Unconditional love at work refers to creating a positive and supportive work environment where employees feel valued, respected, and cared for, much like the principles of unconditional love in personal relationships.

Welcome to my series on unconditional love that empowers you. I will be writing on unconditional love in friendships, parenting, work, and from a Biblical perspective.

An employee who is respected, loved, appreciated, and empowered is a motivated employee. As a manager and an employee, here are some ways to foster a sense of unconditional love or a positive workplace culture:

Respect and Inclusivity

Employees and management should treat everyone with respect and foster a culture of inclusivity where diverse perspectives are valued

Encourage open communication and active listening, ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard

Actively seek diversity in hiring practices to ensure a mix of perspectives and backgrounds

Establish and communicate a commitment to inclusivity and diversity within the organization

Conduct diversity and inclusion training for employees at all levels to raise awareness and promote understanding

Include training on unconscious bias, cultural competence, and respectful communication

Implement clear policies against discrimination, harassment, and bullying

Ensure that employees are aware of these policies, and provide easy channels for reporting violations

Recognition and Appreciation

Acknowledge and appreciate employees’ efforts and accomplishments regularly

Recognize individual strengths and contributions to make each employee feel valued

Provide regular, constructive feedback on their performance

Implement an employee of the month or quarter program to showcase outstanding performance

Consider offering a small reward or recognition ceremony to make it more special

Show appreciation by investing in employees’ professional development

Offer opportunities for training, workshops, or conferences that align with their career goals

Support and Empathy

Show empathy and understanding toward employees’ challenges or difficulties

Provide support systems, such as mentorship programs or employee assistance programs.

Development Opportunities

Invest in employees’ professional growth and development.

Provide opportunities for training, learning, and skill enhancement

Flexibility and Work-Life Balance

Offer flexible work arrangements to accommodate employees’ needs.

Encourage a healthy work-life balance to prevent burnout and stress

Fairness and Transparency

Be fair and transparent in decision-making processes

Ensure that policies and procedures are communicated clearly and applied consistently

Team Building

Foster a sense of camaraderie and teamwork among employees

Encourage collaboration and celebrate team achievements

Wellness Initiatives

Implement wellness programs that promote physical and mental well-being

Create a supportive environment for maintaining a healthy work-life balance.

Values Alignment

Establish and communicate organizational values that align with the principles of respect, fairness, and support

Ensure that these values are consistently upheld at all levels of the organization.

Feedback and Improvement

Provide constructive feedback for continuous improvement

Create an environment where feedback is seen as a tool for growth rather than criticism

While the term “unconditional love” may not be commonly used in a professional setting, the principles of creating a positive and supportive workplace align with the idea of fostering strong, healthy relationships between colleagues. By incorporating these principles, organizations can contribute to a more positive and fulfilling work experience for their employees.

The post Unconditional Love at Work appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

The post Reflections on mental health and parenting appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is self-care? Self-care is the intentional and concerned process of taking care of and improving your mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health with a balanced lifestyle. During this pandemic, it can be stressful and self-care is important. I strongly recommend that you eat well, sleep 8 hrs a day, maintain your social network, exercise, take care of your spiritual needs, have financial security and focus on the end of the tunnel.

Self-care is taking care of yourself and it is very important.

I have gone to the gym and eaten healthily for most of my life. I have taken care of my finances. These are examples of self-care. One area I was neglecting was my emotional self-care. I volunteered as a financial counselor, helped many friends go through a divorce and their own emotional challenges. I neglected boundaries and realized my gifts are not in the area of counseling and giving emotional support. I was burned out and it was impacting my marriage and parenting.

We can embrace busyness because that is the status symbol. We try to be busy so that we can feel important. I have learned to say NO to a lot of volunteer and other positions offered to me. I had to have a holistic approach to life.

The moment we align our goals, values, and ethos with our job, friends, charitable giving, and the various organizations that we are part of, cognitive dissonance disappears. We are happy. We live a purpose-driven life. Everything makes sense.

Over the next couple of weeks, this is what I want you to do. The job you have. Do you love it? Are you passionate about it? Does it work with your core competence and skillsets? The friends you have. Are they toxic? Do you hang out with them because of your own insecurity? Are they taking you to where you want to go in life? What about where you live, where you worship, and other organizations that you are part of?

I am asking you to take an inventory of where you are at. We get so caught up in financial net worth that we forget about our emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual worth? What is your identity?

It is 2022. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Josie D is the creator behind The Cheetah Buzz, a unique lifestyle blog on fashion, beauty, and travel. I catch up with her and talk about personal style, beauty trends, and self-care.

Josie, I am excited to talk to you about fashion, travel, and beauty. I want to know something about you?

Thank you so much for interviewing little ole’ me. I feel so humbled and blessed for this opportunity! One thing about me is that I was born in Accra, Ghana and I came to the United States when I was 6 ½ years old. I believe it will be about 22 years since I’ve been living in the States. I’m also a big fan of yellow cake and anything sweet!

I like The Cheetah Buzz. How did the name come about?

Thank you so much! During my freshman year of college, while I was chilling in my friend’s dorm room, her roommate busted in and told me I looked like a cheetah when I smiled lol. I thought it was really funny and it just stuck in my head. In 2017, when I started a portfolio of my pictures on Instagram, I named it The Cheetah Buzz and that snowballed over to the name of my blog!

I want to know how does one find our own personal style and not get caught following the crowd?

One thing I always stress is figuring out what colors you like to see yourself in, from there, you can build and figure out what textures and fabrics to gravitate towards. My recent blog post about finding your personal style touches more about this topic. To stand out from the crowd, it’s also important to not follow trends as they come and go, but instead be comfortable in doing your own thing. Let people copy off of your style not you copy of off theirs. Be a trendsetter!

Give women some tips on how they can dress better?

One way to learn how to dress better is to download fashion apps like the Combyne app and the Closet Love app. These apps will help you create and style different outfits so you can see which shirts, jeans, shoes, and accessories pair well together.  Once you do that, then you can implement some of those ideas into your own closet and see what pairs well together there. Another tip is to pick one accessory such as a pair of shoes or a silver necklace and create a look around that one item. You can turn this into a fun challenge!

My daughter is 16. What are some self-care drug store products she must own?

When I was 16, I wish I had the Clean & Clear Day & Night Face Wash 2 Pack to keep the pimples away. This product is both oil-free and hypoallergenic. Also, at this age, I was experimenting with lots of makeup, so the Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Wipes and the Lypsyl Lip Balm always came in handy. The wipes removed all of my makeup and the lip balm kept my lips super moisturized.

