I am in my 25th year of marriage. I am reminded of Michelle Obama, who said that “Our greatness comes when we appreciate each other’s strengths, when we learn from each other, when we lean on each other”. I make mistakes all the time in my marriage. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery reminds us that “One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, love your spouse, treat her with respect, give her a big hug, and appreciate that she is different from you.

Appreciate your partner

I am having dinner with Debbie, Brian, and Sarah two weeks before my wedding.

Brian was the minister who was going to marry me. This was an opportune time to pick his brain.

Brian was a decade older. We did not have much in common. We had our disagreements. He was married for a while. I did respect him because he had a great marriage. He adored his wife.

Brian, what is the secret to a great marriage? I was expecting the following answers:

– Go to the e-harmony website and look at the 29 characteristics to have to be successful
– Pray together
– Spend quality time together
– Do not go to bed angry
– Keep the fights clean and the s.. dirty
– Be sensitive to her
– Just humble out and say you are sorry
– Build a triangle with God being the third

All of the above were great points. However, he surprised me with “enjoy each other’s difference”.

To be honest with you, I did not take what he was saying seriously. I was focusing more on the wine and the steak. I was excited about the wedding. 

After the honeymoon phase, things were becoming clearer. I was type A, Debbie was type Z negative. I was a hardcore disciplined individual. Debbie thought that word was Latin. I made 3 months 1 year and 5-year plans, Debbie flew by the seat of her pants. I was outgoing and carried my heart on my sleeve, Debbie was the stiff upper lip Scottish.

She forgave easily. I did not know how to spell forgiveness. I did not have patience, she had all the time in the world. I was prideful and full of myself. She was humble, down to earth with no pretensions. The big one. I was born in a home surrounded by about 10 women. Debbie was raised by her dad. She brought the toolbox into the wedding. I was brand conscious; she did not know the difference between a Toyota and a Mercedes let alone between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild and a Chilean Red. Enjoy each other’s differences, I said to myself. Easier said than done.

It finally hit me what Brian said. Did he give this advice to every couple who asked? He probably knew both our temperaments. No matter what it was wisdom?

It made me look at life differently.

Rather than seeing Debbie’s shortcomings, I just appreciate that she is different. It makes me understand why we are in each other’s life. Opposites attract. Marrying someone unlike you is exciting and challenging. Marrying a clone is boring. It also helped me to appreciate my own past and why I react the way I do.
The home does not have to be pristine clean every time. We do not have to be perfect. It also helped me get off the performance-driven treadmill.

It has helped me in my friendships. I do not get upset or angry just because someone disagrees with me. I am glad someone has another angle. It is ok to be friends with a tree hugger or a left-wing hawk. I need to have compassion for that 40-year-old legalist, who has never had a job, lives at home but sends me countless emails inviting me to all these life-changing events. It is his way of doing things. 

It has helped me in my business decisions. Being emotionally intelligent help, you make rational decisions. I might look at a business from a pure momentum play. Another has a bottom’s up approach. Alternatively, someone has a top-bottom way of doing research.

It has helped me deal with other Christian denominations. It has made me accepting, less judgmental, finding common ground and looking at the heart rather than playing church Olympics.

A friend recently remarked that he has known me for the last 30 years and this is the happiest I have ever been. Another remarked I am balanced.

I am sure it has to do with me getting older, wiser, married and being a father. A big portion of it is “enjoy each others difference”.

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Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented – Sonja Lyubomirsky

Prologue

On a cold day in January 2016, I am flying to London, UK, to get trained for two weeks for a dream job. The same year, one of my closest friends, Bill McLean, died of cancer. I was like 2017 better be good. In November 2017, a high school classmate died of a heart attack. In February 2018, I was talking to one of my closest friends from university, and that same night, he passed away. His death hit me hard. It took me a good six months to recover. 2019 was going well. I had great plans for 2020. In one week in December 2019, I was laid off from a start-up, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, and my mom’s health was deteriorating. In March 2020, the day I was going to get a job offer, the COVID quarantine hit. Talk about a perfect storm.

