Why is communication in marriage important?

In order for a marriage to be sustainable, there needs to be love, honesty, commitment, and many other things. However, to develop that bond, there needs to be efficient communication in marriage between the couple. The truth is that if there is no communication between you and your partner, it basically means a lack of interest in each other. It creates misunderstanding and ambiguity. However, if you are open with your spouse about what you are going through and are open to feedback, then the result is respect, honesty, and trust.

I am fascinated by marriage. I have written about it. I have also interviewed pastors, authors, and psychologists who specialize in marriage.

I recently got invited to a marriage class on communication presented by David Jung. David has provided leadership for various non-profit organizations for over 25 years. He has a degree in Philosophy, a diploma in Counselling, a Master of Arts in Christian Counselling, as well as certifications in Conflict Resolution and Mediation.

I have written down my 10 key takeaways from his presentation and also added from my own experience.

Become Aware of  How VUCA Impacts Communication in Marriage

David Jung starts by talking about VUCA. The post-Covid world is volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous.

Marriage is now part of the VUCA framework. From my own experience, I have seen more close friends get divorced and some have remarried. There is so much uncertainty as marriages now involve prenuptial agreements with accountants, lawyers, and wedding planners getting involved. The very definition of marriage is under attack, creating ambiguity and complexity.

Know the Major Causes of Conflict in Marriage

The major issues in marriage that create conflict, hurt, and lack of forgiveness are family relationship dynamics, money, sex & intimacy, mismatched and unrealistic expectations, inadequate attention, jealousy and infidelity,  chores and responsibilities, control, not being appreciated, talking with an ex or about an ex, being possessive, who puts more into the relationship, clothes, goals, religion, and discipline.

Psychologists and academics agree that communication is the key element of a fulfilling marriage. However, why is so elusive? Why do couples struggle with communicating about so many issues?

Differentiate Between Facts, Fiction, and Opinion

The truth is small issues become big and can lead to friction, arguments, and then a lack of passion and affection in the marriage. So the anatomy of your conversation is based on your facts and how you view the world and then that forms your beliefs and values. We think our facts are more accurate, more important, and better than someone else’s because we are seeing them from our lens. Have you ever thought that your ‘facts’ could just be an opinion? Take five dots and put them on diagram 1 and then take five dots and put them on diagram 2. You could make a star out of one and a triangle with the other just by connecting them. So we need to know the whole picture.

Pay Attention to Different Points of View: Listen, Engage and Solve the Problem

In communication, it is important to look at points of view. What has four letters. Sometimes has nine. Never has five. What do you think?

If you look at what has four letters is a statement and not a question. The word ‘what’ has four letters ‘sometimes’ nine and ‘never’ has five letters. So it is important to look at the context. Saying to your partner ‘you never listen to me, I do not feel loved’. Now we have different points of view which do not align and these are the common three responses that take place between the couple:

We Fight -> We Argue, We Debate -> How about if were just to listen to our partner. How about asking ‘What did you mean by that?’

Flight (we take off from the room, shut ourselves, yell) -> Retreat, Close off -> How about engaging with the partner

Freeze -> Go Blank, Feel Numb -> How about listening, engaging, and solving the problem.

As a couple, look into what is your typical response. How about if one partner says to another let us spend some time. They go to Costco and spend three hours shopping and then they go home and the second partner play games on the video. This sets off the other partner as she wanted to spend some time on a date and not go shopping at Costco.

Focus on the Problem and Not Your Partner

Focus on emotional intelligence and become aware of your own emotions, and how to manage and use the information to guide your conversations. The lack of emotional intelligence will negate any strategies and tools you use. If your partner always comes late to events, lateness is the problem and not your partner.

Create Emotionally, and Physical Safety and Move From Assumption to Curiosity

Challenge your own assumptions…Be curious about why you want to spend time with me? Do not assume what they mean? Move from assumption to curiosity. Say something like:

‘I am curious…can you help me understand?’

‘I have noticed…can you help me understand?’

‘I would like to talk about…with you, but first I want to understand your point of view.’

‘I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about…I really want to hear your thoughts about this and share my perspective as well.’

Become Aware Of Positions and Interests

If a couple wants to go out for dinner. One wants to go for Italian and the other wants to go for Chinese. Now both are on top of the mountain with their positions. How about finding common interest or common ground. Both want to eat, both want to spend time together and both want to spend money. How about doing a take-out from the two different restaurants and then going to a park and having the meal together. By finding a common ground you are solving the position.

Look at the common interest of fairness, respect, safety, efficiency, growth, justice, happiness, autonomy, honesty, and loyalty. Ask why your partner wants to go for Chinese or Italian. What is so important about the restaurant?

Sharpen Your Listening Skills

For efficient communication in marriage, listening is the key. Focus on your partner and listen to what they are saying. If not, your partner will get frustrated and you will misunderstand the message. Listening is just not hearing the message but you need to put mental focus and physical effort into it. Look at the body language and tone of your partner. Get a total comprehension of your partner’s point of view. Encourage your partner to communicate in an open way.

Care About Your Partner

The goal of communication in marriage is to make the relationship stronger and the bond tighter. Focus on why your partner feels a certain way. Be sensitive to the feeling of your partner.

Even in Boxing, Hitting Below the Belt is Not Allowed

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are powerful weapons that can inspire or destroy someone. You have a choice to either encourage or break your spouse. Communication in marriage is a discipline of love. Your tongue is a spiritual thermometer. You need to step out of your own frame of reference and it is an ego-emptying activity. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman help us to be careful with our words ‘I am to sow words like seeds to bring a harvest of fruit…We must choose our words as if we were choosing an instrument of life or death.’ Please use your words to build up your partner.

Even after 24 years of marriage, I have to grow in every area mentioned above. Here is what I recommend for you. GET HELP if you are feeling that there is a lack of communication in your marriage. Go get marriage counseling. Talk to a friend you trust or a family member. An objective view from a counselor or a different perspective is what you need.

The post 10 Keys to Successful Communication in Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Lorie Hartshorn is a lover of Jesus, her family, and the local church. As an international speaker and author, her primary passion is to make Jesus known. She loves to see people grow in faith and experience spiritual freedom. Sunshine, books, cottage, food, and conversation bring her joy! I ask Lorie about life, changing careers, marriage, motherhood, and becoming a grandmother.

Lorie, welcome to my Women of Wisdom series. Please tell my audience a little about you.

Well, I wear many hats!  A woman of faith, wife, mom of grown children, gramma of 2 baby girls (my favorite), speaker, writer, TV Host, Pastor, Leader, Educator, Fundraiser, Teacher… that sounds exhausting!  LOL

The truth is, what I do is a part of who I am.  It just looks different from season to season.  I love nature, long walks, reading, sharing food and conversation with others, spending time at my cottage, and campfires!

Walk me down your career path from a teacher, to an executive, to a minister, and now a TV anchor?

I’ll take you back to my childhood when I would set up a school in my basement and make worksheets for all the neighborhood kids to fill out!  My dad installed a chalkboard, so I was the coolest teacher on the block and I was 11!  With my desire to teach from a very young age and a heart for God, I wasn’t sure if I was to be a missionary or a teacher so I decided to go to a school where I could combine my faith and my desire to teach.  It took me to the States where I got my undergraduate degree in Education and Biblical Studies along with a Bachelor of Education degree from the University of Nebraska.  Yes, – Cornhusker Football and all!!

I then returned to Canada and started my teaching career in a private Christian School.  It was there that I started doing theatre arts productions with the students which led to 25 years of producing, writing, and directing choirs and theatrical plays, both in schools and in the church setting.  I love storytelling and this was one of the ways that I could tell stories and also equip and empower others to tell inspiring stories.

I wasn’t looking to be a fundraiser, I mean, who would!  But when I was asked to raise money for the school I was working at, I went to a one-day workshop and the presenter asked the question, ‘How many of you love to raise money?’…two keeners raised their hands…then he asked the question, ‘How many of you could raise friends for your organization?’ – my hand flew up!  That was it!  I was a friend-raiser!  I had the privilege of raising friends for schools and then it opened a door for me to lead a Canadian Non-Profit organization, called EQUIP Leadership Canada, founded by Dr. John C. Maxwell.  It was amazing to train and equip leaders both nationally and internationally with biblical leadership principles.  It was in this season that my speaking ministry started to grow.  So, my storytelling and teaching skills continued to be used in a new setting.

Then came the call to Pastor.  I have always served in the church and in many ways, I have pastored people for years but this was a new role and call to the office of a Pastor.  For 5 years I used my leadership skills as well as speaking in a large church in Canada, C4 Church, which I still attend.

