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Parenting has taken on a whole new meaning during Covid 19.

Parents, caregivers, and children across the country are facing challenges and have to constantly pivot during the lockdown.

Focus on creating quality time and make sure your children are connected with family, friends, and neighbors through social media, chats, phones, and email.

Go on walks with your children while maintaining a safe distance.

Listen to understand your children, focus on their positive behavior and be a role model.

I talk to Brett about mental health and parenting.

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders, and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating, and media. Brett’s seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with the modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe, and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage in tough conversations in our society today.

Husband to Dawn and father of Bennett and Zoe, Brett and his family make their home in Ajax, Ontario where Brett leads and directs Worlds Apart, a charity focused on empowering individuals to re-align their lives with Biblical core values often muddled by media but central to Christian living.

Brett was a teacher with the Toronto District School Board for 10 years before moving into speaking full-time back in 2005. Brett has a Master’s degree in Evangelism and Leadership from Wheaton Graduate School in Chicago and is also a graduate of the Arrow Leadership Program. He and his family are members of Sanctus Church in Ajax since 2004. I catch up with Brett to talk about mental health and parenting.

Brett, please tell my audience a little about you?

My name is Brett Ullman. My wife (Dawn) and I live in Ajax, Ontario with our 2 teenagers Zoe (16) and Ben (15). I was a teacher with the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) for 10 years before leaving teaching 13 years ago to speak full-time. My speaking had started the year I began teaching and had grown to the point where I was teaching full-time and speaking 45 dates a year across Canada and the US. I speak on current issues from parenting, mental health, dating, media, faith, sex, men, and pornography.

I have a 14-year daughter, what is the best advice you can give me?

There is a quote from the book “Trophy Child” from Ted Cunningham that says “They will not be with me forever so I will prepare them accordingly.” This would be my best advice … prepare your daughter for life, don’t protect her from life. We seem to see an epidemic of over-parenting (which is rooted in fear-based parenting) throughout our society. If 4 years from now she heads away for school she better be ready to deal with everything from good online digital citizenship, dealing with sex and pornography, dealing with money, all aspects of dating, etc.

As a side point, I would say go and tell her that you love her. I am blown away on an ongoing basis by how many young girls tell me their dad has never told them he loved her.

I would also remind her often that you are there for her, not against her. That we as parents want the best for our kids and we are in their corner in life is a huge deal. This also means that we are still for them even when they mess up. Our kids need to know that we love them “forever and always” no matter what happens. This is unconditional love.

In the last decade, we as a society have been talking about mental health. What can we as parents do if our kid is struggling?

If I am in a room of students and/or parents and ask who knows someone who struggles with mental health, there is usually not a hand that does not go up. It is affecting all of us as a modern culture today. As someone who had a breakdown back in 2012 from speaking close to 300 speaking dates a year to pay for my Master’s degree, I was taking down in Chicago I understand first-hand the … what word do I use … struggle that those of us with mental health struggles face within the church today. One of the issues is that we allow people with cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses to follow a path to healing using best practices (doctors, medications, etc) but tell someone struggling with mental health it must be a spiritual issue. I have an entire talk on this called the Walking Wounded. Let me give you the 2 min summary.

If you or your kids are struggling with mental health you need to attack it in 3 ways:

1. Body – go to your family doctor. Get blood work, and a physical done and see if there is anything physically wrong with you. You then need to take care of your body by eating better, sleeping more, and doing daily exercise. Some of the struggles we have are just from our living unsustainable lives. We need to take back control of what we can.
2. Mind – go see a counselor and get some strategies to help you in your journey.
3. Soul – Now this is the one that gets vast debate. I would say that our faith is (for the most part) not the answer in the journey but is the thing that sustains us in the journey no matter the outcome. Talk to pastors, prayer teams, small groups, and other people and allow them into your journey as well.

How are sexuality, media, and dating related?

I put them all under an umbrella I call a Christian Sexual Ethic or a Biblical worldview of healthy sexuality. If you have a correct ethic or worldview on this, it will affect all aspects of how we view sexuality in our lives. This affects what we do in relationships, what we do online, and the type of media we put into our lives.

Give me some practical examples as to how we can connect an ancient faith to our fast-paced modern culture?

I think it starts with a Biblical Worldview. Your Worldview shapes your values, and then your values shape your actions, what you actually do in life. I have been talking about spiritual disciplines for 15 years in my talks. These are the primary spiritual formation building blocks of our faith. Reading, praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, etc. are the foundations of our faith. I just finished a chapter on this for my new book so here is a shortlist of a few books to get you started in this area:

1. Dallas Willard: The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives
2. Richard J. Foster: Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth
3. Nathan Foster: The Making of an Ordinary Saint
4. Patrick M. Morley: A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines: 12 Habits to Strengthen Your Walk with Christ
5. Ken Shigematsu: God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God
6. Gary Thomas: Sacred Pathways
7. Ruth R. Barton: Sacred Rhythms: Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation

Give me some practical tips on parenting and how to communicate with our kids on taboo topics?

The author Henry Cloud says we need to “Enter the danger.” We need not shy away from the tough stuff but lean into the conversations.

One thing that is really important here is that if you want to be able to speak to your kids on tough topics, you have to have relational influence in their lives. This is not something that you get because you are a parent, it is something you have to earn. When your kids are born, you have positional influence as you are the parent, and they are the kid. As they get older this fades away, and you must have relational influence. You build this day by day as your kids are growing up by being involved in their lives, family dinners, family vacations, family meetings, talks on the couch, game night, movie night, laughing and crying with your kids, encouraging them, etc.

Back to the tough topics use people around you. If you do not know what to say about a particular topic spend some time searching online, talk to your pastors and leaders, talk to parents of kids who are older than yours, read books on this topic, spend time on YouTube and searching Ted talks for great content. My website (www.brettullman.com) is filled with resources like this. My blog has conversations on all of these tough topics and the best links to other resources are all posted.

Talk to my female audience and help them in the dating world and how they need to navigate it?

I might start with a younger audience and say you don’t need to rush into dating in Grade 5-11. It will add a lot of heartaches, and the real question you are going to have to answer is what do you do sexually in these relationships as there is not much else that will be different from a good friend and dating other than that.

The other side of that coin is said to people who are out of High School and challenging them actually to date. We have a problem I see today where people are just not dating.

An important question to ask is not whether they like you, but whether they are worth you’re like.

Let me explain this better. It is great they like you, but does it matter? Are they the right person for you? Do you also like them? Do you have anything in common etc.? You don’t need to date someone just because they like you. You have a choice whether to like them back (in a dating way) or just stay friends.