What are the beauty trends for 2021?

I’m not really sure what the beauty trends for 2021 will be as 2020 has been a stay at home look for a lot of people due to the lockdown. But what I’m hoping is less is more and loving the skin you’re in will be the beauty trend for women in 2021. Based on what I see on social media, fashion runways, and in music videos, it looks like lip glosses, defined eyebrows, colorful makeup, bejeweled eyes, and big lashes are staying strong; so maybe they might roll over into 2021.

Self-care, Self-love is not selfish. Please comment?

If something or outside forces are hurting your mental health and overall wellbeing, it’s definitely not selfish to put yourself first and treat yourself back to health. What good are you to others or to society if you don’t take good care of yourself or even love yourself? When you take care of yourself first, then you’ll be more productive in helping others, and that for sure is not selfish.

What does women’s empowerment mean to you and what is it not?

Women’s empowerment is uplifting and fixing another woman’s crown when you see it tilt. This can refer to a lot of things. When you see, hear or read that another woman is going through some hard times or is feeling weak, reach out and lend an ear to them and let her know that you got her back and you are there to listen.

Woman empowerment is speaking out on issues that are hurting or will cause a problem for other women in the community. Woman empowerment does not mean bringing other women down so you can make yourself feel better. It’s also not being envious of other woman’s achievements or successes just because you are not successful yourself. I like to be in the mindset of when one woman is successful at something, we (women as a whole) are all successful too.

Talk to me a little bit about Ghana. I want to know about its vibrant culture and food scene?

Ghana is a beautiful country. I recently traveled to my hometown of Accra, Ghana back in 2018. My sister and I stayed in a local city called Agbogba. The streets were filled with tons of cars, buses, taxis, and lots of vendors trying to sell people things. There were tons of palm trees nearby and the sand was like a beautiful dark, orange-brown color. The houses were big and beautifully made with their own personalities. People were always smiling and happy about life. It’s definitely a great place to retire lol.

The locals spoke a lot of different languages including Ga, Twi, Ewe, and English of course. I believe the food was the best part of Ghana. You had a wide variety of savory foods to choose from like fufu with palm nut stew, banku with okra stew and crab, jollof rice with lots of goat meat, and kenkey with shito and fried fish, among many others.

I was never a people pleaser. I sleep better. You talk a lot about how people-pleasing can be destructive. Walk me through how it can be harmful?

Lol lucky you! Yes, I have always been a people pleaser since I was little. I think it was just embedded in me to be that way as a child. I was always taught to follow orders and help people out whether I wanted to or not. If I didn’t and told someone no, the guilt I would feel almost made doing the thing for that person better than the feeling of telling them no.

As a people pleaser, it hurt my personal self-care because I always put others’ needs before my own which made me rely upon and put my trust in people. And then when people would disappoint me, the hurt cut through me more than anything — and that is the destructive part about it. Now as a recovering people pleaser, I know I cannot put my trust in others anymore and I cannot be afraid to say no especially if hinders my mental health or overall wellbeing.

I love the fact that you talk about positive affirmation. Share a little about that?

Positive affirmations are so powerful! When you recite positive affirmations, the words can shift your perspective on how you see yourself. Though your circumstances or surroundings may be poor, if you tell yourself I am rich every day, you will start to believe that and that can manifest into you finding ways to become rich or make you look at different parts of your life in a positive way and know that you are rich in other ways: you are rich in health, rich in life, and rich because you have a family that loves you and so forth. Positive affirmations can make a world of difference.

The post Self Care: Taking Care of Yourself appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Gardening has taught me so many lessons in life.

I want to give you some quotes from famous people regarding gardening:

I think the true gardener, the older he grows, should more and more develop a humble, grateful and uncertain spirit. – Reginald Farrer

A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all, it teaches entire trust. – Gertrude Jekyll

A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. – Greek proverb

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. – May Sarton

Introduction

We are one week into fall. As a result, the weather is changing. It is getting darker earlier. The leaves are changing color. In conclusion, it is time to start pruning the garden.

I have been a city boy for most of my life. Therefore, buying a home with a garden was an experience in itself.

We moved in the summer when the flowers and everything in the garden was blooming. However, little did I realize the work involved in maintaining it.

The first year I noticed the grass on my lawn going brown. A neighbor told me he sensed it would be white grubs.  Grubs are larvae of beetles and attack the roots of turfgrass.

Since the home was barely new, the builder had put the sod on the original mud rather than a thick layer of topsoil. As I drove around the hood, the best grass was that which was growing on a thick layer of topsoil.

I took the easy route. I went to a construction site. They were offering free topsoil. It was a weed-infested. Guess what no grass showed up but weeds.

Last year I ordered a whole truck of topsoil. I ordered the best grass seeds. For three weeks in September, I mixed the seed and the topsoil. The lawn looks the best in years.

Lessons learned

We need to build our lives on a solid base. Character is important. Discipline will take us through the hard times.

To have a great garden you must have patience, a nurturing spirit, and a willingness to sweat. Nature provides the sun we provide the water, fertilizer, and hard work. To have a career or to excel in anything, you have to work hard.

To see a small seed become a sprout, a plant, and then a tree that gives fruits and flowers is so encouraging. In the same way to see your project, your kids, or a friendship blossom into something is going to be encouraging.

The garden will go through a cycle. Life has its trials and tribulations. There will be things beyond our control. Mother Nature is a formidable foe when she wishes to be. Drought, wind, insects are some of the challenges. Better to approach an uncertain world with an open mind. Stay flexible.

In the backyard, we had a big sumac tree. What was the couple thinking planting in the backyard? I found out the hard way. About 20 feet away from the tree, shoots started coming. It was destroying my grass. Sumac is an aggressive plant and can take over a garden. It took me a whole month to cut the tree and its roots. Keep aggressive, toxic, and nosy people at a distance.

I love perennials. They show up every year. Make sure you have friends like that. As Debbie battled cancer it was the loyal friends who showed up.

Annuals are planted every year. They look beautiful for a reason and for a specific season. Sometimes, we have people like that in our lives only for a short time, for a season, and for a reason.

The garden hose has many choices; focused, mist, spray. We need to encourage a million times, love a billion times, and rebuke but rarely.

Pruning is very important for the plants and at the right time. When we focus on the simple and the practical, life turns around. We embrace change and allow our lives and hearts to grow. Change is a constant factor in our lives.

Flowers and plants that grow in the desert and in a milder climate cannot be grown here. Different soils, ph. levels, weather patterns all have an impact. All our five fingers are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on those and have fun. Comparing yourself to someone else will lead to disaster. Accept the fact the world is unfair and monetize skills differently.

