Importance of Kindness and Respect

The first week of 2021 has passed. The thought that crossed my mind was the lack of respect and civility in our society. At school, it was important to say please and thank you. It was important to treat our fellow students with kindness and respect. It was even more important when we did not agree on an issue.

As I look at the news, Facebook, and Twitter feed, all I see are people filled with anger, resentment, venom, and cavil about anything and everything.

I have left so many Whatsapp groups because it is filled with differences in religious beliefs, political and cultural differences.

I think maybe I am naïve, dovelike, or jejune. The state of the economy, unemployment, COVID-19, the elections have brought the tension to a boiling point.

Last year, I unfollowed all my friends who spewed hatred or anger all the time. It was one of the best things I did. It helped my sanity, peace of mind, and health. If I do not like what someone says on social media, I just move on.

I love the discussions. If it filled with respect. We can and should discuss our opinions without derision or contempt.

The truth needs to be spoken with love, grace, humility, and without ego.

Kindness is one of the most underrated qualities. A person who is affable, affectionate, amiable, attentive, friendly, considerate, and generous is considered kind. Compassionate, discreet, magnanimous, polite, unselfish, tolerant, and honest are words that are associated with kindness. To be kind to someone requires grit, determination, and strength. Kindness is an interpersonal soft skill.

Kindness is needed in 2021. Humans were born to connect and care for one another. To have sympathy and care for others is in our DNA. Research shows that those who volunteer, care for others, and give to charity are happier than those who are selfish and self-focused.

Alexandra is passionate about the way that ideas and storytelling can change people’s lives. She is an award-winning writer based in Indianapolis, currently working on a book on civility and American civic renewal. She is the curator of Civic Renaissance, a newsletter and intellectual community dedicated to moral and cultural renewal.

She earned her Master’s degree in Public Policy at the London School of Economics as a Rotary Scholar and has served at the local, state, and federal levels of government and policy—including a recent appointment at the U.S. Department of Education. She was awarded a 2019 Novak Fellowship for her original reporting and analysis on civility, public discourse, and civil society in America.

Now a full-time journalist and writer, Alexandra is an in-demand speaker and commentator, appearing frequently on local, national, and international television outlets such as CBS, Fox News, and others. She is a regular contributor to USA Today and also writes for The Wall Street Journal, TIME Magazine, POLITICO Magazine, Newsweek, and other national outlets.

I talk to Alexandra about her book and kindness.

Alexandra, a privilege to have you on board. I want to know something unique about you?

Thanks for having me!

Hmmm. Unique. Well, I’ve trained with the most famous and best pizzaiolo in the world. In Naples, Italy in the summer of 2018, I met him at a restaurant I was writing at one rainy day, and eagerly accepted a chance to learn how to make and throw pizza dough—and how to dress it the authentic and only appropriate way: tomato sauce, mozzarella, and basil! Drizzled with ample extra virgin olive oil, of course. A fun memory and skill to add to my resume!

I am a big fan of being gentle and kind to people. You are writing a full book on how to be civil in the political arena. Talk to me about it?

After a rather dispiriting stint in the federal government, I left disillusioned by the broken state of our public discourse and the lack of fundamental respect for our fellow citizens and persons—especially those we differed with. I both witnessed and endured some of that animosity first hand.

After I left government in January 2018, I dedicated myself full time to these important questions: What does it mean to be a human being? What is the bare minimum of respect we are owed, and owe to others, in light of our human dignity? What does that look like in practice today, especially when it comes to those we disagree with?

These questions have only become timelier, and they are the lens through which I approach my writing and work on civility. It’s about our shared humanity and the basic decency and respect we owe to others—which is necessary for both our institutions of civil society and democracy, as well as our personal flourishing.

Your mom is an expert on manners and has written many books. How was it being raised? Did you have to be prim and proper from the morning till evening and how did it shape you?

I have the best mother in the world! She’s called Judi the Manners Lady, and yes, she’s been in the manners business for nearly as long as I’ve been alive.

But she doesn’t just teach kindness and courtesy. She lives it. She is the most genuinely caring, thoughtful, and selfless person I’ve ever encountered. I think that is what gives someone credibility to talk about why things like manners and kindness are important: they embody those moral ideals of sacrifice and kindness themselves. I couldn’t have had a better role model growing up for what true civility was: utter self-forgetfulness, hospitality to the stranger, and fundamental joy for life, community, and relationship with others.

