Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity in academic and media circles refer to cultural patterns that are linked with harm to men and society. The machismo boilerplate of men as assertive socially along with attributes such as misogyny, homophobia, sexual assault, and domestic violence are toxic as it promotes violence. The normative pattern of violence and the cliche of boys will be boys is anathema in modern-day society.

Psychologists in the last three decades have noticed a direct correlation between depression, stress, alcohol, and substance abuse with emotional repression and self-reliance.

The attributes of working hard, excelling in sports, and providing for the family is not toxic.

Monday is family day for me. I cook dinner for them and watch TV with my wife.

As a result, we decided to watch A Million Little Things.  It is about four best male friends. In the first episode, one of them commits suicide. Another is sleeping with his best friend’s wife. As the three are sitting in a bar after the suicide, one of them says that he does not really know them because they are not real. One of them is struggling with depression and was also about to kill himself. He has told no one.

Last year in January, every female friend of mine was posting the Gillette commercial on their social media. The ad encourages men to become involved in dealing with toxic masculinity.

For the first 12 years of my life, I lived with my grandparents, two aunts, and two female cousins. My grandfather also rented out a few homes. One of the renters always yelled, screamed, and beat his wife openly in front of everyone. As I look back on my life, this was my first exposure to toxic masculinity.

As I spent a few years in a co-ed, a boy’s boarding school, and residence at college, I realized a lot of toxic masculinity was ingrained in us. I saw it in the restaurant and hotel business and it hit a crescendo on Bay Street. The change only happened when we got a female branch manager, a female head of credit, and a female compliance officer.

In the last fifteen years, I noticed a trend among my male friends and clients. I was the best man at a friend’s wedding and he split up. I was in seven wedding parties and four of them have split up. I have yet to meet a male who has walked out on his marriage. Just recently two very close friends of mine are splitting up after two decades of marriage. Both initiated by the women.

In the last three years, two things happened that threw me off course. One of my closest friends on Bay Street for 16 years passed away due to cancer. We sat opposite each other, we spoke every evening. He only opened up about his cancer, in the much later stages. Another close friend from university was found dead in a bar on a Monday night. We had spoken Monday morning. We were supposed to do lunch on Thursday. He never ever opened up what was going inside.

After those two events, I took two weeks off and sat on a beach. As I got back, I called all my close male friends and said either be real or I am sick and tired of this flakiness. Trust me the men opened up.

As a society, we need to have an honest conversation around masculinity. For instance, the Marlborough Man, Clint Eastwood in the Western’s, Jack Reacher, and many other macho heroes were lonely, distant, and emotionally reserved. I do not believe that talking about our feelings is a sign of weakness. We should not put our feelings aside. There is nothing wrong with expressing our feelings and emotions. We need to hug each other more often and say ‘I love you”.

I have spoken to so many women who are divorced and the number one reason they gave me was that they could not connect emotionally with their man.

As a society, we need to talk about men’s mental health and how we can help.

Finally and the most important issue is we need to talk about the physical, emotional, sexual, and mental violence against women. We have to start in schools, colleges, universities, the workplace, and every other place.

The #MeToo movement started for a reason. It has allowed many taboo topics to come to the forefront.

Let us all join together and make a difference in making women feel safer.