The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

The post Ten Skills Required to be a Successful Husband appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The life of a pastor’s wife is not easy. There is this expectation that she has to be perfect, together, perfect family, perfect marriage, perfect children. Unrealistic expectations can freeze someone.

The next time you run into the wife of a pastor, minister, or evangelist, remember she is human, fragile, broken, and hurting. She knows she is being watched. She can also be lonely. Reach out to her and give her a big hug and just love her.

The role of the pastor’s wife has changed as time has passed. It is not about just playing the piano on Sundays or making sure the coffee meetings are taken care of. They are modern managers who have to multitask and meet the demands of the congregation. They are the quarterback of the team.

I catch up with Carrie Pankratz, who blogs about being the wife of a minister. She is real, vulnerable, and funny. This interview is a tribute to all the women all over the world who serve as the wives of a pastor, minister, or evangelist. My hats off to you.

Carrie, I have never interviewed a pastor’s wife. So, let’s get real and talk. I want to know something important about you?

Thank you so much for taking the time to get to know me.

Growing up, I had always wanted to be a wife and a mom. I got married just before I turned 27, which was pretty old in my circle of friends. Before I got married, I worked with children with disabilities, worked at a preschool, and served as a youth worker in my church. I loved pouring into the lives of others.

I have now been married for 17 years to my best friend, who happens to be a pastor. It’s funny that the qualities that made me fall in love with him are also the same qualities that sometimes make me frustrated now. He is the most selfless and generous person I know. When we were dating, friends would always come to him for help. He would drop everything to go work on someone’s car or help them move. That was extremely attractive to me. I love his servant’s heart. But now, in my selfishness, I am sometimes jealous of his time. I have my moments where I don’t want to share him.

He wasn’t planning on becoming a pastor. He was attending a very academic Seminary to get his Ph.D. and teach Christianity at a secular university. I thought I was going to be a professor’s wife. God changed his heart one day when a woman at a nursing home said these words to him.  “If Christians knew how lonely we were, they would come to visit us more often,” That one sentence broke his heart and changed the direction of our life.

God calls us to care for the widow and the orphan. This woman was a widow, and she was also blind. God brought her into our lives to help us see. She reminded us of what is essential. That was when my husband knew that his calling was to be a pastor; to care for the poor, help the needy, and ultimately introduce people to Jesus.

In our first five years of marriage, he was an associate pastor at a pretty large church. There were not many expectations placed on me, which was good because I was trying to figure out how to be a wife. My parents divorced when I was ten, and I didn’t have a great example of what a healthy marriage looked like at the time. Both of my parents eventually remarried, but I wasn’t super receptive to the new relationships in my teenage years.  In adulthood, I have come to treasure the relationships I have with my step-parents.

How has the role of the wife of a pastor changed over the years?

I became a Christian at twenty-one and had a wonderful pastor’s wife befriend me and mentor me. She is everything I imagined the stereotypical pastor’s wife should be. She was quiet, gentle, dressed very modestly, and involved in many church areas. I never heard her complain. She seemed like the perfect Proverbs 31 woman.  I was pretty naive back then and am sure she would laugh at me describing her that way, but she was lovely. She seemed to have it all together. I think that used to be the expectation of a pastor’s wife, and to some extent, it still is. A pastor’s wife should have it all together in both their faith and in their family. I definitely don’t.

People have unrealistic expectations of the pastor and his wife. No pressure.. talk to me about that and how you deal with it?

Well, this is a tricky one. I have been very blessed to serve a congregation that allows me to be myself, yet I still feel the expectations I described above. Honestly, I think I may put them on myself.

I often feel like I do not measure up to the role of the pastor’s wife. I’m not a perfect wife or mother. The number of mistakes I make is laughable. I don’t always dress beautifully, nor do I play the piano. (I don’t know why, but I feel like pastor’s wives should be able to do that) If I could live in yoga pants, I would. Sometimes it takes everything to get me up and ready for church in jeans and a hoodie. I get frustrated with people and feel resentment at times. I am incredibly aware of my sinfulness. I would love to be that Proverbs 31 woman, but God is still working in me.