I do not grow fruits or vegetables. My mother-in-law grows them. Potatoes and carrots teach what you do not see matters. Pass on the glitz, glamour, volatility, and the unpredictable in your life.

The result of the garden is the choices you make. People can be flowers in your garden or weeds. Pluck the weeds to let everything grow.

You need a bunch of garden tools. Axes, carts, cords, fork, footwear, hoes, rake, spades, shovel, trellis are some of the tools to be efficient. Education along with practical sense, humility, gentleness, kindness, patience, unconditional love, and emotional intelligence goes a long way in being successful in real life and in the workplace.

We can never be experts in every field. Ask for advice read books. Learn from other people’s mistakes. Go ahead and blossom where you are planted.

These are some of the life lessons I have learned from gardening.

The post Life Lessons From Gardening appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Do you feel you have to be perfect? Perfect on the job,  perfect with friends, perfect with family, and perfect in general.  Are you on the treadmill of life, trying to be perfect? If you are in performance mode, then you need to stop trying to be perfect. You need to get off the treadmill. Take some time off. Smell the roses. Go for a vacation. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Meditate, pray, or change your routine. You are hurting yourself by chasing perfection, having unrealistic expectations, and being in performance mode.

You need to love yourself more. You need to accept yourself. You also need to forgive and practice gratitude. Let go of trying to be perfect.

Forget social media, forget comparing yourself to someone else, and forget living in someone else’s shadow. Be real, vulnerable, and lead an authentic life. A life that is aligned with your goals and values. Perfection, unrealistic expectations, not dealing with issues, and not taking responsibility are all toxins destroying your life.

I respect Selena. She has figured out a lot of stuff at an early age. She blogs about women’s empowerment but also lives it daily. We talk about women’s empowerment, careers, and of course, dating.

Hi Selena, welcome, and tell me something about you?

Hi, thanks for having me! I am a 24-year-old marketing manager at a small marketing firm currently, but my goal is to make empowering women my full-time career, whether that is through life coaching or through my motivational blog that I started a little over a year ago. Writing is my passion, along with helping women realize their full potential and I seek to do that not only in my professional endeavors but in my personal relationships as well.

Talk to me about your job in marketing? What do you like about marketing?

My company markets mainly for technology staffing firms. In my role, I write industry-related blogs, both for clients and for us, I curate and design their social media content, and also write and design their websites. I love the creative aspect of marketing, and it is a field in which things are always changing, so it never gets boring! There is always so much to learn. Marketing also has allowed me to expand my writing abilities as I have had to learn to adapt to writing for various brands and therefore various tones, industries, and topics.

Help me understand how dating has changed for you in the 21st century? I like the fact that you talk about taking responsibility for it?

I think the inception of social media played a significant role in shifting how people date today. We are constantly flooded with options on various dating apps, and consume massive amounts of content on social media sites daily. Instant gratification has become the expectation, and men especially use these dating apps to their advantage as they rack up their roster so they always have someone on standby.

However, on the other hand, we as women tend to enable this behavior because it seems that this is how the majority of men behave (even if this isn’t necessarily the case), so we’ve gotten used to getting ghosted, getting played, etc. We, as women, need to take control of the narrative and not stand for behavior that doesn’t align with our values and how we want to be treated. This also isn’t to say that all men are bad and all women are good, but in my experience, women tend to be more vocal about their distaste for dating these days.

I get so caught up in planning that I forget to be in the present. As I focus on being in the present moment my life has changed…pls. comment?

I think many of us are always looking ahead to what’s coming next that it is very rare we stop and look around at what we have in the present moment. I think this takes practice to slow yourself down and be appreciative of how far you’ve come up to this point and realize that if you don’t enjoy the present, you’ll miss your whole life. I’m still working on this myself, but it is not surprising to me that your life has changed after being able to do this. As humans, I think we are always striving for more – with parental, societal, professional, and peer pressures, we feel as though we always have to be on the go, working our butts off to get to the next milestone in our lives. But, as I said, we’ll miss out if we’re always focusing on what’s coming next.

I have been mentoring people since grade 8 when I became a prefect. Over the years I have been a big brother and mentored many men in the corporate world. I talk to them about getting to know themselves and where their identity comes from and being authentic. Walk me through your own process?

That’s amazing! It takes a special kind of person to want to help others, so I applaud you for choosing to mentor. I personally have never technically mentored anyone, but I really want to get into that space. I am the friend that many of my friends come to for advice or just to vent, and there is nothing more rewarding for me than to help them through their struggles, and remind them how loved they are. I try to do the same in my blog and offer advice on various topics from how to stop being a people pleaser to how to get over the guy you never technically dated. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles and that there are resources that are available to help them heal from past traumas, and figure out who they are and who they want to become. I try to offer a safe space to do that for anyone who needs an ear to listen.

Help me understand what women empowerment means to you?

Women empowerment means helping women realize and unlock their full potential. It means saying, screw what society wants us to be, what do we want to be? It means spreading positivity, lifting each other up, and fighting for our rights. It means cultivating meaningful communities and helping each other live our most authentic, unapologetic lives.

On a personal note, one of the areas I have grown the most is being aware of my own mental health but also those around me. I have been in sales all my life and outgoing so I can overlook that. Why is mental health so important to the present generation?

Luckily for Gen-Z, I believe mental health is being discussed so much more, and the stigmas that were placed on going to therapy or seeking help are ending. This generation is so much more emotionally aware, and especially with social media, mental health is more important than ever. Kids are on these social media sites and are fed content of celebrities and peer’s lives that isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a kid in this day in age.

I think it is so important for parents, teachers, and even peers to talk about mental health and encourage open and honest conversations. Ask how your friends are doing! Encourage therapy! We all need to look out for one another.

Women are outperforming men all across universities in North America. I have worked in some of the best restaurants and so often on Thursdays and Fridays saw only women coming. They always say the same thing, young men are living in their parents’ basement playing video games and do not know how to go on a date or carry on a conversation. Is that true? What can be done about it?

I can only speak from my personal experience as well as what I’ve heard from my friends, and although there are many complaints that can be made about men, I have not experienced this. I have gone on many dates and although they may not be the right match for me, I’ve had a nice time 90% of the time and have always been able to have good conversations with them.

The ones I have dated have also all had jobs, but there are certainly men out there who do just stay living at home and maybe lack the drive needed to begin or advance their careers. I think the key here is just to remember that this is not all men, and we just need to keep looking for the ones who best fit our lifestyle and what we’re looking for – because hey, maybe some women like a guy who lives at home and plays video games!