What are some questions we need to ask ourselves before getting married?

The most viewed blog on my site with over 12,600 views is 80+ questions you need to ask when you are dating. Lots of questions to ask before you ever get engaged and married. Just a few good ones would be:

–    What behavior is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage

–    Are you a non-practicing Christian? What does the Christian faith mean to you?

–    Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?

–    What kind of home do you want your children to grow up in? Values? Rules?

–    What will you do? Where will you live? What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?

You can use my blog as a start and then add any other questions you have. The point is to ask these before you get serious. If you want to have kids and they do not this is a massive red flag that your relationship might not be right. If they’re going to move to another place in the country and you want to live near your family and friends, it might be another red flag. 

How important is communication in the family?

It is paramount. I am a huge fan of family dinners, family meetings, family vacations, etc. The problem we see today is peer attachment without parental attachment. This is seen in Leonard Sax’s’ book The Collapse of Parenting. Our kids are looking for unconditional love and acceptance from their peers which is just something they are not able to give. Our kids need a strong, secure attachment (bond) with us as parents, only then can they head out into the world and bond with their peers.

We as parents need to make sure that we work at good communication. No technology at the dinner table. Phones are on airplane mode and not on silent. People need to look at each other in the eye when they are talking. This problem of partial attention is getting worse in life.

We also need to have open communication on the expectations of our kids around the house. Clear, agreed on boundaries and expectations for everything from chores to curfew.

How do you balance faith family finance and food in this busy world?

I think the first thought here is just to be conscious that you want to live a balanced, sustainable life. I am presently reading “The Ripple Effect” by Greg Wells. The bi-line is:

Sleep better

Eat better

Move better

Think better

So love this. Many years ago, I heard the analogy of the jar with the different size rocks. If you put in the sand and small stones first the large rocks will not fit in. But, if you put in the large rocks, then small stones, then the sand they will all fit. It is the same in our lives. Plan your life to fit in the large rocks first (exercise, sleep, diet, faith etc.), then put in the smaller stones (shopping, cleaning, volunteering) When all of these things are done you are left to put in the sand of your life (TV, social media, video games, etc).

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Gardening has taught me so many lessons in life.

I want to give you some quotes from famous people regarding gardening:

I think the true gardener, the older he grows, should more and more develop a humble, grateful and uncertain spirit. – Reginald Farrer

A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all, it teaches entire trust. – Gertrude Jekyll

A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. – Greek proverb

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. – May Sarton

Introduction

We are one week into fall. As a result, the weather is changing. It is getting darker earlier. The leaves are changing color. In conclusion, it is time to start pruning the garden.

I have been a city boy for most of my life. Therefore, buying a home with a garden was an experience in itself.

We moved in the summer when the flowers and everything in the garden was blooming. However, little did I realize the work involved in maintaining it.

The first year I noticed the grass on my lawn going brown. A neighbor told me he sensed it would be white grubs.  Grubs are larvae of beetles and attack the roots of turfgrass.

Since the home was barely new, the builder had put the sod on the original mud rather than a thick layer of topsoil. As I drove around the hood, the best grass was that which was growing on a thick layer of topsoil.

I took the easy route. I went to a construction site. They were offering free topsoil. It was a weed-infested. Guess what no grass showed up but weeds.

Last year I ordered a whole truck of topsoil. I ordered the best grass seeds. For three weeks in September, I mixed the seed and the topsoil. The lawn looks the best in years.

Lessons learned

We need to build our lives on a solid base. Character is important. Discipline will take us through the hard times.

To have a great garden you must have patience, a nurturing spirit, and a willingness to sweat. Nature provides the sun we provide the water, fertilizer, and hard work. To have a career or to excel in anything, you have to work hard.

To see a small seed become a sprout, a plant, and then a tree that gives fruits and flowers is so encouraging. In the same way to see your project, your kids, or a friendship blossom into something is going to be encouraging.

The garden will go through a cycle. Life has its trials and tribulations. There will be things beyond our control. Mother Nature is a formidable foe when she wishes to be. Drought, wind, insects are some of the challenges. Better to approach an uncertain world with an open mind. Stay flexible.

In the backyard, we had a big sumac tree. What was the couple thinking planting in the backyard? I found out the hard way. About 20 feet away from the tree, shoots started coming. It was destroying my grass. Sumac is an aggressive plant and can take over a garden. It took me a whole month to cut the tree and its roots. Keep aggressive, toxic, and nosy people at a distance.

I love perennials. They show up every year. Make sure you have friends like that. As Debbie battled cancer it was the loyal friends who showed up.

Annuals are planted every year. They look beautiful for a reason and for a specific season. Sometimes, we have people like that in our lives only for a short time, for a season, and for a reason.

The garden hose has many choices; focused, mist, spray. We need to encourage a million times, love a billion times, and rebuke but rarely.

Pruning is very important for the plants and at the right time. When we focus on the simple and the practical, life turns around. We embrace change and allow our lives and hearts to grow. Change is a constant factor in our lives.

Flowers and plants that grow in the desert and in a milder climate cannot be grown here. Different soils, ph. levels, weather patterns all have an impact. All our five fingers are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on those and have fun. Comparing yourself to someone else will lead to disaster. Accept the fact the world is unfair and monetize skills differently.

I do not grow fruits or vegetables. My mother-in-law grows them. Potatoes and carrots teach what you do not see matters. Pass on the glitz, glamour, volatility, and the unpredictable in your life.

The result of the garden is the choices you make. People can be flowers in your garden or weeds. Pluck the weeds to let everything grow.

You need a bunch of garden tools. Axes, carts, cords, fork, footwear, hoes, rake, spades, shovel, trellis are some of the tools to be efficient. Education along with practical sense, humility, gentleness, kindness, patience, unconditional love, and emotional intelligence goes a long way in being successful in real life and in the workplace.

We can never be experts in every field. Ask for advice read books. Learn from other people’s mistakes. Go ahead and blossom where you are planted.

These are some of the life lessons I have learned from gardening.

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I have a deep respect and admiration for a minister (evangelist, pastor, cleric, chaplain, missionary, priest, rector, preacher, Reverand). The job of a minister is tough and demanding. It can be satisfying from an intrinsic perspective. However, there are metrics to deal with. The modern-day minister has to be a CEO, CFO, COO, orator, shepherd, counselor all in one. The spotlight is always on the minister and their families. The profession is fraught with risks, temptations, challenges, difficulties, and burnout. How do you measure the transformation of the heart, the alteration of lives, and ministry effectiveness? The exercise of faith, hope, love, forgiveness, and having a healthy congregation is hard to compute. However, it is these very concepts that the minister is trying to move forward in the congregation.