My mother embodied the spirit of civility—and she always knew that taking a social risk for the sake of friendship or relationship mattered more than blind conformity with social norms. She was—and still is! —always willing to be the first to strike up a conversation, say hello, or greet someone with a warm smile.

My mother’s work in manners, and her powerful example, ensured my early and lifelong interest in exploring the timeless principles of civility that contribute to strong relationships and human flourishing. It sparked my curiosity about the way that our habits and norms of social engagement can either promote or harm human community. It made me want to understand why we do things the way we do them, why some norms of social engagement have changed across culture and time, and why others seem to be constant.

For example, the norm of taking your shoes off in someone’s home is present in some parts of the world—such as Japan or Canada, but is not a widely accepted norm in America. While this norm is not constant across different culture, it has roots in concerns that are constant, such as concern for hygiene and also respect for the preferences of the host.

Norms are like the air we breathe—we rarely pause to reflect on them, and usually don’t even realize they exist until they are broken, and some expectation in social interaction is not met. My mother’s constant attentiveness to the needs of others and the norms of social engagement probably made me both aware of, and interested in, these ideas more than most people. I’m so grateful to her for that and so many other things.

I find writing cathartic. You are a master of the media. What drew you to it?

I haven’t always enjoyed writing! But I’ve always loved ideas, and when I realized that writing was an important and powerful way of getting ideas in front of people, I threw myself into being the best that I could be at the craft.

I love the creative process. The struggle to create and bring forth a new idea from the higher, more sophisticated part of our mind and soul—as opposed to staying at the level of fleshly, temporal pleasures—is always rewarding. It’s a uniquely human process, and also one that helps us fully develop and realize our humanity. It’s a beautiful thing, and I like to remind people that the creative process is something that we can all enjoy and partake in.

You appear on CBS News, Fox and write for USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, TIME, POLITICO, and Newsweek. I want to know what is different about you as a journalist? What is your competitive advantage? What do you bring to the table that others do not?

In some ways, we’re in a golden age of journalism: anyone with a smartphone and internet access can observe the world around them, tweet about it, and suddenly create a ripple effect of news coverage. Social media has changed the way that the large newspapers and television networks report on the news because they’re no longer the gatekeepers that get to decide what is newsworthy and what is not. What’s newsworthy is far more crowdsourced—a tweet or video reaches a million people in a matter of hours, and that’s newsworthy.

But this democratization of our news media—both from the journalist side of things, and the consumer side of things—is a double-edged sword. It’s great that we have more information available to us, and it’s great that anyone can be a reporter journalist if they want to. These freedoms are good. The downside is the way in which the virality of information can be weaponized and serve to further reveal and solidity pre-existing deep social, cultural, and political divisions.

What makes me different is that I care deeply about my work serving as a tool of social and cultural healing—not further division. My aim is for my work to break this vicious cycle of the way our media and information diet seems to perpetuate divisions instead of healing them—it seems that many journalists today care more about the virality of their work than the impact of it. This goal informs everything from the types of issues and stories I write about—stories of hope, uplift, and solutions— to the tone with which I write them—tempered, elevated. This approach can also be limiting, though, because there is such an appetite for information that inflames and confirms people’s preexisting opinions. But this is the approach I’ve chosen to take, and the one I am committed to.

I am sure you lead a hectic life. Talk to me about your self-care routine concerning taking care of your health, food, going to the gym, and staying in shape?

I try to take a holistic approach to self-care. Mind, body, soul.

First, the mind. The intellectual life is incredibly important to me. I am insatiably curious, and constantly reading, learning, and growing in my understanding of the world around me. Learning a new subject matter is like breathing to me. When I’m feeling discouraged, stagnant, or stuck, it’s usually because I haven’t been learning anything new, and usually, the resolution is to become inspired by reading something new and gleaning a new insight. Exercising our intellect is an essential part of being human.

Second, the body. I adore my routine at the gym—which involves high interval training cardio and some strength training—and my particular luxury is the dry sauna. I take a page from the Scandinavian handbook for health and self-care, and really enjoy the hot-cold therapy: spend 15 minutes in the sauna, followed by immersion in ice-cold water, and then repeat. It’s invigorating, refreshing, and amazing. One of my favorite things to do is to stretch in the sauna while listening to a lecture on philosophy or some new subject—combining care of the mind with care of the body.