You speak at many women’s conferences. What is your message and why should we listen to it?

My main message would be for people to experience spiritual freedom in their lives.  I’m a Bible teacher, so everything I teach is based on the Word of God.  I believe the scriptures are not only true but powerful to change people’s lives.  I had a wake-up call in my life in the years that my kids were teenagers and young adults.  We raised our kids in the church but each of them took a turn away from their faith for a number of years and made some very poor choices.  We were facing addiction to drugs and alcohol and some very painful circumstances that caused me to question, not only my parenting but my faith.  It was an essential wake up call to me that spiritual warfare is real and the enemy of our souls was out to destroy our family.  I have always been a praying person but this changed the way I prayed.  Both my husband and I got really serious about prayer and rather than being overwhelmed by the painful circumstances, we saw God do miraculous things.  We saw him deliver our kids from addiction and mental turmoil and do a transformative thing in each of our lives.  This changed me at my core.  I believe in the power of Jesus to save us not only from our sins and give us new life but also to defeat the enemy who loves to keep us living a powerless Christianity.

How has motherhood and becoming a grandmother changed you?

Well, I already shared a little of my motherhood experience.  So, suffice it to say, I love being a mom but being a Gramma – or Glamma – is the best!!

Mothering and Grandmothering make you real!  Like the advice the skin horse gave to the little stuffed rabbit in, The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams, “by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” 

I have heard you talk about the challenges with your kids and how you have overcome them. please help us as we deal with challenges with our kids?

As parents, we do a lot of guilt but I have learned that it’s not all about me!  There’s a novel thought.  It’s important to deal with your own stuff so that you can better help your kids face their stuff but in the end, your kids make choices.  Some you agree with, some you don’t.  We are called to love unconditionally.  When you experience the love and grace of God for yourself, and really learn to receive that love and walk in it, then you have so much more to give to your kids and grandkids.  Live loved and you’ll love others better.

You have been married for quite a while, give me some practical tips on having a successful marriage?

Dean and I have been married for 33 years!  Time flies when you’re having fun.  Ok, it’s not all fun.  But again, it is about learning to love and be loved.  You have to keep it real in marriage.  Don’t be disillusioned by Hollywood or social media.  Love is a choice.  You chose every day to love your spouse.  You may not always like them   Or agree with them.  But you can choose to love and honor them in spite of your differences.  We keep choosing love.  We keep growing too.  Deal with your stuff!  Get to a counselor.  Talk to wise people and avoid fools!  You can’t give what you don’t have, so always keep learning and becoming more emotionally healthy so you can give that to your marriage and you’re guaranteed to win.

You are an amazing communicator. How important is communication in our daily lives, work, business?

Thank you!  I believe that stories change lives.  When we tell a story, people lean in and often say, ‘me too’.  When a story brings hope then that transfers to another life.  So, to me, communication is driven by what’s in your heart.  For some communication is simply about dumping a whole lot of information or demonstrating what they think they know and perhaps hoping it will make them look good.   But I think communication is a gift that is intended to create connections.  If our goal is to sincerely connect with others and it’s motivated by love and not ego, then I believe it’s the greatest gift we can offer another human being.  Communication happens not only in what you say but how you say it.  It’s noticing people, it’s considering where they are at and trying to step into their shoes.  I don’t always do that well, but I’m learning.

John Maxwell said it so well, ‘Everyone communicates but few connect’.  My desire has always been to connect.  Whether I’m speaking one on one or to a large crowd or to a TV camera.  I simply want to connect with a message of love and hope.  I want people to lean in and say ‘me too’ and reach for the hope and healing that is offered to them.

Tell us about your TV show and what are you trying to accomplish?

The 700 Club Canada is a daily Christian TV show that airs nationally across Canada.  Its goal is to share the good news of Jesus Christ across our nation and beyond.  I love the program because it uses people’s stories or testimonies to demonstrate to others that God is real, that He loves them, and that Jesus is truly the way to freedom, to forgiveness and to a right relationship with God.  I love interviewing people and sharing stories….see the theme…and the best story in the world is the story that the Bible tells.

In simple terms, here is the message of the bible for some of your readers that may not be familiar.

We live in a broken world.  We can see it all around us, broken relationships, sickness, wars, etc. but God never intended it to be that way.  God’s original design for this world was that we would be in a loving perfect relationship with Him.  But God gave us a choice and that perfect relationship was broken when the first humans chose to do things their own way.  The bible calls that sin and it put us all into brokenness and separates us from God.  We all want a way out of brokenness and for some that means, sex, money, power, or success…but all of these things just boomerang us back into brokenness.  But God made a way out of brokenness!  He sent His son Jesus into this world to model for us what it looks like to live in a loving relationship with God.  Jesus was perfect but He chose to die for us on the cross and took all our brokenness on Himself.  All our sins, all our failures, all our pain…He took it on himself.  Then he rose again and overcame death and He asks us to believe in what He did on the cross and to turn away from our brokenness and to make Jesus the Lord and leader of our life.  When we do that we experience saving!  We are rescued from our sin, our brokenness, all because of what Jesus did and we are given the Holy Spirit to help us then live the life God intended for us and puts us back into the right relationship with God.  It’s the only way to live.  It brings freedom and healing!

In your book, you talk about spiritual warfare, help me understand this better?

Spiritual warfare is the reality that there are two kingdoms in conflict.  The kingdom of God and the kingdom of Satan.  The Bible unpacks for us how this all went down but to put it in simple terms, we can only serve one king, so will it be God or Satan.  We have to ask ourselves the question, which kingdom do you belong to?  Jesus came to earth to destroy the kingdom of Satan and He accomplished that by going to the cross.  Satan thought he had won when Jesus died…but He wasn’t prepared for Easter!!  Jesus rose again and defeated Satan.  We are then told that we have to choose who we will follow, God or Satan?  For many, they don’t think it’s that dramatic…I mean, if I’m a good person just minding my business, what’s the big deal?  Well, that’s spiritual ignorance or blindness and the enemy doesn’t want you to know that you are essentially in a cosmic battle and on the losing side. Unless you chose to follow Jesus.  He’ll lead you to the Father and to freedom.

How do you balance faith, food, finance, and family in the 21st century?

I don’t really like the word balance – as that assumes all things are equal.  I prefer the word priorities.  Faith is my overriding priority.  I also love food and believe it is a gift from God for us to enjoy, so I seek to honor God with my body and eating good food and living a healthy lifestyle pleases Him and enables me to be the person He designed me to be.  Money is also a gift from God and when we view it as a tool that we can master, rather than having it master us, then we can enjoy it without it controlling us.  Dean and I made a decision early in our marriage to simply live within our means.  God has honored that and we’ve always had all that we need.  We also believe in living generously, as nothing really belongs to us – so that frees you up to not be controlled by money but rather to be in control of your money and enjoy blessing others.  And family, well they are one of my biggest priorities.  So, no matter what season I’m in, no matter what job I have, my family is the priority and I’ve never regretted that.  I’ve turned down jobs and chose some different paths in order to keep them the priority and I wouldn’t change a thing.

The post Lorie Hartshorn appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

The post Ten Skills Required to be a Successful Husband appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I have known Jessica and Gary Powell for 15 years. Jessica got married at 19. I was in my first-year university. Gary Powell moved to Vancouver to do a master’s degree. I catch up with them and ask them about their marriage, dating, relationship, and advice on love. Jessica finished the questionnaire early. Gary Powell needed some prodding and he completed it. I would strongly recommend that you read this interview a couple of times. There are so many nuggets in there that can help you deal with dating, love, relationships, and marriage.

Gary and Jessica welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

Jessica – Hi! Thanks for having us! Let’s see, what is something important about us? I guess I would start with what’s most important to us and that is living fully surrendered lives to Jesus. Of course, we often miss the mark on that, but in every aspect of our lives, that is our primary goal. We’ve been married 15 (almost 16 now!) years, have three children, and have lived near Vancouver for the last 2.5 years. Before that, we lived in the Toronto area where both Gary and I had grown up.

Gary – Thanks, Jerry! I’d echo those thoughts from Jess. We are living as believers of Jesus as Lord overall—and doing that together as a family of five now with our three kids. We both shared that deep sense of faith as individuals, which I think helped a lot as we got started into our relationship years ago.

When did you know Gary that Jessica was the one for you? same with you Jessica?