I have had the privilege to interview David Adams, Senior Pastor at Stone Ridge fellowship on moving from success to significance, Joanna Lafleur from the TV show See Hear Love on communication, Jonathan Manafo from The Village Whitby on Christmas, Pastor Beth on prayer, Mark Strickland minister from the People Church on dating, Lorie Hartshorn from 700 Club Canada on faith, Chris Vacher minister on creative leadership and Gillianne Brisboise from the Church of Christ on love in action.

I am excited to interview Kevin Robbins, a senior minister from Milestone Ministries. I met Kevin more than 25 years ago when his father-in-law used to mentor me. I have always found Kevin to be a down-to-earth, humble, a great listener, and a man who loves his wife, daughters, and mother-in-law. Kevin does not let the past define him. He is focused on the future, making it a better place, creating value for other humans, and making a difference.  I had not seen him for more than a decade and then ran into him at a party. We talked in detail about getting help in different areas of life. Kevin is introspective and is always looking at how he can get better. I admire how he has pivoted his organization through the challenges of COVID-19.

Kevin is real and vulnerable in this interview. As a minister, a father, and a husband he has come out on the other side thriving. I am super encouraged by this interview and I hope you read it a couple of times and apply the golden nuggets to your life.

Kevin, an honor to have you on Four Columns. I want my audience to know a little about you?

Everyone has a launchpad in life that shapes who they are. Mine was growing up in rural northern Canada. We were a family of six that subsisted well below the poverty line. Living in a small log cabin with no water and electricity and my family was burdened by many internal and external stressors that included chronic unemployment, social marginalization, domestic disputes, alcoholism, and significant mental health issues.

This foundational stage of my life created a desire to find meaning and value for the remainder of my days and I’m blessed to be on a journey with the love of my life Lisa. We have two married daughters that have launched vibrant careers. I have become a church-planter and church-builder over the last 30 years, have lived in Los Angeles, Vancouver, Halifax, and Toronto received a Masters’s degree, become an author and motivational speaker that focuses on the best life everyone should be living.

You have been a minister for three decades. It is a tough, grueling job. What drew you to become a minister and what is your why?

Most people in church ministry will tell you that they felt “a calling” to the job and I suppose I am no different. But since that phrase is somewhat cliche, my specific answer would be to give. Early in my life, I decided the life that makes the most sense for me was to create value for others.

You have been married for three decades. I want to know the practical secrets of having a strong and vibrant marriage like yours?

Lisa and I love being married, in fact, other than our faith and the kids that came as a result of our marriage, love and our marriage is our most favorite thing in life!

In my opinion, having a strong and vibrant marriage is not hard at all. The secret is the priority. None of us need to be lectured about priorities, we all have a couple of things in life that are the most important to us proven by the amount of time, thought and effort we put into them. The hardest part of marriage is deciding if it will rank as your highest priority…if you are willing to prioritize, your commitment to each other gets a lot easier.

Before the pandemic of 2020, Lisa and I traveled and gave keynote lessons at marriage conferences around North America. When the world shut down, on the suggestion of some close friends we launched weekly episodes on YouTube called Marriage Monday. We were amazed at the hundreds and sometimes thousands of couples that joined the live stream and still do each week.

During the height of the lockdown, we wrote a book called Stay Home Marriage, How to Stay In Love Before, During and After a Global Pandemic. We kept the book short and fun, and it was a rewarding experience. We especially have enjoyed seeing how it has connected and resonated with couples around the world. The premise of the book is based on the simple idea that life, health, career, and legacy are enhanced when you make your marriage a priority. You can find out more about it and link to our videos at wildmarriage.com.

What are some of the secrets of living with three women? I live with two and sometimes or many times I have to keep my sarcastic humor to myself?

I’ve heard the urban legend that boys are easier to raise than girls because girls are too complex when they become teens. I don’t believe it, I’ve always thought “God knew what he was doing when he gave me daughters, not sons.”  For me, boys are just too loud, smelly, and end up breaking most of your most expensive stuff!

Seriously, there’s no doubt that eventually, the male and female worldviews come into conflict with one another when you live under one roof. If a man’s brain is a waffle and a woman’s brain is spaghetti (or whatever metaphor is most trendy right now) there are going to be a lot of opportunities for bumps within our interactions. Patience and communication are the lynchpins to keep everyone connected.

Lisa serves as an interpreter in our family, and she educates me as to why my very logical statements (IMO) don’t make sense to the girls, why my sarcasm isn’t actually funny but caustic to the women in the house, or why whenever I’m asked what I am feeling and I say, “I dunno, nothin’”, that is inconceivable to the women of my family!  I know my wife works equally hard explaining the intricacies of the male brain to my daughters because I often see them huddle to decipher and debrief after one of my family-famous pontifications about the way the world should be.

Fatherhood changed me forever. What did you learn from fatherhood?

I appreciate my father. I think about him often. He had a very difficult life. He suffered from severe mental health issues and when I was 13 years old, he died of suicide.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from fatherhood is that negative cycles can be broken. In fact, for the sake of my children, negative cycles must be broken. I have no patience for self-pity that manifests itself in fatherhood that pulls back from the spouse and kids only to get lost in the perpetual adolescence of work, sports, or hobbies that ultimately exclude family. To me, there are only two things more important than my children, my faith and their mother. Everything else, albeit fun, is way down the list of important.

Talk to me about how we can become better fathers, husbands, brothers, and just ethical men in our culture?

It’s my observation that every father, husband, and brother will eventually reach a crossroad moment to take a stand on principle or collapse into a character deficit. This becomes not only a defining moment personally, but it shapes your legacy impact on all who are connected to you. I think being a principled person is how to become “better”.

Most claim to have bed-rock principles, but few live it out. It is ironic that adults usually think the height of peer pressure happened in their teen years, but we all know it’s alive and thriving now…among C-suite corporates, marketing, sales, laborer’s and even in those of the church-attending crowd.  Worry about status, standing, and what others think and say about us will eventually gut our ethics and we soon find we’re moving the goalposts of what is and is not integrity.

Admittedly, taking a stand on principle can lead to a lonely place. It may result in devastating disappointment when even those you have considered allies and friends turn from you or worse, on you. I’ve seen many men decide it’s too much of a price to pay, but if you’re asking how you as a solitary participant in this life can exact ethical change, this is how you do it; demand integrity over the illusion of popularity.

I have a sticky note at my desk that I read often, “One of the truest test of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.” – Chinua Achebe

Faith is very important to you. Talk to me about the practical aspects of your faith. How can we use unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness in this world that is hurting?