I sometimes struggle to find where I, Carrie, fit in the church since I spend so much time filling in gaps that need filling. My husband has an evident calling of pastor and teacher. My role continues to change. I think I have served in just about every ministry of the church. I do it because I want to help, and I love the people in this church like family. Sometimes, just like with family, this causes resentment when I feel like I’m doing all the work. Like Mary and Martha in the bible, I can fall into the trap of focusing on the serving and forgetting to sit at Jesus’ feet and enjoy Him. The minute I take my eyes off of Jesus and His plans for His church, I make myself miserable.

At times I have felt judged because I am not at every event or if my kids are running around the church. I have two extremely active and energetic boys who have grown up with our church as a second home. I have tried my best to help them love the time we spend there. When nobody is there, it turns into their playground. They are making great memories, but not everyone is okay with that. I am not a perfect mother.

It has helped that I have friends who are also the pastor’s wives and feel the same. These are women that I adore and are there for me. They are not perfect either, but they are there for support and encouragement. I want to be that for others as well. Any pastor’s wives out there who may be struggling, please reach out. I’d love to encourage you.

How has motherhood and marriage changed you? I mean you are married to the perfect guy…

Marriage has changed me in so many ways. It has helped me realize how selfish and scheduled I was. It’s funny. I thought I was really easy going and flexible. It turns out that I was only that way when I was in complete control over what I was doing. Throw another person in the mix and I’m a mess. Marriage also helped me understand a different kind of love. My husband knows me better than any other human at this point. He sees me at my best and at my worst. It is in those moments of my worst when he shows me grace after I’ve been a complete jerk, that I truly understand love. It feels safe.  It’s a much smaller version of what we see in God’s love, only God knows the ugliness of my heart and still loves and accepts me. I also feel like I am better with him. He pushes me to become the best version of myself… just by how he lives his life. He’s not perfect, but he really is perfect for me. I feel blessed to be on this journey with him for sure.

Motherhood has probably brought about the most change. The amount of love that you can have in your heart for your children is pretty overwhelming. My momma bear comes out easily if anyone has hurt them or I think there is a chance that someone could. Watch out! lol

Parenting is all a big learning process filled with mistakes. I have had to apologize so many times since becoming a mom. I also have an entirely new and deeper understanding of God’s grace. No matter what my kids do, I will always love them. I want what is best for them regardless of whether or not they deserve it. I am willing to give up more for them than I ever imagined I would. If an imperfect person like me can love and forgive that much, imagine a perfect God.

I also found parenting to be more difficult than I envisioned. As someone who wanted to be a wife and mom for as long as I can remember, I struggled a lot. Especially in the baby and toddler phase. I didn’t enjoy every moment, and then I felt guilty about that. I was supposed to be really good at this. I was an infant-toddler teacher before I had kids, but parenting was so much harder. Sleep deprivation and completely losing my identity really had an effect on me. I may even have had some depression as I look back. I wish I would have talked to my doctor about it. I do, however, love the stage that we are in now. I fear that it is going to go by too fast… unlike the toddler phase that felt like it took forever!

I like your article on the difference between cliques and close friendships. Talk a little more about that?

One thing I really struggle with as a pastor’s wife is finding people I can trust and be “not okay” around. That kind of friendship takes time. I have a couple of those friends in my life right now. I also have a small group at church that I am involved in. We meet for bible study, share our struggles, and pray for each other. They check on me and hold me accountable. I think everyone needs those types of people. We can’t be best friends with everyone we meet. Sometimes people see groups of friends who have known each other for a while and call them cliques. I don’t believe they are. Cliques are groups of people who don’t let other people in. Those are not okay in the church. We want everyone to feel loved and included. I think there is a time, though, for meeting with only people you feel safe with. We all need to find a group like that.

We were born and meant to connect. I like how you differentiate between extroverts and introverts. How does that look like in a church setting?

The main difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts get energy from being around others while introverts recharge alone. When it comes to church, this is something I am still trying to figure out. I am an outgoing introvert. I need my downtime, or I start to go crazy, yet to others, I appear to be an extrovert. I like people, but sometimes get awkward in groups. I am much more comfortable in an intimate setting with just one or two people. Sometimes at church, the shy introverts can get missed because they don’t feel comfortable showing up to a women’s group or even reaching out when they have needs. Hanging out in big groups all the time is exhausting. I think it is important for people in the church to invite others into their homes. To get to know them in a smaller, more personal sort of setting. Some of my favorite people seem to be much different than me at first, but when I take the time to get to know them in this way, outside of a big group, I find that we have very much in common.

