All my life, I have felt like an outlier or a highly sensitive person. I like to write, act, visit the theatre, art, travel, and take photographs. Sometimes in society, some activities are considered macho and manly. As a result, other activities are considered feminine. I also felt I was more emotional, sentimental, and more in touch with my feelings and emotions. However, as I get older, become a husband and father, I realized it is these very qualities that have helped me become a better person. As time has gone on, I have learned to apply filters, boundaries, and the importance of self-care.

I interviewed Dr. Fitzpatrick a while back, and the interview was very popular. We did another interview on healthy boundaries, which is one of the most popular interviews, read by women in sixty countries. As we started talking, she mentioned how she is a highly sensitive person. I asked her to do a guest post for me. This is my first guest post. As a control freak, it is not easy. Valerie is erudite, smart, intelligent, in touch with her own feelings, emotions, and links the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects together.

I want to write about being a highly sensitive person because knowledge is power.  That has been the case for me, and I hope it will be the case for others.  I am writing this article for highly sensitive people and empaths, as well as for the people in their lives. Sensitivity can contribute to stress, illness, and relationship problems, low mood, as well as environmental sensitivities. Yet, sensitivity can also contribute to beautiful depth and fulfillment in life. 

The terms for a highly sensitive person

There has been much research in recent years on high sensitivity, with different terms used by different researchers looking at this personality trait. I have seen the terms:

Highly Sensitive Person 

Sensory Processing Sensitivity 

High-reactive

Empath

Sensate

Kinesthetic

Perceptive processor

Whatever term you want to use, there is a very real fact that a portion of the population (some researchers estimate 10-20%) is made up of highly sensitive people. This is not a disorder, it is just a different way of experiencing the world, a different way of being. Just because the majority of the world population experiences things differently doesn’t mean that their experience is the correct one. Just different. I now like to think that perhaps the Highly Sensitive People should be considered the “normal’ people, and everyone else could be termed the Low Sensitivity People. Just a thought.

Nature vs. nurture

In her book Quiet, Susan Cain talks primarily about introverts, but because there is some overlap with sensitivity she gets into some of the research. Susan Cain talks about nature versus nurture and the research done on highly-reactive or easily overstimulated infants. Temperament is hard-wired or genetically based (nature) and observable in infancy. Personality develops after family and cultural influences are added into the mix (nurture). Genetic markers and brain function differences have been found in highly sensitive people. It seems that these hard-wired differences make highly reactive or sensitive children then more influenced by the world around them than the average child. So their nature has made them more easily influenced by nurture. Cain mentions a theory put forth by David Dobbs about “orchid children”. His idea was that many children are like dandelions, able to thrive in just about any environment /experience; other children, the highly sensitive types are more like orchids. Orchids will wilt easily in harsh environments, but under the right conditions can grow strong and beautiful. 

Elaine Aron on Highly Sensitive People

Elaine Aron has done a lot of research on Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) and the people who have it, Highly Sensitive People (HSP). Aron says that people who have this temperament or personality trait have increased sensitivity in their central nervous system: deeper processing of physical, social, and emotional information.  She says there is also an increased emotional reactivity and empathy, a greater awareness of environmental subtleties, and a tendency to get easily overstimulated. HSP are often sensitive to light, sounds, smells, pain. They tend to be highly observant and contemplative.  They don’t like surprises. They don’t like being observed or judged. They tend to be philosophical or spiritual. They don’t like small talk. They are often creative and love the natural world and the arts. They feel emotions deeply, all emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. They often notice little changes in the environment or another’s mood, subtle changes that someone else might miss.   

Dr. Judith Orloff on empaths

In her book, The Empath’s Survival Guide, Dr. Judith Orloff mentions that empaths share some or all of the traits of HSP, however, empaths take the experience of the HSP even further.  Empaths can sense subtle energy and can absorb this. Empaths often have trouble distinguishes someone else’s distress or discomfort from their own. In other words, empaths have extremely reactive neurological systems. Empaths don’t have the same filters that other people have to block out stimulation, and they can absorb the stress around them. This constant stimulation can be exhausting. Empaths also often find themselves in relationships with emotionally unavailable people. Orloff also tells empaths that they should be aware that ‘energy vampires’ and narcissists will be attracted to your openness and loving nature. Whether at work, school or home, energy vampires will happily drain your physical and emotional energy. The toxic ones can make you feel defective or unlovable.