Yes, faith is very important to me. I consider it first among my top three priorities of life. I’ve devoted my life in pursuit of understanding who God is and equally complex, who I am supposed to be (still working on that concept!). It has not always made for an easy journey, but faith continues to be my most treasured possession.

You mentioned love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness, I call these the Big 7. As humans, we are undeniably drawn to this list and we search for a safe place where we will be treated with such generosity. But offering the Big 7 consistently to others around us is usually quite difficult.

The word gospel in Greek is euangelion and it means simply “good news”. I believe this good news is summed up in the Big 7. At any given time there seems to be so much in this world that is out of control or getting worse, we can barely understand it all and we certainly can’t control it all, but at the very least, we can choose to drop in any of the Big 7 and good news makes an impact to any hurting place in this world.

I hear of some of my contemporary ministers deriding society, crying for the morality of days gone by and adding to theories that lend themselves to conspiracy. I don’t see it the same way. It is a historical fact that the euangelion always endures in every changing season. If things get dark, the good news will be light. When life becomes sorrowful, the good news will offer joy. When regret rules the day, the good news gives a new start.

The good news of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness, peace, patience, and gentleness always win the day. It may take a while…but always wins. The only question is, will I give the Big 7 away to others?

Walk me through a typical day as a minister and what are the modern challenges that a minister faces today?

The typical day of a minister is atypical. My congregation has over a thousand active members, so it is not unusual for my day to begin with concise plans and appointments that suffer a slow death by way of interruption. I don’t say that with any resentment, it is just that anyone who wants to operate successfully in the business of people needs patience and a desire to bring value to others often over structured goals.

That said, a typical day usually begins early with reading, study, and prayer followed by connecting with those in the community who are in need. The business hours of the day often hold preparation for sermon series, lessons, and teaching classes, training interns, and mentoring younger ministers and staff. There is an administration team to attend to, worship teams, digital teams, and social media teams. The later part of the day usually allows the opportunity to meet with those requesting life direction and counseling. Of course, there is always the rhythm of church meetings like Sunday services, midweek meetings, weekly small group gatherings, board of directors meetings, elders and deacon meetings and the list goes on. Most days are physically and emotionally taxing, but I enjoy them. I have a dear uncle who every time he sees me is compelled to tell the same tongue-in-cheek joke, “Ministers have the best job in the world because they only work one hour a week on Sunday morning.” I politely laugh each time he says it, but I can assure you, it’s far from an accurate characterization.

In 2020 churches, like every other organization, have leaped into the digital world. Because of COVID-19, there was no “learning curve”, it was more like a “learning rock wall” …straight up and a lot of bruises when you fall! Most ministers I know are exhausted after more than a year trying to find, listen, help, encourage, laugh and cry with their members. Measurements for success in a church are arbitrary metrics, at least difficult to define on an excel spreadsheet.

No one knows for sure what “church” will look like on the other side of the pandemic, but I’m certain it will be different. Between you and me, I think that’s kind of exciting and I look forward to it!

Let’s talk food. What are some of your favorite haunts in Toronto?

I live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world and it offers a gastronomic celebration everyday…if you’re adventurous enough! Honestly, because I live in Toronto it feels like my favorite restaurant haunt changes weekly, but right now it is Drupatis, offering West Indian fare and my personal favorites are called Doubles, small pastry pockets filled with a chickpea filling. Way better than it sounds. You gotta try it!

2020 was a brutal year for me. There are many who are reading this who are hurting. As a minister talk to me about hope, persevering, overcoming evil with good, and staying focused?

There is no denying that 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have been difficult for everyone. The truth is, we don’t even know the entire story yet. I’m sure over the next decade researchers will give us statistics that reveal the massive challenges we all endured in the economy, education, politics, mental health, marriage, parenting, and our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Not to mention that we are literally living out an experiment in real-time regarding the impact of social media and screen-time usage. We are present-day over-comers if we know it or not.

This last year forced Lisa and me to deeply examine how we evaluate the world around us. It was getting too easy to become discouraged, despondent, cynical, and hopeless. So, we asked ourselves why and then we wrote the first chapter of our book and gave it the title “Porch Pirates and Other Thieves”. In short, it is an exploration of the importance of radical optimism and refusing to let life’s outward circumstances steal from the life you can be living.

Among the most encouraging ideas is that you play a role in changing the way you think, in fact, you must. It’s not just embracing a disconnected pollyanna view of your life or white-knuckling your way through the difficult times, but it is literally rewiring your brain through neuroplasticity.  Every single thought, whether positive or negative makes a lasting connection, so why not make the thoughts good?

As a minister I love the way our society’s ground-breaking brain research is matching some ancient Biblical advice, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

Whatever you do, never forget there’s a lot of good around you. Think about it.

The post Kevin Robbins: Minister Focusing on Radical Optimism appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Everything happens for a reason

I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.

My prayers have been answered.

It was the summer of 98. I was madly in love with three girls (so I thought).

In other words, one was in Paris. The other two were in Montreal and Calgary.

As a result, I had flown to Paris for two weeks to see where I stood. I made two trips to Montreal. The girl in Calgary I had loved for more than a decade.

The much-dreaded letter came from Paris. All written in French. She was not sure where she stood. Strike one. Two more to go. The response from Montreal was she was not sure. Strike two.

In conclusion, the Calgary one was it. I mean she was half-Indian. In addition, the other half was the bohemian Hungarian. We would be a couple. She came to Toronto for Christmas. We spent some time. I met her family. I finally told her. She knew I had loved her for nearly a decade. She dated two friends of mine. She left for Calgary with the intention of packing up and moving back to Toronto.

About two days later, I got a call at midnight. She had spoken to a friend who was a friend of an old ex and did not think it was a good idea.

Dead in the water. Back to square one.  Almighty, so you are trying to teach me something. Half of my life I have spent in the oven. Come on… I need a break.

Lo and behold, I meet Debbie in 99. We were friends. I teased her a lot. Even I tried to set her up with someone.

Someone asked me if I would be open to her.

I mean I am brown. She is white. Boring white. Throw some Latina names around. Give me someone who I can romance. It is supposed to be like in the movies.

Jerry. You do not get it. The girl is right under you. All your life you are chasing trophy women.

OK, OK, OK, OK. One date. One date and that is it. I will try one date and get it done with it. That first date happened in Jan 2000.

A quick Swiss Chalet lunch. In addition, it will all be over. I even wanted to cancel it. One of her friends said she was looking forward to it.

On a cold January Sunday. We went to the Swiss Chalet on Finch, opposite the Humbold Centre. I made some small talk. Cracked some dumb jokes. I dropped her home.