Walk me through the city you live in, the people, the culture, the food, and the restaurants?

I live in a suburb north of Salt Lake City in Utah. Most of the people who live here are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Some would call them Mormon, but that is no longer a preferred term by members). It is a lovely, family-friendly place to live. Our neighbors are wonderful. Coming from Southern California, it is a completely different culture. I appreciate the small-town feel, yet it is very close to the city which is filled with fun restaurants and culture. I love it here. Even though we are not part of the predominant religion, we have, for the most part, been accepted by others.

How do you manage finances on a minister’s salary?

We have always lived pretty frugally. Although we are not “rolling in dough”, we have always had enough. In times of need, everything was provided by the generosity of others. Honestly, I feel that we have been greatly blessed. We lived on one income for many years and were able to get out of debt except for our mortgage. Our cars are old, but they are paid off and get us where we need to go. When I started working, we put a good portion of that into savings. Going back to work has provided some much-needed vacations for our family. I had no idea how much we needed that time until we experienced it.

I am sure it is tough to maintain boundaries and have ‘time’ for self-care. Walk me through your process?

This is a constant struggle for me and I need to be better. I love to read my Bible in the morning and listen to podcasts on my drive to work.  This doesn’t happen every day, but it is happening more regularly than it did while I was teaching. Recently I started a “time budget” to try my best to devote time to the things that are important to me.  I have become very protective of our family time because my husband has a job where unpredictable things happen. Many family dinners are interrupted by emergency phone calls. He will leave to counsel someone or head out to a hospital to pray. I don’t get mad about those things because it is why we are doing what we are doing. But, it can be frustrating.

Spending more time with my kids and husband since I quit teaching has actually been the best self-care for me. I feel like myself again and am doing what I love. Friday nights are our family nights where we eat pizza and watch a movie together. It is a tradition that my kids love, and it is easy for us since we are usually pretty tired by Friday night. Other than that, my self-care has been pretty non-existent since the pandemic started.

Before COVID, my husband and I participated in an exercise boot camp together every morning, but we stopped in March and haven’t resumed again due to the cost. I am really feeling the impact it is having on my physical and mental health. My day is better when I begin with a workout. It is also something that my husband and I were doing together. I love that. He makes things more fun. We would laugh a lot and make up our own silly exercises.

One new thing that feels like self-care, but I’m not sure if it counts, is writing my blog. For the first time in years, I have an outlet for my thoughts. I love it and it is really filling me. I just need to make sure I don’t let it take away from my family. Our time is so limited.

I want some practical advice on how we can use peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, hospitality, charity, unconditional love, and forgiveness in our lives?

I have always been a rule follower. So, for me, religion made sense. I could follow the rules and then God would give me what I deserved. I thought I was a really good person because I was a “good deed doer” The problem was that I would look down on others who didn’t fit my perception of “good”. I viewed peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, hospitality, charity, unconditional love, and forgiveness as more things I needed to do to check off the list. I did good things, but in my heart, I thought I was better than everyone else and I felt like God owed me something.

It wasn’t until I started to realize how ugly my heart actually was that I actually became a Christian and began to exhibit those qualities in my life. Once I realized how much I needed those things to be shown to me and then understood that Jesus gives me all of that… even when I don’t deserve it. He shows me compassion when I am at my worst. He forgave me even when I turned away from Him. He shows me kindness when I am kicking and screaming like a toddler. Wow. That was huge for me.  It broke me, but it the best way possible. Then… those things naturally started to flow out of me to others.

I think the way we practically use these things in our lives is to recognize that we are not perfect. It’s much easier to love others when we are filled with God’s love. We can choose to see others the way God sees them, and love them accordingly.

Finally, if I come to your church can I invite myself for a nice meal at your home or at any member’s home?

I would love to have you and your family over to my home for a meal! It might be a rotisserie chicken from Costco turned into street tacos, but I would love to get to know you more. That is the important part. And while I can’t speak for everyone in my church, the people that God has allowed my husband and me to serve here in Utah are some of the most loving, generous, and accepting people I have ever met. I know that you would be welcomed with open arms, offered a place for your family to stay, and a delicious meal. Probably much better than the meal you will receive at my house. lol.