I want to know something special about the city you live in? What is the food scene and why should we visit?

I live in Boston, MA – known for our sports teams for sure! As a foodie myself, there are some great spots in Boston. Depending on your taste, the North End is a must for Italian food. Especially the famous Mike’s Pastry for dessert! Boston is filled with a range of cuisine, so it’s sure to please any pallet.

Do you feel the pressure to always be perfect? Are the media and magazines putting that pressure on you?

I think as women, we always feel pressure to be perfect to some degree. It’s difficult to not compare yourself to the models on Instagram (even though they’re most likely photoshopped anyway), celebrities, or even just our peers. It has become ingrained in us that we need to look “pretty” to society’s standards, or we are somehow “less than”. But, I believe that as a society we are working to combat this narrative and encourage body diversity.

Besides physically, I think we as women feel the pressure to have everything together all the time. Our job, social life, family time, sleep, exercise schedule, nutrition, etc. have to all be on point 24/7. It’s exhausting! I think we need to take the pressure off ourselves and just start doing what makes us feel good and what works for us. Easier said than done, but hopefully, a goal that can be reached at some point.

I want to know how writing has helped you? I find it cathartic.

Writing has always been my form of therapy. Ever since I was little I would write fictional stories and poetry, and as I got older it turned into my travel blog when I studied abroad, and now my women’s empowerment blog. It has allowed me to express myself in a way that I haven’t been able to otherwise. It has also allowed me to form new connections and help people with topics that no one really wants to talk about. Writing will always be my number one passion, and I don’t see a day where I will ever stop, as it is what makes me who I am.

The post Selena Frongillo: The Pressure To Be Perfect appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I have a deep respect and admiration for a minister (evangelist, pastor, cleric, chaplain, missionary, priest, rector, preacher, Reverand). The job of a minister is tough and demanding. It can be satisfying from an intrinsic perspective. However, there are metrics to deal with. The modern-day minister has to be a CEO, CFO, COO, orator, shepherd, counselor all in one. The spotlight is always on the minister and their families. The profession is fraught with risks, temptations, challenges, difficulties, and burnout. How do you measure the transformation of the heart, the alteration of lives, and ministry effectiveness? The exercise of faith, hope, love, forgiveness, and having a healthy congregation is hard to compute. However, it is these very concepts that the minister is trying to move forward in the congregation.

I have had the privilege to interview David Adams, Senior Pastor at Stone Ridge fellowship on moving from success to significance, Joanna Lafleur from the TV show See Hear Love on communication, Jonathan Manafo from The Village Whitby on Christmas, Pastor Beth on prayer, Mark Strickland minister from the People Church on dating, Lorie Hartshorn from 700 Club Canada on faith, Chris Vacher minister on creative leadership and Gillianne Brisboise from the Church of Christ on love in action.

I am excited to interview Kevin Robbins, a senior minister from Milestone Ministries. I met Kevin more than 25 years ago when his father-in-law used to mentor me. I have always found Kevin to be a down-to-earth, humble, a great listener, and a man who loves his wife, daughters, and mother-in-law. Kevin does not let the past define him. He is focused on the future, making it a better place, creating value for other humans, and making a difference.  I had not seen him for more than a decade and then ran into him at a party. We talked in detail about getting help in different areas of life. Kevin is introspective and is always looking at how he can get better. I admire how he has pivoted his organization through the challenges of COVID-19.

Kevin is real and vulnerable in this interview. As a minister, a father, and a husband he has come out on the other side thriving. I am super encouraged by this interview and I hope you read it a couple of times and apply the golden nuggets to your life.

Kevin, an honor to have you on Four Columns. I want my audience to know a little about you?

Everyone has a launchpad in life that shapes who they are. Mine was growing up in rural northern Canada. We were a family of six that subsisted well below the poverty line. Living in a small log cabin with no water and electricity and my family was burdened by many internal and external stressors that included chronic unemployment, social marginalization, domestic disputes, alcoholism, and significant mental health issues.

This foundational stage of my life created a desire to find meaning and value for the remainder of my days and I’m blessed to be on a journey with the love of my life Lisa. We have two married daughters that have launched vibrant careers. I have become a church-planter and church-builder over the last 30 years, have lived in Los Angeles, Vancouver, Halifax, and Toronto received a Masters’s degree, become an author and motivational speaker that focuses on the best life everyone should be living.

You have been a minister for three decades. It is a tough, grueling job. What drew you to become a minister and what is your why?

Most people in church ministry will tell you that they felt “a calling” to the job and I suppose I am no different. But since that phrase is somewhat cliche, my specific answer would be to give. Early in my life, I decided the life that makes the most sense for me was to create value for others.

You have been married for three decades. I want to know the practical secrets of having a strong and vibrant marriage like yours?

Lisa and I love being married, in fact, other than our faith and the kids that came as a result of our marriage, love and our marriage is our most favorite thing in life!

In my opinion, having a strong and vibrant marriage is not hard at all. The secret is the priority. None of us need to be lectured about priorities, we all have a couple of things in life that are the most important to us proven by the amount of time, thought and effort we put into them. The hardest part of marriage is deciding if it will rank as your highest priority…if you are willing to prioritize, your commitment to each other gets a lot easier.

Before the pandemic of 2020, Lisa and I traveled and gave keynote lessons at marriage conferences around North America. When the world shut down, on the suggestion of some close friends we launched weekly episodes on YouTube called Marriage Monday. We were amazed at the hundreds and sometimes thousands of couples that joined the live stream and still do each week.

During the height of the lockdown, we wrote a book called Stay Home Marriage, How to Stay In Love Before, During and After a Global Pandemic. We kept the book short and fun, and it was a rewarding experience. We especially have enjoyed seeing how it has connected and resonated with couples around the world. The premise of the book is based on the simple idea that life, health, career, and legacy are enhanced when you make your marriage a priority. You can find out more about it and link to our videos at wildmarriage.com.

What are some of the secrets of living with three women? I live with two and sometimes or many times I have to keep my sarcastic humor to myself?

I’ve heard the urban legend that boys are easier to raise than girls because girls are too complex when they become teens. I don’t believe it, I’ve always thought “God knew what he was doing when he gave me daughters, not sons.”  For me, boys are just too loud, smelly, and end up breaking most of your most expensive stuff!