Gary – It took me a while. I had dated a few people in my High School years, and while I knew who Jessica was, I didn’t see her in that way at first. After working together at our local Dairy Queen and getting to know her we began to date. But that’s where the interesting part of this answer comes in: I broke up with Jessica twice in our dating years because I wasn’t sure! I think when I was pursuing her again the third time, I finally realized that there was something different going on here.

Jessica – It’s actually hard to say when exactly I knew, but it was a lot sooner than Gary did, that’s for sure! We were so young when we met—I was only 14—that my first feelings of “he’s the one” can really only be described as a crush. But it was a crush that never went away and just continued to grow until I knew I wanted to live my life with him. I then made the decision to make Gary my “one” for the rest of our lives when I married him—I was 19 and he was 21.

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

Jessica – Oh goodness, where do we even start? There were so many challenges! The biggest challenge, honestly, was how young we were. No matter how mature you are for your age, there’s just no way around the fact that experience requires time and when you’re in high school, you haven’t lived through very much time yet. Both of us were still figuring out who we were, what we wanted, and how our relationship fit in with all that. As Gary already mentioned, in the two years we dated before getting engaged, we even broke up twice before finally deciding to stay together for good!

Gary – Yeah, I suppose there were some challenges, weren’t there!? As Jess mentioned, our age was a big factor. For me, though, it was more navigating the big feelings from previous romantic relationships. I wanted to focus solely on Jessica and pretend the other relationships didn’t really matter (that they were somehow less important, so I could move on). Let’s just say ignorance is not bliss and suppressing hurt feelings doesn’t bode well for your current relationship!

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

Gary – Jessica’s sense of humor has definitely improved since marrying me! But on a more serious note, I’ve been forced to deal with myself and wrestle with my own issues since being married. When you’re by yourself, you can hide and keep pushing things down. It’s not as easy when you’re married. I’m grateful that Jessica hasn’t put up with mediocrity in me and yet is simultaneously committed to staying with me no matter what. I have definitely grown in my capacity and confidence as a human being because of her consistent love and encouragement.

Jessica – This is one of my favorite things about marriage; it’s such an intense version of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It’s not necessarily always a pleasant experience, but both of us would attest to the fact that marriage has often brought out the worst in us, which is a good thing because then it’s out in the open where we (or more accurately, God!) can deal with it. Of course, we both have to be willing to actually let God deal with it, otherwise, we’re just living with our worst making a mess all around us!

Selfishness, anger, bitterness, lack of faith, impatience, pride—these are just some of the things that marriage (and parenting) have unearthed in my own heart and although I’ve come a long way since we were first married, I’m still always amazed at how many layers there still seem to be!

Gary – Wow, you really have issues, don’t you ;).

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

Gary – Hmm, I actually think we need to acknowledge that in our society today we don’t have to make it through. It’s so easy to just give up and move on, trading in this relationship for a new one. When we were married, we actually had friends and family giving odds on how many years we would last! (I think it was four…we beat the odds!) I say all that because when we decided to get married, we did it with the caveat that divorce wasn’t an option. While we didn’t know the specific challenges we would face, we knew if there was an “out” we would be more likely to take it. So as best we could, we attempted to remove the potential of the “out” and face the reality of the challenge head-on. Scary, yes. Helpful in the midst of relational storms, definitely!

Jessica – It’s true, marriage can be really difficult! Two separate individuals are never going to agree on everything. Additionally, being in such an intimate relationship automatically increases the level of vulnerability and sensitivity we have with each other, so there is significantly more risk of hurting one another. We’ve had to get really good at both forgiving—pressing the “reset” button—and at having the humility to say “I’m sorry.” That second one is actually the worst for me. I despise being wrong and I hate admitting it even more! However, we know if we don’t actively practice both confession and forgiveness, resentment will capture our hearts and kill our marriage and family.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

Jessica – Keep your heart soft and open to God. Seriously, that is 100% the most important requirement for being a good spouse/parent. Not only will this keep you in a position to be continually transformed by Him—something that enables you to reflect Him and His love towards your family—it also serves as the primary motivation behind how you serve your spouse and family. Your spouse will let you down. Your kids will drive you crazy. There will be times when you honestly don’t feel like they deserve your love. God, on the other hand, is always worthy of our love and obedience, and therefore, we can serve our families for His sake even when we don’t feel like doing it for their sake.

In addition to this, you have to surround yourself with a good community. Yes, it’s important to be careful and respectful in how you talk about your spouse with others, but there are always going to be times when you actually need to vent or talk out an issue with someone else. Find the people who will be on the side of your marriage, not those who will just take your side. Keep people around who will listen, give godly advice, pray for you and with you, and who will give you a kick in the right direction in those times when you really need it.

Gary – Yes and yes to Jessica’s points above. I’m not always the peachiest person to live with (right, Jess?) and Jessica’s dedication to obey God by loving me, combined with the support of the community, has definitely been a blessing. I would add a few more. The advice was given to me to “shut up and hug” is generally quite effective. If the conversation is simply an emotional expression and doesn’t need words in response, a hug goes a long way.

As both a spouse and a parent, I also recommend the use of parking lots (or another quiet space) on the way home from work. Take five minutes (and not more) to pull off and transition your mind from work life to home life before you get home. As a parent, be careful with your tone. And one more as a spouse: make the bed. I can think of no other action that takes so little effort and yet has such a great return on investment!

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…. explain (this is a family blog)?

Jessica – Yes, it does! The problem is, we tend to associate romance with very specific actions, activities, and feelings (especially the fluttery, giddy feelings we get at the beginning of the relationship!). Romance, however, is about excitement and mystery, and even though we may think marriage kills mystery (a thought that usually arrives the first time one of you decides closing the bathroom door is optional), it actually deepens it. Early in our relationship, it was just exciting that he wanted to get to know me. Now I find myself often filled with excitement and awe at the fact that he already knows so much about me and yet still loves me and loves being with me!

Because of this, I have found all the little things Gary does to show his love have taken on an increasingly deeper meaning as the years go by. The way he seeks me out as soon as he gets home from work, sends me smiles across the room when we’re out at a gathering, or takes great delight in giving me an unexpected gift—he is constantly reminding me that I am loved and cherished, and it feels so much more romantic than any date we had before we were married.

Gary – Yes. I think when it comes to romance, we need to remember that healthy, loving relationships get better over time, not worse. When we were first married (and even dating) our romance was new and exciting, but also kind of awkward. Now it’s a lot smoother and our playful banter back-and-forth is much more satisfying as well because we know each other well. The same thing goes for physical intimacy. The more we get to know each other, the better things have become. I guess in response to your statement though, I would agree and say to keep pursuing your spouse. Make them the first person you “go-to”, find, share things with, etc. The investment is well worth it.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage. 

Jessica – Uh, no. We argue often and we most certainly do not have a perfect marriage! But I’m really glad we argue. We’re different people and have different thoughts, opinions, and ways of looking at the world, so of course, we will disagree sometimes! To have a marriage without arguments would mean we were living in denial and without any real intimacy between us.

It does matter how we argue, though, and we have learned a lot about how to talk through our disagreements. Most of the time now we’re able to come to a consensus fairly quickly, but there are, of course, some arguments that take longer than others! The ones that occur late at night are often the most difficult because, just like everyone else, we usually become significantly less reasonable when we’re tired. We never follow a rule of “work things out before you go to sleep” because we’ve learned there are some arguments that can’t be worked out until we’ve had some sleep!

Gary – I feel the need to clarify Jessica’s comment about working things out before we sleep (is this an argument??). I think we have always tried to work things out before heading to bed, but when it gets to the point where we’re exhausted, we acknowledge that sleep will actually help to solve the issue at hand. It’s our commitment to each other—and to work out our problems—that is what has been a priority for us. This comes back to our “divorce is not an option” caveat to our marriage. When there is no other way, we’re forced to find a solution or be stuck in a miserable living situation.

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

Gary – Marriage is not so much about what you get out of it, but what you put into it. It’s a bit cliché, but true. Focusing on your own life and making it better will just end up making it worse. I would also tell myself to pay attention to your wife. The more you know about her, the more you can love her and help her. When she is loved and supported, she blossoms. Also, getting married is just the beginning. It’s not “done” now, so keep working together and doing life together.

Jessica – I would say that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes, you love him now, but as you keep intentionally moving towards each other, you will get to experience a depth of love you can’t even imagine right now. It won’t ever be fully easy, but it will get easier and for every night that you go to bed in tears, you will have three times as many where you fall asleep full of indescribable joy and gratitude for the love you have found. Hold on and enjoy the process!