Dr. Orloff, as an empath herself, gives great advice on healthy coping strategies,  navigating relationships, parenting, and avoiding negative coping strategies such as addictions, and overeating.  She stresses the importance for empaths of being out in nature, especially near water. She gives recommendations on recognizing and avoiding energy vampires. She stressed the importance of time alone to be quiet and creative. She suggests taking restful vacations alone to get recharged and meditating rather than grabbing for food or alcohol.

The difference between empathy and being an empath

Just to be clear, ordinary empathy is not the same as being an empath. Ordinary empathy means that you can be sad for someone who is having a difficult time, and you can be happy for someone who has a happy life event.  Being an empath, you sense the other person’s emotions and sometimes even their physical symptoms in your own body. Empaths feel first and then think. This is different from other people who have had some defenses up since childhood. 

My own journey

Since childhood, I felt that something was wrong with me. I was physically strong, enjoying weight-training, running, swimming. Yet I was prone to motion sickness, strong skin reactions to air pollutants or water pollutants or mold or dust. I also started reacting to many foods, and then to synthetic perfumes and air fresheners.  I felt energized by some people and quickly exhausted by others. I would get strong feelings of discomfort about certain people or situations but was told I was being silly. I felt the stress of going against my ‘gut feeling’ because ‘logic’ told me otherwise. 

In recent years I have happily learned that I do not have a disorder or weakness, but just a different way of being, a different way of experiencing the world.  I am now grateful for being highly sensitive and empathic. I am grateful that I can feel highly moved by art, poetry, nature. Grateful that I have been able to make a deep meaningful connections with others.  I am grateful for the blessing of being able to connect with my patients/ clients in my work as a chiropractor. I have realized that I can trust my intuition about people and situations, and to find certainty in that inner knowing. 

I am learning how to manage my sensitivity and my time to make sure that I don’t get overstimulated or exhausted.  I have found that Somato-Respiratory Integration, yoga, chiropractic care, and Eden Energy Method exercises are very helpful in strengthening my sense of personal space and personal energy.  Mindful meditation, prayer walks and creating art also helps ground me. When I feel overstimulated, or overwhelmed I know that I can use one of these tools. I can postpone or remove something from my schedule. I have learned to prioritize; first things first, the rest can wait. I know when I need to do less, be alone, and recharge. I am a social person and I truly enjoy time with others, but time with others can also overstimulate me and tire me out.  Now I know to recognize the early signs and change my schedule. In a sense, I have been learning how to create a healthy filter for myself.

I think a tragic example of a highly sensitive person who has experienced only the burden of sensitivity is the character of Fiona in the movie About a Boy. (spoiler alert) Fiona is a single mother. She cares about her son so she knits him homemade sweaters and makes healthy homecooked meals. She cares about damage to the planet and animal-cruelty so she sticks to a vegetarian diet.  She cares about people with challenges so she works as a music therapist for children with disabilities. She cares about political prisoners and social injustice so she supports Amnesty International. She cares about other peoples’ needs more than her own so she graciously invites her ex-husband, his new girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s mother to Christmas dinner. Fiona is also severely depressed and attempts suicide. Sometimes people who care the most, hurt the most. Sometimes people who feel the most, who take on the world’s problems as a personal burden, who have no filter to distinguish ‘self’ from the ‘other’, feel a pain that feels impossible to live with. 

There are sensitive and empathic people who are living with this type of pain – living like a wilted orchid. The good news is that there are also sensitive and empathic people in this world who, with self-awareness and wise choices, have learned to harness this sensitivity and channel it into careers as brilliant researchers, writers, musician, actors, artists, and healers; into deeply felt lives with intimate relationships – living like a strong majestic orchid. 

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