The post Life as a Pastor’s Wife appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Introduction

Tara holds a Ph.D. in professional counseling from Liberty University and has theological training through her Master’s of Divinity in professional counseling from Tyndale Seminary. She is also a Registered Psychotherapist in good standing with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario and is a certified member in good standing with the OACCPP Mental Health Professionals. Tara’s respectful accepting approach balanced with gentle but firm truths provides a warm and comfortable environment for those clients she supports.

I ask Tara the nitty-gritty stuff about marriage, the benefits of counseling and how to thrive in marriage.

Tara Lalonde thanks for taking the time in your busy schedule to answer these questions. Please tell me a little about you?

I am a registered psychotherapist in Ontario, as well as a speaker and author.  I have been in private practice for over a decade, helping individual adults and couples find life-transforming change.  While I love working with all of my clients, I have been profoundly blessed with being able to openly work with clients who share my faith in Jesus.  In those relationships, I have found Jesus to be very active in bringing clients into deeper and more impactful journeys with Him.

Please describe your journey to faith?

The Lord is so good and faithful to me.  My journey began with Him when I was a teen.  I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptized at age 16.  It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that He became the Lord of my life, though.  At that time, I realized I could no longer live with one foot in the world and the other trying to follow Jesus.  My way wasn’t working.  I confessed needing things to go my way and turned my control over to Him.

I wish I could say it was smooth sailing from there, but that would not be realistic.  However, He has been faithful to use all of my mistakes and poor choices to move me closer to Him and deeper into surrender.  He has also led me to difficult choices with the intent on teaching me to surrender more and release all control to Him.

One of those choices, that I talk about in my book, was leading me to get a double master’s degree, rather than simply focusing on my professional counseling degree.  What He didn’t tell me was that I was not going to be able to accomplish the full second major because my brain simply does not learn languages well (I later found out I have a diagnosable learning disorder).

You see, to get a second major in Pastoral Studies, as He led me to do, meant taking four Biblical language courses.  I choose Hebrew because I was told it is marginally easier than Greek.  Well, by the end of the second course in Hebrew, I knew I was not retaining it and would not be able to complete the remaining two courses.

That felt like a failure to me and sent me into a battle of doubt with the Lord.  He knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, so why did He push me to take this?  In that place of pain and questioning, God showed up to me and revealed that He is still God, and I am okay.  Failure did not define me and, in fact, He was pleased with me for obeying, even though He had no intention of me ever actually receiving a second full major.  I learned I don’t have to fear failure because God is still in control, and the results of my obedience are up to Him, not me.  I settled with a minor in pastoral and graduated the year after all of my classmates.

This is only one area that the Lord has put me in situations where I am required to depend on Him; for there are many others in my life as well.  Through the years I have learned that it is better to depend on the Lord for all things than to have an easy life that does not push us beyond our comfort and abilities.

Last year I spent two weeks in Cuba and took only two books with me. One of them was yours ‘An Unexpected Freedom: Discover Peace and Joy in the Reality of Life’. Share a little about this book and what made you write it?

Wow, thank you for choosing my book to be one of your two.  That was another area where the Lord pushed me out of my comfort zone to write and publish this book.  Don’t get me wrong, the content has been a passion of mine for many years and is birthed out of this whole idea of surrender and dependence on God.  I just never imagined that I could write a book.

An Unexpected Freedom guides readers down into the valley of dying to self and back up the other side to find meaning, hope, and deeper peace that is not dependent upon life circumstances working out the way we want them to.

Through this journey I reveal the mistaken beliefs of our culture and shed light on how Scripture reveals dying to self, letting go of control to God, and learning to see life through God’s perspective can actually change our lives to become more joy-filled, peaceful, and fulfilling.

Throughout, I share parts of my own story and the stories of others who have also taken this journey.  The intent is to bring to life the possibility that this is not simply something theoretical, but rather a reality that is accessible to readers in our time and even within our changing culture.

I really do live this and seek to live it in greater and greater measure.  As we learn to release more and more of our control, wants, and expectations, God shows up and transforms our negative experiences into times of drawing nearer to Him and sends us on everyday adventures we would have missed had we not had His perspective to see them.

This doesn’t mean we won’t struggle and have pain.  In fact, that is always a normal part of the human experience.  Becoming a Christian and surrendering it all to God doesn’t rescue us from that.  It simply and profoundly changes how we interpret the pain and thus overcome it.  This is the peace that passes understanding that Paul talks about.  Not removal from trails and pain but peace and perspective within them.

