Audrey: Success against all odds

Audrey, I have a deep respect for those in any of the forces. A pleasure to be interviewing the wife of an officer posted abroad. Tell me something important about you?

Hello, my name is Audrey Hasslocher. I am living overseas with my U.S. Army husband and my two beautiful daughters. I am a stay at home mom and attending a university online. I am happy to announce, I will be completing a degree in Communications and Public Relations in June! In my spare time, I write on my travel and lifestyle blog. It has been a way for me to stay connected to my friends and family overseas.

I read your story ‘A truly free bird’, wow! I was crying. So, let us start by discussing your homelessness. Walk me through that whole process?

The story I am going to share with you all is something very personal and was still difficult to share after all these years. For most of my life, I hid my childhood upbringing and the struggles I faced as a young woman. Only in the past few years did I begin to feel safe enough to share my story with others. When I began to share my story, I felt myself healing.

My story began when I was born in the projects and ghetto of San Antonio, Texas. At this time, my mother had 5 children to provide for all only using government assistance, welfare, and disability checks. My mother was born deaf and developmentally delayed due to her own mother contracting a virus during pregnancy. There are many things I remember about my home in the ghetto but the memories that ring the loudest were the violent screams from my own mother. She had many boyfriends but one, in particular, abused her, took advantage of her disabilities, and stole money from her.

One day, I came back to the house and heard my mother screaming inside. She was tied up and her boyfriend was beating her. The abuse did not stop at her and soon trickled down from my oldest sibling to finally my youngest. With the lack of food, adequate clothing, supervision, and safety Child Protective Services made the decision to remove all of her children. This is when I began my journey through the foster care system.

From the age of 7 to 18, I was raised by the state and rotated through many foster homes. Some foster homes were great but a few homes I experienced more abuse and neglect. Aside from the emotional abuse experienced at the hands of foster mothers, I was overall in a safer place. If I described foster care in one word it would be lonely. I felt extremely detached and unloved. I knew moving forward I would never experience the love of a family. The homes I lived in felt more like I was renting space or a tenant who could not step out of line or they would medicate me. Foster care’s first response to behavior problems is medicating the children until they are zombies. This helped foster parents better deal with their foster children since they were sedated. It is sad but a true problem in foster care.

Church and books helped pass by these lonely years. As I escaped to church I developed a relationship and love from the church members and the God they shared with me. In my heart, I desired an unconditional love and I found this in Jesus. I am glad I found religion at a young age as I may have followed a much darker path much like my foster siblings. I am sad to say, I have met many of them since and many followed the same broken path they were born into. Due to my escape into books and school, I excelled and graduated from high school with honors. I was accepted into my #1 university choice. Things were looking great and bright at this time in my life.

Unfortunately, no sooner did I graduate when I met someone who forever altered my life. A young man with a dark and troubled past. He appeared charming, handsome, and sweet but he was far from it. My advice to young women is to take your time when getting to know someone. I rushed our relationship and moved so quickly I missed all the red flags waving frantically in front of me. At the age of 18, I was pregnant, and my brighter days came to a screeching halt. His cheating began immediately, and it soon followed with intense arguments, yelling, and punching walls. These are all red flags and I should have known it would have only gotten worse from there. Shortly after I gave birth to my daughter, the physical abuse began. 

I get countless emails from women who are in abusive relationships. You walked away from one. How can women deal with such situations?

The strength that comes from walking away from an abusive relationship is incredible yet difficult. There are mixed feelings such as love, fear, hope, despair, yearning, and grief. The back and forth of one’s heart doesn’t go away once you have physically walked away. Many women have left physically but have never left mentally or emotionally. Sadly, it takes women a couple of times to learn the hard lesson that our partner will never change. In fact, it is statistically proven that abuse only gets worse and in unfortunate situations leads to death. If you are someone struggling with leaving your abusive partner, I urge you that there are brighter days without them. In the middle of my pain, I could not see a life without this person but as I stand here looking back, I am so thankful I am still not suffering at the hands of my abuser. Since leaving my ex my life has transformed into something beautiful, positive, and hopeful. 

I am a big believer in breaking the cycle of intergenerational behavior, toxic abuse, and negativity. How did you come out at the end of the tunnel ready to get rid of it in your own life? 

The day I finally decided to leave my ex, I was sitting in the car yelling at him about his cheating and lies. He became outraged and it prompted him to turn from the driver’s seat and begin punching me. I tried to cover my head but still felt the blows and soon began to feel dizzy. I was screaming for him to stop but he wouldn’t relent. I heard my 6-month-old begin crying in the back seat as she heard my screaming. It was at this moment, I realized I had continued the cycle of abuse I had lived as a little girl. The punching and screaming were a reoccurring event in my home in the projects. My daughter would one day come home to my screaming much as I did. It was this realization that sparked something inside me that powered a deep desire to be free. I reached out to a close friend to tell her what I was going to do. The sad part is I texted my ex I was leaving him and not coming back. I was expecting him to call me and beg me to stay. But instead, he responded, “good, by then.” With my ex out of the house, I called the police. They then escorted me to a battered women’s shelter. I had no family to rescue me but instead had to rescue myself… and my daughter. I had to give us both a chance to have a life without abuse. Life in the shelter was extremely difficult and it was filled with a lowness I had never felt before. But the freedom of building my own life again motivated me to continue pushing forward.