My parents, friends, and work colleagues were all commenting on how well I was handling the storm.

Do you want an abundance of physical, mental, and social bliss? How about feeling optimistic, happy, and connected even during challenging times? I am sure you want better sleep, self-esteem, high energy, a stronger immune system, better emotional intelligence, and to build a capacity to forgive.

I have the answer. It is gratitude.

What is Gratitude

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation – Brian Tracy

The Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. It is derived from the Latin word gratia which stands for gratefulness, grace, or graciousness. When a human being receives something whether tangible or intangible and shows a thankful appreciation, it is gratitude. The person focuses on the positive in their life. Positive thinking helps the person to connect with something bigger than them, to other people, nature, and God.

Thesaurus has a few synonyms for gratitude and a whole subset of words and meaning attached to it. The synonyms are thankfulness, gratefulness, tribute, acknowledgment, appreciation, benediction, and recognition for the good in their life.

Gratitude and forgiveness have been my two biggest weaknesses. I have written extensively in this blog about it. It was only after marriage that Debbie has taught me about these two amazing qualities.

Modern Psychology and Gratitude

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Martin Seligman a famous psychologist did something very revolutionary more than three decades ago. Until that time psychologists focused on negative emotions like stress, addiction, trauma, and mental illness. Seligman looked at altruism, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, optimism, and gratitude.

Robert Emmons is the world’s leading expert on gratitude. His research has shown that expressing gratitude has a positive impact on human beings by improving their mental, physical, and relational well-being, and the effect lasts long.

Randy Kamen another psychologist talks about focusing on what you have rather than what is lacking in your life. The goal is to retrain the brain and to see the positive.

Gratitude was always part of the philosophical and religious domain in academia. So, it is interesting to see Psychologists getting interested in this area.

The benefits of An Attitude of Gratitude

I’ve had a remarkable life. I seem to be in such good places at the right time. You know, if you were to ask me to sum my life up in one word, gratitude – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

An attitude of gratitude is a choice, a habit that has to be developed and strengthened daily to gain the benefits. Gratitude detaches us and redeems us from negative feelings and toxic emotions. Gratitude leads to joy. Gratitude has a positive influence on the brain that is long-lasting. Gratitude improves relationships and problem-solving skills. Gratitude makes us better learners. It may seem contrived in the beginning but trust me as time passes you will notice a big difference.

The Journal of Applied Sport Psychology in a study in 2014 stated that gratitude improves self-esteem. Personality and Individual Differences published a study in 2012 that found that gratitude improves physical health. In the same year, the University of Kentucky’s research on gratitude found it improves empathy and reduces aggression. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in a 2003 study concluded that gratitude helped people in building resilience after 9/11.

How to develop an attitude of gratitude

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer

Keep a Journal

In 2011, research published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being found that writing a gratitude journal improves sleep. I have found this has helped me tremendously. I have a personal gratitude journal. It is easy for me to focus on friends that I have lost, setbacks in my career, career moves I should have made. I do not stress on coming up with things or making up stuff.  By keeping a gratitude journal, my mental health is better as I am not focusing on envy or resentment but focusing on the positive in my life and how blessed it is.

However, I am focusing on:

I still have an amazing set of friends from grade 8, high school, university, and the business world. There are a few in Toronto that I have been doing breakfast or lunch once a month for the last 25 years

I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes, money in the bank and two cars outside

Grateful for OHIP (free medical care in Ontario)

I am in good health

I have a job working from home

Living in one of the best cities in the best country in the world

People who we do not know cooking food for us

People driving Debbie to her appointments

Debbie and Jean love me unconditionally

I am one of the few people I know that have both their parents alive

As you focus on the positive, you are more joyful. I even tell Debbie, what if cancer happened a decade back? She was running a daycare and Jean was only 6. I have never created a fake sense of blessedness. I focus on counting all the blessings I have.