You have been a counselor for a while, and you did your thesis on marriage. What surprised you and what did you learn from it?

I think the most profound learning, that is often quite surprising, is the idea that in order to have a fulfilling and healthy marriage, one must take 100% responsibility for their own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being.  That does not guarantee a healthy marriage because the health of the marriage takes two people and we only control our own side of that.  But, it does put your own well being and experience of the marriage back within your own control.

This idea is painful for some people.

We want a good marriage and it is often easier to see the faults in our spouses than to recognize and do the work of taking care of our own well being.  In fact, many of us believe it is our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and whole… remember the famous romantic movie line, “you complete me”.  It is a lovely sentiment but it is absolutely inaccurate and unhelpful and sets us up for a lifetime of disappointment.

God completes us as we surrender to Him and seek His perspective on ourselves and our spouses.  From the place of increasing wholeness with God, we then can love our spouse sacrificially.  This too is pleasing to God, who happens to be our sole purpose in life.  When our spouse does this also, it feels great!  When they don’t, with this perspective, we can be okay anyway.  Our focus is on God’s “well done good and faithful servant”, not our spouse’s.

When they don’t love us the way we want or expect, or even how they should, two things happen.  The first is that we learn to rely on God even more for our sufficiency; He is so gentle and faithful in that.  And, we store up treasures in heaven that one day we will reap the rewards of in ways we cannot even imagine here.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us in heaven!

One of my readers from India wants you to give us five practical points on how to have a great marriage?

Really it is what I have been talking about.  Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your spouse from the place of being loved in return from God in all of those areas.  When we know our God and how much He loves and accepts us, we can love others without requiring them to love us back in any particular way.

Practically, this may mean venting to God about your spouse before releasing them to Him.  Then ask Him to give a new perspective on your spouse and on what you might be doing to contribute to your situation.  Sometimes it really is just the other person, but often we contribute to our pain through how we talk to ourselves about our spouse, what we are not getting, how unfair it is, or how others don’t have it like this.

I recently was finding myself getting so frustrated with my husband and reacting with an intensity that is unusual for me.  What he was doing warranted my frustration, but I was compelled to look inward.  Even if this behavior of his never changes, I cannot be reacting like this.  It is not who I want to be.

So, I took some time in prayer and reflection to see what in me this was hitting.  Even though I have done a lot of internal reflection and growing over the years, I was surprised to find a core wound from my childhood that I had never realized before.  I then sought my own counsel to resolve the mistaken beliefs I had developed from way back then.  I now have been able to release those beliefs and have taken on a more truthful perspective of myself.

The next time my husband does something to hit that button, I may still react, but not likely to the extreme that I had because the root of the button has been discharged.

As we seek to continually take care of and heal ourselves, our marriage experience improves.  When both partners do this, then we get to what God really intended for marriage.  But, we cannot control that part.  Only our own.  And for that, we get God’s rewards, even if our spouse is not able at this time.

Another reader from Malaysia asks how do we deal with unrealistic expectations that we bring into a marriage?

Indeed, we all bring expectations into marriage and many of those are unrealistic.  At the same time, it is challenging because we are not always even aware that we had these expectations until they are not met.

You may be seeing a theme here in my answers.  The best way to work through these is to recognize them within yourself and explore where they have come from.  Are they realistic?  Are they in line with Scripture?  (My spouse meeting all of my emotional needs is not, though it is a very real cultural expectation for many people.)

If you find that you believe your expectation is realistic and in line with your understanding with the Bible (or at least not against it), then openly discuss it with your spouse.  This cannot be with the intent to change them, however.  It is more sharing that you have this expectation and where it may have come from for you.

Ask what they think.  Ask what their expectations are regarding that part of your marriage.  Explore if there could be a way to work together to find a winning solution that both of you can feel good about.

If not, then return to the Lord and ask Him to help you release it or surrender it.  You can also ask that He changes your spouse, but then you must again, return to, but if you don’t, change me.

A simple example in my marriage is that I unknowingly had the expectation that when I was cooking and realized I needed something, that I could ask my husband to go get it and he would if he wasn’t in the middle of something.  When I tried that early on in our marriage, he said no, and may have even been annoyed that I hadn’t checked before starting.

