

1. Enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings, but don’t feel cheated if they go away. Feelings are fleeting. “I like the way I feel with this person” is not enough to sustain a marriage for a lifetime.

People often get divorced because they simply fall out of love with each other. “The chemistry is gone,” they say. It’s impossible to stay madly in love 24/7, but simple reminders of your feelings for each other (past and present) can help keep the flame alive. Read old journals from when you first met. Leave love notes for each other. Make up a scavenger hunt with a romantic prize at the end. The possibilities are endless, and falling in love with the same person can be just as exhilarating the second, third, and twelfth time around.

2. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You can take care of yourself. Know that you will be okay, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do.

Knock yourself out of the mindset that your spouse has often done this or that for you, and therefore should always do those things for you. Sometimes that just won’t be possible, and that’s okay, because you’re a big kid. You will survive, even if it means squishing the big spider yourself, pulling the chair over to reach the top shelf on your own, or cooking for yourself. It may mean listening to “Eye of the Tiger” several times in advance, but you can do it.

3. Make a decision to take care of household issues that really matter to you. You won’t need to nag your spouse about something truly important to you because you will be solving the problem yourself.

Believe it or not, social scientists have studied the question of housework: who does it, who complains about it, and what difference it makes. Study after study shows that women are happier when they feel appreciated for their contributions, and men are happier when they don’t feel nagged. So, if the housework is nagging at you, don’t nag at each other! Just take care of it! And if your spouse takes care of something, say thank you.

4. Practice giving to your spouse. “I’m getting up to get a cup of coffee. Can I get something for you?”

Anticipate your spouse’s needs. If you notice your spouse’s cup is half empty (or half full, if you prefer), get up for more before your spouse even notices he or she is running low. It will make him or her happy and even bring delight to your own heart when you know you’ve done a good deed. Remember, it’s those little unexpected things that carry the most weight.

5. Relinquish control of small issues. You will be building up the feeling of teamwork within your home. You will feel a lot less stressed yourself if you let go of the need to win on trivial issues. And you’ll be in a much stronger position to stand your ground when the two of you disagree over something really important.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, or you’ll drown in it.” In a marriage, it’s critical to recognize the small stuff and to remember what is the biggest: your relationship. Don’t raise your blood pressure because she ate the last of the mint chocolate chip ice cream or because he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end. But really, in the little debates, the one who feels less strongly on the matter should simply give in to the other. Keep the peace, and keep your spouse.

6. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, even in your mind. If you find yourself mentally rehearsing your grudges, change the subject. Harboring negative thoughts will make you sour.

Have you ever taken a picture of someone right as they sneezed? Those pictures never turn out well. And sometimes when we talk, we say something we didn’t actually mean; it didn’t come outright. Sometimes we’re just having an off day and speak or act more harshly than we normally would. If your spouse does something out of the ordinary, in a hurtful sort of way, he or she may just be having an off day. Give him or her some space and time, and think of that incident as the moment when he or she sneezed as the picture snapped. Throw the photo, and the incident, out of your mind.

7. Accept the fact that each of you is good at a different set of things and cares about a different set of things.

I hate football season. I absolutely dread it every year. To make things worse, it often begins on or around my birthday. For my husband, however, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Consequently, I must endure countless monologues about quarterbacks, linebackers, conferences, stats, and other information that filters loosely through my mind while I try to figure out what to make for dinner. As much as it pains me to endure this useless information, I know that he loves to talk football, and I’m the only person around, short of an imaginary friend, who will listen even remotely. With your loved ones, you make allowances. That’s just the way it is.

8. Plan another time to discuss the issue or solve the problem you’re fighting about.

Certain times just aren’t good for arguments. Late at night, right before dinner when you’re both hungry, or when company is over are obvious examples. “Don’t go to bed angry” is not the best advice. Chances are, you won’t be thinking clearly or rationally when you’re tired. Sometimes, it’s better to postpone the inevitable discussion so that each of you can have time to cool off and think out your position rationally. Just remember that when you do return to the war room, be honest, open, and willing to listen.

9. Sing. We often “get stuck” on a negative idea during a fight. Neuroscience has shown that singing helps us use both halves of the brain. Singing helps you get “unstuck.”

You may find yourself starting off with “These boots are made for walking” or “Any man of mine better walk the line,” but after a while, you’ll be able to move yourself on from the thwarted romance genre to a sappy love song, preferably a duet.

I have friends who sing their arguments or speak with an accent so they don’t take themselves, or each other, too seriously. It also helps them get over it sooner. Try it sometime.

10. Allow yourself to enjoy your spouse’s surprises. He or she contributes to your household in all sorts of ways that might never occur to you. “I didn’t think of playing games with the children. I was focused on chores, and you created some pleasure in our home. Thank you.”

It’s good every once in a while to do something spontaneous. It keeps the marriage fresh and lively. Be happy to receive such actions and open to doing them yourself. Pay attention, also, to the nonspontaneous but wonderful things your spouse does all the time that you may take for granted. The example in this tip also reminds us to occasionally take a break from the daily grind and to appreciate what really matters.

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