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

Jessica – Oh boy. Does it sound too evasive if I say “it depends”? Because it honestly does! Although I think Gary is actually the more romantic one pretty much all the time. He’s pretty great at that!

Gary – I’m definitely humbler! Seriously though, I think I am more romantic (or at least lean in that direction more than Jessica). Jessica is certainly more passionate and gentler. We’re both even on the kindness meter.

What are some nice romantic restaurants in Vancouver?

Jessica – We are probably the worst people to ask that question because for us the answer would be “any restaurant we’re at without our kids”! We do really like Cactus Club though. It’s a great date night spot!

Gary – Yeah, we’re not foodies at all and hardly have a chance to get out. We do love take-out wings and breadsticks from Pizza Hut after the kids go to bed though!

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

Gary Powell – Our whole marriage has been pretty funny! We often say our home life is kind of like a sitcom and we laugh at ourselves a lot. It helps not to take things too seriously. That said, my attempt at taking maternity “beach photos” of Jessica when she was 8-months pregnant was pretty funny. The waves kept crashing and pushing her over and let’s just say the words “beached whale” may have come out of my lips! (One more piece of advice for newly married couples—I do have pre-approval to share that story!).

The post The Powell’s: Love Advice appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Dating is a stage in a romantic relationship, where two people meet to assess each other’s suitability as a future partner.

The Feast of St. Valentine, St. Valentine’s Day, or Valentine’s Day is celebrated annually on February 14. It started as a Christian festival to honor the Christian Martyrdom of St. Valentine. February 14 has become an important cultural, commercial and religious celebration globally about love and romance.

Pastor Mark Strickland is the Senior Pastor at Milton Bible Church. I catch up with him to give us some advice on dating and marriage.

Pastor Mark, welcome to my blog.  Tell my audience something important about you?

Thanks, Jerry!  I don’t think of myself as being that important!  What I believe is important is investing in other people and having a strong faith to guide your decisions in life!  That compass of faith, for me, has kept me grounded and has been a reservoir of strength in our marriage.

Mark, during what part of the dating process did you know that Wendy was the one for you?

When Wendy and I were dating, she said something one day that made me realize it.  She said that she respected me and that even if we didn’t always see eye to eye of things, she would support me in life.  The irony of what she said is that it made me want to see eye to eye with her and I value her perspective.  By Wendy being willing to respect me with no strings attached, I actually ended up respecting her more.  The Apostle Paul sums it up in Ephesians 5:21, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  If you can find someone who will do this with you, they just might be the one!

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth?

Haha, yes?  Wendy and I had known each other for several years as friends.  This helped because we had an idea of what we were getting into when we started dating.  Another thing, looking back on it, is that we both held similar core convictions around faith and life, as did our families.  When you’re dating a person and you’re on the same page in several facets of life, it helps with the “smoothness”.  There were some minor things along the way to work on, mostly on my end, but overall we were very similar which helped us a lot.  When I counsel younger people today, I encourage them to date others who they know they can “be on the same page” with, in terms of convictions and core values.

Marriage changes you forever. How have you changed over the years?

I have less hair!

Honestly, I think marriage (and kids) makes you less selfish.  It’s not about you.  It’s about us.  Almost every decision I make usually factors my marriage into the equation.  I’ve said no to really good things so I can say yes to a better thing: my family.

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

We are one of those couples that don’t have a dramatic up and down moment or anything.  That doesn’t make us better or worse, it’s just our story.  When we were dating and got engaged, we made a covenant to each other that divorce would never be an option.  For us, that commitment underpins our whole marriage.  We don’t even think “we have to make through” because not making it through isn’t an option on the table.  Although we’ve never had to use counseling for marriage, I absolutely endorse it to couples who are struggling and would use it if required.  Do whatever it takes to work on yourself and ultimately work on your marriage.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband and father?

Think about the other person.  Be a team player for your family.  My job is Sunday-Thursday, Wendy’s is Monday-Friday.  I have Friday’s off.  For some guys that would mean playing golf, sleeping, video games, etc.  That’s not a family/team mentality.  My Friday look’s like this: pick up groceries, clean the house, pay bills, take kids, cars, animals to appointments.  Wendy is the same.  Our mentality is when you see something that needs to get done, do it.  Be a team.  We’ve brought our kids into this, too.  Our oldest son helps his sisters with homework, the kids help with chores on Saturday morning, etc.  They don’t always love it, and Wendy and I don’t always enjoy the stuff we do.  But that’s a part of what character is about – perseverance.  The Bible puts it this way in James 1 – “Perseverance must finish it’s work so you are mature and complete.”  Persevere and be a team player.

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…..explain?

You shouldn’t really ever stop dating and being romantic.  I’m no Romeo but I try to bring flowers home for Wendy regularly, I try to publicly praise her, and we do our best to go on dates regularly.  We make it a habit to get away for a couple of weekends a year, which is always a highlight.  Some older couples are all mushy and overly cheesy about romance.  Wendy and I don’t do that – it makes us feel uncomfortable!  But we love each other deeply, which keeps romance constant in our marriage.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage.

True.  Okay, not true!  We fight from time to time, as do most couples.  Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “always resolve a fight before you go to bed.”  It’s based on this verse in Ephesians 6, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  We took it literally for the first couple years of our marriage and it led to some brutal late-night arguments.  What we learned about us (and this will be different for every couple) is that we actually often need to go to bed and by the time we wake up whatever we were fighting about seems trivial and we apologize and move on.  The principle is to deal with your anger/fights.  It doesn’t mean you have to stay up till 3 am figuring that out.  Just make sure it’s dealt within a reasonable time – don’t let the sun go down on a fight so that it festers in your heart.

Anything you want to say to your younger self?

Before having kids, go see a gazillion movies in the theaters.

How are food, faith, finance, and family important to you?

That’s a big question.

Food is essential for life.  Wendy and I’s relationship with food has changed over the years, probably for the better.  In our younger days we would eat out a lot, and freestyle grocery shopping and meals.  These days we make a weekly food plan, build out a shopping list, and usually buy groceries online and pick them up at the curb.  It gives us more time together (you can order on the couch watching TV) and gives me more time on Fridays for family things (take 5 minutes to pick up the groceries).

Faith, as you’ve picked up in this interview, is core to our identity.  The only person we love more than each other is God.  That might sound weird, but when you consider that God is the only perfect being who will never let you down, it’s important to find your identity and meaning in Him first.  Out of the strength of who God is, and a relationship with Him, you will be a better spouse to each other.  In all my years as a pastor, I’ve never met a couple who’ve said, “going to church and being a Christian made our life and our family worse!”

Finances for us have been a journey but we’ve developed a system that works.  We practice a monthly budget and allot specific amounts in different categories.  This allows us to save for a few months at a time to buy larger purchases while guaranteeing we have our monthly and in and out money for gas, groceries, kids stuff, etc.  We aren’t chasing money or riches.  Everything we have is God’s, and He just asks us to use the resources in our care wisely.  That’s our goal.

Family, well family is great.  We are the kind of family that likes to do life together.  Even if just Wendy or I could run out to the store and get something, we’ll take everyone and make it an adventure.  We make sure our kids hear that we love them daily, and do what we can to support their dreams, skills, and interests.  We really try to protect our family dinner table.  We eat at the table, TV is off, phones are away, and we make it about our day and our lives.  It’s a time for conversation and sharing of life.  If there’s one thing every family can do that will set kids up for success, eat dinner together, as much as possible.

The post Pastor Mark Strickland: Practical Advice on Dating and Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Just type dating in the 21st century and you get sixty million results. There is online dating, speed dating, friends with benefits dating, and the list never ends. I live in a city of six million people, and the number one complaint I hear from women is where are the men? Tia Conner coaches single women for dating in becoming the right woman rather than looking for the right man.

Tia, please share with my audience something about you?

Hi Jerry! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for your blog. It means a lot to me that you appreciate my line of work and want to help me share my passion with others.

My name is Tia Conner and I am a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Professional Coach. I have been coaching since 2014 and I’m truly blessed that I get to have fun every day when I go to “work.”

When people would ask me what was I passionate about, I was never one to say ‘oh I am passionate about acting’ or ‘I’m passionate about marketing and business development.’ My answer would always fall back to “I am passionate about helping people.” And that’s what I get to do every single day and I love it!

A fun fact that most people do not know about me is that I love pageantry and salsa dancing. When I was younger, I always wanted to become Miss America or Miss USA. In fact, in my younger years, I competed for my local/state preliminary for Miss USA. Did I win… no, but I tied for top 10. That experience taught me so many valuable skills and life lessons.

