12 Diamond Rules of Marriage
Jackie, a very close and dear friend of mine is getting married in two weeks time. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I cannot make it to the wedding. Last week, we spoke for a while and I gave her some advice. I thought I might as well write about it.
Jackie, it is awesome to see you getting married. I know you have wanted this for a long time. You have moved cities, gone out of your comfort zone and have made this decision.
I am going to give you a few pieces of practical advice.
Intentional is not a word used in marriage terminology. I insist the day you get married, is to become intentional about having a great marriage.
Now is a great marriage made in Hollywood? Live happily ever after…a prolonged honeymoon phase.
Appreciate each other’s differences
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fence, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou
Men and women are different physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and their approach to life. Accept it, embrace it, and remember it daily. 2 +2 =4. 3 +1 = 4. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4. So, remember there are different ways of doing things.
Be grateful daily
“I love you’, ‘I’m here for you’, “I understand’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Thank you’, ‘I really appreciate all that you do’, ‘It’s so nice to see you’, ‘That was quite an accomplishment!'” — Gina Spielman
Being grateful is a choice, commitment, and determinant.
You have found a partner, a readymade family, someone who loves you and gets you. Become grateful.
Forgive often
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham
“Forgiveness is a key element in healthy marriages. Forgiveness is the oil that lubricates a love relationship, and it’s the oil we need daily. Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it’s an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse in spite of his or her imperfections and irritations” David and Claudia Arp
He is coming into the marriage with a lot of irritations and imperfections. You will experience pain and suffering in marriage. Fumbling, lack of communication, disagreements happen even in a healthy relationship. Be intentional in forgiving.
No place for criticism or blame
“What you are facing is intended to strengthen your marriage, not destroy it.” – Jackie Bledsoe
FAULT = CRITICISM = BLAME = RESENTMENT = ANGER = FEAR = VICTIM THINKING = NO RESPONSIBILITY
Your partner is human with weaknesses. You need to focus on his strengths. Criticizing him will only bring him down.
Be patient
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)
Your marriage will become better as time passes by. Just be patient.
Take responsibility and stay connected
“One of the worst things a couple can do is live on their own little island. People who think of their marriage in terms of an isolationist mindset, do so at their own peril” – Mark Gungor
It is very easy to lose sight of one another as you lead busy lives. Everything is fighting for your attention. Children, computers, smartphones, work, various activities. You need to take responsibility to stay emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically connected.
Touch often
I would strongly encourage you to hold hands very often. All research points to the fact that when we touch each other, a stronger bond is created by releasing oxytocin.
Do not try to change him
“God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix him’ wife, God wants me to be a ‘love him’ wife.”- Lysa TerKeurst
Only a baby in dirty diapers likes change. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. A leopard does not change its spots. All you can do is change yourself. If you try to change your spouse’s personality, it is disrespectful, creates an emotional distance, he will feel unworthy and you will become emotionally exhausted.
He is not there to make you happy
Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments make up your love story. – Jennifer Smith
The best way to destroy your marriage is to have unrealistic expectations. He will meet all my needs, he is there to make me happy, and he will fill the void in my life.
You are responsible for your own happiness. Know the difference between cohabitation and marriage. You are not getting married so that you can get what you want but more about what you can give.
Date often
“When a couple spends time alone each week, their levels of happiness, positive communication….are more than three times higher than those who don’t spend that time together” – Dr. Greg Smalley
Date night is not about talking about kids, finances, or issues. It is about spending time and enjoying each other. Go on dates and have fun.
Communicate
“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility – Leo Tolstoy
Always communicate with one another. You will develop a special language. It is a fun and productive process. You will minimize confusion and always be assured.
You are in it for life
The D-word does not exist in your marriage. You are in this for good. Work at it daily. Be intentional in everything you do and stay in touch.
Photo Credits: Samantha Gades on Unsplash, Oscar Ivan Esquivel Arteaga on Unsplash, Anna Utochkina on Unsplash, Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash, Ngọc Hằng on Unsplash, Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash, Elise St. Clair on Unsplash, Daniel Suarez Photography on Unsplash, Adika Suhari on Unsplash, Ross Findon on Unsplash, frank mckenna on Unsplash, Christin Hume on Unsplash
Jerry, thank you for your friendship and love. This was very thoughtful of you. Your words of advice will be cherished as has been our friendship of so many years. Thank you for always wanting the best for me.
Wow awesome blog it is… thanks jerry..
Great post! Honestly, from the title not what I was expecting.
Loved it! It’s something that needs to be read at least once a month for married couples. Life is busy and we sometimes forget about each other!
Jerry this is great! As someone who has been married for 25 years I can tell you that these are dead on. Forgiveness is big. Communication, date night, Touching all of these are so important for a lasting marriage. I’d also add not letting go of hobbies you did when you were single just because you’re married. If you played in a softball league don’t give it up because you just got married. Make it work. It may create resentment otherwise. Good luck to Jackie.