I decided to join the military and provide a life for my daughter that she deserved. We spent four amazing years in New York City as I worked in the Coast Guard. It was during this time I transformed from a scared and timid person into a strong and independent woman. My happiness was always in my reach and it started with leaving my toxic abuser. This period molded me and I continued to build a positive and healthy life for myself and my daughter.   

Everything happens for a reason. You are positive and focused on the future. What did you learn from everything you have been through?

Lessons Learned:

• “I am lovable.”

The biggest lesson I learned from growing up in foster care was, “I am lovable.” Growing up in so many homes where love was absent, where I constantly yearned for a mother and a father, I never felt loved or considered myself lovable. After my father abandoned me and my mother allowed abuse, I felt far from lovable. I had to learn to allow myself to be loved and this was a difficult lesson. When I learned to love me, I was able to recognize love in others.

• “Family is who we make it.”

As I became an adult I learned another valuable lesson, “Family is who we make it.” Family is not just blood but those who accept and love us as we are. I have met wonderful people who have taken me into their heart and have accepted and loved me. These are people I consider family and I am blessed because of it.

• “I am strong, and I am worthy of good love.”

After leaving an abusive relationship, I learned “I am strong, and I am worthy of good love.” Many times, we do not allow ourselves to be loved or treated well because we do not think we deserve it. We choose not to leave because of fear no one could ever love us. We think this is the best love we will get so we stay in a toxic relationship. We have to remember we all have inner strength. There is a warrior inside us all willing to fight if only we believe in her. When I believed in myself, when I fought for myself, I was able to win battles.

The life in the army. You are moving a lot. Tell me about some of the challenges in the army but also the positives?

One of the challenges that come with being an army wife are the nomadic lifestyle. The constant moving adds an element of stress. The new homes, new schools, new friends, new rules, new cultures, and new places. It can be both an adventure and a hardship. We recently moved to two different countries in two years. That was challenging, and we had to learn two completely different European cultures, customs, languages, and more from one year to the next. It is great being able to travel and visit so many countries but there are times I long for the comfort of home. Another positive has been the eye-opening experience of seeing new places and meeting different cultures.

A challenge for me personally has been the loss of my career. I think this is the same complaint from many military spouses. As a military member, myself I remember not thinking much of the wives or considering the journey they took to be next to their spouse. As a military spouse, I now understand the incredible sacrifice. I can see both sides and I respect them equally for each part has sacrifices even the children!

When I met my now-husband, I did not envision the same year we married he would have joined the Army and received orders to move to Europe. It was all exciting but difficult. I had a great job surrounded by people I cared for doing something I genuinely believed in. I was working at the same homeless shelter that helped me get back on my feet those years ago. I was giving back and helping others the same was I was helped. It felt rewarding and so purposeful. I went from working full-time at a homeless shelter, part-time at a magazine firm, attending college full-time, a mother full-time to… just a stay at home wife.

It was incredibly shocking, and it was a hard transition. I became depressed and my days felt purposeless. I was in a mental rut and did not know how to escape. I dealt with this by again… fighting for myself. I gave myself a new purpose and refocused my energies on something new. I went out and made new friends, I tried new hobbies, I began my travel/lifestyle blog, I took trips to new places, and I made myself think happy. I reminded myself that purpose can be redefined. 

Audrey, I have to ask you this question. How does the army prepare you and how do you prepare yourself that someday, a chaplain arrives at your door and you know the news? 

I have thought of this scenario and each time incredible emotions rush over me. I can feel the tears as I think of my husband dying during war. I am grateful my husband is not in combat and it is not in his near future. However, even with that said, I know my heart will break with the news. I will be proud of him as he lived honorably and served his country honorably. I know my husband would never choose to leave us, but he would bravely fight for his country and what he believes in. In my heart, I had to accept this possibility and understand that each country requires men and women willing to fight for our freedoms. For that, I will respect his choices and commitment to his country even at the ultimate cost of his life. With that said, the truth is none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We should remember to cherish our loved ones when they are standing next to us. 

I am so proud that our lives have crossed. My gratitude level has jumped 100% percent reading your story. Give my audience some advice on anything? 

Growing up I never had people who believed in me. People did not cheer me on. I had to learn to cheer for myself. I had to believe in my own dreams. I had to learn to love me. I became my biggest cheerleader.  My best advice is to “believe in yourself.”