For meals, I love the art of cooking and enjoy preparing good quality food that is not only enjoyable to eat, but also beautiful to look at. The presentation goes a long way to the overall enjoyment of a meal! This is especially true during the pandemic, where meals are often the one constant in our day and are something to look forward to. I tend to be low carb, high protein, and high in healthy fats, and enjoy a lot of Mediterranean cuisines and recipes— from ratatouille to carpaccio, from ragù to steak tartare.

Third, the soul. My ideal morning involves getting up early, around 4:30 or 5 am, and begin the day with reflective solitude. The stillness of the early morning is powerful and transcendent. I’ll do a devotional, I’ll journal, and I’ll read. I’ll re-affirm my values and priorities before the day begins. I do prefer this to waking up and immediately being bombarded by shrieking headlines and emails that require action. To me, this chaos for the soul. My joy, resilience, and productivity are astronomically higher when I start the day early and in stillness. Yet—amazingly—it’s still difficult for me to do with perfect consistency!

Some mornings, I’m tired and can’t resist the snooze button. Or I’ll wake up and go right for my email instead of being disciplined and doing a devotional first. I think that the fact that we don’t do things that we know are good for us—or, conversely, we consistently do things that are bad for us, despite knowing they are—says something powerful about the plague of human forgetfulness!

In the last 500 years, we have had some interesting personalities. Any come to mind who you want to interview or write a cover story about?

I love this question. You’re right, there are so many people amazing people in history that have accomplished things and lived lives and had insights into the human condition that can instruct us and help us today! My dream, actually, is to write popular biographies about the great men and women from our past that we’ve forgotten as a culture, but whose lives deserve to be revived, and studied for the lessons that they can offer us in our current moment.

One that comes to mind is Blaise Pascal. He was a brilliant French anti-enlightenment thinker, and inventor, and a theologian. He actually invented an early vacuum, the first omnibus system in Paris, the calculator, and many, many other amazing innovations. He anticipated many of the challenges of modernity to the human psyche—such as anxiety, despair, ennui, and restlessness—and reading him today is a breath of fresh air. He’s also famous for “Pascal’s wager,” written in his Pensées, about the reason to believe in God: if you win [and believe in God], you win all. If you lose, and don’t believe in God] you lose all. 

And he has so many incredibly penetrating insights quotes. “We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.” “All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.” “Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical.”

There is not a popular biography on this incredible man who so helped shaped our modern world, and who has so much to offer us today. I’d love to write it one day!

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Women’s empowerment is self-determination: the freedom to self-cultivate and becomes who we want to be. It means practicing discipline, self-denial, and aiming to promote proportionately and virtue in the soul. I don’t believe there are “male” and “female” virtues. There is just virtue and vice. Men and women are equally capable of cultivating virtues such as courage, prudence, justice or temperance, and just as easy to fall prey to the vices of cowardice, gluttony, selfishness or sloth.

True empowerment means the freedom to become the best version of ourselves—but also the ability to suffer the consequences of our own mistakes, and hopefully, learn from them to the end of greater self-awareness and self-improvement.

My daughter is 16 and wants to become a journalist. Give her some advice?

The key to being a good writer is to be a voracious reader. Read good writing constantly—of all genres and eras. The Economist is fabulous for good writing that allows you to keep up with global affairs, for example, but also read good stylists such as Oscar Wilde, Lewis Carroll, or G.K. Chesterton. Reading good writing helps you find your own voice. It expands your vocabulary to allow you to better communicate and put words into your own thoughts and ideas.

Also, it goes without saying, practice! Write as often as you can, publicly and privately. Journal. Introspection and self-awareness are key to being a powerful writer. Write for your school newspaper. Stay informed about local affairs and write a letter to an editor. Build a portfolio that can help you land an internship.

Most importantly, write because you love to write. I love Steven Pressfield’s insight in his famous book on the battle that wages in every creative soul, entitled The War of Art: define yourself territorially, not hierarchically. Don’t define your own success based on the success of those around you. Be the best writer that you can be, and be satisfied with that. Create for the love of the craft.