Scotty congrats on your silver jubilee. I hope we continue to blog when you celebrate your golden. I appreciate all the hard work you do.
Oh, I loved all these points on marriage. My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 7 and I can tell you that forgiveness is key. Sometimes the little imperfections can get on each others nerves. When you learn to forgive each other it makes life so much more enjoyable!
Thanks Megan and another 100 years to you.
Jerry, this is such a perfect post for me to read today! I’m not even kidding. The last couple weeks have been rough for me, for a number of reasons. Depression setting in as summer goes on, launching my product line, and I’ve just sort of buried myself in my work to avoid participating in life. Last night I made a huge dinner for my husband, and then we went for a walk after having a discussion about my business. When we got back, I felt better. Having made the effort to keep that connection with him is something I’ve been missing lately, which is my own fault. But I was talking to him about how I’ve been feeling and just having trouble being present and wanting to go out and do things. He said the most amazing thing to me. “I understand.” It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I’m reminded just how grateful I am to have someone so understanding and compassionate to my issues. I once heard a quote, and it applies here. Marriage isn’t perfect. It is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. Thank you for reminding me of these things!
Thanks Erica for your loyalty and comments from Day 1. Continue to fight the good fight and never give up
Wonderful advice! All those in long term relationships can learn and grow from your points. Your advice to focus on strengths versus to criticize is one I need to focus on more. I’m fortunate to have a wonderful partner but need to remember to take a step back from the day-to-day and focus on being grateful for what we have built together.
Thanks Jennifer. We can never go anywhere with criticism.
Love this post! It’s so easy to get complacent in a marriage and take each other for granted. I’m a big believer in date night, reconnecting, and pushing the world aside.
Thank. We all become complacent in life and start to take things for granted.
“Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that make up your love story.” such a wonderful quote. As the proud participant of a twelve year marriage that is still as honeymoony as the early days, I can attest to all the above suggestions being bang on for maintaining a strong, loving relationship. Great post.
Thanks Trish. Yes some of the quotes are amazing.
I agree with you, Jerry, that a good marriage is impossible without forgiveness. As forgiveness is based on love, when both parties adopt this mindset, all the areas of their marriage can be built and enjoyed with the confidence that are loved unconditionally. The tone of your post is so profound. I enjoyed your deep insight.
Debbie taught me forgiveness and gratitude. These are two important ingredients for a great marriage.
One thing which I have been observing these days is some couples after a few married years stop dating. They need to spend some quality time with each other! 💕
Thanks Snehal. Yes we must continue to date till we die and not only to woo the spouse.
These are wonderful tips to keep a marriage stable. My spouse is the best human being i’ve come across and all I keep reminding myself is never to take it for granted.
Thank you for sharing and reminding.
Thanks Toyin. Yes always focus on the positives and always think that she is the best human being.
Beautiful! Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. I can attest, your advice is on point!
Thank Elease. I celebrate 18 yrs in September.
There’s so much truth here. Accepting each other’s differences and not trying to change one another is crucial.
Speak the truth in love. Thanks for being a loyal reader and for your comments.
What a beautiful post and what wonderful advise. If couples would always remember the reason they married in the first place and abide by the advice that you have listed…..there might just be a lot less divorce. Thanks for sharing. Loved reading this.
Thanks Brenda. After being married for 18 years, I have learned a lot from experience.
Nice post you have here.
You’ve literally touched every area needed to be touched.
Great job.
Thanks Faith. It is comments like your that makes me want to write. I tried my best to have a holistic approach.
Awesome post! Great marriage advice. I could always use a reminder of how special marriage is and how to show my appreciation and love a little better. Thank you.
Thanks. Showing appreciation goes a lot way.
Very beautiful and touching. That is really a great advice, and I am touched by this post, I don’t know what to say anymore. 🙂
Thanks. It was written from the heart for a dear friend.
amazing
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom in this blog post! It made me reflect on how farI have come on my relationship.
This are really great tips! Thank you I can finally breathe in new life to our marriage.
Grazie
Thank you for sharing! These are wonderful points to live by for a happy marriage! I love when I hear a couple has been married for 40 to 50 years, and you can see the love and respect between the two, but I find many people don’t want to take the time and energy to make it work! Sad!
Fantastic Tips! Thanks so much for sharing!
Be grateful daily is huge. We have been married for 11 years next month, we have a toddler and a six-week-old. we are going through some crazy late nights, but still remember to say “I love you” every time one of us leaves.
Your advice is spot on. Jackie is lucky to have your friendship. Thanks for sharing with us as well.
This is a wonderful post and so timely for me. I am planning to get married soon and reading this reminded me about what a wonderful gift I am entering, and how I should cultivate and nourish it! Thank you for sharing your tips. 🙂
Hi, I’ve been married almost 2 years. This is my 2nd marriage. I feel like I was able to learn so much from all the mistakes I made the first time, but your post was so helpful. And, I loved reading how marriage is about 2 people who are good at forgiving each other. I think we’re doing a lot of these, but we could probably make more of an effort to “date”. Great read! Thanks! Melissa Damiani | Gratitude Grace Glamour
Having a reminder of what to do to keep things happy in life is a great thing. Thanks for the great read.