Seriously, there’s no doubt that eventually, the male and female worldviews come into conflict with one another when you live under one roof. If a man’s brain is a waffle and a woman’s brain is spaghetti (or whatever metaphor is most trendy right now) there are going to be a lot of opportunities for bumps within our interactions. Patience and communication are the lynchpins to keep everyone connected.

Lisa serves as an interpreter in our family, and she educates me as to why my very logical statements (IMO) don’t make sense to the girls, why my sarcasm isn’t actually funny but caustic to the women in the house, or why whenever I’m asked what I am feeling and I say, “I dunno, nothin’”, that is inconceivable to the women of my family!  I know my wife works equally hard explaining the intricacies of the male brain to my daughters because I often see them huddle to decipher and debrief after one of my family-famous pontifications about the way the world should be.

Fatherhood changed me forever. What did you learn from fatherhood?

I appreciate my father. I think about him often. He had a very difficult life. He suffered from severe mental health issues and when I was 13 years old, he died of suicide.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from fatherhood is that negative cycles can be broken. In fact, for the sake of my children, negative cycles must be broken. I have no patience for self-pity that manifests itself in fatherhood that pulls back from the spouse and kids only to get lost in the perpetual adolescence of work, sports, or hobbies that ultimately exclude family. To me, there are only two things more important than my children, my faith and their mother. Everything else, albeit fun, is way down the list of important.

Talk to me about how we can become better fathers, husbands, brothers, and just ethical men in our culture?

It’s my observation that every father, husband, and brother will eventually reach a crossroad moment to take a stand on principle or collapse into a character deficit. This becomes not only a defining moment personally, but it shapes your legacy impact on all who are connected to you. I think being a principled person is how to become “better”.

Most claim to have bed-rock principles, but few live it out. It is ironic that adults usually think the height of peer pressure happened in their teen years, but we all know it’s alive and thriving now…among C-suite corporates, marketing, sales, laborer’s and even in those of the church-attending crowd.  Worry about status, standing, and what others think and say about us will eventually gut our ethics and we soon find we’re moving the goalposts of what is and is not integrity.

Admittedly, taking a stand on principle can lead to a lonely place. It may result in devastating disappointment when even those you have considered allies and friends turn from you or worse, on you. I’ve seen many men decide it’s too much of a price to pay, but if you’re asking how you as a solitary participant in this life can exact ethical change, this is how you do it; demand integrity over the illusion of popularity.

I have a sticky note at my desk that I read often, “One of the truest test of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.” – Chinua Achebe

Faith is very important to you. Talk to me about the practical aspects of your faith. How can we use unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness in this world that is hurting?

Yes, faith is very important to me. I consider it first among my top three priorities of life. I’ve devoted my life in pursuit of understanding who God is and equally complex, who I am supposed to be (still working on that concept!). It has not always made for an easy journey, but faith continues to be my most treasured possession.

You mentioned love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness, I call these the Big 7. As humans, we are undeniably drawn to this list and we search for a safe place where we will be treated with such generosity. But offering the Big 7 consistently to others around us is usually quite difficult.

The word gospel in Greek is euangelion and it means simply “good news”. I believe this good news is summed up in the Big 7. At any given time there seems to be so much in this world that is out of control or getting worse, we can barely understand it all and we certainly can’t control it all, but at the very least, we can choose to drop in any of the Big 7 and good news makes an impact to any hurting place in this world.

I hear of some of my contemporary ministers deriding society, crying for the morality of days gone by and adding to theories that lend themselves to conspiracy. I don’t see it the same way. It is a historical fact that the euangelion always endures in every changing season. If things get dark, the good news will be light. When life becomes sorrowful, the good news will offer joy. When regret rules the day, the good news gives a new start.

The good news of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness always win the day. It may take a while…but always wins. The only question is, will I give the Big 7 away to others?

Walk me through a typical day as a minister and what are the modern challenges that a minister faces today?

The typical day of a minister is atypical. My congregation has over a thousand active members, so it is not unusual for my day to begin with concise plans and appointments that suffer a slow death by way of interruption. I don’t say that with any resentment, it is just that anyone who wants to operate successfully in the business of people needs patience and a desire to bring value to others often over structured goals.

That said, a typical day usually begins early with reading, study, and prayer followed by connecting with those in the community who are in need. The business hours of the day often hold preparation for sermon series, lessons, and teaching classes, training interns, and mentoring younger ministers and staff. There is an administration team to attend to, worship teams, digital teams, and social media teams. The later part of the day usually allows the opportunity to meet with those requesting life direction and counseling. Of course, there is always the rhythm of church meetings like Sunday services, midweek meetings, weekly small group gatherings, board of directors meetings, elders and deacon meetings and the list goes on. Most days are physically and emotionally taxing, but I enjoy them. I have a dear uncle who every time he sees me is compelled to tell the same tongue-in-cheek joke, “Ministers have the best job in the world because they only work one hour a week on Sunday morning.” I politely laugh each time he says it, but I can assure you, it’s far from an accurate characterization.

In 2020 churches, like every other organization, have leaped into the digital world. Because of COVID-19, there was no “learning curve”, it was more like a “learning rock wall” …straight up and a lot of bruises when you fall! Most ministers I know are exhausted after more than a year trying to find, listen, help, encourage, laugh and cry with their members. Measurements for success in a church are arbitrary metrics, at least difficult to define on an excel spreadsheet.

No one knows for sure what “church” will look like on the other side of the pandemic, but I’m certain it will be different. Between you and me, I think that’s kind of exciting and I look forward to it!

Let’s talk food. What are some of your favorite haunts in Toronto?

I live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world and it offers a gastronomic celebration everyday…if you’re adventurous enough! Honestly, because I live in Toronto it feels like my favorite restaurant haunt changes weekly, but right now it is Drupatis, offering West Indian fare and my personal favorites are called Doubles, small pastry pockets filled with a chickpea filling. Way better than it sounds. You gotta try it!

2020 was a brutal year for me. There are many who are reading this who are hurting. As a minister talk to me about hope, persevering, overcoming evil with good, and staying focused?

There is no denying that 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have been difficult for everyone. The truth is, we don’t even know the entire story yet. I’m sure over the next decade researchers will give us statistics that reveal the massive challenges we all endured in the economy, education, politics, mental health, marriage, parenting, and our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Not to mention that we are literally living out an experiment in real-time regarding the impact of social media and screen-time usage. We are present-day over-comers if we know it or not.

This last year forced Lisa and me to deeply examine how we evaluate the world around us. It was getting too easy to become discouraged, despondent, cynical, and hopeless. So, we asked ourselves why and then we wrote the first chapter of our book and gave it the title “Porch Pirates and Other Thieves”. In short, it is an exploration of the importance of radical optimism and refusing to let life’s outward circumstances steal from the life you can be living.