I know you offer the Purposely Aligned Signature Course. What is it about? Who is it for? How does it benefit women?

My course, Purposely Aligned Signature Course is an 8-week transformation course geared towards single women. In these 8 weeks, I teach single women to become mentally attractive by eliminating stress and manxiety, inspiring breakthroughs, and aligning them to their Godly purpose while in their waiting season.

This course benefits women because most women want a happy and healthy relationship. However, I think it is important for women to realize that it starts with going within. Understanding common traits that hinder them from achieving this goal of meeting their mate. So in my course, we go within, figure out the why’s and how’s of their challenges and then we transform them.

You talk about you were in a dead-end job and your dating life was dead in the water. You turned it around. Walk me through how you did it?

Whew… that’s such a loaded topic lol. Yes, so my previous job, as a Product Specialist, for an automotive maker didn’t have room to grow. I was basically a glorified spokesmodel. Although there were many perks, ie: travel, there were many challenges. I graduated with my MBA several years prior and I didn’t feel as if I was utilizing my degree. Additionally, there were many toxic experiences that happened in that environment ranging from sexual harassment all the way to racism. So with all of that being compounded, I knew in my heart that it was time for me to go. There was just so much imbalance and uncertainty and it also made dating extremely hard.

I realized that I was taking on toxic behaviors in my dating life because I was surrounded by toxicity. I became emotionally unavailable to attracting emotionally unavailable men. It was a cycle! A terrible one!

I was able to turn it around by getting REAL with myself. I had to do a lot of work! During that time I found so many golden nuggets that helped me and I’ve basically collected those nuggets and created my course around it. These same nuggets I’ve coach individual clients with and any received great results.

Some women get eager, anxious with their waiting season and the biological clock is running against them. What do you tell these women?

I tell women to relax and be anxious for nothing. Being in that energy or headspace does nothing but create more anxiety in that area of their life. When that happens, that’s when bad choices are made and they’ll try to make a square peg fit in a round hole. I encourage them to get mentally attractive first and then the rest will fall into place!

Is dating on Tinder good for our self-esteem and how does it affect us negatively?

I think that online dating once was a good thing but took a turn for the worst. At the beginning of online dating, it made sense for those who have a busy life and created an opportunity to meet people that you wouldn’t otherwise meet. I think now, dating apps make dating more complicated. It became impersonal and made it a lot harder for those looking to a serious relationship to find one because of all of the “posers” they have to sift through.

What are the three qualities women need to see in a man before they decide they want to marry him? Please do not tell me he needs to love God and be super spiritual. That can be faked.

The top 3 qualities that a woman should look for are:

• Consistent action, do his actions match his words? Choose someone who keeps choosing you.
• Does he make you laugh…that’s key. You want to be with someone who can put a smile on your face.
• Integrity… I think that’s self-explanatory. However, you want to be with someone who has integrity and is honest. Basically someone who believes in doing the right thing.

You asked for 3 but my 4th is someone who loves their mother. I am a firm believer of how he treats his mother is how he will treat you.

Do you believe that God has someone out there for us or we need to become intentional and go out there and find a man?

Hmmm, interesting question…

I think it can be both. James 2:14-26 says “Faith without works is dead.” But if you are actively searching, do so with the right spirit, mindset, and intentions.

I have a few female friends who are too picky and they have these high expectations that even Jesus could not meet. They want a tall, dark, handsome, great career, super sensitive, and a believer. Talk to me what do you tell these women?

I say that it’s ok to have standards but if you are expecting the impossible, then you are potentially bypassing your Mr. Right. You have to learn to relax. What are the absolute deal breakers? and what are the things are a nice-to-have but it’s ok if they don’t have it?

Food, faith, finance, and family, how do you balance all of this?

It’s about carving out time and creating balance for these things that are important to me. I also live by a schedule to see/call my key tribe members. I designate time to manage my financing a bi-weekly basis. Faith is a daily practice before I start my day.

The post Tia Conner: Dating Coach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Introduction

Tara holds a Ph.D. in professional counseling from Liberty University and has theological training through her Master’s of Divinity in professional counseling from Tyndale Seminary. She is also a Registered Psychotherapist in good standing with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario and is a certified member in good standing with the OACCPP Mental Health Professionals. Tara’s respectful accepting approach balanced with gentle but firm truths provides a warm and comfortable environment for those clients she supports.

I ask Tara the nitty-gritty stuff about marriage, the benefits of counseling and how to thrive in marriage.

Tara Lalonde thanks for taking the time in your busy schedule to answer these questions. Please tell me a little about you?

I am a registered psychotherapist in Ontario, as well as a speaker and author.  I have been in private practice for over a decade, helping individual adults and couples find life-transforming change.  While I love working with all of my clients, I have been profoundly blessed with being able to openly work with clients who share my faith in Jesus.  In those relationships, I have found Jesus to be very active in bringing clients into deeper and more impactful journeys with Him.

Please describe your journey to faith?

The Lord is so good and faithful to me.  My journey began with Him when I was a teen.  I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptized at age 16.  It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that He became the Lord of my life, though.  At that time, I realized I could no longer live with one foot in the world and the other trying to follow Jesus.  My way wasn’t working.  I confessed needing things to go my way and turned my control over to Him.

I wish I could say it was smooth sailing from there, but that would not be realistic.  However, He has been faithful to use all of my mistakes and poor choices to move me closer to Him and deeper into surrender.  He has also led me to difficult choices with the intent on teaching me to surrender more and release all control to Him.

One of those choices, that I talk about in my book, was leading me to get a double master’s degree, rather than simply focusing on my professional counseling degree.  What He didn’t tell me was that I was not going to be able to accomplish the full second major because my brain simply does not learn languages well (I later found out I have a diagnosable learning disorder).

You see, to get a second major in Pastoral Studies, as He led me to do, meant taking four Biblical language courses.  I choose Hebrew because I was told it is marginally easier than Greek.  Well, by the end of the second course in Hebrew, I knew I was not retaining it and would not be able to complete the remaining two courses.

That felt like a failure to me and sent me into a battle of doubt with the Lord.  He knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, so why did He push me to take this?  In that place of pain and questioning, God showed up to me and revealed that He is still God, and I am okay.  Failure did not define me and, in fact, He was pleased with me for obeying, even though He had no intention of me ever actually receiving a second full major.  I learned I don’t have to fear failure because God is still in control, and the results of my obedience are up to Him, not me.  I settled with a minor in pastoral and graduated the year after all of my classmates.

This is only one area that the Lord has put me in situations where I am required to depend on Him; for there are many others in my life as well.  Through the years I have learned that it is better to depend on the Lord for all things than to have an easy life that does not push us beyond our comfort and abilities.

Last year I spent two weeks in Cuba and took only two books with me. One of them was yours ‘An Unexpected Freedom: Discover Peace and Joy in the Reality of Life’. Share a little about this book and what made you write it?

Wow, thank you for choosing my book to be one of your two.  That was another area where the Lord pushed me out of my comfort zone to write and publish this book.  Don’t get me wrong, the content has been a passion of mine for many years and is birthed out of this whole idea of surrender and dependence on God.  I just never imagined that I could write a book.

An Unexpected Freedom guides readers down into the valley of dying to self and back up the other side to find meaning, hope, and deeper peace that is not dependent upon life circumstances working out the way we want them to.

Through this journey I reveal the mistaken beliefs of our culture and shed light on how Scripture reveals dying to self, letting go of control to God, and learning to see life through God’s perspective can actually change our lives to become more joy-filled, peaceful, and fulfilling.

Throughout, I share parts of my own story and the stories of others who have also taken this journey.  The intent is to bring to life the possibility that this is not simply something theoretical, but rather a reality that is accessible to readers in our time and even within our changing culture.

I really do live this and seek to live it in greater and greater measure.  As we learn to release more and more of our control, wants, and expectations, God shows up and transforms our negative experiences into times of drawing nearer to Him and sends us on everyday adventures we would have missed had we not had His perspective to see them.

This doesn’t mean we won’t struggle and have pain.  In fact, that is always a normal part of the human experience.  Becoming a Christian and surrendering it all to God doesn’t rescue us from that.  It simply and profoundly changes how we interpret the pain and thus overcome it.  This is the peace that passes understanding that Paul talks about.  Not removal from trails and pain but peace and perspective within them.

You have been a counselor for a while, and you did your thesis on marriage. What surprised you and what did you learn from it?