Her friend called and said how it went. Whatever, no feelings on my side. By the way, do you know any Latina girls? Jerry, she loved the date. She loved how you opened the doors for her. She loved how you paid attention to her.

My jaws dropped. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just chasing the wrong women. Our next date was for Valentine’s Day. A little risky move. Let me take a nice Hamilton girl to a Pakistani restaurant. A small dinghy greasy place. Surely, she will know. Who takes someone for Valentine’s Day to a greasy Pakistani restaurant? Me of course. I am trying to send the message…not interested.

It was one of the best dates. We laughed. She just loved the food.

Debbie worked opposite me at a law firm. We got along. She laughed at my dumb jokes. She appreciated me. All my pedigree meant nothing to her. She just cared for me. She just put up with my private school, only kid, arrogant attitude.

We were opposites in everything. Opposites do attract.

One date led to another and in the summer of 2000, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Therefore, sparks need to happen. Heaven needs to separate. I was giving myself 6 months. The more I spent time with her; the more I realized this woman loved me unconditionally. In addition, there were no pretensions around her.

I called her on Christmas day. Her sister Dawn answered. This is Jerry on the other side. Your brother in law. Well, Dawn, Debbie is it. I just need to ask your dad’s permission.

In February of 2001, I took her parents to see the Wedding Planner. We had a good time. I called Doug later that week and asked him if I could marry his daughter.

Plans were to get a ring and do something extraordinary.

On the last Saturday of March, we drove to the Prince of Wales restaurant in Niagara on the Lake. After lunch, we went on a tour of Niagara in a helicopter. The pilot was told to just shut up and just let us talk. Thousands of feet above the falls, I posed the question. She said yes.

We came back to Toronto. Both of our families and her friends were waiting for dinner.

In September of 2001, we got married. We went to Portugal, Spain, and Morocco for our honeymoon.

Debbie has taught me gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. She has taught me to see the pleasure in simple things. She has made me humble, gentle, patient, and not let the small things bother me.

Jean our 22 year old daughter makes us a complete family.

I look forward to being married for the next 100 years.

The post Everything Happens For a Reason appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The first week of 2021 has passed. The thought that crossed my mind was the lack of respect and civility in our society. At school, it was important to say please and thank you. It was important to treat our fellow students with kindness and respect. It was even more important when we did not agree on an issue.

As I look at the news, Facebook, and Twitter feed, all I see are people filled with anger, resentment, venom, and cavil about anything and everything.

I have left so many Whatsapp groups because it is filled with differences in religious beliefs, political and cultural differences.

I think maybe I am naïve, dovelike, or jejune. The state of the economy, unemployment, COVID-19, the elections have brought the tension to a boiling point.

Last year, I unfollowed all my friends who spewed hatred or anger all the time. It was one of the best things I did. It helped my sanity, peace of mind, and health. If I do not like what someone says on social media, I just move on.

I love the discussions. If it filled with respect. We can and should discuss our opinions without derision or contempt.

The truth needs to be spoken with love, grace, humility, and without ego.

Kindness is one of the most underrated qualities. A person who is affable, affectionate, amiable, attentive, friendly, considerate, and generous is considered kind. Compassionate, discreet, magnanimous, polite, unselfish, tolerant, and honest are words that are associated with kindness. To be kind to someone requires grit, determination, and strength. Kindness is an interpersonal soft skill.

Kindness is needed in 2021. Humans were born to connect and care for one another. To have sympathy and care for others is in our DNA. Research shows that those who volunteer, care for others, and give to charity are happier than those who are selfish and self-focused.

Alexandra is passionate about the way that ideas and storytelling can change people’s lives. She is an award-winning writer based in Indianapolis, currently working on a book on civility and American civic renewal. She is the curator of Civic Renaissance, a newsletter and intellectual community dedicated to moral and cultural renewal.

She earned her Master’s degree in Public Policy at the London School of Economics as a Rotary Scholar and has served at the local, state, and federal levels of government and policy—including a recent appointment at the U.S. Department of Education. She was awarded a 2019 Novak Fellowship for her original reporting and analysis on civility, public discourse, and civil society in America.

Now a full-time journalist and writer, Alexandra is an in-demand speaker and commentator, appearing frequently on local, national, and international television outlets such as CBS, Fox News, and others. She is a regular contributor to USA Today and also writes for The Wall Street Journal, TIME Magazine, POLITICO Magazine, Newsweek, and other national outlets.

I talk to Alexandra about her book and kindness.

Alexandra, a privilege to have you on board. I want to know something unique about you?

Thanks for having me!

Hmmm. Unique. Well, I’ve trained with the most famous and best pizzaiolo in the world. In Naples, Italy in the summer of 2018, I met him at a restaurant I was writing at one rainy day, and eagerly accepted a chance to learn how to make and throw pizza dough—and how to dress it the authentic and only appropriate way: tomato sauce, mozzarella, and basil! Drizzled with ample extra virgin olive oil, of course. A fun memory and skill to add to my resume!

I am a big fan of being gentle and kind to people. You are writing a full book on how to be civil in the political arena. Talk to me about it?

After a rather dispiriting stint in the federal government, I left disillusioned by the broken state of our public discourse and the lack of fundamental respect for our fellow citizens and persons—especially those we differed with. I both witnessed and endured some of that animosity first hand.

After I left government in January 2018, I dedicated myself full time to these important questions: What does it mean to be a human being? What is the bare minimum of respect we are owed, and owe to others, in light of our human dignity? What does that look like in practice today, especially when it comes to those we disagree with?

These questions have only become timelier, and they are the lens through which I approach my writing and work on civility. It’s about our shared humanity and the basic decency and respect we owe to others—which is necessary for both our institutions of civil society and democracy, as well as our personal flourishing.

Your mom is an expert on manners and has written many books. How was it being raised? Did you have to be prim and proper from the morning till evening and how did it shape you?

I have the best mother in the world! She’s called Judi the Manners Lady, and yes, she’s been in the manners business for nearly as long as I’ve been alive.

But she doesn’t just teach kindness and courtesy. She lives it. She is the most genuinely caring, thoughtful, and selfless person I’ve ever encountered. I think that is what gives someone credibility to talk about why things like manners and kindness are important: they embody those moral ideals of sacrifice and kindness themselves. I couldn’t have had a better role model growing up for what true civility was: utter self-forgetfulness, hospitality to the stranger, and fundamental joy for life, community, and relationship with others.

My mother embodied the spirit of civility—and she always knew that taking a social risk for the sake of friendship or relationship mattered more than blind conformity with social norms. She was—and still is! —always willing to be the first to strike up a conversation, say hello, or greet someone with a warm smile.