Among the most encouraging ideas is that you play a role in changing the way you think, in fact, you must. It’s not just embracing a disconnected pollyanna view of your life or white-knuckling your way through the difficult times, but it is literally rewiring your brain through neuroplasticity.  Every single thought, whether positive or negative makes a lasting connection, so why not make the thoughts good?

As a minister I love the way our society’s ground-breaking brain research is matching some ancient Biblical advice, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

Whatever you do, never forget there’s a lot of good around you. Think about it.

The post Kevin Robbins: Minister Focusing on Radical Optimism appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

What is the meaning of life?

I have known Mayple Dorrington since I started my career at Scotia Bank. Mayple was Director, Communications and Change Management at Scotia Bank.  Mayple recently wrote a book called Finding: The Oasis in my Soul. It is a journal, an encouraging journey through the spectrum of real-life experiences of trials and triumphs. As you read her book, you can relate to it. You will see a reflection of your own experiences. The book asks some relevant questions about having an empty void within us, do we have doubts about our gifts, weaknesses,  our purpose, and our identity?

I am a big fan of gratitude, and this book challenges my thinking to transform my mind and to get a deeper conviction of love and purpose in my life. If you are struggling with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety, get the book, become empowered, lead an authentic life, and transform yourself into what you are intended to be.  This is the first of a two-part interview.

Mayple, a true honor to have you talk to four columns. Tell my audience a little bit about you?

Jerry, firstly I want to thank you for the opportunity to participate in your blog. I’m deeply honored to be having this dialogue with you and your audience.

Born on the beautiful island of Jamaica I grew up in a happy, loving family cushioned in a viable business environment.   The business became a casualty following the aftermath of the 1970s economic downturn in my country and the outcome later triggered my family’s immigration to another beautiful country, Canada. With a business mindset, I later pursued that area of study and embarked on an amazing career in the financial industry that spanned 3 continents with direct access to over 27 countries.  Alongside my banking occupation of choice, I am an author and a motivational speaker.  My professional designations include an economist, chartered banker, high school teacher and a personal financial planner.

I am a devout Christian who anchored my beliefs, decisions, and hope in the power of the risen Jesus Christ.  With my teaching discipline, I constantly volunteer my skills for mentoring and coaching and by my mentees’ own admission, I have the knack to identify, develop and empower countless persons in reaching their personal goals.

Having said that, my passion is primarily centered around the relationships I forged working with people drawn from across the globe and living in the most multicultural city in the world. Through these experiences, I learned how to coexist with people, understand their behaviors, outlook, and preferences, and dispense greater tolerance, acceptance, and compassion in helping others. An area that keeps me growing is to intentionally embrace the power of mindfulness. This awareness constantly provokes and inspires me to challenge my mind, peel away layers of obscurity, to look deeper and wider for insights toward the path in finding truths.

Finding: The oasis in my soul. It is an intense name for a book. How did the book come about? What is the main message? Who is the audience? What is unique and different about the message?  

Jerry, there’s lots to unpack here… yes,  the name is indeed intense. You may notice I deliberately said “Finding” and not “Find” or “Found” because it’s a journey, not a destination. My book chronicles an inspiring journey through the lens of my real-life experiences of trials and triumphs and using what I have been through to come to a place of what I now know for sure.

Strangely the genesis of my book was drawn from my wanderlust nature.  Traveling to many countries, living amongst diverse nationalities, and conversing with numerous people from different walks of life, age, and outlook; hearing their stories, the many dreams realized, the hardships overcame, and bouncing back from mistakes, I realized how much we all have in common.

I wrote the book to expose our human commonality and to express how I cultivate the power to confront and stare down the debilitating state of uncertainty, worry, and fear.  How like myself, we can overcome our shortcomings and elevate our talents and self-worth to be the best.

During my speaking engagements, after sharing my story, which is often intertwined with slices from the lives of many others, seeing the visceral reaction of agreement from my diverse audience, I validated how we all want to feel valued, loved, and accepted. The main point is to have a positive self-image of not who I am, but who God intended me to be.  How I claim truth and confidence from the backdrop of biblical examples of trust, faith, and obedience.  Each chapter illustrates a meaningful life experience, which is brutally frank about what I learned, the impact of the practical application, and my spiritual transformation. Each reader will walk away with valuable nuggets to build their confidence and self-worth.

My core objective and the key message are to challenge the readers’ thinking and arouse a sense of gratitude, wonder, and introspection, allowing us to draw from an ever-renewing Oasis where we can replace worry, fear, and doubt with the joyful assurance of God’s promises and faithfulness.

The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive that this is exactly the response it evokes. I painted a graphic picture of my experiences, whether illness, a hero to zero career moves, friendship betrayal, family choices, to be transformed, to come to a place of rest, not a place of stop, but resting on the dependence and assurance of God’s love while seeking new adventures to spread my wings.  The overarching message may not be unique or different, but it’s worth reinforcing to keep us building self-awareness on how we can draw inspiration and hope from seemingly common encounters and events in our lives. It about seeing and acknowledging God’s love and handiwork in all aspects of our lives.

Explain to me what does women’s empowerment means to you?    

Empowerment is about acting on my own volition, having options, having the autonomy to make choices.  Really, Jerry, it’s to emancipate me from the sense of powerlessness, to become self-determined, being able to take charge of my life by owning my decisions, circumstances, hopes, and dreams, growing stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Having said that, for me, I do not believe women’s empowerment is independent of the influence of men. I strongly believe men and women were created with different, but complementary traits. When working in unity, we unleash the freedom to both look outward, naturally curious in opening ourselves to the universe, feeling supported to take risks, and to reimagine possibilities based on the imagery of how to think, rather than the limitation of what to think.

I have countless examples of gender neutrality during brainstorming, problem-solving, and trouble-shooting that delivered the optimum results, mainly because women are allowed the latitude, civility, and respect to explore and articulate their thoughts without judgment or fear. This type of liberation allows me to embrace and benefit from a diversity of thoughts; to see ideas from various points of view, despite differences reaching common ground, by filtering everything through what is pleasing to God. Why, because like all good things, true and authentic empowerment comes from honoring the will of God.

I am a big fan of being authentic and leading a transparent life. Help me understand what you mean by living an authentic life?    

Yes, Jerry, authentic and transparent are two buzz words presently tossed around a lot! Irrespective of the scholarly definition, at the core, this is about living one’s truth, what we know for sure, which can be shaped by our many experiences.