I think the most profound learning, that is often quite surprising, is the idea that in order to have a fulfilling and healthy marriage, one must take 100% responsibility for their own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being.  That does not guarantee a healthy marriage because the health of the marriage takes two people and we only control our own side of that.  But, it does put your own well being and experience of the marriage back within your own control.

This idea is painful for some people.

We want a good marriage and it is often easier to see the faults in our spouses than to recognize and do the work of taking care of our own well being.  In fact, many of us believe it is our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and whole… remember the famous romantic movie line, “you complete me”.  It is a lovely sentiment but it is absolutely inaccurate and unhelpful and sets us up for a lifetime of disappointment.

God completes us as we surrender to Him and seek His perspective on ourselves and our spouses.  From the place of increasing wholeness with God, we then can love our spouse sacrificially.  This too is pleasing to God, who happens to be our sole purpose in life.  When our spouse does this also, it feels great!  When they don’t, with this perspective, we can be okay anyway.  Our focus is on God’s “well done good and faithful servant”, not our spouse’s.

When they don’t love us the way we want or expect, or even how they should, two things happen.  The first is that we learn to rely on God even more for our sufficiency; He is so gentle and faithful in that.  And, we store up treasures in heaven that one day we will reap the rewards of in ways we cannot even imagine here.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us in heaven!

One of my readers from India wants you to give us five practical points on how to have a great marriage?

Really it is what I have been talking about.  Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your spouse from the place of being loved in return from God in all of those areas.  When we know our God and how much He loves and accepts us, we can love others without requiring them to love us back in any particular way.

Practically, this may mean venting to God about your spouse before releasing them to Him.  Then ask Him to give a new perspective on your spouse and on what you might be doing to contribute to your situation.  Sometimes it really is just the other person, but often we contribute to our pain through how we talk to ourselves about our spouse, what we are not getting, how unfair it is, or how others don’t have it like this.

I recently was finding myself getting so frustrated with my husband and reacting with an intensity that is unusual for me.  What he was doing warranted my frustration, but I was compelled to look inward.  Even if this behavior of his never changes, I cannot be reacting like this.  It is not who I want to be.

So, I took some time in prayer and reflection to see what in me this was hitting.  Even though I have done a lot of internal reflection and growing over the years, I was surprised to find a core wound from my childhood that I had never realized before.  I then sought my own counsel to resolve the mistaken beliefs I had developed from way back then.  I now have been able to release those beliefs and have taken on a more truthful perspective of myself.

The next time my husband does something to hit that button, I may still react, but not likely to the extreme that I had because the root of the button has been discharged.

As we seek to continually take care of and heal ourselves, our marriage experience improves.  When both partners do this, then we get to what God really intended for marriage.  But, we cannot control that part.  Only our own.  And for that, we get God’s rewards, even if our spouse is not able at this time.

Another reader from Malaysia asks how do we deal with unrealistic expectations that we bring into a marriage?

Indeed, we all bring expectations into marriage and many of those are unrealistic.  At the same time, it is challenging because we are not always even aware that we had these expectations until they are not met.

You may be seeing a theme here in my answers.  The best way to work through these is to recognize them within yourself and explore where they have come from.  Are they realistic?  Are they in line with Scripture?  (My spouse meeting all of my emotional needs is not, though it is a very real cultural expectation for many people.)

If you find that you believe your expectation is realistic and in line with your understanding with the Bible (or at least not against it), then openly discuss it with your spouse.  This cannot be with the intent to change them, however.  It is more sharing that you have this expectation and where it may have come from for you.

Ask what they think.  Ask what their expectations are regarding that part of your marriage.  Explore if there could be a way to work together to find a winning solution that both of you can feel good about.

If not, then return to the Lord and ask Him to help you release it or surrender it.  You can also ask that He changes your spouse, but then you must again, return to, but if you don’t, change me.

A simple example in my marriage is that I unknowingly had the expectation that when I was cooking and realized I needed something, that I could ask my husband to go get it and he would if he wasn’t in the middle of something.  When I tried that early on in our marriage, he said no, and may have even been annoyed that I hadn’t checked before starting.

This came as a surprise to me.  I had to explore where that expectation came from.  It was not hard to find, you see, this is how my parents functioned.  But, in my husband’s family, his dad did not do that.  In fact, his mom would often be the one to do this kind of thing for his dad.  So, it was the reverse.  I also realized I probably wouldn’t want to do that for him either in that situation, and that was surprising.

In the end, there was no big agreed upon shift for us.  I simply had to release him from that expectation and then work on my own unwillingness, seeking God’s desire for my character in this kind of situation.

In your marriage workshop you bring out a baby elephant, please tell my audience about it concerning unmet needs?

Ah, the elephant.  I love the example of an elephant.  It can be used in so many ways.  First, elephants are large animals and can seem very heavy and possibly overwhelming.  Feelings can be like that, too.

We also have a phrase in North America about “the elephant in the room”.  This refers to things, that everyone in the room is aware of, but are not being discussed openly.  This too can be how we deal with our feelings.

Finally, in different parts of the world, the elephant represents wisdom, strength, cooperation, and loyalty.  What a beautiful picture of what our hearts and emotions can also represent.

So, I will often use a stuffed baby elephant in my seminars and counseling sessions to represent our hearts and emotions.  Particularly when our needs are not met, our emotions and troubles can feel overwhelming and big, and we may want to pretend they are not there.  In reality, when we attend to them, we find strength, wisdom, new options, and resiliency.

You see, emotions have a great deal of information within them.  This is not logic-based information; that comes from the mind.  Emotional information is highly valuable and God gave us this information source for a reason.  In fact, He says in Psalm 23:4 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”.  Notice it is your heart, not your mind that directs your life.

But there is an interaction with the mind that is needed.  We cannot simply allow ourselves to be driven by emotions alone.  They must be engaged and understood, soothed and respected.

The information of the heart and emotions runs deeper and more powerfully than logic.  So, when emotions come, take time to slow down and investigate what they may be trying to tell you.  Before trying to resolve disputes with your spouse, it is important to take time to explore what you are feeling and what that may be about.  Listen to your elephants!

Some questions you can ask yourself in this exploration are: What am I feeling? Where is it coming from? Am I contributing to the feeling? Am I turning up the volume in some way? What is the truth? What am I afraid of? Is this familiar (have I felt this way before)? What can I control? What do I want/desire/long for? What do I need (from me/God) to move toward my own wellbeing (even when my needs are not being met)?

When should a couple come for marriage counseling? 

There are lots of times when a couple could seek counsel.  For some, it is at the beginning when they realize that marriage is a lot harder than they realized (for it usually is) and they want to gain tools to communicate better.

Others may want to consider counseling when big life transitions happen for them.  Having children, when children leave home, or when it is time to retire are often good times to seek counsel on how to navigate and prioritize your marriage in these new seasons.

Some people seek help when things start to get really hard and they are finding what they are trying is not working.

Unfortunately, many people wait until they are just about ready to give up before coming.  I would suggest, don’t wait that long.  There are real practical tools that you can gain and implement before ever having to get that far.  However, if that is what it takes for you, then know that God sees you and understands that too.

Basically, I and other marriage therapists are here for you whenever you are ready.

How do you balance faith, family, food, and finance with your busy schedule?

Now that is a good question.  In a world where things are going faster and we are pressed to do more, be more, and have more, it is hard to find balance.  My husband and I tend to be quite counter-cultural with this, actually.  We like a life of simplicity, without too much going on.  I am not going all the time or involved in lots of things.  When we have plans on the weekend, we make sure to also have downtimes.

In addition, (and this may sound crazy to most people) I really enjoy the silence in my home, uncluttered even with the noise of music or tv.  My husband will watch tv in the evenings but other than that, we enjoy the quiet.

Though I enjoy food and we like to eat dinner out once a week, I work three nights per week so I don’t have a lot of time to cook.  And, to be completely honest, cooking for just the two of us is not really something I like to do.  So, I will tend to cook large portions that we will eat throughout the week.  It is easier to cook a lot once than to cook multiple times during the week.  It works for us.

With finances, simplicity is key once again.  We intentionally choose to live below our means regarding our mortgage and other financial responsibilities.  We also make it a point to pay down all credit cards each month so we do not have debt hanging over us.  This allows us to be generous with our giving without feeling like we are having to “find” the money.  Having never allowed ourselves to live at the max of our income, this doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice, though we recognize it is in this culture.  The joy of giving abundantly is exciting to both of us.

The post Secrets on How to Have a Great Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

In a few weeks, I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. Twenty-five years. That sounds like a long time, and yet sometimes I wonder where the years went.