This came as a surprise to me.  I had to explore where that expectation came from.  It was not hard to find, you see, this is how my parents functioned.  But, in my husband’s family, his dad did not do that.  In fact, his mom would often be the one to do this kind of thing for his dad.  So, it was the reverse.  I also realized I probably wouldn’t want to do that for him either in that situation, and that was surprising.

In the end, there was no big agreed upon shift for us.  I simply had to release him from that expectation and then work on my own unwillingness, seeking God’s desire for my character in this kind of situation.

In your marriage workshop you bring out a baby elephant, please tell my audience about it concerning unmet needs?

Ah, the elephant.  I love the example of an elephant.  It can be used in so many ways.  First, elephants are large animals and can seem very heavy and possibly overwhelming.  Feelings can be like that, too.

We also have a phrase in North America about “the elephant in the room”.  This refers to things, that everyone in the room is aware of, but are not being discussed openly.  This too can be how we deal with our feelings.

Finally, in different parts of the world, the elephant represents wisdom, strength, cooperation, and loyalty.  What a beautiful picture of what our hearts and emotions can also represent.

So, I will often use a stuffed baby elephant in my seminars and counseling sessions to represent our hearts and emotions.  Particularly when our needs are not met, our emotions and troubles can feel overwhelming and big, and we may want to pretend they are not there.  In reality, when we attend to them, we find strength, wisdom, new options, and resiliency.

You see, emotions have a great deal of information within them.  This is not logic-based information; that comes from the mind.  Emotional information is highly valuable and God gave us this information source for a reason.  In fact, He says in Psalm 23:4 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”.  Notice it is your heart, not your mind that directs your life.

But there is an interaction with the mind that is needed.  We cannot simply allow ourselves to be driven by emotions alone.  They must be engaged and understood, soothed and respected.

The information of the heart and emotions runs deeper and more powerfully than logic.  So, when emotions come, take time to slow down and investigate what they may be trying to tell you.  Before trying to resolve disputes with your spouse, it is important to take time to explore what you are feeling and what that may be about.  Listen to your elephants!

Some questions you can ask yourself in this exploration are: What am I feeling? Where is it coming from? Am I contributing to the feeling? Am I turning up the volume in some way? What is the truth? What am I afraid of? Is this familiar (have I felt this way before)? What can I control? What do I want/desire/long for? What do I need (from me/God) to move toward my own wellbeing (even when my needs are not being met)?

When should a couple come for marriage counseling? 

There are lots of times when a couple could seek counsel.  For some, it is at the beginning when they realize that marriage is a lot harder than they realized (for it usually is) and they want to gain tools to communicate better.

Others may want to consider counseling when big life transitions happen for them.  Having children, when children leave home, or when it is time to retire are often good times to seek counsel on how to navigate and prioritize your marriage in these new seasons.

Some people seek help when things start to get really hard and they are finding what they are trying is not working.

Unfortunately, many people wait until they are just about ready to give up before coming.  I would suggest, don’t wait that long.  There are real practical tools that you can gain and implement before ever having to get that far.  However, if that is what it takes for you, then know that God sees you and understands that too.

Basically, I and other marriage therapists are here for you whenever you are ready.

How do you balance faith, family, food, and finance with your busy schedule?

Now that is a good question.  In a world where things are going faster and we are pressed to do more, be more, and have more, it is hard to find balance.  My husband and I tend to be quite counter-cultural with this, actually.  We like a life of simplicity, without too much going on.  I am not going all the time or involved in lots of things.  When we have plans on the weekend, we make sure to also have downtimes.

In addition, (and this may sound crazy to most people) I really enjoy the silence in my home, uncluttered even with the noise of music or tv.  My husband will watch tv in the evenings but other than that, we enjoy the quiet.

Though I enjoy food and we like to eat dinner out once a week, I work three nights per week so I don’t have a lot of time to cook.  And, to be completely honest, cooking for just the two of us is not really something I like to do.  So, I will tend to cook large portions that we will eat throughout the week.  It is easier to cook a lot once than to cook multiple times during the week.  It works for us.

With finances, simplicity is key once again.  We intentionally choose to live below our means regarding our mortgage and other financial responsibilities.  We also make it a point to pay down all credit cards each month so we do not have debt hanging over us.  This allows us to be generous with our giving without feeling like we are having to “find” the money.  Having never allowed ourselves to live at the max of our income, this doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice, though we recognize it is in this culture.  The joy of giving abundantly is exciting to both of us.