Say and write thank you often

Today I wrote a note of thanks to all the people who are delivering meals to us. I thank fellow bloggers for following me or inspiring me. As you show your appreciation you just get this great feeling. You are also nurturing your own relationship with the other person. Let them know how they impact your life. I also want to challenge you to write a thank you letter to yourself.

Practice breathing

I am horrible at meditation. One of the things I do is just sit and breathe. It calms me down. As I breathe I just focus on all the positive things that are happening in my life. As I am practicing gratitude I am also training my brain to focus on the positive aspect of life. As I breathe, I am also focusing on the positive that is going around me. The brain is calm. The positive affirmations are entering your subconscious mind.

Pray

I do this often and often go for long walks just to contemplate.

How to deal with challenges that stop you from being grateful

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul — Rabbi Harold Kushner

We all have a critical inner voice. That negative inner voice has to be silenced. If it is not silenced it can play havoc with us feeling grateful. If you listen to the inner voice you can become bitter and resentful and not allow any love or compassion to creep in.

I want to show an example of listening to the critical inner voice versus embracing gratitude.

I have planned a golf outing with a friend of mine for Sunday afternoon. I am looking forward to it and as the day approaches it is raining heavily. I freak out. I get worked up and emotional that the day is ruined. I take it personally and start blaming the weather for my mood. I take out my frustration with my wife. My perception was that the rain messed up my weekend. My negative thought patterns which started in my critical inner voice have now been blown out of proportion. It has a negative influence on my wife and daughter.

My friend, on the other hand, was also looking forward to playing golf. He accepted the rain and surrendered. He called me and told me that he will focus on cleaning the house and then cook for his wife. He also thinks the grass does not have to be watered. My friend made a conscious and intentional decision to make the best out of the situation. At the end of the day, it is all about perception. My friend surrendered with humility.

Epilogue

The last few months have been hectic. I was going to work then rushing back, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. The truth was I was burning out. All my life from a young age I have been a volunteer. Even at the new job, I was driving people. Someone approached me at the office and said ‘Jerry, this is the time for you to be selfish. COVID-19 is happening and your wife’s immune system is compromised. You do not have to drive anyone’.

Someone challenged me to ask for help. I hate asking for help. The person reminded me that I am stopping other people from getting blessed. It was my pride and being a control freak that did not want to ask for help. And then due to high winds, my fence came down.

As a result of that conversation, I pleaded for help. I just explained what was going on in our lives. Carolyn Gerber who was bringing us meals for the last couple of weeks made a meal train, and the love, support and offers just poured in.

On Monday, after I was looking at the damage the wind had done and was stepping out, I see a van parked in front of my house. I see some young kids in the back of the car and the mother offers me food. Her name is Devon Dienesch. I am blown away. We have a quick chat and we have a few common acquaintances and I take the food inside. Debbie shows me the note with the food. Later that night I read the note and I just started crying. Here was this encouraging note from an innocent child.

I have a choice to focus on the fence and all the other challenges I am facing or seeing the goodness in all these people who are going out of their way and serving us.

I was then reminded of the time in grade 11 and 12 for early morning service at Bishop Cotton School, reading in front of 300 boys, Philippians 4:6: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

I remembered Arun Sachdev a heart surgeon visiting from Thailand and as Vipul Goel was driving us to Niagara, Arun started quoting Psalm 7:17: I will thank the Lord because he is just; I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High. I am like you still remember those scriptures and you are Hindu, dude.

No matter what comes my way, I will be grateful. I know many of you are going through challenges. It is not going to be easy. Be grateful.

Photo Credits: Brooke Cagle Gian Cescon Erriko Boccia Gabrielle Henderson Priscilla Du Preez  AndriyKo Podilnyk

The post Discover the transformative attitude of gratitude appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Prayer is a form of communication or supplication directed toward a deity, higher power, or divine being. It is a practice that is often associated with religious or spiritual traditions and is found in various forms across different cultures and belief systems.

In prayer, individuals express their thoughts, feelings, gratitude, requests, or devotion to the object of their worship. Prayers can take many forms, including spoken words, silent thoughts, rituals, or written expressions. The content and purpose of prayers can vary widely, ranging from seeking guidance, expressing gratitude, asking for assistance, seeking forgiveness, or simply fostering a sense of connection with the divine.