Do I have a formula for a successful marriage? No. Am I an expert? Definitely not. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But after 25 years of marriage, I have learned a few things, made plenty of mistakes, and collected more than a few marriage tips along the way.

On my wedding day, if you had told me that within five years, five of the men who stood beside me in my wedding party, the minister who provided our premarital counselling, the DJ, and the MC at our wedding would all get divorced, I probably would have looked at you and said, “Seriously?”

But that is exactly what happened.

That experience taught me something early in my marriage: saying “I do” is only the beginning. A wedding can last a day, but a marriage has to survive ordinary Tuesdays, difficult conversations, financial pressures, children, career changes, disappointments, illness, and seasons when life simply does not go according to plan.

I dated Debbie for nearly two years before we got married. I have to be honest. Some people questioned my choice. But I knew myself. I knew my strengths, and I also knew my gaps. Debbie brought qualities into my life that I needed, and together we began building a life.

Twenty-five years later, much has changed.

On our wedding day, I had hair, abs shaped by playing squash three times a week, working out, and swimming. Today, the hair is mostly gone, the abs have been replaced by a little more blubber, and I find myself in a very different role: caring for Debbie as cancer takes its toll.

That is marriage.

It is not just the wedding photographs, anniversaries, vacations, date nights, and good memories. Those moments matter, but marriage is also about what happens when the tire bursts on the highway.

What do you do then?

Do you abandon the journey? Do you yell, scream, and ask, “Why me?” Or do you pull over, figure out what went wrong, repair what you can, and keep going?

I have learned that marriage is hard work. It is not a transactional business where you keep score of who did what for whom. It requires sacrifice, patience, forgiveness, humor, commitment, and intentional effort.

I think about Debbie having a C-section when Jean was born. I think about her taking care of Jean while I was completing my MBA. I remember the mornings when Debbie would get up at 4:00 a.m. to shovel the snow so I could leave home at 6:45 a.m.

Those moments remind me that marriage is rarely about one grand heroic gesture. More often, it is built through thousands of small acts of love that nobody else sees.

You see successful hockey, basketball, or baseball players and admire what they accomplish on the ice or on the field. What we don’t always see are the countless hours of practice, sacrifice, discipline, setbacks, and repetition that came before the success.

Marriage is much the same.

There is no instant formula. There is no magic shortcut. You get out of a marriage what you are willing to put into it.

And after 25 years, I am still learning.

So, rather than pretend I have all the answers, I want to share some of the lessons I have learned, the mistakes I have made, and the marriage tips I have picked up from other couples along the way.

Because sometimes the best marriage advice does not come from people who claim to have a perfect marriage. It comes from people who have simply learned how to keep showing up.

That is why I am excited to share some advice from Betsy Kerekes.

Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her work focuses on marriage, parenting, and family life, and she brings both professional experience and personal experience to the conversation.

I particularly like the practical approach behind her marriage advice. After all, marriage is lived in the everyday moments. It is how we speak to each other, how we handle disagreements, how we show appreciation, how we make time for one another, and how we continue to choose each other when life becomes difficult.

So, rather than simply giving you my own marriage tips, I thought it would be helpful to bring another voice into the conversation.

Here are ten of Betsy’s favorite marriage tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage.

As you read through them, don’t just ask, “Is this good advice?”

Ask yourself a more important question:

“Which of these could I actually put into practice in my own marriage?”

Enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings, but don’t feel cheated if they go away. Feelings are fleeting. “I like the way I feel with this person” is not enough to sustain a marriage for a lifetime.

People often get divorced because they simply fall out of love with each other. “The chemistry is gone,” they say. It’s impossible to stay madly in love 24/7, but simple reminders of your feelings for each other (past and present) can help keep the flame alive. Read old journals from when you first met. Leave love notes for each other. Make up a scavenger hunt with a romantic prize at the end. The possibilities are endless, and falling in love with the same person can be just as exhilarating the second, third, and twelfth time around.

Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You can take care of yourself. Know that you will be okay, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do.

Knock yourself out of the mindset that your spouse has often done this or that for you, and therefore should always do those things for you. Sometimes that just won’t be possible, and that’s okay, because you’re a big kid. You will survive, even if it means squishing the big spider yourself, pulling the chair over to reach the top shelf on your own, or cooking for yourself. It may mean listening to “Eye of the Tiger” several times in advance, but you can do it.

Make a decision to take care of household issues that really matter to you. You won’t need to nag your spouse about something truly important to you because you will be solving the problem yourself.

Believe it or not, social scientists have studied the question of housework: who does it, who complains about it, and what difference it makes. Study after study shows that women are happier when they feel appreciated for their contributions, and men are happier when they don’t feel nagged. So, if the housework is nagging at you, don’t nag at each other! Just take care of it! And if your spouse takes care of something, say thank you.

Practice giving to your spouse. “I’m getting up to get a cup of coffee. Can I get something for you?”

Anticipate your spouse’s needs. If you notice your spouse’s cup is half empty (or half full, if you prefer), get up for more before your spouse even notices he or she is running low. It will make him or her happy and even bring delight to your own heart when you know you’ve done a good deed. Remember, it’s those little unexpected things that carry the most weight.

Relinquish control of small issues. You will be building up the feeling of teamwork within your home. You will feel a lot less stressed yourself if you let go of the need to win on trivial issues. And you’ll be in a much stronger position to stand your ground when the two of you disagree over something really important.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, or you’ll drown in it.” In a marriage, it’s critical to recognize the small stuff and to remember what is the biggest: your relationship. Don’t raise your blood pressure because she ate the last of the mint chocolate chip ice cream or because he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end. But really, in the little debates, the one who feels less strongly on the matter should simply give in to the other. Keep the peace, and keep your spouse.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, even in your mind. If you find yourself mentally rehearsing your grudges, change the subject. Harboring negative thoughts will make you sour.

Have you ever taken a picture of someone right as they sneezed? Those pictures never turn out well. And sometimes when we talk, we say something we didn’t actually mean; it didn’t come outright. Sometimes we’re just having an off day and speak or act more harshly than we normally would. If your spouse does something out of the ordinary, in a hurtful sort of way, he or she may just be having an off day. Give him or her some space and time, and think of that incident as the moment when he or she sneezed as the picture snapped. Throw the photo, and the incident, out of your mind.

Accept the fact that each of you is good at a different set of things and cares about a different set of things.

I hate football season. I absolutely dread it every year. To make things worse, it often begins on or around my birthday. For my husband, however, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Consequently, I must endure countless monologues about quarterbacks, linebackers, conferences, stats, and other information that filters loosely through my mind while I try to figure out what to make for dinner. As much as it pains me to endure this useless information, I know that he loves to talk football, and I’m the only person around, short of an imaginary friend, who will listen even remotely. With your loved ones, you make allowances. That’s just the way it is.

Plan another time to discuss the issue or solve the problem you’re fighting about.

Certain times just aren’t good for arguments. Late at night, right before dinner when you’re both hungry, or when company is over are obvious examples. “Don’t go to bed angry” is not the best advice. Chances are, you won’t be thinking clearly or rationally when you’re tired. Sometimes, it’s better to postpone the inevitable discussion so that each of you can have time to cool off and think out your position rationally. Just remember that when you do return to the war room, be honest, open, and willing to listen.

Sing. We often “get stuck” on a negative idea during a fight. Neuroscience has shown that singing helps us use both halves of the brain. Singing helps you get “unstuck.”

You may find yourself starting off with “These boots are made for walking” or “Any man of mine better walk the line,” but after a while, you’ll be able to move yourself on from the thwarted romance genre to a sappy love song, preferably a duet.

I have friends who sing their arguments or speak with an accent so they don’t take themselves, or each other, too seriously. It also helps them get over it sooner. Try it sometime.

Allow yourself to enjoy your spouse’s surprises. He or she contributes to your household in all sorts of ways that might never occur to you. “I didn’t think of playing games with the children. I was focused on chores, and you created some pleasure in our home. Thank you.”

It’s good every once in a while to do something spontaneous. It keeps the marriage fresh and lively. Be happy to receive such actions and open to doing them yourself. Pay attention, also, to the nonspontaneous but wonderful things your spouse does all the time that you may take for granted. The example in this tip also reminds us to occasionally take a break from the daily grind and to appreciate what really matters.

The post Betsy Kerekes: Ten of my favorite tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I hate Valentine’s Day. The pressure to buy roses, chocolates, a card, go out for dinner, or cook a romantic meal, with wine, sensual music, and rose petals scattered all over the home to get into the mood…. Ok, wake up reality is here. Busy lives, busy careers, kids’ events, aging parents, and the stress of life is a romance killer.