My mother’s work in manners, and her powerful example, ensured my early and lifelong interest in exploring the timeless principles of civility that contribute to strong relationships and human flourishing. It sparked my curiosity about the way that our habits and norms of social engagement can either promote or harm human community. It made me want to understand why we do things the way we do them, why some norms of social engagement have changed across culture and time, and why others seem to be constant.

For example, the norm of taking your shoes off in someone’s home is present in some parts of the world—such as Japan or Canada, but is not a widely accepted norm in America. While this norm is not constant across different culture, it has roots in concerns that are constant, such as concern for hygiene and also respect for the preferences of the host.

Norms are like the air we breathe—we rarely pause to reflect on them, and usually don’t even realize they exist until they are broken, and some expectation in social interaction is not met. My mother’s constant attentiveness to the needs of others and the norms of social engagement probably made me both aware of, and interested in, these ideas more than most people. I’m so grateful to her for that and so many other things.

I find writing cathartic. You are a master of the media. What drew you to it?

I haven’t always enjoyed writing! But I’ve always loved ideas, and when I realized that writing was an important and powerful way of getting ideas in front of people, I threw myself into being the best that I could be at the craft.

I love the creative process. The struggle to create and bring forth a new idea from the higher, more sophisticated part of our mind and soul—as opposed to staying at the level of fleshly, temporal pleasures—is always rewarding. It’s a uniquely human process, and also one that helps us fully develop and realize our humanity. It’s a beautiful thing, and I like to remind people that the creative process is something that we can all enjoy and partake in.

You appear on CBS News, Fox and write for USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, TIME, POLITICO, and Newsweek. I want to know what is different about you as a journalist? What is your competitive advantage? What do you bring to the table that others do not?

In some ways, we’re in a golden age of journalism: anyone with a smartphone and internet access can observe the world around them, tweet about it, and suddenly create a ripple effect of news coverage. Social media has changed the way that the large newspapers and television networks report on the news because they’re no longer the gatekeepers that get to decide what is newsworthy and what is not. What’s newsworthy is far more crowdsourced—a tweet or video reaches a million people in a matter of hours, and that’s newsworthy.

But this democratization of our news media—both from the journalist side of things, and the consumer side of things—is a double-edged sword. It’s great that we have more information available to us, and it’s great that anyone can be a reporter journalist if they want to. These freedoms are good. The downside is the way in which the virality of information can be weaponized and serve to further reveal and solidity pre-existing deep social, cultural, and political divisions.

What makes me different is that I care deeply about my work serving as a tool of social and cultural healing—not further division. My aim is for my work to break this vicious cycle of the way our media and information diet seems to perpetuate divisions instead of healing them—it seems that many journalists today care more about the virality of their work than the impact of it. This goal informs everything from the types of issues and stories I write about—stories of hope, uplift, and solutions— to the tone with which I write them—tempered, elevated. This approach can also be limiting, though, because there is such an appetite for information that inflames and confirms people’s preexisting opinions. But this is the approach I’ve chosen to take, and the one I am committed to.

I am sure you lead a hectic life. Talk to me about your self-care routine concerning taking care of your health, food, going to the gym, and staying in shape?

I try to take a holistic approach to self-care. Mind, body, soul.

First, the mind. The intellectual life is incredibly important to me. I am insatiably curious, and constantly reading, learning, and growing in my understanding of the world around me. Learning a new subject matter is like breathing to me. When I’m feeling discouraged, stagnant, or stuck, it’s usually because I haven’t been learning anything new, and usually, the resolution is to become inspired by reading something new and gleaning a new insight. Exercising our intellect is an essential part of being human.

Second, the body. I adore my routine at the gym—which involves high interval training cardio and some strength training—and my particular luxury is the dry sauna. I take a page from the Scandinavian handbook for health and self-care, and really enjoy the hot-cold therapy: spend 15 minutes in the sauna, followed by immersion in ice-cold water, and then repeat. It’s invigorating, refreshing, and amazing. One of my favorite things to do is to stretch in the sauna while listening to a lecture on philosophy or some new subject—combining care of the mind with care of the body.

For meals, I love the art of cooking and enjoy preparing good quality food that is not only enjoyable to eat, but also beautiful to look at. The presentation goes a long way to the overall enjoyment of a meal! This is especially true during the pandemic, where meals are often the one constant in our day and are something to look forward to. I tend to be low carb, high protein, and high in healthy fats, and enjoy a lot of Mediterranean cuisines and recipes— from ratatouille to carpaccio, from ragù to steak tartare.

Third, the soul. My ideal morning involves getting up early, around 4:30 or 5 am, and begin the day with reflective solitude. The stillness of the early morning is powerful and transcendent. I’ll do a devotional, I’ll journal, and I’ll read. I’ll re-affirm my values and priorities before the day begins. I do prefer this to waking up and immediately being bombarded by shrieking headlines and emails that require action. To me, this chaos for the soul. My joy, resilience, and productivity are astronomically higher when I start the day early and in stillness. Yet—amazingly—it’s still difficult for me to do with perfect consistency!

Some mornings, I’m tired and can’t resist the snooze button. Or I’ll wake up and go right for my email instead of being disciplined and doing a devotional first. I think that the fact that we don’t do things that we know are good for us—or, conversely, we consistently do things that are bad for us, despite knowing they are—says something powerful about the plague of human forgetfulness!

In the last 500 years, we have had some interesting personalities. Any come to mind who you want to interview or write a cover story about?

I love this question. You’re right, there are so many people amazing people in history that have accomplished things and lived lives and had insights into the human condition that can instruct us and help us today! My dream, actually, is to write popular biographies about the great men and women from our past that we’ve forgotten as a culture, but whose lives deserve to be revived, and studied for the lessons that they can offer us in our current moment.

One that comes to mind is Blaise Pascal. He was a brilliant French anti-enlightenment thinker, and inventor, and a theologian. He actually invented an early vacuum, the first omnibus system in Paris, the calculator, and many, many other amazing innovations. He anticipated many of the challenges of modernity to the human psyche—such as anxiety, despair, ennui, and restlessness—and reading him today is a breath of fresh air. He’s also famous for “Pascal’s wager,” written in his Pensées, about the reason to believe in God: if you win [and believe in God], you win all. If you lose, and don’t believe in God] you lose all. 

And he has so many incredibly penetrating insights quotes. “We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.” “All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.” “Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical.”

There is not a popular biography on this incredible man who so helped shaped our modern world, and who has so much to offer us today. I’d love to write it one day!