The post Secrets on How to Have a Great Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Jackie, a very close and dear friend of mine is getting married in two weeks time. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I cannot make it to the wedding. Last week, we spoke for a while and I gave her some advice. I thought I might as well write about it.

Jackie, it is awesome to see you getting married. I know you have wanted this for a long time. You have moved cities, gone out of your comfort zone and have made this decision.

I am going to give you a few pieces of practical advice.

Intentional is not a word used in marriage terminology. I insist the day you get married, is to become intentional about having a great marriage.

Now is a great marriage made in Hollywood? Live happily ever after…a prolonged honeymoon phase.

Appreciate each other’s differences

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fence, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou

Men and women are different physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and their approach to life. Accept it, embrace it, and remember it daily. 2 +2 =4. 3 +1 = 4. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4. So, remember there are different ways of doing things.

Be grateful daily

“I love you’, ‘I’m here for you’, “I understand’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Thank you’, ‘I really appreciate all that you do’, ‘It’s so nice to see you’, ‘That was quite an accomplishment!'” — Gina Spielman

Being grateful is a choice, commitment, and determinant.

You have found a partner, a readymade family, someone who loves you and gets you. Become grateful.

Forgive often

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

“Forgiveness is a key element in healthy marriages. Forgiveness is the oil that lubricates a love relationship, and it’s the oil we need daily. Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it’s an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse in spite of his or her imperfections and irritations” David and Claudia Arp

He is coming into the marriage with a lot of irritations and imperfections. You will experience pain and suffering in marriage. Fumbling, lack of communication, disagreements happen even in a healthy relationship. Be intentional in forgiving.

No place for criticism or blame

“What you are facing is intended to strengthen your marriage, not destroy it.” – Jackie Bledsoe

FAULT = CRITICISM = BLAME = RESENTMENT = ANGER = FEAR = VICTIM THINKING = NO RESPONSIBILITY

Your partner is human with weaknesses. You need to focus on his strengths. Criticizing him will only bring him down.

Be patient

^“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Your marriage will become better as time passes by. Just be patient.

Take responsibility and stay connected

“One of the worst things a couple can do is live on their own little island. People who think of their marriage in terms of an isolationist mindset, do so at their own peril” – Mark Gungor

It is very easy to lose sight of one another as you lead busy lives. Everything is fighting for your attention. Children, computers, smartphones, work, various activities. You need to take responsibility to stay emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically connected.

Touch often

I would strongly encourage you to hold hands very often. All research points to the fact that when we touch each other, a stronger bond is created by releasing oxytocin.

Do not try to change him

“God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix him’ wife, God wants me to be a ‘love him’ wife.”- Lysa TerKeurst

Only a baby in dirty diapers likes change. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. A leopard does not change its spots. All you can do is change yourself. If you try to change your spouse’s personality, it is disrespectful, creates an emotional distance, he will feel unworthy and you will become emotionally exhausted.

He is not there to make you happy

Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments make up your love story. – Jennifer Smith

The best way to destroy your marriage is to have unrealistic expectations. He will meet all my needs, he is there to make me happy, and he will fill the void in my life.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Know the difference between cohabitation and marriage. You are not getting married so that you can get what you want but more about what you can give.

Date often

“When a couple spends time alone each week, their levels of happiness, positive communication….are more than three times higher than those who don’t spend that time together” – Dr. Greg Smalley

Date night is not about talking about kids, finances, or issues. It is about spending time and enjoying each other. Go on dates and have fun.

Communicate

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility – Leo Tolstoy

Always communicate with one another. You will develop a special language. It is a fun and productive process. You will minimize confusion and always be assured.

You are in it for life

The D-word does not exist in your marriage. You are in this for good. Work at it daily. Be intentional in everything you do and stay in touch.

Photo Credits: Samantha Gades on Unsplash, Oscar Ivan Esquivel Arteaga on Unsplash, Anna Utochkina on Unsplash, Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash, Ngọc Hằng on Unsplash, Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash, Elise St. Clair on Unsplash, Daniel Suarez Photography on Unsplash,  Adika Suhari on Unsplash, Ross Findon on Unsplash,  frank mckenna on Unsplash, Christin Hume on Unsplash

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