A new relationship is frantic, enchanting, and electrifying. You do all these amazing romantic gestures towards one another, giddy with excitement, thrilled to know you have found an amazing person that loves you unconditionally and makes you feel special and alive.

However, as time passes by, everything becomes routine and boring. You are in the comfortable stage of a relationship. Therefore, you have to put an effort to keep the excitement going. You do not want to pull away from one another but rather be close. Here are some tips to keep the romance alive in your relationship.

Romance needs gratitude to thrive

In a relationship, taking each other for granted is the poison. Gratitude is the antidote. Gratitude helps you to hold on to your partner and be more romantic. Be grateful you have a partner in your life.

Patience does wonders for romance

We are a generation that was raised on fast food, drive-throughs, upgrading our cell phone and changing a car every few years. Sometimes we bring that same mentality into our relationship. Things are not working; I am too busy and on and on we go. Relax be patient and see how romance can bloom.

Gentleness means you need to practice humility

Try to be kind to your partner. Consider him better. Maybe you do not have to be right all the time, just to win an argument. Be kind and love unconditionally.

Romance loves a sense of humor

Have a funny name for one another. Crack a joke. The use of positive humor is good for intimacy.

Romance thrives on surprises

Do something different this week. If your spouse does the grocery shopping, you do it this week. Do chores around the home as your partner will appreciate it and romance will thrive.

Do things separately for romance to flourish

It is important to do things together. It is critical that you pursue hobbies and interests individually. This will give you topics to talk about.

Focus on the positive in your partner

Is your partner good at something? Tell him. If she is excelling at her job, let her know that. As you focus on the positive qualities of your partner, it will remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. You have the chance daily from morning until night to offer words of admiration, tribute, and affirmation that is valuable.

Buy gifts for one another

Put some thought into this and buy something personal. If your partner likes art and to paint, go and buy him some brushes and paint. This shows you have been thinking about him.

Romance adores compliments and appreciation

After a while, we can take our partner for granted. If she looks beautiful. Tell her. Run your hand through her hair. Kiss her and give her a compliment. We humans need to stay connected and love praise and positive feedback.

Send this post to them

This will send a message that this is what you want them to know and who knows you will get more love than you ever got.

Leave notes in a sticky

Leave a love note on the fridge, in the bedroom, a card or a voice mail. Let your partner know you love them, you care for them, they are awesome and you will be there for them no matter what.  Or just send a nice romantic text to them.

Spend time together

Life is fast-paced and everyone wants our attention. Never make your relationship a low priority. You have to feed it, nourish it for it to grow. The only way to do it is to spend quality time together.

Plan romantic getaways

Once in a while go for a massage together, spend the weekend at a bed and breakfast or just go out for a lovely meal. It allows you to get away and focus on each other and your needs.

Talk daily

You connect when you talk. Talk about your day, what is going on, what is bothering you and what you want from each other for this relationship to grow.

Forgive often

The number one killer of romance is resentment and lack of forgiveness. It builds a wall. Forgive daily. We hurt the people that we love the most. As a couple, it is natural that you will hurt each other daily and very often.

Binge on the weekend

Pick a weekend and plan to do nothing except watch romantic movies on TV. You will feel refreshed, revitalized and closer.

Touch often and be intimate

Intimacy and touch are vital for a long term healthy relationship. Intimacy is nurturing, connecting, being vulnerable, real and communicating your deep desires and issues.

Be positive

Your partner is not perfect. Every human has annoying habits that drive their partner nuts. Never be quick to criticize. Always try to understand where the other person is coming from. Look at every situation from a positive perspective.

Stop pursuing perfection

The number one destroyer of relationships is perfection. Nothing is perfect. Accept the imperfections in life and in your partner.

Let go of unrealistic expectations

Take all your unrealistic expectations that you brought into the relationship and put it in a box. Never ever open it again. He will never complete you. No one ever lives happily ever after. Life happens.

The secret of romance is to give

The people who give the most are the happiest. The secret to living, where romance is thriving is giving. Give it to your partner and make her your number one priority. Go out of your way to make sure she feels secure, loved and wanted.

Kiss passionately

Forget the peck. Forget the short smooch. Make every kiss count with love and passion.

Be naughty

Go for a walk in your neighborhood. Look for spots where you can have a passionate kiss.

The post Maintain the Romance in Your Relationship With These 23 Tips appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Jackie, a very close and dear friend of mine is getting married in two weeks time. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I cannot make it to the wedding. Last week, we spoke for a while and I gave her some advice. I thought I might as well write about it.

Jackie, it is awesome to see you getting married. I know you have wanted this for a long time. You have moved cities, gone out of your comfort zone and have made this decision.

I am going to give you a few pieces of practical advice.

Intentional is not a word used in marriage terminology. I insist the day you get married, is to become intentional about having a great marriage.

Now is a great marriage made in Hollywood? Live happily ever after…a prolonged honeymoon phase.

Appreciate each other’s differences

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fence, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou

Men and women are different physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and their approach to life. Accept it, embrace it, and remember it daily. 2 +2 =4. 3 +1 = 4. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4. So, remember there are different ways of doing things.

Be grateful daily

“I love you’, ‘I’m here for you’, “I understand’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Thank you’, ‘I really appreciate all that you do’, ‘It’s so nice to see you’, ‘That was quite an accomplishment!'” — Gina Spielman

Being grateful is a choice, commitment, and determinant.

You have found a partner, a readymade family, someone who loves you and gets you. Become grateful.

Forgive often

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

“Forgiveness is a key element in healthy marriages. Forgiveness is the oil that lubricates a love relationship, and it’s the oil we need daily. Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it’s an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse in spite of his or her imperfections and irritations” David and Claudia Arp

He is coming into the marriage with a lot of irritations and imperfections. You will experience pain and suffering in marriage. Fumbling, lack of communication, disagreements happen even in a healthy relationship. Be intentional in forgiving.

No place for criticism or blame

“What you are facing is intended to strengthen your marriage, not destroy it.” – Jackie Bledsoe

FAULT = CRITICISM = BLAME = RESENTMENT = ANGER = FEAR = VICTIM THINKING = NO RESPONSIBILITY

Your partner is human with weaknesses. You need to focus on his strengths. Criticizing him will only bring him down.

Be patient

^“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Your marriage will become better as time passes by. Just be patient.

Take responsibility and stay connected

“One of the worst things a couple can do is live on their own little island. People who think of their marriage in terms of an isolationist mindset, do so at their own peril” – Mark Gungor

It is very easy to lose sight of one another as you lead busy lives. Everything is fighting for your attention. Children, computers, smartphones, work, various activities. You need to take responsibility to stay emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically connected.

Touch often

I would strongly encourage you to hold hands very often. All research points to the fact that when we touch each other, a stronger bond is created by releasing oxytocin.

Do not try to change him

“God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix him’ wife, God wants me to be a ‘love him’ wife.”- Lysa TerKeurst

Only a baby in dirty diapers likes change. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. A leopard does not change its spots. All you can do is change yourself. If you try to change your spouse’s personality, it is disrespectful, creates an emotional distance, he will feel unworthy and you will become emotionally exhausted.

He is not there to make you happy

Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments make up your love story. – Jennifer Smith

The best way to destroy your marriage is to have unrealistic expectations. He will meet all my needs, he is there to make me happy, and he will fill the void in my life.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Know the difference between cohabitation and marriage. You are not getting married so that you can get what you want but more about what you can give.

Date often

“When a couple spends time alone each week, their levels of happiness, positive communication….are more than three times higher than those who don’t spend that time together” – Dr. Greg Smalley

Date night is not about talking about kids, finances, or issues. It is about spending time and enjoying each other. Go on dates and have fun.

Communicate

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility – Leo Tolstoy

Always communicate with one another. You will develop a special language. It is a fun and productive process. You will minimize confusion and always be assured.

You are in it for life

The D-word does not exist in your marriage. You are in this for good. Work at it daily. Be intentional in everything you do and stay in touch.

Photo Credits: Samantha Gades on Unsplash, Oscar Ivan Esquivel Arteaga on Unsplash, Anna Utochkina on Unsplash, Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash, Ngọc Hằng on Unsplash, Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash, Elise St. Clair on Unsplash, Daniel Suarez Photography on Unsplash,  Adika Suhari on Unsplash, Ross Findon on Unsplash,  frank mckenna on Unsplash, Christin Hume on Unsplash

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