What does women’s empowerment mean to you?

Women’s empowerment is self-determination: the freedom to self-cultivate and becomes who we want to be. It means practicing discipline, self-denial, and aiming to promote proportionately and virtue in the soul. I don’t believe there are “male” and “female” virtues. There is just virtue and vice. Men and women are equally capable of cultivating virtues such as courage, prudence, justice or temperance, and just as easy to fall prey to the vices of cowardice, gluttony, selfishness or sloth.

True empowerment means the freedom to become the best version of ourselves—but also the ability to suffer the consequences of our own mistakes, and hopefully, learn from them to the end of greater self-awareness and self-improvement.

My daughter is 16 and wants to become a journalist. Give her some advice?

The key to being a good writer is to be a voracious reader. Read good writing constantly—of all genres and eras. The Economist is fabulous for good writing that allows you to keep up with global affairs, for example, but also read good stylists such as Oscar Wilde, Lewis Carroll, or G.K. Chesterton. Reading good writing helps you find your own voice. It expands your vocabulary to allow you to better communicate and put words into your own thoughts and ideas.

Also, it goes without saying, practice! Write as often as you can, publicly and privately. Journal. Introspection and self-awareness are key to being a powerful writer. Write for your school newspaper. Stay informed about local affairs and write a letter to an editor. Build a portfolio that can help you land an internship.

Most importantly, write because you love to write. I love Steven Pressfield’s insight in his famous book on the battle that wages in every creative soul, entitled The War of Art: define yourself territorially, not hierarchically. Don’t define your own success based on the success of those around you. Be the best writer that you can be, and be satisfied with that. Create for the love of the craft.

The post Importance of Kindness and Respect appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I am in my 25th year of marriage. I am reminded of Michelle Obama, who said that “Our greatness comes when we appreciate each other’s strengths, when we learn from each other, when we lean on each other”. I make mistakes all the time in my marriage. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery reminds us that “One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, love your spouse, treat her with respect, give her a big hug, and appreciate that she is different from you.

Appreciate your partner

I am having dinner with Debbie, Brian, and Sarah two weeks before my wedding.

Brian was the minister who was going to marry me. This was an opportune time to pick his brain.

Brian was a decade older. We did not have much in common. We had our disagreements. He was married for a while. I did respect him because he had a great marriage. He adored his wife.

Brian, what is the secret to a great marriage? I was expecting the following answers:

– Go to the e-harmony website and look at the 29 characteristics to have to be successful
– Pray together
– Spend quality time together
– Do not go to bed angry
– Keep the fights clean and the s.. dirty
– Be sensitive to her
– Just humble out and say you are sorry
– Build a triangle with God being the third

All of the above were great points. However, he surprised me with “enjoy each other’s difference”.

To be honest with you, I did not take what he was saying seriously. I was focusing more on the wine and the steak. I was excited about the wedding. 

After the honeymoon phase, things were becoming clearer. I was type A, Debbie was type Z negative. I was a hardcore disciplined individual. Debbie thought that word was Latin. I made 3 months 1 year and 5-year plans, Debbie flew by the seat of her pants. I was outgoing and carried my heart on my sleeve, Debbie was the stiff upper lip Scottish.

She forgave easily. I did not know how to spell forgiveness. I did not have patience, she had all the time in the world. I was prideful and full of myself. She was humble, down to earth with no pretensions. The big one. I was born in a home surrounded by about 10 women. Debbie was raised by her dad. She brought the toolbox into the wedding. I was brand conscious; she did not know the difference between a Toyota and a Mercedes let alone between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild and a Chilean Red. Enjoy each other’s differences, I said to myself. Easier said than done.

It finally hit me what Brian said. Did he give this advice to every couple who asked? He probably knew both our temperaments. No matter what it was wisdom?

It made me look at life differently.

Rather than seeing Debbie’s shortcomings, I just appreciate that she is different. It makes me understand why we are in each other’s life. Opposites attract. Marrying someone unlike you is exciting and challenging. Marrying a clone is boring. It also helped me to appreciate my own past and why I react the way I do.
The home does not have to be pristine clean every time. We do not have to be perfect. It also helped me get off the performance-driven treadmill.

It has helped me in my friendships. I do not get upset or angry just because someone disagrees with me. I am glad someone has another angle. It is ok to be friends with a tree hugger or a left-wing hawk. I need to have compassion for that 40-year-old legalist, who has never had a job, lives at home but sends me countless emails inviting me to all these life-changing events. It is his way of doing things. 

It has helped me in my business decisions. Being emotionally intelligent help, you make rational decisions. I might look at a business from a pure momentum play. Another has a bottom’s up approach. Alternatively, someone has a top-bottom way of doing research.

It has helped me deal with other Christian denominations. It has made me accepting, less judgmental, finding common ground and looking at the heart rather than playing church Olympics.

A friend recently remarked that he has known me for the last 30 years and this is the happiest I have ever been. Another remarked I am balanced.

I am sure it has to do with me getting older, wiser, married and being a father. A big portion of it is “enjoy each others difference”.

The post Appreciate Each Others Differences appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented – Sonja Lyubomirsky

Prologue

On a cold day in January 2016, I am flying to London, UK, to get trained for two weeks for a dream job. The same year, one of my closest friends, Bill McLean, died of cancer. I was like 2017 better be good. In November 2017, a high school classmate died of a heart attack. In February 2018, I was talking to one of my closest friends from university, and that same night, he passed away. His death hit me hard. It took me a good six months to recover. 2019 was going well. I had great plans for 2020. In one week in December 2019, I was laid off from a start-up, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, and my mom’s health was deteriorating. In March 2020, the day I was going to get a job offer, the COVID quarantine hit. Talk about a perfect storm.

My parents, friends, and work colleagues were all commenting on how well I was handling the storm.

Do you want an abundance of physical, mental, and social bliss? How about feeling optimistic, happy, and connected even during challenging times? I am sure you want better sleep, self-esteem, high energy, a stronger immune system, better emotional intelligence, and to build a capacity to forgive.

I have the answer. It is gratitude.

What is Gratitude

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation – Brian Tracy

The Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. It is derived from the Latin word gratia which stands for gratefulness, grace, or graciousness. When a human being receives something whether tangible or intangible and shows a thankful appreciation, it is gratitude. The person focuses on the positive in their life. Positive thinking helps the person to connect with something bigger than them, to other people, nature, and God.

Thesaurus has a few synonyms for gratitude and a whole subset of words and meaning attached to it. The synonyms are thankfulness, gratefulness, tribute, acknowledgment, appreciation, benediction, and recognition for the good in their life.