For me, it is when my values and beliefs are compatible with the integrity of my doctrine, actions, and words. It’s about self-awareness, knowing myself at a deep level, accepting my multi-faceted traits, my strengths, and imperfections; having the desire to continuously grow as I reconcile my good, bad and ugly qualities, which are common to all of us. I find that oftentimes, with increasing societal pressure, we lean into what the world prescribed as a success.  Whether to gain wealth, fame, alter our appearance or job aspiration, we can compromise who we are created to be which often leads to self-loathing, and unhappiness.

To justify my point, let’s take a look at the billions in revenue generated from cosmetic industries, fake content, scamming, Ponzi schemes, and the like. You see, in our humanness, our hearts are deceitful, full of pride, and can easily trap us in a state of denial and falseness to elevate ourselves. I am not immune to this pretense, but growing in spiritual maturity and wisdom, I try to be deliberate in not allowing this malignant state to frighten or paralyze me, but to be powered by my dependence on the spirit God graciously places within us.  As I summon the courage to live from a place of acceptance, growth, humility, and inner peace, only then, I can be the best expression of myself, which will be evident to impact others as I attract, influence, and sustain meaningful relationships.

The post Mayple Dorrington: Finding the Meaning of Life appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Everything happens for a reason

I asked for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom, and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity, and God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience, and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for love, and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors, and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted; I received everything I needed.

My prayers have been answered

It was the summer of 98. I was madly in love with three girls (so I thought).

In other words, one was in Paris. The other two were in Montreal and Calgary.

As a result, I had flown to Paris for two weeks to see where I stood. I made two trips to Montreal. The girl in Calgary I had loved for more than a decade.

The much-dreaded letter came from Paris. All written in French. She was not sure where she stood. Strike one. Two more to go. The response from Montreal was she was not sure. Strike two.

In conclusion, the Calgary one was it. I mean she was half-Indian. In addition, the other half was the bohemian Hungarian. We would be a couple. She came to Toronto for Christmas. We spent some time. I met her family. I finally told her. She knew I had loved her for nearly a decade. She dated two friends of mine. She left for Calgary with the intention of packing up and moving back to Toronto.

About two days later, I got a call at midnight. She had spoken to a friend who was a friend of an old ex and did not think it was a good idea.

Dead in the water. Back to square one.  Almighty, so you are trying to teach me something. Half of my life I have spent in the oven. Come on… I need a break.

Lo and behold, I meet Debbie in 99. We were friends. I teased her a lot. Even I tried to set her up with someone.

Someone asked me if I would be open to her.

I mean I am brown. She is white. Boring white. Throw some Latina names around. Give me someone who I can romance. It is supposed to be like in the movies.

Jerry. You do not get it. The girl is right under you. All your life you are chasing trophy women.

OK, OK, OK, OK. One date. One date and that is it. I will try one date and get it done with it. That first date happened in Jan 2000.

A quick Swiss Chalet lunch. In addition, it will all be over. I even wanted to cancel it. One of her friends said she was looking forward to it.

On a cold January Sunday. We went to the Swiss Chalet on Finch, opposite the Humbold Centre. I made some small talk. Cracked some dumb jokes. I dropped her home.

Her friend called and said how it went. Whatever, no feelings on my side. By the way, do you know any Latina girls? Jerry, she loved the date. She loved how you opened the doors for her. She loved how you paid attention to her.

My jaws dropped. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just chasing the wrong women. Our next date was for Valentine’s Day. A little risky move. Let me take a nice Hamilton girl to a Pakistani restaurant. A small dinghy greasy place. Surely, she will know. Who takes someone for Valentine’s Day to a greasy Pakistani restaurant? Me of course. I am trying to send the message…not interested.

It was one of the best dates. We laughed. She just loved the food.

Debbie worked opposite me at a law firm. We got along. She laughed at my dumb jokes. She appreciated me. All my pedigree meant nothing to her. She just cared for me. She just put up with my private school, only kid, arrogant attitude.

We were opposites in everything. Opposites do attract.

One date led to another and in the summer of 2000, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Therefore, sparks need to happen. Heaven needs to separate. I was giving myself 6 months. The more I spent time with her; the more I realized this woman loved me unconditionally. In addition, there were no pretensions around her.

I called her on Christmas day. Her sister Dawn answered. This is Jerry on the other side. Your brother in law. Well, Dawn, Debbie is it. I just need to ask your dad’s permission.

In February of 2001, I took her parents to see the Wedding Planner. We had a good time. I called Doug later that week and asked him if I could marry his daughter.

Plans were to get a ring and do something extraordinary.

On the last Saturday of March, we drove to the Prince of Wales restaurant in Niagara on the Lake. After lunch, we went on a tour of Niagara in a helicopter. The pilot was told to just shut up and just let us talk. Thousands of feet above the falls, I posed the question. She said yes.

We came back to Toronto. Both of our families and her friends were waiting for dinner.

In September of 2001, we got married. We went to Portugal, Spain, and Morocco for our honeymoon.

Debbie has taught me gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. She has taught me to see the pleasure in simple things. She has made me humble, gentle, patient, and not let the small things bother me.

Jean our 22 year old daughter makes us a complete family.

I look forward to being married for the next 100 years.

The post Everything Happens For a Reason appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I am in my 25th year of marriage. I am reminded of Michelle Obama, who said that “Our greatness comes when we appreciate each other’s strengths, when we learn from each other, when we lean on each other”. I make mistakes all the time in my marriage. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery reminds us that “One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, love your spouse, treat her with respect, give her a big hug, and appreciate that she is different from you.

Appreciate your partner

I am having dinner with Debbie, Brian, and Sarah two weeks before my wedding.

Brian was the minister who was going to marry me. This was an opportune time to pick his brain.

Brian was a decade older. We did not have much in common. We had our disagreements. He was married for a while. I did respect him because he had a great marriage. He adored his wife.

Brian, what is the secret to a great marriage? I was expecting the following answers:

– Go to the e-harmony website and look at the 29 characteristics to have to be successful
– Pray together
– Spend quality time together
– Do not go to bed angry
– Keep the fights clean and the s.. dirty
– Be sensitive to her
– Just humble out and say you are sorry
– Build a triangle with God being the third

All of the above were great points. However, he surprised me with “enjoy each other’s difference”.

To be honest with you, I did not take what he was saying seriously. I was focusing more on the wine and the steak. I was excited about the wedding. 