Different religions and spiritual traditions have their specific practices and beliefs regarding prayer. In some traditions, prayer may involve specific rituals, gestures, or recitation of sacred texts. In others, it may be more personal and spontaneous. Overall, prayer serves as a means for individuals to connect with their spiritual beliefs, seek comfort, and find a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives.

I talked to Pastor Beth Graf about prayer.

Beth, a pleasure having you onboard. Please share with my audience a little about you?

I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for 26 years.  I’m a mom to two amazing teenagers. I’m a former E.C.E. and Kindergarten teacher. Currently, I’m the Ministry Health Pastor (part-time) at Sanctus Church and a certified Spiritual Life Coach in my private practice. The best part of my life is the incredible adventure of following Jesus Christ for 43 years!

This month you released The Truth About You: God’s Thoughts For You. What is it about? What is the main message? Why should we read it?

I’m thrilled to share that I have recently published a children’s book on Amazon called “The Truth About You: God’s Thoughts For You”. While it’s geared toward younger children, the book is full of “identity-shaping” truths for all ages.

Amazingly, all the words/concepts in this book come from Listening Prayer with my daughter and son when they were 4 to 10 years old.  After they would say their bedtime prayers, we would pause and listen to see what the Lord Jesus wanted to say to them in response. I recorded all the simple, profound truths that came to their child’s hearts. Two years ago, the Lord impressed upon me that He wanted other children to know these same truths, so He inspired me to create this book!

There is also a bonus section at the end for Parents/Caregivers to help their children hear from God for themselves. Children can easily hear from the Lord if they are shown how.

I know you were a pastor for prayer and now a ministry health pastor. I want to know what is prayer.

From my experience, prayer is an authentic, ongoing conversation with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. You speak with honor and transparency to God and He speaks lovingly and truthfully to you.

Your depth of knowing God depends on your choice. Let me explain – To know God the Father and the Holy Spirit intimately, you first must welcome a relationship with Jesus Christ, the Son of God. The reason for this is that Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross is the only thing that makes us perfect and holy again.  When we personally accept Jesus’ sacrifice and invite Him into our lives to lead us, God shifts from being outside of us to the inside of us. This internal dwelling of Jesus Christ is what can make our relationship and prayer life more profound and intimate with God. God is no longer, “the universe” or far away, we can know and experience Him profoundly within.

One final thought, to grow in your prayer life requires making it part of your everyday life. Just like exercising your body or brushing your teeth, make it an intentional holy habit. For me now at this point in my life, it’s like I never hang up the phone on God, I’m communicating with Him and He is sharing with me constantly.

Many people treat God like a genie in a bottle and buy into the prosperity gospel. What should we know about prayer? Do we really need it in our daily lives?

When I was first following Jesus, prayer was all about asking God for what I wanted and for Him to help me with my plans. Now after years of following, surrendering to Him, and becoming more like Jesus, my prayers are often, “God, what do You want? Have Your Way. Your kingdom comes, Your will be done.”

I have tried to release God of all my expectations of Him and what I thought was the way He should answer and respond to my prayers. It just led to such disappointment. Yet, what would our world be like if God were obligated to fulfill the will of every human being? That would be disastrous! Thankfully, the LORD is obligated only to His will. So now when I pray, I ask the Lord what He wants regarding situations and people, listen for His answer, and then pray it back to Him. As a result, I see incredible and specific answers to my prayers.

Let’s be honest. Prayer is not natural. Give us some practical examples of how we can get better at it. How we can make it a habit?

We all seem to make time to brush our teeth, why? Because it’s important for our health and we value our smile.

In making prayer a habit, it’s so important to first realize that prayer is incredibly valuable! For some reason, God has chosen to work with humanity to see His will fulfilled on the earth. Prayers that aren’t prayed, won’t be answered by Him. I used to think that God didn’t really need my prayers and that He was just going to do whatever He wanted anyway. However, as I got to know Him and read the Bible, I realized that although He was Sovereign overall, God still decides to use our feeble prayers to usher in His will on the earth (Matthew 7:7).