Gratitude and forgiveness have been my two biggest weaknesses. I have written extensively in this blog about it. It was only after marriage that Debbie has taught me about these two amazing qualities.

Modern Psychology and Gratitude

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Martin Seligman a famous psychologist did something very revolutionary more than three decades ago. Until that time psychologists focused on negative emotions like stress, addiction, trauma, and mental illness. Seligman looked at altruism, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, optimism, and gratitude.

Robert Emmons is the world’s leading expert on gratitude. His research has shown that expressing gratitude has a positive impact on human beings by improving their mental, physical, and relational well-being, and the effect lasts long.

Randy Kamen another psychologist talks about focusing on what you have rather than what is lacking in your life. The goal is to retrain the brain and to see the positive.

Gratitude was always part of the philosophical and religious domain in academia. So, it is interesting to see Psychologists getting interested in this area.

The benefits of An Attitude of Gratitude

I’ve had a remarkable life. I seem to be in such good places at the right time. You know, if you were to ask me to sum my life up in one word, gratitude – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

An attitude of gratitude is a choice, a habit that has to be developed and strengthened daily to gain the benefits. Gratitude detaches us and redeems us from negative feelings and toxic emotions. Gratitude leads to joy. Gratitude has a positive influence on the brain that is long-lasting. Gratitude improves relationships and problem-solving skills. Gratitude makes us better learners. It may seem contrived in the beginning but trust me as time passes you will notice a big difference.

The Journal of Applied Sport Psychology in a study in 2014 stated that gratitude improves self-esteem. Personality and Individual Differences published a study in 2012 that found that gratitude improves physical health. In the same year, the University of Kentucky’s research on gratitude found it improves empathy and reduces aggression. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in a 2003 study concluded that gratitude helped people in building resilience after 9/11.

How to develop an attitude of gratitude

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer

Keep a Journal

In 2011, research published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being found that writing a gratitude journal improves sleep. I have found this has helped me tremendously. I have a personal gratitude journal. It is easy for me to focus on friends that I have lost, setbacks in my career, career moves I should have made. I do not stress on coming up with things or making up stuff.  By keeping a gratitude journal, my mental health is better as I am not focusing on envy or resentment but focusing on the positive in my life and how blessed it is.

However, I am focusing on:

I still have an amazing set of friends from grade 8, high school, university, and the business world. There are a few in Toronto that I have been doing breakfast or lunch once a month for the last 25 years

I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes, money in the bank and two cars outside

Grateful for OHIP (free medical care in Ontario)

I am in good health

I have a job working from home

Living in one of the best cities in the best country in the world

People who we do not know cooking food for us

People driving Debbie to her appointments

Debbie and Jean love me unconditionally

I am one of the few people I know that have both their parents alive

As you focus on the positive, you are more joyful. I even tell Debbie, what if cancer happened a decade back? She was running a daycare and Jean was only 6. I have never created a fake sense of blessedness. I focus on counting all the blessings I have.

Say and write thank you often

Today I wrote a note of thanks to all the people who are delivering meals to us. I thank fellow bloggers for following me or inspiring me. As you show your appreciation you just get this great feeling. You are also nurturing your own relationship with the other person. Let them know how they impact your life. I also want to challenge you to write a thank you letter to yourself.

Practice breathing

I am horrible at meditation. One of the things I do is just sit and breathe. It calms me down. As I breathe I just focus on all the positive things that are happening in my life. As I am practicing gratitude I am also training my brain to focus on the positive aspect of life. As I breathe, I am also focusing on the positive that is going around me. The brain is calm. The positive affirmations are entering your subconscious mind.

Pray

I do this often and often go for long walks just to contemplate.

How to deal with challenges that stop you from being grateful

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul — Rabbi Harold Kushner

We all have a critical inner voice. That negative inner voice has to be silenced. If it is not silenced it can play havoc with us feeling grateful. If you listen to the inner voice you can become bitter and resentful and not allow any love or compassion to creep in.

I want to show an example of listening to the critical inner voice versus embracing gratitude.

I have planned a golf outing with a friend of mine for Sunday afternoon. I am looking forward to it and as the day approaches it is raining heavily. I freak out. I get worked up and emotional that the day is ruined. I take it personally and start blaming the weather for my mood. I take out my frustration with my wife. My perception was that the rain messed up my weekend. My negative thought patterns which started in my critical inner voice have now been blown out of proportion. It has a negative influence on my wife and daughter.

My friend, on the other hand, was also looking forward to playing golf. He accepted the rain and surrendered. He called me and told me that he will focus on cleaning the house and then cook for his wife. He also thinks the grass does not have to be watered. My friend made a conscious and intentional decision to make the best out of the situation. At the end of the day, it is all about perception. My friend surrendered with humility.

Epilogue

The last few months have been hectic. I was going to work then rushing back, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. The truth was I was burning out. All my life from a young age I have been a volunteer. Even at the new job, I was driving people. Someone approached me at the office and said ‘Jerry, this is the time for you to be selfish. COVID-19 is happening and your wife’s immune system is compromised. You do not have to drive anyone’.

Someone challenged me to ask for help. I hate asking for help. The person reminded me that I am stopping other people from getting blessed. It was my pride and being a control freak that did not want to ask for help. And then due to high winds, my fence came down.

As a result of that conversation, I pleaded for help. I just explained what was going on in our lives. Carolyn Gerber who was bringing us meals for the last couple of weeks made a meal train, and the love, support and offers just poured in.

On Monday, after I was looking at the damage the wind had done and was stepping out, I see a van parked in front of my house. I see some young kids in the back of the car and the mother offers me food. Her name is Devon Dienesch. I am blown away. We have a quick chat and we have a few common acquaintances and I take the food inside. Debbie shows me the note with the food. Later that night I read the note and I just started crying. Here was this encouraging note from an innocent child.

I have a choice to focus on the fence and all the other challenges I am facing or seeing the goodness in all these people who are going out of their way and serving us.

I was then reminded of the time in grade 11 and 12 for early morning service at Bishop Cotton School, reading in front of 300 boys, Philippians 4:6: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

I remembered Arun Sachdev a heart surgeon visiting from Thailand and as Vipul Goel was driving us to Niagara, Arun started quoting Psalm 7:17: I will thank the Lord because he is just; I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High. I am like you still remember those scriptures and you are Hindu, dude.

No matter what comes my way, I will be grateful. I know many of you are going through challenges. It is not going to be easy. Be grateful.

Photo Credits: Brooke Cagle Gian Cescon Erriko Boccia Gabrielle Henderson Priscilla Du Preez  AndriyKo Podilnyk

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