Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity in academic and media circles refers to cultural patterns that are linked with harm to men and society. The machismo boilerplate of men as assertive socially, along with attributes such as misogyny, homophobia, sexual assault, and domestic violence are toxic as it promotes violence. The normative pattern of violence and the cliche that boys will be boys is anathema in modern-day society.
Psychologists in the last three decades have noticed a direct correlation between depression, stress, alcohol, and substance abuse with emotional repression and self-reliance.
The attributes of working hard, excelling in sports, and providing for the family is not toxic.
Monday is family day for me. I cook dinner for them and watch TV with my wife.
As a result, we decided to watch A Million Little Things. It is about the four best male friends. In the first episode, one of them commits suicide. Another is sleeping with his best friend’s wife. As the three are sitting in a bar after the suicide, one of them says that he does not really know them because they are not real. One of them is struggling with depression and was also about to kill himself. He has told no one.
Last year in January, every female friend of mine was posting the Gillette commercial on their social media. The ad encourages men to become involved in dealing with toxic masculinity.
For the first 12 years of my life, I lived with my grandparents, two aunts, and two female cousins. My grandfather also rented out a few homes. One of the renters always yelled, screamed, and beat his wife openly in front of everyone. As I look back on my life, this was my first exposure to toxic masculinity.
As I spent a few years in a co-ed, a boy’s boarding school, and residence at college, I realized a lot of toxic masculinity was ingrained in us. I saw it in the restaurant and hotel business and it hit a crescendo on Bay Street. The change only happened when we got a female branch manager, a female head of credit, and a female compliance officer.
In the last fifteen years, I noticed a trend among my male friends and clients. I was the best man at a friend’s wedding and he split up. I was in seven wedding parties and four of them have split up. I have yet to meet a male who has walked out on his marriage. Just recently two very close friends of mine are splitting up after two decades of marriage. Both initiated by the women.
In the last three years, two things happened that threw me off course. One of my closest friends on Bay Street for 16 years passed away due to cancer. We sat opposite each other, we spoke every evening. He only opened up about his cancer, in the much later stages. Another close friend from university was found dead in a bar on a Monday night. We had spoken Monday morning. We were supposed to do lunch on Thursday. He never ever opened up what was going inside.
After those two events, I took two weeks off and sat on a beach. As I got back, I called all my close male friends and said either be real or I am sick and tired of this flakiness. Trust me the men opened up.
As a society, we need to have an honest conversation around masculinity. For instance, the Marlborough Man, Clint Eastwood in the Western’s, Jack Reacher, and many other macho heroes were lonely, distant, and emotionally reserved. I do not believe that talking about our feelings is a sign of weakness. We should not put our feelings aside. There is nothing wrong with expressing our feelings and emotions. We need to hug each other more often and say ‘I love you”.
I have spoken to so many women who are divorced and the number one reason they gave me was that they could not connect emotionally with their man.
As a society, we need to talk about men’s mental health and how we can help.
Finally and the most important issue is we need to talk about the physical, emotional, sexual, and mental violence against women. We have to start in schools, colleges, universities, the workplace, and every other place.
The #MeToo movement started for a reason. It has allowed many taboo topics to come to the forefront.
Let us all join together and make a difference in making women feel safer.
Great post! Toxic masculinity is so persavive in all societies and it will take a lot of work to see a positive change.Along with our sisters, we need the support of good men like you to address this problem and implement change for future generations.
This one hits a nerve because I’ve known so many toxic men in my life. It seems like they are just angry at everything and everyone, and don’t know how to cope with those feelings.
Toxic masculinity has always been present, but it seems like it’s really ramped up in the past several years. I think it’s definitely partially due to social media and easy access to horrible stuff.
The world really does need to become a safe space for men so it can be a safe space for women. Men are open ridiculed by other men (and some women) for talking about their feelings or seeking counseling.
I agree. I cannot stand toxic masculinity and will not put up with it. Men need to be taught it is NOT okay. I am raising my son NOT to ever be like that.
I recently saw a bus-stop advert circulating in London featuring a female child alongside terms and conditions, and it really made me stop and think. Awareness is important, and I think it works best when it’s balanced and considered for everyone, regardless of gender.
Interesting and meaningful post. Toxic masculinity is a problem for both men and women. It’s good that now, at least, it’s part of the conversation.
This was such a powerful and honest read. I really appreciate how you highlighted the difference between positive masculinity and the harmful emotional repression many men are taught growing up. The personal experiences you shared made this post feel very real and relatable. I completely agree that society needs to have more open conversations about men’s mental health and emotional connection. There is absolutely strength in being vulnerable and expressing emotions.
I feel like we need to do better to teach our young boys and work as a society to change the narrative and start talking about this.
Toxic masculinity has always been present I think its just brushed under the carpet and no one talks about it. Your post highlights so many common problems that people face yet find it hard to come forward, talk about let alone do anything about it. A very interesting topic that you have brought to attention and opened up.
Great post. Makes me think of the negative, excused comment, the “boys will be boys” mentality, as that is what causes the real damage. We need to stop giving this excuse and start encouraging accountability.
I enjoyed reading this. It’s fascinating how certain campaigns can generate such strong reactions and open up broader discussions. Thank you for sharing your perspective in such a thoughtful way.
I recently watched a Netflix documentary called Inside the Manosphere that examines toxic masculinity, the radicalization of teen boys and incel culture. It explores how these behavior patterns impact misogyny and violence. It was quite disturbing but a necessary conversation starter for all parents with teen boys and girls. The ugliness of it is disturbing and can influence young people into believing it’s okay. We definitely need more open discussions on mental health, male emotional maturity and the many influences out there. Your observations are crucial to the conversation.
This is a good post. People nowadays should look for a bigger picture and see things differently and more understanding.