After the honeymoon phase, things were becoming clearer. I was type A, Debbie was type Z negative. I was a hardcore disciplined individual. Debbie thought that word was Latin. I made 3 months 1 year and 5-year plans, Debbie flew by the seat of her pants. I was outgoing and carried my heart on my sleeve, Debbie was the stiff upper lip Scottish.

She forgave easily. I did not know how to spell forgiveness. I did not have patience, she had all the time in the world. I was prideful and full of myself. She was humble, down to earth with no pretensions. The big one. I was born in a home surrounded by about 10 women. Debbie was raised by her dad. She brought the toolbox into the wedding. I was brand conscious; she did not know the difference between a Toyota and a Mercedes let alone between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild and a Chilean Red. Enjoy each other’s differences, I said to myself. Easier said than done.

It finally hit me what Brian said. Did he give this advice to every couple who asked? He probably knew both our temperaments. No matter what it was wisdom?

It made me look at life differently.

Rather than seeing Debbie’s shortcomings, I just appreciate that she is different. It makes me understand why we are in each other’s life. Opposites attract. Marrying someone unlike you is exciting and challenging. Marrying a clone is boring. It also helped me to appreciate my own past and why I react the way I do.
The home does not have to be pristine clean every time. We do not have to be perfect. It also helped me get off the performance-driven treadmill.

It has helped me in my friendships. I do not get upset or angry just because someone disagrees with me. I am glad someone has another angle. It is ok to be friends with a tree hugger or a left-wing hawk. I need to have compassion for that 40-year-old legalist, who has never had a job, lives at home but sends me countless emails inviting me to all these life-changing events. It is his way of doing things. 

It has helped me in my business decisions. Being emotionally intelligent help, you make rational decisions. I might look at a business from a pure momentum play. Another has a bottom’s up approach. Alternatively, someone has a top-bottom way of doing research.

It has helped me deal with other Christian denominations. It has made me accepting, less judgmental, finding common ground and looking at the heart rather than playing church Olympics.

A friend recently remarked that he has known me for the last 30 years and this is the happiest I have ever been. Another remarked I am balanced.

I am sure it has to do with me getting older, wiser, married and being a father. A big portion of it is “enjoy each others difference”.

The post Appreciate Each Others Differences appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. – Dalai Lama XIV

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

Introduction

Philosophers, scientists, and intellectuals have agonized for years over what happiness is. On a personal basis, happiness is not being high all the time or feeling ecstatic, being rich, or sitting on a yacht in Cannes.

When my daughter was young, we would go on long drives, and every few minutes she would ask, “Are we there yet?” Happiness is not the final destination.

In my opinion, happiness is being satisfied with where you are in life.

The pursuit of happiness is a goal for a lot of people. From my perspective and life experiences, here are some secrets to achieving happiness and contentment in life.

Never compare yourself to anyone

Our five fingers are not the same. Each snowflake is individual and unique. Every human being is unique and rare. All human beings have strengths, weaknesses, and gifts. Therefore, it is no use comparing your status, wealth, titles, education, or achievements. Each individual has their own story and challenges. Life does not flow the way we want.

Accept life is unfair

The sun shines on everyone. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. That is life. Never fight it. Above all, we are all on this boat called life. On the sea, there will be good days; there will be weeks of high waves rocking you and there could be a hurricane. Life throws all kinds of things at you which can seem unfair at times, for instance.

Practice gratitude daily

I went to a private British boarding school then went to university in Switzerland and now live in Canada. The truth is until I met Debbie I did not know how to spell gratitude. Gratitude is a choice. A person who is grateful appreciates that there is value in something which is extrinsic, cannot put a monetary value to it, and is free. Over the last ten years, I start my day by being grateful to be alive, in good health, Debbie, Jean, my parents, amazing friends, and a great life. In other words, it has changed me and I am not the same person that I was a decade ago.

Forgive daily

This is my biggest weakness. However, if you want to be in any form of a relationship as a father, husband, son, friend, or mentor, you have to forgive. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. It is about setting boundaries. We cannot have resentments or want compensation for the loss or hurt caused by others. Forgiveness is not letting people take advantage of you, ignoring the offense, or condoning it. This is a work in progress for me. I have not mastered forgiveness completely.

It is critical to living our lives in love, peace, being patient, kind, gentle, and having compassion. I am by nature impatient. I have a long way to go in being compassionate.

Volunteer and give to charity

Research has shown that giving to charity and volunteering activates the pleasure centers in the brain. When we volunteer our time to an organization it makes us realize how lucky we are. I remember volunteering in the Out of the Cold Program. It really made me realize how lucky I was to have a roof over my head. When I give to charity, it makes me realize, I am making a difference. It gives meaning to my life. Try it. You never know if happiness awaits you.

Do not have unrealistic expectations

If you want to destroy your relationship with your parents, brother, sister, wife, children, and co-workers then you can do it by having unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations are unhealthy because it sets others and us for failure. It is assuming a level of control that we do not have in a situation.

I am a recovering perfectionist. Over the last five years, this is something I have grown the most. It has allowed me to be free. I am less demanding, less judgmental, more empathetic, and loving.

Deal with issues in life

I am a big believer in living a balanced life. The physical, mental, emotional, financial, and psychological self must all be in harmony. We must accept our brokenness. We must be humble and realize we are no better. We all have issues we need to deal with. It could be our ego, insecurities, anger, impatience, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and other issues. We need to face them and deal with them. The more I understand my own brokenness and am in touch with it on a daily basis; it makes me a better human being.

Connect with your family and friends often

Humans are meant to connect. We are meant for relationships. We thrive when we are in healthy relationships. Research has shown that those people who have supportive friends and family tend to be less anxious and depressed.

Over the last 18 months, I have lost four close friends. It has been tough and challenging. However, it is my ecosystem of relationships that have sustained me through this tough time.

Focus on goals

It is important to have goals in every area of your life. Every year I write down my goals. It could be a simple thing like I need to read more books. Goals keep us focused.

Try new things and pursue your passion

Before I met Debbie, I had never gone on an all-inclusive. I just never saw myself as just lying on the beach. I have gone on more than ten beach vacations all over the Caribbean. It has opened up my mind. I have also decided to pursue my passion for becoming a writer. It excites me. I have all these topics that I want to write about. I am focused and passionate about making this a full-time job.

It is important to understand that happiness should not be the goal. It is the byproduct of my doing all the things on a consistent basis. There are times when I have failed miserably. There are times; I have wanted to give up. But I just bounce back the next day.

Good luck and write back to me as to how some of these points have helped you to achieve contentment and happiness in your life.

The post 10 Secrets to Happiness appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.