Thanks for sharing, because it’s all valuable information. Marriage is not something to go into lightly and you will find yourself tested at times. Great post!
I love that you highlighted appreciating differences! Thanks for embracing this!
I am a firm believer in the fact that weekly date night has been crucial for our happy marriage. In a fast-paced, crazy, high demand life, date night gives us a chance to put everything aside and just connect with one another.
Absolutely LOVE these tips, Jerry – thank-you for sharing! It can be all too easy to get lost in the day-to-day craziness of life (especially with young children), but this article shows just how easy it can be to connect through the craziness as well. Starting up ‘date night’ again is at the top of my list now 🙂
great article the happiness section is my favorite. If you are not happy then do not expect your partner to make you happy that is something that you need to accomplish on your own.
Thanks Philip for the comment. Have a wonderful day.
Such beautiful advice. We have a tough time with the date often because we have zero family in our same state and three kiddos. One day we’ll get there! And the other tip that is vital is to “not change” the other person. Nor should you try because that can just leave you frustrated.
this is really beautiful. Not only it applies for Marriage but i think it applies to different kind of relationship. Thank you so much for this.
Wonderful tips to keep marriage stable, thanks for sharing good knowledge.
These are very wise words. I think each newly wed couple should feel it and understand. Or better understand and follow it before you get married: differences in people are always there, people are unlikely to change much and it’s impossible to control, respect, habit of physical contact and above all understanding that this person is not here to make you happy
Very original post! That ring means more than we think.
I couldn’t agree more. One of my biggest challenges was renegotiating my independent mentality to make room for my husband.
Great advice! Your friend is blessed to have you in her life. I’ve been married for 32 years and on every wedding card I write a version of this, “Always remember that you are a TEAM. Your spouse is not your opponent, they are your ally, your partner, and your most ardent fan. Love and respect go hand in hand – one without the other does not work. Combine your strengths, working together to find solutions. Finally, keep your sense of humor – sometimes you’ll need it.”
Thanks for sharing. I’ve been married for 18 years and I agree with the points mentioned above
Thanks for your words of wisdom. It is refreshing to see an article that speaks of marriage with the highest regard and how to stay in it for the long haul. Trials will inevitably happen, but knowing you are committed makes all the difference.
I think these are great tips! I am going on ten years of marriage this month! We definitely follow a lot of these!
I love all of these! I especially like that you highlighted that you shouldn’t try to “change” a person. You should love them for who they are right now, not for who you want them to be!
I love every one of these. My favorite one though is it will get better with time. The longer I’m married to my husband (we’re working on 13 years now) the more I find this to be true.
Great article! My wife and I always say real love takes real work. I’m currently reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If you haven’t yet read it, I highly recommend it—great book!
Great article! I definitely agree that communication is a huge priority and key in marriage and any relationship!
I love the part where you talk about marriage isn’t about what you get, but what you can give. There is so much joy in blessing your spouse. The best marriage advice we were given before marriage was to try to “out bless” each other. When our focus is taken off of ourselves… we are both happier. 🙂 Great article.
Yes!!! Such amazing reminders. I especially love “he’s not there to make you happy”. Too often we put pressure on our partners to make us happy – but true happiness comes from within. Thank you for sharing!
This is so perfectly said! I love the metaphor with numbers, never thought about it that way but it is so true! I agree with dating mostly, we do that often and it just helps so much to make time and see each other. Life can easily take that away but we shouldn’t allow it!
Such a great article and it comes from the heart. Being married isnt an easy path but definately worth it!
Awesome!
All Great Advice! All things that have kept me married for 14 yrs. Your friend is lucky to have you!
I love these! I’m getting married in October and these are really important to me!
Aww! I love this! Such wise words and simple. THought of my husband and how we appreciate each other in everything.
Wow! Simply amazing post. I’m still a newlywed and I’m really loving all this advice. I’m grateful that my husband and I have a great foundation. Excellent blog!
This is excellent Jerry! Great words of wisdom and encouragement regarding marriage and commitment. My husband and I understand the importance of forgiveness and acceptance of each other so often. We understand it’s important to never take nothing for granted. Thank you for sharing! 😊
Pastor Natalie
Letstakeamoment.com
This is my second tea reading this post it’s a great post, everyone should read it.
Great post. My husband and I recently celebrated 26 years. This list is so accurate!
Excellent advice. This year will be 13 years for my husband and I, we are in it for the long haul. We both had to learn how to communicate better and it has changed things for the better.
Wonderful blog.
I love this. I especially liked the idea of: 2 +2 =4. 3 +1 = 4. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4. Remember there are different ways of doing things.