Once I realized my prayers mattered, it was motivation to make it a habit.

I recommend the following on how to get better at prayer:

Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you how to pray.

Be intentionally aware of God’s presence in your everyday life.

Create a prayer rhythm in your schedule. Start simple with a short prayer time once a day. As you find it beneficial, increase the length of time or frequency. For me, I have an intentional prayer time in the morning, as I get ready, where I give God all that I’m facing that day and ask for His help. Before bed, I also get on my knees and unload all the stresses of my day on Him and pray whatever else the Holy Spirit brings to mind.

Make room for spontaneous prayer in your day. As stuff comes up, have an internal conversation with Him or out loud when you’re on your own.

When you don’t know what to say to God, pray for a Bible verse that resonates with you. The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13 is helpful. Writing/journaling prayers are powerful as well.

Help me understand as a pastor what women’s empowerment means to you.

It means fair opportunity, respect, and an equal voice at the table.

The more I read about Jesus, the more I am impressed. He was always surrounded by women. He cared for the prostitute, and the menstruating woman, and talked to them. This was unheard of in His time and culture. What can we learn from this and apply it to the 21st century?

I don’t fully understand why women have always seemed to be “less than” men – not taken as seriously, marginalized, objectified, covered/hidden, silenced, or poorer. We can truly learn from Jesus who honored women and gave them a voice and significant roles to play in His life story and mission. It was an ordinary teenage girl who was chosen as His earthly mother and a former prostitute who was first given the gospel to share with others that Jesus was alive from the dead.

Jesus empowered the marginalized, those that others would overlook or even reject. He loved them, taught them, and then entrusted them with His mission of sharing the good news of His salvation. Jesus had both male and female followers who were valued and called to fulfill His vision. We’re all in this together.

You have been married for a while and are a mother. Please give my audience three practical tips on being a mother and wife.

As a wife and mother:

Ask God to help you be unselfish and give you wisdom all the time.

Communicate honestly, respectfully, and kindly – treat your husband and kids the way you want to be treated.

Let go of control. There are seasons when children are young and need you to protect them but as they grow, give them space to breathe, discover, and take risks. Don’t feel the pressure to change your husband. Leave him and your kids in the trustworthy hands of God and be free of worrying over them.

Beth, we can read our Bible, trust God, and pray all we want. However, we have to be intentional in dealing with our issues, hurt, pain, anger, resentment, and other challenges. Give me some practical examples of how we can do this.

Forgive others – truly from your heart. When you forgive, it’s not that you are agreeing that what happened to you was right, it’s choosing to let the person off your hook and leave them on God’s hook. Un-forgiveness, bitterness, and resentment take up too much emotional energy. Let it go. You’ll find it so freeing not to keep track of every wrong that has ever happened to you. You’ll have more time to think of other things and feel more positive emotions – anger and bitterness are “joy-killers.”

Forgive God and yourself. In our brokenness, we can hold unforgiveness toward God in our heart for times He let us down and allowed things to happen to us that were painful. Release God of your expectations and forgive Him, it’s just a block in your relationship to Him if you don’t. The truth is He’s perfect, He can’t do anything wrong, it’s our pain that distorts our perception. You can’t be perfect, that’s why Jesus lived a perfect life for us and died for our imperfections, that we would be made right with our perfect Creator God. Let yourself go free of unrealistic expectations and ask for Jesus’ help moving forward.

Let go of shame. It makes us hide from God and others. God made you to shine for Him! Ask Him to forgive you and He will.

Renounce lies you believed about yourself through pain and trauma – lies like I’m fat, I’m ugly, I don’t matter, I’m unworthy, What I have to say isn’t important, unlovable, I’m not good enough or I don’t measure up. Like shame, lies keep us from being all God wants us to be. DON’T HOLD BACK, SHINE!

Know the truth about God and who He really is according to Scripture and know the truth about you and how He sees you. Walking in these truths will set you free.

I know you went through a serious physical challenge a couple of years back. Walk me through how you dealt with it and came out thriving at the end of the tunnel?

When I was 27, I came to a place in my life where I wanted to experience God. I knew about Jesus but I didn’t really know Him – there’s a big difference. In desperation, I cried out to the Lord to encounter me. I wanted to know Him and He came to me. His peaceful presence overwhelmed me and as a result, I learned to love Him and His Word – the Bible. I also gained an intense desire to worship Him and put Him first and began to discern His personal thoughts for me and others.

When I was 41 years, I became very sick and started to lose weight for a whole year. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (bowel disease) and hospitalized in September 2012. I remember when the GI specialist said, “I think I’m going to upgrade your diagnosis to Crohn’s Colitis”. This was devastating because there is no known cure for Crohn’s disease. It felt like he had dropped 2 tonnes on me and that I’d been given a life sentence.

When he left the hospital room, I immediately cried out to God and this was the memorable dialogue that ensued.

Me: “Lord Jesus, I know that what You say is the truest reality! What do You want to tell me right now? I need Your voice.”

Jesus: “HEALED!” (I was astonished!)

Me: “Do You mean the ultimate healing in death?” (I frankly felt so awful and was in so much pain, I wanted to die).

Jesus: “No.”

Me: “Then when will You heal me, God?” (I wanted His healing yesterday).

Jesus: “Soon.”

Me: “Is that according to Your sense of time or my timeline?”

I never got an answer. But from that moment onward, I clung in faith to His word HEALED even though things didn’t initially change. One important thing I remember doing was not agreeing to the doctor’s diagnosis and owning it. I never said ”I have Crohn’s” or “My disease”, instead I would say, “I’ve been diagnosed with Crohn’s Colitis”. I took God’s word to me seriously and I wasn’t going to agree to anything less than HEALED.

Long story short, listening for His voice got me through such a dark time when I was stripped of everything. I couldn’t even mother my children and had to go stay with my parents for 2 months. I was broken so profoundly but I kept hearing God say to me that He would raise me up and that was the bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. I realized that HOPE is imperative. To not have hope is deathly. His voice was so reassuring and hopeful.

Prayer also helped. So many people at my church and my family were praying for me faithfully. I prayed constantly. On multiple occasions, I was blessed to have people visit and pray over me asking God to heal me. Praying against the enemy of my soul and breaking off his legal claim to me was incredibly beneficial too.

Dealing with my emotional pain, especially fear, was healing for me. Science has proven that our emotional brain is the lining of our digestive system and with Crohn’s Colitis affecting my whole digestive system, addressing my emotional baggage was essential.

But ultimately it was God. I remember the day in July 2015, I had spent a rare 5 days in a row alone with Him.  The Holy Spirit lead me in a deep healing experience and I was remarkably set free from a lot of fears in my life and even a spirit of fear. The LORD told me that because I had let Him deal with the root cause of the illness, I could go off Imuran, my medicine. This was very risky because the drug managed the Crohn’s Colitis. But I took a leap of faith and trusted God’s voice over anyone else. That was almost 4 years ago and I’m eating everything. I gain weight and I lose it when I want. I don’t have irritable bowels. I don’t have any further symptoms.

All I can do is praise the LORD and agree with Him – HEALED!!

To sum it up, learning to discern and obey the true voice of the Father, The Son (Jesus) and the Holy Spirit, eating well, exercise, dealing with emotional pain/fears, natural supplements/probiotics, medicine, healing prayer – God used all of it to restore me. 

Finally, how do you find balance and place priority in your own life with regard to food faith finance, and family?

I don’t always do this well. It’s tough. I was recently talking with someone and they didn’t like the word balance and it got me thinking. Sometimes there are seasons where you need to give more to your family, sometimes there are seasons when you need to give more to your faith and relationship with God and sometimes you need to focus more on your health.

I don’t know the answer to this, but I do know that the closer I am to God, the more the rest of my life/responsibilities are harmonized.

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